November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Serious questions have been raised about Blueshirt Inc chief executive Elon Varadkar’s future at the helm of the company after an embarrassing gaffe at the launch of one of his brand new, hi-tech candidates. After criticising his rivals for their faulty products, Varadkar was left red-faced when a public demonstration went badly awry.

For weeks, Blueshirt Inc had boasted of its modern, reinforced, bulletproof candidate line, which was supposed to withstand all manner of pressure and stress. But, much to Varadkar’s embarrassment, the candidate proved to be completely cracked.

In front of the assembled journalists and members of the public, one simple stress test was enough to shatter it into a million pieces and, with it, much of Varadkar’s credibility. It comes hot on the heels of a separate PR disaster for Blueshirt Inc, when its Bailey candidate line turned out to be similarly accident-prone.

Almost overnight, Blueshirt Inc’s share prices tumbled by 2% and Varadkar’s personal wealth looks likely to plummet as well after he admitted that his company had no formal process for vetting its products.

It’s the latest in a long line of public embarrassments for the publicity-hungry, novelty sock-wearing CEO, who has developed a reputation for eccentric public behaviour.

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Number of people happy with the deal: 2 (maybe)

Number of people who fully understand it: 0

Rise in Eoghan Murphy’s blood pressure: Through the roof

Affordability of ‘affordable homes’: One national lottery win away

Number of photos of some grinning minister cutting the ribbon after it’s all eventually sorted: 1,954,003

Profit for Richard Barrett and Bartra: Let’s just say they’ll start with the lobster frittata and a shovel of saffron on the side for the coming month, my good man.

I’M A ROYAL CELEBRITY GET ME OUT OF HERE

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Britain’s PM tells it like it isn’t

Wed: Gosh! It’s election time and yours truly has hit the ground with all guns flying.
Bojo is currently out and about on London’s backstreets meeting the ordinary decent voters in
Belgravia and Knightsbridge. Even the proles can’t get enough of me. Not surprising, really, seeing as the greatest Tory leader since Churchill is streaking ahead in the polls after completely crushing Comrade Corbyn in the big TV debate.

Thur: Woops! And just to clarify one very important issue… When we rebranded our official Tory party account to make it look like a fact-checking service to deceive the viewers, our actual intention was certainly not to mislead or deceive the voting public whatsoever. Ergo, any slight misunderstanding that may have arisen is entirely the fault of the discredited left-wing media.

Fri: Yikes! Everyone agrees that a Labour shower would bring absolute chaos. Corbyn is sure to demand the Queen’s immediate abdication. His old chum Grizzly Adams would then be put in full charge of Defence. Ghastly thought.

Sat: Cripes! Meantime, there is absolutely nothing to fear from Brexit per se. Take Bozza’s advice and stock up with lots of extra hampers from Harrods. Give the servants an afternoon off in case they’re not fit to work as they should. Anyone who is unexpectedly short of cash should ask the bank chaps for a top-up overdraft facility. See? Only a proper Conservative government will bring wall-to-wall prosperity. Pip-pip!

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Traveller 
Favourite song: Caravan, Van Morrison 
Favourite TV show: Big Fat Gypsy Weddings 
Favourite nuts: Brazilian 
Favourite food: Window dressing 
Favourite star: Red Dwarf 
Favourite exercise: Backtracking 
Favourite body part: Cloth ears 
Favourite politician: Haughty 

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Key points of the Fianna Fáil/SDLP election manifesto:

• Mary Lou McDonald is a bit much, isn’t she?
• Lorraine Clifford-Lee to be hidden in the House of Lords 
• Timmy Dooley to be sent to the Falklands (one-way)
• Absolutely no references to Claire Hanna’s antipathy to Fianna Fáil
• Micheál Martin to stop saying Londonderry 
• Cringeworthy joint canvas session for the media 
• No awkward questions about Sorcha McAnespy

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Fine Gael by-election candidate Verona Murphy has called for the “immediate closure” of every crèche in Ireland amidst fears of “a jihadi uprising” by three to five year olds.

“I am reliably informed that tens of thousands of these kids have been radicalised by Islamic extremists and are primed, even as I speak, to unleash vicious attacks on their classmates and teachers alike,” says the Wexford road haulage administrator.

In her alarming testimony, Ms Murphy claims to have witnessed children barely three years old already displaying sinister intent. “I’ve seen them sharpen pencils into lethal weapons,” she insists, “and handle plasticine like it was gelignite! I’ve even witnessed a four year old strut across to a Lego house and kick it to pieces like it was the Dáil itself! I fear time is scarce. Elect me now or else!”

