Category: Craic & Codology

CARTOONS 4115-13

Keyes - Oppenheimer

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SHORTAGE OF POLICING SCARE-MONGERING ARTICLES SHOCK

garda

There was widespread shock throughout the country as several newspapers were accidentally published which failed to contain a single fearful op-ed calling for the recruitment of hundreds of thousands more gardaí. One irate columnist, clutching some pearls, explained: “It’s imperative that we dedicate every single inch in our national press to articles demanding that gardaí... Read more »

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MINISTER APOLOGISES FOR “PERFECTLY REASONABLE MILEAGE CLAIM”

petrol pumps

A prominent senior politician has apologised to the public for “erroneously submitting” a driving expenses claim for the last year which contained “barely any” gratuitous claims. Speaking of the grievous error, they said: “Last year, I fell far short of what is expected of me by both the public and my constituents. In failing to... Read more »

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DEVASTATING DROUGHT INTENSIFIES

Isolated Desert

Climatologists are warning of the long-term impacts of a ruinous dry spell which has reached near record proportions. The area affected by the drought, Rory McIlroy’s major trophy cabinet, suffered its latest setback last week after his slim hopes in The Open turned to dust. Hopes are fading among the scientific community that this tragic... Read more »

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ZELENSKYY “WILL NOT ABANDON IRELAND”

President Zelenskyy

By Warren Peace Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy has had a surprise meeting with Irish Taoiseach Leo Varadkar, during which he sympathised with the Irish people’s “unconscionable suffering”. Zelenskyy stated that the country’s seemingly endless housing and health crises had “struck a chord around Europe and the world”. “Rest assured we stand beside you, and Fine... Read more »

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CELEBRITIES REACT TO EUROPEAN HEATWAVE

Ryan Tubridy

Ryan Tubridy I’ve definitely noticed the heat being turned up over the last few weeks and ironically this has resulted in yours truly getting frozen out of RTÉ. Hopefully people will have chilled out by early September and I can come back.   Stephen Donnelly We’re all paying a terrible price as a result of... Read more »

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MEDIA FILLER NOT ABOUT BARBIE MOVIE SHOCK

Barbie The Movie Logo

IN AN unprecedented piece of journalism yesterday, a national newspaper ran a story that had nothing at all to do with the new Barbie film. Said the editor: “I accept it is highly unusual and apologise unreservedly, but a real event happened in the real world and a rash decision was made to report on... Read more »

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THOUSANDS OF EXTRA TAYLOR SWIFT TICKETS AVAILABLE

Taylor Swift

Concert fans’ hopes of gaining entry to Taylor Swift’s Dublin gigs next year have been boosted after promoters confirmed that RTÉ won’t be providing complimentary tickets for guests. The move, in the wake of recent revelations at the beleaguered broadcaster, “will probably free up a few thousand prime seat tickets, including backstage access and of... Read more »

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TDS’ HOLIDAY PLANS IN FULL

Brittas Bay beach

Helen McEntee Ireland is descending into a state of lawlessness, and there’s only so much one young, inspirational mother in politics can do to fight against it. I can’t wait to take my family away from Dublin’s anarchic streets to the safety of our hotel in downtown Kabul. Stephen Donnelly Various unforeseen costs have led... Read more »

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APOLOGY – IRISH WOMEN’S TEAM

Vera Pau

In common with all other newspapers, we may in recent times have given the impression that the Irish women’s team were set to make a major impact at this year’s World Cup. In particular, this perception might have been enforced by headlines such as “WIZARDS OF OZ: GIRLS IN GREEN SET TO TRIUMPH”, “PAUW’S PERFECT... Read more »

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SHOCK AS TV LICENCE RENEWALS PLUMMET

Noel Kelly

Noel Kelly All licence fees, consultancy fees, etc. are entirely a matter for RTÉ – and nothing to do with my very well-paid clients or myself and my teeny-weeny company. So, I think that clarifies our position and explains why I’m outsourcing any blame on this issue. Catherine Martin As this is such a sensitive... Read more »

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THOSE BARRISTER STRIKE DEMANDS

Four Courts

Pay increase so lawyers can afford second and third homes On-site Ralph Lauren store for Four Goldmines Free Leinster rugger tickets with each successful case Addition of extra fees to help with kids’ private educations Complimentary meal vouchers for Michelin-starred restaurants Guaranteed Irish Times column upon retirement

