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‘Oireachtas chemsex orgies out of control’
POWER IS A DRUG: And Alan Kelly is the reason they call it dope

By Our Medical Staff

CONCERN is growing among medical professionals about the proliferation of chemsex orgies around the country.

In particular, a building on Kildare Street has become notorious for its shocking scenes of rampant excess.

“I’ve never seen anything like it,” said one insider. “Non-stop orgies of self-congratulation that go on for days.

“Power is a drug to these politicians and they will stop at nothing until they achieve total domination.

“Of course, these political parties can get out of hand – particularly if there’s a microphone in the vicinity or expenses to be claimed, in which case people can get trampled in the stampede.

“People need to think of protection,” said one party-goer speaking on condition of anonymity. “I recommend hiring a team of spin doctors to ensure you stay safe.”


SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
HILLARY CLINTON ARLENE FOSTER
Can’t stand the heat in the kitchen Can’t stand the heat in the kitchen
Has recurring problems with troublesome emails Has recurring problems with troublesome males
Always keen on running for high office Always keen on running for cover
I’ve put up with enduring systematic abuse for years Yes, my party colleagues hate me as well
Working alongside bullies like Anthony Weiner is impossible Have you met Nigel Dodds?
Oohhh! Aren’t men awful! Oohhh! Aren’t Sinn Féin awful!

ARLENE FOSTER PLAYLIST

Enda’s Story – The newsletter of St Enda’s Special School

A message from the principal

Well, I hope you all had a great Christmas and that your batteries are now fully recharged. But 2017 is already upon us, so it’s time to take down the decorations and recycle the tree. It’s also time to pack away the crib for another 12 months, not that my critics are ever ready to do that: cribbing is a year-round activity for them, I’ve noticed.

Among other things, this will be the Chinese Year of the Rooster. So, as the person who still rules the roost around here, allow me to be the first to say “Cock-a-doodle-doo” to the year ahead, especially to anyone who’s after my job.

We can learn much from the Chinese, including respect for the wisdom of age. As an illustrious predecessor of mine once said, when people were suggesting it was time for him to retire: “Some of those Chinese leaders go on until they’re 80 or 90.” I may not stay that long myself. But for the Year of the Rooster, at least, I intend to keep my pecker up. Anyone who thinks he’s a bigger cock than me will have to prove it.

Speaking of which (and speaking of things from the Far East), I see that yet another opinion poll over Christmas has confirmed Mr Varadkar as the leading candidate to replace me as principal, eventually.

It also suggested – bizarrely – that he could win more “seats” than I could, as if running St Enda’s was all about furniture provision. On the contrary: just ask our school doctor, Mr Harris, who currently has a record number of trolleys in action over at the infirmary, and much good it’s doing him.

No, there’s a lot more involved in this job than mere seating arrangements: although come to think of it, Mr Fitzmaurice may need quite a few new chairs in his class to deal with all those Syrian kids we’ve just landed on him at short notice.

Yes, that was a bit sudden, I suppose. But Christmas is by tradition a time for dealing with the emergency accommodation needs of middle-eastern families. So I’d urge Mr Fitzmaurice to bear than in mind before he packs one kind of crib away and starts assembling another.

In the meantime, I will ask Mr Varadkar – with great contacts in the furniture industry – to find the extra chairs needed. And if there’s a temporary shortfall, no doubt Mr Harris can roll something out too.


Sleep-out for homeless a great success. Sleep-in by homeless not so much.

Congratulations to our transition year pupils who raised several hundred euro for homeless charities with their annual sleep-out on the streets over Christmas. Well done too to Mr Coveney who supervised the group and ensured that, contrary to what some students had hoped, their experiment in living rough did not include uncontrolled drinking and substance abuse.

Their experience was not entirely without hardship, however: we hear Mr Coveney brought his guitar along and insisted on treating them to repeated renditions of Streets of London and several other classics from his repertoire. Such are the indignities of street living.

In the meantime, St Enda’s reiterates its condemnation of those so-called activists who took over a disused building on the school grounds over Christmas and put actual homeless people in it. This action appears to have raised no money for homeless charities, whatever, while setting a dangerous example. A court eviction order has been secured and the matter is now in the hands of the gardaí.


Shunning in the Corridors – a warning

It’s unfortunate that we have to remind everyone yet again of one of the basic rules of behaviour at St Enda’s: that there must be no shunning in the corridors at any time.

This warning follows a serious incident before Christmas in which our school secretary, Ms Doherty, had her nose put seriously out of joint by contact with the cold shoulder of a member of the ladies Gaelic football team, Ms McEntee.

We are investigating reports that Ms Doherty then reacted by taking a swing at Ms McEntee with a rolled-up copy of The Irish Times. In any case, Ms McEntee is now also on a trolley at the infirmary, suffering from a bad case of chief-whiplash.

