GUINNESS marketing executives have claimed that the launch of Guinness Clear (0% Alcohol, 100% Bullshit) means anything is now possible.
The new product is the latest brand from Diageo’s experimental Open Chequebook Brewery, where many products aimed exclusively at hipsters have been developed to varying degrees of success. Lagers such as Cool Mountain Cash-In and the IPA (Incredibly Profitable Ale) Wallet Stretcher have, however, failed to deliver the number of new easy-spending, bearded customers that had been anticipated.
“When we couldn’t come up with an obvious sure-fire money-spinning marketing concept, we toyed with the idea of developing a really delicious beer, but that didn’t last too long. In the end, it had been staring us in the face all along!”
It turns out that the best Guinness marketing minds combined to effect what they call “a paradigm shift”, resulting in the creation or “evolution” of Guinness Clear. With just one ingredient – it really is 100% bullshit – the “gamechanger” aims to convince drinkers that Guinness wants to keep them hydrated and in control. “If they swallow that,” explained the marketing master, “they’ll swallow the rest of our guff without question. The sky’s the limit.”