Latest from the Blog:

Government wins mannequin challenge

THE MANNEQUIN challenge has been called off after the Irish Government was declared the winner.

“There’s no point in continuing,” said a spokesman for the Guinness Book of Records. “Nobody could beat it as far as we’re concerned – 59 TDs standing completely still since February.

“You can’t even tell if they are alive or wax models. Total stasis. All the footballers, basketball players, musicians and jockeys can do the mannequin challenge until the cows come home, but they’ll never beat Irish politicians.”

O’Sullivan ‘never used pigeons for top secret messages’
WINGING IT: It is believed that the Kinahan gang is using tough northside pigeons to intimidate their garda counterparts

By Hugh Knows

A SENIOR Garda has strongly denied rumours that Commissioner Noirín O’Sullivan operated a private pigeon loft at the rear of Garda headquarters in the Phoenix Park.

The denial comes amidst fears that the limitations of the Garda Pulse system may have compelled the commissioner to rely on alternative methodology to transmit sensitive information to gardai.

Dismissing the suggestion that pigeons may have been used to carry sensitive messages the garda insisted there is “no evidence that any of the pigeons nesting at the rear of the building or indeed on the ledges or roof, were ever used by the commissioner to carry sensitive information to anywhere. It would be pointless anyway as they are only trained to home in on the chipper”, he insisted.

Meanwhile former US Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has said Commissioner O’Sullivan should be congratulated on….(Unfortunately the rest of this report seems to have mysteriously disappeared! – Ed)


IN A MAJOR escalation of its dispute with Ireland over ownership of Lough Foyle in Ulster, Prime Minister Theresa May now says “every bay, river, canal and lake in Éire rightfully belongs to the United Kingdom”.

The Tory leader says that “as 99% of Ireland’s seawater and rain comes directly from Britain” the claim is legitimate.

And in a further provocation, the prime minister says her office has already drawn up plans to rename the assets-in-waiting.

Those renamed waterways in full

Is Will be
Lough Erne Lough Ernie Wise
River Killala Bay Killallana Bay
Brittas Bay British Bay
Lough Conn Lough Connservative
River Inny River Innit
River Lee River Leeds
River Dodder River Ken Dodder
Fond of running for high office Fond of running for cover
Followed in husband’s footsteps Husband following in footsteps
Known widely for being generally secretive and crooked Known widely for being Ireland’s Garda Commissioner
Constantly tried to hide Bill’s indiscretions Constantly tries to hide everything
Denied smear campaign against Monica Lewinsky Denied approving alleged smear campaign against whistleblower
Career undermined by elements in the intelligence services Garda intelligence? You’ve lost me there!



Enda’s Story – The newsletter of St Enda’s Special School

A Message from the Principal

enda-dogA dog is not just for Christmas, as we all know. But although that’s normally a warning issued to those planning to buy puppies as presents, it can sometimes apply to old dogs too.

I know, because I am such an old dog. And for a while now, I’ve been unable to avoid overhearing discussions from my “owners” (ie the Board of Management) about the possibility of getting rid of me in the new year and replacing me with something younger.

In a way, I can understand the temptation. You visit a dog shelter somewhere and you see a little pup with big imploring eyes and a cute name (probably “Leo”) looking back at you. Everything about him says: “Pick me! Pick me!” So of course you’re tempted

Or you see a lovable mongrel, called Simon, let’s say. He’s part-Greystones – I mean, greyhound – part-Corgi (as in Contae Corcaigh) and you find yourself wondering how he might turn out eventually, given proper nourishment and regular worm doses.

Or maybe it’s a well-bred bitch you’re tempted by: a bit more mature than the others, perhaps, but different from anything the other families in your neighbourhood have, and with a posh name (eg Frances) to boot.

Then you look at your faithful, trusty old pal, Enda: a Mayo Blue (a bit like a Kerry Blue, only a rarer breed and with a distinctive blue coat). And you think, well, we’re going to lose him sooner or later. Why don’t we put him down now, humanely, before it gets messy?

But then you look closer (I hope), and you notice that despite his age, Enda still has remarkably few grey hairs. He has no flies on him yet, either. He can still bark when necessary.

And look at those teeth: he may not have used them much lately, but there’s plenty of bite left in them if unwary postmen, gardaí, or other uniformed public service intruders come wandering up the (Lansdowne) road in the near future, as they surely will, looking for money.

