April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

GOLFER LOSES AGAIN A FAMOUS golfer struggled in the final round of a golfing competition in Augusta, Georgia. An eye-witness said: “From what I could gather, the golfer who lost wore a pale blue v-neck sweater and did not play very well on the final day. The American golfer who won the tournament wore a… Read more »

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Our Political Staff – Phil Pockets ARLENE FOSTER, who was minister in charge of the department that set up the renewable heat incentive scheme, has strenuously denied all allegations that she was involved in the botched green energy project. Giving evidence in Belfast yesterday at the public inquiry into RHI, the DUP leader blamed… Read more »

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has reiterated his opposition to working with Sinn Féin. The Fine Gael leader ruled out any prospect of a coalition between the two parties in the immediate future. Speaking to the media at a charity sock launch in Leinster House the Dublin West TD said he didn’t wish to join forces with… Read more »

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

PRIME TIME host Miriam O’Callaghan has paid tribute to Winnie Mandela who was laid to rest recently. The RTÉ presenter said she was deeply moved by the plight of the ANC activist who many had predicted was destined for the top job in South African politics. “It’s genuinely heartbreaking to think that a woman who… Read more »

April 5, 2018 Craic & Codology

INDEPENDENT News and Media has announced plans to diversify its business operations over the coming months. The corporate media giant wants to enter into the highly lucrative field of natural resources and data mining in particular. The move comes hot on the heels of a decision to dig for info at the offices of the Irish… Read more »

April 5, 2018 Craic & Codology

AUSTRALIAN cricket captain Steve Smith has denied tampering with Simon Coveney’s balls. The Tánaiste and part-time circus performer had spent months trying to keep the items up in the air while simultaneously checking to see which way the wind was blowing. But disaster struck when he yet again tripped up over his oversized shoes and… Read more »

April 5, 2018 Craic & Codology

Three canny canines give their reaction Leo – Owned by Mr E. U. Brussels “Hard to judge” Mick – Owned by Mr M Wallace of Wexford.   “Dinner at Ross’s place? I wouldn’t bother me arse getting all dressed up for that.” Brendan Howling – Owned by Mr B Howlin of Wexford. “Why was I… Read more »

April 5, 2018 Craic & Codology

This week attorney general and faithful companion Séamus Woulfhound delivers his verdict on the latest dog food to hit the shelves. As Ireland’s best known expert on canine nutrition I cannot say how appalled I am at the depreciating quality of dog’s dinners coming on the market these days! Take this new ‘Shane’s Dog Dinner’… Read more »

April 5, 2018 Craic & Codology

Abortion Referendum Bill The original proposal has been clarified and involves reassuring protocols allowing a lot more time for consideration of this crucial issue.This has given me additional time to assess the impact on my future career prospects – so, in fact, my sudden u-turn was not an embarrassing u-turn at all. Brexit Border negotiations… Read more »

April 5, 2018 Craic & Codology

Spokesperson on Greystones: Stephen Donnelly Spokesperson on hand-wringing: Barry Cowen Spokesperson on conspiracy theories: Niall Collins Spokesperson for Coppers: Jack Chambers Spokesperson on disgruntled TDs: Darragh O’Brien Spokesperson on hard borders: Lisa Chambers Spokesperson on regime change: Michael McGrath Spokesperson on dog’s dinners: Jim O’Callaghan

April 5, 2018 Craic & Codology

TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has reiterated that Ireland remains “fully neutral” on the international stage, despite his decision to expel a Russian diplomat. Speaking on a leisurely plane-spotting trip to Shannon, the Taoiseach insisted, “As I recently advised Donald as we watched the moon rise above Washington together, we are neither for nor against our wonderful,… Read more »

April 5, 2018 Craic & Codology

Hardy Bucks, Sunday 10.35pm – Comedy about four twenty-somethings who unexpectedly find themselves temporarily in trouble with the law. In this week’s episode Paddy, Stuart, Rory and Blane decide to get back on the dating scene. Catastrophe, Thursday,  9.00pm – Sitcom about an ageing politician (Micheál) whose brief affair with a dashing Indian doctor turns into a… Read more »

April 5, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Flashbacks of a Fool  Favourite song: Think Twice, Celine Dion  Favourite TV show: WWE Smackdown Favourite book: Fifty Shades of Grey  Favourite food: Ham-fisted  Favourite clothing: Turncoat  Favourite holiday: Route 66 (per cent)  Favourite chocolate: Flake  Favourite passtime: Flying kites Favourite prayer: Hail Mary 

April 5, 2018 Craic & Codology

Corky Simon: Light-weight challenger who competed with a string of career duck eggs behind him. Was desperate to put highly embarrassing display behind him after he was put firmly in his place by stablemate Show Pony Leo in the Twelve Week Mind Changers Chase. As always, was absent when the honours were handed out. Belfast… Read more »

April 5, 2018 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to readers offering selected meanings of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy This week: ‘Concannon’ Concannon is a new culinery marketing favourite based on a traditional Irish dish of mixed metaphors wit  guff, hyperbole, mashed potato and some green stuff such as kal  or cabbage thrown in. (what about avocado? –… Read more »

