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Ross defends latest wheeze
Shane Ross reacts to criticism
Shane Ross reacts to criticism

By Phil Space

EYEBROWS WERE raised in the Dáil yesterday when Minister for Strokes, Shane Ross, announced a series of new initiatives. The first unexpected announcement was the green light for a third terminal at Dublin Airport. Minister Ross has now confirmed that the public-private venture will go ahead at a cost of approximately €1.2bn, with the location chosen as Glasthule, in the heart of the Dún Laoghaire-Rathdown constituency represented by Mr Ross.

When asked to explain the criteria behind the choice of Glasthule, approximately 45km from the Dublin airport runways, the Minister explained that the population in the south county Dublin suburb had been increasing rapidly in recent years “and many of these constituents – sorry, citizens – are eager to travel abroad.” The Minster also pointed out that the location of the new terminal would prove advantageous to those living in other suburbs such as Glenageary, Killiney and Monkstown, “all of whom have votes”. Fianna Fáil dismissed the plan as an example of “the worst type of parish pump politics”, with an angry Micheál Martin saying, “I wish we had thought of it first”. Sinn Féin, meanwhile, questioned whether the surrounding infrastructure was in place but Mr Ross assured Mary Lou McDonald that his constituency office was centrally located.

WHO’S WHO IN BUDGET 2018
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Elderly and institutionalised: RTÉ presenters
Squeezed middle: People who use toothpaste in the morning
Those left behind: Ryanair passengers
Recently made redundant elderly male: Kevin Myers
Struggling ex-pats returning home: Ireland football team
Over-50s musician on time-limited contract with God: Bono (Also see Budget 2018 The Netherlands)
Minority group facing oblivion: Labour Party


US sex guru dies
Hugh Hefner

by Our Obituary Staff – Bunny Ghoul

MIDDLE-AGED men around the world were in a state of shock today following the sad news that Hugh Hefner, America’s uncrowned ‘King of Sex’ has passed away at the age of 69 (surely 91? – Ed).

The self-styled godfather of the sexual revolution is reported to have died peacefully from total exhaustion during a weekend orgy at his Los Angeles mansion. He was surrounded by bunny girls, celebrity breasts and a bevvy of beautiful cash.

Speaking to reporters last night, Hefner’s widow, 19-year-old Candy Cleavage, bravely fought back tears as she spoke about her famous husband.

“To me, Hef was simply the multi-millionaire,” she sobbed.

FOR SALE
sunday-business-post

One highly distinguished Sunday newspaper, The Last Post, (established 1989) currently owned by Sunset Media.

Reluctant sale due to unexpected lack of big profits. Would ideally suit billionaire buyer who has experience of costly media interests.

Newspaper comes complete with:

  • Small but select circulation;
  • Assorted photographs of Ian Kehoe with other celebrities;
  • Selection of unused three-page ‘Special Investigations’ ready for publication;
  • One long-winded weekly article (can be re-run) by corruption expert Elaine Byrne;
  • Tom Lyons;
  • I copy, How To Win Readers And Influence People, paperback (unread);
  • Underground chamber stacked with dust-covered pieces by Matt Cooper, Tom McGurk and David McWilliams;
  • No sports section (That’s enough Business Post. Ed.)
COLM COOPER FAVOURITES
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  • Favourite TV show: The Price Is Right
  • Favourite film: A Fistful of Dollars
  • Favourite song: Take the Money and Run
  • Favourite animal: Fat cat
  • Favourite food: Bread
  • Favourite character: Gordon Gekko
  • Favourite book: My Post Office savings book
  • Favourite tennis player: Pat Cash
  • Favourite colour: Gold
TV Listings
Retro tv icon
  • Mr Mercedes RTÉ 2, 7:00PM — Documentary about Fine Gael TD Noel Rock as he attempts to get his hands on a ministerial car. Contains scenes some viewers may find cringeworthy.
  • Embarrassing Nobodies TV3, 8:00PM — Medical series. Dr Pixie McKenna meets Ivan and Matt who have being suffering from chronic smugness since childhood.
  • Nowhere Fast RTÉ1, 10:00PM — In-depth analysis of the Labour Party’s prospects under the stewardship of Brendan Howlin.
  • Acceptable Risk RTÉ 2, 9:30PM — Fianna Fáil leader Micheál Martin explains his strategy of simultaneously being in and out of government.

RAIL PASSENGERS TO MISS CANCELLED FLIGHTS
Train-queues

THOUSANDS of commuters face being late for their cancelled Ryanair flights after the dispute between Irish Rail unions and management escalated last night.