Now, suddenly, the cute mongrels or well-bred britches don’t look quite so good anymore. You’re probably thinking instead: there’s life in the old dog yet. And you’re right.

That’s why, if anyone asks, the principal is now letting it be known that he’s not going anywhere in the new year, or the year after that. Maybe come 2018, when he’ll be nearly 70 (in human years), he’ll think about retirement. Or maybe not.

In the meantime, his message to everyone is: “Wuff, Wuff” (or in English, “Happy Christmas”).

Nothing Suspicious about Cycling Club’s Lotto Win

Congratulations to the local cycling club on scooping €20,000 in the St Enda’s annual lottery last week. By a happy chance, the club’s membership includes our principal. And the result was doubly coincidental, because who should have picked out the winning ticket only Mr Kenny himself!

enda-cyclingAs he commented on this turn of events: “What were the chances?” But as he quickly added, before the maths teacher could say anything: “That was a rhetorical question, Mr Noonan – no need to answer.”

Go Mairead!

All at St Enda’s wish the best of luck to our former teacher-turned-Eurocrat, Mairead McGuinness, who has declared her candidacy for some big job or other out in Brussels. We have no doubt she’ll win. But either way, Mairead is an inspiring example of how, if you have the right attitude, a disadvantaged background should not hold you back in life.

Stricken since birth with an Ardee accent, she suffered another potentially crippling blow in her early 30s when an addiction to publicity led her to become presenter of RTÉ’s Celebrity Farm.  Recovery from the experience necessitated months of trauma counselling – and that was just for viewers.

But she somehow put this embarrassment behind her, first to become a highly-respected agricultural science teacher at St Enda’s, where she was voted “staff member most likely to gut you if you get in her way”. After that, she moved to the continent, where she has become extraordinarily popular with those who don’t speak English as a first language and therefore have no idea how annoying she sounds.

Visit from Miss Sturgeon

19/6/2015 Taoiseach and Fine Gael leader Enda Kenny met with the First Minister of Scotland, The Right Honourable Nicola Sturgeon MSP in Government Buildings today ahead of the British-Irish Council (BIC) Summit. Photo: Mark Stedman/

A big thank you to Miss Sturgeon, principal of our neighbouring St Andrew’s Academy, for her very interesting address to the general assembly this week. As you’ll be aware, St Andrew’s is the junior feeder school for the Teresian College, now in the process of going private. It’s officially located on Teresian property, although this is now the subject of some dispute.

So it was useful to hear Miss Sturgeon’s perspective on the two schools’ differences and how they might impinge on St Enda’s. As outlined to the assembly, her plans include rebuilding the traditional boundary wall (“Hadrian’s”) between her school and Ms May’s; asserting ownership of the oil tanks, currently on St Andrew’s territory: and making haggis a compulsory part of the school-lunch menu.

In his responding remarks, Mr Kenny said it was clear to him that the Teresians’ planned exit of the public system could not happen within the two-year timeframe its exponents demanded. In the meantime, he assured Miss Sturgeon of his assistance in matters of common interest, such as their joint desire to shaft Ms May as thoroughly as possible at every turn.

Trump’s cabinet picks

golferAlthough he has spent the past 16 months actively campaigning against Donald Trump, the Governor from Deadwood, Madison County, is highly regarded by Republican voters and is seen as a shoo-in for the Foreign Secretary job. In office, Looney will divide his time between improving his golf game and insisting that all visitors to the White House wear full tribal costume of suits and ties.

generalThis former four-star general, now tipped for the Homeland Security post, has campaigned on a platform of universal Devout Christian fundamentalism. Barking believes in repealing all healthcare programmes, increasing tax breaks for giant corporations and authorising immediate deployment of Tom Cruise missiles in the Middle East to “sort out the problems there for once and for all”.

gunLikely choice as Attorney General, Pallid is a traditional Republican who has spent the last eight years aiming at the White House and hoping to have a shot at the presidency. She recently campaigned for the introduction of emergency legislation designed to protect the inalienable rights of all American citizens to fire weapons at will within the country’s high schools and shopping malls.

billionaireIt now seems almost certain that the colourful self-made billionaire (and current pastor of the Tabernacle Church of the Latterday Morons) will be the USA’s next Treasury Secretary.
This is despite some Trump insiders suggesting that Greenback might just possibly face competition from the popular Speaker of the House, Charles “Chuck” Autocue.

