Latest from the Blog:
A Message from the Principal:
Another Easter is almost upon us and, as the immortal saying has it, there’s a grand stretch in the evenings. But of course, that’s not all there’s been a grand stretch in over the past few weeks.
You may recall that as recently as mid-March, my days as principal seemed numbered. Well, they’re still numbered, of course. But as of now, nobody can say what that number is any more: not even our maths teacher, Mr Noonan.
I’m in for the short-to-medium haul, at least. And if it turns into the long haul – what with all those potential crises facing the school over the coming months – I remain willing to postpone the joys of retirement indefinitely.
But daylight hours and the twilight of my career aside, other things have been expanding lately too. My global popularity, for example. When last I checked, the number of “hits” for my Washington speech video had topped an incredible 50 million
To put this in perspective, it’s many multiples of the number of breathalyser tests the gardaí were pretending to have carried out. And that was the biggest figure anyone in the depot could think of, obviously.
As for merely “going viral”, as some people still claim my speech did, I refer you to Miss Mulherin’s raunchy dance video (see below), which I think has racked up a modest 10,000 or so views so far on Facebook.
In virus terms, that’s a fairly localised outbreak: the World Health Organisation wouldn’t be too worried. But 50 million hits is more of a global pandemic – a bit like the Spanish Flu of 1918. And the impressive thing is that, in contrast with Miss Mulherin, I did it without getting any of my kit off.
So by all means, let the young pretenders continue their marathon auditions to replace me as principal, eventually. For the moment, I’m still top of the hit parade. Let’s just hope that, in their attempts to go viral, Mr Varadkar and Mr Coveney can come up with anything even half as catchy as me
Charity Sleep-out for Simon (& Leo) Community Extended
The school would like to extend its best wishes to Mr Coveney and Mr Varadkar, who have had their recent fund-raising initiatives extended indefinitely due to unforeseen circumstances.
As you know, last month, Mr Coveney began what he thought would be a three- or four-week stake-out to raise money and support for the Simon Community, a charity that helps Cork people with special needs.
Meanwhile, Mr Varadkar launched a similar exercise on behalf of the Leo Community, a Dublin-based equivalent. Both expected their efforts to be over by Easter. But a change in circumstances means they may now be out in the cold until early summer at least, and possibly beyond.
The school assures them of all the support they need as they continue to suffer for a good cause. Principal Kenny has promised to visit both soon, bringing extra blankets and hot water bottles, “in case they’re still there next winter”.
Misunderstanding over X-rated videos – School apologises
St Enda’s has formally apologised to a number of students who had their mobile phones confiscated recently after they were suspected of watching soft-porn videos behind the bicycle shed.
Repeated staff room viewings of the apparently raunchy footage have instead revealed it to be a school staff member: Miss Mulherin, performing a rock-chick act at a recent function in Ballina Rugby Club.
The performance involved her lip-syncing to the Shania Twain hit Man! I Feel like a Woman while wearing a “man’s shirt, short skirt” ensemble, as the song specifies, along with knee-high leather boots.
Despite her attempts at provocative dancing, the school ruled the video essentially “harmless”, especially since she was just copying somebody else and not using her own words or actions. As Mr Kenny said: “That’s always a bonus in Michelle’s case.” A separate complaint from the parents committee, suggesting that Miss Mulherin had committed an act of indecency by stripping her shirt off at one point, was also dismissed.
“The garment in question was only white,” a spokesperson for the board of management pointed out. “ If it had been a blueshirt she stripped off in public, that would have been a sacking offence.”
Clocks Changing: A Reminder
Mr Kenny has asked us to remind everybody that the school clocks went forward last week, marking the change from winter to spring. All your phones and watches should now be set to PBT (Principal on Borrowed Time), which will continue until at least May, or possibly June, or – who knows? – maybe October.
School Bus Breakdown: Mr Ross was ‘actively monitoring’ situation
The school bus-driver has defended his role in the recent breakdown, saying that although he refused to intervene with the issues affecting the engine, he was “actively monitoring the problem” at all times.
