Category: Craic & Codology

CARTOONS 4017-09

McCabe - a+e-scooter

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CARTOONS 4017-10

McCabe - no accomadation

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CARTOONS 4017-11

Paul Wood - goldiepox

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CARTOONS 4017-01

Tim Bales - holidays

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CARTOONS 4017-02

Bernie - queue

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CARTOONS 4017-03

deAn - pina colada

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CARTOONS 4017-04

Keyes - lego store opens

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CARTOONS 4017-12

Percival - fork

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CARTOONS 4017-13

Royston - batgirl

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CARTOONS 4017-14

Schwadron - trees

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CARTOONS 4017-15

Scott Masear - batman

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CARTOONS 4017-16

Theo - New school books

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OZONE

Ozone 08-26-22

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FESTY O’SEMTEX

Festy - What's Next

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CARTOONS 4017-17

Keane - lego

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THE DAY SALMAN RUSHDIE MET ME

Salman Rushdie

Salman Rushdie’s literary output was always characterised by an intense sense of existential nausea, and a Dostoyevsky-like fixation on recondite sexual implosion. This was the point I put to him during a light-hearted, freewheeling discussion on 17th-century Mongolian expressionism at a meeting in Bono’s house around 1993. Although I have forgotten the exact wording, his... Read more »

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NEW BOARD LEXICON

Bord Pleanala

Application: Thing you make when asking for asylum if things go pear shaped Third Party: Held after first two soirées celebrating the right result! Inspector: Oh dear, one of the top Garda chaps Change of Use: Looking for a new job Open Space: Area between Garda station door and desk Zero Emissions: Say nothing!

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TAOISEACH BACKS TROY

Shane Houlihan Noel Smyth IKC Bob Geldof Landlord Ireland Neutrality Ukraine

Taoiseach Micheál Martin has welcomed the recent difficulties surrounding luckless Minister of State for Amendments Robert Troy, who unfortunately failed for some time to register various properties, land and a directorship within the appropriate requirements. “People love to criticise Fianna Fáil’s record but this time there was nobody else involved, there were no corrupt payments,... Read more »

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THOSE ELECTRIC PICNIC 2022 HEADLINERS

Electric Picnic

Robert Troy and the Explanations Disappointed many when he sold out a packed house in the midlands but then completely forgot to mention it to anyone. Renowned for his bland, inoffensive output and the ability to play the world’s smallest violin. Accommodation Crisis Frontman Darragh O’Brien sounds like a broken record these days and loves... Read more »

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VLAD DEFENDS FINNISH PM

Leo Varadkar

Tánaiste Leo Varadkar has strongly defended Finnish Prime Minister Sanna Marin after several videos surfaced showing her partying with friends. “Guys, can we all just, like, chill out, yeah?” said Varadkar recently. “All us cool, young, cosmopolitan politicians sometimes just need to pop on Kylie’s greatest hits and blow off some steam on the dance... Read more »

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GARDAÍ SOLVE CRIME SHOCK

GARDA new uniform

There has been widespread amazement to the news that An Garda Síochana has actually solved a crime. With gardaí usually more preoccupied with parading around in new uniforms and posting social media updates, the announcement that a criminal has been apprehended has caught observers by surprise. “This is all part of the trendy new-look gardaí,”... Read more »

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MINISTER APOLOGISES FOR DECLARING PROPERTY

Property Signs

Furious Opposition TDs are demanding a Sipo investigation after a minister offered a clear and transparent disclosure of property ownership on a register of interests. The minister has apologised profusely and said his close following of ethics rules was “an embarrassing oversight”. “Obviously this doesn’t meet the appalling standards people expect of Irish public representatives,”... Read more »

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DÁITHÍ Ó SÉ HAILS LATEST DÁITHÍ OF TRALEE FESTIVAL

Daithi O'SHea

ROSE OF Tralee host Dáithí Ó Sé has said that this year’s competition was by far the best yet. “I really surpassed myself with the sheer amount of puff pieces – all about me – generated over recent months,” said the 46-year-old presenter. “There was even some half-baked guff about welcoming transgender contestants and married... Read more »

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LEGO SHOP UNVEILS NEW IRISH MERCHANDISE

NCH

Children’s Hospital If you have a couple of decades to kill, why not sink your teeth into the children’s hospital? Comes complete with massive delays, cost overruns and built-in planning fiascos. Data Centre These energy sapping structures are wildly popular with members of the Government but critics often wonder if the long-term consequences outweigh the... Read more »

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MAN U ‘MELTDOWN’

