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DÁIL TO BE EXHUMED
SURREAL: This independent TD had a mixed reaction when told he was going to be recalled

AMID growing concerns about Brexit and the future of Garda Commissioner Nóirín O’Sullivan, there have been renewed calls for Dáil Éireann to be exhumed next week.

The Oireachtas has been in recess since July 14 and business is not due to resume until late September. But several Independent TDs have reiterated their demand that government must be seen to act on matters of urgent public interest.

“Everyone knows that the Dáil is a dead loss and full of eccentric characters who are known for their surreal behaviour,” said one Opposition deputy last night.

“But it’s about time they were dug up and carried back into Leinster House where they can lie in a state while ministers do some work for a change.”


OJ SIMPSON TO SEEK GAA ROLE
SENSE OF JUSTICE: Simpson pictured here going up for a high ball in Croker before his arrest

OJ SIMPSON is to seek a role on one of the GAA’s disciplinary bodies after recently being granted parole in Nevada for armed robbery.

“I feel like I embody the GAA’s sense of justice,” said Simpson, now a free man after nine years in jail. “Too many lads are getting done on the black card and they deserve every chance to clear their name.”

If Simpson is offered a role with the association, it’s likely to be adjudicating on video evidence in cases involving disputed suspensions. “Too often The Sunday Game acts as judge, jury and executioner,” said the disgraced ex-NFL player. “My role will simply be to ensure that all players get a fair hearing.”

Reaction within the GAA to Simpson’s planned move has so far been mixed, although Jim Gavin and Diarmuid Connolly have both expressed their support, with Pat Spillane among those voicing reservations.


TV Listings

• Game of Thrones n Game of Thrones – 9pm; Sky Atlantic: The hit fantasy show returns for a seventh season. After narrowly being crowned Queen in the North, Arlene Foster’s kingdom grinds to a halt over her opposition to a Dothraki language act. Brutal.

• The Sunday Game Live – 3pm; RTÉ 1: Screwball comedy. Which high profile coach will slam the panel this week and who will Joe Brolly turn on next? The possibilities are endless in this summer season farce.


SPOTTED IN DUBLIN AIRPORT

THOSE INM THOSE INM RESOLUTIONS IN FULL

■ Retract that statement now, sir!
■ Send more flowers to the ODCE
■ It’s all your fault, you smug-faced prick!
■ Send Dinny our phone records, address books and kids’ nursery contacts as requested
■ What about a raffle to offload Newstalk?
■ Cancel the Christmas cards to those pensioners shouting outside the front door
■ You’re the bleedin’ Pitts, you are!


Paul Williams’s Favourites
Paul Williams

Favourite film: Disclosure
Favourite song: Telephone, Lady Gaga
Favourite book: The Valley of the Squinting Windows
Favourite suits: Taylored
Favourite king: William the Bastard
Favourite politician: Micheál Martin
Favourite TV show: Faking It
Favourite meal: Dog’s dinner
Favourite band: Gossip
Favourite sport: Buck passing


Leaked Government Strategy on Carbon Emissions

AS part of the government’s efforts to combat the effects of climate change, Minister Denis Naughten has vowed to clamp down on these notoriously poisonous toxic emitters:

 INM boardroom
 INM boardroom and AGMs
 Donald Trump’s tweets
 Conor McGregor’s mouth
Paul Williams
Bono
Leo Varadkar’s socks
Leo Varadkar in general
Ryanair press office
Dave Taylor’s phone
Tonight with Vincent Browne

Healy-Rae: I’m no fly-by-night

IN AN announcement made on the lonely Banna strand in Co Kerry yesterday Danny Healy-Rae said his comments about pilots flying perfectly well after consuming three glasses of shtout were reported out of context.

What he now claims to have said is that it was quite possible to fly a kite after three (or even more) drinks.

Especially if one is a pub owner and the kite is being flown on behalf of the Irish Vintners’ Association. “Hot air is what is needed. It all depends on the weather, ” he said. “And only God controls that.”


