Craic & Codology



By Philly Space

In a shock escalation of tensions, the Scottish government has threatened to “send in th’ ba’pipes” to prevent Irish fishermen from fishing the waters around Rockall.

The threat to unleash a “wailing war” in the disputed waters has alarmed international observers, with UN Secretary General António Fishguterres labelling the situation “extremely worrying”.

Bagpipes attack the inner and outer ears simultaneously. They have a range of 20km, can penetrate steel and cause rapid rises in blood pressure, numbing the brain within minutes. No country has ever dared use them in battle.

In a statement yesterday, Scootland’s Minister for Mackerel and War said, “Scootlund wull uise whitevur force needed tae defen’ every las’ crab in oor waters frim fooreign bampo wid heids full o’mince! Res’ assoored we ha’ th’ lungs an’ the oxters fur a lengthy campaign. Ye ken, Jimmy?!”

One Irish trawler owner has vowed to “blast the Wolfe Tones back at them” if the bagpipes are deployed.