CARTOONS 3818-01

September 10, 2020 Cartoons, Craic & Codology

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CARTOONS 3818-02

September 10, 2020 Cartoons, Craic & Codology

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CARTOONS 3818-03

September 10, 2020 Cartoons, Craic & Codology

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CARTOONS 3818-04

September 10, 2020 Cartoons, Craic & Codology

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CARTOONS 3818-05

September 10, 2020 Cartoons, Craic & Codology

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CARTOONS 3818-06

September 10, 2020 Cartoons, Craic & Codology

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CARTOONS 3818-07

September 10, 2020 Cartoons, Craic & Codology

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CARTOONS 3818-08

September 10, 2020 Cartoons, Craic & Codology

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CARTOONS 3818-09

September 10, 2020 Cartoons, Craic & Codology

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CARTOONS 3818-10

September 10, 2020 Cartoons, Craic & Codology

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CARTOONS 3818-11

September 10, 2020 Cartoons, Craic & Codology

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CARTOONS 3818-12

September 10, 2020 Cartoons, Craic & Codology

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FESTY O’SEMTEX

September 10, 2020 Cartoons, Craic & Codology, Festy O'Semtex

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OZONE

September 10, 2020 Cartoons, Craic & Codology, Ozone

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GREEN SHOOTS WIDE OF THE MARK

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

The FAI has praised the nascent revolution that is under way following Stephen Kenny’s first games in charge. An FAI spokesperson said of this new beginning, “Irish football has, for a long time, been perceived as straightforward and pragmatic to a fault – in short,... Read more »

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CARTOONS 3818-13

September 10, 2020 Cartoons, Craic & Codology

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ENDA KENNY’S RAILWAY SERIES OUTLINED

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Week 1: Classic Back Tracking: How I switched directions on journeys like ‘Raising women’s rights with the Saudis’, ‘Army to protect banks’, ‘John McNulty appointment’ etc etc etc… Week 2: Rich Memories: The role and roll of the gravy train in Irish politics and how... Read more »

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‘BUBBLES ARE WORKING,’ INSISTS FOLEY

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Minister for Education Norma Batty has insisted that bubbles are working, pointing to the government’s complete detachment from reality as an example. “Government TDs happily live in their own world and are totally isolated from everyday life,” she beamed. “I would go as far as... Read more »

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GOVERNMENT DEFENDS LC MARKING

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Minister for Education Norma Foley has said that she’s proud her department did not make the UK’s mistake in profiling schools to calculate Leaving Cert results. “Money doesn’t equate to intelligence,” declared Ms Foley. “I’ve always said that rich kids can be just as thick... Read more »

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NEW SCAM WARNING

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Gardaí have issued a warning over an elaborate scam that involves government ministers attempting to convince the public of the brilliant job they are doing during the pandemic. People from every age group have fallen victim to the ruse, having been convinced by legitimate-looking politicians... Read more »

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KENNY TO STICK WITH REVOLUTIONARY APPROACH

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Emmet Baloney As the countdown continues to Ireland’s crunch Euro playoff with Slovakia next month, new boss Stephen Kenny has insisted he will stick with his radical new approach, which involves players on the team passing the ball to each other. “It’s a concept... Read more »

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NEW GOVERNMENT APPROVED MENU FOR PUBS

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Hard cheese (like it or lump it) Hot potatoes Serious beef with Licensed Vinters’ Association Stephen Donnelly hamming it up Ministers trying to save their bacon Micheál Martin’s goose cooked Publicans’ heads fried (That’s enough menu – Ed.)

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DÁIL CLASS RETURNS FOR NEW TERM

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

There were tears at the gates of the Dáil as TDs were dropped off for the first day of the new political year. Some were spotted clinging to the Kildare Street railings, crying over their truncated summer holidays. However, the sight of familiar faces helped... Read more »

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WARNING OVER DANGEROUS SPREAD

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Government officials have warned about a rampant new outbreak, impacting vast swathes of the population. Virologists have spoken of hordes of journalists roaming the country, relentlessly seeking parents’ opinions on the reopening of schools. “We fear that hundreds, if not thousands, of people have already... Read more »

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GOLFER’S WIFE HAS BABY

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

EXCLUSIVE TO ALL NEWSPAPERS The wife of a well-known Irish golfer has recently given birth to a baby girl. Both mother and baby are said to be in good form; the golfer’s form, however, remains a mystery. On Other Pages Full colour pics of blonde... Read more »

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PUBLICANS WARN OF ‘CULTURE ARMAGEDDON’

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Hard-pressed publicans across Ireland say this year’s Culture Night celebrations will be “a living lie” unless they are allowed to open their premises for the September 18th event. “Everyone knows that Ireland has a long and colourful tradition of drinking to excess before throwing up... Read more »

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STORM NAMES REVEALED!

September 10, 2020 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk takes a look at some of the storms that could cause havoc here and abroad in the future: Storm Phil This European blowhard recently left Ireland under a massive cloud when its presence in the West resulted in a lot of deadwood becoming permanently... Read more »

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CARTOONS 3818-14

September 10, 2020 Cartoons, Craic & Codology

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MICHEÁL MARTIN’S ALL-PURPOSE APOLOGY LEAKED

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

A cairde, You will all be aware of the issue surrounding Deputy [Insert name of culprit here], who unwisely attended/neglected to [Name of event/foul deed] recently, when he/she should not have done. Deputy [Whichever one it is this time] rang me immediately after the matter... Read more »

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IRELAND TO FALL OFF GOVERNMENT GREEN LIST?

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

THE DEPARTMENT OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS has warned that if Ireland continues to record growing numbers of Covid cases, then they will have no choice but to remove Ireland from Ireland’s Green List. “We are currently on our own Green List, just,” said Simon Coveney at... Read more »

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RTÉ AUTUMN SCHEDULE

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

Media Circus Some of Montrose’s most famous journalistic faces are tasked with running a fully functioning circus. Join Bryan Dobson as he learns how to throw daggers, watch Miriam O’Callaghan juggle lots of new projects and discover how Ray D’Arcy became a clown. The Italian... Read more »

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DONNELLY LATEST

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

The Department of Health is to organise a new series of podcasts, live-streams and newsletters dedicated to unravelling Stephen Donnelly’s press conferences. An international panel of experts will contribute in the effort to decode the minister’s outpourings. “There was confusion when the minister said 50-person... Read more »

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NEW RESTRICTIONS FURY AS GAA MELEES FACE NUMBERS LIMIT

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

By Archie Bargy There was growing anger in the world of Gaelic games last night after the government’s latest Covid-19 measures limited all fist-fights and other acts of savage activity to a maximum of six participants. “It is blatantly obvious that neither this government nor... Read more »

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THAT GOLF DINNER MENU

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

Starter: Vegetable soup – supposed cream of the crop in Ireland, blitzed to a pulp Main: Calleary’s Mayo mutton chop – to be grilled, then dragged over hot coals Afters: Cheeseboard – will cause a stink OR Just desserts

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WHAT TO DO WITH RAY?

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

CONCERNED MONTROSE EXECS are “looking for new formats for Ray” due to a reluctance to have two weekend talk shows without an audience on RTÉ. “A man with limitless charisma, a great rapport with audiences and a guaranteed steady hand on the tiller – in... Read more »

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NOTICE FROM DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE

August 27, 2020 Craic & Codology

Revised guidelines for ministers: 1. Please prepare resignation letter/protest against sacking in advance 2. Limit media controversies to no more than six per day 3. Avoid unnecessary contacts, especially with political correspondents 4. Please carry out deep clean of office before next minister arrives a... Read more »

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