May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

  PAUL McGUINNESS’S iPHONE PLAYLIST I Just Called Mossack Fonseca To Say I Love You Accountants Move In Mysterious Ways Panama Money Money Money Stayin’ Alive (And Offshore) Big Spender A View To A Killing You Sexy Shareholding

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

Re: The Mother of all Rows I hereby refer to recent issues whereby the arrival of the above mentioned has given birth to a fast-growing dispute. This department is expecting you to produce a maternity service free of cramping and it is inconceivable that I will allow this kind of situation to de foetus. Hence… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

1. We should never forget the real victims in this sorry affair, ie. myself 2. My reputation has been restored – I’m the country’s smuggest politician again 3. And its greatest author – just remember my bonkbuster novel, phworr! 4. A simple Senate seat is the very least I deserve 5. I’m tired of people… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

1 Nobody in An Garda Síochána has ever done anything wrong. 2 Especially not senior management. 3 Indeed, most of whistleblower McCabe’s allegations were overstated. 4 Anyway, the only gardaí to blame are those young inexperienced trainees. 5 But that’s all in the past now and everyone has been completely vindicated, including former Commissioner Callinan… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

It emerged last night that all seven Labour Party deputies have now thrown their hats into the ring in the leadership contest. The current front-runners for the prestigious post are: l Brendan Howling, 60. Dynamic middle-of-centre pro-European who believes passionately in a new kind of collective non-leadership and in raffish grey suits. l Alan “AK47”… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

Gimme – More interest from my account in Panama Hazard – The risk of dealing with Mossack Fonseca Moving Day – Time management team changed investment funds Wire-to-wire – How banking works

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

Labour Party TDs were last night declining to comment on speculation that they will lead Alan Kelly in opposition in the new Dáil. The party is understood to be considering the proposal from the South Tipperary TD following the resignation of its Tánaiste Joan Burton. “I feel it’s a great opportunity for the Labour Party… Read more »

May 18, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Gall Williams The gangs at the centre of the feud in Dublin have revealed details of their shooting schedule for the coming weeks. In an unprecedented move, details of the planned shootings have been released in order to prevent the public and the authorities being inconvenienced. However, An Garda Síochána have stated that despite… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

64-page Election 2016 Round-Up Fionnan Sheen: Why is there so much about the multi-talented Independent candidate Averil Power in the papers? Henry McGoo asks why the Green Party manifesto is full of ridiculous claims about oil not lasting forever. Heidi Grossburger: What Renua’s Lucy Creighton can learn from America’s tough-talking political whirlwind, Sarah Palin. Fintan Tool… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Dan O’Whine The possibility set out in this column eight weeks ago – that I would still be repeating myself in two months’ time – has come to pass. Will the new era of Irish politics resemble more closely Sweden or Italy? It’s still too early to tell. It appears increasingly inevitable that a… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

After a “hastily-convened meeting” RTÉ has decided to confine its foremost political correspondent, Martina Fitzpatrick, to delivering her daily TV news reports from the safety of a darkened street. This follows a spate of outragous interruptions inside Government Buildings, as Ms Fitzperfectly filed her numerous reports on the ongoing negotiations on the formation of a… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

In his most passionate statement yet against suspending water charges, acting environment minister Alan Kelly has warned that “Ireland is on the road to becoming a vast, arid, uninhabitable dessert populated by wild camels and watched over by vultures feeding on the carcasses of dehydrated householders,” unless the taxation remains. Visibly emotional that his leadership… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

EUROVISION HOPEFUL Nicky Byrne has revealed that he ‘never wanted to sing again after Westlife’ and now his dream has come true. ‘After selling (out) so many records over the years I felt like I couldn’t continue in the entertainment business,’ he said. ‘Luckily for me, this Eurovision thing came up and now I am… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

Smug TD and confused negotiator Leo Varadkar has said he likes “Tory toff Boris Johnson’s way of doing business”. In an interview with The Oxford University Miner, Leo declared, “I like Johnson. He pretends to care about Brexit when really he’s manoeuvring to be PM. I think this is really admirable. It’s kind of like… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

Tens of thousands of Irish Catholics have reacted with disappointment to Pope Francis’s Joy of Love leaflet after it failed to meet their expectations. “I really thought this time he was going to go for it,” shrugged a disconsolate masochistic transvestite brothel owner in Cork. “But he stuck to old ways of thinking. I had… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

TD and Sindo columnist Shane Ross is said to be taking very seriously the idea of taking on the cabinet Portfolio of “Minister of keeping himself a minister”. Speaking from his bath in the Merrion Hotel Mr Ross told Country Life magazine, “As a I don’t stand for anything I think I’m an ideal person… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