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Dee Forbes
RTÉ’s head honcho will have to walk barefoot through a field of buffalo-dunged nettles while chewing on the larvae of dead cockroaches to remove the envelope bearing notice of a €2 licence fee increase from the maggot-festering intestines of a dead badger. Sickening humiliation.

Danny Healy-Rae
The Kilgarvan campaigner will consume 14 pints of dark red porter brewed with squashed foetuses from jaundiced goats drowned in slurry. He then must leave the car and walk three miles home in the merciless moonlight while sucking on a dead cat soaked in Dublin diesel.

Lisa Smith
After at last being allowed back into the jungle, the controversial mother of one must prove her true credentials by eating hundreds of packets of Tayto soaked in the urine of anti-immigrant politicians, as overcooked coddle is fed through her ears by a Comhaltas fiddler. Truly primitive.

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Beatific pre-festive greetings from Rome. Yes, Francis here in complete humility. As the leader of 1.3 billion faithful, I love to keep in contact with my Irish flock who are always in my infallible thoughts.

What a joy to hear from my very good friend Mr Quinn, Ireland’s greatest living Catholic, who has been writing to my secretary, various cardinals and even the papal nuncio himself. Seán is so saddened that some misguided cleric has cast hurtful aspersions against him. What a cruel nightmare of dreams, eh?

Surely it is time to draw a line under the sand and let this elderly gentleman live out the rest of his days quietly in the company of his family and vast wealth.

Meantime, what on earth is wrong with Madam McAleese? Why oh why is she so obsessed with the Vatican and John-Paul, my saintly predecessor? Mary objects to baptism, the homosexual ban and priestly celibacy. She even accuses the church of misogyny… How stupid is that?

Why can she not be more like Mrs Foster? Arlene and those DUP are model Christians who support the abortion ban and hate the gayness and scientists. Thankfully, Ireland’s Catholics can now look forward to a constructive post-Brexit relationship with these creationist homophobes.

But I have to rush. Christmas is such a busy time for his charismatic “Jolliness” – as fans refer to me. So many wonderful religious duties – especially meeting TV crews and journalists. Ciao!

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Lot 13: Marty Morrissey, Ray D’Arcy, Marian Finucane

This three-piece collector’s item has long lingered within the Montrose storehouse and is of genuine antique value, dating from the test-card era.

History of tender handling and comes to market due to high maintenance costs, fading veneer and attracting cobwebs. Original cotton wool included, but needs considerable polishing up.

Limited flexibility for usage, but may serve jointly or individually as clothes horse, children’s climbing frame, scarecrow, door stop etc. Asking price €50.

Warning: May cause drowsiness and even sleep. Do not listen to while driving.

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

My little Leo

From the Inaction Man series, this current Taoiseach model could prove a surprise hit. The lightweight figure is fully adaptable with shifting eyes and a lovable two-phrase vocabulary. Use the pull-string to hear Leo say: “I want to take full responsibility” and “You can really trust me”. Already been on the shelves for the past 10 years.

Go Green

Aimed at young Irish Times readers and their parents, this colourful eco-compliant playset consists of a biodegradable Greta Thunberg doll and her very best friends (the Green family), who all live together in a fully sustainable community with composting facilities on-site. Comes with optional SUV made entirely of recyclable bees (€49,999).

Haven’t A Cluedo

No Christmas would be complete without this political whodunnit board game. Clueless suspects include Mr Harris hiding under the hospital trolley and Lord Ross taking selfies in his electric car. Hours of fun guaranteed, with Colonel Vlad cowering in the dark to avoid any association with the crimes of Miss Scarlet (disguised as Verona Murphy).

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Dee Sgustin

In another sensational interview this week, Prince Andrew has defended his spending time with the royal family for years, despite public concern about their behaviour.
The prince says he understands alarm among British tax payers over the number of children the family has been having, but says his loyalty “brought considerable benefits” as he strived to find something to do.

“They do an amazing bangers & mash with spotted dick and a pot of tea with two slices for a tenner, only three stops away on the tube,” he explained. “That’s also where I was the night Diana died by the way, in case you think I was driving a white Fiat Uno in Paris at the time.”

However, the public is sceptical of the prince’s story. “No way would get that kind of nosh for just a tenner,” said one cynic. “The bloke was definitely indulging in unsavoury behaviour – such as jetting around the world, lounging on tropical islands and stuffing his face with oysters below deck – at everyone else’s expense! What a pillock!”