As the threat of strike action grows, there are fears that passengers will be left stranded at rail stations unable to get to the city to hail a taxi that would bring them to their abandoned journeys.

Said one angry businessman in Sligo, “I’m due to fly out from Dublin for a crucial conference on Tuesday. This train farce means I will probably miss my cancelled flight before arguing with a Ryanair official about getting onto another airline six hours later.”


Bertie ‘willing to help’
Bertie Ahern

By Phil Boots

FORMER Taoiseach Bertie Ahern says he is “willing and able” to assist Kerry football legend Colm ‘The Gooch’ Cooper with his testimonial dinner this month.

The ex-Fianna Fáil leader said, “I actually participated in several fundraising events of that kind back in the day so I have great experience. It’s not as straightforward as it looks. You need to have people handy with numbers counting the money.

I’d be delighted to lend my experience, with a 5% fee reduction as it’s for charity.”

Cooper responded to the offer by saying he has already decided to take advice on the matter from rugby legend Brian O’Driscoll: “Nobody ever cleaned up like Drico did. That London bash – pure genius. I wouldn’t be up to that, but I do have a move or two of my own.”


SEPARATED AT BIRTH

Guy Verhoftstadt

Guy Verhoftstadt

 Jürgen Klopp

Jürgen Klopp

GEORGE HOOK ON WOMEN DRIVERS
saudi-woman-driving

GEORGE HOOK has condemned Saudi Arabia’s decision to allow women drive cars. The veteran broadcaster claimed male motorists would need to exercise extreme caution on the roads.

“The problem with putting women behind the wheel is that they are always giving mixed signals and they don’t understand the concept of a green light. We need to put our foot down and end this nonsense,” the Newstalk star said.

But a Saudi government spokesman dismissed Hook’s accusations and claimed the presenter was living in the past: “George is a relic of a bygone era and his chauvinist comments have no place in a progressive country like Saudi Arabia. The man shouldn’t be allowed out on his own,” he said.


Spotify_Hook

MITCHELL O’CONNOR TO BE CELEBRATED?
Mary Mitchell O'Connor

By Phil Antrophy

THE GOVERNMENT was coming under increasing pressure last night to declare September 26th ‘National Mary Mitchell O’Connor Day’. The calls follow the announcement by the ‘Super Junior’ Minister of State for Altruistic Endeavour (Surely Higher Education – Ed) that she was “happy to forego” a U16,000 salary hike to which she was never actually entitled. A close friend says, “It’s just so typical of Mary. I remember as a child she came round to my birthday party and immediately said she was happy not to take her present back home even though it wasn’t hers. I was stunned that she was so happy to forgo it. She’s definitely one of a kind.”


TAOISEACH DEFENDS PHOTOBOMBING ALLEGATION

Government plans new referendums
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THERE was widespread apathy throughout Ireland last night after the Taoiseach announced a timeline for several new referendums over the next two years. As almost nobody at all took to the streets to welcome the news, one angry Dubliner summed up the mood of the nation. “It’s just typical,” said Mike Madeupname. “You wait ages for a referendum and then a whole convoy come along at once.”

THOSE REFERENDUMS (IN FULL)

Do you want to have a totally secular society with compulsory abortion, divorce and all that liberal carry on?
◊ YES ◊ NO
Wouldn’t it be nice to prevent the diaspora from voting in Presidential elections just to annoy Michael D?
◊ YES ◊ NO
Do you prefer the word ‘referenda’ to ‘referendums’?
◊ YES ◊ NO
Should the unborn be given a vote in future referendums?
◊ YES ◊ NO
Are there far too many of these referendums?
◊ YES ◊ NO
Does anyone care in the slightest about how town mayors are elected?
◊ NO ◊ NO
Is Leo Varadkar a very good Taoiseach or a really excellent Taoiseach?
◊ YES ◊ YES


Doctor in the House

It’s another busy morning in the Eoin O’Duffy Memorial Infirmary, aka Blueshirt General. Hospital master Leo Varadkar tours the wards, accompanied by matron Frances Fitzgerald.

Varadkar (stopping by a patient’s bed and examining chart): Who do we have here?

Fitzgerald: It’s the Joint Committee on the Eighth Amendment to the Constitution.

Varadkar: Strange name – although who am I to talk? What’s it’s problem?

Fitzgerald: Crisis pregnancy. We think the foetus has the potential to threaten the life of the mother… (she lowers her voice and leans into Varadkar) and possibly of the hospital as well.