Parents had expressed anger at Mr Ross’s apparent inaction during the day-long stoppage, which prevented many students attending class.
But Mr Ross has now released photo evidence of him standing beside the bus at several different times during the morning and afternoon, while lifting the bonnet and staring under it with a concerned expression. “That’s as much as I could do,” he explained, “without getting my hands dirty.
His stance has been supported, meanwhile, by local business tycoon Michael O’Leary, who said Mr Ross was “playing a blinder” by doing nothing. “People don’t need publicly subsidised transport systems anyway,” Mr O’Leary said, while being driven to work to via a bus lane in his privately owned taxi.
Mission Statement – We enrich people’s lives – especially our own
We are committed to following the lead of our awesome founder, Steve Jobs, to spearhead digital communications innovation aimed at ecstatic customers who appreciate empathy, free virtual ear-plugs (in case Bono and the rest of U2 are around), stylish design, raindrops on roses, whiskers on kittens, etc.
We believe that inclusion creates successful interactivity with enhanced profitability. That’s why we include breakthrough batteries with all Apple products. These iPhony batteries – and indeed all our networking tools – will last up to an incredible 150 hours, so that we can sell you the latest updates next week.
Many of our happy smiling employees think nothing of working a 75- hour week and often avail of a restorative three-minute sleep in one of our rooftop nap pods. In addition, we offer a range of confidence boosting mind game activities, including tantric snacks, synchronised underwater judo, speed-skiing ballet on ice, etc.
Before they know it, our amazing trainees will be 110% fluent in Apple-ese. This means they are all able to “think different” by communicating entirely in winning corporate maxims, such as: “We take ownership”, “We strive to inspire” and “We get to Yes”.
But Apple isn’t just about cool futuristic computer stuff. Our carefully updated systems funnel huge amounts of money directly into the Cloud – and from there, through a complex series of shell companies and an abandoned cottage in Connemara to the Cayman Islands and beyond.
CLASS ACT: Seamus Coleman being comforted here by teammate Shane Long after fi nding out Brendan O’Carroll had been given his own chat show
RTÉ HAS defended its decision to show explicit replays of Brendan O’Carroll’s new show, All Round To Mrs Brown’s. The station was inundated with complaints following its decision to show graphic footage of Séamus Coleman’s horrific leg injury.
But a spokesperson for the national broadcaster denied the organisation was engaging in cruel and unusual punishment.
“We understand that viewers would need a strong stomach to process both the Coleman leg break and approximately one hour of Mrs Brown’s humour. But we feel people want to see more of Mrs Brown on the box,(tee hee).
“We want to encourage people to tune in because lots of celebrity guests will be coming in and out of Mrs Brown’s back door, (oh my!).
“We hope a large audience will tune in and stiffen our resolve, (hee hee hee),” she added.
Small handheld yoke that looks like a shiny plastic box, but could very easily be mistaken for a mouldy breakfast roll that some bowsy left lying around the place. Comes complete with nobs, bits of wire, flashing light and a re-usable blow-hole and digital screen. Guaranteed to give a different reading every time. Warning: On no account to be used on motorists.
Another of these new technology devices that allows spiteful individuals with a chip on their shoulder to go behind people’s backs and create trouble for no good reason. Includes
disposable mobile phone, audio recording machine, hard-backed notebook and pencil – all specially designed to stop disloyal rat bastards discrediting hard-working gardaí.
High-tech Street-Specific GPS mapping system. Simply plug in and hear the very latest voice-activated directions, including: “Quick, lads! Take a sharp left out of Kildare Street and follow that ’97 Fiat Punto! It’s yer quare one Clare Daly, so yiz know what to do, right?”
Smell the coffee;
Down the pan-cakes;
Toast (Note: limited portions due to shortage of dough).
(In the) Soups:
Grasp the nettle;
Making ends meat:
Cooked goose & stuffed
artichokers in sauce that’s also good for the gander; Humble pie;
Future-at-steak with pickle.
