November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

In a shock move the Taoiseach, Endless Kenny, has announced that members of the army will be used to prevent a sudden rush by the electorate to withdraw large numbers of TDs at the next election. “I know this from speaking to a man I met on the main street in Castlebar recently,” commented Mr…. Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

Cuddly Michel de Loverly is to appear on Strictly Come Dancing following a poll of readers of Modern Man magazine. De Loverly, who plays bridge at the weekends with his granny, is said to be delighted with the good news. De Loverly told Take A Break magazine, “I’ve always wanted to be on Strictly and… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

by Our Health Staff Dr Strangelove It’s official. Reports about the dangers of eating red meat products are bad for consumers. The latest survey has found conclusive evidence that warnings about consuming sausages, bacon, hamburgers and reading scary newspaper articles are guaranteed to make you ill and shorten your life by “up to 20 years”…. Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

The Labour Party has again dismissed Sinn Féin’s Right2Change transfer pact with Independent candidates, and has urged voters not to “be taken in” by the strategy. A spokesman for the party warns, “You know what these lefty types are like – one day it’s all about ‘helping the poor’, and then as soon as they… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

TÁNAISTE Joan Burton says “there is no doubt” that Labour environment minister Alan Kelly and FG finance minister Michael Noonan will reach a deal on rent certainty in due course. “Mr. Noonan is a very clever politician who is great with sums and Alan whatsisname is a very talented listener who is also great at…… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

Latest Syrian talks Sir, – May I be the first to welcome my latest initiative in Vienna to invite all the interested parties to bring about a lasting solution to the war in Syria. If all goes well, UN observers will be allowed to remain in the country, unhindered in their efforts to stand by… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

In Colm Tóibín’s 180th edition of this riproaring novel, the author himself plays hero, villain, supporting actors and stand-ins. He also directs the movie and does the voice overs. Writing in The Irish Times, Tóibín says, “It’s my best rehash yet but I’m planning my next outing Brooklyn – The Monster Returns, Leaves and Returns… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

by Our Boxing Staff Phil Ring VINCENT BROWNE: By far the most suitable replacement, in his opinion. Vinny is known for dishing out remorseless punishment – particularly to viewers of his TV3 show. LUCINDA CREIGHTON: Well-experienced in political spats, Lucy has fought many battles – though may find amateur boxing slightly tame compared to Fine… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

1. Old Stories Of the Rising (Vol 1) by Joe Duffy (Old Rope Press) 2. Callers To Liveline Edited by J. Duffy (Recycled Books) 3. Joe Duffy’s Book Of Traditional 1916 Xmas Recipes (Guff House) 4. Rashers Tierney and Me: The Untold Story by Joe Duffer (Nostalgia Publications) 5. The A-Z Of 1916 Bandwagon Spin-Offs… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

Football pundit Eamo Grumpy has criticised Republic of Ireland manager Martin O’Neill’s squad selection ahead of the Euro 2016 play-off against Bosnia & Herzegovina. “It’s an absolute scandal that Wes Hoolahan is only mentioned once in this squad,” slammed the controversial critic yesterday. “Here we have a player who can literally make a football talk,… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

The Genius Of Paddy Cosgrave Introduction On How To Bonk A Bean Bag by Apple Executives Why Isn’t The Wifi Working? Is There Too Much Hot Air About The Tech Industry? How We’re Going To Piss Off The Portuguese Why Are Tech Multinationals Being Fleeced By The Taxman? Which Pub Will We Head To? Moaning… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

THE LATEST UFC Fight Night in Dublin was marred by a “few mindless idiots”, organisers said. UFC Dublin took place at the 3Arena where the crowd was treated to the best of Mixed Martial Arts bouts, including five Irish fighters in action. However, after they witnessed defeats for Cathal ‘The Punisher’ Pendred and Paddy ‘The… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

MARTIN O’NEILL says he will learn lessons from Ireland’s dismal Rugby World Cup showing when it comes to the Euro play-offs against Bosnia-Herzegovina. “We’ve studied the videos closely and identified a number of excuses we can use after we’ve been beaten,” said O’Neill. “Joe Schmidt is meticulous and left no stone unturned when it came… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

By Our Rugby Corr, Gerry Thorny An emotional Joe Schmidt has stated he is determined to find new ways for the Irish rugby team to underachieve following their World Cup exit. “There are a lot of tired minds in that dressing room,” said Schmidt. “The boys are trying to figure out the connotations for sponsorship… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

By Our Political Staff Dee Sade A huge storm erupted yesterday after it emerged that the CIA has been using Westlife’s music to torture prisoners in Afghanistan. The news has prompted an outcry from ex-members of the group An angry Shane Filan last night told reporters: “This is an absolute outrage that has caused untold pain… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

Following on from the Westlife CIA torture revelations, it has been further disclosed that the intelligence agency are programming the 2FM daytime schedules. “The fact that 2FM tortures listeners with dross like Westlife, as well as presenters like Eoghan McDermott and Jennifer Maguire, is clear evidence that the station has been infiltrated by CIA agents,”… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

1. Paul O’Connell: The Biography (Vol 1), the only officially authorised biography, by Mike Madeup 2. My Pal, Paulie, by his only authorised best friend, Brian ‘Drico’ O’Driscoll 3. The Paul O’Connell I Never Knew, the opening volume in a trilogy by assorted hangers-on 4. Lock, Stock And Barrel, the unofficial book of risqué rugby… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