Hillary blasts the integrity of President Trump
GREAT WHITE GROPE: Hillary pictured playing spot the difference

DEFEATED presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has lashed out at “certain people” whose presence in the White House “might demean the office of President of the USA”.

Without naming anyone in particular, she has asked the people of America to question why they voted a known philanderer into power. “What’s done is done,” she said. “But have we really not learned our lesson?

“Why did you put another man in the White House who will have to constantly protest that ‘the allegations are false’, and that he ‘never told anybody to lie’ and that ‘there are no excuses for what [he] did’ and, worst of all – that he ‘did not have sexual relations with that woman’?”

(Continued on page 69 with exclusive pictures of Monica interning with Bill all night long)

Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery


The fleshy muscular organ in the mouth used for tasting, licking, swallowing, and (in humans) articulating speech.

1. Forked tongue: To speak deceitfully or lie. I will appoint a special prosecutor to investigate Hilary Clinton.
2. Tongue-in-cheek: Intended it to be understood as a joke, although you might seem serious: He said he was a huge fan of the president-elect, although I suspect it was tongue in cheek.
3. Tongued: To touch or lick someone with the tongue. Trump forced his tongue down my throat.
4. To Speak in Tongues: Often incomprehensible utterings during moments of religious ecstasy or at political rallies. Lokerup, lokerup, lokerup.

Enda to Trump: Give us a shout if you need a hand

By Lee Karse

IN HIS latest effort to brown-nose the American President-elect, Taoiseach Enda Kenny says he is “willing and available” to help the billionaire businessman move into the White House during his upcoming visit to the US.

“Moving house is a stressful experience and I’d be only delighted to carry boxes and stuff into the house from the car,” said Mr Kenny last night as he watered his shamrock plot.

“If Donald wants to use the boot of my car to transport his gear there’ll be no problem,” he added. “He’s a lovely, lovely man and I’m sure he’d do the same for me, but I’m not planning to do any moving for a long time yet.”

GOTCHA! Oirish ferry denied access to UK Port

By our special correspondent Gail Force-Wynde

A FERRY sailing from Shane-Rosslare to Fishgarda was denied entry to the English port this week and remained stranded on the Oirish sea overnight.

The ferry attempted to access the port of Teacuppe but discovered there was a storm there also.

Irish passengers on board were refused entry to Britain after arriving inebriated. Port authority spokesman Sir Nigel Barrage B.I.G.O.T. said: “The Irish were barred because of their addiction to alcohol, which is an entirely Irish problem not something we wish to introduce into our moral culture.”

A spokeswoman for the ferry company, Bea Calmed, denied Mr Barrage’s claims on RTÉ’s Morning Ireland. “It’s nonsense, really,” she said. “The passengers weren’t drunk at all. Although I’m told they are looking forward to a big fry-up and a pint of Solpadeine after their 24 hours on the high seas.”

Team wins match shock!

A TEAM won a rugby match in Dublin at the weekend. The other team, which might have been expected to win, lost.

No trophy was awarded to the winning team. The losing team suffered no demotion as a result of the match.

Lots of players were injured in this game. Even more people got drunk as they celebrated the end of the game. This included suppoorters of the losing team.

There were also a number of other games of held in London, Rome, Cardiff and Glasgow. Some teams won. Other teams were beaten. Lots more people got drunk.

Full reports and analysis on all these games can be read on pages 1-15.

Mitchell-O’Connor to stay on as a woman
IN NEED OF A STEER: Mary Mitchell-O’Connor says she can’t for the life of her figure out why she’s become such a figure of ridicule

EMBATTLED jobs minister Mary Mitchell-O’Connor says she “fully intends to remain on as a woman” regardless of the consequences to her career.

The Galway politician has endured savage criticism from several extremely brave and anonymous party colleagues since assuming her ministerial role, but some observers say much of the flak she has received is down to her gender.

“Politicians who are dynamic, bright and successful like me and Mary get a difficult time for being female,” says Senator Michelle Mulherin. “It’s not just in politics – the GAA are just as bad. I raised totally legitimate, not-at-all ridiculous concerns about the treatment of senators as second class citizens by the GAA and I was made a laughing stock!”

