Craic & Codology


Euro elections

The recent UN report on a million species being in danger of extinction has focused the minds of Fianna Fáil candidates. They will desperately seek to impress on voters that European intervention is crucial to reversing this impending catastrophe. “It’s the single biggest issue facing mankind”, says a party spokesman. “The world cannot afford to lose another invaluable species. If our own government won’t take our survival seriously, why shouldn’t we turn to Europe for protection?”

Fine Gael logo

Fine Gael is fully determined to bring the party’s influence to bear in Europe regardless of the cost. The party originally factored in €1m towards promoting its candidates, but the final sum “flat-bottomed at €10bn”, says a spokesman. Finance Minister Paschal Donohoe insists it’s money well spent. “The Irish people deserve the best and every one of our 57 consultancy firms advised us that we pay them well to recommend that all our candidates should polish their shoes, comb their hair and not look like culchies trying to find a wifi signal behind the hen house. We’re Fine Gael remember!”

Keen to bounce back from a disastrous presidential election, Sinn Féin wants to reassure “every ordinary, downtrodden, beleaguered, oppressed, out-of-work constituent across the island of Ireland” that it will leave “no poppy unworn, no menu unturned and no Mary Lou rant uninformed” in its determination to ensure that “honest to God working-class heroes… (That’s enough gunning for votes – Ed.)

Labour Party Ireland logo

Minority group of would-be left-wingers whose distant memories of holding power are lost in the mists of time. The party holds very strict views about entering into coalition and have repeatedly maintained that they will only go into government with “absolutely anybody at all” The party’s manifesto includes references to tax cuts, HSE funding and whatever you’re having yourself. Could win enough seats to make Brendan Howling a household name.

Eco-friendly grouping focusing on global warming, toxic emissions and the fear of their own political extinction. The Greens are not at all interested in personalities – Eamon Ryan and Ciarán Cuffe are among their current leaders. During elections, their key policies are recycled by earnest women and bearded men who distribute sad-looking leaflets about paranormal yoghurt. Voters are often reduced to tears as Greens bang on about saving the planet with vague suggestions about using herbal compost and organic footwear and putting tiny little taxes on everything. In danger of being completely washed-up and disappearing without trace.

Peadar Tóibín’s new all-Ireland Republican Party is gearing up to make its mark over the next few weeks. With his steel-rimmed glasses and collection of raffish grey suits, Tóibín is expected to add a much-needed touch of colour and excitement to Ireland’s political scene. Conservative and pro-life, the leader is keen on promoting individual freedom of conscience in relation to eradicating the evil of abortion for all time. Received wisdom is that the party has a bright future behind it. (That’s enough Election Guide – Ed.)