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Royal Visit Mugs

To commemorate the visit of HRH Charles, Prince of Wales and his wife Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall to Donegal, Good Friday

Accessories Ltd present this limited edition pair of earthy mugs as timeless reminders of this unique visit.

Moulded from authentic Royal Ascot horse dung interwoven with the UK’s top brass, this unique pair of receptacles will bring a taste of
history to any occasion.

Each piece is uniquely designed with the distinctive large Chazz-eared handle for easy lifting, and polished to a perfect finish with Parisian tunnel wax.

  • Certified to the highest standard of approval as decreed by the Adams Crockery Research Bureau
  • Way more manageable than your old rude china
  • Comes with miniature replicas of protestors in Celtic tops
  • May be a bit cracked to be honest

Purchase online at pairofmugs.co.uk

A reading from the book of Hollywood

And in that land at that time, lived a man who called himself the ‘Chosen One’. And he ruled over all the fields and the roads and the rivers and the winds. And great was his ambition to be ruler of all things that moved and did not move, even though many didst gnash their teeth when he spoke of his dream. And verily too did many run to their homes and shut their doors when he didst approach for his voice didst make all men fall asleep.
And it came to pass that one night the ‘Chosen One’ was in his home when there came to him a voice. And great was his excitement for he recognised the voice as the Angel Bono, best friend of God. And the voice said to AK47 – for it was he – that he must help his people to make a new world of fantasy so that they could become rich in shekels and happiness, and after which they wouldst give thanks on their knees to the Angel Bono for the work and praise his name for all eternity.
And it is written that a great sorrow fell on AK47 when he saw that God’s plan was to render him a servant to the Angel Bono, who would lead the people to this new land, for verily didst AK too wish to lead the people to a Promised Land where he would reign as ruler.
And great became the belief amongst the people that AK47 was not the real ‘Chosen One’ and so they poured scorn on him and all his dreams were smited. Amen.

Protests as viewers wake up during new Brendan O’Connor show

by Our Media Staff – Dee List

RTÉ switchboards were completely jammed last night after the station was inundated with angry complaints about its latest mid-week chat show, Cutting Out Entertainment.
The new panel programme involves C-list celebrity guests and various Sindo hacks who sit around scraping a small wooden barrel while host Brendan O’Connor talks loudly about any inane nonsense that comes into his head.
Over recent weeks, the sound has become so deafening that viewers have furiously woken up in their thousands.
“In all my years as a multi-talented broadcaster, I’ve never had such a reaction from licence-payers,” said a delighted Benny. “It just goes to prove that there are no limits to how low RTÉ can stoop when it comes to trashy programming.”


BIDEN HIS TIME

BREXIT UPDATE
IF STAYING IN EU IF LEAVING EU
  • Thousands will die on streets
  • Mass unemployment will occur
  • Giant rats will eat devour babies
  • David Cameron will remain as PM
  • Streets will be piled high with bodies
  • Nobody will have a job
  • Massive snakes will orphan our young
  • Boris Johnson will take over the country

 

 

INSIDE BRENDAN HOWLIN’S HEAD

1. Must invite Baldy over for a nice sip from the decanter
2. This’ll ease me nicely into retirement
3. I feel two feet taller already!
4. What the hell is this ‘socialist’ thing people keep asking me about?
5. Please, please God let Enda notice me and wave today!
6. I’ll never forget the look on that smug fecker’s face when he couldn’t get a seconder!
7. Can’t wait for the holliers.

Strike it lucky with TESCO

Strike it lucky with your shopping this week by coming along to TESCO’S!
All of our stores are currently still open and we have a wide variety of super bargains for you while staf… er, stock lasts!!

Just consider these bargain proposals:

  • Visit our confectionary aisle and take the biscuit or choose from our wide selection of cake and eat it offers!
  • Milk it for all you can get away with in our dairy section while feeling cheesed off with us creaming it!
  • Put a sock in it in our drapery department and see if we can give you the boot!
  • Or drop by the fruit section and check out the latest in our mandates range!

Visits TESCO’S – where every little new contract helps!