RTE 1 HIGHLIGHTS

Striking Out: Amy Huberman returns in a tedious dragged-out saga in which everyone strikes out for the pub on Sunday night and stays there until it’s over.
Saturday Night with Miriam: Amy Huberman will probably return yet again in a tedious dragged out saga in which everyone goes to the pub on Saturday night and stays there until it’s over.
Operation Transformation: Any Huberman stars in a rather tedious dragged out saga in which a couple attempt to transform a house into a much bigger house while the neighbours are at the pu… (That’s enough to drive you to drink – Ed).

Doctor in the House
Doctor Varadkar

It’s another busy morning at the Eoin O’Duffy Memorial Infirmary, aka Blueshirt General. Hospital master Leo Varadkar tours the wards, accompanied by his matron, Frances Fitzgerald.
Varadkar: (stopping by a bed and picking up the chart) Who do we have here?
Fitzgerald: That’s Dáil Éireann.
Varadkar: Funny name – although who am I to talk? Remind me what he’s in for?
Fitzgerald: Severe constipation. Twelve months and counting.
Varadkar: As yes, the “Do-nothing” Dáil – now I remember. Has he passed anything at all recently?
Fitzgerald: A few bits of minor legislation, but it’s always painful. We haven’t seen anything worthwhile for weeks.
Varadkar: Weeks? Ouch. (He winks at patient) That’s a long time to be caught between two stools.
Dáil Éireann: (glumly) Very witty, doctor.
Varadkar: (replacing chart) Right. Whatever the current laxative dose is, matron, double it. We’ll get him moving eventually, somehow.

(He moves on to the next bed where, as well as being heavily bandaged, the patient appears to have a hatchet stuck in his head).

Varadkar: Not you again, Murphy!
Paul Murphy: Yes, it’s me. Another garda hatchet job.
Varadkar: (removing plastic joke-shop hatchet) I’ve told you before: you’re not the victim here. Get out of my hospital. Orderlies!
Murphy: (being manhandled away by men in blue shirts) This is more brutality – we’re living in a police state! (He exits noisily).
Varadkar: (moving on to yet another patient) This one looks familiar. What’s his problem?
Fitzgerald: Complete memory recovery.
Varadkar: You mean “memory loss”?
Fitzgerald: No, I mean recovery. He’s planning to write his memoirs, in two volumes. Volume 1 will only get him to the age of 30.
Varadkar: (to patient) Is this true, Mr Shatter?
Alan Shatter: (busy writing and irritated by the interruption) Yes. What about it?
Fitzgerald: (whispering to Varadkar) We have reason to believe that his recollections could be bad for our health, if you know what I mean. But obviously we’d be more concerned about Volume 2.
Varadkar: Yes, quite. Okay. Well, keep him under observation. If he doesn’t develop amnesia by then naturally, try hitting him on the head with a mallet.

The Master’s Office, later. Dr Varadkar is interviewing candidates for an independent consultancy position.

Varadkar: (reading CV, dubiously) So you’re a doctor now, eh?
Brian Cowen: (for it is he) I am, yeah. As certified by the National University.
Varadkar: And what’s your speciality?
Cowen: Eh, dealing with crashes.
Varadkar: Yes, I see you had a very senior role at St Bertie’s at the time of that national emergency in 2008. How well do you think you coped back then?
(Cowen mumbles something incoherent)
Varadkar: I didn’t quite catch that?
Cowen: Sorry, it’s the nasal congestion again. I was saying that I did my best in difficult circumstances.
Varadkar: So what makes you think you’d like to work here, now?
Cowen: Well, I saw your launch of that “Reducing Harm, Supporting Recovery” drug strategy there recently, and it inspired me to think I could make a contribution.
Varadkar: (reading) Yes, I see you yourself are recovering from a bit of a “having the craic” habit?
Cowen: (shrugging) We all partied.
Varadkar: (closing file) Well, I’m sure we can find a role for you here somewhere. Leave your contact details on the way out and we’ll be in touch.

A hotel in Wicklow, that night. Dr Varadkar attends the wedding reception of his junior colleague, Simon Harris.

