Category: Craic & Codology

MIXED REACTION TO NORMAL PEOPLE CONTINUES…

Paul Kimmage

The question has to be asked: How does young Connell perform with such pace all night and half the morning? It’s long past time testing was introduced on film sets!– Paul Kimmage Excellent show! I’m very much in favour of two people developing a strong... Read more »

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‘CUSTOMS POSTS ARE NOT CUSTOMS POSTS’ – BORIS

Boris Johnson

By Our Brexit Staff – Poppy Cock THE UK government has again denied that the proposed post-Brexit customs posts at major ports in Northern Ireland are actual customs posts. Speaking to reporters yesterday, Prime Minister Boris Johnson insisted that the new boundary check centres will... Read more »

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TELETHON PLANNED TO AID RTÉ

TV guide

Celebrities are planning a telethon in aid of RTÉ this summer, with the proceeds set to cover the costs of “star” presenters’ generous salaries, as well as the budget to acquire new programming to distract audiences from the fact that Normal People is coming to... Read more »

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RUINAIR PLOTS RETURN

Ryanair

There has been a positive reaction to Ryanair’s plan to introduce face masks and temperature checks this summer, with many customers seeing it as an improvement on the airline’s previous service. Prior to the pandemic, a large volume of passengers utilised biohazard suits when queuing... Read more »

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HOLLYWOOD ACTOR QUARANTINED IN DALKEY

article-default

Exclusive to all newspapers IN AN extraordinarily frank and revealing four-minute radio interview yesterday, a well-known man spoke about what it was like to be quarantined in Dalkey. Profile of the famous Contagion star Full colour pics of actor’s wife End of real world still... Read more »

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WORRY OVER LC GRADING IN TWO SCHOOLS

exam

By our Education correspondent – Max Pointz St Kinahan’s in Dubai Drive, Drogheda, and the college run by the Monks of Hutch Street were named as the two schools likely to secure maximum points for all of their Leaving Cert students. “The kids also sent... Read more »

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UK WARNED THAT BORIS ‘MIGHT NEVER GO AWAY’

Boris Johnson

By Ann T Biotic Health experts in Britain say it could “take years” to develop a vaccine to eradicate Boris Johnson and that, in “a worst-case scenario”, he could linger “for decades”. “We have to flatten the Conservatives or we’re all doomed,” pleaded 20 panicking... Read more »

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ODE TO THE GAA ON THE PRICE OF PANDEMIC TO ITS CULTURE

GAA

No stout lads now with pace and grace Will serve great Croker’s coffers. No major sponsors shall embrace Our games with improved offers. No more the joy of equal duel And a replayed clash of ash. Oh Covid, Covid, Covid cruel You’ve left us short... Read more »

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FACIAL COVERING TO BE ENCOURAGED

lying face

Minister for Transport Shane Boss has said it is likely “TDs will be encouraged to save face” when making public appearances from next week. Given that questions continue to mount over testing, tracing and the protection of nursing homes during the Covid-19 crisis, the minister... Read more »

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EASING OF RESTRICTIONS SPARKS PARTY CHAOS

Party Chaos

Significant obstacles have arisen following the easing of the moral restrictions, which have allowed FF, FG and the Greens to begin coalition talks. Despite initially promising signs, old frictions have returned after news emerged that FG staffers were planning for a possible second wave of... Read more »

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JOE BROLLY – NO ONE HAS SUFFERED MORE THAN ME

Joe Brolly

With the GAA Championship in disarray, it’s a timely reminder that this organisation has been hopelessly adrift for months. Indeed, long before coronavirus, the cliff edge was reached the moment RTÉ Sport took the insane decision to shy away from hard-hitting analysis by yours truly.... Read more »

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MAJOR STICKING POINT REVEALED

sticking point

A leaked outline of a draft programme for government has shed some light on how the position of a ‘rotating taoiseach’ might work under a three-party coalition. The question of which party leader gets to make any public addresses regarding the easing of restrictions, subsequent... Read more »

