RTÉ WOMAN IN TRAUMATIC NEWS SHOCK!
Martina Fitzgerald “PAUL WHO?”
FOLLOWING THE surprise replacement (surely ‘shafting’ – Ed) of Martina Fitzgerald as political correspondent at Montrose last week, there has been uproar both inside and outside RTÉ. The appointment of the clearly male Paul Cunningham to the position has raised the spectre of sexism at the state broadcaster, given that it turns out Ms Fitzgerald is apparently the best journalist in the world.
Criticism of the move has come from the highest levels within RTÉ, with female chair Moya Doherty immediately contacting female director general Dee Forbes to enquire about the treatment of a high-profile woman at the station. According to sources close to the situation, Ms Forbes let Ms Doherty know that she would make sure the male bastion that is Montrose would be the subject of a root-and-branch review.
Highlighting the lack of women on RTÉ news programmes, Ms Forbes issued a statement to the station’s flagship news programme, RTÉ Six One, which was duly read out in harmony by the two anchors, Caitríona Perry and Keelin Shanley, who both wore the red and white garb familiar to viewers of The Handmaid’s Tale.
Joining the criticism about the absence of high-profile women in RTÉ, Miriam O’Callaghan noted, when fronting RTÉ’s flagship politics and current affairs TV programme, Prime Time, that she was disappointed at the “invisibility” of women at RTÉ.
And the tsunami of criticism did not stop there. On RTÉ’s flagship politics and current affairs radio programme, Morning Ireland, the show’s host, Rachel English, said she was dumbstruck by what had happened to Ms Fitzgerald, wondering “if any woman will ever get a chance to make a name for herself at RTÉ”. This comment was later reported on RTÉ’s flagship evening TV programme, the Nine O’Clock News, by the clearly shaken anchor, Sharon Ní Bheoláin.
When asked if RTÉ would continue to indulge in ‘open competitions’ in which a woman could lose out, a spokeswoman for the station said it was “too early to say exactly how this awful mess will be fixed”.
SIMON’S SIMPLE PLAN
By Corry Dore
In his latest move to reassure the Irish public, health minister Simon Harris has promised to “reduce crowding and offer faster diagnoses” of HSE scandals in the New Year.
The move follows complaints that scandals are being crammed alongside each other into hard-pressed news outlets. It was also claimed that some scandals have been lying dormant in the corridors of power for years.
Speaking at the opening of a new malpractice case yesterday, Simple Simon vowed to divert more resources to allow the delivery of “more press releases” in the short term, while insisting that all new scandals that presented would be “put to bed” as soon as a suitable photo opportunity presented itself.
ODE TO LILLIE’S
Farewell thee well
Not really a
I never went there
Unlike Jagger and Bono
Strutting their stuff
So I read in the Sindo
In Barry Ego’s
And I didn’t go to
Cos reading that sh*te
Was more than enough …
M T Glass
DUBLIN ACCOMMODATION CRISIS
Junior ministers protest over expenses
THE CRISIS surrounding Dublin’s hotel accommodation costs took a turn for the worst last night, with fears now rampant that some Fine Gael junior ministers may be reduced to availing of B&B accommodation. The grim news comes after rural ministers raised concerns that hotel costs were eating into their wages and could compromise their Cheltenham budgets.
The new twist was revealed after a taxi driver was reportedly asked by one of the affected politicians if B&Bs are “as bad as they say”. The politician was said to be “anxiously rubbing his neck”, which appeared to be “very hard”, throughout the exchange.
FG TDs say that some junior ministers could inevitably end up scouring sleazy online booking websites seeking deals on hotels outside Dublin 2 and 4.
“We urgently need to sort out this accommodation crisis before it becomes a national tragedy,” said a party spokesman.
BREXIT CHRISTMAS MENU
Peas (best before Good Friday 1998)
Chuck a l’orange
Cooked Goose with Belly-up of Pork
Off the Trolley
Irish Border Fudge
Fruits of Office (with added sweeteners)
THAT HSE €30M WINTER PLAN
THE Minister for Health has promised to solve hospital overcrowding this winter by introducing a “new and innovative approach”.