Minister Mitchell-O’Connor has declined to comment on the gender discrimination allegation but says she is “definitely staying female.” The minister adds that her record in office stands up to scrutiny. “I’ve been to loads of late dinners that created overtime and extra waiting staff,” she insists.

Minister defends wily Zappone
FLIP FLOP: Zappone pictured at a recent pro-choice rally, fooling no one with the jumper

by Our Political Staff  – Henry Magoo

THE MINISTER for Children and Youth Affairs has strongly defended the Government’s decision to postpone any referendum on the 8th Amendment until 2018 at the earliest.

Holding a small onion close to her eyes and fighting back the tears, the minister said: “Ms Zappone’s reputation is completely vindicated and she can now return to her Cabinet seat alongside the Taoiseach with her head held low.

“At long last, we now have a definite timeline for changing the oppressive laws on abortion. That represents real progress for the countless women of Ireland who have placed their trust in the current government – and this tremendous achievement is directly the result of the tireless effort of Katherine Zappone.”

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Brendan O’Connor

Brendan O’Connor

“I wept at the cruel injustice of those words, like poisoned arrows, aimed at sweet Mr O’Brien and kindly RTÉ. No more generous, more humble people ever walked this cursed earth! (Note to sub: I can do 100 more words on this guff if you need it).”– Brendan O’Connor

Michael O’Leary

Michael O’Leary

“This is the kind of mean-spirited, loony pinko-left anti-business, Irish begrudgery that has led to rocketing landing charges, people demanding free wheelchairs and more money for horse oats!” – Michael O’Leary

“Our client, Mr O’Brien, has instructed us to inform you that any further discourse by you on this issue will result in immediate action to protect his good name and… (contd. same as last time and time before).” – Avew, Fleeced & Runed, Solicitors Ltd, Dublin & Cayman Isles.

Medical Matters

This week Dr Lynn Boylan (S.F.M.E.P.) gives the lowdown on the debilitating condition of spinelessness

As a doctor, people often say to me: “Why is there so little backbone in Irish politics and journalism anymore and what can we do to restore it?”

What happens is, the more the unfortunate cowa… er, victim bends over backwards, bows down or even cowers into a ball, as the pressure renders the backbone – or Afraidodenis as we in the medical profession laughingly call it – a useless heap of jelly that offers no resistance and can’t even hold one’s head up.

The sufferer very soon becomes totally spineless and reduced to a quivering, grovelling wretch unable to walk tall and pathetically trying to assert some kind of posture while scrambling from one low crouched stance to the next.

I firmly recommend standing up at all times to improve the balance.

And if that fails, get a job in Independent News and Media.

  1. Part of house Seanie has still never seen
  2. €200m down back of sofa
  3. White elephant
  4. Tasteful, understated gold statue of Seanie and Gayle
  5. Catflap (for bankruptcy officials)
  6. Lonely Planet guide to US
Blueshirt anger over Pope’s visit
‘SELFISH BASTARD’: Disgruntled FG leadership contenders lashed out at Il Papa declaring him a ‘total bo**ocks’

By Con Sealit

ANGRY Fine Gael leadership contenders have accused the organisers of the 2018 World Meeting of Families of “undermining Irish democracy” and “prolonging everyone’s agony” by announcing Pope Francis may attend the event.

“They must have known that Enda Kenny would hear about the invite and decided to hang round as Taoiseach for it,” fumed one backbencher.

“Talk about reckless and irresponsible! And what if he wangles a return invite?!”

Meanwhile, many party members are pleading with national organisations not to announce any major events for the foreseeable future.

“It’s best for everyone if we all just keep things to ourselves and avoid any excitement for a while,” whispered a pro-Coveney lackey. “If he sees there’s not much happening maybe he’ll get bored and go away.”



America ‘betrayed Irish cows’, says Healy-Rae
HEALY-RAE’S BEEF: Danny says many cows have turned to the drink since being forced out of work by anti-climate change measures

IRELAND’S leading climate change expert Danny Healy-Rae TD has accused America’s military of “deliberately setting up Irish cattle” to take the blame for holes in the ozone layer.

