April 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Phil Frontpage IN A move that has already sent shock waves through Europe and the UK, Leo Varadkar has pledged that he will devote all his time and energy into doing everything that Chancellor Merkel tells him. Speaking to reporters in Dublin after meeting Mrs Merkel yesterday, the Taoiseach said that the two leaders… Read more »

April 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Cliff Edge THE ENTIRE world held its breath last night as the British Government teetered on the verge of the Brexit endgame. Following months of political uncertainty and bitter in-fighting, the Westminster Parliament has finally reached the make-or-break point in what has been a long and torturous road. It also emerged… Read more »

April 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

BORIS (noun) upper-class buffoon; slobbering idiot; statesman-like figure capable of occupying the highest political office. Example: “Cripes! Seems like all the others are so awful, there’s a real chance that the next PM could be a real Boris.” LEADSOM (adjective) repugnant; vile; obnoxious; detestable; unbearable. Example: “Everyone agrees that Andrea is completely leadsom – obviously… Read more »

April 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

So farewell soon, John Delaney, a man who rose without trace A self important egotist, with hardly a saving grace You bought us drinks, but now it’s time to induct you into the Fall from Fame. It’s double yellow, move along. And give us back our game. JOHN DELANEY’S GAFF IN FULL

April 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

Due to a recent human resource adjustment, we are now accepting applications for the CEO poser (‘Post,’ surely_Ed). This is a high profile, deeply challenging position, demanding exceptional flexibility and the skills to respond to a crisis even worse than the previous one for as often as it takes. The successful candidate will be proficient… Read more »

April 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

Charity organisations across Ireland were fulsome in their praise for broadcaster Gráinne Seoige last night, as news emerged that the well-known presenter had given shelter to a man with no home of his own for several years. The man, known simply as ‘John D’, or ‘Waterford John’, in order not to protect his identity, would… Read more »

April 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

LABOUR leader Brendan Howlin has welcomed the decision by the European Parliament to phase out daylight savings time. The Wexford TD claimed that not only would it be good for the economy but it could also boost his ailing organisation. “We in the Labour Party have been trying to turn the clock back for the… Read more »

April 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

by our security correspondent Lotta Cashe A digger was stolen in County Fermanagh in the early hours of yesterday. In a statement following the incident, a spokesperson for the PENIS NI said:- “The thieves used an ATM machine, stolen earlier in the day, to access the digger that was parked on a building site beside a… Read more »

April 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

by our soccer correspondent Dennis Balls Although not qualified to play for Ireland as yet, in demand strikers Grabdi Kash and Boro deMoni have joined two Irish outfits on loan, according to their agent Jon DeLayni. Kash has joined Abbots Town on a short-term two month deal while diMoni has hooked up with JMPHE Waterford… Read more »

April 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

CLASH OF HEADS: Tony after one of his post-match chats with Martin O’Neill IRELAND regular Tony O’Donoghue says he is “relishing” a new-found freedom in his role since Mick McCarthy returned to the reins of the national side. The veteran performer concedes he felt “quite restricted” under former boss Martin O’Neill who, he reveals, “didn’t… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Owen Goal League of Ireland footballers have hailed the news that FAI guru John Delaney gave a bridging loan to the organisation when it was experiencing cash-flow difficulties in 2017. The Waterford Native – who it was recently revealed had received €160,000 as a member of the UEFA executive, complementing his €360,000 FAI salary… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Narrow Margin  Favourite song: Ain’t That a Kick in the Head  Favourite TV show: Malcolm in the Middle  Favourite hobby: Counting chickens Favourite food: Hard cheese  Favourite exercise: Pulling rugs  Favourite detective: Shaft  Favourite colour: Rebuff  Favourite feast day: Assumption  Favourite body part: Cold shoulder

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Fertility Shock – RTÉ One, 9.35pm: Journalist Dearbhail McDonald investigates why so many people at INM are being frozen out and why others at the company continue to act like babies. Celebrity Globetrotters – RTÉ One, 8.30pm: In this week’s episode, MMA phenomenon Conor McGregor heads to the sunshine state of Florida for a meet… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has supported the return of the Irish woman detained in Syria on suspicion of links with Islamic State. “I’ve been advised that there’s no security risk whatsoever – seeing as this unfortunate woman was a serving member of the Irish Defence Forces, so she could not possibly have access to any worthwhile intelligence… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Our Political Staff Philipa Page THERE was no surprise in Westminster yesterday when it became clear that all 308 Tory MPs had thrown their hats in the ring to succeed Theresa May as prime minister. With confusion mounting over the UK’s disorderly Brexit strategy, the Snoresbury North MP, Mike Dullman, of whom no one has… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Could your child be the next Northern Ireland secretary? Take this short, simple test to find out if he/she has what it takes to be the next Karen Bradley? Does your child: Think Dublin is in Wales? Stare blankly into space when talking to you? Prefer to walk backwards? Round off the day with breakfast?… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Leo Varadkar and Mary Lou McDonald are in serious danger of being voted off top tv show Dancing on Thin Ice. “The dancing duo have dialed up their dalliance ever since Vlad had a falling out with his main dance partner, Meehawl,” according to Vlad’s spokesperson PR Guffe, “Strictly speaking, Vlad did not have confidence… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