Gardaí may appoint Vickers

An Garda Síochána have said they are giving “serious consideration” to appointing Canadian ambassador Kevin Vickers to a special role fighting gangland crime. Vickers last week tackled a protestor during a remembrance ceremony at Grangegorman Military Cemetery, and it is believed that he later single-handedly fought off a dozen men in an attempted robbery on the way home.
“Vickers may be just what we need,” said a Garda spokesman. “The kind of guy who kicks ass first and asks questions later – he’d be right at home in the force.” Elsewhere, it is also suggested that the Canadian ambassador – who previously took down an armed terrorist gunman – may be Conor McGregor’s next opponent.
Vickers was unavailable for comment last night, as according to his representatives, he was singlehandedly taking down a rogue guerrilla army in a South American jungle.

THOSE EURO 2016 DANGERMEN

Goan Harpoonimson (Iceland): Ruddy-faced stopper currently plying his trade with German side FC Kaiserslaughterm. Tends to drift in and out of the contest but will spill blood for the cause – as long as it’s not his own.

Haffa Bierbelli (Italy): Barrel-chested midfielder who has spent his entire career with West Hammered; a gutsy performer who will counter attack at every opportunity and will be first to react every time if the keeper spills one.

Izzie Ondrugz (Russia): High flying winger now leading the line with Italian outfit Intravenous Milan, having been signed from Croatian side Hadjuk Spliff. Fantastically fit and will not shy away from any ‘needle’ encounters during the tournament. Is also a world champion sprinter, swimmer, wrestler, boxer, weightlifter etc.

Mande Blokadz (France): Fiery striker presently doing the business with French outfit Angers, following a loan spell with Northern Ireland side Portadowntools. Away from the pitch, this “gentle giant” is a tireless community activist who makes regular unpaid hospital visits – usually to check in on opponents.

Rolan Overanover (Romania): Injury-prone playmaker earning his crust with Dutch side Feignoord and… (That’s enough Euros – Ed.)

TAOISEACH PROMISES ‘AS MANY NOTEBOOKS AS IT TAKES’ TO DESTROY GANGS

By Des Aster

As pressure builds on the Government to resolve Dublin’s gangland crime wave, Taoiseach Enda Kenny has made his most radical pledge yet to provide An Garda Síochána with the extra resources needed to stem the tide of savagery.
“I have instructed the justice minister to make available as many notebooks and pencils as are needed with immediate effect,” the stern-faced Fine Gael leader announced today. “Once we have written down the names and a description of these people, then we can start looking for them. And if that means searching at night, then however many torches and back-up batteries are needed will be instantly available,” Mr. Kenny vowed.
In a further display of resolve, the Taoiseach also promised to introduce new legislation to tackle the urgent problem. “If we have to extend opening hours for discount stores to make these resources more accessible, then we will do so immediately after the Dáil’s summer recess,” he promised.

CHARLIE BIRD BOOK EXTRACT

In this compelling extract from the RTÉ reporter’s new book on last May’s marriage referendum, he talks to one of the key figures in the day’s drama
Charlie Bird: “For many years, I have had to deal with the supposed shame of being an RTÉ correspondent who likes appearing at major news events and shooting his mouth off. On the historic day, nothing gave me greater pleasure than to be able to turn to the RTÉ cameraman who accompanies me everywhere and say, ‘I couldn’t live without you.’ Afterwards, when I went back to my house, I got unbelievable joy out of being able to say to the man I care most about, ‘I love you.’ I was staring in the mirror at the time, but still you’d need a heart of stone not to be moved.”

News filler not about Leaving Cert shock

by Our Examinations Staff  – Eddie Kation

In an unprecedented piece of journalism yesterday, a national newspaper ran a lengthy news article that he nothing to do with this year’s Leaving Cert examinations.
Said the editor: “I know it is unusual, but a real news story landed on my desk last night and I felt an obligation to publish it. I can only apologise to readers for doing the right thing in this case.”
Reaction to the non-Leaving Cert filler was immediate and intense, with countless social media posts complaining of “low standards” and “lazy journalism”.