April 5, 2018 Craic & Codology

Hi all, Tough news about our little baby! But CHIN UP! Remember every little unmitigated disaster is really a NEW OPPORTUNITY! So let’s PUSH THE POSITIVES and make this humiliating, buttock-clenching catastrophe into a story of a CARING government that LISTENS. In dealing with this, remember the Golden Rule: Everything bad is Fianna Fáil’s fault…. Read more »

April 5, 2018 Craic & Codology

Orange Order pallet factory Paddy Jackson’s house DUP private bank Cambridge Analytica data centre Site of future loyalist riot Arlene Foster mural Union Jack umbrella company Sinking ship (Titanic Centre) 

April 5, 2018 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Tommie Gormless BRITISH Prime Minister Theresa May flew into Belfast yesterday to be greeted by crowds of cheering PSNI officers who were on double over-time. Said Mrs May: “I am delighted to be here and to explain to everyone that Brexit is firmly on track and that the negotiations about cross-border… Read more »

April 5, 2018 Craic & Codology

A television presenter who became well-known for presenting I’m A Celebrity…And That’s All has been charged with drink-driving and will no longer be appearing on TV every weekend. On other pages: “Presenter was the Greatest TV Entertainer Of All Time” by Everybody 3-9 “The Tragic Secret Life of the Troubled Presenter” by Everybody Else 10-17… Read more »

April 5, 2018 Craic & Codology

A 39-year-old porn star, Stormy Waters, wept openly last night as her career in the adult entertainment business lay in ruins following scandalous revelations about her alleged association with American President, Donald J Trump. “I have made a terrible mistake and feel so embarrassed to have tarnished the good reputation of our great porn industry,”… Read more »

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

NATIONAL SCANDAL: Two of the thieves pictured here with Wesley College’s publicity officer NEWSTALK charmer Paul Williams has launched a stunning attack on a marauding gang of Irish thieves. Police in the UK believe the men, known as “The Team”, are behind a spate of robberies in London last weekend in which a number of… Read more »

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to readers offering selected meanings of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy ‘Doonbeg’ Doon: an Anglicisation of the Irish word Dún, meaning a stone built settlement (a golf clubhouse, perhaps? – Ed). Beg: an Anglicisation of the Irish word ‘beag’ (small). To beg is also to ask somebody earnestly or humbly… Read more »

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

CONSPIRACY: Hawking pictured here with a man accused of being a Soviet agent by Our Diplomatic Staff – Con Spiracy INTERPOL is treating the death of one of the world’s most brilliant scientists as suspicious. Professor Stephen Hawking is now thought to have been targeted by special undercover agents sent in by Russia’s President Vladimir… Read more »

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

by our Religious Staff A. Men A SENIOR figure in the Roman Catholic Church has hit out at former Irish president Mary McAleese, accusing her of being “completely out of touch with the times”. Speaking to reporters in Rome yesterday, Pope Francis said: “She keeps travelling around from one country to another constantly dictating to… Read more »

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

Britain’s Foreign Secretary tells it like it isn’t MEGA-CRIPES! Just when the press piranhas were churning out loads of tosh about how Bozza wasn’t to be taken seriously, Comrade Putin comes to the rescue. Fresh from another radioactive cookery masterclass, he’s up to his old tricks again. It’s bad enough that these Redski spies are… Read more »

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

• What Are You Eating?  — Thursday, 8.30pm Philip Boucher-Hayes discovers the terrible damage that a non-stop diet of bland fillers and reheated leftovers can have on the digestive system. • Young Sheldon — Friday, 7.30pm An irritating young know-it-all (Simon Harris) provokes conflict and ridicule by always insisting he is right and that only his ingenious… Read more »

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Waiting to Exhale  Favourite song: Bad Habit,  The Offspring  Favourite TV show: Spitting Image  Favourite politician: Seán Fleming Favourite comedienne: Alison Spittle  Favourite skill: Dribbling  Favourite food: Spit-roast  Favourite band: The Highwaymen  Favourite coffee: Frothy  Favourite instrument: Recorder  Favourite athlete: Mark Spitz 

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

An Roinn Cultúir, Oidhreachta agus Gaeltachta / The Department of Culture, Heritage and the Gaeltacht The following items have been donated to the state by Neil Jordan:  10 million unsold DVDs of Byzantium 300 fawning Sunday Independent profiles Alternative ending to Michael Collins in which the Big Fella becomes a vampire hunter Miniature replica of… Read more »

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

Casabanka Gone with the Windfall 101 Donations Slumdog Double-Millionaire One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest Egg Taxes Chainsaw Massacre

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

0: The level of interest since Marty Morrissey was eliminated  17: Teeth whitening kits used per show by Nicky Byrne 300: Bitchy comments from Brian Redmond  50/50: Chance that Martin O’Neill and Roy Keane will take part in next year’s series  10,000,000 to 1: Odds of Amanda Byram ever going back to Ireland AM  15:… Read more »

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

THERE were fears for the future of Independent News and Media last night amid indications that kind-hearted entrepreneur shareholder Denis O’Brien was curtailing his support for charitable projects. The compassionate Corkonian is known the world over for his unfettered benevolence towards the world’s more unfortunate cases, with Haiti relief, the FAI, INM and Fine Gael… Read more »