December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology

by Our Wet Office Staff, Jawn Waters WITH ADVERSE weather conditions continuing to cause havoc across Central Dublin last night, there were harrowing scenes in Kildare Street when unprecedented floods of tears left over a hundred people stranded and fearing for their political lives. Leinster House was particularly badly hit, with unprecedented floods rising to… Read more »

December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology

By Stephen ‘Phil’ Collins American defence officials say its airforce has been placed on “level 10 red alert” following news that Wexford TD Mick Wallace has been released from prison. “We are taking no chances”, says Senior Air Command Officer Larry Sodaguzzler. “This crazed, pink-shirted hippy and his partner in crime could strike again. They… Read more »

December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Corr, Phil Column Having run out of minorities to attack, Donald Trump has called on his own supporters to be deported. At a rally where the Republican candidate stood amidst hundreds of his own fans, he shouted that in order to “make America great again” everyone would have to go. The unusual… Read more »

December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology

MOTORMOUTH CONOR McGregor has hailed Teresa Mannion for her outstanding display of reporting during Storm Desmond. The RTÉ employee went viral after her live report from a rain-lashed Salthill in Galway. The UFC star said: “She flailed around hysterically, talked absolute guff and generally hammed it up for the cameras, so I think she’d be… Read more »

December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology

In a harrowing Yuletide tale, two weary travellers were turned away from an inn in Limerick because there was no room. Echoing the story of the Nativity, the bedraggled couple were refused entry to accommodation after a long trek in stormy weather and had to return home. Denied the publicity that would have come with… Read more »

December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology

“ESRI report and chill?” “Fancy going to an industrial tribunal next week?” “I have a couple of passes to the next Siptu conference.” “Eamon Gilmore’s memoir is amazing.” “Have you read Cliff Taylor’s latest Irish Times column?” “I love when Philip Boucher Hayes stands in on Liveline.“ “Matt Cooper book and chill?”

December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology

Return to the Jungle of the Apes Leo Varadkar plays Tarzan in this classic remake of a seasonal movie favourite. Includes unforgettable spectacular outdoor sequence when all the creepy-crawly friends furiously climb the greasy pole. Co-starring a feisty Frances Fitzgerald as Jane and Simon Coveney as Cheetah. Psycho IV Latest re-make of Hitchcock’s horror masterpiece…. Read more »

December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology

50% increase in hot air from Barack Obama 10 degree rise in temperature amongst environmentalists 100 percent increase in politicians patting themselves on the back 70 percent increase in corporations looking for loopholes in restrictions Enda Kenny and Irish cabinet to maintain current rate of noxious emissions

December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology

Christmas Eve Mrs Brown’s Boys Christmas Eve Special Carols from the Áras with Mrs Brown and Panti Bliss Strictly Come Mrs Brown Semi Finals Christmas Day Mrs Brown’s Toys Christmas Day Special The Mrs Brown Xmas Factor Mrs Brown’s Buoys (flood crisis documentary) New Year’s Day Mrs Brown’s New Year’s Day Special (Repeat) The Great… Read more »

December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff – Martin Wail US REPUBLICAN presidential candidate Donald Trump has said that recent remarks made by Taoiseach Enda Kenny are “totally unacceptable”. Mr Trump was responding to a speech given by the outspoken Fine Gael leader in which he suggested that all left-wing TDs should be banned from re-entering politics after next… Read more »

December 17, 2015 Craic & Codology

Email: guff@southsidetimes.con (no attachments – or anyone earning less than €100,000) Post: Nonsense Dept, Humbug Street, D2, Eire (beside UK) Follow Letters page on Twitter: @ITCrap Garda Inspectorate report Sir, – As a Garda Síochána desk staffer of 28 years stan… er, sitting, I am extremely concerned about the latest Garda Inspectorate report, which states… Read more »

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

Add this sensational new action figure to your collection – and enjoy hours of nuclear deterrent fun! Prominent unionist MP and have-a-go hero Jeffrey is ready and willing to protect Europe’s interest – even if it means starting World War 3. Comes complete with: Creepy soft-spoken voice Boyish Daniel O’Donnell grin Trident missiles Watch Jeffrey… Read more »

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

POPE FRANCIS has been hailed by Church moderates after handing out free condoms at a huge Mass celebration in Kenya. Before his first trip to Africa, God’s main man on earth told journalists he would offer “spiritual and material” support to Kenya, Uganda and the war-torn Central African Republic. Little did the faithful know that… Read more »

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

LEINSTER RUGBY have apologised to season-ticket holders and offered a full refund. Many fans of the 12-County Army are distraught after their Champions Cup hopes were smashed by two defeats in two games. Even the return of injury-prone Johnny Sexton from France couldn’t help the Blues. A Leinster spokesman said: “It’s only fair that we… Read more »

