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Enda’s Story – The newsletter of St Enda’s Special School

A message from the principal

enda_kennyAs you all know, I have repeatedly indicated my intention to step down as principal some time during the life of the current school enrolment: that is to say, before our present first years sit their Leaving Cert.

It is also a matter of record that I have no intention of resigning as principal unless or until hell freezes over first. I don’t think I can make my position any clearer than that, although some people seem determined to find my comments on the issue confusing.

But in the interests of even further clarity, I would now also like to outline my long-term intentions vis a vis the “day-job” – ie teaching.

Yes, given my extraordinary achievements at the helm of St Enda’s, it is easy to forget that I am still a humble teacher too. And until now, it was generally assumed that if and when I ever stood down as principal, I would also be retiring from classroom duty.

After all, as I have to remind people regularly, I am now 65. Yes, I know I don’t look a day over 50. Even my hairdresser can’t believe I still don’t use artificial colouring (although Mr Vardakar was pleading with me recently to “dye” for charity – at least, I think that’s the way he spelled it).

But I am now of what most people would consider pension age. Furthermore, I will soon have been teaching for as long as another famous hero of education, albeit a fictional one: “Mister Chips”.

And to be honest, until recently, I was looking forward to a well-earned retirement. Then, with the selflessness that marks me out from lesser men, I remembered that the decision was not all about me.

That the school, already by then having to cope with the uncertainty of having a new head, might be ill-prepared for the double blow of losing me as a teacher too. That having accumulated such a vast store of experience, it would be selfish of me just to walk away. Besides, I thought, what’s the hurry?

With my perennial youthfulness reserves of energy, there will still be plenty of time for doing all the things I plan to in retirement – climb Mount Everest, become an astronaut, manage Mayo to a three-in-a-row, etc – in my 70s and beyond.

Then there was the question of ensuring a suitable successor. I may not be able to choose the right candidate to follow me as principal (ie Simon, in about 10 years’ time). But I’m determined to ensure that when I finally quit teaching, the school will get somebody equally good in my place.

That’s a tall order, of course. And when I thought about it recently, I realised I couldn’t guarantee that the right person would be available. In fact, she made the point herself the other day. “Daddy,” she said, “I’m just not sure I’m ready yet.”

So for all these reasons, my new plan is to continue working indefinitely, for as long as I can make a contribution. I trust that when my time is finally up, whenever, I will be the first to know it. At that point, my intention is to be as graceful as possible while they drag me kicking and screaming out of the staff room.

CREEPY CLOWNS

creepy-clownFollowing complaints from some of our younger pupils, gardaí have arrested a man and a woman who were seen hanging around the school “dressed funny” and “looking weird”. Miss Fitzgerald, who is liaising with the investigating officers, reminds us that she can’t identify the suspects (apart from blurting out that they were “Mick Wallace” and “Clare Daly”). But we’re assured that gardaí are not looking for anyone else in relation to the incident. The children involved have been offered counselling.

Strike Arrangements

teacherBarring a late change of heart by the teaching unions, it now looks certain St Enda’s will face work stoppages in November.  We are now in the process of making arrangements to ensure the school remains open throughout the dispute. To this end, the school will shortly be recruiting suitably qualified parents to act as supervisors.

Luckily we should also be able to call on those many relatives of St Enda’s staff who are currently employed in secretarial or other support roles.  Management has previously expressed embarrassment at the levels of nepotism of the premises, and will again when the strike is over.  For now, however, it’s an important resource.  We expect the temporary transfers to be more than sufficient to keep the premises open throughout the dispute, and to compensate for any loss of income by the striking teachers.

Teresian School Border Patrols

theresa-may-funnyContrary to wild rumours that have been circulating, St Enda’s will not be mounting boundary controls on behalf of our stuck-up neighbouring school, Teresian College, aimed at preventing “undesirables” from entering their campus via ours.

It’s true that the idea was mooted in discussions with the Teresian head of security, Mr Brokenshire, who said that if we didn’t cooperate with enhanced border policing, he would have no choice but to mount an electrified fence topped with razor wire between the two schools. Happily, sense has now prevailed. And instead, the schools have agreed a more low-key approach based on intelligence sharing and the deployment of snipers.

St Enda’s students who have taken to sneaking over there to buy stuff at reduced prices in the Teresian tuck-shop – or “looting” as our tuck shop manager calls it – are warned that they do so at their own risk.