October 31, 2019 Craic & Codology

Boris: Nil Desperandum! Britain’s head honcho tells it like it isn’t

TRIPLE CRIPES! What a busy week with all this unholy hullabaloo about seeing off the Eurocrats once and for all. Well, entirely thanks to the gargantuan efforts of yours truly, the whole Brexit hoo-ha is almost done and dusted. Bozza to the rescue again by whizzing off not one but three letters to Brussels, all cleverly written in invisible ink! Old Tusk and his wine-sodden chums certainly didn’t see that coming.

Ipso facto, it’s now just a case of holding the famous rampant nerve until election time when we can finally trounce Comrade Corbyn and get the Westminster wollies to rubber-stamp my bold initiative to exit the God-awful EU post-haste. Meantime, without any more ado or die, the plan is to courageously trundle on as if nothing has happened – which, unfortunately, it hasn’t.

Truth be told, a lot of Bojo’s problems lie solely with our Jurassic pals in the DUP. Apart from conniptions over some harmless trade paperwork, Dodds and co have gone even more apoplectic over the whole gayness thing being legalised behind their backs. Absolute piffle!

Mind you, it’s never easy dealing with a shower of deceitful bullies who want everything their own way. Speaking of which, at least it won’t be long now before the UK is doing mega-deals with the Trumpster and our new American buddies – and we can all look forward to tucking into hormone-enriched turkey by Christmas. Yummers!

October 31, 2019 Craic & Codology

Nightmare on Every Street
A man gets a job as a taxi driver in Dublin and soon enters a nightmare world filled with obnoxious students, spontaneous projectiles of vomit, bankers, consultants and racists; where overworked gardaí take 25 minutes to arrive. Watch for the scene where a furious Roy Keane gets splashed.

Night of the Living Dead
Relive Ireland’s 2019 Rugby World Cup campaign as a helpless group of 15 individuals try to resurrect their dream. Instead, they are ruthlessly buried without trace by a scary group dressed like priests who drive a stake through the Irish hearts. (PG advised as some scenes involving ‘Blazers’ are particularly harrowing.)

Misery
A man is lured to a remote mountain cabin where he is locked into a room and forced to boil water to render it fit for drinking. Too long.

Let The Right One In
Strange goings on in Leinster House as the door to the chamber is opened and it becomes clear, in horrifying detail, who is inside and who is out. Truly unbelievable.

October 31, 2019 Craic & Codology

Why Are These Losers Still Breathing?

by Our Sports Editor – Phil Backpage

Ireland’s World Cup is well and truly over – back in the gutter after yet another disgraceful quarter-final mugging. But the big question is why oh why is Joe Schmidt’s overpaid pack of pampered failures still blatantly going about their daily lives with no shame at all.

Having embarrassed their country again, these total has-beens then have the nerve to show their utter contempt for the fans by flying back home as though they were national heroes. Who do they think they are? Katie Taylor? No wonder sports minister Shane Ross kept his head down.

These players have brought rugby to its knees and raised its ugly head. If the great Peter Stringer was watching their dismal performance, he would be spinning in his grave.

Schmidt should be frog-marched to Dublin Airport as soon as possible and deported to New Zealand with a hood over his head. (That’s almost enough outrage – Ed.)

October 31, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Environmental Staff – Phil Bucket

Irish Water issued a renewed warning last night that the company is facing “a major shortage of excuses” over the coming months.

A spokesperson for the waterless utility said: “We are currently experiencing an exceptional drought of credible reasons to explain why we have simply not been able to do the job we are paid to do.”

In the meantime, Irish Water has urged consumers to be prepared for further restrictions next week. “We might well be forced to take drastic measures,” said the spokesperson, “by putting a nationwide ban on excuses for why we’ve completely failed to invest in modernising the system and are making a hames of everything.”

October 31, 2019 Craic & Codology

LEBANON entered a worrying phase yesterday after a well-known Irish ‘celebrity poet’ was forced to evacuate from the capital Beirut as angry crowds gathered in the city.

According to reliable accounts, Michael Twee, sometimes known as ‘The President’, had mentioned Galway 2020 and then volunteered to read some of his poetry. Panic set in.

The atmosphere clearly became tense and, before he had time even to open the book, Mr Twee was ushered down the fire escape, out a side door and into a car. He was driven at high speed to the airport, bundled on to a private plane and was in the skies within minutes.