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

THE GAA has been praised after successfully passing the baton of wanton violence from International Rules football to Super 11s hurling. The compromise game seemed to be on its deathbed after both Ireland and Australia decided to play in a sporting manner, focus on catching and kicking skills and not batter each other. Many fans… Read more »

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

1. FRANCE Look, it’s France. The lads don’t fancy it. Never have. A real lack of desire among the French. Poor defensively. Maginot Line. Lacking in the basic areas of the game. Forget France. Head to Germany and watch the games from there. 2. THE FOOD I don’t rate it as a cuisine, I don’t… Read more »

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

    PARIS CLIMATE CHANGE CONFERENCE AGENDA     Wave hands about Blame Russia Shout at China Something about polar bears Don’t mention the aviation industry Have a go at India Promise to reduce something or other by 2040 Is that the time already? Menu please I’ll have the rare rhinoceros tongue before it get extinct,… Read more »

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Henry McGoo  The American political scene was rocked today following a 24-hour period during which Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump did not insult any minorities on television. Throughout that time, there were no reports of Mr Trump mocking disabled journalists or making racist remarks about Mexican immigrants being drug-crazed criminals and… Read more »

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

Animal welfare officials have called for stiffer penalties for animal cruelty after two farmers were reportedly seen riding on a pig’s back for several years. Sources have named the men as Eddie Downey and Pat Smith, and say they “travelled the country” on the animal’s back. Both are described as being “heavyweights” in their fields…. Read more »

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

John Delaney has confirmed that he has offered to take on the role of general secretary of the IFA. It is understood that he phoned in his offer at 4 o’clock in the morning on Thursday of last week, while an emergency meeting of the IFA was concluding its marathon session. “Yes, it’s true,” confirmed… Read more »

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

GARDAI HAVE made a number of arrests in Dublin as part of a crackdown on sham marriages. Over 12 Fine Gael and Labour TDs were taken into custody last week accused of entering into a fake relationship with each other in order to stay in charge of the country. Suspicions arose when members of both… Read more »

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

December 4, 2015 Craic & Codology

By Our Entire Staff Following a stormy meeting of the parliamentary party, Fine Gael TDs have reached broad agreement on their right to be reelected. “They locked James Reilly in a closet and got on with discussing the Eighth Amendment,” revealed a source. “There was a consensus reached that something needs to be done to… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

Minister Aodhán Ó Geardáin has announced innovative new measures aimed at providing more effective treatment for politicians addicted to publicity. Under the new guidelines, ministers will receive controlled doses of PR under strict supervision at approved centres around the country. “We need to end scenarios where washed to individuals like Eamoan Gilbore is forced to… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

It was just another routine day of saving the country when the Taoiseach rang. I was surprised he had my phone number. “Eamon – you might remember me,” he said. “There’s been some stuff happening with Callinan. It took place a fortnight ago and I thought you should be kept abreast of the latest developments.”… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

In a shock move the Taoiseach, Endless Kenny, has announced that members of the army will be used to prevent a sudden rush by the electorate to withdraw large numbers of TDs at the next election. “I know this from speaking to a man I met on the main street in Castlebar recently,” commented Mr…. Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

Cuddly Michel de Loverly is to appear on Strictly Come Dancing following a poll of readers of Modern Man magazine. De Loverly, who plays bridge at the weekends with his granny, is said to be delighted with the good news. De Loverly told Take A Break magazine, “I’ve always wanted to be on Strictly and… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

by Our Health Staff Dr Strangelove It’s official. Reports about the dangers of eating red meat products are bad for consumers. The latest survey has found conclusive evidence that warnings about consuming sausages, bacon, hamburgers and reading scary newspaper articles are guaranteed to make you ill and shorten your life by “up to 20 years”…. Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

The Labour Party has again dismissed Sinn Féin’s Right2Change transfer pact with Independent candidates, and has urged voters not to “be taken in” by the strategy. A spokesman for the party warns, “You know what these lefty types are like – one day it’s all about ‘helping the poor’, and then as soon as they… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

TÁNAISTE Joan Burton says “there is no doubt” that Labour environment minister Alan Kelly and FG finance minister Michael Noonan will reach a deal on rent certainty in due course. “Mr. Noonan is a very clever politician who is great with sums and Alan whatsisname is a very talented listener who is also great at…… Read more »

November 20, 2015 Craic & Codology

Latest Syrian talks Sir, – May I be the first to welcome my latest initiative in Vienna to invite all the interested parties to bring about a lasting solution to the war in Syria. If all goes well, UN observers will be allowed to remain in the country, unhindered in their efforts to stand by… Read more »