Latest from the Blog:
What went wrong not quite right:
- It rained heavily on the Thursday
- Enda gave interviews
- They let their dogs chase us down the street
- Half the culchies couldn’t understawned where we were coming from
- Michael Noonan
- They mistook us for the Labour Party
- Lunch was just exhausting
- Never let them see you crossing your fingers behind your back when promising stuff
- Something about grassroot types of people
- Calvin Klein looks better on you
- Make some physical contact with them (eg remove gloves when shaking hands)
- Never mention Enda
- Stand closer to the grave so you can be seen
- Park the Merc and walk into the estate
- Don’t yawn when one of them talks about being mugged, evicted, HSE, etc
Er…that should do it
ROTTEN TO THE CORP: Finance minister Baldy Noonan pictured here doing his impression of Thing from the Fantastic Four
MICK Noonan of the “Govt of Ireland” syndicate – which won 13 billion euros in the Apple “Orchard Thieves” competition – has decided to refuse the prize.
Entrants were asked to answer just one question – what rate of tax should Apple pay?
However a dispute arose over whether the prize should be shared with another syndicate or awarded at all, due to question marks being raised as to how the winning entry form was completed.
Mr Noonan believed that the integrity of the syndicate was being questioned and so he refused to accept the prize, which was to have been presented to him by CEO Tim “Cooking” Apple.
As a compromise, this juicy prize is being paid in seed potatoes, which will be placed in an escrow barn for safe keeping, until they rot.
But Noonan, whose colleagues in the consortium all currently work in shoring up Leinster House, says he’s confident he will be vindicated in the long run. “The core issue is that the show’s not over ’til the Pink Lady sings,” he laughed.
This week Dr Michael Noonan, (B.A.L.D.Y.) reflects on the ludicrous side of his work
Being a doctor well known throughout Europe I often get some very silly people seeking my intercession. Last week, for example, a Danish woman, who was obviously unstable and suffering from delusions, said to me: “Doctor, I have just discovered a very large lump of money that I think you should remove if you know what’s good for all of us!”
Naturally I just laughed at the silly woman’s amateur prognosis! Everyone knows that if you ignore these vast lumps they won’t bother anyone, whereas if you draw attention to them you end up with a huge headache and nightmares for years and years.
I find a mix of hair-shirts and dried figs will reduce greatly such swellings, but if you are worried about it come and talk to me. I’m sure we can work something out to get you smiling again.
COOKIN’ THE BOOKS: Apple CEO Tim Cook said that he’d even stump for a few packets of bacon fries next time he’s in Dublin
“Sound, lads, I’ll get you a pint next time I’m in Dublin” – That’s the message from Apple CEO Tim Cook to the Irish Government after the Cabinet decided to appeal the EC tax judgment against the company.
The European Competition Commissioner says that Apple owes €13bn in back taxes but the Irish Government, along with Apple, is to appeal that ruling.
And to say thanks for possibly saving the tech giant up to €20bn, with interest added, boss Cook has told Enda and the gang that a night out on the town is called for.
“It’ll be my round in Coppers, all night, lads,” the American wrote Kenny in an email. “I don’t want to see your hand in the póca once, I insist. Order anything you like, money is not an object, in this case. It’s the least we can do.”
Apple boss’s ingenious plan to cover tax bill
PAT HICKEY: No tickies
BELEAGUERED OCI official Pat Hickey insists he “has no tickets for sale” for his highly-anticipated trial in Rio.
The septuagenarian has also asked the public “to stop ringing me up asking me”.
Sources in Rio say there is already “spectacular interest” in the predicted trial and that tickets, if available, would be “like gold dust for Irish media hacks”.
However in a statement sure to disappoint hundreds of potential spectators, Mr Hickey says he believes that the event, if it actually does happen, “will be televised – like everything else in this bloody case”.
- Lucanbleak to Ballintears
- Mountjoyless to Kincooledown
- Anywhere between Blackrock and a Hard Place
- Swordsdrawn to Malahideme
- Ballymoregrief to Ringsendinthearmy!
A MESSAGE FROM THE EDITOR
(This week’s guest editor, in the continuing absence of the principal, is our maths teacher and school treasurer, Mr Noonan)
Hello everybody, and welcome to autumn. It’s the season of mists and mellow fruitfulness, as the poet WB Keats called it. And we all know fruit is a great thing. But as events of the past week remind us, you can also have too much of it.
You will be aware by now that we have had an unusual windfall of apples lately from Tim Cook’s orchard, which adjoins or school. This would normally be a welcome event, and we would usually be within our rights to keep them. We have a long-standing arrangement with Mr Cook that, since many of his trees overhang the school grounds, anything that drops this side of the wire is ours.
In addition, of course, he generously provides us with several boxes of free apples every year, in gratitude for the fact that we let him use our facilities and because he hires most of his pickers from among our students, cheap. But the problem in this case is that the massive fall of fruit of our side of the fence this year was not a natural occurrence.