Winter Plan (in full)
n Sick people to remain at home during the cold winter months
n Wrap up warm and watch Casualty and Doctors on TV
n Fast-track treatment for people who bring their own bed
n Increased focus on acute facilities/cute pictures of Minister Harris
(That’s quite enough Winter Plan – Ed.)
THIS YEAR’S MUST-HAVE CHRISTMAS ALBUM!
* Especially For Me
* I Believe in Publicity
* Spinning Around (as usual)
*Can’t Get EU Out of My Head
* I Should Be So Lucky (for now)
Singalong with Leo this Yuletide (…or else!)
BEST BOOKS FOR XMAS 2018
WEST END CHRISTMAS FAVOURITES
Revival of the classic kitsch musical about a rebellious aristocratic Tory MP who falls passionately in love with himself. Trouble starts when he tries to act cool in front of his unruly pal Boris. Slick toe-tapping numbers include ‘Euro The One No One Wants’ and ‘Hopelessly Out Of Touch’.
Enchanting seasonal story of a faceless cartoon figure suddenly brought to life. For a few magical hours, Jeremy Corbyn enjoys flying round the airwaves, but is never quite able to decide what to do about Brexit. Heartbreaking final scene when Jeremy’s half-hearted political policies all melt away to nothing overnight. Features the evergreen theme song ‘Walking on Thin Air’.
Simple story of a naive girl whose dreams of becoming a popular dancing queen turn sour. Sadly, she spends years trying to discover which of the three possible outcomes to her post-Brexit strategy is the right one. But everything goes wrong as none of them can be trusted. Everyone is left in tears as Theresa sings ‘S.O.S.’ and ‘Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! A Job After Midnight’. (That’s enough theatre – Ed.)
CHRISTMAS GIFTS 2018
The Roy Keane team motivator kit
From conkers to Champions League, whatever game you’re playing at, fine tune your side’s determination with this unique motivation package from Ireland’s utmost sidekick!
Each kit contains:
- Three ferocious beards – seething stubble, growling growth or bristling bush
- 75 reasons why your charges are a useless bunch of w**kers!
- 25 threatening stare techniques, from ‘up your b****x’ to ‘Alf-Inge Haaland’
- 12 short fuses
- One P45
Price: Only €700,000 a year. (Cork accent not included.)
Arlene Foster Boots
Eliminate the danger of being blown off your feet by winter storms with this ultra-adhesive footwear!
Crafted by heterosexual cobblers using traditional Middle Ages techniques, each boot is made from 100% reinforced lead infused with glue manufactured from the gut of extra-stubborn Scottish mules.
No matter which way the wind blows or how strong the Gae … er, gales, you will remain firmly rooted to the same spot, going nowhere until long after the storm subsides.
Only €19.20 a pair
Available in orange parade, ash-grey or blood red. (Not suitable for moving forward.)
Peter Casey blow dryer
This functionary souvenir of the 2018 presidential election is a ‘must-have’ gift for the political animal in your life!
This unique figurine not only complements any sideboard, but doubles as an easy-to-handle hair dryer.
Select the preferred setting (choice of one) and enjoy endless streams of hot air. Press it again and it broadcasts a message while emitting even more hot air!
Made from 100% recycled Farageum, extracted from the rich seams of Trumpylvania.
Cheap at only 23.5%
Caution: May damage the hairs at the back of the neck
Not suitable for children or adults
“My advice is don’t buy this” – Leo Varadkar
IRISH BANK CULTURE BOARD FAQs
Q: What is the purpose behind this initiative?
A: To correct the grave misconception that all bankers are greasy-palmed, money-grabbing vultures. In fact, some are not.
Q: How do we know this isn’t a well-planned PR stunt to win back respect after a litany of scandals?
A: Going forward, the fact of the matter is that the skill sets acquired by banking practitioners with a view to promoting a fit-for-purpose, best-in-class, state-of-the-art banking sector going forward (You said that – Ed) …
Q: Does all this mean you will open a second window for cash transactions?
