• We Need to Talk about Kevin — RTÉ 2: 7PM — Unsettling thriller in which a hapless executive assistant finds himself targeted in the middle of an election. Some great car chase scenes.
• We Need to Talk about Kevin — RTÉ 2: 7PM — Unsettling thriller in which a hapless executive assistant finds himself targeted in the middle of an election. Some great car chase scenes.
And lo at that time there came amongst the people a bestubbled man known as Blessed Paddy of Cosgrave who didth vow to save their streets and put roofs over their heads. And there was great joy and much dancing and clapping of hands amongst the poor and the homeless for all knew he promised great happiness in all his doings.
And the people followed him on foot and on Twittereth and even by Instagrammon, and great hope filled their hearts – especially when Paddy preached “woe to the Kingdom of Montrose who spreadeth fake news that these wretched people are thieves and robbers or something like that anyway.”
But soon a voice revealed that Paddy didth not scorn King Leo for his treachery when he didth speak to him on Mount MoneyConf. And the people saw Paddy was not a lion but a kitten. And with much gnashing of teeth and wringing of hands they returned to their rooms at the inn and their doorways and a great weeping was heard throughout the land. And all said never would they bow to Paddy of Cosgrave again. Ever.
Favourite film: Eurotrip
Favourite song: Taxman, The Beatles
Favourite TV show: Home and Away
Favourite GAA team: The Exiles
Favourite herb: Basel
Favourite cheese: Swiss
Favourite chocolate: Toblerone
Favourite accessory: Deep pockets
Favourite exercise: Splash the cash
An occasional series in which resident Doctor Leo answers readers’ concerns
During a routine examination it was discovered that I have been sitting on a rather large lump sum for several years. I should have kept an eye on it as there is no accounting for why it is there or even whether it is a benign or malignant discovery.
As you can imagine it is very uncomfortable for me and I’m told if it persists I may end up without a leg to stand on. Can you save my arse?
Yours with concern,
It does sound like the kind of thing that badly needs to be cut out.
In the meantime, my advice to you is to continue working as if nothing has happened, but at all times adopt a ‘sit tight’ position while keeping your head down
Hopefully this will help to ease the pressure and it will all fade away. Works for me every time.
Gorgeous, sassy Jemima Madrigal, the country’s stunningly beautiful culture minister, positioned herself pertly as the sleek, top-of-the-range Lexus made its way along the leafy suburbs of Cosgrave Avenue. Glancing briefly at the temporary halting site, she grimaced, wondering why such unkempt scenes were necessary at a time when Ireland’s economy was booming.
A tiny translucent tear trickled down the exquisite peach-skin purity of Jemima’s perfectly formed cheeks. How on earth did these people ever expect to get anywhere if they chose to remain living in halting sites?
After all, there was no secret about her own meteoric career as a highly successful solicitor before being elected to the Dáil in 2016. It was simply a matter of hard work, extraordinary talent and all-round brilliance.
Yet Jemima had only just begun to make her iconic mark on the glittering world of Fine Gael politics. Nothing was beyond her – an expert on all things artistic, Irish law, adoption, the Catholic Church, constant media appearances – and now there was her seminal novel about an alluring government minister who was destined to go right to the top.
No wonder she had bonded so well with the current taoiseach. Oh, yes, there was so much more to Leo than his beaming smile and tanned, finely chiselled features.
Jemima always shuddered to hear his critics’ cruel comments. “Vlad’s nothing but a ruthless opportunist,” they said. “He’ll do anything to stay in the public eye.”
There was only one possible response from Jemima. “I know – that’s exactly why we’re so well suited.”
Gaelic games supporters across Ireland were last night urging GAA President John Horan to issue a formal thank you to the Swiss tax authorities after a donation of €100,000 was made by a Swiss resident to every county board in Ireland.
“Fair play to the Swiss,” said a club treasurer in Kilkenny. “If the man had been paying his taxes here like the rest of us, that money could have been whittled away in some new children’s crèche or something.”
A club secretary in Limerick added: “The Swiss have been brilliant for Gaelic games here. The GAA hierarchy must invite their top tax official to throw in the ball at next year’s All-Ireland finals as a sign of respect and appreciation.”
