Category: Craic & Codology

GOVERNMENT BIRTHS NEW LEGISLATION

baby

The government has unanimously welcomed the passing of the Birth Information and Tracing Bill into law. Coalition backbenchers claimed the legislation was necessary due to the inability of certain cabinet ministers to understand the concept of age. “People like Darragh O’Brien and Stephen Donnelly thought we were all born yesterday and kept insisting that we... Read more »

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TEST SERIES WIN PEAK OF HUMAN ACHIEVEMENT

Shane Houlihan Noel Smyth IKC Bob Geldof Landlord Ireland Neutrality Ukraine

Exclusive by all sports columnists Following the Irish rugby team’s awesome, historic, landmark (great stuff –Ed.) win over the hapless All Blacks, there can be no question that the moon landing has been overtaken on the list of outstanding achievements by mankind. Following on from the team’s, er, slightly crap Six Nations campaign (steady –... Read more »

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GREENHOUSE GAS SLAMS EAMON RYAN

fumes

Greenhouse gas has said “we will have to move” to reduce the amount of hot air emanating from climate minister Eamon Ryan, after a new report found that emissions have risen to above pre-Covid levels. Speaking to reporters yesterday, the gas cloud said the toxic atmosphere in Cabinet – stemming from the coalition’s cratering poll... Read more »

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MICHEÁL MARTIN’S GUIDE TO JAPANESE

Micheal Martin Japanese

Sayonara: Expression used when you want to say goodbye to a party leader Kamikaze: Tactic employed by those on autopilot who can’t accept their political end is nigh Sushi: A cold fish who is regularly battered in opinion polls and leaders’ questions Karaoke: Popular with people who are hopelessly out of tune with what the... Read more »

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AIB APOLOGISES FOR CASHLESS BANKS PLAN

AIB sign

AIB has apologised to customers for the inconvenience caused (to shareholders) resulting from its latest half-baked proposal to end cash services at 70 branches nationwide. “In light of the totally unexpected concerns raised by important business groups, we’re extremely sorry for any distress that may have been caused,” said spokesman Phil Boots, “and particularly for... Read more »

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SENSATIONAL WEBB PHOTOS CATCH LAST OF McILROY TITLES

james webb

By Ina BuNkeragain Excited scientists studying data from the James Webb Space Telescope say the latest images look back into the distant past of the universe. Said one NASA astronomer: “These images are coming to us from the distant reaches of space-time. One actually depicts the last time golfer Rory McIlroy won a major title.”... Read more »

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PORN STUDIES ON JUNIOR CERT

sexy lady

Under the latest revamp to the school curriculum, lessons about pornography will soon be given to secondary school students as part of the new Junior Cert. “The aim is to teach young people about inappropriate material,” said a Department of Education spokesperson. “This will involve an intensive study of X-rated images and gratuitous videos that... Read more »

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CARTOONS 4014-01

Tim Bales - oil

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CARTOONS 4014-02

Dowling - watercooler chat

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CARTOONS 4014-03

Hickey - New Wave

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CARTOONS 4014-04

Kales - everybody lies

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CARTOONS 4014-05

Kales - you haven't worked

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CARTOONS 4014-06

Keane - pyrite

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CARTOONS 4014-07

Keyes - airport

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CARTOONS 4014-08

Len Hawkins - 3d printer

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CARTOONS 4014-09

Len Hawkins - crop circle

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CARTOONS 4014-10

Lennon - Price gougers

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CARTOONS 4014-11

Mark Wood - Awkward

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CARTOONS 4014-12

Mark Wood - Tooth Fairy

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CARTOONS 4014-13

McCabe - army called in

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CARTOONS 4014-14

Paul Wood - tofu

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CARTOONS 4014-15

Royston - good and bad

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CARTOONS 4014-16

Schwadron - alternative

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CARTOONS 4014-17

Scott Masear - well this is me

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CARTOONS 4014-18

Keyes - masked meetings

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VARADKAR STILL SUSPECTED OF SELF-PROMOTION

Leo Varadkar

Though he will not face criminal charges over the leaking of a draft GP contract, Tánaiste Leo Varadkar remains under suspicion of a variety of offensive political behaviours. These are believed to include rampant self-promotion, chronic obsession with his own media profile, and maintaining Fine Gael’s grip on power at all costs. Furthermore, Gardaí are... Read more »

