CARTOONS 3806-03
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
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CARTOONS 3806-04
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
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CARTOONS 3806-05
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
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CARTOONS 3806-06
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
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CARTOONS 3806-07
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
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CARTOONS 3806-08
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
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CARTOONS 3806-09
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
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CARTOONS 3806-10
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
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CARTOONS 3806-11
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
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CARTOONS 3806-12
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
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CARTOONS 3806-13
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
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CARTOONS 3806-14
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
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VARADKAR READDRESSES THE NATION
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
Citizens of Ireland, Greetings again. You might notice the change in background of this broadcast. Well, I’m currently self-isolating in my Shomera. I have recently had it varnished and the fumes are still very, very strong, so I will be brief. Senior doctors advised me to cocoon, to protect me from exposure to more criticism…. Read more »
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PANDEMIC LEXICON
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
Covid-19: New respiratory virus; it is caused by a germ known as coronavirus. Cronyvirus: Sickening political practice where close associates are appointed to positions of authority, despite their obvious lack of qualifications. Self-isolation: State of near total seclusion, often experienced by RTÉ late-afternoon radio presenters. Shelf-isolation: Removal of all soap, sanitiser gel, pasta etc from busy… Read more »
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OZONE 3806
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology, Ozone
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FESTY O’SEMTEX 3806
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology, Festy O'Semtex
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THE LEO-LECTRIC KETTLE
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
Why wait until it’s all over? Buy the Covid-19 memento that everyone will want NOW and ensure that you, your children and your children’s genetically adjusted test-tube children have the ultimate keepsake for the future when the crisis is fondly recalled! Our ‘Leo-lectric’ kettles do not merely bear the full text of the Taoiseach’s Churchillian… Read more »
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NEW SANITISER CRISIS
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
A new crisis has emerged due to the number of sanitised speeches and press releases coming from the government. It is believed that Paschal Donohoe, Regina Doherty and Heather Humphreys are among those infected. “We’re currently advising people to avoid any media appearances made by these individuals,” warned a HSE official. “Stay at least six… Read more »
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HOME ALONE!
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
Agony uncle Jack Torrance’s guide to quarantine with your family Day 1 It’s good to be emotionally prepared for these extended periods in familiar surroundings, but nothing beats spending quality time with loved ones. A rare opportunity to combine working from home, a little gardening and really getting to know your soulmate and children, who… Read more »
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FINE GAEL JIGSAW
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
Make your time in quarantine a quaran-dream with this licensed Fine Gael jigsaw. Help put these men, usually in pieces themselves, back together. Jigsaws are proven to help alleviate: Anxiety Stress Existential fear of society as we know it disintegrating To be in with a chance of winning your own monogrammed ventilator, send a photo… Read more »
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HARRIS SAVES THE DAY
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
“We must all ask ourselves what we can do to help one another,” said Simon Harris at a press conference called to address the shortages of toilet paper. “After some reflection I realised what I could do, as health minister, to provide the greatest assistance.” Harris then unveiled a roll of toilet paper, each sheet… Read more »
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CORONA STYLE CORNER
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
18th century fashion to make dramatic return Still wondering how to maintain social distancing now that we are being ruled by King Covid the 19th? Look no further than the Court of Versailles in the mid 18th century, says social media influencer Golly Gosh. “From the mid 18th century, the fashions maximised your circumference, rather… Read more »
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FRONT RUNNERS FOR JOE BIDEN RUNNING MATE
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
Uncle Joe here (Where have I heard that name before? Ed.) Now that I’ve clawed the Democratic candidacy from the leftist hands of Sanders, I’ll introduce you to the lovely ladies that I’m considering as my running mate. Annie Boddies: The former Ms Texas Barbecutie is hugely knowledgeable on foreign affairs, having had several with… Read more »
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WOMAN EXPECTING SECOND BABY
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology
