April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

Feast of sound bites Lashings of waffle Load of cod Pie in the sky Just a trifle boring!

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

Garda sergeants and inspectors say they are not at all happy with current deployment policies within the force. “As first responders dealing with the constant threat of radical extremism and international terrorism, the lads need to be equipped with air-to-ground missiles fired by aerial drones and low-yield nuclear weapons,” said a spokesman yesterday. Following their… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

Hens across the country have reacted angrily to remarks by an unidentified senior garda that the force would be reduced to responding “like headless chickens” in the event of a terrorist attack. Visibly perturbed, a free range Rhode Island Red in Wexford says she is, “sick and tired of having my brood associated with the… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

“As you know, I have been widely applauded for releasing details of my tax returns and have now proven beyond doubt that I have nothing at all to worry about as regards my finances. Personally, I feel very lucky to have had a supportive family that taught me to appreciate the important things in life,… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

AMY SCHUMER and Sacha Baron Cohen have volunteered Bono to go to Syria to fight Isis. Last week the U2 frontman suggested to a US Senate sub-committee that the best way to combat radical Islam is to laugh at them and suggested that the two comedians be sent over to split their sides. However, Schumer… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

In revelations that have surprised commentators on both sides of the Irish Sea, it has emerged that Queen Elizabeth II has replied to thousands of letters from Irish children asking her to take back the 26 counties. Confirming the news, a spokesman for Buckingham Palace says, “Her Majesty receives hundreds of such letters every day… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

1st April 2016 Dear Brendan, The Queen has asked me to thank you for your recent letter in which you wished to tell Her Majesty that you have been studying the rules of the Irish Labour Party and would like The Queen to arrange a coronation for you as leader. While it was thoughtful of… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

1. Head in clouds 2. Nose the game is up 3. Cheek (plenty of) 4. Brass neck 5. Ears open to overtures from Fine Gael 6. Watching back for leadership challenges 7. Keeping an eye on Brendan Howlin, Alan Kelly etc 8. Two fingers to media critics

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

In common with all other publications, we may have given the impression that Katie Taylor was an unbeatable athlete whose like had not previously been seen on Earth. Headlines such as “Champ Katie Smashes Opposition”, “Heroic Taylor Continues Winning Streak” and “Katie Taylor Is Unbeatable” may have reinforced this view. However, following Ms Taylor’s historic… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

Acting Taoiseach Endless Kenny has denied being in denial over the result of the recent general election. “We won,” he announced emphatically. “A woman I met in Castlebar the other day with a ballot box under one arm and Michael Ring in a headlock under the other arm, told me I should keep having general… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

By our political correspondent Dick Shunairy The country’s two largest political parties yesterday agreed on a historic new term. After three weeks of intensive talks, and following the demise of the term “fiscal space”, the Fianna Fail and Fine Gael negotiating teams have agreed that this new term – “fresh modalities” – should last another… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

In a major breakthrough in the current political impasse, parties from all sides last night reached agreement on a programme that will prolong the confusion for several more weeks. “This document offers a clear path out of the present logjam and into another one,” commented one Independent, who early yesterday offered his definitive support for… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

American Presidential candidate Donald Trump says he “fully endorses” Ireland boss Martin O’Neill’s assertion that only “really attractive” WAGS will be allowed access to his squad’s hotel during Euro 2016 in France. “It’s about time someone spoke out about women in an open, honest and enlightened way, and this guy O’Neill sounds like a wise… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

RTE have confirmed that 2FM boss Dan Healy is to undergo ear surgery “as soon as possible.” The station chief claimed that other radio stations were not playing Nicky Byrne’s Eurovision-bound song ‘Sunlight’ because the singer is a disc jockey with the national broadcaster. A spokesman said: “Yeah, we don’t think it’s too serious but… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Cath O’Strophic Heaven, Hell and the Celtic gods of yore will rain down tongues of fire, unleash giant rats onto the streets and convert the seas to acid if Irish Water is abolished, according to legal opinion supplied to the beleaguered water agency. “And that’s just day one – expect plague, earthquakes and the… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

MEMBERS OF the UK football media are questioning their very existence after failing to break the spirits of Liverpool boss Jurgen Klopp. The German took over at Anfield last October – a whopping six months ago – and is still in good form, even being seen laughing and joking at press conferences. “It makes you… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

AER LINGUS have revealed the real reason that Arthur Lanigan-O’Keefe was thrown off a domestic flight. The Olympic hopeful, who competes in the modern pentathlon, was removed from a flight on his way to a competition. The airline said: “We saw the doubled-barrelled name and one of the flight crew got suspicious. We checked out… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