The incident happened in the so-called Meath East corridor: a notoriously narrow stretch of hallway with no room for two ambitious women to pass each other in opposite directions safely. The area has now been cordoned off while skin and hair samples are collected.


Renewable Hate Incentive: Ms Foster refuses to stand aside

The principal of our small neighbouring school, Stormont Academy, has resisted calls to stand aside pending an investigation into her role in the so-called RHI scandal.

Ms Foster said she had done nothing wrong and would not be giving into pressure from “misogynists”, “Fenians”, “Lundys” or any other group she could think of the mere mention of which would force her atavistic core supporters to unite behind her.

Academy management has been under severe pressure for several weeks over the Renewable Hate Incentive, which was supposed to be an environmentally-friendly heating scheme, but due to a disastrous misprint in legal documents, turned into a campaign of sectarianism instead.

Before the scandal broke, there were signs that Catholics and Protestants at the cross-community school were putting decades of bitterness behind them and beginning to get along.

Now the Renewable Hate Incentive appears to have revived sectarianism and put it on a sustainable footing, promising lucrative returns to bigots, on minimal investment, for many years to come.

‘Irish Times’ explains that Nick Pell explainer

By Kevin ‘Kev’ O’Sullivan

ONE REALLY is rather taken aback by the fuss created by our publishing that somewhat colourful piece by Mr Pell.

The reason we felt compelled to print the article was to awaken our otherwise intelligent and informed readers to the rather alarming fact that there are some very nasty chappies out there.
And they don’t all work for Mr O’Brien, you know.

Goodness, I was quite shocked myself to read some of the terminology employed by Mr Pell, particularly in reference to chaps of African American persuasion and perhaps those with gender orientation issues. And he seemed such a charming young man in the e-mails. And I say, what a splendid moustache he sports!

Nonetheless I felt I really had to inform the masses of this kind thing of thing being abroad in the world.

In so doing I believe my efforts succeeded in informing the great unwashed and stimulating debate across the sherry tables of the nation. In fact, I note that we sold 22 copies of the paper in County Kerry, and another five in County Waterford.

I think the figures stand for themselves and clearly prove that the dear, conscientious Irish public embraced our efforts and did so by doubling our readership on the day.

AMY HUBERMAN NOT AT PR EVENT SHOCK
NO-SHOW: Sources have revealed that Huberman was off being unfeasibly successful and well dressed at another event

LEADING Irish celebrity Amy Huberman surprised onlookers at an event yesterday when she failed to make an appearance or be photographed for the newspapers.

The multi-talented actress and style icon stunned the event’s organisers by not arriving at a fashionable Dublin hotel wearing one of her trendsetting designs from her own classic collection.

“It was incredible,” said one distraught fan. “Amy wasn’t there looking amazing and being wonderfully natural with the reporters. We were hoping she might say something about her fairytale marriage and the unbearable pressures of combining her successful role as an attractive young mother with her soaraway television career, numerous advertising contracts – and still finding time to look fabulous while writing those amazing chick-lit novels.”

However, one of Ms Huberman’s assistants issued a statement at once, saying: “Although Amy Huberman does everything she possibly can to be everywhere at all times, she is sorry that she was unable to attend this particular event due to being at another one.”

Glossary of Irish Times terms

Everything you need to know about this massively controversial movement populated by fringe lunatics

Mullally — Long-winded opinion columnist who loves sound of own voice

O’Toole — Older version of a Mullally

Dead weight — Cliff Taylor think-piece

Paleocon — Letters page correspondent

Total con — Weekend magazine


BIG SAM’S ROYAL PAIN
PALACE INTRIGUE: Over the years, Big Sam has developed a reputation as a stickler for nutrition and conditioning

DISGRACED former Limerick FC manager Sam Allardyce has t faken up a new role as manager at Buckingham Palace! (Surely Crystal Palace? – Ed)

Allardyce will be responsible for ensuring that the popularity of the Palace – which has been on the wane since the departure of “the people’s striker” Di Anna – does not end in relegation to an even lower division of popularity.

Big Sam firmly believes he is the man for the job. “I once managed Limerick. Now those were family feuds!”

Big Sam is reported to have already ear-marked under-performing royals for a clear-out. Out-of-form midfielder Charlie Windsor is rumoured to be on his way to Duchy Utd; Randiandi and Fergiana are on the transfer list. Meanwhile, misfiring striker Harry Windsor is rumoured to have already lined up a move to Borussia Heilhitler in the German Bundesliga.

Obama rows back on mantra
NOD AND WINK: Did Obama have his fingers crossed when he said Yes We Can?