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3624
|Sells out concerts
||Sells out the poor
|Famous for gold pants
||Famous for being pants
|Dated INXS singer
||Dated and excessive
|Appeared in Neighbours
||Appears out of his depth
|Shifted millions of records
||Shifted Frances Fitzgerald to backbenches
|Can’t get you out of my head
||Can’t get him out of Government Buildings
NO WORRIES AS TWO MEN DISAPPEAR
By Neil Alldraw
Gardaí say they are “not at all concerned” after two men, who had been skating on thin ice for some time, disappeared from view yesterday.
Witnesses say the men, known as Martin and Roy, had been “frowning at people and boasting about destroying Italy” for months beforehand.
Said one observer, “Everyone was saying it was about time they got their skates on and they wouldn’t listen, and then suddenly they were gone. Hopefully they won’t resurface around here again!”
It is understood the duo had no terrorist connections.
“They posed no threat to any country for over a year, including Northern Ireland,” assured a Garda spokesman. “They seemed incapable of organising any kind of an attack at all at all, to tell the truth!”
DOUBTS OVER EURO DEAL
Fears are growing about the feasibility of the post-European withdrawal agreement, which was announced this week.
Under the terms of the Withdrawal Treaty Agreement Framework (WTAF), a transitionary period of two years will be implemented before a hard exit sometime in late 2020.
While the scheme has been welcomed for bringing certainty to a chaotic situation, doubts still remain as to how it will operate in practice.
Martin from Derry, a recently unemployed sports coach, condemned the deal, predicting it will end in tears.
“I think John Delaney is taking a massive gamble with this risky strategy that won’t work, but I wish him all the best. By the way, I’m still owed two years’ wages. Just saying.”
This week Dr Old McDonald (SF) ponders an awkward affliction that affects people trying to handle things properly.
As a doctor, I am often asked if there is any cure at all for the condition known as ‘cack-handed’ or notas cleveras gerri as it is clinically known.
What happens is the sufferer fails to grasp the task at hand, is all thumbs and seems totally incapable of getting to grips with things. The longer it goes on, the worse things get. There is a real danger that the victim may even ‘drop the baton’ altogether, resulting in a complete loss of face, followed by verbal diarrhoea and difficulty in swallowing the truth.
Yes I know it’s in my blood, but it’s not my fault I inherited everything! It’s not easy picking up where he left off. There’s all that baggage and… what do you mean you’re leaving? Not another one.
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
|Mohammed bin Salman
|Chops heads off
||Head is on the block
||Speaks out of his Aarhus
|Intervened in Yemeni civil war
||Civil war about to erupt if he stays on
|Has issued death warrants
||Signed O’Neill’s and Keane’s death warrants
|One of the world’s richest men
||One of the world’s richest men
|Vast reserves of oil
|Condemned for events in Turkey
||Condemned for hiring turkeys
IT’S THE BACKSTOP – THE NEW DANCE ROUTINE THAT IS NOT TAKING EUROPE BY STORM!
By our dance correspondents: Strick Lee and Twink L Towes
What it is! The backstop is a crazy new dance routine that involves dancers representing Ireland, the United Kingdom and Europe dancing at Brexit speed (Surely “breakneck” – Ed) along a mazy line known as “the hard border”.
How it works!
Ireland, represented by a professional dancer known as The Sequined-clad Vlad, is held aloft and supported by 27 members of the Euro dance troupe, all the while looking down with utter contempt on the UK (represented by total amateur dancer Theresa Maypole).
How it ends!
May performs a somersault, then a few flip flops, then changes her mind and jumps through lots of hoops before Europe pulls support from under Ireland. Vlad then pirouettes and dances a pas de buck (Surely a “pas de deux?” – Ed) with Theresa before she dances all over him.
Next week: it’s back to the Brexstop!
SANTA’S TOP SELLERS
The North Pole has revealed the most requested gifts from Santa this year:
Subbuteo (Ireland edition)
Tactical game of risk in which the team’s chief executive tries to deflect attention away from himself and on to the underperforming management team and players. Expected to sell out again and again.
