December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Lee Karse IN HIS latest effort to brown-nose the American President-elect, Taoiseach Enda Kenny says he is “willing and available” to help the billionaire businessman move into the White House during his upcoming visit to the US. “Moving house is a stressful experience and I’d be only delighted to carry boxes and stuff into… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

By our special correspondent Gail Force-Wynde A FERRY sailing from Shane-Rosslare to Fishgarda was denied entry to the English port this week and remained stranded on the Oirish sea overnight. The ferry attempted to access the port of Teacuppe but discovered there was a storm there also. Irish passengers on board were refused entry to… Read more »

December 1, 2016 Craic & Codology

A TEAM won a rugby match in Dublin at the weekend. The other team, which might have been expected to win, lost. No trophy was awarded to the winning team. The losing team suffered no demotion as a result of the match. Lots of players were injured in this game. Even more people got drunk… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

IN NEED OF A STEER: Mary Mitchell-O’Connor says she can’t for the life of her figure out why she’s become such a figure of ridicule EMBATTLED jobs minister Mary Mitchell-O’Connor says she “fully intends to remain on as a woman” regardless of the consequences to her career. The Galway politician has endured savage criticism from… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

FLIP FLOP: Zappone pictured at a recent pro-choice rally, fooling no one with the jumper by Our Political Staff  – Henry Magoo THE MINISTER for Children and Youth Affairs has strongly defended the Government’s decision to postpone any referendum on the 8th Amendment until 2018 at the earliest. Holding a small onion close to her… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

“I wept at the cruel injustice of those words, like poisoned arrows, aimed at sweet Mr O’Brien and kindly RTÉ. No more generous, more humble people ever walked this cursed earth! (Note to sub: I can do 100 more words on this guff if you need it).”– Brendan O’Connor “This is the kind of mean-spirited,… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

Part of house Seanie has still never seen €200m down back of sofa White elephant Tasteful, understated gold statue of Seanie and Gayle Catflap (for bankruptcy officials) Lonely Planet guide to US

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

‘SELFISH BASTARD’: Disgruntled FG leadership contenders lashed out at Il Papa declaring him a ‘total bo**ocks’ By Con Sealit ANGRY Fine Gael leadership contenders have accused the organisers of the 2018 World Meeting of Families of “undermining Irish democracy” and “prolonging everyone’s agony” by announcing Pope Francis may attend the event. “They must have known… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

HEALY-RAE’S BEEF: Danny says many cows have turned to the drink since being forced out of work by anti-climate change measures IRELAND’S leading climate change expert Danny Healy-Rae TD has accused America’s military of “deliberately setting up Irish cattle” to take the blame for holes in the ozone layer. “De Yanks went off to de… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

BUSTED: Children are already learning their rights off by heart and practising the lyrics to NWA’s ‘F**k the Police’ by Anna Stethic and Cal Pol IN AN innovative development in the industrial disputes affecting teachers and the gardaí, both the Association of Garda Sergeants and Inspectors (AGSI) and Association of Secondary Teachers in Ireland (ASTI)… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

This week, Goldhawk’s newest columnist speaks out about Brexit Is it any wonder that iconic rock artists, such as myself, are registering their total fokkin’ disillusionment with the whole shambolic post-Brexit fall-out by challenging this imminent dystopian vista and getting out of England before the bastards start putting up taxes. I mean, fok it! The… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

TOFF LUCK: Belvo boy and Fianna Fáil TD Jack Chambers avoiding eye contact with northsiders WHAT IS it about our elite colleges that gives such a distinct advantage in Irish life? Whether it’s high-flying businessmen (Michael O’Leary), politicians (Simon Coveney) or wooden statues (Ryan Tubridy), what is it about their really, quite unbelievably expensive and… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

GOD HAS issued a statement wishing Katie Taylor all the best as she embarks on a career in professional boxing. The Bray fighter had previously credited the Big Man for all her wins and blamed Him for recent losses but there is no bad blood, according to G. “It was fantastic PR at the start… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

LOOKING PENCE-IVE: VP hopeful Mike Pence who emerged from the crashed campaign physically unscathed but politically dead in the water REPUBLICAN vice-presidential candidate Mike Pence has emerged unscathed after Donald Trump’s campaign crashed into the grass beside New York’s La Guardia airport. The campaign bandwagon, which had 30 people – the remaining number of Trump… Read more »

November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology

FIGHTIN’ WORDS: McGregor dressed up for Halloween as a trade union activist from the 1980s CONOR MCGREGOR has refused to rule out talking a load of bullshit in the build-up to his fight against Eddie Alvarez in New York on November 12. The Dublin mixed martial artist, who was beaten by Nate Diaz last March… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