Inside:

  • Today’s scary article about pre-exam stress – p. 2
  • My 15 A1 grades by Fintan Tool – p. 3
  • Top Tips For Anxious Parents – p. 4
  • How to use up your remaining revision time – p. 5
  • How to fill up newspaper pages during June – p. 6

 

TV LISTINGS

Film: Catch Me If You Can
Feel good comedy about a rogue garda who enjoys cancelling penalty points for his powerful mates

Film: Apocalypse Now
Live coverage of the GAA Ulster football championship

Jobless figures drop in inner city

THE GOVERNMENT has welcomed news that unemployment levels in Dublin’s north inner city have dropped. The latest figures suggest that fewer people are signing on due to taking up short-term positions with an expanding company in the locality.
Jobs that have been filled range from ‘looking out’, ‘writing threatening graffiti on walls’ and ‘courier and delivery services’ to ‘shooting lads dead’. “There’s always a silver lining when gangland feuds ramp up,” said a Government spokesman. “But the media just ignores the good stories.”

Gangland attacks intensify

by Our Crime Staff  – Conor Lolly

With no end in sight to the vicious political in-fighting currently raging on Dublin’s streets, there were fears last night that gangland violence is likely to intensify over the coming months.
Hostilities between the rival outfits – led by Enda “Dull Boy” Kennyhan and Micheál “The Monk” Martin – have seen a significant rise in back stabbings as both groups scramble to gain complete control of the notorious Kildare Street area.
“These are ruthless individuals who have been getting away with murder for years,” said a Garda spokesman last night, “and nobody has a clue about how to deal with them – especially us.”
Meanwhile, insiders are predicting that the increasingly brutal dispute could be resolved by the end of the year when Martin’s gang members are expected to make a final effort to wipe out Kennyhan and his associates for good.
Said leading crime writer, Paul ‘Appalling’ Williams: “Everyone who reads my sensational articles believes that it is now only a matter of time until the Monk decides to go straight – to the Taoiseach’s office.”

KENNY REVEALS NEW GANGLAND PLAN

Following the outrage over the latest gangland killing, Taoiseach Enda Kenny has revealed his plan to stop the violence.
“I have ordered the construction of a large two-dimensional bat-shaped object,” said the Fine Gael leader. “We will place it over a giant floodlight and aim it into the night sky. We have done a lot of research on this and it appears to be foolproof. A Dark Knight will show up and the baddies will stop shooting each other and we all live happily ever after.” Asked where he concocted such a plan, Kenny replied: “I met a man and he told me it would work.”

“Every cliché” to be exhausted in Garda reform

By Our Police Corr – Frank Drebin

Garda Commissioner Noirin O’Sullivan has vowed that “every cliché” will be exhaustively explored as the force deals with the fallout from the O’Higgins report. The Gardaí were sharply criticised by the Policing Authority last week and are also facing questions over the ongoing gangland killings.
“Rest assured I’m doing everything in my power to make sure this whole thing blows over,” Commissioner O’Sullivan commented yesterday. “The time for action is now and I will be leaving no stock phrase or platitude unturned as we seek to turn the Gardaí into a modern, effective police force – and all the other stuff we usually say whenever there’s a crisis.”
Gangland criminals have reacted with panic to the latest hard-hitting Garda measures, which aim to halt the wave of violence. “Wait a minute – you mean Ireland has a police force?!” said well-known Dublin criminal The Moose from beside the pool at his villa in the south of France last night.

Chinese ‘almost as bad as O’Gara’ shock!
Phoenix BW

By Ben Denee – Royal correspondent

A “furious and appalled” Queen Elizabeth now considers the Chinese government “almost as rude as Ronan O’Gara”, according to Buckingham Palace insiders.
The shock revelation comes days after the Queen had confided privately to her umbrella that she considered the treatment of the British ambassador to China by Chinese officials on a State visit to be“very rude.”
Speaking anonymously, a Buckingham Palace source says, “The Oriental chappies weren’t in the same league as fiddling loose change in one’s pockets in the presence of Royalty, as that dreadful Cork rugby fellow, O’Gurrier, did over in our Northern Ireland outpost. But they came damn close! I’m afraid the whole thing rather reawakened memories of that very dark day for Her Majesty. Dreadful
business all round.”

BARBARIC TREATMENT OF PRISONERS SLAMMED

Amnesty International have called for an end to the barbaric treatment of prisoners after Niamh Horan visited Wheatfield Prison for a Sindo piece. According a spokesman, this inhumane approach to reform needs to be stamped out immediately. “We’re not saying prison should be a holiday camp,” he commented, “but inflicting self-promoting Sindo hacks on the prison populace is unjustified. Having such a shrill, irritating presence as Niamh Horan on the premises is one of the cruellest things I can think of. It doesn’t get much worse.”