According to one observer, “His little feet never even touched the ground throughout! Everybody was immensely relieved to see him on his way.”

October 31, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Dee Posers

THE IRFU today confirmed that the country’s international players will be “fit and raring to go” in time for the winter clubbing season.

Many of the country’s well-known representatives like to frequent Ireland’s trendiest hot spots and are much admired by ordinary revellers and glossy supplements as they pose with young women just inside the foyer.

IRFU official Kuban Ceegar dismissed fears that the awkward timing of the Japan World Cup might have taken its toll on the players and restricted their social lives. “Not a bit of it,” he laughed. “To be honest, they look like they weren’t even there!

“The lads can’t wait to get back doing what they are really good at, as well as preparing to attempt to win the Six Nations… or maybe just give Italy a proper thrashing.”

October 31, 2019 Craic & Codology

Leo Varadkar
Lightweight superhero and Cheshire cat masquerade. Watch your friends gasp in horror at the ghastly permo-fixed smirk.

Arlene Foster
Vampire bat mask and hard-faced scowl will transport you right back to the late 17th century. NOOOO!

Jacob Rees-Mogg
Victorian skull encased in top hat. See your family scream as Britain’s scariest Old Etonian starts spouting Latin at them.

John Boyne
Identifying non-binary 100% gender-neutral clown mask. (Includes free copy of the author’s novel, My Brother is My Sister).

Dr Ciara Kelly
Ultra-spooky traditional blood-soaked witch zombie with ultra-populist appeal for Newstalk listeners, taxi-drivers etc.

October 31, 2019 Craic & Codology

SINN FÉIN has called on Micheál Martin to end his party’s deeply controversial policy of abstentionism.

The Fianna Fáil leader has come in for sustained criticism following revelations that a number of FF TDs had failed to show up for key votes and arranged for surrogates to vote in their place.

SF president Mary Lou McDonald claimed Martin was ideologically rigid and the behaviour of FF TDs was eroding confidence in the Dáil.

Pointing to the suspension of Timmy Dooley and Niall Collins, Ms McDonald noted that Lisa Chambers has remained in situ, “Clearly she must know what buttons to press.”

BREXIT TRENCHES

October 31, 2019 Craic & Codology

THERE WERE eyebrows raised in alarm at Dublin airport after Minister for Sport and Photo Opportunities Shane Ross failed to pop up when the Irish rugby team returned home after their World Cup 2019 exploits. (Surely debacle? – Ed.)

As the players slipped furtively into the arrivals hall, keen-eyed observers were unable to locate the Dublin South politician. “I was simply shocked,” said one eye-witness. “I watched him on TV when Katie Taylor returned and I thought he loved all sport. Now I’m confused.”

October 31, 2019 Craic & Codology

• Joe Brolly to be relegated entirely from the RTÉ panel
• Remaining panellists to be allowed aggressively self-promote
• Leinster football championship to be dumped in the Sin Bin
• If referee is bundled into their car boot post-match, the losing team must pay for locksmith
• No more criticism of the Sky deal
• GAA to mark cards of critics

October 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

BORIS: Let’s do it! Britain’s PM tells it like it isn’t – yikes!

What an absolutely spot-on victory for yours truly in getting the Euro shower to think again before pointing the fickle finger of blame at poor old Bozza for everything. Just when Brexit disaster loomed, cue a hastily arranged get-together with our fair-weather friend Murphy (surely Varadkar? – Ed) at some country-house wedding venue in the middle of nowhere. And hey presto – a sudden burst of vague optimism saves the day.

Does no harm to keep the oiks thinking that we could ever agree for long on anything. Old Leo’s a complete lightweight diva, of course – couldn’t drag him away from the cameras. A complete charlatan – we hit it off straightway.

Meantime, I can tell the doom-mongers who predict the worst after Brexit that there is no chance of civil unrest – it’s actually going to be very uncivil indeed. Anyway, we need to get our skates on before the good old UK becomes some kind of vassal state under the Euro Reich. Cripes! Just imagine the nightmare scenario of a future under uber-dictator Frau Merkel and her henchmen constantly hogging the sun loungers. That’s why it’s vital we exit Europe and get this thing done -– put Bojo back in No 10 for the next five years.

HALLOWEEN BREXIT BONFIRE

October 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

RUGBY WORLD CUP JAPAN 2019

by Our Man in Tokyo Harry Kane

The world of violent tropical storms was rocked to its foundations when an outbreak of international rugby threatened to ruin the arrival of Typhoon Hagibis in Japan.