(on thin ice)
Just Desserts &
Rich pie in the Sky box.
Due to financial restraints, this menu will be on repeat schedule for the foreseeable future.
|Claims O’Neill went against medical advice||Would like to offer Koeman a few words of advice|
|Hamstrung by internationals||Players do hamstrings|
|Has no midfield cover||Has Glenn Whelan|
|Won’t return O’Neill’s calls||Keeps calling up Koeman’s players|
|James McCarthy never plays for him||Never able to play James McCarthy|
|Wants FAI to cop on||Wants Koeman to FO|
A RECENT internal garda audit in the Templemore training college has uncovered some interesting expenditure claims. Items on the garda expenses account included:
5,000 gallons of whitewash
150 bitter pills
700 Dirty Harry box sets
14,500 cases of breath-taking arrogance
1 speechless Paul Williams
1 red-faced commissioner
Countless redacted reports
Dozens of spineless crime correspondents
12,000 bags of cheese ‘n’ onion crisps
Due to an anticipated reconfiguration of personnel and procedures, vacancies are expected at all rank levels in the near future.
- Can you count to at least a million?
- Are you committed to the highest degree of integrity at all times?
- Have you a neck not unlike a jockey’s b**locks?
- Could you recognise Clare Daly if you pulled her over?
- Could you maintain a straight face under fierce interrogation by some pup of a barrister?
If the answer is ‘Yes’ to any of the criteria above, then An Garda Síochána may be just the career for you!
Please send CV – including details of any medical conditions such as memory lapses, boiling blood, forked tongue, churning stomach, allergies to certain individuals (you know the kind we mean), tunnel vision, red mist, etc – to An Garda Síochána, Hookey House, Crookstown.
WORST OFFENDER: FF leader Michéal Martin has had to tear up his entire press strategy now that the word ‘unnacceptable’ has been nixed
By our political staff, Pól Corr
POLITICIANS across all parties were coming under growing pressure last night to accept that unacceptable was no longer an acceptable way to describe their feelings towards something they consider not acceptable.
“I accept that they have to find an acceptable way to express what they don’t want to accept but it’s not acceptable to expect people to accept this unacceptable way of sounding like they aren’t going to accept the unacceptable,” fumed an angry auctioneer in Arklow.
“Why can’t they just call garda scandals, the latest church atrocity or Shane Ross’s inactivity what they actually are – ‘a total nightmare’, or a ‘complete fucking joke?’ ”
But the call to render unacceptable unacceptable is already being rejected. “Enda, for one, doesn’t like change,” rebuked a FG spokesman.
A WHEEL SHAME: Perdisatt says he pines for a time when he could have 15 pints, drive home and still forget where he parked his car the previous night
A MAN who gave up drink-driving five years ago says he feels like a complete fool in the wake of the latest garda controversy.
After hearing that the guards were planning a huge crackdown on drink-driving, Sam Perdisatt decided not to drink his usual eight to 10 pints a night before driving the 20-minute journey to his home in Kildare.
But now, as it has been revealed that the garda figures have been massively exaggerated, Perdisatt feels “like a total mug”. “I never would have given up the auld pints and driving home craic had I known they were bullshitting me,” he said.
“I mean, the amount of bleedin’ money I’ve wasted on taxis over the last few years. I’d be of a mind to sue the fuckers. And there was a load of nights that I was the designated driver.
Designated fool is more like it. But victims like me get forgotten very quickly.”
MONDAY TO SUNDAY (including Public Holidays)
0645 to privitisation – delayed
0700 to insolvency – on time
0715 to Labour Court – running behind schedule
0800 to Bus Éireann management office – cancelled
0900 from Shane Ross’s office to Bus Éireann HQ – delayed indefinitely
1000 protest strikes to front pages – running as normal
1100 business journalists to hysteria – ahead of schedule
AS an INM spin doctor, I am often asked: “Doctor, there’s something very wrong with my company. Can you save it?”