NEW EUROVISION OUTRAGE

EUROVISION BOSSES have demanded an apology from Ireland after sending another turkey to the song contest. “We warned you about this,” said organisers, “after that Dustin thing. The EU built your roads, paid off your farmers and bailed you out after you ALL partied. And this is how you repay us? By sending an even bigger turkey to represent a once-proud Eurovision nation. Nicky Byrne? Shame on you, we expect an apology, or we will consider a barring order.”
The EU has also warned of possible economic sanctions against Ireland if the dismal standard of Eurovision performance continues.
“We told you to back Ukraine and we expect to be obeyed,” cautioned a spokesman.

Premiership latest

WEST HAM chairman David Sullivan has blamed “low-quality glass” for the scenes that marred the Irons’ last home game at Upton Park. The Londoners were hosting Manchester United in the Premier League but the visitors’ bus was attacked by fans outside the ground.
Videos and pictures showed home supporters throwing bottles at the bus windows and Red Devils’ players taking cover inside.
“It’s low-quality glass that’s really at fault here,” said Sullivan. “If the United bus had reinforced bullet proof windows, none of this wudda ‘appened. I’m really disappointed with United, first turning up late and then allowing a couple of beer bottles to smash the windows. I ‘ope the Premier League bosses will come down ‘ard on them as a lesson to other clubs. I know they’ve ‘ad a very poor defensive record all season but they should at least have their transport sorted before getting to London.”

Nation stunned as report finds Garda unit investigated crime

By Apalling Williams

The Irish nation was in shock again last night as it emerged that gardaí in the Cavan/Monaghan division investigated a burglary at a house in the district in 2008. The shock finding reveals that the force dispatched a squad car in accordance with basic response procedure before a garda took statements from the burgled victim.
“We realise this revelation may cause a panic and distress amongst some of the criminal fraternity of the region, but we can assure you that it was absolutely a one-off event and the garda in question was immediately placed on desk duty once the details emerged,” said a contrite Garda spokesman.
Nobody was ever arrested for the break-in. “It happened the day before an All-Ireland final and the garda had to knock off early as a generous motorist had given him a ticket in return favour for something”, confirmed the spokesman. “So it all ended happily anyway. Off you go, there’s no more to see here.”
The Government has announced an immediate inquiry into the episode. According to a spokesman, it will be chaired by a retired judge and delivered two years late.


 

BRENDAN O’CONNOR’S BRAIN

1. Abysmal TV shows
2. Fawning Sindo profiles
3. Stray self-effacing quark
4. Speck of charisma
5. Ropy articles
6. Entire brain under oily hairdo

A reading from the Book of Áras

Chapter 12, Verse 10: Jesus, she doesn’t half go on

And in the 16th year there didth walk amongst the people of the land a woman they called Sabina, wife of the Poet Michael of D with whom she didst abide in the Big House.
And being rich of robes and high of heel Sabina didst draw much attention to herself. And lo too was Sabina loud of voice in her hatted head when she didth grow angry and possess gripe.
Then going to the Mountain of Mics didst Sabina rattle her throat and wag her finger and the trees and the scribes didst shake before her venom. For pouring great scorn upon the rulers, she didst declare outrage upon outrage against their laws! And great was her chiding!
But verily, many gnashed their teeth at Sabina’s rage and called on her tongue to be smited and her trap shutted. Yet, others fell on their knees and reached forth that they might touch her hem thinking she was St. Sinéad of O’Connor come to cure them of their torment.
But all agreed in praise that it was still better than the poetry of Michael of D. Amen to that.

