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Students launch ‘REPEAT’ initiative

EXAM students all over Ireland are demanding that they be automatically allowed to repeat examinations they have done badly in, using the original exam paper so they have a fair opportunity to achieve higher points.

Said one student: “My eighth subject was, loike, Jopanese.

“I will, loike, dafinitely need to repeat. I never even completed the paper. That has to be a breach of my, loike, constitutional rights.

“I had a few amendments to make but I, loike, ran out time. Had to abort. The heat in the exam room was woejus. No air-con. And the smell! Exam pressure is bad enough without having to deal with the issue of Fetid Feet Abnormality.”

Confederations Cup Coaches
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As part of our coverage of the 2017 Confederations Cup in Russia, Goldhawk profiles some of the managers at this year’s tournament.

Cameroon  – Shane de Rossi
This flamboyant right- winger terrorised opponents down the years with his relentless attacks. However, he has found the transition from player to manager very difficult and stands accused of leading a team of mercenaries.

 

 

 

 

Portugal – Leon Varadkar
The self described “special one” has found himself in the unfamiliar position of defending following a series of tricky openers. While hailed by the media as a breath of fresh air, many believe he is virtually identical in his tactics to the previous stale and unpopular gaffer.

 

 

 

Chile – Miguel Martinez
The usually cautious silver-tongued Martinez recently caused outrage when he questioned the competence of a newly appointed female referee. It’s believed he could be axed if his side doesn’t improve over the summer.

 

 

 

 

Russia – Theresa Mayski
Mayski’s outfit struggle against European opposition and a routine training exercise ended in disaster last month. The coach is desperately trying to negotiate a new contract and pacify player unrest but her reliance on second-rate prima donnas from Spartak DUP will probably hasten the manager’s exit.

TEMPLEMORE GARDA TRAINING – COLLEGE LEXICON

Fast Spin: Limousine trip on the motorway
Full Cycle: Everyone gets to go on holiday eventually before we start again
Hot ‘n’ Cold: Brazil first and then a weekend in Iceland
Tub: Large container of ice cream towards the end of the banquet
Powder: Gift for herself’s nose at Christmas
Tumble: When the jewels fall out of the box
Cold Fill: Lorry load of lager
Mixed Load: The girls joining us for the cruise
Softener: Bit of jewellery for the good lady when she’s moody
Wool: Thing we pull over people’s eyes.


MID-TOUR LIONS LEXICON
  • Whitewash – What New Zealand cross often. Also end of series result
  • Pride – What they’ll pretend they’re playing for after this Saturday’s defeat
  • Dirt-trackers – The team that doesn’t face two more thrashings by NZ
  • All Black – The team’s outlook on winning a Test
José Mourinho Favourites

Favourite song: Taxman, The Beatles
Favourite player: Tommy Coyne
Favourite signing: Quinton Fortune
Favourite midfielder: Matty Cash
Favourite genre: Cooking Books
Favourite character: Artful Dodger
Favourite analyst: Garth Crooks
Favourite musician: Muddy Waters
Favourite destination: Moneypoint

Dubs’ marching season kicks off
ROYALIST BLUE: These marchers have been described as triumphalist, supremacist and detached from reality

AS MARCHING season begins in earnest, the rest of the country’s GAA football teams have been told to be extra careful around Dublin.

The Boys in Blue are marching to another All-Ireland final determined to walk in a straight line the whole way there.

Teams like Carlow and Westmeath have already had to put up with Jim Gavin’s men strolling right through their territory. “These boys believe it’s their God-given right to walk the highways to Jones’s Road unobstructed,” said one GAA fellow who works in Croke Park.

“They can be quite dangerous and even linesmen must be careful not to award too many decisions against them.”


FF JUDICIAL BLUNDER

A RAFT of ‘eminent’ figures made fools of themselves in the furore over the government’s Judicial Appointments Commission Bill in the past week, chief among them being justice minister Charlie Flanagan. But Fianna Fáil’s justice spokesperson, Jim O’Callaghan, has inflicted serious damage on his own party, by diverting attention from the government as Fine Gael began to fight with Shane Ross’s Independent Alliance over the bill.
In political crises involving security and the law, O’Callaghan has shrunk from challenging authority and has reverted to legalistic arguments, firstly to defend Garda Commissioner Nóirín O’Sullivan and now the judiciary. He has successfully positioned his own party alongside Fine Gael’s discredited ex-justice minister Frances Fitzgerald in the garda scandals by refusing to demand the commissioner’s resignation and, when forced to do just that, by stating that FF still would not vote for it. Now O’Callaghan has pushed his party to the right of the supposedly reactionary Blueshirts with Law Library rhetoric about disrespecting judges, in particular Chief Justice Susan Denham.
Party leader Micheál Martin appears to be in thrall to O’Callaghan’s gravitas and plummy tones but not everyone in FF is pleased to see their party position itself on the same side as judges against the government, Sinn Féin and most left wing parties and TDs in the Dáil. Such law and order arguments may play well in parts of Jim’s Dublin Bay South constituency but most FF members and many frontbenchers are unimpressed.
Flanagan’s recent appointment as justice minister appears to have gone to his head as he delivered a gung-ho statement to party TDs and an even more provocative Irish Times article (he implicitly compared Ross to subversive elements). The article read like a swingeing attack on the rationale behind the new bill that the justice minister himself was introducing. A blustering Flanagan also made it known he would not be subject to demands from Ross; nobody said he would be. The minister said he wanted a “full debate, an open ended debate”; whoever demanded otherwise? And while he solicited speeches from his party TDs – as opposed to Ross – he added meekly that he was not saying he would take any amendments. Flanagan issued a contrite, ‘clarifying’ statement within 24 hours stating he was fully behind the bill while Varadkar’s office denied the Taoiseach had instructed him to do so.
Chief Justice Susan Denham did not cover herself in glory either. A week ago she lectured politicians about the separation of powers between politicians and judges during the Máire Whelan controversy. Five days later, without blushing, Denham appended her name to a statement from the presidents of the five courts divisions criticising the judicial appointments bill. It may be that such as High Court president Peter Kelly applied irresistible pressure on Denham; whatever, she looked foolish.
Most startling was the public intervention this week of former Supreme Court judge Catherine McGuinness who was very cross indeed with Ross and his critique of the system of judicial appointments. Catherine was elevated to a series of high profile positions by successive FF administrations, led by Charlie Haughey, then Albert Reynolds and, finally, Bertie Ahern whose government appointed her to the Supreme Court in 2000. Catherine does not believe there is a need for a judicial appointments bill.
Varadkar, Flanagan and Ross will push through the bill, Ross will claim a victory and they will make up until the next inter government spat. But O’Callaghan and Martin will face an angry parliamentary party and grassroots membership unless Jim changes tack on justice issues.

