February 22, 2024 Craic & Codology

The national broadcaster has announced that it is to offer advertisers a unique opportunity to sponsor its massively generous severance payouts to former executives. In a press release to advertisers, the broadcaster said: “The calls by politicians for RTÉ to publish the details of every senior executive’s exit package since 2016 represents a unique and… Read more »

February 22, 2024 Craic & Codology

By Our Pre-Election Staff SOCIAL PROTECTION minister Heather Humphreys has warmly welcomed her splendidly timed decision to bring forward the extension of child benefit to 18-year-olds in full-time education to May 1. Speaking to Fine Gael supporters last night, she said: “Obviously, up to now, there was no sense of urgency about tackling this issue… Read more »

February 22, 2024 Craic & Codology

The political world has been left reeling by breathtaking reports that a current Fine Gael TD is planning on running for re-election when the country goes to the polls within the next 12 months. This unprecedented move has left the party scrambling to prepare itself to actually field an incumbent. Said one flustered official: “We… Read more »

February 22, 2024 Craic & Codology

RTÉ’s Home of the Year is back with some jaw-dropping projects designed to leave viewers gasping. The highlight of the latest series is likely to be an extensive new build in south central Dublin, which has been under construction since 2016. “This is one of the most lavish projects in the world,” explained on-site manager… Read more »

February 22, 2024 Craic & Codology

Colonoscopy – media up my ass again Incontinence – more shite about me in the media Hypertension – hacks won’t leave me alone Bile – what these reporters come out with Nerve – possessed in abundance by newspaper editors Inflammation – journos poking at old wounds

February 22, 2024 Craic & Codology

By Pa Nic Everyone who values this country’s freedom, peace and democracy will be holding their children closer today in the wake of Sinn Féin’s reckless proposal to grant an amnesty to all those who failed to purchase a TV licence. Allowing these lawless goggleboxarians to walk around as if they have done nothing wrong… Read more »

February 22, 2024 Craic & Codology

PRESIDENT JOE Biden (81) stunned the world of politics last night by saying something relatively sensible during a brief White House press conference. In a defiant response to reporters’ questions, he appeared to clearly remember that this is an election year throughout a gruelling three-minute encounter. At no stage did he refer to Egypt’s current… Read more »

February 22, 2024 Craic & Codology

In common with all other newspapers, following last year’s World Cup, we may have given the impression that the Irish rugby team were an overhyped bunch of posers. In particular, this may have been reinforced by headlines such as ‘FARRELL’S FLOPS HIT ROCK BOTTOM’, ‘IRELAND’S ABYSMAL FRENCH FAILURE’ and ‘AU REVOIR TROPHY CHANCES’. However, following… Read more »

February 22, 2024 Craic & Codology

The joint Oireachtas committee on assisted dying has confirmed it has received numerous expressions of interest from Fine Gael TDs about so-called mercy killings. Several Blueshirt politicians are believed to be facing certain electoral death at the next general election and this has prompted a spate of retirement announcements. However, some experts say allowing deputies… Read more »

February 22, 2024 Craic & Codology

The creative team involved with the ill-fated Toy Show The Musical has moved to distance itself from RTÉ, saying the national broadcaster has been “doomed from the outset”. Embroiled in a non-stop series of disasters, engulfed in controversy and broadcasting a relentless schedule of turgid comedy and drama, RTÉ has become a major embarrassment to… Read more »

February 8, 2024 Craic & Codology

Security has been tightened in the Stormont Estate after staff reported some deeply unusual activity in the building to police, it has been revealed. Following a number of frantic calls, police were alerted to dozens of trespassers, from a number of notorious gangs, entering the long-vacated building. “This assembly hall has been calmly gathering dust… Read more »

February 8, 2024 Craic & Codology

Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary has come in for heavy criticism following news that the airline recently bulk bought dozens of houses. The surprise move was roundly condemned by those working in the construction industry, who feel O’Leary’s initiative could unintentionally destabilise the market. “No one is going to purchase one of my properties if there’s… Read more »

February 8, 2024 Craic & Codology

SENATOR MICHAEL McDowell has again questioned use of the phrase “durable relationship” in the referendum to expand the definition of family. “Unclear wording that’s rushed through the Oireachtas is sure to be a complete disaster. And if anyone knows about bringing in disastrous laws, it’s yours truly.” Integration minister Roderic O’Gormless disagreed, saying: “The expression… Read more »

February 8, 2024 Craic & Codology

Kevin Bakhurst to Ryan Tubridy I know you feel rejected, heartbroken and betrayed And I know you wish that we were not apart But you had to be ejected, cos you were overpaid And like you broke the bank, you’d break my heart The GAA to SuperValu The day you walked me down the aisles… Read more »

February 8, 2024 Craic & Codology

Following on from the launch of Six Nations: Fat Contracts, Netflix has announced the filming of a new series about the Irish rugby team, which will document the side’s stirring Six Nations performances over the next few years, before their inevitable implosion at the 2027 World Cup. “It’s amazing to have full access to a… Read more »

February 8, 2024 Craic & Codology

Calling all failed asylum seekers! Why sleep in a tent and take abuse from Irish racists when you could enjoy an early trip on a Government-funded airline back to the safe, happy paradise you recently escaped from. • Re-live Algeria’s breath-taking civil unrest where terrorism and kidnapping flourish! • Experience again the thrills of predatory criminal… Read more »

February 8, 2024 Craic & Codology

The vape industry has called for a ban on disposable TDs, arguing their vacuous soundbites are having a detrimental effect on younger generations. “Studies have shown most deputies’ promises are a total smokescreen to get them elected,” said a concerned industry insider. “They have an enormous craving for power, a chronic addiction that’s only sated… Read more »

February 8, 2024 Craic & Codology

A devastating shortage of superlatives has been declared in newsrooms around the country as sportswriters struggle to gushingly overhype the Six Nations performance of Joe McCarthy. “We’ve ransacked every thesaurus within reach,” said one exasperated hack dismantling his shrine to Johnny Sexton. “If we don’t secure more hyperbole soon, how will readers know that Joe… Read more »

February 8, 2024 Craic & Codology

Culture minister Catherine Martin has voiced concerns about RTÉ’s plan to scrap the Toy Show The Musical set. She told reporters: “I would like to see a more creative use of the set, which is currently stored in several skips and wheelie bins in Donnybrook. “This historic national structure follows in the proud tradition of… Read more »

February 8, 2024 Craic & Codology

The FAI has announced it is confident of locating a football manager with the slightest interest in taking over Ireland “in the next short while”. The much-sought-after candidate currently helms an U11 club team in Micronesia and expressed his excitement to be working with the likes of Alan Browne and Jayson Molumby. “It has always… Read more »

February 8, 2024 Craic & Codology

RTÉ was facing fresh waves of condemnation last night as an entire day passed without any new scandal emerging from the embattled broadcaster. The worrying non-development saw thousands taking to social media to voice their anger and contempt for the station. Said one poster: “The silence coming from RTÉ today is an insult to every… Read more »

February 8, 2024 Craic & Codology

Dobbo ‘Brian’ Dobson Seen as a safe pair of hands, Dobbo’s vast experience of working with over-paid, vainglorious and often dysfunctional ball hoppers has seen his reputation rocket across football’s managerial market place in recent years. Watch this space.