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POLITICAL ‘SUPER GONORRHOEA’ SPREADS
‘ORGIES OF SELF-CONGRATULATION’: One scientist said last week’s marathon media love-in with Varadkar and Trudeau preceded the latest epidemic

by Con Dumb

THERE is a serious risk of a totally untreatable form of political gonorrhoea causing havoc in Ireland, the World Health Organisation have told shocked reporters.

The Jobstown and Máire Whelan controversies are symptomatic of the infection, which causes deranged behaviour and foaming at the mouth.

“They are screwing the voters day and night,” a UN scientist commented. “There are daily orgies of self-congratulation and marathon media love-ins going on around Kildare Street and Merrion Square. That business last week with Trudeau being a great example.”

“There is unbelievable amounts of arse-licking going on in the Dáil as well. The lack of morality is blatant, with politicians routinely willing to hop into bed with each other at the first opportunity.”

The outlook is grim, with the condition so far proving impervious to all known forms of treatment.

“We tried injecting the latest drug into one TD,” said the scientist. “Unfortunately he was too thick-skinned and had a neck like a jockey’s bollocks.”


‘Spillane loafs Brolly outside Coppers’ – Sports

HOW BIN CHARGES ISSUE WILL PROCEED
  • Government ‘draws a line’ under the matter
  • Garda filmed handcuffing 98-year-old woman to a skip
  • Paul Murphy is sentenced to death
  • Vincent Browne postpones retirement
  • Bin charge scheme ‘suspended’ pending ‘review’
  • Labour Party issues a statement.

AMNESTY APPEAL – Victim of the Month

Her sad frown and wide-eyed expression speak volumes about her troubled life.

Joan (her real name) has faced the most horrendous dangers in recent times. In particular, the former Tánaiste has spoken courageously of her “absolute horror” after foul-mouthed protesters surged towards her at a public event in Tallaght in 2014.

Sitting quietly in the dark in the back of her ministerial car and considering her political legacy, Joan was suddenly confronted on all sides by screaming hordes of anti-water charge demonstrators, the fucking dregs, some brandishing expensive smart phones, if you don’t mind.

Joan’s name has been heartlessly dragged through the courts where she has suffered further humiliation. Her political reputation has been torn to shreds and she is unlikely ever to recover from this shocking experience. Now, more than ever, she needs all the support and sympathy she deserves.

A candle-lit vigil will be held in a fashionable West Dublin bistro on Friday, July 14. Invitation only.


THAT TRUMP-PUTIN HANDSHAKE

UPDATED UNIONIST MARCHING TUNES

*All Orange Lodge-ments please note

  • The Cash My Father Wore
  • Derry’s Hole-in-the-Walls
  • Rise Funds of William
  • The Ballad of Lyndsey Money
  • Orange Gathering (Dosh) Song
  • The Orange Money Tree
Medical Matters

This week Dr Meehole Martin warns against the dangers of opening one’s mouth without checking with getting the proper advice first.

AS A doctor I am very alarmed by recent reports of verbal diarrhoea, or Leosloosetongue as its medically known.

What seems to have happened is that some young upstart decided to start mouthing off distasteful rubbish about the noble gardaí without first acquiring an opinion from myself as to whether it was ok to do so. The predictable consequence was that the damn thing rapidly spread into every home in the country.

In no time every man, woman and garsún was exhibiting the familiar symptoms of head nodding and rapid hand movements known as ‘clapping’, while spewing out their own variations of the malady.

The only known cure for this awful affliction is a dose of a new miracle drug called GeneralElecshun, but it can only be called for when your consulting physician (ie me) decides the time is right.


Negligent Tweeting

A steamy new extract from the erotic works of Josepha Madigan TD

In a world where the naked flouting of decent behaviour is seemingly the norm, she thought she had seen everything. Certainly she was no prude. But this time Murphy had gone way, way too far.

Her eyes scanned the social media content. Footage of men and women massed together in an open air orgy of disdain for civil behaviour on that day. Murphy had roused them.

Now here he was on Twitter, unapologetic and again baring his naked opinions. How dare he present himself as this cock-of-the-walk, as if seeking her admiration while flaunting his
contempt for her legal sensitivities! Utter contempt.

She wanted to look away now and forever yet her eyes were drawn ever downwards until again alighting on the nub of his argument. Her pulse began to quicken as she read the words: “fully exposed”, “naked truth”, “Jobstown the climax” and even (she blushed deeply) “guards caught with trousers down”.

