Loyalist group: “BRING BACK MARY BERRY”
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
HALF-BAKED: Loyalist gunmen calling for Berry’s reinstatement couldn’t quite figure out where the camera was THERE were demands by Loyalist paramilitaries yesterday that TV cookery legend Mary Berry should be immediately returned to BBC N. Ireland. Speaking at a secret location in East Belfast, a UFO spokesman told reporters: “Mary is a national treasure who... Read more »
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Glove off for US Golfers
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
US GOLFERS have won the Ryder Cup despite claims that their fans did it for them. The much better American side defeated the off-the-pace Europeans fair and square despite claims to the contrary by Rory McIlroy and Danny Willett. “They can piss and moan all they want,” said one American golfer, drinking a celebratory Arnold... Read more »
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Big Sam rues chance to fail
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
SAM ALLARDYCE says that his biggest regret will be not being able to bomb out at a major tournament as England manager. “As a young man I looked up to the likes of Graham Taylor and Steve McClaren,” said Allardyce. “Later I was inspired by Fabio Capello and Roy Hodgson. “Now I’ll never get the... Read more »
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Crime figures soar to record low
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
RELAXED POLICING: The Garda spa retreat in Templemore where all crime figures are massaged before release to the public by Our Crime Reporter Nick Nobody The GARDA Commissioner, Noírín O’Sullivan has welcomed the latest crime statistics as evidence of an astonishing breakthrough in the continuing war against law-breaking throughout Ireland. “Over the past year, we have... Read more »
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That dublin theatre festival schedule in full
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
A Comedy of Errors: Slapstick and farce all the way as two identical parties, separated at the birth of a nation, end up at a later stage trying to agree a government. Fantastic frolic but far too bloody long. The Field: John B Keano’s tense portrayal of a demented man’s determination to defend his goals... Read more »
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High-powered nerds to head NAMA probe
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
EXPERTS: The investigative team will include such brilliant minds as your man. You know your man. Your man that does be on the news sometimes. THE Government has promised a full-scale inquiry, “with bearded economists and everything”, into NAMA’s handling of its Northern Ireland loan portfolio. Following the publication of the Comptroller and Auditor General’s... Read more »
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Mayo fans to leave no sheep unpainted
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
EWE’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING: Michelle Mulherin has expressed deep upset that these painted sheep got tickets for the replay ahead of her MAYO FANS have vowed to leave “no sheep unpainted” in a show of support ahead of the All-Ireland final replay. Many supporters felt they left their “A game’”behind them in the build-up... Read more »
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HICKEY SLAMS GAA TICKET POLICY
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
By Ian De Post BELEAGUERED OCI official Pat Hickey has joined criticism of the GAA’s practice of supplying All-Ireland tickets to TDs, labelling it “beyond belief” and “like something out of the 1960s”. Speaking outside a police station in Brazil, the veteran sports administrator said sending out tickets directly in envelopes not only risked them... Read more »
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Blueshirt lackey: Mojo is bad Juju
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
CAR CRASH POLITICS: Pile-up caused when politician was distracted by ‘Mojo A FINE Gael politician has called for a recently released mobile game, Pokomojo, to be banned amid fears that “sooner or later some eejit is going to lead a lot of people over a cliff trying to get hold of it”. Kerry TD Brendan... Read more »
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‘Don’t panic, there’s another one coming,’ promise unions.
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
Unions engaging in strike action at Dublin Bus say commuters who have missed the last few strike actions should “stay calm and wait for the next one”. The current work pattern has left commuters deeply frustrated however. “You wait all your life for a strike and then 24 of them come along at once!” complained... Read more »
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PLOUGHING CHAMPIONSHIP COMPETITION WINNERS:
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
Riding on the Pigs Back – Farmer Mulherin Milking it – Farmer Halligan Running out the Gate – Farmer Donnelly Making Hay While Sun Shines – Farmer Apple Digging a Deeper Hole – Farmer Noonan Reaping What He Sowed – Farmer Hickey (Subject to inquiry) Prize Turnips – Nama Co-op Making Horse’s Collar – Dublin... Read more »
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Goldhawk Book Review
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
THIS first novel by James Joyce traces the political and intellectual awakening of young “Stephen Donnelly”– an allusion to Daedalus, the consummate “crafty man” of Greek mythology (Surely “craftsman”? – Ed) Joyce paints Stephen as an ambitious and ruthlessly self-seeking politician who questions and rebels against Irish political party conventions under which he has grown, culminating in his... Read more »
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PAUL WILLIAMS: LISTENERS ARE SCUM!