The short answer is no. This is because all the top executives suffer from a condition known as Swollen Salary Syndrome (or Corporatus Blottus Normalis, to use the proper medical term), which leads to prolonged symptoms of intense greed and sudden outbursts of ill-feeling in the boardroom.
The stress of running a huge number of wealth-creating global companies while simultaneously dealing with the complexities of overseeing life-enhancing offshore tax arrangements can sometimes be extremely dangerous to one’s financial health.
Of course, legal battling and trying to treat an ill radio station with new financial medicine wion’t help.
WHAT can I say? I am very family orientated but the word mum simply doesn’t do my mother justice. It is far too limited to describe our relationship.
For she is so much more than a mum to me; it’s like she is my personal secretary. That is how close we are!
We have such a special relationship and have such respect for the way she performs her duties. I tell her what to do and she does it.
I am in awe of her boundless energy as she sharpens pencils, takes notes, fills the water cooler, reloads the copier, answers the phone, empties the waste paper bin and books my appointments.
My friends say they envy me for having such a priceless mum. That is why I feel even luckier than they would ever guess – because I get her for about €2,000 a contract! I am truly blessed.
That’s between ourselves by the way, okay?
Fine Gael – Full Clown Costume, including Red Noses
Fianna Fáil – Cowboy Hat and Boots
Sinn Féin – Balaclavas
Labour – Full Chicken Suits
Independents for Change – Marvels Avengers Masks
Solidarity – Prisoners’ Fatigues
Green Party – Kermit the Frog Outfits
by our Business Staff, Phil Pockets
Charismatic, courageous, seen as a safe pair of hands, INM’s chief executive (affectionately nicknamed “The Pits” by close colleagues) has built a solid reputation by protecting his own interests at all costs. His spat with Leslie Buckley has transformed the way the company is run beyond the shareholders’ wildest dreams.
INM’s colourful chairman (he has a penchant for raffish dark grey suits) has spent a lifetime building up a priceless collection of money on behalf of his close friend, Denis O’Brien. Buckley has never been afraid to take the tough decisions, like persuading the banks to write off INM borrowings, or trying to invest in failing radio stations.
No stranger to courtroom battles, this towering genius and all-round multi-billionaire has single-handedly revolutionised the media in Ireland. He alone came up with the ground-breaking financial strategy of stockpiling profits from the comfort of his luxury hideaway homes in Malta, Portugal and the West Indies (“Better let the lawyer take a look at this” — Ed).
BULLSHIT GRATIA BULLSHITUS
Is now taking applications for enrolment into our new super hip-tech south Dublin school at the back of some industrial estate.
Are you an ex-pat based in Ireland for whom school fees are paid by some multinational? Do you fancy spending more than you need to on school fees?
Then send your little Albrecht, Dizang or Troy to Riverdeep High!
A Word from Our Head Master
“Hi – I’m Barry O’Callaghan. You might not know this – but I lost billions of shareholders’ money in educational publishing a few years back. Enrol now!”
Also offering classes in working class solidarity by our very own unemployed politician – Ho Chi Quinn.
“Give us the boy and we’ll give you the bullshitter.”
RED SCARE: The WHO has issued a picture of this man, an early sufferer of the disease, as a warning of the disturbing physical symptoms patients can expect to present with
THE WORLD HEALTH Organisation has confirmed an outbreak of Red C fever is expected to engulf the island of Ireland shortly.
The horrifically tedious disease is prevalent among the inhabitants of the volatile Indoland region during the stifling election season.
The illness manifests itself by reducing its victims to shrill, hysterical, nervous wrecks if exposed to Sinn Féin or other left-wing parties for any length of time.
Other symptoms include feelings of paranoia, grandiosity and pogonophobia, which the WHO explained is an “extreme fear of bears”. Some sufferers of the disease are even known to foam at the mouth and suffer horrific verbal diarrhoea if they even think about Sinn Féin.
While Red C fever originates in the backward Indoland zone, the illness is known to infect the entire media landscape very rapidly.
No known cure is available and doctors have warned wearing a blue shirt or spending an inordinate amount of time in an echo chamber could actually makes the condition worse.
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