Category: Craic & Codology

OMNICRONY VARIANT ‘HERE FOR SOME TIME’

Katherine Zappone

Experts have warned that the worrying new ‘Omnicrony’ strain may have been circulating in Ireland for some time already. Political scientists are increasingly of the opinion that recent high-profile instances of government ministers coughing up lucrative gigs or confidential information for their close contacts are now directly attributable to Omnicronyism. “What with Zappergate and Leo’s... Read more »

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GOLDHAWK’S TOP TOYS FROM THE LATE LATE TOY SHOW

Ryan Metro

Ryan’s Model Railway Have hours of fun with this toy metro train, as it’s about as close as you’ll get to one in Ireland for about two decades! Toy Tractor Perfect for staging your very own climate protest! See if you can get the government to continue subsidising your impressive carbon foorprint! Etch-a-Sketch Pretend you’re... Read more »

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LOTTO CONTROVERSY DEEPENS

Leo Lotto

National Lottery officials have called for an urgent investigation into what they describe as a “suspicious pattern of behaviour” in recent months. The organisation said it was deeply concerned at rumours that several politicians were claiming to have ‘hit the jackpot’ since they were elected to the Dáil. This is believed to be a reference... Read more »

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PANTOMIME PREVIEWS

red curtains vector

Three Little Pigs Housing minister Darragh O’Brien grows insanely jealous after the piggies manage to build more houses in an afternoon than he has in almost two years. Expect plenty of huffing and puffing about how he’s going to save his bacon. The Little Merman Convinced that he is a big fish, Leo Varadkar hopes... Read more »

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DINOSAUR STUDIES: NO 56: THE SLÁINTECARESUS

DINOSAUR

Records show that the first report of a rare Sláintecaresus sighting was recorded in Ireland in 2017 BC (Before Covid), during the Harrisonic period. Legend has it that the meat of ‘the Sláinte thing’, as it was colloquially known, held great health benefits if anybody ever swallowed it. Unfortunately, sightings of the cumbersome creature were... Read more »

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GOVERNMENT SEEKS TO CLARIFY MIXED MESSAGING ON RESTRICTIONS

Micheal Martin

Conflicting reports from several ministers as to whether further restrictions would be reimposed has led to yet more public consternation. “We are doing our utmost to remove any confusion by changing and updating our advice as frequently as possible,” said one coalition spokesperson. When pressed on what, if any, additional restrictions were being considered, they... Read more »

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EXCLUSIVE TO ALL SPORTS PAGES

Rugby ball

The recent efforts of Farrell’s fearless 15 against New Zealand, plus an assortment of other nations, were truly herculean. With the World Cup now just two short years away, it behoves us all to start ratcheting up the pressure and expectations on this young team to never-before-seen levels. What’s more, it is incumbent on Dublin... Read more »

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SUPPORT GROWS FOR MISSING CHINESE TENNIS STAR

Rory McEIlroy

Rory McIlory As someone who frequently goes missing on the big stage when under the spotlight, I feel Peng Shuai’s pain. The number of times I’ve disappeared without a trace is truly remarkable. I just hope this distressing situation gets resolved soon. Mick Wallace The focus being given to this story by imperial western media... Read more »

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DUBLIN HOTEL OWNERS ‘OPEN TO TAKING BODY PARTS’

Garth Brooks

Dublin hotel owners have promised Garth Brooks fans that they are prepared to exercise “some flexibility” when it comes to booking accommodation for next year’s concerts. “We fully appreciate that many visitors will not all have a strong cash flow to meet the necessary higher costs that we have no choice but to apply”, says... Read more »

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DANIEL O’DONNELL 60TH BIRTHDAY TRIBUTES

Daniel O'Donnell

Garth Brooks From one country superstar to another, it’s truly an honour to pay tribute to this son of Donegal. Daniel and I have both been described as music royalty, although, in fairness, only one of us has accepted an MBE. Jeffrey Donaldson Over the years people have remarked that I bear a striking resemblance... Read more »

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OMICRON REPORTS ‘MAY BE RESISTANT TO METAPHORS’

Virus

By Pa Nicattack There were growing fears last night that reports on the new Omicron Covid-19 variant may prove super-resistant to all forms of hyperbolic description currently available to editors and publishers. “We’ve thrown the thesaurus at it this morning and we still haven’t managed to say how bad it is!” explained one struggling editor,... Read more »

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THE REAL CHARLIE HAUGHEY REVEALED!