Local residents, who were forced to sit through 80 minutes of Ireland’s match with Samoa in Fukuoka, expressed their anger at what had happened. “As usual, we were expecting flooded streets, uprooted trees and twisted rooftops, and being blown head-first into collapsing buildings by record-breaking winds,” said one irate supporter. “The last thing we needed was a sudden outbreak of sport spoiling everything.”

Meanwhile, the Rugby World Cup has entered its sixth week, with no sign of it finishing any time soon. Even the most dedicated fans are now wondering if the competition will ever end.

Said one former rugby enthusiast, Mike Madeupname: “I can’t recall much about the early rounds of the current tournament when I was a young man, but some of my vague memories of the group stage matches include Tonga’s legendary Hugjabugga Gauja collapsing the scrum against France. Surely it will all end?”

October 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

This is Seán. Do not be fooled. Behind the smiling features and proud nose lies a tale of heart-breaking sorrow and impoverishment.

Seán was once a titled personage and one of the richest men in Ireland. His greatest love (besides himself) was climbing. He reached the higher rungs on the social ladder and the upper regions of the rich lists, but then tragedy struck and Seán suffered a momentous fall. The tumble landed him on his rear end on very shaky ground. Battered and bruised, he sought to make his own way again across the Atlantic, but his persecutors followed him relentlessly. Today, Seán is desperately trying to survive on just $5 a week and he needs your help to get back on his feet and reclaim his title of Baron of Ballsbridge. You can donate online at www.dunnerstories.comedy

October 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

The entire world held its breath last night as the wives of two well-known footballers had a row on social media.

“We haven’t seen anything like this,” said one tabloid editor, “since yesterday.”

On other pages:

• WAGS – assorted untalented women getting an awful lot of attention
• WAGES – footballers given ridiculous amounts of money
• 100s of full-colour pics of your favourite footballers’ wives
• Comment: Why Coleen and Rebekah are completely misunderstood
• Comment: Why Coleen and Rebekah are completely bitchy
• Why we can’t fill our pages with real news

October 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Social Media Staff Phillipa Page

WAG investigator Coleen Rooney turns her attention to some of Ireland’s historical stories.

Shergar’s Disappearance
Countless theories have been put forward as to what happened to this champion racehorse back in 1983, with persistent rumours that Col Gadaffi was involved. However, after blocking everyone from viewing her Instagram stories except for one prominent former senior Sinn Féin figure, Coleen can now reveal the kidnap was carried out by an IRA gang led by Rebekah Vardy, who masterminded the whole thing.

Dublin City Council Protection Money Mystery
A huge Twitter storm continues about whether council officials sanctioned payments to Dublin gangsters to stop attacks on building workers. Coleen has now used all of her forensic investigative skills (Instagram) to prove that there is absolutely no truth in the reports since ordinary decent criminals would never risk their hard-won reputations by having anything to do with dodgy councillors.

Bank Bail-out
Who was really to blame for the financial crisis of 2008 and the disastrous bail-out that followed? Coleen has been delving into the records overnight and has just concluded that leading bankers and the Irish government were jointly responsible for this monumental cock-up. She also concludes that unsecured bondholders were crazed with greed and desperate for celebrity magazine publicity. (That’s enough Coleen – Ed.)

October 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

Bo Ring
Made her name in legendary home comedy productions like Drying Paint and Growing Grass and is considered a safe pair of jaws by station management. Even described by some as “Tubs in a skirt”.

Kay Othic
One of RTÉ’s rising young stars with a “zany zest for living on the edge”, says one veteran producer. “Don’t be surprised if Kay arrives on your screen wearing a blue dress and sporting red hair with red highlights! Its risqué, but it might just work.”

Tynee Tot
Though only seven years old, advocates say she would bring a “seamless continuity” to the Saturday night slot, smoothly transitioning from Ray D’Arcy, while attracting a younger audience. On the minus side, bedtime is 10.30pm.

Milly Tant
Impressed RTÉ executives this year with her megaphone skills with Publicity Rebellion. Would not tolerate any further build-up of rubbish on Saturday nights.

October 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

City Council, City Council,
where have you been?
To the bank, to the bank, for the
dispensing machine
City Council, City Council, why were your bags so filled?
So the frazzled lads on the site could continue to build.

…………………

Simple Simon met a pie man
back from A&E
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
‘How was the HSE?’
The pie man said to Simple Simon,
‘I heard consultants talk …
And every word I overheard agreed that you should walk!’