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RIGHT-BACK TO THE EIGHTIES: Fans of the troubled UK club have already mocked up this banner for next season in anticipation of the young Irishman’s arrival
TROUBLED top-flight English club – Conservative AFC – say they are prepared to splash the cash to secure the services of Irish ace, Leo “Young Vlad” Varadkar from Fine Gael Disunited.
Varadkar, a tricky right winger, is said to be interested in the move because he wants to play on a bigger stage with larger crowds. “The number of people who support me in Ireland is actually quite small,” he confessed, “and I am ambitious to earn some additional silverware – salary, expenses, pension, that kind of thing.”
If he goes, Young Vlad will be swapping the blue shirt of Fine Gael for the, er, even bluer shirt of “the Tories”.
Young Vlad has denied reports that he has been promised the captaincy of the team “with immediate effect” replacing temporary short-term captain May.
“That’s not true,” he said in an interview on London’s LGBT Radio (Are you sure this is right? – Ed). “I want to get to know the players first. I need to know that the players in my team are people I can trust. And of course, we will need to have a defensive line-up that is strong and, er, stable.”
FIANNA FÁIL leader Micheál Martin has condemned the decision of the DUP to allow a weak unpopular government to remain in office.
The Cork South Central TD claimed there was a moral responsibility on the Democratic Unionist Party to do the decent thing and have another election.
“Their deeply cynical and opportunistic behaviour to keep the Tories in power while refusing a formal coalition arrangement is embarrassing. This coupled with their cringeworthy fealty to a smug, arrogant right-winger is despicable,” he added.
Taoiseach and Minister for Narcissism: Leo Varadkar
Minister for Preening: Tom Neville
Minister for Natural Smugness: Paschal Donohoe
Minister for Imperial Affairs: Lord Ross
Minister for Shouting: Michael Ring
Minister for Oiliness: Regina Doherty
Minister for Gombeen Outreach: Michael Lowry
Minister for Exit: Simon Harris
Minister for Protestants: Heather Humphreys
Minister for Entitlement: Kate O’Connell
Minister for Systems Failure: Frances Fitzgerald
Minister for Disappointment: Alan Farrell
Minister for Unemployment: Mary Mitchell-O’Connor
Minister for Retirement: Charlie Flanagan
IN common with other newspapers, we may in recent times have given the impression that Jeremy Corbyn was leading Labour into oblivion. Headlines such as Corbyn Singlehandedly Destroying Labour and Corbyn Couldn’t Organise Piss-Up In Brewery may have added to this impression.
However, following Labour’s unexpectedly impressive showing in the election, we now realise Mr Corbyn has shown that his distinctive brand of left wing politics has offered a refreshing alternative to the Conservatives. This is reflected in our more recent headlines, including Corbyn – The Choice Of A New Generation, Red Alert: Corbyn On The Rise, and Labour Shakes It Up, Baby.
We would like to apologise for our error and promise not to repeat it until the next time the Tories win a by-election.
1 Jan 18 – Public sector ire to increase by 100%
1 Oct 18 – Outrage amongst newly recruited teachers to increase by 75%
1 Jan 19 – Cabinet ministers with phones off to increase by 50%
1 Sep 19 – Gardaí blowing fuse to increase by 60%
1 Jan 20 – 80% increase in strike threats
Theresa May uncovered
Following a change of leadership in the Fine Gael party, the following alterations have been made by the Independent Alliance to the partnership agreement:
- Stepaside Garda Station to become a World Heritage Site
- No references to Shane Ross’s opinions before 2016
- More publicity for John Halligan
- Pretend Fianna Fáil are relevant
- Michael Harty to be love-bombed
- Michael Lowry to be carpet-bombed
- Insist an election would be catastrophic
- All comparisons between Leo Varadkar and Theresa May to be banned
- Beatification of Michael Noonan
The Conservative and Unionist Negotiating Teams (CUNTs) have revealed the terms and conditions of their minority government deal
- All Trident submarines to be powered with woodchip boilers
- Acknowledge climate change is man-made but that the gays are responsible
- A permanent ban on papal visits
- A royal pardon for Arlene (just in case)
- No mention of fossils (Gregory Campbell, Nigel Dodds etc)
- Union flag made out of expense receipts for Jeffrey Donaldson
- Sell Ulster Resistance guns to Saudi Arabia
- Get David Trimble kicked out of House of Lords
OFF THE REICH: Exclusive leaked pics from the extremist model’s new autumn clothing line
CALLS were growing across Ireland and Europe last night for a reality TV activist with extremist views to be interned in the Saturday fashion supplements indefinitely.