Enda’s Story

The newsletter of St Enda’s Special School

A message from the principal

So here we all are, again. After what seemed like an eternity, I am delighted to welcome everybody to our historic second term at St Enda’s. It may have taken a while to sort out our little enrolment problem. But now that we finally have the numbers, our future is secure for years to come, or at least until the summer holidays, which thank God are not far away.
There will be some changes this term. You may notice, for example, that Mr Martin will be lurking in the corridors a lot, even though he won’t be doing any actual work for the school, and on the contrary, remains committed to setting up his own rival establishment as soon as sufficient numbers of parents are stupid enough to forget his last contribution to the sector, at the notorious St Bertie’s.
For the moment, he is playing a mysterious “support” role here. This does not entitle him to use the staff room, although he already seems to have forgotten that part of our agreement.
As you will all know by now, young Mr Harris is the new PE teacher (it only seems like last week that he was head boy in first year!). Such is his enthusiasm for making us healthier, he has already fitted everyone with pedometers. You may also notice a new smoke alarm and CCTV system behind the bike shed!
His predecessor, Mr Varadkar, is now the SPHE teacher. He insists on regarding this as a promotion, although frankly, I can’t even remember what the letters stand for. I think the ‘H’ might be for “humility”, in which case his job may involve learning as well as teaching.
Among the people retaining their existing roles (to even my surprise) is Miss Humphreys, who will continue to have responsibility for art, and to improve our staff quotas under several key headings. We’re all very pleased with the way she organised the recent centenary commemorations, and especially with how she saved the honour of the flag after the rough boys from St Gerry’s tried to wrap themselves in it as usual.
Finally, you will already have met our dynamic new secretary, Miss Doherty. She has responsibility for all roll calls – a very important job this year – and will be adopting a zero tolerance approach to attendance and punctuality.
Be warned! I met her in the hall with a hockey stick the other day, and pointed out that we don’t even have a hockey team at St Enda’s. “It’s not for games,” she told me, whacking an innocent passerby. “It’s for anyone who turns up late.”


 

A word about our crest

People often ask why our school is represented by a lame-duck motif. The story goes back to the original St Enda, a 6th century holy man who helped convert Ireland to Christianity. Once, chased through Mayo by a group of muck-savages called the “soldiers of destiny”, he miraculously transformed himself into a duck and flew away.
There are different stories about what happened to him then. In one version, he was martyred by a pagan king, Leo the Greedy, who before the saint could resume human form, ate him with orange sauce. But in a more uplifting version, Enda survived even this. Leo bit off more than he could chew, choking horribly. And despite a heavily bandaged leg, the saint went on creating miracles for years afterwards.


 

The pipes, the pipes

Following last year’s unfortunate incidents with e-coli poisoning, St Enda’s remains committed to a much-needed overhaul of the school’s water-pipe network.
Unfortunately, due to the failure of the recent fundraising initiative (and notwithstanding the 11th-hour contribution from Mr McGrath, following legal advice), the work will not now go ahead this year.
The school taps will therefore carry a boil-water notice for the foreseeable future. Also, alas, our swimming pool will remain dry.
This does not mean, however, that the time-honoured St Enda’s ritual of pupils throwing new teachers into the pool should not continue. Go for it, kids! And in Mr McGrath’s case, use the high-diving board.


 

Guest columnist

The editor regrets that the advertised column by our school bus driver, Mr Ross, does not appear in this week’s issue.
This is not because of its subject matter: “Why I would make a much better principal than Mr Kenny”. On the contrary, the newsletter welcomes all shades of opinion, especially humorous ones, as in this case.
The problem was Mr Ross’s appalling misuse of English, which the editor was far too busy to clean in time for publication. To give just one example, he refers throughout his article to the principal as “the incompetent” when he clearly means “the incumbent”.
Mr Ross may well be a columnist with something called the ‘Sunday Undependable’, as he claims. But if so, they must have lower standards than St Enda’s newsletter. Our advice to him is not to give up the day job.
Speaking of which, we wish Mr Ross well in his additional role as head of the school sports teams. A hint, in case he needs it: there are 15 players in rugby, not 11, as one of our previous managers (Mr Varadkar) disastrously assumed before our 134-0 defeat to St Michael’s in the preliminary round of the 2011 Junior Schools Cup.


Retirement of Miss Creighton

Lucinda Creighton

Lucinda Creighton

The newsletter is saddened to hear of the early retirement of Lucinda Creighton, who left us to set up her own academy some years ago. Despite policy differences with her in the past, we took no pleasure from her hilarious failure to attract any public support.
And while regretting her departure from educational life, we entirely understand the decision to spend more time with her grievances.