BARACK OBAMA is set to scrap his pre-2008 election slogan Yes We Can for the less catchy No We Couldn’t as his presidency ends. He rose to power aided by the famous mantra but eight years on many of his vague promises and hopey changey stuff have fallen flat.

“I’ll embark on the after-dinner circuit now and make a few quid off that but to be honest Yes We Can isn’t going to cut it,” said Obama. “Maybe I should’ve gone with ‘Yeah, we might be able to’ but now I’ll tell the truth. ‘No we couldn’t’ is more accurate.”


Brilliant Buckley presents “progressive pension plan”

GENEROUS: This INM executive expressed delight at the board’s warm and humane treatment of staff

by the Entire Indo Staff

CHAIRMAN of the board of INM Leslie Buckley has assured employees that senior management will do its utmost to resolve the pensions dispute as soon as possible. In a statement released yesterday, Mr Buckley said that further comment would be inappropriate due to on-going negotiations with trustees.

The progressive approach being taken by INM is in line with the position taken recently by the company’s major shareholder, Denis O’Brien.

Mr O’Brien has been repeatedly vilified by left-wing TDs who paint a picture of a ruthless, manipulative megalomaniac scarcely recognisable to those of us who know him for the generous employer that he is.

As Leslie Buckley has pointed out, the latest “progressive pensions plan” adjusts entitlements to a substantial 3.75% of their original value, guaranteeing members much greater long-term control over their savings.

One satisfied INM journalist commented last night: “Sure, Mr O’Brien has made a few mistakes, but then who hasn’t? Which one of us, given supreme power, would not act in exactly the same way?”


The Bert is back!
WE ALL BERTIED: Ahern, pictured here in a cupboard, will be remembered as one of our most dignified statesmen

THE world of politics has been rocked to its foundations by the news that Bertie Ahern, who did himself and the Fianna Fail party (But particularly himself — Ed) some, er, sterling service, is thinking of re-entering politics.

But the man-in-the-anorak announced he will not be re-joining the Fianna Fail party. “I have an open mind” he said “I might join de Anti-Authority Alliance, or de People before de Prophet party. I am a socialist, after all. Or maybe even Denis O’Brien’s Irish Independents Alliance.

However, Mr Ahern told Goldhawk that FF leader Michéal Martin will allow him to rejoin the party in a leadership capacity if anything should happen to him. “’Over my dead body,’ were his exact words,” Mr Ahern said., “which is fair, really.”


EARLY MEMORIES OF SANTA CLAUS

Roy Keane:

“My earliest memory of Christmas was seeing this guy in the United colours in a Cork shop and knowing straight away that he was completely overweight. But what really annoyed the hole off me was that he didn’t seem to care and was actually acting all jolly about it! If you’re going to be a chimney to chimney performer you gotta be fit and the guy obviously hadn’t trained at all for the job. I refused to shake his hand. Why would I shake his hand?! ‘Get fit first’, I said, ‘you unfit langer!’”

Shane Ross:

Every Christmas I was utterly convinced that Santa Claus would not survive to the next one unless his business underwent a radical overhaul. I was intensely aware that his long-range express delivery service was a drain on his ability to meet his public service commitments. On my eighth Christmas I urged him to outsource some of his routes and downsize his elf workforce. He refused and I now fear we won’t have a Santa by 2018.

 

Michael O’Leary:

Early in life I learned that negligible landing charges on rooftops inevitably resulted in the local economy benefitting enormously but every f*& *!*g pinko left-wing North Korean-style government in this country insists on… (That’s enough gentle reminiscences for this year _Ed)

NewsTalk Christmas highlights

Business Breakfast
Ace reporter Paul Williams eases listeners into Christmas with a hard-hitting investigation into the scumbag TDs who are hell-bent on destroying the good name of Ireland’s greatest entrepreneur, Denis O’Brien.

High Ruin

The inimitable George Hook talks to high-flying Communicorp’s Lucy Gaffney and discovers that – despite malicious rumours – the company has never been more successful. Indeed, it is going from strength to strength and thriving beyond belief.

The Greed Room
Orla Barry goes behind the scenes inside the INM boardroom where Chairman Leslie Buckley shows her around a priceless collection of money that is growing beyond the shareholders’ wildest dreams.

Off the Wall Special
This week the lads turn their attention to the growing phenomenon of indoor blood sports currently sweeping the country. With graphic contributions from INM Chief Executive Robert Pitt that some listeners might find disturbing.

(That’s enough Christmas Newstalk –Ed)

A message from the ISPCP (Irish Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to politicians)

At Christmas it is all too easy for feelings of kindness and sentimentality to dictate our actions. That is why we must think very carefully about the long-term consequences of showing compassion. So if you feel sorry for the Labour Party and choose to bring one of them home this Christmas, please think it through! It may be better to walk away. For every so often we see members of the Labour Party feted and befriended by misinformed voters. Weeks later we find them abandoned, alone and dejected again as reality hits home.

