May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Larry O’Toole DUBLIN residents are celebrating this week after an ancient relic was finally put back in its box. The curiosity is believed to contain the last remaining traces of St Bartholomew of Ahern’s teflon coating. The item disappeared in 2008 just before a violent economic storm engulfed the whole island. Many had hoped… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

BRITAIN is celebrating the latest Royal Baby in the traditional way with time-honoured front page headlines and sensational round-the-clock TV speculation. In newsrooms up and down the country, editors have been jumping for joy as they updated Royal Pregnancy articles with up-to-the-minute Royal Baby souvenir supplements. “It’s absolutely everything we could have wished for and… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Press 1 for Account totalled annihilated and can’t get a taxi home in the rain Press 2 for Card not being recognised by our ATM and a long, angry queue forming behind you Press 3 If you need a tenner to tide you over for the weekend   Press 4 If your car is being… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Drain the Shannon but don’t give the water to the Dubs Free Nathan Carter tickets for life Do something about the potholes Bring back Glenroe Stop pointing out that we set up the HSE Free exorcisms for ghost estates Funding to be made available for Men in Black style memory eraser

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Healthy Appetite, Wednesday, 8.30pm –  Join Ireland’s favourite chef Bertie Ahern as he manages to make a meal out of everything. In this week’s episode Bertie tries to avoid getting burned while cooking up half-baked excuses for some Germans. Can’t Cope,Won’t Cope, Tuesday 9.30pm – Stefanie is celebrating her good fortune after managing to convince… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Bocchrini’s String Quintet in e Major Shortfall Edvard Grieg’s Peer Skint Suite No 1 Chopin’s Nocturne in B-flat Broke Minor Elgar’s Pomp and  Dire Circumstances March No 1 Barber’s Adagio for Purse Strings Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue the Red

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Bertie Ahern, John Bruton and Brian Cowen to be left stranded in the demilitarised zone  Seán Canney to receive the freedom of Pyongyang  Bill Cosby to be granted political asylum in North Korea  Honeymoon suite to be made available for Donald Trump and Emmanuel Macron Workers’ Party of Korea to provide money to fund Fianna Fáil… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Monday: So here I am in the “Big Bagel,” as our treasured Irish-American diaspora call it. Enjoying the rich culture here, including traditional waffles and syrup in a legendary yellow cab. Minister Zappone assures me there has been nothing like my visit since the Beatles arrived here to be plunged into an unprecedented round-the-clock publicity… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Wes Hoolahan’s farewell Eamon Dunphy weeping inconsolably  Delia Smith cooking up platitudes  Martin O’Neill frantically ringing Stoke City Roy Keane making holiday plans  John Delaney looking for publicity  Jonathan Walters collecting old age pension 

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Description We are currently working on exciting new developments and will offer an introductory education programme to voluntary interns of all levels of gullibility. Your Responsibilities Indispensable administration role, including paperclip management and stapling. Emoji design superimposing happy faces on rugby ball. Removing stubborn unwanted stains from soiled jerseys. Banning uninvited Belfast hacks from press… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

BUST-UP: The two fighters pictured here at the weigh-in ahead of their lightweight title bout CURRENT title-holder Kevin “Boxer” Moron and title-challenger and previous title-holder “Canny” Seán Canney are set to contest the OPW lightweight title. The last time they met they shared the contest at six rounds each but Moron wanted to keep the… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Dear County Secretary,  As you are probably aware we are about to enter a sustained period of bitter, nasty and vindictive conflict over the next few weeks. Many of you have expressed concern for the weakest members of society who are at risk of having their lives terminated without warning.  While others within our organisation… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar is believed to be “incandescent with rage” over the royal baby’s media coverage. The Fine Gael leader expressed annoyance to advisers at the child’s ability to dominate the news cycle without any real effort.  Varadkar was forced to engage in a bout of pathetic grandstanding with some equally desperate Fianna Fáil politicians… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

REFERENDUM POLL: PUBLIC EVENLY SPLIT The latest opinion polls show the public neck and neck on the upcoming 8th Amendment referendum. Exactly 50% of those polled were pro-choice and wanted to decide for themselves whether or not they should stay in their local pub and avoid being canvassed at home. The other half were in… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Trading Places Favourite song: Mess Around, Ray Charles Favourite TV show: Deal Or No Deal Favourite exercise: Jumping ship Favourite food: Crumbs Favourite musician: Tom Petty Favourite hobby: Coin collecting Favourite shape: Obtuse Favourite actor: Henry Cavill Favourite animal: Grouse

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Canoeing  – Deep water challenge to stay afloat somehow while up a very unsavoury creek without a paddle. Treasure hunt – Hoping to get a few quid from  Minister Zappone. Backtracking – Not meeting those scary  Oireachtas scout leaders after all. Cookery challenge – Finding the most creative ways to make a dog’s dinner of… Read more »