Technology: 12,000 new pencil sharpeners to be purchased
Diversity: Doesn’t always have to be salt, vinegar and ketchup on the snack box
Traffic: Always allow room for a pushchair between the squad car and the wall when parked on the kerb
Listening to victims: Be sure to take careful note of what he remembers if he threatens to sue us
Communications: Sergeant’s door to be left ajar at all times
Solving crimes: We’re going to re-open all those cold cases so one of the lads will give you a shout when he comes in on Tuesday
FOSTER verb. (From the Ulster Scots.) To promote or look after oneself at all costs as an absolute priority. E.g. “Arlene did everything in her power to foster her own interests at the RHI Inquiry.”
SPAV noun. A wide boy, Jack-the-lad. Slick operator who makes a living from underhand activity that benefits his relations. E.g. “The DUP employed a right bunch of spavs to run the cash-for-ash scheme.”
BRADLEY adverb. In a desperate manner designed to convey the impression that all is going well when one is presiding over a disaster. E.g. “The Secretary of State is bradley in need of an Irish history lesson.”
By Dee Nied
Gardaí say they were “shocked and alarmed” at the efforts of a lone female who tried unsuccessfully to get into the president’s office at Áras an Uachtaráin.
Observers say the woman – known as ‘Gemma’ – seemed “very, very desperate” to get into the building. “The poor thing was running about the place for weeks pleading for help to give her a leg up”, said one eye-witness.
“She had this intense look in her eyes and kept saying how everyone who disagrees with her is corrupt,” said another. “She may have looked pathetic but could have been very worrying if she had got in.”
One garda recalled that a Northern Ireland woman who gained access to the presidential suites some years ago was recently seen “annoying the hell out of the Pope”.
Do you wish to remove the phrase, “publication or utterance of blasphemous matter” from article 40 of the Irish Constitution?
YES [ ] NO [ ]
Do you wish to remove Roy Keane and prohibit him from constantly bollocking all those lazy fucking players?
YES [ ] NO [ ]
Is Leo Varadkar an exceptionally trendy taoiseach or a reallyexcellent taoiseach?
YES [ ] NO [ ]
(That’s enough blasphemy – Ed)
By All Financial Hacks,
There was a renewed outpouring of lengthy articles this week marking the 10th anniversary of the crash as economic experts struggled to come to terms with the fact that it was all very old news.
Day after day, newspaper front pages were filled with hundreds of long-winded headlines entitled “The Crash: 10 Years On” and “Ireland Exposed To Another Crash – ECB Warning”.
Said one delighted editor, “For the past year, we’ve been filling up space with depressing pieces about the Brexit negotiations and the housing crisis, but the latest credit crisis anniversary stories and the possibility of a renewed financial crash have changed everything, giving desperate media outlets a reason to be really positive about the future.
“At long last we have something new with which to fill our dire papers over the coming weeks. Fingers crossed, we can get at least another month or so out of this 10-year anniversary of the tragic crash story.”
PLUS: Stats, charts, scare-mongering, stock exchange pics etc.
President Michael D has announced he will be making a surprise appearance on Dragons’ Den during the presidential election campaign.
The president is rumoured to have a sure-fire, seven-year business idea to put to dragons Gavin Pompuss and Peter Who-he.
He will say he has already trademarked the brand name Twee and has arranged temporary premises in the Phoenix Park Business Estate at Áras House. He estimates that brand Twee will generate an income of €1.75m over the seven years of his business plan.
He says he plans to retire after the seven-year stint, but the judges are unlikely to be convinced about this. However, all three judges have intimated that that they will compete with one another for a slice of the action.
Meanwhile, presidential hopeful (surely “hopeless”– Ed) Seán Gallagher is promising to provide everyone in the country with the opportunity to have their photo taken with him if he is elected president. A professional photographer will take the pics, so it will be a “Seánie” rather than a “selfie” he joked.
Gallagher has promised to deliver the photograph personally to every household.
“The specially framed photograph will be cherished forever by its owner, their partner of either sex, their extended families and their friends – including those who self-identify as LGBT, OAP or FF,” he promised.
(On the instructions of Mr D O’Brien, Sleezma, Malta) 1,000s of incredible knock-down prices including:
Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!
While Dinny’s empire lasts!
THERE was huge relief throughout the country last night at the news that US President Donald Trump has postponed his planned visit to Ireland in November.
On the streets of the capital, hundreds of Dubliners opposed to the visit hugged one another, saying: “We’re just very happy that we won’t have to go out in the winter weather to protest against a petty tyrant who seems fully intent on being taoiseach for at least another term.”
WHAT WE WON’T SEE:
(That’s enough non-Trump visit – Ed)
Armed robbers, extortionists and terrorist groups across Ireland say they are “outraged” at landlord agents and gardaí wearing balaclavas when evicting housing activists, claiming that it is cultural appropriation.