The demands come amid fears that comments made by controversial Z-lister Vogu Ew-illIams were an incitement to other models to join a ruthless campaign to take over the media.
Said a fearful father-of-four in Wicklow: “It’s obvious this woman is intent on spreading her insane message everywhere she can. She must be taken out of circulation immediately before any more of her lunatic beliefs are transmitted.”
As the Twittersphere went into meltdown, one man commented on #throwawaythekey. “Outrageous attempt to brainwash the country’s most gullible readership on Sunday World. Lock her up!!”
Head of the much-feared Ryanair sect, has issued fatwas against both DAA and EU legislators. Regularly delivers chilling communiques promising further punishment for Ryanair customers.
Pictured here during his training. Dispatched rivals in a cutthroat leadership election, now firmly in control of the notorious Fine Gael faction. Preaches zero-tolerance approach towards the infidels, eg social welfare recipients, immigrants, the working class etc.
Has been on international authorities’ watch-lists since the notorious “Saipan incident” in 2002. Relentless in his attacks on “non-believers”, including prawn sandwich brigade, FAI blazers, Ronald Koeman etc.
It’s another busy morning in the Eoin O’Duffy Memorial Infirmary, aka Blueshirt General. Hospital Master Leo Varadkar makes a round of the wards, accompanied by his senior nurse, Regina Doherty.
Dr Varadkar (stopping by a bed and picking up the patient’s chart): Who’s this, nurse?
Nurse Doherty: We think he’s a garda – he came in wearing uniform. But he seems very confused. There may be some head trauma involved.
Varadkar (raising his right hand towards the patient, with three fingers extended): How many fingers am I holding up?
Patient: Five hundred thousand.
Varadkar (raising his left hand this time, with four fingers): And how many now?
Patient: 1.5 million.
Varadkar (studying the patient): Do you by any chance work in garda crime statistics?
Patient: Yes! How did you guess?
Varadkar (to Doherty, replacing chart): There’s nothing wrong with him, nurse – just keep him under observation for a while. (He hands the patient a whistle.) You may need this. Whenever you feel the urge, just blow it.
They walk on, passing some nuns.
Varadkar (smiling): Good morning, sisters.
Nuns: Good morning, Dr Varadkar.
Varadkar (to Doherty, under his breath): What the hell are they doing here? I thought Harris got rid of them.
Doherty: They’re pastoral care. They’re just visiting.
Varadkar: Well, keep an eye on them. Don’t let them near my office. (They stop at another bed.) Who do we have here? (He studies the chart and looks up, surprised.) Ah, it’s the famous Joe Public. I’ve heard so much about you.
Joe Public (grumpily): I’ve heard plenty about you too. I want a different doctor.
Varadkar (Distracted by a bleep from his pager and reading message): Incoming emergency at A&E… two patients airlifted from Northern Ireland… critical condition. (He returns Joe Public’s chart, and nods to him). I’ll be back. Follow me, nurse.
The A & E department, moments later.
Varadkar (to paramedics attending the first patient, who is wearing a suit and a “Vote SDLP” rosette): Where did this guy come from?
Paramedic: Altnagelvin. They couldn’t do anything for him there.