Charlie Haughey

The nation may have to review its evaluation of the late taoiseach as a new biography brings fresh insight on Charlie Haughey’s life through such prisms as: Religion: Charlie emerges as a deeply devout personality who would often reference Jesus Christ; such as when presented with a bill at Dublin’s Le Coq Hardi restaurant, or... Read more »

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IRISH REACTIONS TO STREET RIOTS ACROSS EUROPE

riots Europe

I can’t help but feel that the torching of police cars is a cry for more bicycle lanes across Europe’s streets. We must take heed and provide more cycle lanes if we’re to avoid our peaceful, low-energy marches turning into carnage. Minister for Greenery, Eamon Ryan This is the worst generation of rioters I’ve seen!... Read more »

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THOSE AN POST IRISH BOOK AWARDS WINNERS

An Post logo

Best work of fiction: Government’s Climate Action Plan Best cook book: Egg On My Face by Bertie Ahern Best sports book: Keeping A Low Profile by Roy Keane Best long story: Zapponegate by Simon Coveney Best horror story: The Irish Health Service by Stephen Donnelly Best mystery book: The Leak by Leo Varadkar Best fantasy... Read more »

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GET BACK (2021 VERSION)

Boris Johnson

BoJo was a toff who thought he was a leader But he knew it couldn’t last BoJo swapped his home in central London For a Peppa Pig World pass You’re gas, you’re gas You’re gas but you’re the PM You lie, you lie You lie and then you lie again Get lost, BoJo…

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IRISH CANDIDATES TO BECOME PERMANENT MAN UTD MANAGER

Manchester United FC crest

Bernard Durkan With his determination to maximise every opportunity the Kildare North TD would be the perfect choice to ensure that the right ball is played every time. Katherine Zappone The former TD would use her experience at playing the game to highlight to players the right channels to nip in on the blind side... Read more »

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

StD-3923

LOTTERY FIANNA FÁIL Spins balls Spins balls-ups Likes to build millionaires Likes millionaire builders Numbers fall down Number nearly up No winner Lots of losers Temporary rollovers Temporary taoiseach

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SECRET EXCERPTS FROM THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT’S ‘OFFICIAL HISTORY’ OF THE TROUBLES

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August 9, 1971 A wonderful day for Northern Ireland as new laws allow the police and army to round up a variety of yahoos and hooligans. The streets are instantly safer and the province enjoys their cup of tea even more that last night. January 30, 1972 A pleasant day with people tucking into their... Read more »

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TAXING TIMES FOR GOOGLE

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Google Ireland has issued a grovelling apology following a recent tax settlement with the Revenue Commissioners. The tech giant insisted it was “deeply sorry” for a financial mix-up which resulted in it having to hand over a massive cheque to the taxman . It’s believed the company top brass thought the much publicised “right to... Read more »

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JOE BIDEN’S COP26 ADDRESS IN FULL

Joe Biden

Hello Glasgow, or – as my good ancestors back in Éireann say – ‘Top o’ the morning to ya’. After two years of dealing with each other through Zoom, I’m glad that we were able to fly thousands of people here from around the world to discuss, in person, how we all need to change... Read more »

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RYANAIR APP UPDATE’S TURBULENT LAUNCH

Ryanair logo

Ryanair boss Michael O’Leary has lavished praise on the airline’s new app, which he said will provide passengers with easier access to their usual standards of customer care. “The app will be completely unresponsive to customer complaints,” said the CEO. “It will allow users to endure the same agonising experience of trying to claim a... Read more »

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MARY LOU INCREASES OFFERS TO UNIONISTS

Mary Lou McDonald

Sinn Féin leader Mary Lou McDonald has enhanced her proposal to Northern Ireland unionists that July 12 could be a ‘St Orange Day’ bank holiday in the event of them committing to a united Ireland. Upping the ante, the potentially future taoiseach has suggested some other incentives to Northern unionists to help grease the wheel:... Read more »

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GOVERNMENT CONCERNED BY WORRYING NUMBERS

article-default

Taoiseach Micheál Martin has admitted he is “deeply concerned” at the alarming numbers which have emerged in recent weeks. Hopes that the situation had stabilised have proven to be yet another false dawn, and many backbenchers are now publicly expressing their anxiety over the issue. A source close to NPHET believes the root cause of... Read more »

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CLARIFICATION

Denis O'Brien

This publication, in common with every other publication in recent times, may on occasion have sought to present communication mogul Denis O’Brien as the ultimate personification of ruthless capitalism, petty grudge-bearing and egotistical self-obsession In retrospect headlines like “The Real Dinny – Writs And All’; ‘Dinny Worse Than Trump?’; and ‘Denis O’Brien Vs Journalism”, may... Read more »

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MORE NIGHTCLUB OUTRAGE

Night Clubs Reopen

Furious TDs have called for further clarity around the reopening of nightclubs, with many deputies saying it is causing unacceptable disruption to their social lives. As the primary engine of Ireland’s night-time economy, TDs maintain they deserve greater respect, as they look to carry out their patriotic duty and plough money into the hospitality sector.... Read more »

