Latest from the Blog:

‘Irish Times’ explains that Nick Pell explainer
By Kevin ‘Kev’ O’Sullivan ONE REALLY is rather taken aback by the fuss created by our publishing that somewhat colourful piece by Mr Pell. The reason we felt compelled to print the article was to awaken our otherwise intelligent and informed readers to the rather... Read more »

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AMY HUBERMAN NOT AT PR EVENT SHOCK
NO-SHOW: Sources have revealed that Huberman was off being unfeasibly successful and well dressed at another event LEADING Irish celebrity Amy Huberman surprised onlookers at an event yesterday when she failed to make an appearance or be photographed for the newspapers. The multi-talented actress and... Read more »

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Glossary of Irish Times terms
Everything you need to know about this massively controversial movement populated by fringe lunatics Mullally — Long-winded opinion columnist who loves sound of own voice O’Toole — Older version of a Mullally Dead weight — Cliff Taylor think-piece Paleocon — Letters page correspondent Total con... Read more »

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BIG SAM’S ROYAL PAIN
PALACE INTRIGUE: Over the years, Big Sam has developed a reputation as a stickler for nutrition and conditioning DISGRACED former Limerick FC manager Sam Allardyce has t faken up a new role as manager at Buckingham Palace! (Surely Crystal Palace? – Ed) Allardyce will be... Read more »

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Obama rows back on mantra
NOD AND WINK: Did Obama have his fingers crossed when he said Yes We Can? BARACK OBAMA is set to scrap his pre-2008 election slogan Yes We Can for the less catchy No We Couldn’t as his presidency ends. He rose to power aided by... Read more »

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Brilliant Buckley presents “progressive pension plan”
GENEROUS: This INM executive expressed delight at the board’s warm and humane treatment of staff by the Entire Indo Staff CHAIRMAN of the board of INM Leslie Buckley has assured employees that senior management will do its utmost to resolve the pensions dispute as soon... Read more »

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The Bert is back!
WE ALL BERTIED: Ahern, pictured here in a cupboard, will be remembered as one of our most dignified statesmen THE world of politics has been rocked to its foundations by the news that Bertie Ahern, who did himself and the Fianna Fail party (But particularly... Read more »

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EARLY MEMORIES OF SANTA CLAUS
Roy Keane: “My earliest memory of Christmas was seeing this guy in the United colours in a Cork shop and knowing straight away that he was completely overweight. But what really annoyed the hole off me was that he didn’t seem to care and was... Read more »

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NewsTalk Christmas highlights
Business Breakfast Ace reporter Paul Williams eases listeners into Christmas with a hard-hitting investigation into the scumbag TDs who are hell-bent on destroying the good name of Ireland’s greatest entrepreneur, Denis O’Brien. High Ruin The inimitable George Hook talks to high-flying Communicorp’s Lucy Gaffney and... Read more »

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A message from the ISPCP (Irish Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to politicians)
At Christmas it is all too easy for feelings of kindness and sentimentality to dictate our actions. That is why we must think very carefully about the long-term consequences of showing compassion. So if you feel sorry for the Labour Party and choose to bring... Read more »

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That Áras Christmas Dinner
Brown Tongue Soup Havana Fritters with Potatoes (Half-Baked in their Dinner-Jackets) Red Snapper à la Castro –O– Junket Toadie-In-The-Hole Creeps Suzettes –O– Waffle with Syrup Pizza In Our Time with Leftovers, Cuban cigars –O– All washed up with Vintage Champagne in the Áras Selection of... Read more »

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O’BRIEN MOVES TO DENY SANTA ACCESS TO HOME
Dear Mr. Claus, I write in reference to the matter previously brought to your attention in which I sought total reassurance from you regarding an alleged plot to invade my personal space via my chimney on the night of December 24th next. I find it... Read more »

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New Year Predictions
Donald Trump America’s going back to work in 2017. Believe me. You won’t recognize the White House. Right? Profit-making enterprise, OK? Proper high-rise – at last 96-storeys. Roof-top casino on upper deck. Classy looking bar staff. Cleavage. The works. Let’s face it, Europe is finished.... Read more »

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RTÉ HOLIDAY MOVIES
A Christmas Carol Perennial Dickens favourite, featuring Paschal “Scrooge” Donohoe as the miser who is determined to claw his way to the top. Co-starring Simon Coveney and Leo Varadkar as the ghosts of political humbug. The Adams Family Comic horror classic featuring the country’s most... Read more »

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Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery
This Week: ‘Denis’ Male name. Origin: France. Pronounciation: Deni’. Deriving from the Greek Dionysius meaning “follower of Dionysos.” (a Greek god). Caring, Sensitive and Artistic. Natural intelligence and humble demeanor. Loyal and trusting. Found to be charming and handsome by many. Cherished by family and... Read more »

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UPDATED SPORTING TERMS FOR 2017
Playing the man on — Not enough women on the board Breaking ball — Not enough women on the board Last man back — Not enough women on the board Taking the man out — Not enough women on the board Target man — Not... Read more »

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Enda’s Story – The newsletter of St Enda’s Special School
A message from the principal: It’s hard to believe that, according to the latest school opinion poll, 30 per cent of you believe Mr Martin should be Principal. But even if this extraordinary figure is accurate, it needs to be considered in the context of another... Read more »

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MOURINHO’S (IRISH) LEXICON OF FOOTBALL
Playing field: Uneven surface faced by taxpayers in IrelandFlags: Something the regulator has been known to ignoreGoal: To save as much taxes as possible of courseReferee: Man with Irish accent who never blows the whistleNet: Big profits left after playing the gamePenalty: Small punishment incurred... Read more »