Varadkar (checking the man’s pulse and not finding one): I doubt we can do much for him here either. (He shouts to the nurses). Defib now! (They clamp paddles to the patient’s chest while Dr Varadkar turns on the other arrival, who also sports a rosette, and is being attended to by renowned cardiologist Dr Charlie Flanagan).
Varadkar: Where did this one come from?
Flanagan (performing CPR): Belfast Royal – I do consulting there as you know. I flew in with him on the helicopter.
Varadkar (reading rosette): “Vote Ulster Unionist”? What the hell is it with moderate Northern politicians? (He looks at the heart monitor which has just flatlined.) Damn.
Flanagan (giving up, with a sigh, and turning to the paramedics attending the SDLP man): Any luck there?
Paramedic: We’ve just lost him, doctor.
Flanagan (shaking his head sadly and quoting poetry): Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.
Varadkar: Ah, yes. Yeats.
Doherty: I didn’t know Ivan was a poet?
Flanagan: Sometimes I think I’m getting too old for this job.
Varadkar (Patting him on the arm): Don’t blame yourself, Charlie. (Lowering voice.) But funny you should mention it because, between ourselves, Dr Coveney has been asking me about the possibility of his taking over your role.
Flanagan: Has he now? The two-faced Langer. And I was only playing golf with him the other day.
Varadkar: I need to carry out a bit of a reorganisation around here, as you know. But we can discuss that later. (To the paramedics.) Keep those two hooked up to life support for a while, just in case – maybe the nuns can work a miracle. If all else fails, we might be able to harvest organs.
Back on the wards, later. Dr Varadkar renews acquaintance with Joe Public.
Varadkar (reading files): So the x-rays tell us you have something you shouldn’t have.
Public: What’s that?
Varadkar: Unemployment benefit and a medical card.
Public: What makes you think I shouldn’t have those?
Varadkar: An anonymous tip-off by a concerned member of the public. (He taps the x-ray file.) Confirmed by our investigations.
Public: Bleedin’ touts.
Nurse Doherty (wagging finger at patient): Welfare cheats cheat us all.
Varadkar: Exactly. That’s why I’m recommending immediate surgery.
Public: I demand a second opinion.
Varadkar: OK. Here’s Dr Martin. Give him a second opinion, Dr Martin.
Micheál Martin: Well, if I were in charge, I might do it differently. But in the spirit of new medicine, and under the terms of our confidence and supply arrangement, I reluctantly agree with Dr Varadkar.
Vardakar (to waiting orderlies): Take him to the theatre.
Public (being wheeled away): I’ve been stitched up!
Varadkar: You will be, I promise. (He walks on, masterfully, as a ray of sunlight suddenly fills the ward. Then he notices Nurse Doherty staring after him, in an apparent trance.) What’s the matter?
Doherty: You’re just… (she sighs deeply)… so darned handsome.
Varadkar (smiling): Yes, I know. But you need to pull yourself together, nurse. We have work to do.
(with apologies to Glen Campbell)
I am a linesman in
But Down is my home.
And if Diarmuid Connolly wants to attack me,
Let him come.
The Dubs need him more than want him.
Now they won’t have him for some time.
My name’s Ciaran
And I still run the line.
Doodle, doodle, doo!
1. Discuss any three disasters that have already been unearthed due to the persistent climate at the top of An Garda Síochána.
2. What planet is Danny Healy-Rae on?
1. At the present rate of depreciation how many more general elections before the Labour Party disappears forever?
2. If you received €1 for every time Eoghan Harris changed his political allegiance, how many retirement homes would you be able to afford by age 45?
1. Create a simple recipe for disaster using as ingredients Seán FitzPatrick, the ODCE, Judge Aylmer and hot water. (Clue: Try crumble.)
2. To which of these categories does food for thought served up by Vogue Williams most accurately belong?
- a) fruitcake
- b) nuts
- d) Paul Williams
- e) all of them.