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FARRELL’S IRELAND TO STORM WORLD CUP

rugby

Following Ireland’s win over New Zealand, widely being hailed as the greatest victory in the history of sport, there is no limit to what this team can achieve. Despite recent articles to the contrary, it’s now clear that these green-shirted titans will coast to victory in the next three World Cups at least. It’s not... Read more »

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FLIGHT LEAVES DUBLIN AIRPORT SHOCK

Dublin Airport

There was another day of chaos in Dublin Airport yesterday, after a flight unexpectedly took off on time with all passengers on board. Adding to the sense of anarchy, all passengers collected their luggage on the other side without incident. The DAA is to launch an immediate investigation, with the government now considering sending in... Read more »

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PENSION AGE RISE WILL LEAD TO FEWER PENSIONERS – MARTIN

Micheal Martin

by Gerry Atric MICHEÁL MARTIN has announced that the state pension age should not go beyond 66 years old. His statement comes after months of heated debate on the issue. Addressing Fianna Fáil TDs, the taoiseach said: “It’s very easy to blame all this indecision on the party just because it’s entirely the party’s fault.... Read more »

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UKRAINE VOTED TOP POLITICAL DESTINATION

Ukraine flag

War ravaged Ukraine has been voted Europe’s number one destination by political leaders needing to boost their profiles. Following the example of Russia’s Vladimir Putin (who arrived by tank) desperate leaders such as Joe Biden, the departing Boris Johnson, and the soon-to-be-departing Micheál Martin – who said that the dilapidated state of many of the... Read more »

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MASS DESTITUTION PREDICTED AS BORIS DEPARTS

Boris resigns

By Kath Astrophe Tens of thousands of jobs are set to be lost, with families forced to scavenge for food as the full ramifications of Boris Johnson’s resignation now emerge. “We’ve no more work for the 500 extra journalists we took on to file 24/7 copy on Tory scandals under Boris”, sighed one regretful news... Read more »

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“WHY AM I GETTING SUCH A HARD TIME FOR MY CHOICES AND ACTIONS?”

Graeme McDowell

Another Graeme McDowell Interview The way I see it, the cash…er, Khashoggi incident and the murder, jailing and torturing of people are terrible, terrible things. But for my money and as a mere golfer, I really do think such complications are best counteracted through a chip in from off the green or recovering for a... Read more »

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METROLINK UPDATE

metrolink

With an Avatar sequel due later this year, superstar director James Cameron has said the movie – set in 2164 – will depict the opening of the Dublin Metrolink. The infrastructure project has now entered the realm of sci-fi as its projected start date gets continually pushed back. “The Metrolink scenes fall in the category... Read more »

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THAT NAVAN HOSPITAL DEBATE

mater hospital

Stephen Donnelly I would like to apologise sincerely for the many disastrous administrative blunders that have led to the ongoing crisis. I cannot overstate how delighted I am to acknowledge all my predecessors’ inexcusable errors which weren’t my fault at all. Paul Reid My decision to resign is based entirely on personal reasons rather than... Read more »

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IAN BAILEY INVESTIGATION – NEW STORIES EMERGE

Cold Case Review

by Our Crime reporter Hugh Dunnit IN SENSATIONAL news that has sent shock waves throughout the country, media outlets have been reacting to new developments in the Sophie Toscan Du Plantier case. Said one grief-stricken editor last night: “I’m shocked with delight that we can rehash a lot of old stories about dodgy evidence and... Read more »

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GAA ‘MONITORING ARMY SITUATION CLOSELY’

Shane Houlihan Noel Smyth IKC Bob Geldof Landlord Ireland Neutrality Ukraine

By R.G. Bargy and Sam Maguire GAA officials have confirmed they will be “keeping a close eye” on the deployment of Irish Army recruits to Dublin airport amidst growing anxiety around the upcoming All Ireland football final. Insiders say GAA officers secretly dread “serious conflict” if emotions run high as they did during the Armagh... Read more »

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