Urban version of FarmVille in which players attempt to build houses, rack rent, ignore repairs and enrich themselves. Bonus points awarded if Eoghan Murphy is forced to live in his ministerial car.
Perennial favourite in which a clueless medical administrator (Simon Harris) tries to cope with record numbers of patients while simultaneously clapping himself on the back over the repeal vote.
PEADAR TÓIBÍN’S NEW PARTY IN FULL
Peadar Tóibín: Party leader, with special responsibility for promoting freedom of conscience within the party in relation to the abortion issue.
P. Tóibín: Deputy leader in charge of protecting the freedom of conscience of elected representatives, so that they can all fully support the pro-life campaign.
Peter Tobin: Spokesperson on political, economic and social affairs, with particular emphasis on opposing a European army and general all-round EU treachery in advocating abortion.
(That’s enough Tóibín. Ed.)
PEADAR TÓIBÍN’S FAVOURITES
Favourite film: No Way Back
Favourite song: Time to Say Goodbye, Andrea Bocelli
Favourite TV show: Party of Five
Favourite band: Babyshambles
Favourite shop: Principles
Favourite cream: Whipped
Favourite exercise: Skipping it
Favourite clothing: Belt and braces
Favourite animal: Swan off
Favourite food: Eggs
MARY LOU LASHES CRITICS
Sinn Féin leader Mary Lou McDonald has hit out at critics who have accused her of “hobnobbing with the super-rich” at a fundraising Christmas dinner in the United States.
Speaking outside Leinster House last night, the Dublin Central TD complained that she was a victim of discrimination and was being grossly mistreated – particularly by Fine Gael.
“It’s a disgrace that they are saying I’m totally useless just because the party keeps making embarrassing mistakes under my leadership,” she told reporters.
That Christmas menu
Egg on Face
Steamed up Cahill
Fishy Mess with Peadar
* * * * *
Series of Turkeys
Beef (with Leo)
Super-rich $400 Steak Ta Ta
* * * * *
Sticky (Post-Presidential) Xmas Pudding
Stewed Pearshapes with Cookies ár lá
Humble Pie (off)
Champagne (in the butt) backside
(More recipes for disaster available in the Grizzly Adams Cookbook)
LIVES OF THE SAINTS – NO 2018: ST GEORGE OF NEWSTALK
And there lived in those times a loud man, florid of countenance, who was known as “Hooky” throughout the land. Famous for his pompous expertise in rugby punditry and for his fiery utterances on any subject that came into his head, not a day went by when his sermons and moral exhortations were not heard across the airwaves. “Why oh why,” he would preface all his devotional warnings, “must we tolerate this socialist waste and depravity that we see all around us?”
And this saintly figure in his familiar blue shirt attracted a great many followers and filled his private coffers with riches until they were overflowing. But after making some rash pronouncements about the sensitive matters of rape and immigration, George was cast down by feminist mobs of accusers and was forced to devote himself to sitting on a column in the middle of the desert, known as his Newstalk studio.
And lo it came to pass that Hooky grew weary of living in a land of political correctness gone mad, a land where he was not welcomed, much like a prophet in his own town. George huffed and puffed, saying: “Verily, I have run my course and must retreat in a blaze of obscurity to join my long-suffering wife, the lovely Ingrid.”
And there was widespread rejoicing in the land that Hooky had finally taken a long overdue vow of silence.
But the multitudes were sore vexed when they heard rumours that George’s shoes were to be filled a hundredfold by Blessed Ivan of Yates. And so they fell to their knees in agony and cried: “Will no one rescue us in our distress?”
THAT DUP CONFERENCE
THOSE NEW DICTIONARY WORDS
“Single use”, a term that describes a minority or coalition government (Surely “items whose unchecked proliferation are blamed for damaging the environment and affecting the food chain” – Ed), has been named
Collins’s Word of 2018.