One notorious gangster holed up in Dublin’s inner city says the practice may even cost him his livelihood. “I could easily be mistaken for one of these faceless goons while merely going about my normal business of robbing a post office,” he said angrily.
“I would lose the total respect of my community, not to mention that of my boss in Spain who would almost certainly fire me – or worse. Do these heartless goons even care who they hurt? It’s outrageous!”
The Giant’s Causeway:
Situated in Scotland, the most scenic of all Northern Ireland’s counties, the Causeway is the province’s most popular golf course and was constructed over 60 billion year ago by the legendary landscaping firm of Fionn, Mac and Cool.
Belfast, in the heart of County Londonderry, was the last port of call for the doomed Lusitania just days before it was sunk by Russian jets off the coast of Leitrim during the Irish Civil War. The balaclava worn by Fianna Fáil Taoiseach Michael Collins as he tried to drink tea during the attack is one of many fine exhibits on display.
Séamus Heaney Homeplace:
The tiny two-storey cottage that Ireland’s most famous poet shared with his mum, Peig Sayers, is a veritable time capsule. Browse Heaney’s love letters to Irish terrorist Maud Gonnoffwithoutwarning, before taking in some traditional Irish pastimes like darts and road bowling.
The key objectives of the Irexit Freedom Party are as follows:
By Barry Ego
New parents Vogue Williams and Spencer Whatsisname are reported to be “absolutely ecstatic” following the arrival of a brand new picture spread in their lives.
Much to the happy pair’s delight, the sweet little feature was talking “Hello, money!” only days after being delivered by a photographer.
Said a close friend of the family, “Vogue is over the moon! After nine months of expecting at least six pages, she is delighted at last to be able to hold the latest issue in her arms and kiss it. I’ve never seen her so besotted. She simply can’t put it down!”
The couple, who also had a baby last week, are said to be “already planning” another happy event. “They’d like to have a nice new cheque to add to the family,” said the friend. “As long as it’s not a bouncing one of course!”
|SERENA WILLIAMS||ROY KEANE|
|Smashed racket||Causing a racket|
|Inspired by Arthur Ashe||Irritated by Harry Arter|
|Infamous sister||Infamous temper|
|Coached from crowd||Infamous temper|
|Lost a major tournament final||Lost out on a major tournament|
|Supports Colin Kaepernick||Support is running out|
Favourite film: Baby Boom
Favourite song: Moneytalks, AC/DC
Favourite TV show: The Killing
Favourite band: Picture This
Favourite food: Nest eggs
Favourite animal: Cash cows
Favourite exercise: Lap of luxury
Favourite magazine: Eh, HELLO!
Favourite village: Prosperous
Favourite interest: Royalty
Britain’s ex-foreign secretary tells it like it isn’t
Multiple cripes! What absolute tosh about yours truly having blotted his marital copybook over recent months. Complete fuss about nothing – courtesy of all these gutter press reptiles filling up their pages with stories about a mystery blond bombshell, ie yours truly.
I mean, having a top-notch reputation as a full-blooded horizontal jogging machine has done wonders for the Trumpster. Indeed, dozens of prominent Tories have had the odd extra-marital liaison and it worked to their advantage. I’m told, for instance, that Jacob Rees-Mogg once had a torrid fling with Queen Victoria – and no harm came of that, I can assure you.
Let’s not forget Bojo’s tireless work highlighting EU tyranny and calling for a hard Brexit during my heady days in the Foreign Office. Thankfully, people throughout the entirety of Scotland, Northern Ireland, Wales, the North and everywhere else I’ve never visited have given me their full support.
Meanwhile, it was a sizzling hot summer for old Bozza, what with my lucrative Torygraph column and all that young totty frolicking around London in skimpy outfits. Phwoarr! Rest assured that I am on the job around the clock to ensure that the UK gets shot of Milady Theresa ASAP.
So let’s hope those media rotters stop ganging up on my good self and calling the Bozmeister a shameless opportunist. Me! Britain’s future PM!
Art classes: The fine art of drawing everyone’s anger and vexation; how to make a complete exhibition of yourself; painting a very disturbing picture for the future!
Food & recipes: Cheesing everyone off made easy; how to make the perfect ham fist out of pigs’ ears; how to have your cake and eat it.
Gardening culture: How to dig a deep hole for yourself; all things thorny; why does mud stick?
DONALD TRUMP has told reporters that he is looking forward to visiting Ireland in November and is “especially excited” about meeting “President” Seán Gallagher.