By Our Crime Correspondent, I.M.D Law NEWSROOMS across the nation were in panic mode last night as editors struggled to make contingency plans in advance of Ireland’s unprecedented garda strike. “I’m at my wit’s end!” claimed one veteran news boss. “We have always been able to rely on the work of the gardaí to fill… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

ANONYMINISTER: No seriously, who is this man? THE Government’s plans to introduce a sugar tax have come under fire from the lunatic fringe (surely “from concerned corporates”? – Ed). “Sugar is a basic human right,” said a man in a pinstripe suit, winding down the window of his top-of-the-range merc. “The plan to install sugar… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

THE NEW lobby group promoting greater representation of women in Irish theatre has been allocated €20,000 in Arts Council funding. “This is a major breakthrough in gender equality,” said an ecstatic Kate Tool, spokesperson for Waking the Feminists. “It will allow our young playwrights to update old-fashioned Irish dramas and make them much more exciting… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

GOING FOR THE JUGGLER: Prominent clown Mary Mitchell O’Connor AS REPORTS of menacing clowns continue, fears have been expressed that the trend is set to hit Ireland over the coming months. “There have already been numerous clown sightings in and around Dublin’s Kildare Street this week,” said a concerned garda spokesman last night, “and we… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

OUTRAGED: Under-appreciated writer (Surely “parasite” – Ed), Tom Boreen-Mann THIS YEAR’s Noble prize for Sour Grapes has been awarded to a gaggle of little-known Irish poets and critics who shared the award for their negative reaction to the Nobel Prize for Literature being awarded to a self-confessed “song and dance man.” Irish poets and writers… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

PUTIN THE WORLD TO RIGHTS: Vladimir pictured shortly after leaving his Samsung charging on his jet IN A FURTHER dire warning to anti-Assad rebels, Russian butch… er, President, Vladimir Putin has threatened to drop Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones on the Syrian city of Aleppo in his determination to oust government opponents from the stronghold…. Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

HOT AIR: Williams’s producer reacts to his latest outburst “I have sources on the inside,” explained Williams. “They are all on drugs but get TUEs off their doctor friends, who also happen to be their fathers. Then they get their lawyers, who are their uncles, to cover it all up, it’s a cartel and all… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

SMALL HANDS ON DECK: The crowd at a Trump rally for female republicans LAURIE-LEE DULL, a retired waitress from the remote town of Deep Throat, Arizona, has sent shock waves across the American political scene after admitting that she was never touched inappropriately by the billionaire Donald Trump. The 63-year-old mother of eight suddenly burst… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

This week, Goldhawk’s newest columnist flies into a rage about Budget 2016. Is it any wonder the country is up in arms after being totally f**king shafted yet again, thanks to another bloody budget giveaway by freedom-hating government f**kers fully prepared to dole out f**king cash completely gratis to old people who have absolutely no… Read more »

October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology

GONG TO THE DOGS: Protesters gather at Montrose to tell RTÉ what they think of O’Connor’s Cutting Edge By Pat Rabbitears – TV Critic RTÉ viewers have questioned the authenticity of the Irish Film and Television Academy (IFTA) awards after broadcaster Brendan O’Connor’s Cutting Edge picked up the Best Entertainment gong at the 2016 ceremony…. Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

KNOCKED UP: Crafty Mayo fans have revealed that — not unlike ‘the Curse’ — they made up the apparition at Knock and got an airport out of it. Gift. BEAMING Mayo fans have lauded ‘the Curse’ for giving them a great excuse for losing yet another All-Ireland final. After two weeks of journalists suspending all… Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

TORTURE: Williams’ listener reacts to his latest outburst NEWSTALK RANTER Paul Williams says people who read the Irish Times ‘How to be a man’ series are scum. The series of articles are the latest topic to come into the Breakfast show host’s crosshairs. “The readers and the people who write this guff are a serious… Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

HANKS A BUNCH: Lawyers have continued their search for desert island castaways to serve on the jury THE Irish Court Services have reassured human rights organisations that “no brainwashing or memory wiping techniques” were used to appoint 15 jurors for the upcoming trial of former Anglo Irish Chairman Seán ‘Fitzy’ Fitzpatrick. The move follows worldwide… Read more »

October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology

ENGAGEMENT: Fine Gael are sending a crack team of delegates to engage with the striking protesters The various groups involved in the water protests in recent months have announced that they intend taking strike action next week, according to one of the organisers, Leo Trott. “Ever since the water charges were postponed as a result… Read more »