 

Letter from Mr Shatter

The editor regrets that, due to pressure of space, it was not possible to include a letter from another former teacher, Mr Shatter, in this issue.
It was, in any case, a bit long-winded. In some respects it read like an application for a job in a subject the school doesn’t yet offer. But, rest assured, Mr Shatter, if we’re ever looking for an expert on ancient history, you’ll be top of the list.
In the meantime, we promise to publish your whiny correspondence in a future issue, although we reserve the right to edit it severely, and to point out yet again that the principal never put any pressure on you to resign, and definitely didn’t send a package containing a dead fish around to your house.

Labour want Big Sam!

By Sikassa Parrot – football correspondent

In a move set to rock the worlds of politics and football, Ireland’s Labour Party want Sunderland boss Sam Allardyce as its next leader, according to leaked information.
The Black Cats gaffer is currently regarded as a hero on one half of Tyneside, having successfully guided the Premiership club out of relegation trouble. Many in the beleaguered party believe he is the only man that can save them from slipping out of the lucrative field of Irish politics.
“Sam has proved time and again that he can salvage lost causes and turn clueless no-hopers into serious competitors,” says one veteran Labourite. “Admittedly, Labour presents a far stiffer challenge than keeping Sunderland afloat, but at least he wouldn’t have John O’Shea giving away soft penalties. He’s the only chance we’ve got.”


GARDA PULSE COMPUTER GUIDE


 

PAUL McGUINNESS’S iPHONE PLAYLIST

  • I Just Called Mossack Fonseca To Say I Love You
  • Accountants Move In Mysterious Ways
  • Panama
  • Money Money Money
  • Stayin’ Alive (And Offshore)
  • Big Spender
  • A View To A Killing
  • You Sexy Shareholding
Spot the difference
 JACK O’CONNOR  SHANE ROSS
 027px Humour.indd_Page_1_Image_0005  
  • Believes earth is round
  • Thinks Luas strike is justified
  • Hopes to maintain union ties
  • Likes to drive a hard bargain
  • Advocates power for the masses
  • Stands for no nonsense from the bosses
  • Up to a point
  • Thinks Luas is a robust Spanish red
  • Hopes union dies
  • Likes to drive a Government Merc
  • Advocates amassing power
  • Stands for nothing

MINISTER ROSS COMMITTED TO TRANSPORT PORTFOLIO

  • Look bus-y at all times
  • Make inroads with that Dáil menu
  • Train myself to put up with Jack O’Connor
  • Car–ry on pontificating in the Sindo
  • Have no truck with those Fianna Fáil freeloader b****rds
  • Rail against the banks
  • Re-cycle that guff about ‘change’ and ‘’openness’, etc
Varadkar memo to St. Vincent’s hospital

Re: The Mother of all Rows

I hereby refer to recent issues whereby the arrival of the above mentioned has given birth to a fast-growing dispute. This department is expecting you to produce a maternity service free of cramping and it is inconceivable that I will allow this kind of situation to de foetus.
Hence I am urging you to push hard to deliver a satisfactory conclusion and without complications. Failure to do so may see me induce an early termination of your €150m funding, as I have no intention of being cot holding the baby on this one.

Yours expectedly,
Leo Varadkar,
(Acting) Minister for Health,
Leinster Housecalls


Alan Shatter Uncovered

1. We should never forget the real victims in this sorry affair, ie. myself

2. My reputation has been restored – I’m the country’s smuggest politician again

3. And its greatest author –
just remember my bonkbuster novel, phworr!

4. A simple Senate seat is the very least I deserve

5. I’m tired of people not realising my political genius

6. Especially Enda, the bollox


CLARIFICATION

In recent times and in line with other publications and media outlets, we may have occasionally promoted the impression that former justice minister Alan Shatter was a man who delivered a substandard performance in ministerial office.
Headlines such as ‘Shatter Deals with Satan’, ‘Is Alan Shatter the Worst TD Ever?’ and ‘Shatter Stays in Bed until Noon’ may have inadvertently led some readers to assume that he was simply not up to scratch.
However, in the wake of the O’Higgins report, we feel it is timely to reassure our readers that Mr Shatter is a man of the bravest bravery. It is obvious from the report that he is someone who would never so much as consider parking one wheel on a double yellow line or dropping a sweet wrapper on a pavement.
It is equally apparent that this brave and much misunderstood servant of the State did everything expected of him to keep us safe from terrorists and supervillains during his career. If only we had more Alan Shatters! We hope this clarifies our position.

