March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Nature scientists say an erot… er erratic mating ritual between two species of monkey business in Ireland’s political jungle may take some time to conclude, if at all. The tribes, known as Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael, have almost identical DNA and generally ape each other. Both groups claim to be top of the tree… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

It’s impossible these days to appear on television in a glamorous outfit, discussing the plight of Syrian refugees, without attracting a torrent of online abuse. I am simply trying to fulfil my role as a leading spokesperson on international affairs – whilst appearing on TV3’s essential light entertainment programme The Seven O’Clock Show – and… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

POLITICIANS FROM across the Dail divide are to come together to introduce urgent legislation to prevent a possible catastrophe. While the nation awaits for the various parties to come to agreement over the formation of a new Government, a special Dail sitting has been arranged to rush through a vital new law. Without the new… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Transdev, the company that runs the Luas, has warned that they may use robots to drive the tram system if industrial problems continue. A proposed strike for St Patrick’s Day was called off but the threat of other work stoppages still remains. A spokesman said: “While the drivers are highly skilled, we think we have… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Joe Duffy: James, you say you’ve been mugged! Caller: Too feckin’ right I have! JD: Do you know who did it to you? Caller: Yeah – ’Twas a gang of overpaid loudmouths! JD: What else do you know about them? I mean, is there any other information that you could provide us with… Caller: Everything…. Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

As this proud nation prepares to commemorate the men and women of 1916, those brave martyrs could never have imagined how magnificent would be the celebrations marking their sacrifices (Great angle – Ed.) Back in 1916, the poor, downtrodden people of Ireland could barely muster a firework between them, let alone a weekend of throat-rattling… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

FIANNA FÁIL has welcomed the news that rent prices in Dublin are back to 2007 levels and said “we’ll take it from here”. The Soldiers of Destiny were in charge leading up to the economic crisis that engulfed the country a while back and are adamant they are the best party to lead the new… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

“We, the young people of Ireland, proclaim a new republic which will be a big improvement on what we have at present – which wouldn’t actually be hard. For a start, the Second Irish Republic will be completely entitled to free schools that are much more relatable, including Xbox Studies, so that we can have… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

On Podium outside GPO (Underneath special 1916 Mural depicting Irish tricolour, Harp Logo, sponsored by Starbucks) President Higgins, Ms Panti Bliss, Mr Joe Dubby and Mrs Brown’s Boys 1st Fine Gael Leadership Bandwagon Dr Vlad Varadkar, Ms Frances Fitzgerald, Pascal Donohope and Simon Croney all smiling broadly and grabbing one another by the throat 2nd… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

THERE was widespread disquiet within Irish political circles yesterday after the acting Taoiseach Enda Kenny told reporters that he would work in coalition with like-minded individuals to establish lasting and stable government. “While everybody is in full agreement that Enda means well and loves travelling around the world meeting proper politicians,” said one prominent member… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Smells Like Irish Water Money Work (On Behalf Of Irish Water) Uptown Pipe Repairs He Ain’t Heavy, He’s My Brother (Who’s Been Tossed Around By A Cow)  

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

A new government is expected to be formed by 2050 at the earliest, it has emerged. The revelation comes as both Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil continue to seek backing for minority administrations, involving the Greens, numerous rural Independent TDs, and anyone they happened to run into during the week. The latest offering from FG… Read more »

March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Our Irish Corr, Phil Glass Medical staff say they are “100% ready”, as the Irish nation once again prepares to celebrate the Welshman who brought the message of peace, forgiveness and prayer to their land. “All our doctors and nurses, including transplant surgeons and theatre staff, are ready for whatever challenges await us on… Read more »

March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology

Guests who attended a party in a house in Banbridge, NI, where local curate Fr Crossan allegedly snorted cocaine and sported Nazi paraphernalia, insist they have “no concerns” about the priest’s activities. “Nobody’s perfect,” says one partygoer. “Just because he is associated with the Vatican doesn’t mean he should be regarded with suspicion, or judged… Read more »

March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology

Money’s Too Tight To Mention I Just Called To Say I Love You (And I’ve Gone Bankrupt) All You Need Is Love – And Millions Of Euro Money (That’s What I Want) All Out Of Love – And Cash Jive Talkin’ On Dragons’ Den

March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Phil Graves It was revealed yesterday that official arrangements have been drawn up for a full state funeral for the country’s former Labour Party. As the news spread, thousands of hard-pressed householders took to the streets to approve the funeral plans which were warmly welcomed as an appropriate tribute to the late… Read more »

