Latest from the Blog:

Leo doesn’t trust Sinn Féin
Leo-MaryLou TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has reiterated his opposition to working with Sinn Féin. The Fine Gael leader ruled out any prospect of a coalition between the two parties in the immediate future. Speaking to the media at a charity sock launch in Leinster House the Dublin... Read more »

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Doctor in the House
Doctor Varadkar The Easter recess is over and the Eoin O’Duffy Memorial Infirmary is returning to full operations, in more ways than one. Hospital master Leo Varadkar prepares for a delicate procedure on a visiting American, with the help of a committee of assistant surgeons. Varadkar: What’s... Read more »

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INM moots data mining
INM INDEPENDENT News and Media has announced plans to diversify its business operations over the coming months. The corporate media giant wants to enter into the highly lucrative field of natural resources and data mining in particular. The move comes hot on the heels of a decision... Read more »

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Aussie Captain denies Simon-tampering
Steve Smith AUSTRALIAN cricket captain Steve Smith has denied tampering with Simon Coveney’s balls. The Tánaiste and part-time circus performer had spent months trying to keep the items up in the air while simultaneously checking to see which way the wind was blowing. But disaster struck when... Read more »

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Shane Ross’s dog’s dinner
Three canny canines give their reaction Leo – Owned by Mr E. U. Brussels “Hard to judge” Mick – Owned by Mr M Wallace of Wexford.   “Dinner at Ross’s place? I wouldn’t bother me arse getting all dressed up for that.” Brendan Howling –... Read more »

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ANIMAL MATTERS
Seamus Woulf This week attorney general and faithful companion Séamus Woulfhound delivers his verdict on the latest dog food to hit the shelves. As Ireland’s best known expert on canine nutrition I cannot say how appalled I am at the depreciating quality of dog’s dinners coming on... Read more »

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Simon Coveney’s guide to politics
Simon Coveney Abortion Referendum Bill The original proposal has been clarified and involves reassuring protocols allowing a lot more time for consideration of this crucial issue.This has given me additional time to assess the impact on my future career prospects – so, in fact, my sudden u-turn... Read more »

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THAT FIANNA FÁIL RESHUFFLE IN FULL
Fianna Fail Spokesperson on Greystones: Stephen Donnelly Spokesperson on hand-wringing: Barry Cowen Spokesperson on conspiracy theories: Niall Collins Spokesperson for Coppers: Jack Chambers Spokesperson on disgruntled TDs: Darragh O’Brien Spokesperson on hard borders: Lisa Chambers Spokesperson on regime change: Michael McGrath Spokesperson on dog’s dinners: Jim O’Callaghan

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Leo stands by Ireland’s neutrality
Leo Army TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has reiterated that Ireland remains “fully neutral” on the international stage, despite his decision to expel a Russian diplomat. Speaking on a leisurely plane-spotting trip to Shannon, the Taoiseach insisted, “As I recently advised Donald as we watched the moon rise above... Read more »

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T.V. Listings
Retro tv icon Hardy Bucks, Sunday 10.35pm – Comedy about four twenty-somethings who unexpectedly find themselves temporarily in trouble with the law. In this week’s episode Paddy, Stuart, Rory and Blane decide to get back on the dating scene. Catastrophe, Thursday,  9.00pm – Sitcom about an ageing politician (Micheál) whose... Read more »

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SIMON COVENEY FAVOURITES
Simon Coveney Favourite film: Flashbacks of a Fool  Favourite song: Think Twice, Celine Dion  Favourite TV show: WWE Smackdown Favourite book: Fifty Shades of Grey  Favourite food: Ham-fisted  Favourite clothing: Turncoat  Favourite holiday: Route 66 (per cent)  Favourite chocolate: Flake  Favourite passtime: Flying kites Favourite prayer: Hail Mary 

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THOSE GRAND NATIONAL RESULTS IN FULL
Caravaggio Corky Simon: Light-weight challenger who competed with a string of career duck eggs behind him. Was desperate to put highly embarrassing display behind him after he was put firmly in his place by stablemate Show Pony Leo in the Twelve Week Mind Changers Chase. As... Read more »

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Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery
dictionary An occasional service to readers offering selected meanings of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy This week: ‘Concannon’ Concannon is a new culinery marketing favourite based on a traditional Irish dish of mixed metaphors wit  guff, hyperbole, mashed potato and some green stuff such... Read more »

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LEAKED: CONCANNON RALLIES SPIN UNIT TROOPS
Google mail Hi all, Tough news about our little baby! But CHIN UP! Remember every little unmitigated disaster is really a NEW OPPORTUNITY! So let’s PUSH THE POSITIVES and make this humiliating, buttock-clenching catastrophe into a story of a CARING government that LISTENS. In dealing with this,... Read more »

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May eases northern fears
Theresa May by Our Political Staff Tommie Gormless BRITISH Prime Minister Theresa May flew into Belfast yesterday to be greeted by crowds of cheering PSNI officers who were on double over-time. Said Mrs May: “I am delighted to be here and to explain to everyone that Brexit... Read more »

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