Remember: The Labour Party is not just for Christmas. It may well last until Easter.


That Áras Christmas Dinner

Brown Tongue Soup
Havana Fritters with Potatoes
(Half-Baked in their Dinner-Jackets)
Red Snapper à la Castro

–O–

Junket
Toadie-In-The-Hole
Creeps Suzettes

–O–

Waffle with Syrup
Pizza In Our Time with Leftovers,
Cuban cigars

–O–

All washed up with
Vintage Champagne in the Áras
Selection of finest Reds
Je Ne Regrette Riesling

MUSIC: Buena Vista Champagne Socialist Club

O’BRIEN MOVES TO DENY SANTA ACCESS TO HOME

Dear Mr. Claus,

I write in reference to the matter previously brought to your attention in which I sought total reassurance from you regarding an alleged plot to invade my personal space via my chimney on the night of December 24th next.

I find it most regrettable that you have neither acknowledged nor replied to my handwritten letter, personally delivered by courier to your North Pole abode.

I do not know what purpose may lie behind any plan to breach my privacy but I assure I will do everything necessary to prevent such access.

I now seek to advise you that I intend to apply for permission to operate a no-fly zone within 500 sq. metres of each of my chimneys.

I further advise you that should you fail, by December 22nd, to issue me with a guarantee that I am not on your so-called ‘list’ I will apply to the North Polar courts to have you grounded indefinitely.

Finally, any attempt by your so-called ‘team of elves’ to gain entry to my property at ANY TIME of the year will be met with the FULL FORCE of my own team of little helpers.

Yours sincerely (very)
Denis O’Brien,

New Year Predictions

Donald Trump

Donald Trump

America’s going back to work in 2017. Believe me. You won’t recognize the White House. Right? Profit-making enterprise, OK? Proper high-rise – at last 96-storeys. Roof-top casino on upper deck. Classy looking bar staff. Cleavage. The works. Let’s face it, Europe is finished. Full of losers, ok? Italy’s best known tower is leaning. Not right. Donald J. Trump is gonna straighten out everything. Yuge ban on Mexican ISIS. Yuge! Back to the future big-time! Better prisons. High-rise! School-kids properly armed. It’s gonna be beautiful.

Boris Johnson

What ho, fellow islanders. Bojo here to reassure you that everything is top notch between our two great countries. Cripes! No, no, really! And that Brexit is the best thing that’s happened in the history of the world. But it’s a whole new ball-game now that the glory recession days are over. So 2017 will mean a period of upbeat austerity to ensure that ordinary decent multi-talented British chaps like myself will soon get the chance to become Prime Minister – without Johnny Foreigner sticking his nose in.
(That’s enough predictions – Ed.)

RTÉ HOLIDAY MOVIES

A Christmas Carol
Perennial Dickens favourite, featuring Paschal “Scrooge” Donohoe as the miser who is determined to claw his way to the top. Co-starring Simon Coveney and Leo Varadkar as the ghosts of political humbug.

The Adams Family
Comic horror classic featuring the country’s most dysfunctional relatives! Heavy-duty laughs all the way as wise-cracking Gerry’s acute amnesia suddenly becomes contagious and spreads completely out of control. Is it time for the vampish Morticia Lou McDonald to take over?

A View to a Killing
Watch out! It’s a race against time! Can Denis O’Bond stop yet another vicious plot by his evil enemies to revoke his licence to make money? Yes! But not until he completes a secret mission to off-load one of his penniless Radio Stations to INM. Featuring the hit theme tune, “Putting Out The Writs”

(That’s enough awful RTÉ movies – Ed.)


Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery

This Week:

‘Denis’

Male name. Origin: France.
Pronounciation: Deni’.
Deriving from the Greek Dionysius meaning “follower of Dionysos.” (a Greek god).

  • Caring, Sensitive and Artistic.
  • Natural intelligence and humble demeanor. Loyal and trusting.
  • Found to be charming and handsome by many.
  • Cherished by family and much loved by many.

(Are you sure about all of this? – Ed)


BOB DYLAN’S NOBEL PRIZE-WINNING STOCKHOLM SETLIST

UPDATED SPORTING TERMS FOR 2017

Playing the man on — Not enough women on the board

Breaking ball — Not enough women on the board

Last man back — Not enough women on the board

Taking the man out — Not enough women on the board

Target man — Not enough women on the board


REVEALED: Terry Prone and Anton Savage’s WhatsApp chat

Enda’s Story – The newsletter of St Enda’s Special School

A message from the principal:

Enda Kenny

It’s hard to believe that, according to the latest school opinion poll, 30 per cent of you believe Mr Martin should be Principal.