“De Yanks went off to de Pacific teshtin’ nuclear bombs an’ udder incendiary devices, knowin’ full well dat de finger wud be pointed at de cows and bullocks in Ireland for any damage caused!” claimed the Kerry representative.

“Den wen dey blew a hole in the sky twas de Irish farmers got most of de blame, along wit wimmin using hair sprays before goin’ dancin’ or to Mass. Tis outrageous altogedder!”

In a chilling warning, Deputy Healy-Rae added that “North Korea was up to de same trick now to try to wipe out dairy farming in south Kirry and take over de market. Dey musht be stopped.”


Job for life Job for life… apparently
Prays for our salvation Preys on our taxation
Canonises Antagonises
Preaches the creed Preaches to Michael Creed
Visits Castel Gandolfo Visits Castlebar
Says Christ will come again Christ, here he comes again!
God’s helper God help us


Please note that due to a combination of factors –the minority government, school closures and garda strikes – clocks this year are going back to about 1982 or what’s known as “GUBU time”.

Enda’s Story The newsletter of St Enda’s Special School

A Message from the Principal

Enda Kenny

Enda Kenny

Well, thank goodness Halloween is over for another year. I don’t mind little scamps knocking on my door at all hours and demanding goodies, or else, in the name of fun. But is it my imagination or did they seem to be a little more menacing than usual this year?

First we had a group dressed up as bus drivers and being genuinely offensive, so that I was only too happy to give them whatever they wanted to go away. Then it was a gang of self-styled “gardaí”, warning they’d turn a blind eye to burglars if we didn’t full their buckets now. After that, it was teachers – the scary secondary-school kind – threatening general anarchy.

It got to the stage where I was afraid to answer the doorbell in case of who’d come next. Luckily, I always keep a bucket of sand in the house in case of fires. So I was able to stick my head in it for a while, chanting the phrase “Lansdowne Road Agreement” over and over, until things calmed down.

Then there was the terrible nightmare I had after falling asleep while watching Friday the Thirteenth Part 10 on Netflix. I dreamt I had hired a new female teacher called Mary Mitchell O’Connor, purely on the grounds that it would make me look more like a feminist.

But then she started doing mad things such as driving her car into the school swimming pool and in general appearing hopelessly incompetent. Soon I could hear people whispering about her in the corridors everywhere. Then the whispering got louder and louder until finally I realised with horror that the voices were actually whispering about me!

The weirdest part of the dream is at one point I remember thinking: this is just a dream – don’t worry. And moments later, sure enough, I woke up. But then – aargh! – I realised that I really had given Mary Mitchell O’Connor a job. What the hell was I thinking?

Oh well. Some people are slower to deliver on their promise than others. Just look at me. Hard as it is to believe these days, I used to be dismissed as something of a lightweight. The image persisted for the first 41 years of my career. But as Bob Monkhouse said about the people who once laughed at his ambition to become a comedian: “They’re not laughing now!”

I’m confident Ms Mitchell O’Connor will find her feet eventually (hint: start at your knees, Mary, and work downwards). In the meantime, I have taken the decision to ban whispering in the school corridors, with immediate effect.

Pornography – why we need a special debate

The principal has called for a school-wide conversation about pornography to discuss how the ubiquity of such material on the internet is affecting young minds and what we can do about it.
This is not just a reaction to the recent downloading of “Debbie Does Dallas” on his iPad after he had left it in the sixth years’ classroom by mistake – although the investigation into that incident continues.

No, Mr Kenny is genuinely concerned about the long-term damage that pornography may do to young people’s ability to form relationships, as well as the short-term damage to their education caused by the periods they spend locked in the toilet cubicles with their iPhones.

Also, a school-wide conversation about pornography might help to distract from the school-wide conversation on abortion that he began earlier this year and that he has since delegated to a students’ assembly which is due to report on the issue in 2017 – unless everybody forgets about it in the meantime, which would be the ideal outcome.

Film & TV – Guest critic Simon Coveney writes:

simon coveneyIt was indeed apt that the horror documentary “Enda – Last Man Standing” should be shown at Halloween.  The school’s zombie-like future, if it’s allowed to limp on indefinitely under the current lame-duck leadership, was made ghoulishly clear.

But the prospect of Vrad the Impaler, lurking in the shadows, ready to take over, was even worse.

It was very clear that what St Enda’s really needs is (review continued or page 94, or in editor’s waste-paper basket, whichever is nearest).