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No wuff justice for dog thieves
PAWS FOR THOUGHT: Clares Rocket pictured after her ordeal THE GREYHOUND at the centre of the dognapping case in Limerick is not cooperating with gardai, according to sources. Clares Rocket was stolen from its trainers’ kennel and held hostage for two days before being recovered.... Read more »

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Enda’s salute to ‘idol’ Castro
HAVANA LAUGH: Despite being in power for a similar length of time, Enda Kenny has never really achieved Castro’s level of popularity By Our Foreign Affairs Staff TAOISEACH Endless Kenny has paid tribute to the late Cuban president Fidel Castro, saying he felt a kinship... Read more »

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Creature Care
This week animal behaviourist Richard Boyd-Barrett tells you how to stop your dog from making a mutt of himself Man’s best friend likes nothing more than to be patted on the head and told what a good boy he is. Alas, this yearning for favour... Read more »

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Martin clarifies Fianna Fáil policy on water charges for coming week
I CANNOT understand why people think we are not being consistently consistent in our forward approach to retreating from bringing forward the issue of water charges, which are now almost behind us, going forward. I have repeatedly sat down and explained where I stand on... Read more »

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APOLOGY President-Elect Donald Trump
Over recent weeks (and years), we may have conveyed the impression that billionaire and Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump was in some way an unhinged xenophobic pervert and bully. Headlines, such as “Deranged Racist Clown”, “Misogynist Megalomaniac Moron” and “Crooked President-erect” may also have suggested... Read more »

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Spot The Difference
FIDEL CASTRO MICHAEL D HIGGINS Gave lengthy speeches that bored everyone Gives long-winded talks that put people to sleep Endless rhetoric Endless poetry Believed he was superior to right Believes he’s always right Took heat from America Takes first class trips to America Won’t listen... Read more »

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Nation shocked into sleep by Howlin statements
LABOUR REBUILD: Howlin enthralled all three party members at a recent meeting in Cork THE Labour Party returned to the headlines with a resounding squeak yesterday as leader Brendan Howlin warned of “Trumpesque” forces at work in government circles. The Wexford TD accused Transport Minister... Read more »

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Revealed: IRFU’s scrapped World Cup video
GENTLEMAN’S GAME: The video features cameos by some very famous Irish rugby fans DETAILS OF a second Rugby World Cup 2023 video have emerged. The IRFU used actor Liam Neeson to narrate an epic montage of heroic proportions that left no one in any doubt... Read more »

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TV Listings
• The Late Late Toy Show: Watch Ryan Tubridy barely conceal his disgust for spoiled, precocious little brats in this annual family favourite. • Paul Williams: State of Fear: One journalist’s crusade to rid Ireland of scum and Newstalk of its remaining listeners.

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Government wins mannequin challenge
THE MANNEQUIN challenge has been called off after the Irish Government was declared the winner. “There’s no point in continuing,” said a spokesman for the Guinness Book of Records. “Nobody could beat it as far as we’re concerned – 59 TDs standing completely still since... Read more »

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DUBLIN’S MOST POPULAR RICKSHAW POINTS
Weeden Quay Stonedbatter Hashbrook Ballymunijuana Rathgear Malahidem GPOverdose Arran Jun-Quay

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O’Sullivan ‘never used pigeons for top secret messages’
WINGING IT: It is believed that the Kinahan gang is using tough northside pigeons to intimidate their garda counterparts By Hugh Knows A SENIOR Garda has strongly denied rumours that Commissioner Noirín O’Sullivan operated a private pigeon loft at the rear of Garda headquarters in... Read more »

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THERESA MAY CLAIMS IRELAND’S WATERWAYS SHOCK!
IN A MAJOR escalation of its dispute with Ireland over ownership of Lough Foyle in Ulster, Prime Minister Theresa May now says “every bay, river, canal and lake in Éire rightfully belongs to the United Kingdom”. The Tory leader says that “as 99% of Ireland’s... Read more »

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
HILLARY CLINTON NÓIRÍN O’SULLIVAN Fond of running for high office Fond of running for cover Followed in husband’s footsteps Husband following in footsteps Known widely for being generally secretive and crooked Known widely for being Ireland’s Garda Commissioner Constantly tried to hide Bill’s indiscretions Constantly... Read more »

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Enda’s Story – The newsletter of St Enda’s Special School
A Message from the Principal A dog is not just for Christmas, as we all know. But although that’s normally a warning issued to those planning to buy puppies as presents, it can sometimes apply to old dogs too. I know, because I am such... Read more »

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Trump’s cabinet picks
Trump MORT LOONEYAlthough he has spent the past 16 months actively campaigning against Donald Trump, the Governor from Deadwood, Madison County, is highly regarded by Republican voters and is seen as a shoo-in for the Foreign Secretary job. In office, Looney will divide his time between... Read more »

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Hillary blasts the integrity of President Trump
GREAT WHITE GROPE: Hillary pictured playing spot the difference DEFEATED presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has lashed out at “certain people” whose presence in the White House “might demean the office of President of the USA”. Without naming anyone in particular, she has asked the people... Read more »

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Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery
‘Tongue’ The fleshy muscular organ in the mouth used for tasting, licking, swallowing, and (in humans) articulating speech. 1. Forked tongue: To speak deceitfully or lie. I will appoint a special prosecutor to investigate Hilary Clinton. 2. Tongue-in-cheek: Intended it to be understood as a... Read more »

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