Erik ten Hag

FOLLOWING THEIR team’s disastrous start to the new season, Manchester United’s dejected fans have been in a state of “total meltdown” over recent weeks. However, newly appointed coach Erik ten Hag has predicted that the Red Devils are on target to secure their proper place propping up the relegation zone. Flanked by armed minders at... Read more »

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MORE RECORDS BROKEN

Shane Houlihan Noel Smyth IKC Bob Geldof Landlord Ireland Neutrality Ukraine

Following on from Rhasidat Adeleke’s breaking of an Irish record at the European Championships 400m, other homegrown competitors have also set new records: Going downhill – Fianna Fáil Shooting themselves in the foot – Fine Gael Swimming against the tide – Green Party Iron Man endurance record – Late Late Show viewers Skating on thin... Read more »

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CHURCH NEEDS ‘RENEWAL’

Papal Visit

Archbishop Dermot Farrell has again said that change is urgently needed within the Catholic Church. He was referring to recent diocesan feedback organised by the Synod of Bishops. “Of course, anyone with two eyes in their heads can see that renewal is the latest buzzword to ensure everything stays the same,” he told mass-goers at... Read more »

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5 PLACES TO HIDE IN CASE OF NUCLEAR FALLOUT

bio-mask

1. Áras an Uachtaráin: A massive house occupied by only a tiny man. 2. Boris Johnstone’s skull: Big, empty and thick enough to withstand a nuclear blast. 3. Student accommodation: Almost impossible to track down. 4. Trump’s Mar-a-Lago safe: The FBI did a fantastic job of decluttering the place. 5. Robert Troy’s houses: Too numerous... Read more »

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DUBLIN AIRPORT REDUCES WAITING TIMES

Airport

In what is being deemed a major improvement in efficiency, Dublin airport says it has substantially reduced the time it takes passengers arriving at the airport to find out what country their luggage is in. “We can, for example, now ascertain within just five hours what South American country has your bag that you checked... Read more »

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NEW LEGO STORE OPENS

Lego Store

In addition to its flagship Grafton Street store, Lego has also opened a separate Dublin premises entirely devoted to Irish politics, with the stationary, lifeless models said to “perfectly capture” real-life TDs. The Lego version of Micheál Martin has proven particular popular, with the stiff, wooden movements said to be virtually indistinguishable from the real... Read more »

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FALLOUT FEARS GROW

mushroom cloud

Nato has called for an “urgent” international inspection of An Bord Pleanála as the fallout continues from the recent controversy. With some saying the planning board is dangerously toxic, there have been demands for UN secretary general Antonio Guterres to intervene. “An Bord Pleanála has taken heavy shelling,” said one defence expert. “Some people might... Read more »

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BACK TO SCHOOL CHAOS

Back to school

Parenting groups have expressed concern over the lack of space devoted to back-to-school-related stories in Ireland’s newspapers. One frantic parent said: “We need column inches devoted to such hot-button subjects as the weight of schoolbags, what a middle-class child should have in their lunchbox, schoolbook jumble sales and how to handle snooty parents at the... Read more »

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DUBLIN HORSE SHOW – WINNERS AND LOSERS

Vote Hunter Championships Eamon Ryan on board Green Chancer beat the odds to take everyone for a ride, finishing with just 24 faults. Dressage Parade Vlad Varadkar (Notis Me) once again displayed his skills at trotting sideways (depending on whatever way the wind’s blowing). Ladies’ Side-Saddle Helen McEntee’s attempt to please all of the judges... Read more »

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OTHER AREAS TO BE DEVELOPED ALONG WITH CITY EDGE

Clonburris Canal Extension

FIANNA FÁIL-VILLE Built on foundations of sand, there are fears it could collapse at any moment. Urban planners also fear the roof could cave in on Mayor Micheál Martin. BAILE FINE GAEL The town is the vision of architect Leo Varadkar, who’s obsessed with appearances. Area could be vulnerable to electoral earthquake, if polls are... Read more »

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MAR-A-LAGO RAID REACTION

Leo Varadkar

It is an affront to common decency that a leader of a country cannot use confidential government information in any way he sees fit. After Mar-a-Lago, we really have to ask ourselves, where will this madness end? Leo Varadkar I feel very sorry for my friend who is suffering under American tyranny. I told him... Read more »

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REFLECTIONS ON THE BIG FELLA’S ANNIVERSARY

Michael Collins

Micheál Martin A distinguished statesman cruelly snatched away from us before he had a chance to show the world what he was capable of. It reminds me so much of my present predicament and the handover to Leo Varadkar in December. Leo Varadkar He was completely oblivious to the fact that his former comrades were... Read more »

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