Principal stars in TV documentary!

Teachers and students of St Enda’s have long known that Mr Kenny is a star, but now it’s finally official, thanks to an award-winning – or so we predict! – documentary, shown on the local television station earlier this week.

In case you missed it, we highly recommend a viewing. And luckily, Mr Kenny tells us he has arranged one in the assembly hall this Friday afternoon, at which attendance is compulsory, even for teachers currently on sick leave.

We understand that the principal had only only small quibble with the programme makers: their references to this being the “twilight” of his career. The confusion here may have arisen due to the recent changing of the clocks which ushered in the dark evenings.

But Mr Kenny assures us that the CST (Country-Saving Time) he initiated in 2011 will continue for the foreseeable future. There are no plans to move to LST (Leo or Simon Time) under the school’s current management. In the meantime, see our reviewer’s verdict on the documentary (above).

Ms Foster’s Allegations: a statement

The principal respects the decision of Ms Foster, who teaches Ulster Scots and Ancient History at our neighbouring Teresian College, not to attend his forum on the implications of her employers’ exit from the European Schools network.

He also welcomes Miss Foster’s agreement that there should be no return of a hard boundary between our campuses, aimed at preventing “Johnny Foreigner” from entering Teresian property via St Enda’s.

But he rejects categorically her suggestion that he has been exploiting her current difficulties by, for example, working to undermine public confidence in her rather run-down classroom, with its emphasis on hopelessly outdated subjects from which our more dynamic, outward-looking school has long moved on.

As the part of Teresian nearest St Enda’s, Miss Foster’s class is a source of genuine interest and concern to us. After all, if it collapses on our side of the fence, there could be insurance implications.

In the meantime, those of our students who have been sneaking in there to avail of Ms Foster’s cut-price vending machine, we would draw your attention to the perilously decrepit state of the building, which could fall at any moment.

Agony Rant – With Sir Bob Geldof
Bob Geldof

This week, Goldhawk’s newest columnist speaks out about Brexit

Is it any wonder that iconic rock artists, such as myself, are registering their total fokkin’ disillusionment with the whole shambolic post-Brexit fall-out by challenging this imminent dystopian vista and getting out of England before the bastards start putting up taxes. I mean, fok it! The despicable hard Brexit strategy has been essentially spearheaded by a lot of foul-mouthed self-publicist bullies, ipso facto Boris Johnson and Nigel Farage – both guilty of heinous acts of slobbering sexist xenophobia designed to instil hysteria and drive out the country’s brightest and best, ie myself.

Which is something the entire British voting establishment should be fokkin’ ashamed of – particularly Prime Minister Theresa May who is currently in the clutches of a dangerous ultra-lurch to the extreme right that is fokkin’ mind-boggling in its draconian self-destructiveness. At least Ireland has managed to maintain its basic solidarity with mainland Europe where millions of stranded refugees are fundamentally starving as a direct result of hard borders.

Jaysus, these white Christmas Brit imperialist voters are just so thick! Fortunately, in my dual capacity as multi-millionaire rock legend and global philanthropist, I can instantly access mass media outlets to fokkin’ oppose this unspeakable outrage by these reactionary Brexit forces that can be traced back at least 40 fokkin’ years – to just around the time the Rats last had a hit record.

Gardaí to teach kids a lesson
BUSTED: Children are already learning their rights off by heart and practising the lyrics to NWA’s ‘F**k the Police’

by Anna Stethic and Cal Pol

IN AN innovative development in the industrial disputes affecting teachers and the gardaí, both the Association of Garda Sergeants and Inspectors (AGSI) and Association of Secondary Teachers in Ireland (ASTI) have agreed that gardaí and teachers will do each other’s jobs during strike days. This means they will be able to withdraw their labour – but not lose their pay!

The gardaí (to be known as Geachers) will supervise secondary school classes, set up corridor-blocks to check for alcohol and drugs abuse and generally “teach the kids a lesson they will never forget”, according to senior crime and security correspondents. “They’ll bate the shite of them. It’ll be just like the old days,” said the principal of one Christian Brother school. Every day will be non-uniform day. They will also be entitled to three months holidays.”

