Latest from the Blog:

Sinn Féin nightmare
HORROR: Our artist’s impression of Dublin after SF takes power based on the current view of Talbot Street from Independent House

THE latest nightmare vision of Sinn Féin holding the reins of power will send shockwaves through the country’s political system – unless readers haven’t already seen it on our front page every day this past month.

THAT LIKELY SF TIMELINE

  • Taoiseach Gerry Adams declares SF one-party rule.
  • Tánaiste Mary-Lou McDonald nationalises all industries.
  • Michelle O’Neill and supporters occupy Stormont Castle.
  • 5,000 decent, hard-working bankers imprisoned for crimes against ordinary people.
  • Leinster House turned into emergency shelter for homeless.
  • FG covered in grease and placed in cold storage indefinitely.
  • Giant green-eyed sewer rats roam streets attacking UN charity teams.
  • Shinner warlords flee country for safe haven in South America.
COUNCILLORS HALTED AT US BORDER
ULTIMATUM: County councillors, leaving the US, heard they could exit the country or give up their expenses

A FRESH controversy has exploded over undocumented Irish people in the US, after a White House spokesman said there would be no special deal for county councillors visiting for St Patrick’s Day junkets.

“Obviously we understand these people travelled in hope of finding a better quality of life, such as luxury hotel rooms and leisurely day trips around America’s top cities,” said the spokesman.

“But we have to protect America’s borders and there can be no exceptions to our immigration policy – these councillors will simply have to make do with claiming exorbitant expenses back in their homeland.”

Latest Government Referendums

Priority List

  • Legislation to give diaspora a vote in presidential elections
  • Implementation of transgender toilets in urban centres
  • All-Ireland poll on existence of the Labour Party
  • Plebiscite on whether “referendums” or “referenda” is the correct plural
  • Anything else that might possibly make the government more popular

Deferred indefinitely

  • Repeal of the Eighth Amendment
  • Any similar proposals addressing abortion issue
  • Or in fact, any other contentious proposal
  • Such as a Border poll on Irish unification within the EU
  • Indeed, anything that might risk making the government less popular
Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery
dictionary

An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy.

This week – ‘TUAM’

The name TUAM is a cognate with the Latin term Tumulus (burial mound). The town’s ancient name was Tuaim Dá Ghualann, ie the burial mound of two shoulders (the Church and the State? – Ed)

The motto on the coat of arms of Tuam is:
“Tuath Thuama go Buan”
(Long live the People of Tuam).

IN OUR NEXT ISSUE THE TOPICAL WORD WILL BE CHOSEN FROM EITHER:-

(1) INQUIRY
(2) LONG
or
(3) FINGER

Coveney is now mankind’s only hope for salvation
Brendan O'Connor
By Brendan O’Codder

FAILURE by Fine Gael to elect Simon Coveney as its next leader will almost certainly bring cataclysmic repercussions for the party, for Ireland Inc and, indeed, for the planet.

As this publication has repeatedly asserted (see also pages 2, 3, 5, 6, 7, 18, 31 and sports supplement page 3-6 plus Cheltenham review pages 4 & 5), Simon does not just possess the most acute political brain this country has ever produced, but brings much, much more to the table.

Here is a man equally at home sitting on a ditch or all at sea, down a hole or up a creek; a man who seamlessly blends the common touch with the authoritative grace of a superior Cork caste and who brings wisdom, wit and wealth to his every undertaking.

Simon’s easy grasp of stats, his instinctive instinctiveness, his cool coolness and his seemingly unhurried progress towards the pinnacle of world politics must be neither compromised nor halted.

We need him. Europe, by God, needs him. And the world needs him. Simon is simply the best.

Inside:

  • Why Coveney is the only man who can stop Trump.
  • Woman claims “miracle” picture of Simon Coveney restored her child’s vision
  • Why does Martin O’Neill continually overlook Coveney?

Ireland’s Best Places to Work – No 1: Facebook

Mission Statement
We value our employees almost as much as we value our tax-free profits
Corporate Responsibility
As a leading multinational tech employer, Facebook invests heavily in competitive flexible practices with trending algorithms, attractive salary incentivisation and the latest jargon.

Work/Life Balance
Facebook believes the modern workforce optimises for happiness in an open culture. Offering part-time and flexible work arrangements (including remote working), helps senior male executives achieve a better work/wife balance.

Inclusivity
Facebook is where inclusion lives; where movements form, information is shared and change happens, all in real time. We fully embrace the principles of hipsterism and pride ourselves on hiring the most topical and trendy minorities, including eco-lesbians.

Team Bonding
Much of our incredible success comes from placing interns in huge rooms filled with rows of picnic-style tables where everyone sits shoulder-to-shoulder dressed in geek t-shirts and hoodies.

Wellness
We also offer a wide range of confidence-boosting activities, including roof-top yoga, synchronised ping-pong, underwater paintballing, etc.

CEO Rating
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberk is committed to global philanthropy and successful corporate tax avoidance. His personal life has inspired a generation and he is currently in a very happy and highly profitable relationship with his accountants.

‘Late Late’ DNA test shock!

THE Late Late Show DNA tests have unearthed fascinating results. The long-running programme invited well-known Irish faces to submit DNA samples to determine their genetic ancestry as part of the St Patrick’s Day show.

Broadcaster Eamon Dunphy was told his genetic make-up included strong evidence of a Vandal past and overwhelming Gaul.

Kerry TD Michael Healy-Rae discovered he was descended from a long line of Sleeveenis, a central European tribe thought to have travelled to Ireland alongside the Celts.

