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POOR PERFORMERS MAR SLANE

★★ Leo Zeppelin:
Backed by his new choir boys, the Dubliner blew his own trumpet incessantly for an entire weekend, as he repeatedly tore the arse out of his entire repertoire. Failed dismally to hit the high notes however with predictable and unimaginative renditions of Return (Water Charges) to Sender and Simple Simon Says. “Different words, but same ol’ tiresome tunes!” said one disillusioned young observer.

★★★★ Lynyrd Simon:
The Cork crooner took to the stage with scarcely any backing and then failed to get the crowd behind him too with some painful wailing. Desperately trying to drum up enthusiasm while everyone was looking elsewhere, refrains like Stand by Me, I Have a Dream and Born to Run Second fell on deaf ears. “Completely out of tune with the rest of the country”, shrugged a sleepy listener. “Although his version of Vlad’ll be the Day could have a future.”

Judge Dread Alymer:
Will be forever remembered for the sour note he delivered with It’s All Over Now and…(That’s enough crowing for now _Ed).


Fitpatrick walks free taxpayer to foot €3m court bill

by Our Financial Staff Eve Asion

pg 4 – “Something needs to be done urgently” – Taoiseach

pg 5 – Government order review of ODCE

pg 7 – “This kind of thing can never happen again” – Everyone

pg 8 – No one taking blame for Anglo shambles

pg 9 – Pope Francis to remain Catholic

pg 10 – Bears continue to defecate in woods


Enda’s Story – The newsletter of St Enda’s Special School
Enda-School

A Farewell Message from the Principal

By the time you read this, I may have addressed my final assembly as your principal. I know it will have been an emotional occasion. There’s something about the sight of all those school uniforms that has always filled me with pride.
And I’m sure that as I gaze one last time on those famous Blueshirts – the trade-mark of our school since the 1930s – I will have been tempted, as were our founding fathers, to suspend democracy with immediate effect and declare myself principal for life.

But assuming I haven’t actually done that, it is now time for me to say goodbye here, as gracefully as I can, and to wish a new generation well as it goes about the hopeless task of trying to replace me.

So I want to thank the countless many of you who, since I broke the news of my departure as gently as I could, had sent messages of gratitude and regret. As for those of you who haven’t got around to it yet, I thank you in advance for the messages you will send when you realise, however belatedly, how great I was.

I don’t need to remind you of the challenges facing the school under whoever replaces me. At time of writing, it looks as if the competition is a one-horse race. Indeed, if it really were a horse-race, Mr Coveney’s mount would have been destroyed humanely by now, to prevent unnecessary suffering.

But I was interested to read that it was Mr Noonan, of all people, who talked him into carrying on last week, because our venerable maths teacher is himself a salutary lesson in these matters.
Not many people will remember it now, but many years ago Mr Noonan beat me to the top job in what was then – all-too-briefly – St Michael’s. Alas, we were really struggling for numbers at the time, thanks to the popularity of a rival school (now entirely forgotten) called St Bertie’s.

And after yet another disastrous recruitment campaign, Mr Noonan was forced to resign. It was only at the second time of asking that our school chose what everyone now realises was the right man. So chin up, Simon. Mr Varadkar’s early bird may have got the worm this time. But remember, sometimes, it’s the second mouse that gets the cheese.

No Plans to Move School to Right, says Leo

Mr Varadkar has denied suggestions that the school will move sharply to the right under his leadership, insisting he has no such intentions and attributing the rumours to “scare-mongering”.
Sources close to Mr Coveney quoted a local estate agent as confirming that Mr Varadkar had made advance inquiries about a plot adjacent to St Enda’s, just to right of where the campus now ends, with a possibility to “reorienting” the school in that direction.

Such a move would involve closing down the social welfare office, pensioners day care centre, and childrens’ playground that currently occupy the site.

But speaking to reporters while out shopping, Mr Varadkar said he not given any thought yet to the school’s future needs and added that the arrival at the scene overnight of several bulldozers had nothing to do with him.

Stormont Academy Towers to be Saved, Again

The landmark twin clock-towers of our neighbouring school Stormont Academy look likely to be saved yet again, after supporters rallied to prevent their demolition for another five years at least.

There had been fears that the iconic towers – nicknamed “the dreary steeples of Tyrone and Fermanagh” – would be levelled to make way for new state-of-the-art teaching facilities, which experts say are much needed at the decrepit school (est. 1690).

But after a last-minute appeal to base instincts, the structures appear set to be reprieved again, with a new preservation order until at least 2022 as soon as our neighbouring Teresian School appoints its new principal.

Among other things, the towers are famous for their competing Latin mottoes “Neque Deditionem – Calcitrare Papam (“No surrender – kick the Pope”) and Britanni Vade in Domum Tuam (“Brits go home”), as well as for their distinctive architecture, which has been described as “hideous”.

The first principal and deputy first principal are expected to celebrate the reprieve with a joint rededication ceremony, in which Miss Foster (in the Fermanagh tower) and Miss O’Neill (Tyrone) exchanging traditional insults via megaphone.

