January 12, 2017 Craic & Codology

TAOISEACH Enda Kenny says he has “no plans at present” to follow Manchester City gaffer Pep Guardiola’s announcement that his retirement has “already started”. The gaffer made his announcement after a run of poor performances, particularly on homelessness and the health service. But the sport loving Fine Gael leader says “any talk of imminent retirement… Read more »

January 12, 2017 Craic & Codology

GUARDIOLA KENNY Managed Messi Managed messers In control of the opposition Opposition in control Looks after millionaires in blue shirts Looks after Blueshirts and millionaires Hails Claudio Bravo between the sticks Hails from the shticks

January 12, 2017 Craic & Codology

POWER IS A DRUG: And Alan Kelly is the reason they call it dope By Our Medical Staff CONCERN is growing among medical professionals about the proliferation of chemsex orgies around the country. In particular, a building on Kildare Street has become notorious for its shocking scenes of rampant excess. “I’ve never seen anything like… Read more »

January 12, 2017 Craic & Codology

NO-SHOW: Sources have revealed that Huberman was off being unfeasibly successful and well dressed at another event LEADING Irish celebrity Amy Huberman surprised onlookers at an event yesterday when she failed to make an appearance or be photographed for the newspapers. The multi-talented actress and style icon stunned the event’s organisers by not arriving at… Read more »

January 12, 2017 Craic & Codology

PALACE INTRIGUE: Over the years, Big Sam has developed a reputation as a stickler for nutrition and conditioning DISGRACED former Limerick FC manager Sam Allardyce has t faken up a new role as manager at Buckingham Palace! (Surely Crystal Palace? – Ed) Allardyce will be responsible for ensuring that the popularity of the Palace –… Read more »

January 12, 2017 Craic & Codology

By Kevin ‘Kev’ O’Sullivan ONE REALLY is rather taken aback by the fuss created by our publishing that somewhat colourful piece by Mr Pell. The reason we felt compelled to print the article was to awaken our otherwise intelligent and informed readers to the rather alarming fact that there are some very nasty chappies out… Read more »

January 12, 2017 Craic & Codology

NOD AND WINK: Did Obama have his fingers crossed when he said Yes We Can? BARACK OBAMA is set to scrap his pre-2008 election slogan Yes We Can for the less catchy No We Couldn’t as his presidency ends. He rose to power aided by the famous mantra but eight years on many of his… Read more »

December 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

GENEROUS: This INM executive expressed delight at the board’s warm and humane treatment of staff by the Entire Indo Staff CHAIRMAN of the board of INM Leslie Buckley has assured employees that senior management will do its utmost to resolve the pensions dispute as soon as possible. In a statement released yesterday, Mr Buckley said… Read more »

December 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

WE ALL BERTIED: Ahern, pictured here in a cupboard, will be remembered as one of our most dignified statesmen THE world of politics has been rocked to its foundations by the news that Bertie Ahern, who did himself and the Fianna Fail party (But particularly himself — Ed) some, er, sterling service, is thinking of… Read more »

December 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

Roy Keane: “My earliest memory of Christmas was seeing this guy in the United colours in a Cork shop and knowing straight away that he was completely overweight. But what really annoyed the hole off me was that he didn’t seem to care and was actually acting all jolly about it! If you’re going to… Read more »

December 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

Business Breakfast Ace reporter Paul Williams eases listeners into Christmas with a hard-hitting investigation into the scumbag TDs who are hell-bent on destroying the good name of Ireland’s greatest entrepreneur, Denis O’Brien. High Ruin The inimitable George Hook talks to high-flying Communicorp’s Lucy Gaffney and discovers that – despite malicious rumours – the company has… Read more »

December 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

Brown Tongue Soup Havana Fritters with Potatoes (Half-Baked in their Dinner-Jackets) Red Snapper à la Castro –O– Junket Toadie-In-The-Hole Creeps Suzettes –O– Waffle with Syrup Pizza In Our Time with Leftovers, Cuban cigars –O– All washed up with Vintage Champagne in the Áras Selection of finest Reds Je Ne Regrette Riesling MUSIC: Buena Vista Champagne… Read more »

December 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

Dear Mr. Claus, I write in reference to the matter previously brought to your attention in which I sought total reassurance from you regarding an alleged plot to invade my personal space via my chimney on the night of December 24th next. I find it most regrettable that you have neither acknowledged nor replied to… Read more »

December 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

A Christmas Carol Perennial Dickens favourite, featuring Paschal “Scrooge” Donohoe as the miser who is determined to claw his way to the top. Co-starring Simon Coveney and Leo Varadkar as the ghosts of political humbug. The Adams Family Comic horror classic featuring the country’s most dysfunctional relatives! Heavy-duty laughs all the way as wise-cracking Gerry’s… Read more »

