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Euro elections

The recent UN report on a million species being in danger of extinction has focused the minds of Fianna Fáil candidates. They will desperately seek to impress on voters that European intervention is crucial to reversing this impending catastrophe. “It’s the single biggest issue facing mankind”, says a party spokesman. “The world cannot afford to lose another invaluable species. If our own government won’t take our survival seriously, why shouldn’t we turn to Europe for protection?”

Fine Gael logo

Fine Gael is fully determined to bring the party’s influence to bear in Europe regardless of the cost. The party originally factored in €1m towards promoting its candidates, but the final sum “flat-bottomed at €10bn”, says a spokesman. Finance Minister Paschal Donohoe insists it’s money well spent. “The Irish people deserve the best and every one of our 57 consultancy firms advised us that we pay them well to recommend that all our candidates should polish their shoes, comb their hair and not look like culchies trying to find a wifi signal behind the hen house. We’re Fine Gael remember!”

Keen to bounce back from a disastrous presidential election, Sinn Féin wants to reassure “every ordinary, downtrodden, beleaguered, oppressed, out-of-work constituent across the island of Ireland” that it will leave “no poppy unworn, no menu unturned and no Mary Lou rant uninformed” in its determination to ensure that “honest to God working-class heroes… (That’s enough gunning for votes – Ed.)

Labour Party Ireland logo

Minority group of would-be left-wingers whose distant memories of holding power are lost in the mists of time. The party holds very strict views about entering into coalition and have repeatedly maintained that they will only go into government with “absolutely anybody at all” The party’s manifesto includes references to tax cuts, HSE funding and whatever you’re having yourself. Could win enough seats to make Brendan Howling a household name.

Eco-friendly grouping focusing on global warming, toxic emissions and the fear of their own political extinction. The Greens are not at all interested in personalities – Eamon Ryan and Ciarán Cuffe are among their current leaders. During elections, their key policies are recycled by earnest women and bearded men who distribute sad-looking leaflets about paranormal yoghurt. Voters are often reduced to tears as Greens bang on about saving the planet with vague suggestions about using herbal compost and organic footwear and putting tiny little taxes on everything. In danger of being completely washed-up and disappearing without trace.

Peadar Tóibín’s new all-Ireland Republican Party is gearing up to make its mark over the next few weeks. With his steel-rimmed glasses and collection of raffish grey suits, Tóibín is expected to add a much-needed touch of colour and excitement to Ireland’s political scene. Conservative and pro-life, the leader is keen on promoting individual freedom of conscience in relation to eradicating the evil of abortion for all time. Received wisdom is that the party has a bright future behind it. (That’s enough Election Guide – Ed.)

SHAMELESS: Leo Varadkar makes an appeal to young, apathetic voters

WITH just days left before Irish citizens go to the polls in EU and local elections, younger voters have taken to social media to express their growing frustration with all of the main political parties.

“Everyone of these useless candidates is exactly the same – ie totally pathetic and in it for what they can get,” tweeted Sarah99. “How come we never ever hear from them except when they want something at election time?”

Hundreds of other twitter users admitted that they would not be voting on May 24th. “They’re completely boring and just promise the same old things all the time,” tweeted JenIsReallyHotSmileyFace. “Most of them are in their 30s and totally out of touch with reality. All they do is say the same boring things over and over, so I would never vote for them.”

Meanwhile, after Taoiseach Leo Varadkar encouraged apathetic first-time voters to get involved in the electoral process and make their voices heard, he immediately received a huge reaction on Twitter and Instagram, telling him to “get lost, you sad loser”.

StD 3710
Michael McDowell’s dog Frances Fitzgerald
Wandered aimlessly around Ranelagh Wandering aimlessly around Dublin
Unleashed  Kept on a tight leash by handlers
Always muzzled Muzzled since late 2017
Purebred canine  EU poodle
Barks at strangers Barks at Mark Durkan
Small dog Hopes to be top dog in Europe
Loves bones Always has a bone to pick
Has number on collar Has Leo Varadkar’s number
Gemma bus

Dublin MEP candidate Gemma ‘Tweety Pie’ O’Doherty says she had “no choice” but to contest the European Parliament elections to prevent Dublin buses being “completely taken over by jihadist Muslims claiming social welfare and eating native children”.

The Independent candidate says plastering her image on over a dozen buses in the capital succeeded “for now in frightening off the fundamentalists”, who feared she might be on board the vehicles and would “confront them”.

In a chilling warning, the ‘investigative journalist’ says, “I know from my undercover operations that non-Irish people with beards and not a word of Gaelic are travelling from place to place on theses buses. It’s crucial that people wake up to the dangers pulling in all around us and act to ensure our nation’s buses have seats for Irish women and children by giving me a lucrative job in Brussels where I can demand free speech without being told to shut up.”