But even if this extraordinary figure is accurate, it needs to be considered in the context of another of the poll’s results: that a whopping 81 per cent of students and staff now favour the legalisation of cannabis for medicinal purposes.

Clearly, those who of you who think Mr Martin could do my job must be smoking too much “weed” already.  And if you’re all smoking it to treat some pre-existing medical condition, especially of the psychiatric kind, that would not surprise me either.

Back in the real (non-hallucinatory) world, meanwhile, I will not be going anywhere soon.  Like that million-euro stud greyhound we were all reading about in the newspapers recently, I am back in my kennels for Christmas, still the top dog.

I won’t go so far as to quote those appalling rap artists that so many students listen to, because if I did, I might suggest something to the effect that all would-be contenders for the top job are currently my “bitches”.  Suffice to say that, if there is any public service to be done in the foreseeable future, I’ll be doing the servicing.

But getting back to the subject of alleged criminal activity, I also need to say something here about the question of discipline outside the school grounds.  Which, I would remind members of the St Enda’s Parents Committee, is a matter for the authorities, and not something they should ever take into their own hands.

This message is intended especially for Mr Adams, and the so-called Parents’ Independent Representative Association (PIRA), of which he claims never to have been a member.

Whatever the truth of that, recent news reports about their activities, and his intermediary role in them, represent a threat to the rule of law.  Even worse, they represent a threat to make Mr Martin look good, which may also explain his recent surge of popularity, assuming any of his poll supporters are not on drugs.

But enough of that for now. This is the last newsletter of a turbulent year. So let me end on a more optimist note.  To paraphrase John Lennon: “Merry Christmas, War (and the battle to replace me as principal anytime soon) is over”.  See you all in 2017.

Ross warns of school bus insolvency threat

Shane Ross

The St Enda’s bus driver Mr Ross has warned that his service could be insolvent within two years unless some “unpopular decisions” are made.

He declined to say what such decisions might involve, but it’s understood they may relate to the less economic parts of the route, including Waterford, where the bus goes every day, purely to accommodate one member of the school’s support staff.

An unnamed source close to Mr Ross admitted that the question of Mr Halligan’s continued inclusion on the passenger list was being looked at carefully.  “There may come a time,” the source continued in a plummy south Dublin accent, “when it’s just too much of a luxury to keep John on board”.

In a separate development, meanwhile, it’s believed that Mr Ross has belatedly accepted the school attorney’s advice that he cannot drive on both sides of the road simultaneously.

After a number of incidents earlier this Autumn in which he nearly met himself coming back, Ms Whelan cautioned him that all members of St Enda’s staff were expected to operate on the right of the central meridian at all times.

Mr Ross has agreed to bind by this rule in 2017, “except during emergencies, when I see an unpopular issue looming and I need to take urgent avoidance.”

School Crèche: Tenders invited

Tenders are invited for the running of the St Enda’s crèche, which will commence operations in the New Year. The facility is designed for the children of teachers, but may also temporarily accommodate unruly members of staff, especially the so-called “Independent Alliance”, every time they throw their toys out of the pram.  Persons wishing to tender are advised that they will be dealing with some of Ireland’s noisiest and pushiest children. Candidates are expected to have advanced child-minding qualifications and the patience of a saint. Application forms can be collected from the Principal’s office (just beside the St Enda’s Rebuilding Fund donation box — hint hint).

Scary Man seen near school may be former principal

Our semi-official support teacher Mr Martin informs us that the dishevelled man, possibly wielding a knife, who has been seen lurking around the neighbourhood in recent days, may be the former principle of a school that preceded this one.

Younger students will not remember, but what is now St Enda’s used to be the site of St Bartholomew’s College, or “Bertie’s” for short, which operated for many years before going up in flames one night back in the early years of the century.

The principal disappeared mysteriously soon afterwards and has not been heard of since. According to some reports, he was being detained in a high-security psychiatric hospital, wearing a strait-jacket. In others, he was just lying low in the snug of a pub in Drumcondra

Either way, Mr Martin warns us that he may now be on a revenge mission, a la Michael Myers in Halloween. Students and staff are advised not to approach him, even with a 40-foot pole.
“Above all,” Mr Martin adds: “Don’t listen to his insane claims about how much I knew about the running of St Bertie’s.  I was only a junior member of staff, running the first-aid clinic. They never even let me into the staff room – I swear.”


MOURINHO’S (IRISH) LEXICON OF FOOTBALL

Playing field: Uneven surface faced by taxpayers in Ireland
Flags: Something the regulator has been known to ignore
Goal: To save as much taxes as possible of course
Referee: Man with Irish accent who never blows the whistle
Net: Big profits left after playing the game
Penalty: Small punishment incurred if caught

No wuff justice for dog thieves
PAWS FOR THOUGHT: Clares Rocket pictured after her ordeal

THE GREYHOUND at the centre of the dognapping case in Limerick is not cooperating with gardai, according to sources.