Brit Club May splash for Irish right-winger
RIGHT-BACK TO THE EIGHTIES: Fans of the troubled UK club have already mocked up this banner for next season in anticipation of the young Irishman’s arrival

TROUBLED top-flight English club – Conservative AFC – say they are prepared to splash the cash to secure the services of Irish ace, Leo “Young Vlad” Varadkar from Fine Gael Disunited.

Varadkar, a tricky right winger, is said to be interested in the move because he wants to play on a bigger stage with larger crowds. “The number of people who support me in Ireland is actually quite small,” he confessed, “and I am ambitious to earn some additional silverware – salary, expenses, pension, that kind of thing.”

If he goes, Young Vlad will be swapping the blue shirt of Fine Gael for the, er, even bluer shirt of “the Tories”.

Young Vlad has denied reports that he has been promised the captaincy of the team “with immediate effect” replacing temporary short-term captain May.

“That’s not true,” he said in an interview on London’s LGBT Radio (Are you sure this is right? – Ed). “I want to get to know the players first. I need to know that the players in my team are people I can trust. And of course, we will need to have a defensive line-up that is strong and, er, stable.”

Micheál Martin slams DUP

FIANNA FÁIL leader Micheál Martin has condemned the decision of the DUP to allow a weak unpopular government to remain in office.

The Cork South Central TD claimed there was a moral responsibility on the Democratic Unionist Party to do the decent thing and have another election.

“Their deeply cynical and opportunistic behaviour to keep the Tories in power while refusing a formal coalition arrangement is embarrassing. This coupled with their cringeworthy fealty to a smug, arrogant right-winger is despicable,” he added.

That Varadkar cabinet in full

Taoiseach and Minister for Narcissism: Leo Varadkar

Minister for Preening: Tom Neville

Minister for Natural Smugness: Paschal Donohoe

Minister for Imperial Affairs: Lord Ross

Minister for Shouting: Michael Ring

Minister for Oiliness: Regina Doherty

Minister for Gombeen Outreach: Michael Lowry

Minister for Exit: Simon Harris

Minister for Protestants: Heather Humphreys

Minister for Entitlement: Kate O’Connell

Minister for Systems Failure: Frances Fitzgerald

Minister for Disappointment: Alan Farrell

Minister for Unemployment: Mary Mitchell-O’Connor

Minister for Retirement: Charlie Flanagan

APOLOGY – JEREMY CORBYN

IN common with other newspapers, we may in recent times have given the impression that Jeremy Corbyn was leading Labour into oblivion. Headlines such as Corbyn Singlehandedly Destroying Labour and Corbyn Couldn’t Organise Piss-Up In Brewery may have added to this impression.

However, following Labour’s unexpectedly impressive showing in the election, we now realise Mr Corbyn has shown that his distinctive brand of left wing politics has offered a refreshing alternative to the Conservatives. This is reflected in our more recent headlines, including Corbyn – The Choice Of A New Generation, Red Alert: Corbyn On The Rise, and Labour Shakes It Up, Baby.

We would like to apologise for our error and promise not to repeat it until the next time the Tories win a by-election.

TIMELINE FOR PUBLIC SERVICE PAY DEAL

1 Jan 18 – Public sector ire to increase by 100%

1 Oct 18 – Outrage amongst newly recruited teachers to increase by 75%

1 Jan 19 – Cabinet ministers with phones off to increase by 50%

1 Sep 19 – Gardaí blowing fuse to increase by 60%

1 Jan 20 – 80% increase in strike threats


Theresa May uncovered

Leaked! Leaked! Leaked! – Revised Programme for Government

Following a change of leadership in the Fine Gael party, the following alterations have been made by the Independent Alliance to the partnership agreement:

  • Stepaside Garda Station to become a World Heritage Site
  • No references to Shane Ross’s opinions before 2016
  • More publicity for John Halligan
  • Pretend Fianna Fáil are relevant
  • Michael Harty to be love-bombed
  • Michael Lowry to be carpet-bombed
  • Insist an election would be catastrophic
  • All comparisons between Leo Varadkar and Theresa May to be banned
  • Beatification of Michael Noonan