Candidates in this year’s local and European elections have claimed that they are using a revolutionary new material on which to print their election posters, leaflets etc.

According to its inventor Mr Phillip ‘Philly’ Buster, the material, called ‘Waffle Board®’ is capable of holding huge amounts of information with which to bamboozle (Surely
‘educate and inform’? – Ed) the voters.

Waffle Board® is also environmentally friendly and will self-destruct after a pre-determined number of days. And what about the promises contained in all this self-destructing literature? Will they disappear too? “Ah, well, ya know how it is yerself,” said Mr Buster.

Festy - EU Elections



Waffle with Syrup
Creep Suzettes
Baloney (on a bed of Savoury Lies)

From the Gravy Train

Tripe (on pig’s back)
Selection of Porkies
Steamed up Has-Beans
Grilled Opposition
Tikka (whole lotta nerve)
Rich Pickings

Off the Trolley

Fruits (of office)
Butter-up Pudding with
Fudge Sauce
Jammy Dodgers
Humble Pie (off)

To Drink

Red-face Whines

Mick Wallace

Mick Wallace:

The real question is how many people out there want me to f**k off out of Ireland and stay out. If enough people are pissed off with me, my scruffy hair, my dress sense and all that odd stuff about my finances, then I’m home and dry. So personally, I think I’ll be dans le parliament non bother, mon ami!

Ming ‘Luke’ Flanagan:

For the past five years I may not seem to have been doing anything except downing cappuccinos on the Rue de Rizla, while drawing down a massive salary. But that was part of the plan to wait in the long grass – which is of far better quality than the stuff I can get my hands on, by the way. So with the element of surprise, I expect to be lighting up the place for another five years. Pass it on man.

Alice Mary-Higgins

Alice-Mary Higgins:

Dublin is the ‘group of death’; but trust me that I’m a safe bet. “Success,” my daddy said to me, “will come your way by being twee”.

Mark Durkan

“It would be an absolute honour to represent the people of Derry.”
Mark Durkan

Maria Walsh

“I don’t want to talk about my sexuality or winning the Rose of Tralee.”
Maria Walsh

Mick Wallace

“A smart business suit for those trips to Strasbourg – yes, please!”
Mick Wallace

Luke 'Ming' Flanagan

“No, I’m not really a great one for social media.”
Luke ‘Ming’ Flanagan

Diane Dodds

“Greater cross-border co-operation – now you’re talking.”
Diane Dodds

Barry Andrews

“And another extremely interesting thing about me is…”
Barry Andrews

Alice Mary Higgins

“The last thing I want to do is use the family name.”
Alice Mary Higgins

Peter Casey

“Bigger and better halting sites – the more, the merrier!’
Peter Casey

Clare Daly
“No comment!”
Clare Daly

Liadh Ni Riada

“I’m all in favour of the average industrial wage.”
Liadh Ní Riada

Ireland AM

7am: Can the dead return to haunt us?: The baldy lad interviews a rogue psychic who predicts the Labour Party will win seats in the upcoming elections.

7.45am: How to avoid self-esteem meltdown at election time: The blonde girl chats to guests who have met Peter Casey but went on to live normal lives.

8.40am: Health matters: The other one discusses blood pressure control with rural voters who have been canvassed by Fine Gael candidates.

9.15am: In the kitchen: The lad with the beard who used to be on RTÉ is joined by Micheál Martin to prepare some damp squid on toast.


There was concern across Ireland last night as observers reported a rise in European and local election candidates inflicting injury on themselves.

Said one alarmed commentator, “It seems that every hour another one of them self-harms his election prospects by making rash promises and completely underestimating the voters’ intelligence.

“I saw one poor misfortune shoot himself in the foot twice yesterday morning by promising broadband within 10 years to a family now living in a cave. It’s very sad.”

Spotify Peter Casey

Brendan Howlin

Favourite film: Mr Nobody 
Favourite song: I’ll Be Leaving Soon, The Outlaws 
Favourite TV show: Rescue Me 
Favourite band: Modest Mouse 
Favourite animal: Paper tiger 
Favourite food: Milquetoast 
Favourite colour: Vanilla 
Favourite instrument: Humdrum 
Favourite game: Hardscrabble 
Favourite clothing: Buckle

Retro tv icon

How to Live Better for Longer – RTÉ One, 9.35pm: Dr Eva Orsmond discovers how easy it is for Irish politicians to radically change their lifestyles by simply jumping on board the EU gravy train.

Theo - EU elections

Patrick Quirke

By our media correspondent Gissa Quoteguv

Gardaí have confirmed that investigations are continuing into what has become known as the Quirke case. The investigations are being conducted by a special branch of the media known as the Tabloid Tecs, led by a group known simply as The Editors.