We know now that a gang of European apple pickers went into his orchard one night last week and shook all the trees alongside our fence. They did this, clearly, with a view to collecting the fruit themselves, later. Luckily, Mr Cook and I were quickly alerted to the situation and gathered up all the fallen apples before anyone could make off with them. They are now stored in a special shed, pending clarification of their legal status.
Naturally, certain people in the school wanted to keep the apples. Indeed we believe students were already planning a massive cider party, and that some of the less responsible teachers – the usual suspects – were tempted to join them.
But after again consulting the school’s solicitor, Ms Whelan (who’s been very busy lately) they were persuaded of the wisdom of keeping their heads down for a change and letting me take the blame for a difficult decision.
I make no apology, however, for thinking of the school’s best long-term interests. After all, if we gorged ourselves on the extra apples now, what would we get? The runs, of course.
And it might not be just us who got the runs, either. Mr Cook could get them too, and run all the way over to our neighbours, the Teresian School, to relocate his orchard. I’m sure Mrs May would just love to have his trees leaning over her fences instead of ours.
So in short, the supposed windfall is entirely illusory. But don’t worry. There will be some apples available for distribution this autumn, around Halloween, when I finalise the school budget. As usual, however, they will have strings attached, suspended from the ceiling and everyone will have to compete to get even a small bite.
School Panto: Call for Auditions
This year’s Christmas pantomime will be “Mick and the Beanstalk”, adapted from the original, and directed by the multi-talented Mr Noonan.
A modern telling of the old morality tale, it will follow the adventures of Michael, a young boy from Limerick who grows up to be a financial genius, transforming his mother’s cow-based economy into a global success story by exchanging it for magic beans from US high-tech companies.
The success is briefly threatened when, not content with the gold coins Mick brings back home on a regular basis, his mother and other short-sighted people get greedy and want him to steal the goose that lays the golden egg as well.
This upsets a multinational giant, who cries: “Fee-Fi-Fo-Fum. I smell the blood of an English post-Brexit relocation of my company headquarters.” But Mick’s prudence eventually saves the day and everybody lives happily every after.
Auditions will be held in the school hall next week.
Maths For Fun
1) If you have 400 million apples a year to begin with, and then a strange woman with a dodgy foreign accent calls to your door offering another 13 billion, what do you end up with (see question 3 for a hint)?
2) If you’re a socialist who wants to end world hunger, but in doing so you give away the seed potatoes, does that make you a Rooster or a Kerr’s Pinko?
3) How many dwarves attended Snow White’s funeral?
A postcard from the principal
Greetings from the south of France, where I’m touching up my permatan in preparation for another Irish winter. I hope it’s raining where you are (only joking!) (not really!!). It’s sweltering here.
I’m writing this from Lourdes, where we stopped overnight. And guess who I met on the street today? The entire Mayo football team, that’s who! Small world. Apparently, they’re doing a warm-weather training camp here in advance of their big game with Dublin. It involves some sort of hydro-therapy, with daily sessions in baths. All very scientific, I’m sure.
They hope it will give them a vital edge against the Dubs, and they’re determined to leave no stone unturned. In fact they fly out tomorrow for another camp, this time in Medjugorje. After that, it’s back to regular training at home (in Knock). It’s great to see such intense prep-work, with – despite all the disappointments of previous years – no sign of desperation creeping in.
Anyway, that’s all I have time for now. See you soon.
BALLS-UP: Weiner has described the woman’s claims as nuts
A 26-YEAR-OLD US woman yesterday sensationally claimed she had not yet received any explicit messages from former Congressman Anthony Weiner. She told New York reporters: “Yes, it’s absolutely true. Anthony has not sent me any images of himself in his underpants.”
But in an immediate response on his public Twitter account, Weiner insisted the woman’s claims were “complete fantasy and should be dismissed out of hand”.
The prominent Democratic politician has a long history of serial sexting and posting lewd photos of himself on social media, finally resulting in the break-up of his marriage just a week ago.
It has also emerged last night that the woman at the centre of this latest scandal involving Mr Weiner was a highly-paid porn star who had worked for years in the sex industry. When asked how it was possible to be linked to someone with such a sleazy background, the porn star admitted she had been “extremely naïve”.
Leinster House: Hundreds of broken promises and washed up careers litter the place, with tall stories helping to obscure any sign of brightness amid a grimy air of stagnation.
Croke Park: Incessant pools of blood and sweat accrue amid the skin and hair that is frequently carried on the wind.
D’Olier Street: Tons of waste paper circulates here, driven by hot air and wind in an area further noted for its gloomy prospects and columns of rubbish.
Montrose: Vast volumes of discarded hope vie for prominence with the half-digested, regurgitated tripe that continues to spew forth from every aperture with nauseating… (That’s enough horrible places to be for now _Ed)
The Gaelic Athletic Association is to introduce three new “disciplinary” cards to be used on a trial basis in this year’s All-Ireland Football final between Dublin and Mayo on September 18th. The full spectrum of cards will be as follows:
CONOR McGREGOR’S GUN
UFC BOSSES are said to be on the verge of telling Conor McGregor that he can’t use a machine gun during his next fight.
