January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

TRANSPORT Minister Shane Ross says he plans to replace the red and green hues at traffic lights “to avoid confusion and people choosing the wrong option”. The Independent Alliance politician says: “Red and green are far too similar and can easily confuse even the most enlightened and attentive driver, such as myself. “Even a sober-minded… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: The Kids Are Alright Favourite song: Millennium, Robbie Williams Favourite TV show: Growing Old Disgracefully Favourite food: Curry Favour Favourite body part: Hip Favourite genre: Tragic Favourite game: Jenna Marbles Favourite smell: Desperation Favourite furniture: Antiquated Favourite alcohol: Aged

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Emmet Baloney MARTIN O’NEILL has angrily dismissed claims he is in talks to manage the Republic of Ireland football team. Taking a break from a round of negotiations with yet another bottom-half Premiership club, O’Neill strongly denied rumours linking him to the Irish job. “The Irish job if it came up would be tempting,”… Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

A TRAUMATISED bystander today described the bizarre scene he witnessed at the Regency Hotel in Stoke. Enrique Sánchez Flores from Spain was waiting in the hotel lobby to attend a job interview when two people suddenly rushed in. “One was dressed as on old man. He was wearing a flat cap and had a beard…. Read more »

January 25, 2018 Craic & Codology

Desperately ill elderly man having arrived by trolley. Homeless single mother of four saying a prayer Dejected Irish soccer supporter Mayo supporter who doesn’t believe in God Banker seizing possession of three chairs British Remain voter hoping he can stay Ruthless landlord kicking five people out

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

PRIME Minister Viktor Orbán is facing mounting criticism from opposition benches for meeting Ireland’s controversial leader, Leo Varadkar. Hungary’s Labour Party leader has called for an immediate explanation as to why an official visit by Mr Varadkar to Budapest was not revealed until the day before it took place.  “This furtive meeting represents an implicit endorsement of… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

The country’s health service was plunged into crisis again last night when new figures were released showing that, in the majority of Ireland’s hospitals, hundreds of trolleys were still queuing up to be admitted to corridors. “It’s an absolute disgrace,” said one frustrated trolley outside St. James’s Hospital in Dublin. “I’ve been waiting for three… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

by Anne T. Biotic UFC champ Conor McGregor has called on Aussie flu bug H3N2 to “come out from behind the hankie” for a rematch, following the pair’s dramatic Christmas bout. The bearded battler insists the bug “just got lucky” during December’s battle on his home turf. The shock outcome left the motor-mouth Dubliner floored… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

I plan to launch a new make-up range for ladies and gents. It has shadow for concealing warts, cleanser for eliminating blemishes and a state-of-the art razor to make everything look smooth. It only goes skin deep but makes everything look good on the face of it! It’s free for only €5m. And the homeless… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

This time of year we can feel bloated and lethargic having over indulged during the holiday season. With this in mind Goldhawk asked some famous faces about their detox plans for January. Rosanna Davison  I take my health very seriously so I was shocked when my doctor informed me I was at risk of developing diabetes…. Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

This week: Blue Passport passport n official document issued by a government, certifying the holder’s identity and citizenship and entitling them to travel under its protection to and from foreign countries. blue n 1. an informal name for Conservative Party member or supporter. 2. Depressed, moody, melancholy, miserable, sad or unhappy. THOSE NEW PASSPORTS IN… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

Ireland striker Shane Long says he is “over the moon” to have reached his goals target for 2018 already this year. The Southampton man found the net during his club’s 2-1 loss to Crystal Palace for what was his first competitive goal since February 2017. The Tipperary-born forward said afterwards, “It was amazing to reach… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

A TOP RTÉ producer has revealed the thinking behind RTÉ’s heavily trailed new programme. “Basically it’s a mix of two old genres” he said. “’Strictly’ and ‘Name that Tune’. We will be asking the audience to try to name the, er, stars – heavily disguised as themselves – as they parade their, er, talents on… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

Organist plays out Morning has Broken the Story as the Bishop commences the service. Bishop Walsh: As we gather here today to honour the laughs of Al’s dearly loved career, let he who has never laughed at him cast the first stone. (Majority of the congregation chuck rocks at the altar.) All of us gathered… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

  MI5 Charlie Haughey  Shrouded in secrecy Shrouded in secrecy Covertly funded Covertly funded Toppled governments Toppled his own government Sinister motives Sinister haircut Installed spooks Installed bugs Interfered in Irish affairs Dabbled in affairs Caused chaos on the island Wined and dined on his island

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

Dear Charlie, What about ye? Hope you and Maureen and the other wee woman that writes for the Sunday newspaper are all in good health. Have you still got the helicopter on the go, despite the awful cost of fuel these days? Shocking the cost of living! We just paid out almost £80,000 for a… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

Exclusive Extracts from ‘100 Things We Already Knew About Donald Trump’ – President Trump is an unstable megalomaniac who has no grasp of politics or international affairs. – He is particularly suspicious of Muslims, Mexicans, Kim Jung Un, minorities etc. – However, the President likes to reach out to women. – Indeed, he has always… Read more »

