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That Broadcasting Authority Report in Full

It is our view that the merger of Celtic Media
with Independent News and Media could result
in the following:

a) Tens of thousands of households being flooded with Denis O’Brien’s view of the world.

b) Re-heated “humour” columns penned by Declan Lynch or Brendan “Brennie Hill” O’Connor leading to mass depression and self-harm across rural areas.

c) Scientific gobbledegook about water charges being good,
inciting high blood pressure and cardiac arrests.

d) Environmental damage caused by even more free newspapers being handed out at music festivals, sporting events, the
Ploughing Championships, open-air masses etc.


SUN says “Ciao Hottie Totti!”

IT HAD to happen eventually. It couldn’t go on forever. The whole of Rome and every tabloid newspaper in the world is in mourning this week at the retirement of Ms Hottie Totti from the pages of the tabloid press.
Ms Hot-to-trot’s husband, Francesco Totti – a useless, over-rated stay-at-home footballer – joined her as she completed a simulated lap-dance of honour to the delight of fans in the Stadio Olimpico in Rome.
The ecstatic crowd cheered and waved banners reading Salutare 36:24:36 – an obvious reference to her 36 years 24 months and 36 days as a leading “player” in the modelling world (I think you’ve got this wrong. – Ed) — while the blonde bombshell strutted her stuff, pursued by a phalanx of panting paparazzi.

“She was a real girl next door” – Sid Slime, Editor-in-chief The Sun
“She seems like a nice Catholic girl” – P Francis, Vatican Vice
“Could we get her to do a centrefold for the mag?” – Niamh Phwoaran, Sindo
“She’s so hot, she’s cool. Love to meet her for a covfefe.” D Trump via Twitter 3 am

Special 94 page full colour photo spread inside.


Keano laments bloodless fixture

ROY KEANE has lashed out at the Republic of Ireland team after no one died for the Republic of Ireland during their 1-1 draw with Austria. The assistant manager had issued a rallying call for the team to follow in injured captain’s Seamus Coleman’s footsteps and put “their bodies on the line”.

“Sure we got the win / draw,” said Keane, “but no one died for their country out, which is a disappointing.

“Yeah, you could say Glenn Whelan looked dead on his feet. I’ll take the argument that James McClean is brain-dead. Some might say there’s no life left in John O’Shea’s legs, but I wanted lads coming off the field on a stretcher. I could have killed a few of them in the dressing room if Martin wasn’t holding me back.

“It’s not good enough, to be honest. Where’s the commitment?”

Super Simo lashes Vile Vlad!
JAMES BLAND: Coveney pictured here at an audition following a casting call for Double 0 Zero

LEO Varakar’s rival for the Fine Gael leadership, Simon “Simo” Coveney, says he has not given up his ambition to lead Fine Gael and has promised that he will capitalise on Leo Vlad’s admission that his appeal is limited to “people in the porty who get up urly in the morning.”

SNORES

“Excuse me, but I appeal to the people who go to bed early at night,” Simo whimpered, to rousing snores from the audience. “And there are many more of them. So there.”

“As leader, Leo might like to swan around the town, sipping fat whites and having glacamole instead of mushy peas with his late night snack from the chipper, but my supporters are the tea-and-toast-at-ten people. The Just-In-Time people – The JITS. And I have got more of the jitters than Vlad.

Coveney will today unveil his secret wagon (surely “weapon” ?– Ed) in his long term quest for total dominance of the Fine Girl party. This is believed to be, er, Kate O’Connell (Who she? – Ed).

The plan is for Simon and Kate to rotate the role of Taoiseach equally between them with Simon taking the first 20 hours and Kate taking the final four. “And if we can get that far without an election,” she said, “we’ll have well exceeded our own expectations.”

Meanwhile, people across the nation are being treated for over-exposure to the Blueshirt leadership contest. “It’s like that film Alien Vs Predator,” said a punter. “Whoever wins, we all lose.”

VARADKAR’S 10-POINT PLAN FOR GOVERNMENT

1 Everyone in the country to be much better off

2 Particularly those who get up early in the morning

3 Special tax cuts for private sector workers who rise at dawn

4 Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens

5 Public Service shirkers to finally get their comeuppance

6 Outlaw all future strike action by layabout gardai, nurses, teachers, etc.

7 Abolish Simon Coveney’s Help-to-Buy-Votes scheme

8 Abolish Coveney, O’Connell and similar troublemakers

9 Appoint that little upstart Harris to new post in Leinster House car-park (in charge of essential latrine duties)

10 That’s it for the moment


Simon Coveney Favourites

Favourite song: It’s Over, Roy Orbison

Favourite film: The World’s Fastest Indian

Favourite TV show: The Weak in Politics

Favourite musical: A Man Of No Importance

Favourite saint: St Jude

Favourite proverb: Whistling Past The Graveyard

Favourite drink: Tepid water

Favourite bread: Stale

Favourite holiday: Bland Bay, New Zealand

Favourite temperature: Lukewarm


‘HE HAS MY VOTE’

I’m one of those early risers that Leo’s talking about. It warms the heart just to know that we’re at the forefront of his mind as he bids to lead the country. I usually get up about 5.30 or 6 depending on when the street sweeper needs me to move up a bit. Sometimes it’s earlier if my sleeping bag gets soaked in a rainstorm or that. It can be hard to get some kip when all you hear is squelching. On a few occasions I’ve been up at 4, usually by a guard or drunk kids coming home from town. So, speaking as one of the people that Leo wants to be a leader for, he has my vote.


SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
ROGER MOORE/BOND LEO VARADKAR
Suave British Spy Suave West Brit
Fights megalomaniacs Is a megalomaniac
Drives Aston Martin insanely Drives Micheál Martin insane
Drinks dry martini Is a dry sleeveeny
Despises Dr No Despises doctors and nurses
Puts his health at risk Puts health service at risk
Engages in shock and awe Is shocking and awful

Goldhawk’s guide to the Championship

Dublin
Things got off to a bad start for the Blueshirts when the new manager claimed only players who attended early morning training could expect to be rewarded with a place in his team. But he adopted a novel approach to training by encouraging his team to respond to dog whistles.

 

 

 

Cork
Managed by veteran boss Micheál Martin, this rebel outfit are struggling to hit top form. His attempts to play on both sides resulted in players being forced into needless solo runs and embarrassing u-turns.

 

 

 

Wicklow
Gaffer Seanie Fitz pulled off the result of the century by escaping from Dublin with a very favourable outcome. He asked his squad to pull on their green jerseys and draw the game out as long as possible.

Office of the Director of Corporate Enforcement – Job Application Form

Thank you for applying for a position with The Office of the Director of Corporate Enforcement.
In order for us to process your application we require you to complete the attached form containing a few simple questions.

To assist you a little we have provided clues to the answers in the adjoining column. Remember take your time – you have nine years to get this right.

  • Can you tell your arse from your elbow? (No)
  • Do you know what day of the week it is? (No)
  • Do your knuckles get scraped when you walk? (Yes)
  • Does your right hand know that your left hand is filling this form (No)
  • Tasked with organising a party in a brewery, would you ensure there was no transport, beer taps or bottle openers available? (Yes)
  • Name the best use for a fork: (Eating soup)

Congratulations on a job well done!! Can you start on the day after Sunday, whatever it’s called? (Yes).