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MORE TALENT EMERGING AS POSSIBLE SUCCESSORS TO SEAN O’ROURKE

Twink

Twink The ageless performer’s centuries of experience at the heart of pantomime make her an ideal candidate for probing the inner workings of the Irish political world. Denis O’Brien The Cork-born moneybags would leave no writ unturned in his determined efforts to get to the... Read more »

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ROSS – UEFA BAILOUT FIASCO ‘A SUCCESS’

Shane Ross

by Our Sports Staff Phil Corporate-Box Shane Ross has welcomed news that the FAI won’t be receiving any money from UEFA this year as it already got its 2020 allocation back in 2018. “It has taken intensive expertise to bring our national game to its... Read more »

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CRIME WAVE FEARS AS EGG SHORTAGE BITES

X-Ray

Fears of a ‘crime tsunami’ being unleashed across Ireland were increasing yesterday as the country’s eggs crisis hardens its grip. Garda sources say they are “seriously concerned” by reports of egg smuggling in the border regions as hard-boiled drug barons and diesel shifters scramble to... Read more »

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GOVERNMENT MINISTERS WILL NOT BE TAKING COVID-19 PAY CUT

harp

Exclusive to all newspapers On Other Pages Bears continue to defecate in woods. Pope will not stop being a Catholic.

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EDDIE HOBBS: MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

Eddie Hobbs

With GDP plummeting to an all-time low and there being no hope whatsoever of a magic monetary pill, Ireland’s meltdown economy now faces the worst recession since the beginning of time. Incomes: As jobless figures hover around 178% and the Euro reaches parity with the... Read more »

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KENNY ADMITS TO BEING ‘ABSENT HUSBAND’

Enda Kenny

Enda Kenny has said he was an “absent husband” during his time as taoiseach, allowing the country to fall apart while he relaxed at home with wife Fionnuala. His rare public comments came during an appearance on Des’s Island Discs, where his song choices included... Read more »

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FRESH DEMANDS THAT BARBERS RE-OPEN

Long hair

There is growing support for the campaign by the Confederation of Organised Men’s Barbers (COMB) to persuade the government to allow barbers to re-open. Todd Sweeney of COMB, based in Trim, says it is ready to fly in 800 Turkish barbers to deal with the... Read more »

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THOSE LOCKDOWN STATISTICS IN NUMBERS

statistics

77%  – Percentage of gardaí who would dearly love to have special powers retained forever and ever. 151,709 – Number of people who learned their neighbours’ first names. 655 – Number of times so far that every parent has been forced to watch Frozen with... Read more »

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

StD3809

Kim Jong-un Boris Johnson Oversees hard border in Korea Overlooked hard border in Ireland Rumoured to be dead Alive and miskicking Poisoned brother Poisoned relations with the EU Rules through spreading fear Spreading fear through incompetence Mystery surrounding childhood Mystery surrounding number of children Always... Read more »

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2 GREAT KNOCKDOWN OFFERS FROM THE LOCKDOWN MARKET

Covid Bracelet

Belt’n’Loops Designed by leathercraft artisans in Morocco, the Belt’n’Loops are made from genuine camel leather. The belt hugs the waist and the loops are attached to the wrists, the cords prevent the wearer from being able to touch their eyes, nose or mouth. NOTE: Belt’n’Loops... Read more »

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PLANS TO LIFT RESTRICTIONS ANNOUNCED

Janus

Fine Gael has taken the drastic decision to finally ease long-standing restrictions. Leo Varadkar told a press conference, “We’ve decided to end these self-imposed curtailments and join forces with Fianna Fáil.” “For close to 100 years, our two parties have been practising the strictest of... Read more »

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NEW OUR FATHER FOR VIRTUAL MASS

cross holy

Our Father, who art in isolation Hallowed be thy toilet roll Thy sanitiser come Thy will be done At home whilst watching Netflix Give us our daily Tony Holohan press conference And forgive us our trips to Dunnes Stores As we forgive those who cough... Read more »

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TV REVIEW

Shed

SHED OF THE YEAR Over eight weeks, 21 garden sheds owned by celebrities working in Montrose will compete for the Shed of the Year title. This week we feature Claire Byrne, Marty Morrissey and Ryan Tubridy. Before you could say “publicity opportunity”, our modest celebs... Read more »

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COVID-19 NOTHING COMPARED TO WHAT’S COMING!!