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
BIGGEST FAN: Gangland boss John G–illigan is said to be an avid listener of Williams’s show (Surely “only listener” – Ed) NEWSTALK HOST Paul Williams has branded all the people who don’t listen to his show as “scum”. The crime writer has taken over the microphone from Ivan Yates for Newstalk’s breakfast show but listeners... Read more »
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Topical Words
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
Compiled by Dick Shunery An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy This week: “Cook” 1. To subject or be subjected to intense heat: the government cooked under pressure. 2. to generate a controversy; to cook up a storm. 3. To spoil something. See also cooker:... Read more »
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James Reilly’s vintage car collection
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
Fine Gael deputy leader James Reilly is selling off his vintage car collection. Here’s a look at what’s on offer: Hogan Road- Hugger GT Sod One of the Big Beasts of the road, this wide-bodied hot rod convertible has been garaged for most of its life. However, it has been recently sighted around some of Europe’s... Read more »
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Those New iPhone 7 features
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
Fits even more easily down the back of the sofa without you knowing. Works under water up to 500m for 40 minutes or until you drown. Reinforced screen means great new range of games such as hockey, hurling and road bowling can be enjoyed without breakage. Empties your wallet. Smoother edges mean easier and faster... Read more »
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CELTIC WENT EASY ON BARCA
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
TOLERANCE: Celtic fans reach across the sectarian divide with a message of hope and unity CELTIC BOSS Brendan Rodgers has said Barcelona “got off lightly” because they are not Protestants. The Bhoys manager saw his side trash Rangers 5-1 in the Scottish Premiership before going slightly easier against the mainly Catholic Catalan side in the... Read more »
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Five-day Sale of Gentleman’s Effects belonging to Sir Anthony O’Reilly
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
Lot 1 Cartier diamond-studded ceremonial rugby ball engraved with the O’Reilly Royal Coat of Arms Lot 2 Elegant jewel-encrusted serving-bowl ornately etched with legend ‘Beans means Heinz’ Lot 3 Magnificent four-poster bed with reinforced inlaid Wedgwood carved and gilt with decorative female semi-clad Greek Shipping Goddess by Coco Chanel Lot 4 Waterford Crystal Cookie Jar... Read more »
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McGlue sticks to story
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
STICKY: The couple have been labelled sticky by fans because they can’t stop bleedin’ sticking to each other at matches JOE McGlue, Chief Security Officer at the FAI, has denied that fans were searched entering a recent game, as part of Operation Loctite, to establish if they were carrying banners protesting at John Delaney’s continued... Read more »
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‘CULTURE’ NIGHT – by the numbers
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
50,000 Irish Chelsea and Liverpool fans celebrate British soccer culture 0 Buses in service as drivers celebrate protest culture 5,000 Litres of vomit on streets of Temple Bar as drinking culture celebrated 2 Fights over All-Ireland tickets as culture of delusional politicians hailed 1,000 Soiled taxis as culture of ‘soiling taxis’ celebrated 3,000,000 Euro to... Read more »
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THAT FINE GAEL REPORT INTO ELECTION FAILURE SHORTFALL
September 21, 2016 Craic & Codology
What went wrong not quite right: It rained heavily on the Thursday Enda gave interviews They let their dogs chase us down the street Half the culchies couldn’t understawned where we were coming from Michael Noonan They mistook us for the Labour Party Lunch was just exhausting Recommendations: Never let them see you crossing your... Read more »
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LIMERICK MAN TURNS DOWN JACKPOT BONANZA
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
ROTTEN TO THE CORP: Finance minister Baldy Noonan pictured here doing his impression of Thing from the Fantastic Four MICK Noonan of the “Govt of Ireland” syndicate – which won 13 billion euros in the Apple “Orchard Thieves” competition – has decided to refuse the prize. Entrants were asked to answer just one question –... Read more »
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SHANE ROSS’S LEAST FAVOURITE BUS ROUTES
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
Lucanbleak to Ballintears Mountjoyless to Kincooledown Anywhere between Blackrock and a Hard Place Swordsdrawn to Malahideme Ballymoregrief to Ringsendinthearmy!