December 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

Playing the man on — Not enough women on the board Breaking ball — Not enough women on the board Last man back — Not enough women on the board Taking the man out — Not enough women on the board Target man — Not enough women on the board REVEALED: Terry Prone and Anton… Read more »

December 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

Playing field: Uneven surface faced by taxpayers in Ireland Flags: Something the regulator has been known to ignore Goal: To save as much taxes as possible of course Referee: Man with Irish accent who never blows the whistle Net: Big profits left after playing the game Penalty: Small punishment incurred if caught

December 14, 2016 Craic & Codology

PAWS FOR THOUGHT: Clares Rocket pictured after her ordeal THE GREYHOUND at the centre of the dognapping case in Limerick is not cooperating with gardai, according to sources. Clares Rocket was stolen from its trainers’ kennel and held hostage for two days before being recovered. Four people were arrested but specialist gardai vets have been… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

HAVANA LAUGH: Despite being in power for a similar length of time, Enda Kenny has never really achieved Castro’s level of popularity By Our Foreign Affairs Staff TAOISEACH Endless Kenny has paid tribute to the late Cuban president Fidel Castro, saying he felt a kinship with a regime “that had remained in place for decades”…. Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

This week animal behaviourist Richard Boyd-Barrett tells you how to stop your dog from making a mutt of himself Man’s best friend likes nothing more than to be patted on the head and told what a good boy he is. Alas, this yearning for favour can cause embarrassment to his handlers – and anyone else… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

I CANNOT understand why people think we are not being consistently consistent in our forward approach to retreating from bringing forward the issue of water charges, which are now almost behind us, going forward. I have repeatedly sat down and explained where I stand on this matter. So I have little left to say on… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

Over recent weeks (and years), we may have conveyed the impression that billionaire and Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump was in some way an unhinged xenophobic pervert and bully. Headlines, such as “Deranged Racist Clown”, “Misogynist Megalomaniac Moron” and “Crooked President-erect” may also have suggested that we had misgivings about Mr Trump’s suitability for the… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

LABOUR REBUILD: Howlin enthralled all three party members at a recent meeting in Cork THE Labour Party returned to the headlines with a resounding squeak yesterday as leader Brendan Howlin warned of “Trumpesque” forces at work in government circles. The Wexford TD accused Transport Minister Shane Ross of “acting the Trump” in blaming others to… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

GENTLEMAN’S GAME: The video features cameos by some very famous Irish rugby fans DETAILS OF a second Rugby World Cup 2023 video have emerged. The IRFU used actor Liam Neeson to narrate an epic montage of heroic proportions that left no one in any doubt that Ireland is the greatest country, bar none, in the… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

• The Late Late Toy Show: Watch Ryan Tubridy barely conceal his disgust for spoiled, precocious little brats in this annual family favourite. • Paul Williams: State of Fear: One journalist’s crusade to rid Ireland of scum and Newstalk of its remaining listeners.

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

THE MANNEQUIN challenge has been called off after the Irish Government was declared the winner. “There’s no point in continuing,” said a spokesman for the Guinness Book of Records. “Nobody could beat it as far as we’re concerned – 59 TDs standing completely still since February. “You can’t even tell if they are alive or… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

Weeden Quay Stonedbatter Hashbrook Ballymunijuana Rathgear Malahidem GPOverdose Arran Jun-Quay

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

WINGING IT: It is believed that the Kinahan gang is using tough northside pigeons to intimidate their garda counterparts By Hugh Knows A SENIOR Garda has strongly denied rumours that Commissioner Noirín O’Sullivan operated a private pigeon loft at the rear of Garda headquarters in the Phoenix Park. The denial comes amidst fears that the… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

IN A MAJOR escalation of its dispute with Ireland over ownership of Lough Foyle in Ulster, Prime Minister Theresa May now says “every bay, river, canal and lake in Éire rightfully belongs to the United Kingdom”. The Tory leader says that “as 99% of Ireland’s seawater and rain comes directly from Britain” the claim is… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

MORT LOONEY Although he has spent the past 16 months actively campaigning against Donald Trump, the Governor from Deadwood, Madison County, is highly regarded by Republican voters and is seen as a shoo-in for the Foreign Secretary job. In office, Looney will divide his time between improving his golf game and insisting that all visitors… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

GREAT WHITE GROPE: Hillary pictured playing spot the difference DEFEATED presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has lashed out at “certain people” whose presence in the White House “might demean the office of President of the USA”. Without naming anyone in particular, she has asked the people of America to question why they voted a known philanderer… Read more »