Exclusive to all Tabloids In a sensational press release that has sent shock waves throughout Ireland’s celebrity world, a woman who already has one young child revealed that she is pregnant again. On Other Pages: Full colour pics of blonde woman in bikini – p2-7 Readers experiencing nausea and morning sickness – p8-23 World as… Read more »
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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3806
March 26, 2020 Craic & Codology, Spot the Difference
Joe Biden Donald Trump Man who was vice president Man who has many vices Served with Barack Obama Always barracking about Obama Lives in Delaware Lives in his own reality Presumptive nominee Presumed to have colluded with Russia No spring chicken Only eats fried chicken Will campaign in rust belt Regularly caught with pants down… Read more »
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4 ESSENTIAL QUESTIONS ANSWERED ABOUT COVID-19
March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology
How worried should I be about the virus? We are still in the early stages of identifying successful treatments for the virus. In the absence of a vaccine, an overabundance of information is the next best thing. You should endeavour to consume as many fear-mongering, hyperbolised articles to help inoculate yourself against complacency. How dangerous… Read more »
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GIANT HAND-GEL DISPENSING FLOAT UNVEILED AHEAD OF PATRICK’S DAY PARADE
March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology
The HSE has revealed its proposed float for the Patrick’s Day parade – a vast grain silo, adapted to fit thousands of gallons of hand gel affixed to the back of a former missile-carrier, purchased from an ex-Soviet state. The vehicle was intended to shower any nearby crowds with anti-bacterial gel to try to nullify… Read more »
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TV PREVIEW: THE GUARDS – INSIDE THE SQUAD
March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology
Episode 2: When the chips are down Fascinating insight into how Ireland’s finest deal with tragedy as a sudden braking manoeuvre causes an entire chicken supper and French fries to scatter on to the floor and between the seats. It’s a race against time before the cold air renders them unpalatable. The situation calls for… Read more »
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NEW EURO PLAYOFF SHOCK
March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology
By Emmet Baloney Amid speculation that Ireland’s crunch Euro playoff against Slovakia may have to be played behind closed doors due to coronavirus fears, there is now additional concern that Ireland may not turn up for the fixture. However, team boss Mick ‘Big Mick’ McCarthy has dismissed rumours that the team’s possible no-show is linked… Read more »
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GOLD CUP CHELTENHAM FRONTRUNNERS
March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology
Goldhawk examines some of the favourites for this year’s Cheltenham festival: The Pianist Owned by Ireland’s most high-profile powerless couple, Frank McNamara and Theresa Lowe. The Pianist has been having a complete ‘mare over recent years and still has many hurdles to face. Verdict: Don’t bet the house on him. Are You Right There Michael… Read more »
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SIR BOB’S…YAWN…UPCOMING MEMOIRS
March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology
May 1952 Speaking as an angry baby, I am utterly disgusted by the total power imbalance apropos all these corrupt parental establishment fookers. I may know little about the world per se, but I know what it’s like to be bald and helpless, so I will make my presence felt day and night by non-stop… Read more »
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ARMAGEDDON OUTTAHERE!
March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology
Eoghan Harass Talk about crypto-fascist chickens coming home to roost! Everything I predicted about the Satanic Shinners is coming to pass. The warning signs were there in the run-up to the recent election. Massive murals of Mary Lou McDonald and her conniving associates suddenly appeared overnight, making our capital look ominously like Pyongyang. Over recent… Read more »
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HSE EXPECTS SURGE IN CASES
March 12, 2020 Craic & Codology
“The number of people infected with the virus has been roughly doubling week by week in most affected countries,” said health minister Simon Harris. “Now, I’ll be the first to admit that maths isn’t my forte,” he continued, unveiling a hastily constructed graph, “But if this rate of exponential growth continues, within approximately 10 weeks,… Read more »
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PAPAL BULL(ETIN)
February 27, 2020 Craic & Codology
Greetings from your ultra-liberal Pontiff. What freak weather events for the flock in Ireland. Yes, it is rare for God to comment on political matters, but I can tell you that he has verily expressed his views at the awful post-election tedium. But why have voters turned away from the Earl of Ross? An all-round… Read more »
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MY BRILLIANT CAREER – SHANE ROSS
February 27, 2020 Craic & Codology
Extracts from the upcoming ‘tell all’ book about political life in Ireland April 2011 – I was barely inside Leinster House when Enda came begging for my advice on running the country. Despite his countless limitations, Kenny sensed that I had the necessary flair to rescue Ireland’s richest citizens from the doldrums. July 2016 –… Read more »
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CRISIS LOOMS FOR IRELAND’S BEST OPINION COLUMNISTS
February 27, 2020 Craic & Codology
Since the election there has been much political hand-wringing over the plights of assorted vulnerable groups, including cash-strapped renters, the cash-strapped homeless and the cash-strapped homed. However, among the pleas for parties to set aside their petty differences and form a government, it seems that the fate of one exposed but absolutely essential minority is… Read more »
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