Category: Craic & Codology

THOSE POTENTIAL BORIS JOHNSON REPLACEMENTS

Micheal Martin

Micheál Martin Has gained lots of experience leading a party who have absolutely no confidence in him and are constantly plotting to elect a new boss. Will have plenty of free time on his hands when he steps down in December. Graeme McDowell Enjoys working with unpopular regimes but admits that the Tories are in... Read more »

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NAVY RETIRES AGEING SHIP

Shane Houlihan Noel Smyth IKC Bob Geldof Landlord Ireland Neutrality Ukraine

The Department of Defence have confirmed that they plan to decommission a very troublesome vessel from the Irish naval fleet. The LE Varadkar has been dogged by allegations of leaks in recent times and the government now believe it’s only a matter of time before it hits the rocks. One expert said: “Varadkar has shipped... Read more »

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HARRIS TO PERSONALLY REVIEW DUPLANTIER CASE FROM HIS COUCH

Drew Harris

Garda Commissioner Drew Harris has given his solemn promise that he will personally apply his investigative skills to DuPlantier case now that a new review has been opened. Commissioner Harris explained that Garda resources we’re being efficiently allocated to get to the heart of the matter, with a new TV, leather couch and Netflix subscription... Read more »

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DONOHOE PROMISES BALANCED BUDGET

Paschal Donohoe

By Pat Squeaky Finance minister Paschal Donohoe has vowed that September’s budget will strike a balance between hopelessly inadequate attempts to address the cost-of-living crisis, and desperate efforts to revive the flatlining government. “We’re looking to create a bit more fanfare around budget day. We’re thinking about turning the whole affair into a festival like... Read more »

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BORIS WITHDRAWAL AGREEMENT CRITICISED

Shane Houlihan Noel Smyth IKC Bob Geldof Landlord Ireland Neutrality Ukraine

European Union officials have expressed grave concerns at the terms and conditions of Boris Johnson’s proposed withdrawal agreement. The Prime Minister recently outlined a strategy that would see him exit the role on a phased basis, which Downing Street describes as “a process not an event”. This has prompted many hardliners within the EU to... Read more »

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O’DOHERTY AND WATERS LOSE SUPREME COURT CHALLENGE

O'Doherty case

Gemma O’Doherty and John Waters have criticised the dismissal of their action against Covid-19 emergency pandemic restrictions passed in the Oireachtas in 2020. They had accused the government of creating a draconian regime “akin to martial law”. In a statement issued last night, the two former journalists repeated their claim that unnecessary legislation had subjected... Read more »

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MIXED FEELINGS OVER NEW GARDA DISPATCH SYSTEM

Drew Harris

An overwhelming majority of gardaí have welcomed plans to install a new €13.5m logging and recalling system for the force, which is set to be rolled out nationwide in the coming years. “The fact that it synchronises data across all platforms simultaneously is a godsend”, said a smiling desk garda in the midlands in a... Read more »

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NASA LOSES CONTACT WITH GOVERNMENT

moon

Following on from the news that NASA has lost contact with a spacecraft headed for the moon, the space agency is also now unable to determine what planet the Irish government is living on. Many in the cabinet believe they are on top of the countless crises currently facing the country, leaving NASA scientists to... Read more »

