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New £1 coin does not feature Northern Ireland
Lord Mint of Polo

ONLY a few short weeks after the new £1 coin was issued in the UK, a new £1 coin is to be issued.

Minister for Coinage Lord Mint of Polo explained why.

“The new £1 coin will be smaller than the old, er, new £1 coin and because of this the map shown on the reverse side will only show England, Wales and the Isle of Man.

“We decided it would be prudent to future proof the coins. After all we would not like to have to – you know, old chap – re-do the damn things again for some time.

“Anyway, when we did our research, we found most people didn’t know where Northern Ireland actually was – and they thought Scotland had already left the UK some years ago.”




Head in the clouds Head in the clods
Doesn’t believe in climate change boll**ks Doesn’t believe in change of any sort
Global warming does not exist “And if it does, it’s jusht another of them Dublin conspiracies”
“It’s all a f***ing load of hot air” “Shure, with the help of God, it’ll all blow over soon”
“These eco-loonies claim that melting ice will cause sea levels to rise” “That’s like shaying a few harmlesh pints affectsh rural driving”
“Meanwhile, let’s keep Ryanair profits flying” “Let’s keep the ordinary Kerry TD’s income sky high”


Medical Matters

This week Dr Alan Shatter delivers a prognosis on why some ailments drag on and on and on and on…

AS A doctor people often say to me, “why does it sometimes take so long for problems to be diagnosed? Of course the answer is very simple – nobody told me about it!

Take the scourge of Guard’s Ear or recordem butdontellem as it was medically known – an ugly affliction that blighted the country and left everyone gasping for air, some years back.

Unbelievably, my lesser qualified colleague Dr Máire saw fit to try handling it all alone instead of availing of my far more qualified abilities.

The result, inevitably, was widespread panic across the county. If only she had come to me. I’d have prescribed a cure and nobody would ever have even heard of the ailment in the first place.

Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery

An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy.

This week: ‘RAE’

The Urban Dictionary defines RAE as follows:-
Very attractive, sexy, considerate and adorable. Hopeless (They got that bit right! – Ed) romantic, Rae will always tell you the truth about anything whether you like it or not.
You cannot help but love everything about a Rae, even the imperfection.



  • Fantasy Rugby – Gerry Thornley’s pre-match predictions
  • Bolters – Eager hacks filing 10 new Lions articles daily
  • “Ultimate honour” – Contractually obligatory soundbite from all players
  • Japes – What the English lads were up to when arrested by New Zealand police
  • “Four Nations coming together” – Four fringe players caught in prostitution sting

Joy as UEFA joins John Delaney
GREAT SCORE: Delaney and English are known for their reserved and graceful behaviour when out in public

THERE were wild celebrations across Europe last night as news broke that UEFA was joining John Delaney.

The football organisation was accepted into the FAI chief’s world where it will take up a new position alongside his girlfriend, Emma – but only if it promises not to stare when they wear the faces off each other before the national anthem and just after it.

The move is seen as a major boost for football in Europe, raising the possibility that a European side unfairly knocked out of an international competition may get up to €5m secret compensation.

Said one overjoyed Juventus fan in a fountain in Turin: “I’m over the moon! It’s not quite Pat Hickey standard, but it’s still a great opportunity for European football. This brings Europe a whole new era of opening ceremonies, top class dinners and a great salary. We’re gonna win the cup for John to fill it and pass it around.”

Nóirín O’Sullivan’s United front
BUST UP: O’Sullivan said she identified with the bloodied passenger who was removed from his position kicking and screaming

GARDA COMMISSIONER Nóirín O’Sullivan has condemned the decision of United Airlines staff to forcibly remove a high flyer from his position.

Dr David Dao was dragged kicking and screaming from the plane he was on when his flight was overbooked.

Despite Dao’s valiant attempts to sidestep the authorities and remain in situ he was eventually forced to relinquish his spot.

Commissioner O’Sullivan believes the airline behaved in a heavy-handed manner and the passenger was not to blame for the controversy he found himself in.

“Dr Dao is clearly the victim of a systems failure. There is no doubt had he been given more time to address the issues, he would have resolved most if not all of the problems that he was confronted with. I sincerely hope this type of witch-hunt doesn’t spread to this side of the Atlantic,” she said.

Alan Shatter’s favourites

Favourite food: Sour grapes
Favourite film: True Lies
Favourite TV show: The Commish
Favourite song: Thorn In My Side, The Eurythmics
Favourite book: Clear and Present Danger
Favourite musical instrument: Recorder
Favourite animal: Weasel