Agony Rant – With Mick O’Leary

This week, Goldhawk’s newest columnist flies into a rage about Budget 2016.

Is it any wonder the country is up in arms after being totally f**king shafted yet again, thanks to another bloody budget giveaway by freedom-hating government f**kers fully prepared to dole out f**king cash completely gratis to old people who have absolutely no need of it? These overpaid Leinster House bastards then turn around and fritter away good money on useless hospitals.

Of course, everyone knows it’s the usual North Korean public service bollox with RTÉ. I mean, why the f**k should RTÉ actually be allowed on the airwaves when their news bulletins are filled with left-wing propaganda from bloody pinko-in-chief Ingrid Miley every night? These trade union people pretend to be normal, sensible individuals, but in point of fact, they’re a f**king shower of pumped-up foul-mouthed bullies.

Between rat-infested socialists and EU competition watchdog f**kers, it’s political correctness gone demented. No wonder punters are snapping up the latest ‘Ryanair 1-for-the-price-of-2’ promotion — guaranteed to get them out of this inept dump and away from these bloody lycra Nazis on bicycles choking up city streets. F**king work-shy scum — they make me sick!


phoenix_rentagob

NOBEL PRIZE FOR LITERATURE: SHORTLIST 2017
  • Conor McGregor’s Instagram account — “I get fined more than these bums get paid”
  • Dan Carter’s TUE application — “My leg’s sore and we’re in the final”
  • Donald Trump’s debate notes — “We’re gonna kick ISIS’s butt, oh yeah, it’s true”
  • Sinead O’Connor’s note to Revenue — “IOU”
  • Pat Hickey’s note smuggled out of jail in Brazil —“It wasn’t me.”
Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery

This Week – ‘Centre Must Hold’

In the Dáil debate on the budget, both FG and FF politicians continually stressed that the “centre must hold” – an obvious play on one of the lines from a poem by WB Yeats.

Not many commented however on the fact that Yeats actually foretold the second coming of Endless Kenny in the second verse of that very same poem, a version of which is reprinted below as a service to Phoenix readers.

Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are
the words out
When a tiny image out of Castlebar
Troubles my sight: somewhere in the wilds
of County Mayo
A shape with a wily fox’s body and
the head of a man
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all around it
Reel shadows of the indignant Leo
and Simon.

IRELAND’S POST-BREXIT LEXICON

Down in the Louth: Acute feeling of depression caused by an inability to pop across to the neighbours at will.
Belfasting: Abstaining from food purchased in a neighbouring jurisdiction due to unfortunate circumstances.
Newryotic: State of high anxiety induced by fear of having to spend excessive amounts of money by shopping locally.
Omaghgod!: Common phrase uttered by someone encountering a border guard.
Portrushing: Making a dash for a free opening, access point, etc, before it closes.


phoenix_samsungad1

Mass confusion as O’Connor wins IFTA
GONG TO THE DOGS: Protesters gather at Montrose to tell RTÉ what they think of O’Connor’s Cutting Edge

By Pat Rabbitears – TV Critic

RTÉ viewers have questioned the authenticity of the Irish Film and Television Academy (IFTA) awards after broadcaster Brendan O’Connor’s Cutting Edge picked up the Best Entertainment gong at the 2016 ceremony.

Said one past TV licence holder in Wexford: “I’m not saying the show has no purpose, but surely it should have been nominated in the ‘Best Time to Go for a Walk’ category?

“Really, the Best Entertainment this year has been the ongoing saga of Martin O’Neill narrowly avoiding head-butting Tony O’Donoghue during post-match interviews. Now that’s entertainment!”


Gráinne Seoige – Diamond Queen

grainne-seoige

MAYO FANS: UP THE CURSE!
KNOCKED UP: Crafty Mayo fans have revealed that — not unlike ‘the Curse’ — they made up the apparition at Knock and got an airport out of it. Gift.

BEAMING Mayo fans have lauded ‘the Curse’ for giving them a great excuse for losing yet another All-Ireland final.
After two weeks of journalists suspending all disbelief and reporting on the curse as if it were actually a real thing, Mayo fans say their team has been let off the hook by the popular myth.
Sipping a victory pint, one Mayo fan told The Phoenix: “It’s great really. It’s not the team’s fault, or the selectors’, or the manager’s, or the fans’, or even Cillian O’Connor’s fault for missing the free kick. It’s ‘the Curse.’ Brilliant!”
“What really helped us was all the journalists who completely mixed up fiction and reality and reported on ‘the Curse’ for the as if it were an actual scientific phenomena,” he explained.
“They really sold it to the nation so, cheers for that, lads.”
And the relieved fan revealed: “May people been making this sh*t up for years. Like the apparition at Knock. I mean, how did anyone fall for that?”