I’m Running for the People Who Get Up Late in the Morning – Coveney

In a last-ditch appeal for support in his doomed campaign to become principal, Mr Coveney has promised that, if appointed, he will change the school’s daily opening hours to “11am”.
Whereas, speaking to a classroom of half-asleep teenagers, he warned that if Mr Vardakar won the top job, students could expect to be in “before dawn” from now on.

“He said he’s running for the people who get up early,” said Mr Coveney, to a chorus of boos from the few audience members alert enough to hear him. “So let it be known that I’m running for the ones who get up late,” he added, thumping the table and waking several more of the class, who then cheered loudly.

Polls have shown that Mr Coveney is much more popular with students than Mr Varadkar, which is why he has focused on them during the last week of his campaign. Mr Varadkar’s support, by contrast, is dominated by those who actually have a vote.

Friends rally round unfortunate Limerick man
ROUGH RIDE: The Limerick man’s plight has inspired a sequel to the popular work of fiction Angela’s Ashes

FRIENDS and associates of a Limerick man who is “going through a rough patch” have appealed for “privacy and understanding” as they rally round to support him.

The man known locally as ‘JP’ or ‘Himself’ is understood to have given up all hope of ever recovering a large sum of money that was taken from him during an incident that occurred in America. “He was effectively mugged of over $5m”, said close friend Dermo Kaiser. “I understand the poor man lost nearly an hour’s sleep over it and has finally given up on it ever being recovered.

The victim is believed to have called off the search for the money after American authorities assured him he was wasting his time. “An experience like that would tax any man but he’s determined to resist it. Please pray for him to have a good Cheltenham next year”, pleaded Mr. Kaiser.

The Roger Moore I never knew
BONDING: Roger Moore pictured here while not meeting the author of this article

LIKE countless others, I was privileged to have never met Sir Roger Moore and therefore have been given a unique insight into what he wasn’t really like.

To his millions of dedicated film fans, of course, Roger was the ultimate womanizing Bond hero who took on the evil Soviet Union, international assassins and a psychopath with shiny metal teeth. In private, of course, he might have been a gentle and compassionate humanitarian, but we cannot be certain.

I will never forget the first time I didn’t meet him. It was at Dublin Airport on a cold March morning in 2012 when rumours spread that somebody famous in a cream safari suit had just flown in from Switzerland. But for a cruel twist of fate, I might possibly have met Roger at that precise moment – and on several other subsequent occasions.

Roger Bore was not just a legend, but also a complete stranger to me – and not a very close one at that. Only one thing is certain, however. I am definitely not going to miss the chance to get some unexpected publicity for myself out of his tragic passing.

Hotelier’s a Brit Confused

DONEGAL HOTELIER Brendan Rohan has praised the decision of Dublin City Council to fly the Palestinian flag over City Hall.

Mr Rohan caused controversy by displaying the British Union flag outside his premises and stating that King William of Orange should be considered a hero of Irish nationalism.

“Personally I am delighted an alternative flag is up there. My preference would be to take down the blasted tricolour altogether for Her Majesty’s Royal Standard to be displayed but no doubt some fuddy-duddy locals would object. There’s no pleasing some people.”

Papal Bull

Hey, amigos, Jorge here! Papal greets to the faithful flock. Beatific smiles and ultra-unassuming blessings from your supreme leader (two billion believers at the last count).

Such a busy week with high-powered visits by important celeb-style world leaders – and also Ireland’s Mr Higgins. What a little live wire and no mistake! Michael was delighted to grant me an audience. We clicked straightaway – mostly for the photographers – and exchanged gifts (his awful poems for my Papal Fidget Spinner). Infallibility means nothing to him and he hardly mentioned it twice as he is so humble.

Climate change and exotic yoga positions are his big interests these days. How he loves to talk about toxic emissions while posing for selfies and checking on social media for “thumbs up’ emojis. Over snacks (organic waffle with syrup, creeps suzettes), he said he looked forward to my visit to Ireland next August – and said that he would even take time out from his busy pre-election campaign just ahead of presidential election. He also gave me a small tinkling bell to remind me that we were both hippies at heart.

Meanwhile, Mr Trump was also in Rome. Even worse than Higgins and asking to “check out the local cute nuns”. Donny called the Vatican “a downmarket dump without even a penthouse view”. Said the Sistine Chapel was “too dull – not enough gold”) and dissed the dome (“way too small”). Then when I brought up the subject of international food aid, he suggested we tie it in to an $130bn arms deal. Such a loser. Not that I want to pontificate.

Adios! Franco


LIONS’ TOUR – WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW
  • WHAT IS IT? – A contrived team of mercenaries playing rugby
  • BUT WILL ANY IRISH PLAYERS BE INVOLVED? – Did you seen the Pro12 semis and final?
  • WHO ARE THEY PLAYING? – The AIG Blacks from New Zealand, rugby’s equivalent of the Dublin footballers
  • HOW IMPORTANT IS IT, ACCORDING TO SKY SPORTS? – More important than anything in the history of the world ever
  • WHY DO THEY DO IT? – For the money
  • CAN I AVOID IT? – Yes, have a lie in or go for a walk

GOLDHAWK’S GUIDE TO TEMPLEMORE