The size of his font didn’t matter. Denuded of hyperbole, the message was clear – Murphy was rubbing her nose in it. His supporters were joining in – each one hitting the “enter” button in a frenzy of rising passion. She felt trapped, or “Burtoned”.

There should be a law against this, she reasoned in a fleeting moment of clarity. I know just the buttons to press.


The 12th comes to number 10

TV3 shortlist for Browne’s successor

Jeff Hendrick 
The attacking midfielder has promised to drag viewers out of their comfort zones and put “touchy feely” politicians on trial.
Arlene Foster 
The bad-tempered diva has recommended DUP leader Arlene Foster become his successor. Foster has vowed to make panellists feel the heat.
Simon Coveney 
This political high-flyer is understood to have had a run-in with a pilot and producers said the minister struggled to remain grounded when his performance crashed and burned.
Joan Burton 
The former Tánaiste claimed there would be no mention of her Labour Party past and viewers can expect plenty of Solidarity. The Dublin West TD also said she wouldn’t conduct watery interviews.

ODE TO THE RETIREMENT OF VINCENT BROWNE
Vincent Browne

So farewell, Vincent Browne
My gran is distraught
She loved your every frown
But thought
That watching you “in search of truth”
While shaping for a fight
Was better with the sound on mute
Than listening to your shite


TV Listings

• Love Island: ITV2, 8pm – Reality dating series. Political show-boaters trapped on a desert island vie for the media’s attention, parading around in novelty socks, pretending to play hurling and jogging. Sickly sweet.

• Tonight with Vincent Browne: TV3, 10.30pm – Iconic news show. Matt Cooper (or possibly Mick Clifford or that other chap) present the final episode of Browne’s much-loved rant-fest.


 

Doctor in the House
Doctor Varadkar

It’s another busy day at Blueshirt General. Doctor Varadkar is doing his rounds, in the company of senior nurse Frances Fitzgerald.

Varadkar: (stopping by patient’s bed and picking up chart): What’s the story with this guy, matron?

Fitzgerald: An incident with a helicopter. Nothing serious: just a bit of whiplash and we think his nose is out of joint.

Vardakar: He looks familiar.

Simon Coveney (for it is he): You know perfectly well who I am, Leo. I’m the man who should be running this hospital instead of you.

Varadkar: Ah, it’s yourself, Simon – I didn’t recognise you with the red face. Yes, I read about your little helicopter mishap in the papers. Very embarrassing.

Coveney: Not as embarrassing as those pictures of you in your novelty socks.

Varadkar: Don’t drag my socks life into this, Simon – it’s not the first time you or your supporters have tried that. Now, show me your tonsils.

Coveney (opening his mouth, impatiently).

Varadkar (peering in): Hmmm. Were you by any chance born with a silver spoon in your mouth? That might explain your impatience with helicopter pilots reluctant to fly you wherever you want to go. (To Fitzgerald) Keep him under observation, matron.

Another ward, later.

Varadkar (to patient): Open wide and say “Ah!”

Patient: Aaah! And then I heard Paul Murphy TD ask somebody: “Will we keep them here for the night?”

Varadkar (to Fitzgerald): Extraordinary. That’s the third one in a row on this ward who’s said that. Have you seen they all raise their right hand while talking? Who the hell are they?

Fitzgerald: They’re all gardaí, apparently. But they claim never to have met before.

Varadkar: It must be some sort of auto-suggestion thing. I wonder is this what happens when people see moving statues?

Patient (raising right hand again): No, your honour. The statue couldn’t move, because it was a prisoner. I heard Paul Murphy saying: “Don’t let that statue out of the car.”

Varadkar (Shaking his head in puzzlement and moving on to the next bed): And who’s this?

Fitzgerald: It’s Nóirín O’Sullivan. You must remember her.

Varadkar: Yes of course. What’s she in for, this time?

Fitzgerald: She had an accident with her own sword.

Varadkar: You mean she fell on it?

Fitzgerald: No. She’s supposed to fall on it, but she keeps missing and hitting the floor instead.

Varadkar (checks watch while pressing index finger to O’Sullivan’s wrist): Wow! Her Pulse system readings are still unbelievable.

O’Sullivan: Don’t worry, doctor. I’ve ordered an internal review.

Varadkar: Speaking of which, open wide and say “Ah!”