The Dublin brawler posted a picture on Instagram holding a large black machine gun while wearing a bathrobe.
Now MMA supremo Dana White is becoming worried that, after his narrow win over Nate Diaz, the Notorious is not prepared to take any chances in his next bout.
“I’m not 100% sure where he’s going with this,” White said on some podcast that you MUST LISTEN to.
“If he wants to use a weapon, he’s going to have to clear it with us first. I’m not ruling it out but he’s got to realise he can’t go solo on this, it will have to be sanctioned.”
PICTURESQUE: Dundalk is looking well ahead of the first Europa League home games
ANTICIPATION is building in Dundalk as the Lilywhites prepare to embark on their first Europa League campaign this month.
With trips to Russia, Holland and Israel on the schedule for the League of Ireland side, club officials are well aware of the realities of European competition.
“We’re under no illusions that this is going to be easy,” said one club member.
“The reality is that the Europa League means travelling long distances to play in cold, miserable places, with poor stadiums and fans you can’t comprehend,” he added.
“So in that sense I think we’ll fit right in, but we’re up against some tough opposition.”
DUMMIES: Jedward pictured with the O’Donovan Brothers after giving them a makeover
JEDWARD have hit out at the O’Donovan brothers, accusing them of “putting on an act to get attention”.
The migraine-inducing X Factor stars slammed the Olympic silver medallists for their “stage-Cork personas” and “faux-twin chemistry” during numerous TV interviews.
“Like, OMG,” said one of the Jedwards. “Who do they, HELLO? think they are fooling, it’s all a put-on for the cameras. Talking about shpuds and shteaks and hang sangwiches. It’s so corny.”
The other Jedward agreed: “You’re so right, HIGH FIVE, bro! I hope they don’t get any ideas, like Eurovision or Big Brother, they’d bring shame to IRELAND.”
CONTROVERSIAL: Rumour has it that David Quinn will be entering next year as the Catholic Guilt Rose
IN THE biggest overhaul of the format in its 907 year history, RTÉ says is to re-package the Rose of Tralee “to meet the modern interpretation of Irish womanhood” and to “reflect the prickly aspect of the rose blossom”.
Revealing the new structure yesterday, spokesman for the national station Lee Thargic said: “The traditional practice of roses representing towns and cities will be replaced by an issues-related module based on contemporary considerations across variable platforms.”
A festival interpreter clarified that each rose will now represent an agenda, including abortion, tax avoidance, garda misconduct, drug abuse, Irish Water, drink-driving, fly-tipping, bus strikes, fishing quotas, double-parking, the Healy-Raes, river pollution, ticket-touting, cronyism, bullying, Denis O’Brien etc. “And that’s just the first half of the first night,” he smiled.
In a further change, MC Daithí O’Beardyface is to be axed, with Seán O’Rourke taking the roses through their paces as they voice their opinions on their own agenda.
Following the announcement, bookmakers quickly installed the HSE Scandals Rose as “hot favourite”.
Uz giys here at TV 3 are delighted to be able to bring you another seezun of all that is best in drama, sport, nooze and current affairzy things!
It’s really, really ambitious, with lotz and lotz of original copies of stuff from England and some original re-runs as well!! Here’s a sample but not all off what and who is on the schedule:
Red Rock: The nashun’s top cop soap will air on Monday nights cos the guards said it was causing an obstruction and had to be moved, so I’m told.
Pat Kenny: See, he’s still alive! Him and Colette will be doing reely serious stuff about Apple and the government and crooks and suchlike. Not sure what it’s called but its real-life!!
Paul Williams: He’s like, proper brave and will give out about anyone as long as they’re a scumbag. I get scared soon as I see him!
Donal MacIntyre: He’ll be, like, trying to find missing persons if he can find any.
Vincent Browne: He swore he’d get very, very cross and bar me if I sed anything he didn’t like so I can’t tell youse anything about wot he’ll get up to.
Hope youse all enjoy lotz!! XoXo
DON’T MENTION THE FRAUD: Basil Lowry TD
RTÉ has announced that it is to revive the hilarious sitcom series Lowry Towers, about an anarchic patient hotel and its chaotic owner, Basil Lowry.
A spokesperson for RTE explained that it was inundated with requests to show the classic series again. And who can ever forget these timeless comedies:-
THE PATIENT HOTEL INSPECTOR: Who turns out to be not very patient at all and becomes very irate when Basil cannot produce a Tax Clearance cert.
THE GERMANS : A classic. When Angela Merkel and friends come to stay and Basil does his funny walk down to the Four Courts.
THE KIPPER AND THE POLITICAL CORPSE: Featuring that memorable cameo performance by Enda Kenny as the hapless Spanish waiter, Manuel, who takes his orders from Basil.
A TOUCH OF CLASS: When Lord Ross of Merrion visits the hotel, Basil recognises him as a fraud straight away because he arrives by bus.
BASIL THE RAT: Basil is running late for a meeting with his bridge partner Denis in Houricans and claims he can’t get through on his mobile phone. Unbelievable!
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