PICK OF THE VALENTINES 2023
Uncategorized, 9 February 2023
The Glen to Kilmacud Crokes Our first encounter made me feel You had more than other men And that is why I must appeal For us to meet again. Rory McIlroy to Patrick Reed My knees went weak I thought I’d faint When I read what you’re purporting Oh yes! Oh yes! Be gone restraint!... Read more »
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GOVERNMENT HOLIDAY PLANS
Uncategorized, 28 July 2022
Micheál Martin I know the government seems to be away the whole year round, but I still like to get away from the crazed masses – ie. Fianna Fáil backbenchers – and dream up the next stage in my ingenious political masterplan with Paul Clarkson. It’s going brilliantly so far. Leo Varadkar I like to... Read more »
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GOLDHAWK ASSESSES SOME OF THE PUBLIC SECTOR BONUS PROPOSITIONS
Uncategorized, 7 October 2021
Stephen Donnelly We must reward healthcare workers for their commitment throughout this difficult time. As such, all members of the Sláintecare implementation board will receive a 5000% bonus if they agree not to resign. Stephen Kenny Any potential gratuity would have to be tied to an employee’s performance. You can’t have a situation where somebody... Read more »
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TEACHERS’ COVID CONCERNS
Uncategorized, 23 September 2021
Teacher unions have repeated their “serious concerns” about the safety of their members. “Covid has not gone away and teachers are currently risking their lives standing outside all day with big boxes of top-grade Leaving Cert accredited certificates for any student who wants them,” said a TUI spokesman. However, the education minister has again given... Read more »
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EUROVISION ENTRIES
Uncategorized, 20 May 2021
Goldhawk takes a look at some of this year’s hottest Eurovision entries: Israel – Benjamin Netanyahu Notorious frontman who will be singing his signature hit Rocket Man. Bibi will enjoy plenty of backing from a Greek chorus based in the United States. Ireland – Eoghan Harris Former columnist who will be belting out his own... Read more »
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BUDGET 2021- WHAT THE PARTY LEADERS WANT
Uncategorized, 8 October 2020
Leo Varadkar: We must safeguard consumer spending to keep the economy running. I propose further pay increases for TDs and other early rising public servants, so that we’ve more spending money to stimulate local businesses. Mary Lou McDonald: Housing is still the biggest long-term issue facing this country. Current developments need to be expanded, particularly... Read more »
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MEDIA COMMISSION BOARD EXPLAINED
Uncategorized, 8 October 2020
Catherine Martin – “Good luck with this lot!” Minister for Everything Alan Rusbridger – “I can show Oirish editors how to lose money every year” Ex Guardian Editor Mark Little – “Storybull lost €9m last year – but I’m out of it” Speaker for Hire Prof Ni Noexperience – “I also wear tweed to work”... Read more »
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WHERE WERE YOU WHEN YOU HEARD THE NEWS?
Uncategorized, 10 September 2020
ALL ACROSS IRELAND, people are struggling to remember exactly where they were when they heard the sensational news announcing the new Minister for Agriculture. For almost a week, the entire nation had held its collective breath as excitement reached feverless pitch. Who would it be, you know him… Flaherty… Fleming? Or him…Moynihan… the one from... Read more »
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CARTOONS 3815-06
Uncategorized, 30 July 2020
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GOLDHAWK LOOKS AT THE RUNNERS AND RIDERS TO TAKE OVER FROM IVAN YATES ON THE TONIGHT SHOW
Uncategorized, 30 July 2020
Leo Varadkar Having recently stood down as the caretaker taoiseach, Vlad has lots of time to kill between now and the end of 2022. Known for his right-wing ranting and reckless election gambles, Leo is ideally suited to replace Ivan, although he might prefer a slot early in the morning. John Delaney Easily recognisable from... Read more »
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CALCULATED GRADING LATEST – TEACHERS WARNED TO RESIST BEING INFLUENCED IF:
Uncategorized, 4 June 2020
Student has ever been part of a gang that mugged you as you staggered home late on a Saturday night You have slept with either of the student’s parents or both over the past year or so The student plays any role in providing your weekly drug supply The student was responsible for your obscene... Read more »
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CARTOONS 3806-01
Uncategorized, 26 March 2020
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RTÉ UNVEILS CORONAVIRUS SCHEDULE
Uncategorized, 26 March 2020
Panic Room to Improve Every decade has its own status symbols: the 1990s, bidets; the 2000s, conservatories; and in the 2010s, it was not having your home repossessed by vulture funds. Well, panic rooms are already shaping up to be the must-have of the 2020s. Now, ‘Ireland’s favourite architect’ (DermotBannon.ie) helps lucky families design the... Read more »
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CARTOON 3805-13
Uncategorized, 12 March 2020
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GET CORONA-READY WITH OUR WEEKEND DEALS!
Uncategorized, 12 March 2020
Telescopic Rubber Hand – €8.99 Cast your worries of contamination aside! This gizmo will allow you to shake hands with anyone, virus-addled or otherwise, from up to 10ft away! Vintage Irish Facemask – €3.99 Recycled from old stock. Anti-Bacterial Isolation Chamber – €1499.99 Keep yourself disease-free in this hermetically sealed chamber, containing nearly 200 gallons... Read more »
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MARIJUANA USE PLUMMETS OVER NEGATIVE ASSOCIATIONS
Craic & Codology, Uncategorized, 30 January 2020
The one point of optimism through this escalating crisis has been the news that marijuana usage throughout the country has plummeted due to a recent spate of negative publicity. “Sure the government has tried all sorts to try to stamp out drugs in Ireland,” said one drug dealer. “They’ve failed every step of the way.... Read more »
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THE NEXT ‘SINDO’ EDITOR?