It is our view that the merger of Celtic Media
with Independent News and Media could result
in the following:
a) Tens of thousands of households being flooded with Denis O’Brien’s view of the world.
b) Re-heated “humour” columns penned by Declan Lynch or Brendan “Brennie Hill” O’Connor leading to mass depression and self-harm across rural areas.
c) Scientific gobbledegook about water charges being good,
inciting high blood pressure and cardiac arrests.
d) Environmental damage caused by even more free newspapers being handed out at music festivals, sporting events, the
Ploughing Championships, open-air masses etc.
IT HAD to happen eventually. It couldn’t go on forever. The whole of Rome and every tabloid newspaper in the world is in mourning this week at the retirement of Ms Hottie Totti from the pages of the tabloid press.
Ms Hot-to-trot’s husband, Francesco Totti – a useless, over-rated stay-at-home footballer – joined her as she completed a simulated lap-dance of honour to the delight of fans in the Stadio Olimpico in Rome.
The ecstatic crowd cheered and waved banners reading Salutare 36:24:36 – an obvious reference to her 36 years 24 months and 36 days as a leading “player” in the modelling world (I think you’ve got this wrong. – Ed) — while the blonde bombshell strutted her stuff, pursued by a phalanx of panting paparazzi.
“She was a real girl next door” – Sid Slime, Editor-in-chief The Sun
“She seems like a nice Catholic girl” – P Francis, Vatican Vice
“Could we get her to do a centrefold for the mag?” – Niamh Phwoaran, Sindo
“She’s so hot, she’s cool. Love to meet her for a covfefe.” D Trump via Twitter 3 am
Special 94 page full colour photo spread inside.
ROY KEANE has lashed out at the Republic of Ireland team after no one died for the Republic of Ireland during their 1-1 draw with Austria. The assistant manager had issued a rallying call for the team to follow in injured captain’s Seamus Coleman’s footsteps and put “their bodies on the line”.
“Sure we got the win / draw,” said Keane, “but no one died for their country out, which is a disappointing.
“Yeah, you could say Glenn Whelan looked dead on his feet. I’ll take the argument that James McClean is brain-dead. Some might say there’s no life left in John O’Shea’s legs, but I wanted lads coming off the field on a stretcher. I could have killed a few of them in the dressing room if Martin wasn’t holding me back.
“It’s not good enough, to be honest. Where’s the commitment?”
CONCERNED NOISES are emanating from the Economic and Social Research Institute (ESRI), the only entity in the southern establishment that has clocked the political... Read more »
UCD REVOLT OVER NEWMAN BOYCOTT
UCD’S CRASS decision to boycott the canonisation of its... Read more »
How embarrassing that the first greyhound to be traced under the Irish Greyhound Board’s (IGB) ...
IT HAS been hard to avoid Sinéad O’Connor (aka Shuhada’ Davitt) recently and her media ...
A SPEECH last year by then TD Mick Wallace and a short paragraph in the ...
THE Newsbrands Journalism Awards judging process has proceeded with the usual behind-the-scenes bickering and lobbying ...
“I REALISED I had a problem in my relationship with the media and that I ...
COLLINS, DOOLEY: FF FALL-OUT
THE POLITICAL hit on frontbenchers Timmy Dooley and Niall... Read more »
SINN FÉIN GONE TO THE DOGS
Sinn Féin’s business spokesperson, Imelda Munster, certainly reveals an... Read more »
INM’S BELGIAN BEER INTERVIEWS
SUNDAY INDEPENDENT editor Cormac Bourke’s “new role” as editor... Read more »
JOURNO AWARDS EGO FEST
DIGITAL-SAVVY hacks got into the Newsbrands Journalism Awards website... Read more »
‘IRISH TIMES’ CLIMATE ISSUE
The ubiquitous ‘energy security’ bogeyman was enlisted for a... Read more »
McGREGOR SPLITS MEDIA AWARDS
THE Newsbrands Journalism Awards judging process has proceeded with... Read more »
WILLIAM JONES VS JOHN MAGNIER
SPARE A thought for Goldhawk’s favourite ex-employee of John... Read more »