“I really like the cut of that guy’s gib,” explained the US president. “He reminds me of a slightly younger, bald me and he has faced the same challenges I have.”
The controversial US politician noted that Seán Gallagher had been targeted by “fake news, the failing RTÉ and the failing Pat Kenny”. He claimed that this was the type of treatment “dished out by elites when they feel threatened by self-made tycoons who roll up their sleeves before counting their money”.
President Trump claimed that Gallagher is the sort of man who will “make Ireland great again – just like it was during the wonderful Celtic Tiger. No wonder they call him a dragon!”
According to the American president, the next incumbent of Áras an Úachtarán needs to be someone wealthy who “understands the working man, who has lots of companies and who gets up early in the morning, just like that Leo guy. That’s who I want to meet on my tour of Doonbeg-Dubin.”
Admitting that it was not a foregone conclusion that Gallagher would win the election, President Trump said he would be equally happy to meet any of the other self-made millionaires out to buck the system. “I’m told by my people that Marvin Duffy is another financial dragon, so he would do fine. And this Casey Jones guy is also apparently money-mad, so what’s not to like?”
by Paul Corr
THE Labour Party descended even further into turmoil yesterday when Tipperary TD Alan Kelly lunched his weekly leadership challenge.
Speaking on his local radio station Tipp FM, Mr Kelly denounced Brendan Howlin as “the worst political leader this country has ever seen”.
He continued, “Brendan has served Labour selflessly for many years, expecting nothing in return apart from all the media attention that party leadership brings. Unfortunately, he has failed to turn the ship around and is completely useless, so the time has now come for him to step aside and make way to allow a younger person, namely myself, to take his place and preside over the meteoric demise of this once great movement.
“How anyone could ever have remained in Labour and accepted Howlin as its leader for so long is beyond comprehension. It’s now crystal clear that I am an absolute disgrace.”
Exclusive extracts from the most sensational political biography ever written
• For years, Leo Varadkar lived with a secret shame that even his closest friends knew nothing about. Eventually, he admitted the truth amid the full glare of Ireland’s media.
“I am a practising right-winger,” he confessed. “Back then, if a government minister fancied cutting taxes or spying on dole recipients, it was considered criminal. But nowadays, thanks to our agreement with Fianna Fáil, it’s perfectly acceptable.”
• Even Leo’s political opponents have always had the utmost respect for the country’s youngest-ever taoiseach. The current health minister typifies the high regard in which Mr Varadkar is held.
“Despite being aloof and treacherous, Leo is doing a superb job and is living proof that young people – particularly those in their early 30s – are capable of leading Ireland out of its present housing crisis,” says Simon Harris. “Although I initially gave my loyal support to Coveney, I only did this for tactical reasons, to ensure that Vlad would win in the end… the bastard!”
(That’s enough extracts – Ed.)
|DECLAN RICE||DREW HARRIS|
|Outstanding central defending role||Outstanding MI5 role|
|No-nonsense right-footer||No-nonsense left-footer|
|Shooting skills in little doubt||Shooting skills in some doubt|
|Always runs for 90 minutes||Always runs for cover|
|Serious questions about his future||Serious questions about his past|
Favourite film: The English Patient
Favourite song: Blurred Lines (Robin Thicke)
Favourite TV show: Tru Calling
Favourite band: Queen
Favourite exercise: Jumping ship
Favourite hobby: Dawdling
Favourite food: Cold shoulder
Favourite animal: Vamoose
Favourite move: Merry Dance
By our political correspondent M T Chambers
Following the success of the drone ban and the no-fly zone during the papal visit, the Government has announced plans to extend these bans to Leinster House.
“The ban on drones and the introduction of the no-fly zone were highly successful,” said a spokesperson, “to such an extent that we are planning to introduce the bans to Leinster House”.
It is far from clear exactly what the bans will mean but, if introduced, ministers and TDs would not be allowed to drone on and on about topics that are of little interest to observers.
According to one informed source, the changes will reduce the impact of “certain long-range low-flyers such as Eamon Ó Cuiv. He is far from the only drone, however.”
It is known that the huge volume of hot air generated in Leinster House increases the risk of deputies and senators overestimating their range and eventually simply drifting way off course, with potentially devastating consequences – the so-called ‘crash and bore’ effect.
No time limit has been set for the changes and, even when implemented, there is expected to be minimal impact on the number of ministers and TDs flying out the door as soon as they had signed-in for their daily allowance.