For their part, teachers (to be known as Tardaí) will patrol the streets, lecture people who they find breaking the law and cancel their friends parking tickets. They will also be permitted to work as bouncers in nightclubs and to marry nurses.


Private schools – success stories

TOFF LUCK: Belvo boy and Fianna Fáil TD Jack Chambers avoiding eye contact with northsiders

WHAT IS it about our elite colleges that gives such a distinct advantage in Irish life? Whether it’s high-flying businessmen (Michael O’Leary), politicians (Simon Coveney) or wooden statues (Ryan Tubridy), what is it about their really, quite unbelievably expensive and privileged upbringing that could possibly have made them so successful?

Mike Madeup, principal of one of the country’s most prestigious private schools, Rockwood College, (Motto: Quis Paget Entrat – Who pays gets in) thinks he has the answer. “All our boys are afforded the opportunity to succeed here,” says Mr Madeup, “by making good use of their individual talents – as well as all the inherited wealth that privileged people have.

“There is absolutely nothing wrong with selection on ability – providing it is the ability to pay enormous fees,” he continued. “Indeed, we pride ourselves on the very high intake of money and only the highest standards of payments are admitted.”

Those successful old boys…

Johnny Ronan – High-flying former Castleknock old boy (aka The Buccaneer) became one of Ireland’s leading developer. Although he came up with the groundbreaking strategy of making unlimited money, he is best known for his exotic trips to Morocco with gorgeous Rosanna Davison.

Jawn Brutal – Low-flying highflyer whose bland facial expression and raffish grey suits conceal a privileged political colossus. His list of towering strengths include time-serving stints as Taoiseach and EU ambassador as well as sucking up to the Brits when possible.

Benny O’Connor – Low-crawling multi-talented genius whose towering strengths have yet to be seen. Meanwhile, he continues to revolutionise Irish news media by filling pages of his desperate glossy rag with long-winded copy-and-paste Wikipedia profiles of boring old boys.

(That’s enough successful old bores – Ed.)

Reputation for being a fanatical self-publicist Reputation for being a fanatical self-publicist
Very fond of shooting from the lip Very fond of shooting
Likes to talk Likes to talk dirty
Has recorded an astonishing number of awful songs Has recorded an astonishing high percentage of the vote
Ridiculous Ridiculous hair

GOD HAS issued a statement wishing Katie Taylor all the best as she embarks on a career in professional boxing. The Bray fighter had previously credited the Big Man for all her wins and blamed Him for recent losses but there is no bad blood, according to G.

“It was fantastic PR at the start when I took the kudos for her knocking the shit out of those girls,” said God in a statement released by Terry Prone.

“But more recently I feel I’ve been taking the flak unfairly when things have gone wrong. I wish Katie and Eddie Hearn’s Matchroom team all the best on the journey to Madison Square Garden. There’s no hard feelings, I’m more relieved than anything.”


Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery

An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy.

This week: ‘May’

1. (used to express contingency, etc.):
I may be wrong, but I think it would be best for Britain to exit the EU. (TM)

2. (used to express opportunity or permission):
You may leave ze EU – and ze sooner ze better! (AM)

3. (used to express possibility):
Hmmm, we may change our minds, later. (TM)

4. (used to express wish or prayer):
Not allowed! And may zat little country of yours go bankrupt! (AM)


LOOKING PENCE-IVE: VP hopeful Mike Pence who emerged from the crashed campaign physically unscathed but politically dead in the water

REPUBLICAN vice-presidential candidate Mike Pence has emerged unscathed after Donald Trump’s campaign crashed into the grass beside New York’s La Guardia airport.

The campaign bandwagon, which had 30 people – the remaining number of Trump supporters – onboard, had been delayed taking off from Fort Dodgy, Iowa because severe turbulence (ie. new poll results) had been expected en route.

Although no one was hurt in the incident, Trump immediately slammed the runway, claiming it was part of a “vast conspiracy to rig the election”.


McGregor to talk more bol**cks!
Conor McGregor’
FIGHTIN’ WORDS: McGregor dressed up for Halloween as a trade union activist from the 1980s

CONOR MCGREGOR has refused to rule out talking a load of bullshit in the build-up to his fight against Eddie Alvarez in New York on November 12.