Clares Rocket was stolen from its trainers’ kennel and held hostage for two days before being recovered.

Four people were arrested but specialist gardai vets have been unable to get any further information about the ordeal from the animal.

“We think he might be frightened,” said the source. “This case has all the hallmarks of a gangland job and we think the dog might be fearful for his children, believed to be in the hundreds at this stage.”

Enda’s salute to ‘idol’ Castro
HAVANA LAUGH: Despite being in power for a similar length of time, Enda Kenny has never really achieved Castro’s level of popularity

By Our Foreign Affairs Staff

TAOISEACH Endless Kenny has paid tribute to the late Cuban president Fidel Castro, saying he felt a kinship with a regime “that had remained in place for decades”.

In an official statement, Mr Kenny acknowledged that: “Like me, Castro was criticised for ruthlessly cracking down on critics and retaining an iron grip on power. However, we both boast a unique legacy. In his case, Cuba’s literacy rates and health service; in mine, leaving Ireland in a complete shambles.”

The Taoiseach’s statement was immediately criticised by Amnesty International, who described the Kenny administration as “a brutal dictatorship that ruthlessly crushes dissidents – not to mention the leadership dreams of Simon Coveney and Vlad Varadkar”.

The controversy comes amid suggestions that Ireland is entering a new period of diplomatic relations following Kenny’s shameless fawning over new US President Donald Trump and his recent meeting with Pope Francis.

Creature Care

This week animal behaviourist Richard Boyd-Barrett tells you how to stop your dog from making a mutt of himself

Man’s best friend likes nothing more than to be patted on the head and told what a good boy he is. Alas, this yearning for favour can cause embarrassment to his handlers – and anyone else watching.

I recently dealt with a very sad case in which a tattered old Mayo pointer went from chasing shadows and barking at Ross – a local bus driver – to prostrating himself before a newly-arrived American neighbour, licking his boots and rolling over to have his belly tickled (“Groped, surely” – Ed).

Sadly the Yank really only had time for pussycats and predictably, after initially having his ears rubbed, the unfortunate Mayo mutt got a kick up the arse and was sent packing with his tail between his legs. The result was his bark was never quite the same again and he completely lost his bite.

Even the bus driver started goading him more. If you want to avoid your pet acting the poodle and embarrassing you with complete strangers, I suggest keeping him on a very tight leash and an even tighter muzzle. And never ever let him out on his own.

Martin clarifies Fianna Fáil policy on water charges for coming week

I CANNOT understand why people think we are not being consistently consistent in our forward approach to retreating from bringing forward the issue of water charges, which are now almost behind us, going forward.

I have repeatedly sat down and explained where I stand on this matter. So I have little left to say on it other than to repeat once more that what I have to say is my final say on what is a controversial and complex issue that needs consideration on all sides, taking into account our long-stated position.

Fianna Fáil has never said it was not against not finally addressing the issue of discussing the ending of the water charges as we knew them and to work to bring forward a broad consensus that will meet the necessary criteria and deliver a high standard of water services which, as I have said all along, is what we want for the people of Ireland. I hope that makes our position clear once and for all until tomorrow.

APOLOGY President-Elect Donald Trump

Over recent weeks (and years), we may have conveyed the impression that billionaire and Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump was in some way an unhinged xenophobic pervert and bully.

Headlines, such as “Deranged Racist Clown”, “Misogynist Megalomaniac Moron” and “Crooked President-erect” may also have suggested that we had misgivings about Mr Trump’s suitability for the presidency and that his complex business dealings might be a little suspect.

We now realise (as of November 8) that President-elect Trump is in fact a great kind man, a wonderful philanthropist and the owner of two perfectly normal-sized hands.

Hail to the Chief and God bless the United States of America.

Spot The Difference
FIDEL CASTRO MICHAEL D HIGGINS
Gave lengthy speeches that bored everyone Gives long-winded talks that put people to sleep
Endless rhetoric Endless poetry
Believed he was superior to right Believes he’s always right
Took heat from America Takes first class trips to America
Won’t listen to anyone else Won’t listen to government
Nation shocked into sleep by Howlin statements
LABOUR REBUILD: Howlin enthralled all three party members at a recent meeting in Cork

THE Labour Party returned to the headlines with a resounding squeak yesterday as leader Brendan Howlin warned of “Trumpesque” forces at work in government circles.

The Wexford TD accused Transport Minister Shane Ross of “acting the Trump” in blaming others to deflect attention from his own inadequacies.