MARTIN O’NEILL has welcomed news that Euro 2016 bosses have increased security measures for the tournament, saying “I’ll need all the help I can to keep Paul McShane away.” The Reading captain starred for Slovakia in the 2-2 draw with Ireland last week and is now a doubt to make the squad for the summer… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Joe Hannesburg Irish politicians on all sides have hailed South Africa’s embracement of democracy, following a ruling by the country’s highest court that President Jacob Zuma had violated the constitution, by refusing to pay back millions of dollars in public funds spent on improvements to his house. The property included a luxurious house and… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Our Education Staff – Will Phail Young teachers who entered the profession since 2012 are being treated as “galley slaves”, according to a spokesperson for the National Association of Secondary Teachers of Ireland (NASTI). “It now looks as though we will have no alternative but to take industrial action over the coming months,” warned 26-year-old… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Ian de Slammer, Dining Correspondent Arriving at le Mount de Joy to sample the new revamped prison menus, we are shown to our seats by a smartly dressed staff member in pristine blue uniform. The surrounding decor by the by once-fashionable French designer Alain Shattiér is at once both simple and pretentious with more… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

Gardaí say “political action is urgently needed” to stem the rise in threats to murder, assault or harass from the public. The latest figures show an increase from 15,164 in 2014 to 16,948 last year. “I’m afraid our politicians are simply not doing enough. More of them need to resign to stop people feeling murderous,”… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

1916 Souvenir Edition ATTACK UNLIKELY TO HAVE LASTING SIGNIFICANCE Dublin has experienced one of its darkest ever weeks after British soldiers – many of them armed with little else other than machineguns – were attacked by Irish rebels in a cowardly assault. Sickening scenes of violence were visible near the Irish Times offices, with one… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

Labour Election Latest Ireland held its breath yesterday as the power-battle to succeed veteran Joan Burton began. By late last night, an astonishing six party TDs had let it be known that they were all jostling for the influential position that comes with the title “Labour Leader”. They include: • Brendan Howling, 69, the dark… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

Leicester City are leading the Premiership but it’s nil-all in Dáil Éireann. The stalemate between Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael has extra time and penalties written all over it. The question is, will there be a government in place by the time Euro 2016 kicks off? At this rate, we’ll be lucky to have one… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

An appeal has been issued to trace a 42-year-old man who has been missing from the airwaves since this morning. Diarmaid Ferriter is described as 12 inches tall from the middle of his neck to the top of his head. He was last seen on an RTÉ bulletin at 8am commenting about something or other…. Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

Enda’s rural broadband distribution plan continues In his latest bid to form a stable government by attracting support from minor parties and Independent TDs, acting Taoiseach Enda Kenny has vowed that, “every school and crèche in Ireland will have its own bar by 2020.” The commitment comes after the Fine Gael leader promised fast speed… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff – Toady Corcoran JUST A short month ago, it all looked so promising as we filled our front page with news stories about the likely shape of the next government. Readers were offered regular “New Type of Politics” articles full of eager anticipation about constitutional reform and a power-sharing arrangement between FF… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

WB Yeats has hit out at RTÉ and Sir Knob Geldof for almost “entirely omitting me and my poems from a show about me”. At a press conference yesterday in The Poet’s Corner pub on the Isle of Inisfree, the poet said ,“I wouldn’t have taken up poetry if I knew an imbecile like Bob… Read more »

April 7, 2016 Craic & Codology

A leading business figure revealed to have links to dozens of offshore companies in the Panama Papers has vehemently protested his innocence. Mike Dodgy was shown to have interests in companies registered in the Bahamas, the Seychelles and several other locations around the globe, but when contacted last night, insisted that his inclusion in the… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

MK Dons midfielder and former Ireland under-21 international Samir Carruthers is in line for a sensational call up to the senior squad for Euro 2016 after impressing manager Martin O’Neill during a run-out at Cheltenham. The player featured prominently during the festival and was described by many commentators as “well able to hold his own… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Correspondent – Martin Wail As talks about the formation of a new government continue, leading Independent Alliance member Shane Ross has confirmed that he will insist on “the strictest conditions” before supporting either of the two big parties. “Yes, I’ve made it perfectly clear that I will only work alongside like-minded principled people… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Farewell then, Paul Daniels I half liked your deception But not a lot As you used to say But this is an exception So well done, fair play No smoke and mirrors as once feared This time you really have Disappeared TV LISTINGS 24 Hours In A&E: Documentary about the average amount of time patients… Read more »

March 24, 2016 Craic & Codology

Nature scientists say an erot… er erratic mating ritual between two species of monkey business in Ireland’s political jungle may take some time to conclude, if at all. The tribes, known as Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael, have almost identical DNA and generally ape each other. Both groups claim to be top of the tree… Read more »