Varadkar (performing ultrasound scan while studying screen): I can’t see anything.

Fitzgerald: Well it’s still very much in the embryonic stage.

Patient: Can we take it you’ll support us whatever decision we make, doctor?

Varadkar: Yes, probably. Although it’s a complex issue, so I’d like to get a second opinion. And, as it happens, my second opinion is no.

Patient: What?

Varadkar: Yes, I’m officially in two minds. But I’ll tell you what. Let’s just wait until we see the shape of this thing (he pats the patient’s belly). I might make a decision then.

In the operating theatre, a patient is undergoing emergency surgery, between screams.

Varadkar (to surgeon): What happened him, Dr Ross?

Shane Ross: Poor chap. Something blew up in his face. I’ve been extracting bits all morning.

Michael O’Leary (for it is he): Ouch!! That really hurts, Doc. When is the anaesthetic supposed to kick in, anyway?

Ross: You were expecting anaesthetic? Sorry. You’re booked in for the no-frills surgery.

O’Leary: Ah, for f**k’s sake! Ouch! All right – I want to be upgraded to the full epidural, now.

Ross: You’re out of luck, Mick. All our anaesthetists are on holiday – we had a problem with the annual leave backlog.

O’Leary: Arrgh! F**k!

Ross: But look on the bright side – our operation’s very cheap.

Varadkar (laughing and heading for the door): Don’t forget to charge him extra for the stitches, doctor.

In a ward on the hospital’s left wing, Dr Varadkar turns suddenly sarcastic after listening at length to a female patient complaining about her treatment.

Varadkar: May I take this opportunity to compliment you, Deputy McDonald, on the flawless delivery of your script?

Mary Lou McDonald (for it is she): I beg your pardon? Varadkar: The pauses, the intonation, everything. You must have spent ages rehearsing?

McDonald: Maybe you’d just answer my questions, Mr Smarty-Pants?

Varadkar: I thought you left-wingers had all the answers already. You’re always so good at diagnosing society’s problems and saying how you’d cure them. So check your script – all the information you need is probably already in it.

A group of hospital (law and) orderlies burst into applause nearby.

Fitzgerald: Keep it up, Leo. The Blueshirt grassroots love it when you have a go at lefties.

McDonald: Anyway, who are you to talk about people being scripted? Mr PR himself. It’s a wonder you still have time to turn up here. Surely there’s a photo op to attend?

Varadkar (looking at watch, startled): Gosh, you’re right, Mary Lou. My weekly spontaneous video presentation is in five minutes and I haven’t learned the lines.

The A & E department, later. The place is full of alcoholics and binge drinkers suffering the after-effects of a rough weekend.

Varadkar: This is why the hospital’s new campaign to reduce alcohol intake in the community is so important. By the way, is that Doctor Twomey, who used to work in St Enda’s? I didn’t realise he was back with us?

Fitzgerald: He’s not. He’s the medical director of something called Drinkaware now – it’s an industry lobby group.

Liam Twomey: (handing Varadkar his card): Hi Leo. I’m just here to tell people to drink alcohol sensibly.

Varadkar (noticing patient with hatchet in his head): The advice is a bit late in his case. Wait. Isn’t that Ciaran Conlon who used to work for us too?

Twomey: Yes, he’s doing some work for the Responsible Retailing of Alcohol in Ireland group. Similar line of business.

Varadkar: And that guy over there. Wasn’t he part of Dr Coveney’s staff?

Conlon: Yes. I think he’s lobbying for IBEC’s Alcohol and Beverage Foundation.

Varadkar: Jesus. I knew this job drives a lot of people to drink eventually, but this is ridiculous.

A man dressed as a bishop limps past, badly bruised and with a mitre wrapped around his neck.

Varadkar (to Dr Harris, who is treating him): Don’t tell me – a drunken fancy dress party?

Simon Harris: No, he’s a real bishop. He just made some unfortunate comments about the HPV vaccine.

Varadkar: So somebody beat him up?

Harris: I did it for his own good.

Credits and music roll. Varadkar and Fitzgerald look at each other wryly.

Varadkar: We’re working in a mad house, matron.


Those theatre festival highlights
Dublin Theatre Festival logo

Waiting for Pilots

Michael O'Leary

Michael O’Leary

Reworking of the classic Beckett play about two men waiting for a plane that never arrives. Starring Michael O’Leary as Vladimir and Shane Ross as Lucky. All times are approximate.

