Category: Uncategorized

CARTOONS 3815-06

Keyes - Batman

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GOLDHAWK LOOKS AT THE RUNNERS AND RIDERS TO TAKE OVER FROM IVAN YATES ON THE TONIGHT SHOW

Tonight show

Leo Varadkar Having recently stood down as the caretaker taoiseach, Vlad has lots of time to kill between now and the end of 2022. Known for his right-wing ranting and reckless election gambles, Leo is ideally suited to replace Ivan, although he might prefer a... Read more »

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CALCULATED GRADING LATEST – TEACHERS WARNED TO RESIST BEING INFLUENCED IF:

teacher board

Student has ever been part of a gang that mugged you as you staggered home late on a Saturday night You have slept with either of the student’s parents or both over the past year or so The student plays any role in providing your... Read more »

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CARTOONS 3806-01

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RTÉ UNVEILS CORONAVIRUS SCHEDULE

Panic Room To Improve

Panic Room to Improve Every decade has its own status symbols: the 1990s, bidets; the 2000s, conservatories; and in the 2010s, it was not having your home repossessed by vulture funds. Well, panic rooms are already shaping up to be the must-have of the 2020s.... Read more »

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CARTOON 3805-13

Scott Masear - Do a selfie

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GET CORONA-READY WITH OUR WEEKEND DEALS!

Covidl Logo

Telescopic Rubber Hand – €8.99 Cast your worries of contamination aside! This gizmo will allow you to shake hands with anyone, virus-addled or otherwise, from up to 10ft away! Vintage Irish Facemask – €3.99 Recycled from old stock. Anti-Bacterial Isolation Chamber – €1499.99 Keep yourself... Read more »

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MARIJUANA USE PLUMMETS OVER NEGATIVE ASSOCIATIONS

Gang War

The one point of optimism through this escalating crisis has been the news that marijuana usage throughout the country has plummeted due to a recent spate of negative publicity. “Sure the government has tried all sorts to try to stamp out drugs in Ireland,” said... Read more »

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THE NEXT ‘SINDO’ EDITOR?

Samantha McCaughren

A DOZEN or more aspirant editors of the Sunday Independent, the biggest-selling newspaper in Ireland, are being interviewed over three days this week. The applicants are expected to make a PowerPoint presentation and provide estimates of the strengths and weaknesses of the paper, as well... Read more »

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PROFILE: JOHN MCGUIRK

John McGuirk

Serial political party animal John McGurik (23), whose bid for the top job in USI came crashing down at the national congress this month, seems to be running out of options. His reputation within Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael is in tatters, while his attempts... Read more »

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PROFILE: JOHN ARKINS

THE IRISH film and TV business is a glamorous one to outsiders and Leo Varadkar milked his Hollywood visit – ‘to double’ the E1bn Irish audio-visual sector – for all its worth last week. But the industry is also heavily dependent on the taxpayer. About... Read more »

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YOUNG BLOOD: PADDY HOLOHAN

Paddy Holohan

As if being a vocal Republican and former professional mixed martial artist wasn’t enough to unnerve the chattering classes, Sinn Féin councillor Paddy Holohan (31) proved to be a popular and headline-grabbing addition to his party with a star performance in May’s local elections. Could... Read more »

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CARTOONS 3718-08

Keyes - Meat Plant

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CARTOONS 3718-09

McCabe - Amazon

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CARTOONS 3718-11

Paul Wood - Freshers

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MEDICAL MATTERS

Medical matters

This week Dr. M. T. Wallets considers a seasonal health risk As a doctor, this is my busiest time of the year, with so many parents suddenly losing the will to live. What happens is they foolishly begin to calculate the cost of their children... Read more »

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GALWAY RADICALS

FOLLLOWING THE recent attack on the Galway Maryam Mosque, the president of the Ahmadiyya Muslim Association of Ireland, Dr M A Malik, pointedly remarked that “radicalisation is not only limited to one group … radicals can be found in any community”. Perhaps the cleric was... Read more »

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CORRADO FORTE’S LATEST HEADACHE

MORE woe for Wexford businessman Corrado Forte, who has just had two tax judgments registered against him for a total of over €92,000. Forte has had a lot on his plate for the past few years, as fans of Goldhawk will be well aware. In... Read more »