KEITH FLINT THERESA MAY Famous for Firestarter Famous for firefighting Prodigy frontman Brexit straw woman Achieved mainstream success Achieved nothing Critically acclaimed Critics claim she needs to go Hardcore breakbeater Irritates hardcore Brexiteers Crazy make-up Makes it up as she goes along Energetic and charismatic Lethargic and charmless Originally a dancer Always out of step

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Theresa Brexit: Everyone in UK rushes over to Europe and then rushes back again to argue amongst themselves before rushing back over again and then back to… Boris Brexit: Kind of Brexit where everyone in the UK leaves the real world entirely, while simultaneously going nowhere. Bollocks Brexit: The attorney general’s Brexit – an extension… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Now that that one former British paratrooper is to be charged in connection with the deaths of civilians on Bloody Sunday in January 1972, it is of some comfort that the UK Secretary for Defence has acknowledged the courage of all the soldiers involved in the killing of 13 people on that day. Earlier official… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

The world of parliamentary farce was rocked with laughter yesterday when the EU unilaterally announced that it was dropping the backstop. “Yes,” said EU spokesperson Johann Bach-Stoppe. “We are replacing the word backstop with the word frontfoot. Other than that, nothing else will change”. Welcoming this bold new initiative, UK PM Theresa May said that parliament… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Yes Man Favourite song: Bad Romance, Lady Gaga  Favourite TV show: The Apprentice  Favourite animal: Fawn  Favourite food: Treacle  Favourite insect: Sycophant Favourite town: Blarney  Favourite exercise: Bowing and scraping  Favourite dog: Poodle  Favourite fabric: Flannel 

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

It is with great regret that we see our Irish friends sniping at us as we soldier on with hosting the Eurovision Song Contest. These boycott calls that have exploded on the scene have been levelled at Israel unjustifiably. Allegations about our alleged treatment of our Palestinian neighbours have been blown up out of all… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

WHAT YOU NOW CAN’T SAY ABOUT HOZIER: I found Take Me to Church a tad self-indulgent actually He isn’t exactly prolific with his one album every five bloody years, is he? Given how much he cares about the homeless, what’s he doing swanning around America? Bet he ends up like Bono, lecturing us all WHAT… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Una Mullawful For me, the Brexit turmoil brings back the awful memories of my harrowing childhood in the republican ghetto of south Dublin. Virtually all aspects of my life were caught up in showing support for ‘the cause’.  Nowhere was this more evident than in school. Each subject in the educational curriculum was geared… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Americans were “following every precaution and remaining behind closed doors” last night as the threat of Storm Conor continued to hang over the country. The latest trail of destruction saw one man have his mobile phone swept from his grasp and smashed on the ground by what the nation is calling “the most notorious accumulation… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Republic of Ireland gaffer Mick McCarthy says he is confident that his players know exactly what they have to do as he approaches the opening Euro 2020 qualifiers against Gibraltar and Georgia. With no room for friendlies and training limited to just a few sessions, many fans feared the squad would struggle to take on… Read more »

March 21, 2019 Craic & Codology

Lionel Messi has been named Irish Player of the Year by the Football Association of Ireland (FAI). The Barcelona ace said he was “absolutely thrilled” with the honour but also slightly confused, having never donned the green jersey in his career. An FAI spokesperson said the decision to award the Argentina captain was part of… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

1st Driverless Caravan Peter Casey, Liam Neeson, Ivan Yates, taxi drivers and assorted populist pundits 3rd Ecumenical Bandwagon Mr Fintan Tool, Mrs Mary McAleese, Ms Mary Robinson and Ms Sharia O’Connor 4th-Rate Stretch Limousine Lifesize cardboard cut-out figures of 32 smirking government ministers currently abroad on urgent business in various exotic hot-spots (That’s enough parade…. Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has pledged that additional investments will continue in a number of essential national projects, including the country’s largest drain. Speaking on Newstalk radio this morning, Mr Varadkar admitted that government agents had made “scandalous” mistakes in estimating the costs of the National Drain, which is situated in Dublin on the controversial St… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

Should the UK remain a member of the EU? YES [ ]  NO [ ] Are you absolutely sure, seeing as the earlier referendum was such a total fiasco? YES [ ] NO [ ] Should the UK adapt the Norway option, allowing everyone to live in Norway, where people are much better off? YES… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Phil Space Unlike everyone else paying tribute to the great composer and conductor on this very sad weekend, I will never remember the moment when I met André Previn. The intense feeling of excitement when he walked onto a stage was something I never experienced. Indeed, it’s all the more difficult to encapsulate the… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

THE Catholic Church has been rocked by new revelations that a religious sub-culture may exist at the Vatican. According to reports, there is a shadowy circle in the Church hierarchy who openly say Mass and engage in intense prayer sessions for hours at a time. “Obviously, there’s a lot of back-scratching and self-congratulatory orgies,” says… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

Former justice minister Alan ‘Allah’ Shatter says he hopes his vindication by the Supreme Court that he wasn’t “even half as bad as some people might have made out”, will “bring hope to victims of torture, oppression and demonisation throughout the world”. “If even one victim of injustice languishing in a cell takes courage from… Read more »

March 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Rail Correspondent Dee Lais THE controversial MetroLink plan through Ranelagh is now expected to be shelved indefinitely due to growing opposition from local residents. Despite the National Transport Authority’s initial claims that the €3 billion project would boost the economy by an enormous made-up number, prominent political figures have been lining up to… Read more »