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LIKELY IRISH CONTENDERS FOR SOLSKJAER’S JOB

Ole Gunnar Solskjaer

Micheál Martin The Cork-born ‘special one’ may be looking for ‘a new challenge’ in the near future and his experience in heading up a bunch of chronic under-achievers in recent years would make him a seamless successor to the Norwegian. Daniel Kinahan The Dublin-born exile might just be the man to improve the shots-on-target ratio... Read more »

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KEY POINTS OF THE CLIMATE ACTION PLAN:

green trees

Aviation: Greens’ popularity to come crashing back down to earth Transport: Public hope Stephen Donnelly will be moved out of cabinet Agriculture: Barry Cowen still bitter about being put out to pasture Education: Coalition parties to be taught a lesson at next election Housing: Fine Gael still riddled with cracks and leaks Emissions: Government keep... Read more »

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POLITICIANS GIVE THEIR TWO CENTS ON NEW TIPPING LEIGSLATION

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Taoiseach Micheál Martin has welcomed the news that hospitality workers will be allowed to retain customer tips under new legislation. “Let’s be honest, seeing as we stubbornly resist introducing a living wage, small coins are the only change the low paid are going to notice under my government,” said the taoiseach. It’s believed Mr Martin... Read more »

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GOLDHAWK GETS SOME REACTIONS TO THE COP26 CONFERENCE:

Ole Solskjaer

Ole Gunnar Solskjær We are witnessing the horrific consequences of a worsening climate here, especially here at Old Trafford. Our defence melts away under the slightest bit of pressure and I’m really starting to feel the heat now. Leo Varadkar I can attest that climate change is a real and present danger. The atmosphere among... Read more »

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DONALD TRUMP’S ‘TRUTH SOCIAL’ TERMS OF SERVICE:

Donald Trump

Members won’t be charged – unless it’s in relation to January 6 riots No responsibility taken for spread of viruses Beautiful firewall, to be paid for by Mexico Streaming not available in Russian hotels Countless ways to boost your own profile Offensive content will be compulsory

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WORLD LEADERS ANNOUNCE NEXT COP EVENTS

COP26

COP27: Time To Take Action Location: Miami TBC (Hurricane Dependent) COP28: Ok, Now It’s Really Time To Take Action Location: Amsterdam TBC (Pending Sea Level Rises) COP29: It’s Not Too Late – Why We Haven’t Missed The Time To Take Action Location: Beijing (N.B. Smog Masks MANDATORY) COP30: How Could We Have Seen These Disasters... Read more »

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THOSE NEW GARDA RESERVE POWERS REVEALED

Garda

Eat a cone while driving the squad Nip into the bookies for 10 minutes extra per shift Equal opportunity for All-Ireland final tickets Feet up on the table at reception Two extra ketchup sachets for burger Ability to ignore 999 calls

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WHAT NIETZSCHE GOT RIGHT ABOUT PRETENTIOUS COLUMNISTS

typewriter

Joe Got-The-Humphreys Recently, while watching Spongebob Squarepants – a so-called cartoon which putatively entertains the young – I was struck by the essential shallowness of contemporary consumer culture. Central to this malaise is the vacuous consumption of dreary columnists who churn out the same guff week after week. The problem is at its most chronic... Read more »

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FRANCE/UK FISHING ROW GLOSSARY:

Fish

Red herrings: Protocol, European Court of Justice etc Sole: What Boris Johnson would sell to stay in power Plaice: DUP have been put in theirs Flounder: Lord Frost’s negotiating strategy Sharks: Tory back-benchers Cold Fish: JeffreyDonaldson Minnows: Micheál Martin, Simon Coveney etc Cod: What British government keep trying to do to EU

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PUBLIC REACTS TO FACEBOOK REBRANDING AS META:

Facebook

Jeffrey Donaldson I think it is a cowardly move. Even, if you’re the face of a once popular brand, that is increasingly viewed as being past its best and rapidly losing popularity, you should just dig your heels in and fight – or until you’re replaced by an internal coup. Stephen Kenny I think Mark... Read more »

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NIGHTCLUB OWNERS INSIST ON ‘VITAL ROLE’ PLAYED IN IRISH SOCIETY

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By Kath Astrophe Ireland’s nightclub owners have warned that the state faces a “cataclysmic labour shortage” in the decades to come unless the strict guidelines pertaining to re-opening their venues are relaxed. “If the punters can’t get up close and dirty with each other they won’t drink as much”, warned one entrepreneurial investor last night.... Read more »

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