PAUL WILLIAMS: TIMES READERS ARE SCUM!
TORTURE: Williams’ listener reacts to his latest outburst

NEWSTALK RANTER Paul Williams says people who read the Irish Times ‘How to be a man’ series are scum.
The series of articles are the latest topic to come into the Breakfast show host’s crosshairs.
“The readers and the people who write this guff are a serious threat to Irish society,” said Williams, going off on another one.
“Being a man is the same as it was when I was a kid, you don’t need people sharing their feelings about emotions. Real men just get on with it. These people are scum, worse than the Irish-language mob.

“We gotta man up to these low-life gurriers! Start by reading a proper man’s paper.”

NO TORTURE USED IN SEARCH FOR FITZY JURORS
HANKS A BUNCH: Lawyers have continued their search for desert island castaways to serve on the jury

THE Irish Court Services have reassured human rights organisations that “no brainwashing or memory wiping techniques” were used to appoint 15 jurors for the upcoming trial of former Anglo Irish Chairman Seán ‘Fitzy’ Fitzpatrick.
The move follows worldwide concern that unorthodox techniques might have been used to find people who did not hold strong opinions on the Irish banking crisis. “You might find a few nomads in sub-Saharan Africa who would feel unmoved by that momentous catastrophe”, said an Amnesty spokesman.
“But 15 in one small country is extraordinary!” A court spokesman replied: “It wasn’t that difficult really to find people who don’t watch Tonight With Vincent Browne.”

Water protesters to strike!
ENGAGEMENT: Fine Gael are sending a crack team of delegates to engage with the striking protesters

The various groups involved in the water protests in recent months have announced that they intend taking strike action next week, according to one of the organisers, Leo Trott.
“Ever since the water charges were postponed as a result of a secret deal hatched by crypto capitalists such as, er, Fine Gael and Fine Fail, aided by the state-run, right wing puppet media, there has been nothing for us to do.
“No meter installers to threaten, no fascist Gardai to taunt, no politicians to harrass outside the Dáil. Nothing. It’s totally and utterly and, er, utterly and totally sickening.”
“Workers, non-workers and peaceful anarchists have a right to take industrial action and to withdraw their, er, labour.”
“Furthermore…..

Contd page 94


Garda and nurses unions meet their match
BALLSY: The ballroom will play host to a joint meeting between the two unions to foster, er, cooperation between gardai and nurses

Gardai and nurses will revist old and happier times when they meet to discuss industrial action next week. The meeting will take place in the Ierne Ballroom, scene of many a romantic get together between individual Gardai and Nurses.
The Ballroom is being temporarily re-opened to facilitate the meeting and will mark a historic first when two large unions vote at the same time on the same issue.
A spokewoman for the nurses, Noirin AndHowAreWeToday, said they hoped that voting in a place that held such happy memories of when she first met her husband, Garda Patrick BlowIntoThisPlease, will create an atmosphere conducive to producing a result that will “frighten those….those bastards in the Dáil”.
A dance is planned for after the meeting. Off-duty Gardai will act as bouncers to ensure that nobody gate-crashes the event but, in the time-honoured tradition, nurses will be allowed to enter free of charge.

CITIZENS ASSEMBLY TO REPRESENT ALL KNOWN SECTIONS OF IRISH SOCIETY

8% Catholics
5% Irish Non-Catholics
7% Irish Lesbians
2% Under-25 practising Catholic
3% Non-Irish Catholic lesbians
8% Irish Black Anglican gay sexist
13% Non-Irish Catholic trans-gender hurlers
15% Left-handed gay Irish Asian-born fishermen
5% Convicted Irish homophobic atheists
11% Black-Polish overcharging heterosexual plumbers
9% Over-60’s agnostic reformed drug-pusher-turned-farmer
1% George Hook


BOXERS ARE A BET OF A JOKE

THE Olympic Council of Ireland have been severely reprimanded for failing to instruct the Irish boxing team how betting works.
The reprimand comes after boxer Steven Donnelly placed a bet on his opponent to win their bout but then went and won the fight, thus losing out on a nice payday.
“I’m raging,” said Donnelly. “Someone should have explained how the whole thing works. I’m out of pocket now. This would never have happened if Billy Walsh was still around.”