Varadkar: (to Fitzgerald) Fancy meeting you here. Were you at the church service earlier – I couldn’t make it.
Fitzgerald: Of course I was. I’m Simon’s matron of honour, don’t you know. Normally, that’s just for the bride. But as his long-time mentor, I was given a special role.
Varadkar: And his new wife is a cardiac nurse, I hear? She obviously knows the way to a man’s heart.
Fitzgerald: Yes. (Noticing James Reilly passing en route to the bar, she gives him a puck in the midriff) It’s not through the stomach, apparently.

Simon Coveney approaches.

Coveney: Hi Leo. Glad you could make it, eventually. Enjoyed your weekly video message today. You’re getting better at it. It wasn’t nearly as lame as last week’s.
Varadkar: Thanks, I suppose.
Coveney: Mind you, I was reaching for the defibrillator at one point. That bit about all the things the hospital has achieved in the last year. It was one fib after another.
Varadkar: (reading phone text) Well it seems to be working. Have you seen our new approval ratings from Millward Brown?
Fitzgerald: How good?
Varadkar: We’re now the most popular hospital in Ireland. And my personal numbers have shot up to 49%. People love me.

An uneasy silence descends. Simon Coveney sips his drink, then tries to change the subject.

Coveney: Where’s the honeymoon, by the way?
Varadkar: (smugly) I don’t know yet. But I’m definitely having one.

Paul ‘Converted’ on Road to Damascus

And lo, the world of politics was rocked to its very foundations recently when Saint Paul of Murphia was “converted” on the dusty road to Damascus.

Paul, whose name meaneth small or humble in Latin (“I’m not so sure about the second one but go on with the story” – Ed) was on his way to single-handedly solve the Syrian conflict when the incident occurred. The Saint stumbled in front of an on-coming Ministerial merc, which had to brake suddenly, locking the passengers – two Labourites – into the vehicle. Although unhurt, Saint Paul was trapped underneath.

Paul’s 12 disciples, all of whom were Sod-them-ites recently released from jury service, immediately came to his assistance and lo they did free him before pounding the car with their fists until the security system finally released the door locks.

Happily, the Saint soon recovered and was supplied with a vehicle – a red convertible Socialist Epiphani – so that he could continue his journey in peace.


TRUMP DENIES AMERICAN LINKS
Trump, pictured in the 1980s, says he’s not going to tolerate these anti-Russian slurs anymore.

DONALD Trump’s presidency came under further pressure yesterday, after potentially damaging allegations surfaced of meetings with American political figures in the run-up to last November’s elections.

The bombshell news comes as a fresh blow to the beleaguered president, who has built a reputation as a staunchly pro-Russian leader.

“These latest stories are more fake news,” said Trump, addressing reporters at the Kremlin. “Suggestions that I would undermine Russian influence in the election by openly consorting with US political operatives are a gross slur on my character.

“Everyone knows my heart is in Moscow and that I remain fully committed to the cause of making Russia great again.”

Despite renewed calls for an investigation to probe Trump’s American links, he has angrily dismissed his critics. “Comrade Trump is a true patriot,” said America’s commander-in-chief, Vladimir Putin, during a rare free moment in between Oliver Stone interviews. “He is a totally independent figure and makes up his own mind whenever I tell him to.”


MILF MOLLY’S MURDER MYSTERY

by Our Crime Staff Hugh Cares

THEY’RE calling it the trial of the century. And no wonder! The sickening story of how Irish-born Jason Corbett was bludgeoned to death has taken America by storm.THEY’RE calling it the trial of the century. And no wonder! The sickening story of how Irish-born Jason Corbett was bludgeoned to death has taken America by storm.At the centre of this horror homicide is blonde beauty Molly Martens-Corbett, Jason’s sultry ex-wife.

Outside the small courthouse in downtown Bonkstown, Madison County, yesterday, a beaming micro-skirted Molly flashed her perfect pins for camera crews as she clutched her briefs and spoke tearfully of “the living nightmare” she was facing.

What went on behind closed doors? What happened that fateful night? The possibilities for baseless speculation are truly endless!

Said one devastated neighbour, Myrtle Beach: “We knew Molly was accused of a brutal murder but had no idea she was leading a double life as a torrid temptress who lured lovelorn editors into having her on the front pages every chance they got.”

INSIDE
Molly – Will she go down?
Why do models love skimpy bikinis? Phwoar!
Why-oh-why is our circulation plummeting?