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk breaks  down Communicorp’s whopping €34m price-tag for Newstalk Chris Donoghue’s hair gel bill: €3m Large collection of clichés and resignations: €4m 10 mixing desks: €14m Cost of teaching Paul Williams about current affairs: €10m Motley crew of jaded, uninspiring presenters  cowering in a corner: €3m One sensitive owner: Priceless

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

FANATIC: Cult leader Cody in one of his frenzies of religious devotion RESIDENTS in Kilkenny have expressed grave concerns over plans to construct a deeply controversial cultural centre in the county. Many worry the hub could encourage young people in the area to get sucked into a life of ideological rigidity and fanatical levels of… Read more »

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

56 – Unpublished Paul Kimmage articles about Paul Kimmage  92 – Spiked Rosanna Davison photo shoots  1400 – Joe Brolly eulogies for Tyrone footballers  3000 – Meghan Markle profiles  5000 – Barry Egan tributes to Bono  81000 – Contradictory Eoghan Harris opinion pieces  1.5million – Brendan O’Connor scoops on Norah Casey’s new mascara

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

Reader’s Question: I’m told Israel is warm at this time of year and is very welcoming. Would you recommend it? Mícheál Mac Donncha: I’ve just returned from visiting the region as part of my research into the ancient practice of cage-rattling which remains very popular in both Israel and the north to this day. To… Read more »

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to readers offering selected meanings of certain words  that have suddenly become newsworthy ‘Fodder’ 1. (noun) Food that is given to farm animals – and journalists! (Is that last bit true? – Ed). 2. (noun) People or things that are useful for the stated purpose. Denis O’Brien continues to provide great fodder… Read more »

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Muhreeum O’Callaghan MANY of you will by now have read at your breakfast table or received texts from family and friends that I have decided, this time, not to run for president of our wonderful little country. It is not a decision lightly made. Truly I have been humbled and a little embarrassed these… Read more »

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

By All Hacks IT’S ALL too easy to become cynical about the political impasse in the north, but even a hard-bitten commentator like myself was forced to shed a tear yesterday. Yes, I have to admit that the floodgates opened when my editor asked me to write a 1,000 words by lunchtime on the 20th… Read more »

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Barry Ego AS dramatic details emerge of an alleged data breach at Independent News & Media, the state’s watchdogs have claimed that sensational emails have been doing the rounds belonging to prominent journalists – or “persons of interest”. Quelle surprise! Of course they’re of interest – they work for the Sindo! As I said… Read more »

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

Martin Callinan’s version of events Jim Daly’s ministerial car Miriam O’Callaghan’s presidential hopes  Michael Oliver’s house Manchester City’s dream James Comey’s publisher

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

At Your Service – RTÉ 2: Sunday, 8.30pm  Fussy little men with way too much time on their hands decide to go through a struggling media company with a fine toothcomb to see what secrets lie inside (allegedly). National Treasures – RTÉ: Saturday, 6.30pm  This week John Creedon meets celebrity solicitor Gerald Kean who has… Read more »

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

After a Sunday Times survey revealed Fianna Fáil voters prefer male candidates, we take a look at some of those other Fianna Fáil voter preferences: Big strong arms (to carry brown envelopes) A deep voice (for speaking out the side of his mouth) Several senior county medals Has an uncle who can sort out that little… Read more »

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

Carrig-on Cowen: Sleepy backwater where everything can be deferred until tomorrow as you idle among the beer gardens surrounded by such unforgettable scenery as the Mountain of Debt and the Tide of Emigration. Ballymingflanagan: Often referred to as ‘just a bit Irish” because of its tiresome efforts to present itself as of “European” importance, this… Read more »

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

AS PART of the Letters I Wish I’d Sent series, assistant editor of the Sunday Independent Brendan O’Connor puts into words a letter he wishes he’d sent to himself many years ago. Dear Brendan, ow are you? Can’t believe Twink and Linda Martin agreed to appear on this week’s show. Tubridy must be bricking it…. Read more »

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

Fill in shock jock  Syrian rugby team coach  DUP MP  Sunday Independent columnist  Data Protection Commissioner Kevin Sharkey’s presidential campaign manager  Conor McGregor’s sparring partner

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Mal Ware COMMUNICATIONS firm Eir executives have said plans to deliver high speed broadband to 300,000 businesses and upgrade the system across rural Ireland will “remain unaltered” despite a voluntary redundancy package that will cut its workforce by 750. An Eir executive reassured the public today, saying: “There’s nothing to fear. The lad we… Read more »

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

Britain’s Foreign Secretary tells it like it isn’t QUADRUPLE CRIPES! What a busy week with all this bombing hoo-ha happening in Syria or wherever. Which means non-stop round-the-clock pressure for poor old Bozza. Let’s face it, the whole Middle East desert business is all a tad complex, but the MI6 chaps in the know reckon… Read more »

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Escape from New York Favourite song: Walking on Broken Glass, Annie Lennox Favourite TV show: Arrested Development Favourite band: The Trashmen Favourite chocolate: Double Decker Favourite accessory: Cuffs Favourite holiday: Rikers Island Favourite clothing: Jumpsuit Favourite food: Porridge Favourite exercise: Throwing shade