SINÉADS iPOD

ADAMS: SPY GUY LIED
TRUSTED SOURCES: Just some of the reliable characters that BBC Spotlight interviewed for their exposé

THIS YEAR’S annual ‘Gerry Adams murdered someone’ media bonanza has fizzled out.
The Sinn Féin leader laughed off the latest ‘exclusive sensations’ that he was involved in the murder of informer Denis Donaldson.
“I was worried that they had me there for a moment,” laughed Adams. “Anonymous accusations from a British spy – that’s a good one.”
Adams has been accused of involvement in murder every year since 1971 but has yet to be charged.

Enda: “Blah, Blah, all island discussion, Blah”
FOSTERING DEBATE: The Taoiseach suddenly remembering why he doesn’t invite Arlene to more events

by Our Political Staff Martin Wail 

TAOISEACH Enda Kenny has outlined his latest plans for an “all island conversation” to address the implications of the recent Brexit vote.
“The new forum will be open to all interested parties who will be directly affected by Britain’s decision to leave the EU,” said Mr Kenny. “Among other important matters, this conversation will also determine whether I can continue to set up expensive talking shops as a way of avoiding taking any action – or whether I should actually do something useful.”
The new institution is estimated to last at least ten years before publishing its preliminary report in 2028.
Meanwhile, the North’s First Minister Arlene Foster, whose DUP campaigned for a Leave vote, publicly dismissed the All-Ireland Conversation.
Speaking to reporters yesterday, the DUP Leader insisted that she would not be engaging with the new body: “There is only one contribution I want to make to this so-called conversation,” said Ms Foster. “Get lost, Kenny!”


Loyalist group: “BRING BACK MARY BERRY”
HALF-BAKED: Loyalist gunmen calling for Berry’s reinstatement couldn’t quite figure out where the camera was

THERE were demands by Loyalist paramilitaries yesterday that TV cookery legend Mary Berry should be immediately returned to BBC N. Ireland.
Speaking at a secret location in East Belfast, a UFO spokesman told reporters: “Mary is a national treasure who represents everything wholesome about being British – and that is why we are issuing this demand that she be re-instated”.
The hooded spokesman also disclosed that invitations had already been issued to Paul Hollywood and Mary Berry asking the celebrity presenters to take part in next July’s Great Ardoyne Stand-off.
“This would involve Paul and Mary armed with an assortment of kitchen utensils guarding side streets off the Crumlin Road,” he explained. “It would ensure that rampaging Taigs would be securely trapped in their homes while Orangemen march unhindered through Republican ghettoes and exercise their traditional right to recreational rioting”.

ON OTHER PAGES
l Pg2 – The Great British Baked Toff – Tories want to bring back Cameron
l Pg3 – Boris Johnson’s Half-Baked Foreign policies

Enda’s Story – The newsletter of St Enda’s Special School

A Message from the Principal

029px-humour-indd_page_1_image_0001Another year, another heartbreak for my beloved GAA county.  Oh well.  Like so many of my fellow Mayo men, I attended the All-Ireland final replay full of hope after our spirited performance in the drawn match.  But alas, it was not to be.  As usual, we can only learn the lessons from the experience and try again next year.
For me, the blindingly obvious lesson of the replay was the need for all teams to have a safe pair of hands in goal.  Sure, your current Number 1 might make the odd mistake, occasionally.  But think hard before dropping him.  Because you never know what his replacement will drop, under pressure, even if (like Mr Vardakar on his many TV appearances) he looks great in training.
Nor was it just the Dublin goal that illustrated the importance of having experience in such a crucial position.  Mayo’s kick-outs were a bit of a disaster area too. And although, here at St Enda’s, we may have no kick-outs pending, I don’t think I’m giving away any of Mr Noonan’s school-budget secrets by saying that we may have a few important hand-outs to deliver soon.
It’s important that these go to the right people.  But it’s even more important that Mr Martin doesn’t manage to claim the credit for them when they do.  That’s another reason why the school should stick with the tried and trusted Number 1, rather than take a risk on certain other people (like Mr Coveney) whose big-game temperament has not been tested.
Yes, I admit I may have made a few errors in our first match last February, when seeking re-election by the board of management.  There was that terrible moment, for example, when I thought I had spotted our midfielder, Big Mick Noonan, out in “fiscal space” near the left wing.  So I kicked the ball to him, only to see him clobbered from behind by Pearse Doherty, who seemed to come out of nowhere.  But I’ve learned from experience, and won’t make that mistake again.
And remember, like Mayo, we too may face a replay soon.  So now is not the time for making reckless changes in key positions. Unless you’re me, of course.  On which note, another thing the football replay showed was the importance of a good bench.  So I will be looking very hard at both our benches, the front and back one, over the coming months.  And if the front bench squeaks too much between now and the replay, I may consider swapping them.