O’Sullivan: Aaah! And then I saw Paul Murphy…

Varadkar: Ok, that’s enough. (To Fitzgerald). I’d be very concerned if the symptoms these patients report are not in line with the facts, or with video evidence.

Fitzgerald: Er, you can’t say that.

Varadkar: It’s all right. I’ve taken legal advice on the matter … (He sees an incoming text on his mobile). But you’ll have to excuse me matron – I have an emergency call-out.

Fitzgerald: An accident?

Varadkar: Even more urgent. My PA has found me another celebrity jogging companion. Luckily, I always bring my runners to work.

Pelican House, later. Transfusion staff are surprised by the arrival of Dr Varadkar and a glamorous stranger, both in running shorts.

Varadkar: This is my friend Justin. Where do we go?

Nurse (on verge of swooning): For what?

Vardakar: To donate.

Justin Trudeau: Leo tells me visiting VIPs in Ireland have to be photographed having a pint. But we’re new-generation leaders, so we thought we’d give a pint instead. (He
holds his arm out, smiling). I’m O Negative. (Nurse faints).

Later Dr Varadkar is on a hospital trolley.

Varadkar: (regaining consciousness): What happened?

Simon Harris: Nothing to worry about. You had a weak spell.

Fitzgerald: Plus you had a violent collision with a poll.

Varadkar: You mean a “pole”?

Fitzgerald: No, a poll – Red C. Your approval ratings were lower than you hoped.

Varadkar: I don’t understand.

Harris: That would be the concussion.

Varadkar (sitting up): No, I mean, in general. I’m young and exciting. I go running with celebrities. I’m the new face of Blueshirt General. Why am I not feeling a “bounce” yet.

Harris: Well, I’m only a doctor, not a psychologist. But maybe you’re trying too hard.

Varadkar (regaining his feet, unsteadily): I suppose I can seem a bit much sometimes.

Passing patient (noticing Varadkar struggling to stand up draws Fitzgerald’s attention): He’s off his trolley, nurse!

Fitzgerald (to the patient): Yes he is – I’ve thought the same thing for a long time.

Developer: ‘It wasn’t a vanity project!’
HAIR TODAY…: The developer has strenously denied the design of the building (pictured) had anything to do with his ego or famously inflated sense self-importance

by E Go

CHEERS of celebration erupted across Dublin last night as news spread that the city council had refused planning for a 22-storey skyscraper near the city’s historic core.

Meanwhile, the developer denies the proposed project – which was to be called Johnny’s Xanadu – was a vanity project.

One local said he was convinced the developer was trying to stamp his likeness on the Dublin skyline.“The idea of a big lump of glass trying to be noticed and unavoidable at the same time was very familiar”, grimaced a sceptical Dubliner.

“And of course there was that mess of grey-streaked black hair hanging like a tail on a zebra’s arse.”

The developer insists, however, the design had no connection to his ego.

“It’s not at all like me!” he protests. “For one thing it looks down on everyone and also you can see right through it. So I fail to see any comparison.”


Dunphy and Ross court controversy

WIMBLEDON has been thrown into chaos following the announcement that men’s doubles stars Shane Ross and Eamon Dunphy have split up.

The shocking news has devastated the tennis community which had hoped the pair would continue to play out their well-rehearsed routine throughout July.

The duo reached breaking point when Ross became obsessed with how officials on Centre Court were appointed.

ACE

Dunphy then claimed Ross was becoming over-reliant on backspins and kept committing double faults.

Ross retaliated by suggesting Dunphy was only interested in underhand tactics and they needed to take a mini-break.

Tennis legend Pat Cash believes the players are to blame for the conflict. “Dunphy and Ross are kicking up an awful racket these days and neither of them is ace.

“This partnership has never really worked because both men are naturally self-serving and struggle to share the limelight,” he said.


North Korea’s latest projects

FOLLOWING their successful missile tests, North Korean scientists have revealed some other cutting-edge programmes they’ve been working on, including:

  • VHS recorder
  • Paraffin oil lamps
  • Ulster Scots dictionary
  • Fidget Spinners
  • The new U2 album
  • Next guest on Saturday Night with Miriam
  • Poolbeg incinerator
  • Jobstown garda note taker
  • Artistic director of Harry Crosbie street theatre
  • Pay by weight bin charges
  • Rural broadband
  • Labour Party political strategist