Much Ado About Nothing

Paschal Donohoe

Paschal Donohoe

The story of Paschal, a bright-eyed and bushy-tailed Blueshirt who has to give a meaningless budget speech to his friends in the media. Expected to sell out very quickly.

King Leo

Leo Varadkar

Leo Varadkar

A thin-skinned egomaniac (Leo) is gifted and cursed by the gods with a silver tongue and butterfingers. This results in everything Leo touches (health, housing, Brexit etc) turning to mush while he simultaneously evades responsibility for anything.

O’Neill and Keano Are Dead

Keano and Martin

Keano and Martin

Absurdist tragicomedy about two irrelevant bit players who manage to turn a routine errand overseas into a gruesome bloodbath. This very underwhelming performance will conclude in Cardiff on October 9th.

Angela’s Ashes

Angela Merkel

Angela Merkel

An examination of one woman’s desperate attempts to put back together her life’s work following its inevitable destruction by German voters. Could drag on until Christmas at least.

 

That 2023 Rugby World Cup Pitch
Rugby World Cup 2023 Squad

RTÉ’s Michael Corcoran (for it is he):

“…Welcome to Twickenham where Ireland is taking on the combined might of France and South Africa in an all-out bid to host the 2023 World Cup.

And already, the opposition have grabbed the game by the scruff of the teeth, thanks to the legendary 33-stone Jacob Zuma, who is rightly famed for his kicking ability. France’s Brigitte Macron is also getting in on the action. Indeed, there’s a bit of a kerfuffle going on around her – and it seems like Ireland’s ambassadors are definitely going for touch… Oh my – that’s a lovely little off-load.

Drico’s really popping up all over the place… Sadly, Amy Huberman’s on the bench today, busy filming her latest legal TV series back in Donnybrook.

Oh – and seizing the opportunity, it’s Leo Varadkar who is also getting involved right beside the touchline cameras – you can just see Vlad’s blue and red socks. He’s dropped the ball – it’s getting ugly out there now.

Bob Geldof’s come on – once known as ‘The Hitman’ – but that was a very long time ago – Geldof’s flailing about. He’s shouting abuse at the opposition and quoting Yeats again. The South Africans seem to be fading and the French and are going nowhere.

There’s some confusion and Vlad’s just run off with the ball and is rushing towards the photographers again – yes, it look like it’s all over…”

CRANKY MARY LOU
Mary Lou McDonald

THE TAOISEACH has defended controversial remarks he made about Sinn Féin’s Mary Lou McDonald. Varadkar was accused of sexism when he claimed Mary Lou was being “very cranky” following a heated exchange. But while speaking outside Leinster House, the Fine Gael leader denied he is patronising towards women. “I think anyone who witnessed the incident will agree that Mary Lou was hysterical. She is far too emotional and her shrill behaviour is unacceptable,” he claimed. The Taoiseach also believes the Sinn Féin politician will need to mind her manners at leaders’ questions. “Nobody likes bossy women, especially me, and I think she will have to lose the attitude. It wouldn’t hurt for her to smile a bit more either.”


Leinster work-ons

According to coach Leo Cullen, “Leinster can only control the controllables.” After their recent trip to South Africa, he has identified some issues to be addressed.

  • Brush up on international Visa requirements
  • Research a team call ‘The Cheetahs’
  • Bring up this whole playing against South Africa teams with Pro14 bosses

20 Years of Paul Howard

by Ross O’Carroll-Kelly

Exclusive extract from Keep ‘Em Coming, the hilarious new book by Ireland’s multi-award-winning journalist.

You don’t always have to be a top-notch sell-out author, playwright and all-round genius type comedy writer to be on the receiving end of so much attention in the soaraway Irish Times, but that’s exactly what I actually am in fact – an absolute phenomenon – roysh? And just about anyone else who matters is in total agreement. That’s loike my really good friend Róisín Ingle and all my non-swamp friends at the Times. Alpha bitches one and all – and totally into the fine orts. I mean, those goys really have their finger on the pulse and all that – unlike our red-faced garda boggers. Not that any of these dork culchies could ever work out the actual nuances of what it is to be a self-styled phenomenon that’s been re-running this one-trick pony joke for two long decades. I mean, it couldn’t be much simpler. Paul’s this goy, roight, who doesn’t realise that his constant rehashing of Southside society mores and flash cors is wearing a bit thin by this stage. Hilarious!


THOSE PASCHAL DONOHOE BOBBLEHEADS