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CARTOONS 4013-01

Wilbur - wordle

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CARTOONS 4013-02

Bernie - one foot

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CARTOONS 4013-03

Hickey - Burnout

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CARTOONS 4013-05

Hickey - Queues

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CARTOONS 4013-06

Keane - cost of living

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CARTOONS 4013-07

Keane - queue at airport

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CARTOONS 4013-08

Keyes - cup of petrol

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CARTOONS 4013-09

Keyes - lynch & judy

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CARTOONS 4013-10

Len Hawkins - lucid

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CARTOONS 4013-11

Mark Wood - Food Bank

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CARTOONS 4013-12

Mark Wood - Inflation

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CARTOONS 4013-13

McCabe - counselling

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CARTOONS 4013-14

Miranda - Two Parrots

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CARTOONS 4013-14

Paul Wood - ark

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CARTOONS 4013-15

Percival - long haul

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CARTOONS 4013-16

Scott Masear - lazy the clown

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OZONE

ozone-07-01-22

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CARTOONS 4013-17

Lennon - Gold Rush

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COST-OF-LIVING TO BE ADDRESSED IN BUDGET…EVENTUALLY

Shane Houlihan Noel Smyth IKC Bob Geldof Landlord Ireland Neutrality Ukraine

The government has signalled it will tackle the cost-of-living crisis in the budget, as TDs and senior public servants struggle to meet the costs of five-star hotels and Michelin-starred restaurants. There are even growing fears that some leading politicians may have to forgo lavish, all-expenses-paid foreign junkets. There are hopes that the restoration of the... Read more »

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LONELY PLANET’S FAVOURITE IRISH TOURIST SPOTS

Ireland

Cliffs of Mohair Rock of Cashless Blarney Stone Broke Skintkenny Castle The General Pissed Office

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BIDEN TO ‘LEAVE NO CLICHÉ UNTURNED’ FOLLOWING ROE V WADE OVERTURN

Shane Houlihan Noel Smyth IKC Bob Geldof Landlord Ireland Neutrality Ukraine

US President Joe Biden has vowed to “furiously avail of every platitude and cliché” at his disposal, following the US Supreme Court’s overturning of Roe v Wade. As several major US cities were engulfed in protest Biden that he will “not hesitate to continuing doing nothing” following the seismic decision. “On the bright side, the... Read more »

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VARADKAR – “SELF-DEFENCE JUSTIFIED”

Leo Varadkar

by Philippa Column TÁNAISTE Leo Varadkar has defended his recent Dáil row with Pearse Doherty, saying it was simply a matter of “self-defence”. “I’ve always believed that some things are just too important to play party politics with,” said Mr Varadkar yesterday, “and one of those is discrediting opposition TDs in an attempt to win... Read more »

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IRELAND’S TOP ELVIS IMPERSONATORS REVEALED

Elvis Leo

Leo Fancies himself to be The King but is rapidly losing popularity among his fans. Eamon Critics of this crooner have been demanding a little less conversation and a lot more action. Micheál After hitting a series of bum notes, and known to be planning to leave the stage, this hounded dog looks ghetto-bound.

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US AIRLINES WRITE TO EAMON RYAN

american airlines logo

Dear Mr Ryan, On behalf of American travellers, I wish to express my increasing concerns about the unacceptable 8-hour queues at Dublin Airport. These are seriously damaging Ireland’s reputation as an attractive and expensive destination. In my opinion, it’s time for you to do something. Hank Yank   Dear Hank, As Minister for Transport, I... Read more »

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HIGHLIGHTS FROM THIS YEAR’S GALWAY FILM FLEADH

Shane Houlihan Noel Smyth IKC Bob Geldof Landlord Ireland Neutrality Ukraine

Céad Míle Charges A group of naive tourists visit Connemara with the intention of looking at the world famous sheep but are instead fleeced from the very moment they arrive in Ireland. Contains scenes of price gouging and blood boiling. Trading Places A corporate highflyer (Michael O’Leary) is brought crashing back down to earth when... Read more »

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ADVERTISEMENT – THE MICHAEL D INSTANT OPINION SET

Michael D Higgins

Do you get lost for words when the conversation turns to the state of the nation? Does your lack of insight into national emergencies leave you feeling inferior in social gatherings? Do you ache to impress others with your no-nonsense summarising? Let the Michael D Fast Response Card save your blushes!! Each card has a... Read more »

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O’LEARY ROLE COULD ‘SPARK SURGE IN REFUND APPLICATIONS’.

Shane Houlihan Noel Smyth IKC Bob Geldof Landlord Ireland Neutrality Ukraine

Ryanair could face a large increase in refund applications in the months and years ahead after customers travelling through Dublin airport came face to face with Michael O’Leary at the security desk. “He wasn’t near as scary in the flesh as he looks on the tele”, said mum of three Cynthia from Cork. “I was... Read more »

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