There was unanimous support for the Labour leader’s assertion by party voters. “He’s spot on there,” said one Labour supporter. “He speaks for us all,” said the other one.

Mr Howlin also quickly explained that his party colleague Alan Kelly criticising Jobs Minister Mary Mitchell O’Connor was “a different sort of thing and not at all Trumpesque”.

Meanwhile, the veteran politician clarified that he “always had a bad feeling” about the America’s President-elect but “decided to exercise discretion” when his former government colleague and best pal Baldy Noonan tipped his hat on bended knew before the billionaire boaster at Shannon airport in 2015. “Michael would have glared unmercifully at me and I really couldn’t bear that,” he explained.

Revealed: IRFU’s scrapped World Cup video
GENTLEMAN’S GAME: The video features cameos by some very famous Irish rugby fans

DETAILS OF a second Rugby World Cup 2023 video have emerged.

The IRFU used actor Liam Neeson to narrate an epic montage of heroic proportions that left no one in any doubt that Ireland is the greatest country, bar none, in the world. This video was picked to bolster the bid but Goldhawk has seen another video that was eventually binned.

The short advert – narrated by Sean FitzPatrick – starts in a hospital corridor where dozens of patients wait on trolleys.

It then cuts to a scene with Conor McGregor punching a fellow in the face. Next is a clip from the Dáil where Enda Kenny calls Trump a racist, then homeless people eating soup on the street and it ends with a replay of Dick Spring dropping the ball during his playing days with Ireland.

The IRFU would not comment on why the second video was not released.

TV Listings

• The Late Late Toy Show: Watch Ryan Tubridy barely conceal his disgust for spoiled, precocious little brats in this annual family favourite.
• Paul Williams: State of Fear: One journalist’s crusade to rid Ireland of scum and Newstalk of its remaining listeners.


a-united-kingdom

Government wins mannequin challenge

THE MANNEQUIN challenge has been called off after the Irish Government was declared the winner.

“There’s no point in continuing,” said a spokesman for the Guinness Book of Records. “Nobody could beat it as far as we’re concerned – 59 TDs standing completely still since February.

“You can’t even tell if they are alive or wax models. Total stasis. All the footballers, basketball players, musicians and jockeys can do the mannequin challenge until the cows come home, but they’ll never beat Irish politicians.”

O’Sullivan ‘never used pigeons for top secret messages’
WINGING IT: It is believed that the Kinahan gang is using tough northside pigeons to intimidate their garda counterparts

By Hugh Knows

A SENIOR Garda has strongly denied rumours that Commissioner Noirín O’Sullivan operated a private pigeon loft at the rear of Garda headquarters in the Phoenix Park.

The denial comes amidst fears that the limitations of the Garda Pulse system may have compelled the commissioner to rely on alternative methodology to transmit sensitive information to gardai.

Dismissing the suggestion that pigeons may have been used to carry sensitive messages the garda insisted there is “no evidence that any of the pigeons nesting at the rear of the building or indeed on the ledges or roof, were ever used by the commissioner to carry sensitive information to anywhere. It would be pointless anyway as they are only trained to home in on the chipper”, he insisted.

Meanwhile former US Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has said Commissioner O’Sullivan should be congratulated on….(Unfortunately the rest of this report seems to have mysteriously disappeared! – Ed)

THERESA MAY CLAIMS IRELAND’S WATERWAYS SHOCK!

IN A MAJOR escalation of its dispute with Ireland over ownership of Lough Foyle in Ulster, Prime Minister Theresa May now says “every bay, river, canal and lake in Éire rightfully belongs to the United Kingdom”.

The Tory leader says that “as 99% of Ireland’s seawater and rain comes directly from Britain” the claim is legitimate.

And in a further provocation, the prime minister says her office has already drawn up plans to rename the assets-in-waiting.

Those renamed waterways in full

Is Will be
Lough Erne Lough Ernie Wise
River Killala Bay Killallana Bay
Brittas Bay British Bay
Lough Conn Lough Connservative
River Inny River Innit
River Lee River Leeds
River Dodder River Ken Dodder
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
HILLARY CLINTON NÓIRÍN O’SULLIVAN
Fond of running for high office Fond of running for cover
Followed in husband’s footsteps Husband following in footsteps
Known widely for being generally secretive and crooked Known widely for being Ireland’s Garda Commissioner
Constantly tried to hide Bill’s indiscretions Constantly tries to hide everything
Denied smear campaign against Monica Lewinsky Denied approving alleged smear campaign against whistleblower
Career undermined by elements in the intelligence services Garda intelligence? You’ve lost me there!