FOR the first time in its history, Coca-Cola has entered the hot drinks market after acquiring the Costa Coffee chain for v3.9bn. “This exciting rebrand will revolutionise Coke’s famous range of delicious health drinks,” said CEO Sam Sweetman last night. “Fizzy Coke cappuccinos are already taking the market by storm and have never been proven to rot people’s teeth, no matter what anyone says.”
NEW COFFEE DRINKS
• Ready-to-drink bottle coffee (Coca-Cola)
• Ice-cold Costa cans (50% less coffee)
• Diet Costa Coffee (99% less coffee)
• Zero Coffee (completely empty cup)
By Enda Time
Optometrists and other medical experts across the globe have hailed Northern Ireland’s deadlocked executive as “a miracle of the natural world.” The accolade comes after the administration passed its 550th day of suspension.
American eye expert Kat Aract noted that “to survive that long a period without blinking is without precedent anywhere in the animal world. It is unclear the exact mechanism adopted by the northern hemisphere organism, but we understand that the ability may be closely linked to focusing solely on the past.”
Australian expert Professor Stan Still was equally impressed, pointing to the Assembly’s renowned inertia. “Avoiding blinking for so long is impressive, but to do so without budging an inch is truly remarkable. This feat should be impossible to pull off, but nature is full of surprises (unlike the DUP).”
CLOSING DOWN SALE!
All items previously the property of the Great British taxpayer now on offer due to persistent EU intransigence.
1,000s of incredible knock-down prices including:
• Channel Tunnel – yours for only €50!
• UK factories (set of 10) – just €5 each!
• Buckingham Palace – an absolute giveaway at €14.99!
• London Stock Exchange – €9.99!
• The North of England – make us an offer!
YES! EVERYTHING MUST GO – STARTING WITH THERESA MAY!
By Tick Tock
THE IRISH Government has announced that it is to gift the ‘Speaking Clock’ to the people of Northern Ireland.
“There will be two versions”, according to Minister for Foreign Affairs Simon Coveney, “to be called The Orange Clock and An Clog Glas”. Depending on the date and time, callers to The Orange Clock will hear a message along the following lines…
“At the signal it will be 598 days 10 hours, 35 minutes and 56 seconds since the devolved government assembly in Stormont was collapsed by Sinn Féin.
Now is the time for the Shinners to drop all that nonsense about giving official status to the Irish language, rights for same-sex couples to marry and legacy issues. And don’t start on that bloody ‘gay cake’ nonsense.”
Callers to An Clog Glas will hear a slightly different message (surely “significantly different message”? – Ed) along the following lines …
“Dia daoibh. At the signal it will be 598 days 10 hours, 35 minutes and 56 seconds since our departed leader Martin McGuinness resigned as Deputy First Minister in protest of the handling by the DUP of the botched Renewable Heat Incentive (RHI) scheme.
Right now is the time for the DUP to admit the role played by Arlene Foster in this debacle.”
(beep), (agus beep eile)
TV PRESENTER Pat Kenny has said that he is “absolutely delighted” with the latest change to his role at Virgin Media Television, formerly TV3.
“Unlike all my earlier weekly shows, which dealt exclusively with current affairs, this exciting new programme will focus once a week on all the latest political issues and current affairs,” said the veteran broadcaster yesterday.
Kenny welcomed this new start, insisting that he was particularly looking forward to the challenge of debating all the big stories of the day, saying, “The previous studio format of me simply interviewing dull politicians will be replaced with an innovative current affairs debate where I go head to head with leading figures from the world of Irish politics and ask them the questions that people are really interested in.”
“Yes, it’s all about change,” explained director of news Bill Baloney. “The days of Kenny being grossly overpaid for his boring old current affairs programme are over. Now he will be overpaid for this new run-of-the-mill show.”
• The Good Fight, RTÉ Two, 9.30pm One woman’s battle with the system as she sets out to become the only face on RTÉ television and the only voice of RTÉ radio. Harrowing stuff featuring Miriam O’Callaghan and, er, no one else.
• Killing Leo, RTÉ Two, 9.30pm An ambitious young politician makes his way up the ladder using every means necessary, stepping on bodies along the way and displaying a chilling ruthlessness. One target remains – and he has the top job in the land. Starring Simon Harris.
• Ireland’s Rich Bastards List, RTÉ Two, Thursday, 9.30pm Joe O’Shea reveals just how inadequate your life is by counting down the top 30 plutocrats in Ireland. Various pundits attempt to explain how the bastards got so rich but since they are mere PAYE paupers, they haven’t got a clue.