SCHOOL BUS BACK IN ACTION

Congratulations are due to Mr Ross for finally getting the school bus back in service after all the disruptions in September.  Having himself collected it from the garage, he confirms that it is once again “firing on all cylinders” (unlike him, as we like to joke in the staff room!). And he still insists that his refusal to pressurise the mechanics into getting the job done earlier was justified, on the grounds that this would have been an invitation to them to “rip us off” when calculating the bill.
As it is, he says, the cost of fixing the gear-box and transmission system came to a mere “€30 million”.  This will now be covered by a series of administrative efficiencies, including some expansion of the bus’s use.  Children are advised that henceforth, if it passes their pick-up locations at speed, with a blue light flashing, and headed for the nearest hospital, they should make alternative transport arrangements.


Security Guards Strike Threat:

St Enda’s notes with concern the threat by our security company to take industrial action during November.  This comes at a time when many other front-line school staff are also seeking pay increases, including the gardener, janitor, toilet cleaner, tuck-shop assistant, and the man with the keys of the hall.
The school reaffirms its commitment to wage restraint and is examining ways to minimise the risk should the security staff strikes go ahead.  Our deputy principal, Miss Fitzgerald, is in talks with the local criminal community about the possibility of them reviving an old trade union practice of “sympathetic” strikes, whereby they would also refuse to work on the days in question.
In the meantime, Mr Kenny is taking special precautions to safeguard his office during a possible winter of discontent.  He told the newsletter: “If anybody thinks he or she can break in and take my job, they should think again.”


Changes to School Canteen Menu

A big thank you to celebrity chef Mary “Robbo” Robinson for her recent talk to the school on how we could all help save the planet by going vegetarian.  We are happy to announce that, as a result, our canteen has introduced two new meat-free options: Beans and Chips and Chips and Beans.  This will also result in cost-savings, which will go towards the bill for repairs to the school bus.
While visiting, Miss Robinson planted a tree to offset the carbon footprint of her annual 1.5 squillion air miles.  Next week’s guest speaker is celebrity breadmaker Michael D Higgins, who will share some of the half-baked recipes from his new book.  He will also plant a tree afterwards, to offset the planet-warming effects of his speech.


Bus Not Involved in Mitchell-Connor Incident

The principal wishes to make clear that, contrary to scurrilous rumours circulating on social media, neither he nor Mr Noonan threw Miss Mitchell O’Connor “under the bus” last week.
How this preposterous suggestion arose is unclear.  But it seems to have started when Mr Ross reported hearing a “dull thud” under one of his wheels while driving past a group including Messrs Kenny and Noonan and Miss Mitchell O’Connor in the school yard.
Since then it has been noticed that Miss Mitchell O’Connor is severely lame (even more so that usual, that is). So presumably people added two and two together and got six.
We can’t explain Mr Ross’s dull thud — unless it was his brain trying to work.  But as for Miss Mitchell O’Connor’s injury, that was entirely self-inflicted.  It appears she was doing archery with the transition year students, while also briefing local journalists by phone about what she thought might be in the school budget.  Distracted by this attempt at multi-tasking, she simply shot herself in the foot.

SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
HILARY CLINTON DONALD TRUMP
Rich, white and completely power-crazed Rich, white and completely crazed
Blonde ambition hounded by media Blond ambition hounded by media
Always has a lot on her mind Always has a lot on his head
Endorsed by former US Presidents Endorsed by President Putin
In robust physical and mental health Robustly mental

Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery

An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy

This week – ‘Trumpery’

1. foolish talk or actions
2. a useless or worthless article.

(OF trompery deceit < tromper to cheat). See also trump up: to invent (a charge accusation etc)