O’Higgins inquiry findings (in full)

026px Humour.indd_Page_1_Image_0004

1 Nobody in An Garda Síochána has ever done anything wrong.

2 Especially not senior management.

3 Indeed, most of whistleblower McCabe’s allegations were overstated.

4 Anyway, the only gardaí to blame are those young inexperienced trainees.

5 But that’s all in the past now and everyone has been completely vindicated, including former Commissioner Callinan and even Minister Shatter.

6 Of course, lessons will be learnt from the inquiry into why lessons weren’t learnt the last time there was an inquiry and the time before that and…

Leadership battle heats up

It emerged last night that all seven Labour Party deputies have now thrown their hats into the ring in the leadership contest.
The current front-runners for the prestigious post are:
l Brendan Howling, 60. Dynamic middle-of-centre pro-European who believes passionately in a new kind of collective non-leadership and in raffish grey suits.
l Alan “AK47” Kelly, 41. Boyish, intensely self-important left, right and centre politician who is actively reaching out to the remaining three or four people nationwide intending to vote Labour in the next election.
Meanwhile, analysts are predicting that first round results will be extremely close since every candidate is very likely to win one vote.

Labour Party ‘could be next Alan Kelly leader’

Labour Party TDs were last night declining to comment on speculation that they will lead Alan Kelly in opposition in the new Dáil. The party is understood to be considering the proposal from the South Tipperary TD following the resignation of its Tánaiste Joan Burton.
“I feel it’s a great opportunity for the Labour Party to portray itself in a new, dynamic light by representing me on the back benches,” enthuses the outspoken politician. “I don’t see it being merely symbolic move either. There’s a tonne of clerical work and dishwashing to be done behind the scenes as I prepare the groundwork for a return to power.”

Gangs unveil shooting schedule
A gang member pictured in Dublin city centre yesterday
A gang member pictured in Dublin city centre yesterday

A gang member pictured in Dublin city centre yesterday

By Gall Williams

The gangs at the centre of the feud in Dublin have revealed details of their shooting schedule for the coming weeks. In an unprecedented move, details of the planned shootings have been released in order to prevent the public and the authorities being inconvenienced.
However, An Garda Síochána have stated that despite the advance warnings, they may still not be on hand to prevent the crimes. According to a spokesman, “While it is considerate of the gangs to give us the advance information, cutbacks in the force may hinder us in stopping these shootings. Also, several of our lads have requested the days off in order to attend vital GAA championship matches.”
According to the schedules, gang members are planning to make the usual getaways after the shootings. In keeping with standard practice, all vehicles will be set alight and the participants will then board a flight to Spain using fake passports.

IN TOMORROW’S ELECTION SPECIAL
Phoenix BW

64-page Election 2016 Round-Up

  • Fionnan Sheen: Why is there so much about the multi-talented Independent candidate Averil Power in the papers?
  • Henry McGoo asks why the Green Party manifesto is full of ridiculous claims about oil not lasting forever.
  • Heidi Grossburger: What Renua’s Lucy Creighton can learn from America’s tough-talking political whirlwind, Sarah Palin.
  • Fintan Tool on why Fine Gael are finished and have run out of ideas. The party is over. They are completely finished. They are out of ideas.
  • FREE Cut-Out-‘n’-Keep Full-Colour Election Map highlighting latest boundary changes, key marginals, election jargon and cool graphics.
  • PLUS: Those TV debates, poll of polls update, manifestos, charts, fillers, posters, slogans, leaflets, statistics, more fillers, etc. etc.
Comment – Still too early to tell

by Dan O’Whine

The possibility set out in this column eight weeks ago – that I would still be repeating myself in two months’ time – has come to pass. Will the new era of Irish politics resemble more closely Sweden or Italy? It’s still too early to tell.
It appears increasingly inevitable that a second election will be held in short order. However, nothing is yet set in stone. What is certain is that my columns will continue to appear in the Indo and that they will be equally as dull as John Downing’s. In the meantime, thoughts turn to the possible outcomes of another election. There may be some defragmentation of the vote – though it is difficult to say for certain.
One thing’s for sure; it’s all highly unpredictable and the situation remains fluid. We will know soon enough if ungovernability is to be our fate – but only time will tell.