These desperate Tabloid Tecs are under huge pressure from The Editors to seek out and find any tit-bit of information that might lead to a story, however unbelievable, in order to fill space.

No hotel or public house in Tipperary has remained immune from the activities of these sweaty scribblers, aided and abetted by their prying paparazzi colleagues.

In the process, they have come face to face with many scoops and, to date, have put them all away in their quest to find the real story behind the devastating impact on their circulations – and their expenses – now that the trial is over.


The Stormont parties have agreed that the Executive will be restored on the following conditions:

  • Irish government to reschedule those cancelled Garth Brooks concerts
  • Marriages of convenience to be outlawed (Tories and DUP etc)
  • Hector Ó hEochagáin to be appointed Irish language ambassador to the unionist community
  • Jim Allister to be decommissioned
  • Ian Paisley Jr to be the official mascot of Fáilte Ireland
  • Alliance Party to tone down their smugness
  • Fianna Fáil to apologise for throwing Sorcha McAnespy under the bus
  • Aontú to be given special protected status

Many people living in rural Ireland still have no choice but to purchase ‘dirty books’ for their pornography requirements because of the poor state of rural broadband, according the latest research.

Said one blind researcher in the Midlands, “Behind the statistics and the fuss over the costs of the National Broadband Plan lie human beings with real life stories that are never heard or indeed read aloud, let alone with pictures.

“And they can’t even get that basic service locally either. I’ve met bachelors and couples in remote regions who are reliant on neighbours or maybe a kindly garda or priest to bring a few mags back from across the border after attending funerals and so on. It’s obscene.”

Goddard - Biddy snatchers

Royal Baby

by May Kittup

NEWSPAPER editors have expressed fears that filler articles about the latest royal baby might soon be overshadowed by real news stories.

After months of blanket coverage featuring the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s first child, there has been a gradual return to current affairs and political issues.

Said one anxious editor last night, “We’ve all been completely overjoyed by the arrival of baby Archie on to the front pages, but now there’s a lot of carry-on to do with elections and these half-baked Stormont talks – it’s just unbelievable how selfish these politicians are.”

Meanwhile, speculation continues about whether the Duchess of Cambridge is due to announce that she is pregnant again with her fourth child.

Only one thing is certain. We’ve made all this up in a desperate attempt to fill the pages with something more interesting than Brexit and broadband.

On other pages

  • How does Meghan look so good after birth? – p2-6
  • Breast-feeding top tips – p7-9

(That’s enough about the royal baby – Ed.)

Aiden Kelly - Wonderwall again


By Dee Fendant

The legal profession was last night bracing itself for a devastating round of redundancies after former INM guru Denis O’Brien offloaded thousands of company shares for a few packets of Tayto and a Golden Crisp.

Hard-nosed evaluation clerks were reportedly distraught as they faced the possibility of cancelling trips to the rugby world cup and even Wimbledon due to massively reduced income.

Said one bereft barrister in Wicklow, “Denis helped to keep us afloat during the bad years thanks to all those writs he issued. But now that he’s lost all that moolah on INM, we’re getting worried.

“I’ve had to cancel the wife’s riding lessons. And what about my daughter’s rent? She’ll have to move into our second home. It’s barbaric!”


delaney garden

Michael O'Leary

IT IS almost 18 years exactly since Mick O’Leary landed his first significant race as an owner, when the David Wachman (John Magnier’s son-in-law) trained Tuco won the Goffs Land Rover Bumper at Fairyhouse and since then O’Leary’s Gigginstown House Stud has scooped almost every race worth winning over jumps, even some, such as the Aintree Grand National and Cheltenham Gold Cup on multiple occasions.

It is this reason – O’Leary has literally nothing left to win – that racing insiders are suggesting is the real catalyst for O’Leary slow-motion pull out from racing, rather than the politician’s answer of ‘wanting to spend more time with his family’.

A more likely reason is that O’Leary has got tired sick of writing cheques for an operation that has, in recent years, become far too bloated. Ireland’s champion owner in Ireland for the last five years, Gigginstown’s prize money haul last season in Ireland and Britain amounted to €5 million. With an estimated 300-plus horses in training that prize money figure wouldn’t even cover the training fees, despite O’Leary’s publicly flouted parsimony.

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Ben Gilroy

SPARE A THOUGHT for Goldhawk’s old pal, the ever colourful Ben Gilroy. The Direct Democracy founder has just had his challenge to being excluded from an RTÉ debate thrown out by the High Court.