The Dublin mixed martial artist, who was beaten by Nate Diaz last March before winning the rematch, said: “Did I talk too much before the first Diaz fight? Maybe. Did I learn any lessons? Who knows! Am I prepared to say anything to you gullible morons to sell more PPVs? Ya’re fuggin’ right I am! Anyways, fight’s off, I’m retirin’, or am I?”

Meanwhile, the warring factions in the Kinahan-Hutch feud have agreed to a ceasefire until the fight is over so that both sides can enjoy the show without looking over their shoulders.


Newsroom panic as garda strike looms

By Our Crime Correspondent, I.M.D Law

NEWSROOMS across the nation were in panic mode last night as editors struggled to make contingency plans in advance of Ireland’s unprecedented garda strike.

“I’m at my wit’s end!” claimed one veteran news boss. “We have always been able to rely on the work of the gardaí to fill our pages with crime stories and other lurid accounts. But this strike action will leave us seriously compromised.

“Who now will plant evidence on unfortunate criminals, intimidate whistle blowers and leak us stories on an industrial scale?

“Who will quash penalty points? I can’t believe the gardaí would break the law by going on strike!”

One high-flying crime hack was reduced to tears at the thought of having to rely on the garda press office for stories.

“Who am I going to bribe with these tickets for the next Ireland match now?” he sobbed.

Sugar Tax is a bitter pill

ANONYMINISTER: No seriously, who is this man?

THE Government’s plans to introduce a sugar tax have come under fire from the lunatic fringe (surely “from concerned corporates”? – Ed). “Sugar is a basic human right,” said a man in a pinstripe suit, winding down the window of his top-of-the-range merc.

“The plan to install sugar meters at the entrance to every household is in very poor taste,” he added.

“It will leave a sour taste in the mouth – and a gaping cavity in our profits.”

But Michael Creed (who he? – Ed), the Minister charged with responsibility for introducing the measure and self-styled sugar-daddy, has promised to give five euro to every household “as a sweetener”.

“It’s a Splenda idea,” he added, “and we will continue with this policy until we have sugar beat!”


THE NEW lobby group promoting greater representation of women in Irish theatre has been allocated €20,000 in Arts Council funding. “This is a major breakthrough in gender equality,” said an ecstatic Kate Tool, spokesperson for Waking the Feminists. “It will allow our young playwrights to update old-fashioned Irish dramas and make them much more exciting and relevant for contemporary audiences.


  • The Playperson of the Western World (Synge)
  • Many Young People of Twenty (Keane)
  • An Ideal Marriage Partner (Wilde)
  • The Quare Person (Behan)
  • Death of a Sales Assistant (Miller)
  • Da and Ma (Leonard)

(That’s enough luvvie nonsense – Ed.)


IN HIS latest contemplation on Ireland’s post-Brexit border controls, Taoiseach Enda Kenny has appealed to Irish people to “learn to talk more slowly” in the run up to the Tories triggering Article 50.

Speaking over a warm ale and packet of pork scratchings in his favourite boozer, the Slug and Theresa, last night, Mr Kenny said: “It’s important our new customs blokes understand what Irish geezers are saying when re-entering the country. Otherwise we could end up in a right palaver, innit?”

The Fine Gael leader also dismissed suggestions that Irish ports effectively becoming British border points, was ceding sovereignty.

“That’s ridiculous. Mrs Merkel has no problem with it at all, mate!” he assured.


Creepy clowns craze confusion

GOING FOR THE JUGGLER: Prominent clown Mary Mitchell O’Connor

AS REPORTS of menacing clowns continue, fears have been expressed that the trend is set to hit Ireland over the coming months. “There have already been numerous clown sightings in and around Dublin’s Kildare Street this week,” said a concerned garda spokesman last night, “and we are appealing to the public not to approach these dangerous individuals.”

The current clown panic began in America earlier this summer with terrified locals reporting people dressed in fright wigs and garish orange make-up trying to lure unsuspecting voters at Donald Trump election rallies. Since then, the phenomenon has spread to London and other European cities.

In response to growing fears, two Irish-based serial jokers have defended creepy clown behaviour, maintaining that the pranksters are just trying to entertain people.

One up-and-coming street entertainer, Paschal ‘Dimples’ Donohoe was equally annoyed: “Everyone knows that we would try any trick in the book to get attention,” he added. “And anyway, what’s the harm in bringing in a Budget that wipes the smiles off people’s faces?”