Latest from the Blog:

Boris: Whoops!
Boris Johnson Britain’s Foreign Secretary tells it like it isn’t TREBLE CRIPES! Everyone is suddenly going around saying that yours truly isn’t on the ball re this Irish border Brexit ballyhoo. Well, hang on there, all Old Bozza did was pour a drop of proverbial oil on... Read more »

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That Camden-Westminster border
Camden Westminster Border 1. Nigel Farage International Airport 2. Theresa May stranded on roundabout 3. Tedious border guard (Gregory Campbell) 4. Jacob Rees-Mogg deporting Remainiacs 5. Fireworks stall run by Sammy Wilson 6. Police state patrolled by Eurosceptics 7. Customs (playing orange card etc) 8. Permanent DUP road... Read more »

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Anatomy of a crime
Anatomy of a crime 1. 65 gardaí protecting scuba diving equipment 2. Evelyn Cusack drinking gallon of Red Bull 3. Regina Doherty doing U-turns 4. Jim Daly burning bread to keep warm 5. Noel Rock tweeting from the pub

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Leo: ‘Global warming not a problem’
Leo Varadkar TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has pledged that no part of the coastline will be flooded as a result of global warming with the help of a €500m Climate Action Fund. Speaking to reporters (“advertorial writers”, surely – Ed) last night, Mr Varadkar announced that the government... Read more »

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Reaction to Project 2040
Fionnan Sheahan Fionnan Sheahan This is a marvellous initiative that should have hugely positive economic results for the country’s newspapers. It should also maximise productivity in the Strategic Communications Unit who’ve been working overtime trying to pull the wool over people’s eyes. Mediaforce Boss This was a... Read more »

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King of the Midlands issues decrees
Kevin Boxer Moran His Royal Highness, King of the Midlands Boxer Moran has issued the following royal decrees: Golden Island shopping centre to be the new location of royal court  Shane Ross to be awarded Earldom of Stepaside  Robert Troy to be exiled to Troy  The Shannon waters... Read more »

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More Projects Clarified
Project Ireland 2040 Note to Editor: Can you put this near the sports section where people can’t miss it and make sure the advertorial bit is not in bold lettering? Sustainability (keeping up the spin) Water Management: As Minister Creed has noted (pages 391-8) Ireland’s special relationship with... Read more »

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Doctor in the House
Doctor Varadkar As the Beast from the East descends, the Eoin O’Duffy Memorial Infirmary, aka Blueshirt General, is on emergency footing. Meanwhile, hospital master Leo Varadkar learns of a more worrying development from his Strategic Communications Unit. Varadkar (answering phone): Yes John. What ingenious wheeze for publicising... Read more »

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Papal Bull(ETIN)
Pope Francis wave ULTRA-HUMBLE greetings from your supreme pontiff. Yes, it’s my busy time here at Vatican HQ, issuing proclamations, kissing babies, arranging exorcisms – and then the whole Easter programme just around the corner. Sometimes I ask myself: Am I the only good selfless person left on... Read more »

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Spot the Difference
Spot the Difference 3605   Xi Jinping Michael D Higgins Abolished one-child policy Abolished one-term policy Expert on Great Wall  Expert on stonewalling Likes pandas Likes causing pandemonium  Has cracked down on dissidents Has cracked down on awkward questions Friends with Kim Jong-un Friends with Alan Kelly Writes questionable... Read more »

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TRIBUTES PAID TO PART-TIME RUGBY PLAYER
Jamie Heaslip By Phil T Lucre & Gary Owen THE world of rugby was left stunned and saddened today after Leinster and Ireland businessman Jamie Heaslip announced his immediate retirement from the game. Heaslip had earned the respect and admiration of fans everywhere for his closing of... Read more »

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Rejected St Patrick’s Day Grand Marshals 
shamrock Johnny Vegas  Frosty the Snowman  Yeti  Boris Johnson  Jack Frost  Fredro Starr  Arsene Wenger  Eddie Jones 

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Trump excited by Paddy’s Day visit
Donald Trump US PRESIDENT Donald Trump has expressed his excitement at finally getting a chance to meet Leo Varadkar face to face on St Patrick’s Day. Speaking to reporters from the Russian embassy Mr Trump emphasised the similarities between himself and the Fine Gael leader. “Tremendous guy. I... Read more »

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Nugent opts to stay busy
Ryle Nugent By Dessie Mated FRIENDS AND colleagues lavished praise on RTÉ head of sport Ryle Nugent yesterday as the Ballyfermot man bids farewell to his post after eight years in the top job. The move comes amid a severe shrinkage in RTÉ’s sports portfolio, with only... Read more »

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