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CARTOONS 4114-02

Hickey - Barter Account

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CARTOONS 4114-03

Keane - rolling in

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CARTOONS 4114-04

Keyes - Face the music

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CARTOONS 4114-05

Keyes - invented wheel

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CARTOONS 4114-06

Lennon - rte barter

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CARTOONS 4114-07

Mark Wood - Monetise

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CARTOONS 4114-08

Mark Wood - Mountain Summit

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CARTOONS 4114-09

McCabe - rte root and branch

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CARTOONS 4114-10

Micko - Oireachtas TV the Musical

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CARTOONS 4114-11

Ozone 07-14-23

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OZONE

Ozone 07-14-23

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CARTOONS 4114-12

Keyes - sorry new car tie-in

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RTÉ APPALLED AFTER UNEARTHING EXAMPLE OF ‘GROSS CORPORATE TRANSPARENCY’

Ray Darcy

RTÉ has promised to conduct a robust review into its practices after discovering that one of its star presenters only received their publicly stated salary without any rewards from barter accounts or ancillary perks. Responding to the news that rocked the organisation, a press release stated: “We would like to apologise to the presenter in... Read more »

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MCENTEE DEFENDS RIGHT TO OFFEND

Helen McEntee

Justice minister Helen McEntee has sought to ward off criticism of her controversial hate-speech bill, saying it still leaves plenty of scope for people to voice offensive opinions. “We don’t want to police what people can or can’t say – we’ll leave that to the gardaí to figure out. But the public must realise the... Read more »

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THAT NEW RTÉ SCHEDULE IN FULL

RTE Montrose

Boardroom to Improve After discovering the old board to be rotten, wooden under pressure and derelict in its duties, can Dermot Bannon help new owner Kevin Bakhurst salvage this widely condemned property? Dancing with the Stars: PAC Edition Watch as top celebs Ryan Tubridy and Noel Kelly twist and shout under the intense spotlight. Though... Read more »

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THOSE BEST WISHES TO GIRLS IN GREEN AHEAD OF WORLD CUP

FIFA Womens World Cup logo

Marty Morrissey I think I speak for the nation when I say that we couldn’t be more inspired by the achievements of these girls. I’d even offered to head down under to personally drive them to games but I’ve suddenly found myself without a car. Stephen Kenny What Vera Pauw has achieved with these girls... Read more »

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RTÉ UNVEIL ITS NEW SUMMER CLOTHING RANGE

baseball cap

Salary cap Will be seen hanging over the heads of many of the station’s top brass for the foreseeable future but details are a bit woolly. Guaranteed to make recipients sweat but they will be hoping it goes out of fashion very quickly. Tubridy pants Contains very deep pockets that are terrific for anyone who... Read more »

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WIMBLEDON UPDATE

wimbeldon

As the eyes of the world focus on the sporting calendar’s greatest spectacle, we showcase the stars making tennis the talk of the planet, no, really. Rishi Sunak Despite his skill in unleashing volley after volley (usually against cross-Channel migrants), superb self-serving and spin, Sunak’s chances are in some doubt. So, will Britain’s current number... Read more »

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THAT FREE GP CARE EXTENSION PLAN

Doctor

Health minister Stephen Donnelly has outlined details of radical plans to roll out free GP healthcare to an additional 500,000 people. Speaking to reporters last night, Mr Donnelly said: “My new policy is to go wherever there are TV cameras and tell everyone about the huge benefits of adding half a million more patients to... Read more »

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ISRAELI CLUB ‘SEES MIRROR IMAGE IN ROBBIE’S PHILOSOPHY’

Robbie Keane

Maccabi Tel Aviv officials have revealed that former Ireland striker Robbie Keane’s footballing philosophy swayed their decision to give the Dubliner his first managerial post. “We were very impressed with Robbie’s attitude, which clearly showed we have the same aims,” said Macabre official Wipemm Outt. “He too wants to keep opponents under constant pressure and... Read more »

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WARM WELCOME FOR WORK-LIFE BALANCE ACT

Catherine Martin

Catherine Martin Green Party legislation is making a real difference for people juggling work with additional work. Take Ryan Tubridy, someone who has achieved the perfect balance between his personal life and professional duties by taking a really long break from the latter. Helen McEntee I make no apology for reminding everyone about my incredible... Read more »

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HILL 16 CONFRONTATION ‘NOT NORMAL PRACTICE’

Armagh brawl

GAA officials have reiterated that the ugly scenes of open combat between Armagh and Monaghan supporters on Croke Park’s Hill 16 are “not in any way indicative of Gaelic games” as these scenes of wanton violence are normally reserved for the pitch. Officials warned that further violence on the terraces could have repercussions. “We’d have... Read more »

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