In his ruling, Judge Senan Allen said that Gilroy’s action had “no legal basis” and agreed with RTÉ’s counsel that the application was brought by Gilroy to enhance his prospects in the May 24th Euro elections.

At least this judge was a little softer on Gilroy than when he was before the High Court on a separate matter last October.

You can read about Gilroy’s “abhorrent” behaviour here for free.


The usually popular Marty Whelan found himself on the wrong side of opinion this week when he posted a “little taste from behind the scenes in Tel Aviv”on Wednesday. The broadcaster received almost 400 messages from fans, overwhelmingly expressing disappointment with his presence at this year’s controversial Eurovision event in Israel.

Many declared their fondness for both Marty and the Eurovision, but had deep reservations about watching this year’s competition. One fan said “Sorry Marty. I’m with Mike Murphy on this one”. Murphy has been a well-known support of the Palestinians and a vocal critic of Israel.

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ERSTWHILE broadcaster Alan Cantwell is back lending his services to Fine Gael. This time on the doorsteps of Rathgar with local election hopeful, Patrick Kinsella. The pair have some history going back to Cantwell’s days at TV3, where Kinsella was a television producer and currently heads up the advertising-funded programming department.

Kinsella is battling it out in the highly competitive Kimmage-Rathmines ward where anxiety over BusConnect dominates the race. He is also blessing the internet to daily video updates which land closer to Alan Partridge than the ‘high quality’ content we’ve come to expect from Virgin Media.

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THE MINISTER for Finance Paschal Donohoe is flouting guidelines set down by his own department. Rules on state appointments published by the Department of Public Expenditure and Reform in 2014 state that “consistent with best corporate governance practice it is advisable that no member of a State Board should serve more than two full terms”.

Mr Dermot Jewell was reappointed to the Financial Services Ombudsman Council in 2016, despite having served as a member of the Council since 2004. He is also joined by Ms Elizabeth Walsh, who was appointed following the amalgamation of the Financial Services Ombudsman and the Pensions Ombudsman in 2018.

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Paul Reid

IN HIS first full day on the job, new HSE boss Paul Reid warned that the health service that breaching budgets can “no longer be considered an option.”

According to the Irish Times, Reid sent a strongly worded memo to senior HSE management seeking an immediate review of “actions and timelines to bring about a financial break-even” situation.

Reid also reportedly told senior managers that they would be held accountable to break even.

Goldhawk has had his eye on Reid and his interesting journey since the days of his firebrand activism in politics and the trade union movement. Read more about the HSE frontman below for free.

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Michael O'Leary

THE TRAINER Mouse Morris has had one of the longest serving relationships with Gigginstown and Mick O’Leary, but that relationship looks like it’s being put to the test following a twitter outburst by Morris’s son, Jamie.

Mouse’s Beyond The Law won a chase at Cork on Easter Sunday, relegating the Gigginstown-owned Rathure Rebel to second. Young Morris posted a picture of the winner on Twitter and accompanied it with a comment along the lines of the win being even sweeter given the connections of the defeated horse.

When quizzed by a prominent Irish racing hack over the reasons for his Gigginstown schadenfreude, Jamie proceeded to deliver some very choice and colourful phrases about O’Leary that even the Ryanair boss’s biggest critics might have found a tad harsh. Morris junior maybe harbours some bitterness over Gigginstown’s policy shift last year, which saw O’Leary transfer a number of horses from Mouse Morris to Gordon Elliott and re-allocate Morris some young point-to-pointers instead.

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WITH THE news that Michael O’Leary has decided to bow out from National Hunt racing over the next five years, Goldhawk has been busy perusing his archives and spotted this profile of the Gigginstown supremo from back in 2011.

You can view it below for free.

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Fiona McLoughlin Healy

GOVERNMENT’S DECISION to hold off imposing gender quotas at local level has avoided the theatrics and rebellion when they were first introduced ahead of the last general election in 2016.

While some parties on the left have reached a majority of women on the ballot paper, Fine Gael are still keen to point out that with 118 out of just over 400 candidates, they are the party with the most women contesting overall. Even if this still lags below a minimum 30% target the party had set itself.

Maria Walsh’s campaign messaging is very much geared toward “empowering the younger generation” with a focus on issues like climate change, mental health, diversity and others intended to appeal to the under 40s. While Walsh promises to be “a candidate for a new Ireland”, the old ways continue to persist however.

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George Magan

IN THE long- running saga between a British lord and a trust over the magnificent Castletown Cox estate in Co. Kilkenny. The Commercial Court has heard that George Magan has engaged in an “orchestrated and calculated strategy” to delay the completion of the Georgian mansion’s sale.

Goldhawk has had his gaze firmly fixed on Baron Magan of Castletown. You can read all about his millions and the Castletown Cox estate here for free.