Meanwhile, TV presenter Maura Derrane uncovered her previously unknown Scandinavian heritage. The research team informed the Today show host that she was a little bit too Swede and her career was nearly Finnished.

Finally, alleged comedian Jason Byrne was delighted to be informed of his Neanderthal past. Genetic expert Dr Hook said it was obvious that Byrne’s genetic map was accurate.

“Neanderthals had difficulty communicating coherently and since Jason is regarded as the cave man of comedy it’s pretty obvious the results are accurate.”


TV Listings
  • Brendan O’Connor’s Cutting Edge: In the new series of his hit chat show, Brendan interviews Niamh Horan, Ivan Yates and George Hook and many other Indo and Newstalk hacks about their lives, careers and shared love of Denis O’Brien. Cutting edge stuff.
  • World Cup Qualifier: Ireland vs Wales: Which world class player will Eamon Dunphy call a “spoofer” in his pre-match punditry, only to be forced to retract his comment afterwards? Tune in to find out.
Enda’s Story – The newsletter of St Enda’s Special School
Enda-School

A message from the Principal

 

Flying into the US last week, I passed the Statue of Liberty with its famous inscription: “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore.”

Americans seem to have forgotten that message lately. So in my own humble (and yet courageous) way, I decided to remind them of it during my visit to Mr Trump.

Of course, I had to deliver another message too on behalf of St Enda’s. Roughly speaking, it went as follows: “Leave me your rich, your entrepreneurial, your hidden profits yearning to be tax-free, among the wretched ethics of our teeming off-shores.”

But that was between the lines, designed for only Mr Trump and selected others to hear. Luckily, the local media didn’t notice it and focused instead on my performance as the immigrants’ champion.

Speaking of which, my announcement of a school referendum to allow our overseas alumni a vote in future elections for honorary president seems to have gone down well, too. It’s not like it would cost us much, anyway. The role is purely honorary.

But when Yanks hear the word “president”, they think it means something (hilariously, they also think Irish “senators” are important people). So they were suitably impressed by my plan to let the wretched refuse, etc, a say in elections.

The bowl of shamrock was also well received. As for the bottom line of my visit – continued sponsorship of St Enda’s by rich Americans, including Trump himself – I’m fairly confident that I struck the right balance between the “sham”, as it were, and the “rock”.

In any case I have been re-energised by the trip. And yes, as promised, I will soon clarify my intentions vis a vis a timetable for stepping down as principal. But I know that all of you, especially Leo and Simon, will also be delighted to hear that my batteries are now fully recharged and that I am more ready than ever to tackle the many challenges facing us in the weeks, months, (or who knows?) that I have left.

Teacher’s Row over School Sports Day

The upcoming schools sports has become mired in controversy after Mr Varadkar questioned training methods used in the eagerly awaited teachers’ egg-and-spoon race, for which Mr Coveney is the favourite.

The row centres on Mr Coveney’s alleged use of a silver spoon, and his technique (according to Mr Varadkar) of carrying the silver spoon in his mouth at all times. Mr Varadkar said this highlighted the need for competitors in the event to reveal details of their financial backing.

After checking the rulebook, however, adjudicators found there was no reason competitors could not have silver cutlery, in their mouths or otherwise. And welcoming this judgment, Mr Coveney suggested the objections had been designed only to draw unwelcome attention to his wealthy background.

But it’s understood that Mr Varadkar was in turn annoyed by recent commentary in the local media relating to another scheduled event in the sports-day: the sack-race doubles. A source close to the camp blamed Coveney supporters for press stories making an issue about Mr Varadkar’s partner. “Who Leo is in the sack with is nobody’s business,” the source said.

Stories from the life of our patron saint: No 94

In the spring of the year 517AD, when he was very old, St Enda told his followers his final days were approaching. And so saying, he went into the wilderness to pray.

There was great sadness among his community but also some excitement as the more ambitious young monks competed to inherit his spiritual leadership, with a majority of supporters appearing to favour Simon “the steadfast” over Leo “the loopy”.

When some weeks had passed without the holy man’s return, the community prepared itself for the worst. But one day, a duck with a halo appeared in the monastery farmyard. And when it was seen to be a lame duck, the monks knew Enda had returned.

“Are you dead or alive?” they asked him, reverently. But the duck’s answer was cryptic. “As long as troubles beset the land, I will always be with you,” he said. And then, temporarily recovering from his lameness, he flew back into the wilderness (or possibly Mayo).

Great was the rejoicing among the community that Enda had not yet forsaken it, although great also was the confusion about what exactly he meant when he said he would “always be with” them.

Some, however, feared the work of the devil in the apparition. And according to the annals, it was at around this time that either Leo or Simon, or both, first preached of the necessity for a policy of shooting all ducks on sight.

Chaos in Teresian as Ms Sturgeon calls for Repeat Leaving Cert

Our neighbouring campus, Teresian School, has again been thrown into utter confusion after one of its constituent colleges, St Andrew’s, announced plans for a mass sitting of the repeat Leaving Cert next year.

St Andrew’s principal, Ms Sturgeon had been publicly unhappy about the results of the original Leaving Cert exam, held in 2014.

But the timing of her announcement has caused grave embarrassment for Teresian head Mrs May, coming just as her entire campus was given an F-minus for its performance in the prestigious Brexit Baccalaureate, during which they were unable to answer even the simplest questions on the paper.

Mrs May’s plans had already been complicated by the recent collapse of the assembly hall in Stormont Academy, where reconstruction is to take several months.

St Enda’s is now considering the erection of a giant screen between our campus and Mrs May’s, to prevent the ongoing circus over there distracting our students from their studies.