BONO’S RINGSEND FILM STUDIO

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Enda’s Story – The newsletter of St Enda’s Special School

A Message from the Principal

enda-dogA dog is not just for Christmas, as we all know. But although that’s normally a warning issued to those planning to buy puppies as presents, it can sometimes apply to old dogs too.

I know, because I am such an old dog. And for a while now, I’ve been unable to avoid overhearing discussions from my “owners” (ie the Board of Management) about the possibility of getting rid of me in the new year and replacing me with something younger.

In a way, I can understand the temptation. You visit a dog shelter somewhere and you see a little pup with big imploring eyes and a cute name (probably “Leo”) looking back at you. Everything about him says: “Pick me! Pick me!” So of course you’re tempted

Or you see a lovable mongrel, called Simon, let’s say. He’s part-Greystones – I mean, greyhound – part-Corgi (as in Contae Corcaigh) and you find yourself wondering how he might turn out eventually, given proper nourishment and regular worm doses.

Or maybe it’s a well-bred bitch you’re tempted by: a bit more mature than the others, perhaps, but different from anything the other families in your neighbourhood have, and with a posh name (eg Frances) to boot.

Then you look at your faithful, trusty old pal, Enda: a Mayo Blue (a bit like a Kerry Blue, only a rarer breed and with a distinctive blue coat). And you think, well, we’re going to lose him sooner or later. Why don’t we put him down now, humanely, before it gets messy?

But then you look closer (I hope), and you notice that despite his age, Enda still has remarkably few grey hairs. He has no flies on him yet, either. He can still bark when necessary.

And look at those teeth: he may not have used them much lately, but there’s plenty of bite left in them if unwary postmen, gardaí, or other uniformed public service intruders come wandering up the (Lansdowne) road in the near future, as they surely will, looking for money.

Now, suddenly, the cute mongrels or well-bred britches don’t look quite so good anymore. You’re probably thinking instead: there’s life in the old dog yet. And you’re right.

That’s why, if anyone asks, the principal is now letting it be known that he’s not going anywhere in the new year, or the year after that. Maybe come 2018, when he’ll be nearly 70 (in human years), he’ll think about retirement. Or maybe not.

In the meantime, his message to everyone is: “Wuff, Wuff” (or in English, “Happy Christmas”).

Nothing Suspicious about Cycling Club’s Lotto Win

Congratulations to the local cycling club on scooping €20,000 in the St Enda’s annual lottery last week. By a happy chance, the club’s membership includes our principal. And the result was doubly coincidental, because who should have picked out the winning ticket only Mr Kenny himself!

enda-cyclingAs he commented on this turn of events: “What were the chances?” But as he quickly added, before the maths teacher could say anything: “That was a rhetorical question, Mr Noonan – no need to answer.”

Go Mairead!

All at St Enda’s wish the best of luck to our former teacher-turned-Eurocrat, Mairead McGuinness, who has declared her candidacy for some big job or other out in Brussels. We have no doubt she’ll win. But either way, Mairead is an inspiring example of how, if you have the right attitude, a disadvantaged background should not hold you back in life.

Stricken since birth with an Ardee accent, she suffered another potentially crippling blow in her early 30s when an addiction to publicity led her to become presenter of RTÉ’s Celebrity Farm.  Recovery from the experience necessitated months of trauma counselling – and that was just for viewers.

But she somehow put this embarrassment behind her, first to become a highly-respected agricultural science teacher at St Enda’s, where she was voted “staff member most likely to gut you if you get in her way”. After that, she moved to the continent, where she has become extraordinarily popular with those who don’t speak English as a first language and therefore have no idea how annoying she sounds.

Visit from Miss Sturgeon

19/6/2015 Taoiseach and Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny met with the First Minister of Scotland, The Right Honourable Nicola Sturgeon MSP in Government Buildings today ahead of the British-Irish Council (BIC) Summit. Photo: Mark Stedman/RollingNews.ie

A big thank you to Miss Sturgeon, principal of our neighbouring St Andrew’s Academy, for her very interesting address to the general assembly this week. As you’ll be aware, St Andrew’s is the junior feeder school for the Teresian College, now in the process of going private. It’s officially located on Teresian property, although this is now the subject of some dispute.

So it was useful to hear Miss Sturgeon’s perspective on the two schools’ differences and how they might impinge on St Enda’s. As outlined to the assembly, her plans include rebuilding the traditional boundary wall (“Hadrian’s”) between her school and Ms May’s; asserting ownership of the oil tanks, currently on St Andrew’s territory: and making haggis a compulsory part of the school-lunch menu.

In his responding remarks, Mr Kenny said it was clear to him that the Teresians’ planned exit of the public system could not happen within the two-year timeframe its exponents demanded. In the meantime, he assured Miss Sturgeon of his assistance in matters of common interest, such as their joint desire to shaft Ms May as thoroughly as possible at every turn.