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Pints on me, says Apple boss
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
COOKIN’ THE BOOKS: Apple CEO Tim Cook said that he’d even stump for a few packets of bacon fries next time he’s in Dublin “Sound, lads, I’ll get you a pint next time I’m in Dublin” – That’s the message from Apple CEO Tim Cook to the Irish Government after the Cabinet decided to appeal... Read more »
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Pat Hickey: Stop asking me for Rio trial tickets
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
PAT HICKEY: No tickies BELEAGUERED OCI official Pat Hickey insists he “has no tickets for sale” for his highly-anticipated trial in Rio. The septuagenarian has also asked the public “to stop ringing me up asking me”. Sources in Rio say there is already “spectacular interest” in the predicted trial and that tickets, if available, would... Read more »
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EXCLUSIVE: ‘Anthony Weiner never sent me sext messages’
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
BALLS-UP: Weiner has described the woman’s claims as nuts A 26-YEAR-OLD US woman yesterday sensationally claimed she had not yet received any explicit messages from former Congressman Anthony Weiner. She told New York reporters: “Yes, it’s absolutely true. Anthony has not sent me any images of himself in his underpants.” But in an immediate response... Read more »
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THOSE ‘UGLIEST DUBLIN’ LOCATIONS
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
Leinster House: Hundreds of broken promises and washed up careers litter the place, with tall stories helping to obscure any sign of brightness amid a grimy air of stagnation. Croke Park: Incessant pools of blood and sweat accrue amid the skin and hair that is frequently carried on the wind. D’Olier Street: Tons of waste... Read more »
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GAA to introduce three new cards
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
The Gaelic Athletic Association is to introduce three new “disciplinary” cards to be used on a trial basis in this year’s All-Ireland Football final between Dublin and Mayo on September 18th. The full spectrum of cards will be as follows:
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McGregor gunning for victory
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
CONOR McGREGOR’S GUN UFC BOSSES are said to be on the verge of telling Conor McGregor that he can’t use a machine gun during his next fight. The Dublin brawler posted a picture on Instagram holding a large black machine gun while wearing a bathrobe. Now MMA supremo Dana White is becoming worried that, after... Read more »
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European fever grips Dundalk
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
PICTURESQUE: Dundalk is looking well ahead of the first Europa League home games ANTICIPATION is building in Dundalk as the Lilywhites prepare to embark on their first Europa League campaign this month. With trips to Russia, Holland and Israel on the schedule for the League of Ireland side, club officials are well aware of the... Read more »
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O’DONOVAN BROTHERS VS JEDWARD
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
DUMMIES: Jedward pictured with the O’Donovan Brothers after giving them a makeover JEDWARD have hit out at the O’Donovan brothers, accusing them of “putting on an act to get attention”. The migraine-inducing X Factor stars slammed the Olympic silver medallists for their “stage-Cork personas” and “faux-twin chemistry” during numerous TV interviews. DUMB “Like, OMG,” said... Read more »
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Major shake-up to Rose of Tralee
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
CONTROVERSIAL: Rumour has it that David Quinn will be entering next year as the Catholic Guilt Rose IN THE biggest overhaul of the format in its 907 year history, RTÉ says is to re-package the Rose of Tralee “to meet the modern interpretation of Irish womanhood” and to “reflect the prickly aspect of the rose... Read more »
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XPOSE launches TV3 schedule
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
Uz giys here at TV 3 are delighted to be able to bring you another seezun of all that is best in drama, sport, nooze and current affairzy things! It’s really, really ambitious, with lotz and lotz of original copies of stuff from England and some original re-runs as well!! Here’s a sample but not... Read more »
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RTÉ TO REVIVE ‘LOWRY TOWERS’
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
DON’T MENTION THE FRAUD: Basil Lowry TD RTÉ has announced that it is to revive the hilarious sitcom series Lowry Towers, about an anarchic patient hotel and its chaotic owner, Basil Lowry. A spokesperson for RTE explained that it was inundated with requests to show the classic series again. And who can ever forget these... Read more »
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THAT OBERSTOWN DETENTION FACILITY
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
Katherine Zappone claiming that centre is “fit for purpose” (as an incinerator) Young detainees complaining of burnt toast (and buildings) Michael O’Leary telling everyone to go to hell Snipers in watch tower on lookout for newspaper hacks Small cringing man (E. Kenny) hiding behind smoke-screen Serious overcrowding problems – ten to a roof Zapper’s meteoric... Read more »
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IRELAND’S LOST TRIBES – No 65. The Noonanites.
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
The Noonanites – better known as the Baldbarians- were a strange but prominent tribe that roamed Ireland around 16 BC (Before Christmas). Although scoffed at by the general population, they were also considered to be merciless and cruel by the many people who recalled their ruthless defence during the Great Battle of Hepatitis, which they... Read more »
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