Fianna-Fail Fine-Gael

A shocking new condition that could make Covid-19 “seem like a picnic in the park” may be unleashed on the Irish population in the coming months, medical experts have warmed. Codenamed ‘FFG’, experts say the “potentially devastating mutation” will be the inevitable outcome of two... Read more »

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LIFE AFTER THE PANDEMIC – BUT NOT AS WE KNOW IT

FIntan O'Toole

Fintan Tool Covid-19 connects us de facto to our primeval ancestors. Indeed, pestilence and the morbid fear of plagues have always been part of the human condition per se. Astoundingly, hardly any commentators have attempted to elucidate the long-term effects that this unprecedented situation will... Read more »

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RESTRICTIONS LATEST

MICHAEL D HIGGINS

The government has said it has no plans to impose restrictions on the amount of press releases being issued by President Michael D Higgins. Over the past few weeks, the president has released statements on Covid-19, John Prine, Tiger King, Daniel & Majella’s Road Trip... Read more »

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FACE-MASK DEBATE INTENSIFIES

Face Mask Debate

Concern is growing that Irish politicians are attempting to mask their deficiencies by presenting a different face in public. “Two-facedness is an epidemic in Irish politics,” said one WHO official in a stark warning. “Infection is rampant in the Dáil and TDs will attach to... Read more »

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NO FAI DISASTERS ‘FOR AT LEAST SIX WEEKS’

Football Association of Ireland_logo

FAI officials say it will “probably be June at least” before the organisation can begin providing “any kind of decent scandals or laughable behaviour”. Hopes were raised last week that the organisation had lifted its restrictions on blundering activity after senior-side manager Stephen Kenny attempted... Read more »

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STUDENTS ACCEPT POST-EXAM PISS-UPS DEFERMENT

Party night

Leaving Cert students across the country have welcomed education minister Joe McHugh’s decision to postpone this year’s post-exam piss-up and drugs fest until late summer. “In fairness, June would have left us at a serious disadvantage, what with the pubs probably still closed,” said a... Read more »

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BEST EVER LEAVING CERT RESULTS PREDICTED

exam

by Our Education Staff – Phil Boxes In an attempt to counteract accusations that the delayed 2020 Leaving Cert exams will be dumbed down, the Minister for Education today released a specimen paper to show that the standard was “as high as ever, if not... Read more »

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GOVERNMENT READY TO GIVE YOUTH ITS FLING!

Dail Eireann

LIFTING THE RESTRICTIONS – EXCLUSIVE Following pressure from cash-strapped publicans, the government has decided to allow pubs to only open to young people initially. This will allow teenagers, who walked away from their €80 per week part-time jobs for the €350 per week Covid-19 unemployment... Read more »

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DOCTOR LEO SCRUBS UP AGAIN

Leo scrubs up

With the HSE fighting to contain the Covid-19 outbreak, hundreds of former medical professionals have rejoined the struggling organisation. “We are grateful for any additional help. However, it’s safe to say that some returning staff are more welcome than others,” said one hospital porter, glancing... Read more »

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HOME-SCHOOLING BOOTCAMP WITH KATHRYN THOMAS

Kathryn Thomas

The coronavirus outbreak offers a great opportunity to help kids develop new skills in a caring family setting. By following these simple guidelines, your children will soon be enjoying a magical learning adventure. 1 -Discipline Learning won’t ever take place without proper control. Above all,... Read more »

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HOW LONG WILL IT LAST?

An Dail

by Our Political Staff Phil Page As Fine Gael and Fianna Fáil edge closer to agreement on a programme for government, every journalist in the country is now asking the same question: Will this filler piece about the new coalition run out of steam before it... Read more »

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