January 11, 2018 Craic & Codology

NORTH Korean leader Kim Jong-Un has urged US President Donald Trump to “keep your belief in yourself”, amidst the storm of ridicule and contempt stirred up by a new book on the personal and political affiliations in the White House. Rallying around the beleaguered president, the revolting North Korean said, “Only now do I realise… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Our Brexit Staff, Phil Space IS THERE too much in-depth coverage of ongoing Brexit difficulties in the national media? That is the crucial issue my editor has asked me to address in this latest 2,000-word follow-up to yesterday’s piece on the protracted talks. But with over 11 months to go of the negotiating period,… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

HOW’S SHE cutting lads? Saoirse Ronan here to give you buckos some tips on how to have the perfect Irish Christmas. At this time of year Santy works up an awful hunger so I do always be leaving out a big plate of bacon and cabbage for the poor craythur. Don’t forget his throat will… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

Mary Lou McDonald As president of Sinn Féin, I’ll have ears for the most unfortunate and powerless. This applies equally to Leo Whatsisname and Cork Micheál, whoever needs my help after the inevitable 2018 election. Sinn Féin is a “sharing party” and that culture won’t change under my leadership. Bully for us! John Delaney My… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

Non-Starters Full Irish Brexit (off) Gregory Campbell’s Soup Fresh Press Leaks (with pinch of salt) From the Gravy Train Fishy Mess with Union Flapjacks Turkeys with Savoury Lies Cold Cuts of Duck á l’Orange Arleen Beef (with Theresa) Greens (off) Off the Trolley Bread and Butter-up Blancmange Steamed-up Sticky (Situation) Xmas Pudding To Drink A… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

Wee Martin (O’Neill): Having a really naughty little helper alongside you does not excuse being cheeky with Mr O’Donoghue when he is only asking why you wouldn’t let the other boys play proper football! Santa thinks bad boys like Martin should have all their games given to somebody else forever and ever. Missy Frances (Fitzgerald):… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

Fintan O’Toole think-pieces up 50% Huge increase in smugness among British and Irish governments Theresa May to maintain hard border with Boris Johnson Simon Coveney to make no territorial claim on Taoiseach’s office Vlad to keep pronouncing his special status No change in cross-border hostilities between FG and FF THOSE POLITICAL XMAS CARDS IN FULL

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

Guess Who? A thrilling game of whodunnit, who sent it and who buried it for all the family. You play a Department of Justice spokesperson charged with producing documents for the tribunal. How long can you obfusticate, circumlocute and lollygag under pressure from opposition TDs, defence lawyers and the media? The game ends, then resets… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

A LEADING member of Dublin’s Kinahan crime cartel says UFC star Conor McGregor should “take extra precautions” over Christmas because of “a high risk of being talked about by Paul Williams”. The warning comes after the sportsman allegedly punched a man whose uncle has a friend living next door to the son of a woman… Read more »

December 14, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Dead Man Walking  Favourite TV show: The Chase  Favourite chocolate: Bounty  Favourite song: Fight It Out, Pat Benatar  Favourite game: Assassin’s Creed  Favourite drink: Punch  Favourite meal: Knuckle sandwich  Favourite band: Five for Fighting  Favourite exercise: Shakedown

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Dee Pressing, Dáil Reporter HEALTH experts warn that Ireland may become “the most depressed country in Europe”, as fears grow that a general election may be called “every three weeks or so” for the foreseeable future. The grim warning comes as political pundits predict that regardless of what happens in the political arena, Fianna… Read more »

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

Inaction Man: When Bolsheviks and cowboys threaten to force Lady Frances to walk the plank, Inaction Man has to save her. Or does he? It could be a better strategy to be rid of her completely. Confusing.  Chest-Thumping the Board Game: This old favourite is expected to be the most popular toy of the Christmas… Read more »

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

1: The amount of Fine Gael TDs who still support Frances Fitzgerald  9000: The approximate figure of articles INM will write about Sinn Féin during the election  1.6m: The amount of clichés used by pol corrs last week, including:  “Time will tell”, and “it remains to be seen”. 12: The width in feet of Enda… Read more »

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

Call more meetings Rub jaws Make the crosswords a bit easier Just try to get on with each other for at least one day a week! Lock the door and block the keyhole Didn’t that Harris bloke promise to leave years ago? Never, ever mention Robert P. Remember Denis loves you

November 30, 2017 Craic & Codology

by Fintan Tool Boo-hoo-hoo! We’re nobody’s darling any more. Ireland’s humiliating bid to host the 2023 Rugby World Cup was bad enough, but now that Europe’s Medicines Agency and Banking Authority have both blatantly snubbed Dublin, it’s crystal clear that we lead the world in all-out failure. Why-oh-why do we excel at disgracing ourselves? We… Read more »