Odd 1 Out – One of these guys has absolutely no ball handling experience whatsoever. Can you guess which one? Here’s a clue: He doesn’t play for Goldman Sachs 3rds or speak like an Australian with his head stuck in a lavatory. He knows about as much about rugby as Paul O’Connell knows about men’s… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

by Our Dáil Staff Miriam Lurid Speculation has continued about the controversial “punching” gesture which Enda Kenny made while Sinn Féin’s Mary Lou McDonald was speaking in the Dáil. Experts in interpreting body language have suggested that the Taoiseach’s repetitive hand movement may have been a desperate attempt at anger management – particularly as Deputy… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

RUSSIA AND THE USA have come to an agreement over bombing sorties in the Middle East. Tensions had escalated between the nations after Syria had agreed to allow Russia to ‘have a go at Isis’. However, President Obama was against this from the outset, saying that Russia shouldn’t be acting like world police. Now it… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

Who are you?! Sir, – I wish to communicate with the three men in trenchcoats who were walking some 50 paces behind me for over 900 metres in Dublin city centre at 3.27 last Friday. I also want to hear from the waiter who loitered at my table for a solid 25 seconds longer than was… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

By Our US Election Staff Phil Paper Following the televised debate in Eastwick, Minnesota, front-runner Hillary Clinton’s lead in the Democratic presidential primary race has soared. According to polls, Clinton is now backed by 97% of Democratic primary voters nationally, compared to 2% for Vermont Senator, Bernie Sanders. In the so-called swing states, the former… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

By Our Religious Staff Conor Pope His Holiness, Pope Francis, has again asked forgiveness for recent sex scandals which have reportedly taken place at the Vatican. “I’m really sorry that some critics of Mother Church are interested in spreading a lot of non-stories which may or may not have happened back in the day,” said… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

THE DALAI Lama and Patrick Guinness have been chosen to judge the controversial Miss Bikini Ireland competition. The men were selected after their recent comments about women. The chief man in Buddhism said that if there was a female Dalai Lama reincarnation, she would have to be attractive or else she wouldn’t be “much use”,… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

A housebound single male parent reflects… “Having prayed for seven hours for seven days in the seven weeks prior to the budget, I felt sure that the finance minister would listen to the advice of a Greater Power and provide some relief for people in my circumstances. While the mothers of my three children gain… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

I Thou shalt not have other Godforsaken people before US! II Thou shalt not take the name of me and the others who lord it over you in vain. III Remember the name of the street and keep it wholly amongst ourselves. IV Honour your father and your mother’s revulsion. V Thou shalt not kill… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

Howayez, What’s the story? We’re only getting about 6000 ads a half and we’re missin so many extra moolah-makin opportunities. We need to think outside the box – oh sorry, I mean the 22 (f***in’ hate this bleedin’ posh sport!) So here’s me suggestions to get more logos/commercials onto the telly: 1 Keith Wood’s Head… Read more »

November 6, 2015 Craic & Codology

Dress up like MICK WALLACE and scare the bejaysus out of half of the Northern Ireland Assembly. A SHANE LONG mask that will have 80 millions Germans shaking with fear SEAN O’BRIEN – Attack a Frenchie and get off (almost) scot-free DENIS O’BRIEN WIG & (LAW) SUIT – Send a shiver down journalists’ spinesWESTLIFE COSTUMES –… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

by Yvonne Connolly Apart from being one of the country’s most beautiful and incredibly talented models, I’ve always been a highly intuitive person who has a lot to give. Of course, my glamorous Boyzone marriage brought its own pressure, but I was lucky enough able to take the whole celebrity roller-coaster in my stride. But… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

US Presidential hopeful Deez Nuts has ruled out taking a role in the Irish Cabinet. The 15-year-old has gained surprising traction for his candidacy, polling at up to 9% in one state, but has insisted a post in Enda Kenny’s government is not in the offing. “I don’t want my election bid to be derailed… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

This week, top nutritionist Dr. Paschal Donohoe offers some food for thought on how to prevent pain and ruination in Ireland. As a doctor I am oft en asked, “Doc, what dietary recommendation have you to reduce high blood pressure, prevent heart attacks and help people to avoid sudden shock syndrome?” Well, fi rst we… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

Medical authorities last night cautioned that female Viagra stories may lead to exhaustion amongst males who struggle to keep pace with the exciting development. The warnings come as three hacks were found collapsed over their desks in the early hours of the morning as they tried to meet the paper’s demand on their prowess. “The… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

The euro’s future was again heading towards jeopardy last night, after Greece warned Germany to “get its act together” over bailout funding. The warning followed increasing uncertainty amongst German politicians, before the country’s parliament agreed to allow the ESM provide a third bailout. “To be honest, we are getting a bit fed up with these… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

Calls were growing last night for political ‘marriages of convenience’ to be outlawed. The demands come amidst increasing public anger that such arrangements are merely sham exercises where one or both parties merely want to secure residency in Leinster House. Critics say in many cases the ‘partners’ often speak a different language to ordinary Irish… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

TRINITY Hipster Studies Theory and Practice of Hipsterism (formerly Takeaway Psychology). Introduction to socio-political relevance of big beards, vintage and thrift shop clothes, shiny brown shoes, braces, tattoos, alternative music and pretentious views about organic food. UCD Sleep Management Open-ended distant learning analysis (replacing Shopping Centre Studies) comprising cultural impact of sleep, duvet dependency, use… Read more »

September 5, 2015 Craic & Codology

■ Compulsory wearing of baseball caps 24/7 ■ Obama to be tried for not committing any war crimes ■ America to invade some place ■ Sarah Palin’s birthday to be a national holiday ■ Kick Putin’s ass