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CARTOONS 3715-13

Royston - Racist

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REGINA’S DIVIDE AND RULE

Regina Doherty’s suggestion that the state pension could be determined by factors like geography provided prime fodder for daytime radio, as callers and panellists were pitted against each other in a game of parochial poor-mouth. To support her argument, the Social Protection Minister conjured up... Read more »

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3714

StD-3714 a

PRINCESS HAYA MARY ROBINSON Royalty Acts like royalty Acts like Robbo’s friend Claims to be the princess’s best friend ever Wannabe horsewoman Wannabe stateswoman Really annoys Sheikh Mohammad Really annoys lots of people Considers herself more important than the other wives Considers herself more important... Read more »

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FURY AS TRUMP FAILS TO INSULT ANYONE

Trump

There was anger across Ireland last week as US President Donald Trump left the country without bad mouthing a government TD, insulting a news organisation or even ridiculing a left-wing member of a gay organisation claiming disability payments. Outraged protestors, who had campaigned against the... Read more »

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CARTOONS 3711-14

Shelley Matheis - Results

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3710

StD 3710

Michael McDowell’s dog Frances Fitzgerald Wandered aimlessly around Ranelagh Wandering aimlessly around Dublin Unleashed  Kept on a tight leash by handlers Always muzzled Muzzled since late 2017 Purebred canine  EU poodle Barks at strangers Barks at Mark Durkan Small dog Hopes to be top dog... Read more »

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HOW THEY FANCY THEIR CHANCES

Mick Wallace

Mick Wallace: The real question is how many people out there want me to f**k off out of Ireland and stay out. If enough people are pissed off with me, my scruffy hair, my dress sense and all that odd stuff about my finances, then... Read more »

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CARTOONS 3709-16

Keyes - Packin' heat

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THOSE PUTIN DENIALS IN FULL

Vladimir Putin

TRUMP praised Putin’s “very strong” denial of interference in the 2016 US general election, despite US Intelligence services saying they were as good as certain that Russia was behind it. But speaking to the media, the Russian president had a few denials of his own…... Read more »

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WHY I SHOULD BE PRESIDENT

harp

Kevin Sharkey I can assure you that I can always be relied on to provide populist sound bites about the first thing that comes into my head. I am also semi-bilingual and travel well, so should have no problem whatsoever following in the tired footsteps... Read more »

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Boris: Yikes!

Boris Johnson

Britain’s Foreign Secretary tells it like it isn’t CRIPES ALL ROUND! Just when the whole Brexit thing has been getting completely out of hand along come the July 12th Orangemen to save the day. So thank goodness for Johnny Loyalist and our DUP pals who... Read more »

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THE PHILIP ROTH I NEVER MET

Philip Roth

by Phil Space UNLIKE everyone else writing on this very sad weekend, I am unable to remember the moment when I first met Philip Roth. The extraordinary feeling when he swept into a fashionable literary party in downtown Manhattan was something I never experienced. Indeed,... Read more »

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Rejected St Patrick’s Day Grand Marshals 

shamrock

Johnny Vegas  Frosty the Snowman  Yeti  Boris Johnson  Jack Frost  Fredro Starr  Arsene Wenger  Eddie Jones 

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Rugger buggers back in action

Schools Rugby

THE STANDS are full, the days are bright, the steroids are flying off the shelves (surely ‘Natural supplements’? – Ed). Yes it’s Schools Cup Rugby time and the fab Phoenix has all the teams to watch this year. The media is on fire with the... Read more »

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Out-of-contract politicians may opt to move abroad

Gerry Thornley

By IRFU correspondent Gerry Corney MANY OF Ireland’s best known politicians may be plying their trade in the UK, France or Germany next year. When, as expected, a general election is called early in 2018 as many as 158 Irish TDs will be “out of... Read more »

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RTÉ Festive Highlights

Amy Huberman

Strictly Come Striking Out It’s Christmas on exclusive Palmerston Road and Amy Huberman’s beautiful 80ft Christmas tree lights have blown. Worse still, the people next door are threatening court action. Luckily, Amy is absolutely radiant as she stars in this gritty drama. Mrs Brown’s Boys’... Read more »

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