Uncategorized, 20 December 2019
A DOZEN or more aspirant editors of the Sunday Independent, the biggest-selling newspaper in Ireland, are being interviewed over three days this week. The applicants are expected to make a PowerPoint presentation and provide estimates of the strengths and weaknesses of the paper, as well as solutions to various problems. (The interviews will be long... Read more »
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PROFILE: JOHN MCGUIRK
Uncategorized, 15 November 2019
Serial political party animal John McGurik (23), whose bid for the top job in USI came crashing down at the national congress this month, seems to be running out of options. His reputation within Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael is in tatters, while his attempts to forge a career in student politics has failed in... Read more »
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PROFILE: JOHN ARKINS
Uncategorized, 3 October 2019
THE IRISH film and TV business is a glamorous one to outsiders and Leo Varadkar milked his Hollywood visit – ‘to double’ the E1bn Irish audio-visual sector – for all its worth last week. But the industry is also heavily dependent on the taxpayer. About €100m a year is injected from the public coffers by... Read more »
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YOUNG BLOOD: PADDY HOLOHAN
Uncategorized, 3 October 2019
As if being a vocal Republican and former professional mixed martial artist wasn’t enough to unnerve the chattering classes, Sinn Féin councillor Paddy Holohan (31) proved to be a popular and headline-grabbing addition to his party with a star performance in May’s local elections. Could he eventually succeed sitting Dublin South West (DSW) TD Seán... Read more »
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CARTOONS 3718-08
Uncategorized, 5 September 2019
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CARTOONS 3718-09
Uncategorized, 5 September 2019
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CARTOONS 3718-11
Uncategorized, 5 September 2019
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MEDICAL MATTERS
Uncategorized, 22 August 2019
This week Dr. M. T. Wallets considers a seasonal health risk As a doctor, this is my busiest time of the year, with so many parents suddenly losing the will to live. What happens is they foolishly begin to calculate the cost of their children returning to school, without first taking essential precautions such as... Read more »
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GALWAY RADICALS
Uncategorized, 15 August 2019
FOLLLOWING THE recent attack on the Galway Maryam Mosque, the president of the Ahmadiyya Muslim Association of Ireland, Dr M A Malik, pointedly remarked that “radicalisation is not only limited to one group … radicals can be found in any community”. Perhaps the cleric was too polite to spell it out but the obsession in... Read more »
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CORRADO FORTE’S LATEST HEADACHE
Uncategorized, 8 August 2019
MORE woe for Wexford businessman Corrado Forte, who has just had two tax judgments registered against him for a total of over €92,000. Forte has had a lot on his plate for the past few years, as fans of Goldhawk will be well aware. In 2017, the Revenue secured judgment against him for €2.5m and... Read more »
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CARTOONS 3715-13
Uncategorized, 25 July 2019
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REGINA’S DIVIDE AND RULE
Uncategorized, 17 July 2019
Regina Doherty’s suggestion that the state pension could be determined by factors like geography provided prime fodder for daytime radio, as callers and panellists were pitted against each other in a game of parochial poor-mouth. To support her argument, the Social Protection Minister conjured up the figure of “a lady in Donegal”, an unfortunate creature... Read more »
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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3714
Craic & Codology, Spot the Difference, Uncategorized, 10 July 2019
PRINCESS HAYA MARY ROBINSON Royalty Acts like royalty Acts like Robbo’s friend Claims to be the princess’s best friend ever Wannabe horsewoman Wannabe stateswoman Really annoys Sheikh Mohammad Really annoys lots of people Considers herself more important than the other wives Considers herself more important than everyone Fled to London Fled to the UN Desperate... Read more »
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FURY AS TRUMP FAILS TO INSULT ANYONE
Uncategorized, 13 June 2019
There was anger across Ireland last week as US President Donald Trump left the country without bad mouthing a government TD, insulting a news organisation or even ridiculing a left-wing member of a gay organisation claiming disability payments. Outraged protestors, who had campaigned against the two-day visit, accused the president of “failing to deliver” and... Read more »
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CARTOONS 3711-14
Uncategorized, 30 May 2019
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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3710
Uncategorized, 16 May 2019
Michael McDowell’s dog Frances Fitzgerald Wandered aimlessly around Ranelagh Wandering aimlessly around Dublin Unleashed Kept on a tight leash by handlers Always muzzled Muzzled since late 2017 Purebred canine EU poodle Barks at strangers Barks at Mark Durkan Small dog Hopes to be top dog in Europe Loves bones Always has a bone to pick... Read more »
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HOW THEY FANCY THEIR CHANCES
Uncategorized, 16 May 2019
Mick Wallace: The real question is how many people out there want me to f**k off out of Ireland and stay out. If enough people are pissed off with me, my scruffy hair, my dress sense and all that odd stuff about my finances, then I’m home and dry. So personally, I think I’ll be... Read more »
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Uncategorized, 14 May 2019
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CARTOONS 3709-16
Uncategorized, 2 May 2019
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THOSE PUTIN DENIALS IN FULL
Uncategorized, 26 July 2018
TRUMP praised Putin’s “very strong” denial of interference in the 2016 US general election, despite US Intelligence services saying they were as good as certain that Russia was behind it. But speaking to the media, the Russian president had a few denials of his own… “Haha! Yeah right! We poisoned a few people in England!... Read more »
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