March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology

US PRESIDENTIAL hopeful Donald Trump has announced details of his plan to build a wall along the border with Mexico. The Republican candidate wants to cut off illegal immigration into the US and to deport the millions of undocumented Mexicans who live and work in the States. Trump said: “This is a foolproof plan –… Read more »

March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology

Twink has lashed out at would-be robbers after thieves failed to target her home in the last two weeks. The panto star, aged 85-95, was the victim of a burglary at her modest mansion in south Dublin recently, but is going through a dry spell at the moment. The softly spoken actress is outraged that… Read more »

March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology

MON: The savage discrimination against me started the first minute I was viciously bundled into Portlaoise. The gov (governor) was all smiles as though he owned the place, shaking my hand, and saying “I hope you will be very comfortable here, Thomas,” and “Just let me know if there’s anything at all you need”. The… Read more »

March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Our Crime Corr, Gall Williams Concern was growing last night over the wellbeing of a party of people who were subjected to “a savage kicking up, down and across the country” last week. The group, who referred to themselves as “a Labour party”, had earlier been seen walking the streets of the country and… Read more »

March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology

KATE O’CONNELL Elected for Fine Gael in Dublin Bay South, O’Connell ran on a platform of fresh political thinking and not being Lucinda Creighton. Has acute understanding of working class issues, including the urgent need for increased quinoa in suburban cafes.     LISA CHAMBERS Securing a seat in Mayo, Chambers campaigned for a fairer… Read more »

March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology

As the two major political groupings in the State, Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil hereby agree to put aside their traditional differences and cobble together some vague aspirations about working responsibly in the national interest. This will involve the usual meaningless platitudes aimed at stimulating growth and maintaining stability. Our radical Programme for Government will… Read more »

March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology

Houses of the Oireachtas to relocate to Cork All written and oral references to the years 2009-11 to be erased from archives Roy Keane installed as Ceann Comhairle Enda Kenny to hold door open until all Fianna Fáil TDs have entered the chamber Leave our shoes in the hallway after you’ve finished the polishing, Baldy… Read more »

March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology

Fine Gael supporters are to be allowed pay water charges for as long as they like under a new arrangement between FG and Fianna Fáil. The deal was hammered out over hours of intense negotiations and follows on from Simon Coveney’s Prime Time gaffe. “Things were tipping along fine up to the election, so we’re… Read more »

March 9, 2016 Craic & Codology

UFC fighter Conor McGregor has dismissed rumours that he will seek a nomination for Taoiseach following his loss to Nate Diaz in Las Vegas. Speculation had grown that Fine Gael would approach McGregor to replace Enda Kenny as leader and head of a new government, but the controversial star has said there is no substance… Read more »

February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology

JONNY SEXTON has released a statement to alleviate fears that he is continuing to play despite a series of concussion-related injuries. The Ireland flyhalf has been withdrawn during both of Ireland’s Six Nations games so far. He said, “I want to assure fans that I’m 110% fine. My memory is perfect. The knocks I took… Read more »

February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology

There was widespread anger in the GAA last night after it emerged that a rock concert is being rescheduled to accommodate a match in Croke Park. It had been assumed that the GAA HQ would exclusively host rock gigs and American football games throughout the summer, but a spokesman for the association insisted that the… Read more »

February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology

MEMBERS OF the audience during a recent Ray D’Arcy show were said to be disgusted when Nicky Byrne was introduced by the host – only for the real Nicky Byrne to come on. D’Arcy had previously announced that Jack Nicholson was a guest on his show, but a Nicholson impersonator appeared instead. So when Byrne… Read more »

February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology

Garda Commissioner Nóirín O’Sullivan has warned Dublin’s criminal fraternity that her office will “hold as many news conferences at it takes” to rid the capital of gangland crime. “The situation remains top priority and even as we speak I am heading for the make-up room before appearing on a major news bulletin!” assured the top… Read more »

February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology

Best Make-up Artist Enda Kenny in Star Bores for regurgitating any old guff about keeping the recovery going               Best Female Supporting Role Joan Burton for constantly denying the dismal poll findings in The Hateful 8%             The Revenant Award Michael Ring for his… Read more »

February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology

Bienvenida, amigos. What a week. I am saddened to the very ventricles of my papal soul that the flock on the street should be shocked that a full-blooded pumped-up pontiff like the late great John Paul II has been writing love letters to a mature woman of the opposite sex. So much for the myth… Read more »

February 25, 2016 Craic & Codology

In common with all other publications, we may recently have given the impression that we believed the Irish rugby team was on the cusp of becoming the greatest squad ever assembled in the history of sport. This view may have been reinforced by headlines such as, “Schmidt’s Titans to Triumph” and “Super Schmidtonians to Rewrite… Read more »