WILDLIFE EXTRA – Supreme Opportunists No. 897… This rare North American primate is a traveller and can be found as far from home as Western Europe. The Zappone makes friends easily with other troops and their leaders. Once in a tribe, the Zapper will quickly outmanoeuvre her competitors by supporting the leader no matter how… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Our Environment Staff – Jawn Waters THE COUNTRY’s largest drain, Irish Water, is now well on course to receive millions of additional euros over the lifetime of the new minority government, according to Taoiseach Enda Kenny. Speaking in Dáil Éireann yesterday, the Taoiseach reminded TDs that the Drain was uniquely designed so that tax-payers could… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

Prince and I became lifelong friends nearly 40 years ago and through the years, I have been given a unique insight into what the legendary musician wasn’t really like. Like so many of his worldwide fans, I will never forget seeing something on the internet about the death of this multi-talented Prince formerly known as… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

Observers have labelled a desperate attempt to save a man’s face in Dublin as “laughable” , and say the result has left the man in question “looking very sheepish.” It is understood that the man, known as Enda and believed to be from Mayo, was in a bad way since his face fell shortly after… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

Over 3000 kegs, 10 brass bands, 400 cheerleaders and 84 DJs were shipped into Áras an Uachtaráin, following Alice Mary Higgins’ election to the Seanad. The Higgins family rocked the party as they celebrated pulling down over €315,000 in salaries from the state plus expenses, plus drivers AND a massive mansion in Phoenix Park. The… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

19-99 – Average Dublin score in upcoming Leinster Championship Sign Of The Times (Umpires raising another green flag) Let’s Go Crazy (on the score board) Kiss (Sam Maguire for the next 10 years) U Got The Look (Of a team that’s about to take a beating) When Kerrymen Cry (Looking at the Dubs coasting to… Read more »

May 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff – Phil Page NOW THAT the long wait is over and the new Fine Gael minority government is finally up and running, there is only one crucial question on every political correspondent’s lips. Just how long will today’s piece on the 32nd Dáil manage to last? While there is always a chance… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

The various TDs involved in discussions on the formation of a new government today announced what the shape of that new government will be. “All of the parties to the discussions were totally committed,” insisted a spokesperson. “These were politicians, eager and resolved to reach a sustainable conclusion. The shape of the next government will… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

Widdevr ya do, don’t git sick in Piddyland or you woan git hoam before Chrimmas! Doan git stuck in the vicious civil woar bitwin thopposing fictions noon as Finny Gel and Finny Foul thet azbin ragin’ like a lunatic peck o’ dingos go fir over 90 yiers! Strewth! Deylight robbery is a growin’ prollem in… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Our Loch Ness Staff Investigators scouring the murky depths of Ireland’s Labour Party in search of a leader have discovered the prop used to make the scary Fine Gael creature look like it was for real. The prop was often seen nodding its head when the cameras were rolling at a time when the… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

UFC chiefs have promised to keep the memory of Joao Carvalho alive by staging the “biggest pay-per-view event the sport has ever seen”. The organisation has stated that UFC200 will be a commemorative tribute. A spokesman said: “We’re going to have a minute of abuse being fired from the crowd at all the participants. A… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

John Whittingdale Scandal by Con Dumb THE sex worker at the centre of the latest Conservative Party scandal has admitted that she was “highly embarrassed” to discover that one of her regular clients was the Culture Secretary, John Whittingdale. It emerged last night that Honey Trapp had been having a secret six-month relationship with the… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff DAVID CAMERON has thanked former Irish Taoiseach Bertie Ahern for his help in avoiding awkward questions about his financial affairs. The British PM contacted Mr Ahern shortly after his late father’s name was mentioned in the leaked Panama Papers. Cameron said: “I had been on to Bertie before releasing that statement… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

LSD enthusiasts have moved to distance themselves from Vogue Williams after the presenter announced plans to take hallucinogenic drugs live on TV as part of a new RTÉ series. “To be honest, I don’t want to be in anyway associated with Williams or RTÉ 2,” said one user. “I tried looking at one of her… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

With the Ryanair boss saying he has a “50/50 chance” of retiring in 2018, speculation is mounting about his possible successor Roy Keane Has plenty of experience of managing low-cost, no-frills outfit thanks to Euro 2016 campaign, and has been enthusiastic supporter of Ryanair style of customer relations. Bono The high-flying singer and world saviour… Read more »

April 21, 2016 Craic & Codology

Those Shutterbug stock clichés Look how awfully clever I am I don’t like him / her Here’s another double entendre Irish fashion models; dontcha hate em? What about this for a very punny caption? The pen is flightier than the sword.