New dictionery words include…
posh (adjective – informal)
1. very smart luxurious.
2. upper class. Believed to be an acronym of Prevent Outsiders Securing Houses. See also ‘posh-boy Murphy’.
harris (verb), to keep criticising somebody until they turn into a frightened schoolboy.
dinny (noun), a drink purchased for a government minister without any favour being asked for in return.
lowry (noun), a drink accepted by a government from a relative stranger without any favour being given in return.
forsey (noun), a large sum of money that looks like a loan, but is suitable only for spending on luxury holidays and new cars.
A great night of back slapping and freebies had by all.
Award for Causing Collapse of Criminal Trial and Costing Your Paper Tens of Thousands of Euro – Irish Indo
Award for Biggest News Room Rows – Daily Mail
Best Use of Filling Space in a Paper – The Irish Times Arts and Ideas Section
Prize for Best New Blank Space Lay Out – Irish Independent
Award for Knowing Who the New Editor of The Irish Times is – No Entrants
Most Likely Overall Winner – Someone from the IT or Indo (as we pay for the damn awards)
Scoop of the Year – Leslie Buckley INM “Checking Email”
New Categories 2020
- Most Rehashed Stories in an Hour by Under-payed Intern
- Best Story by a Robot
- Last Man in an Editorial Position in the 21st Century
BORDERS – THIS WEEK’S BEST SELLING BOOKS
1. Blame it on Boris
2. Red Tape
3. Queuing for a living
4. Stop! Who goes there?
5. Turning back the clock
1. Night crossing
2. Smugglers of South Armagh
3. All Clear on the Northern Front
4. The way we were
5. All along the watchtowers
THOSE WOMEN-ONLY PROFESSORSHIPS ANNOUNCED…
- Professorship of driving a car over the Dáil plinth
- Professor of how to get Mitchell O’Connor re-elected in Dún Laoghaire
- Professor of how to put up with being an advisor to Mitchell O’ Connor for more than one day
- Professorship of making sure MMOC is never demoted again
- Professor of stupid ideas that get publicity
GOVT ANNOUNCES PLAN FOR NEW SCAFF-SCHOOLS
Following the success of its recent rushed schools repair programme, the government has announced that all future schools will be built to this new standard.
Basically, schools will be built of scaffolding covered with a soft mesh, without any annoying inner dividing walls or precast concrete outer walls that could be dangerous.
Teachers – or scaff-staff as they will become known – will be able to see into other classrooms on the same floor, so one teacher will, in theory, be able to watch over two or more classes.
If successful, the scheme will be expanded to cover hospitals, prisons and even housing.
RONAN IN BID TO BUILD DUBLIN’S TALLEST EGO
Fresh from concluding a mega-bucks deal with Face-off, businessman Johnny Ronan (who is planning to build the biggest ego in Ireland) has vehemently denied that it is a “vanity project”.
“The erection, in the Phallusian style, will be the largest in Dublin,” he pantingly explained.
Already dubbed The Johnny by an anonymous Dublin wag, the exterior will be clad in bright pink tiles and the building will thrust high into Dublin’s skyline.
“With a massive fountain on its tip, the head of the building will contain destination brand names such as the Pirate Den rum-tasting bar, Rosanna’s Nutrition and JR’s of Marrakesh,”
according to the bearded one.
Ireland’s Fittest Family – RTÉ One: Sunday, 6.30PM
Join Kathryn Thomas and some very lazy RTÉ programmers as they run out of ideas, flog dead horses and try to exorcise the memory of Finding Joy.
Taken Down – RTÉ One Sunday, 9.30PM
A vulnerable prime minister is continually harassed and bullied by a group of boorish Little Englanders. Can she escape from their clutches before it’s too late?
CASEY: ‘I BLAME MYSELF FOR BLOWING PRESIDENCY!’
By our election staff Pól Corr
Presidential runner-up Peter Casey says he now blames himself for mistakes made in the presidential election and believes the strategy he adopted cost him the contest.
Reflecting on the campaign during a long-deferred trip to a barber shop, the Derry-born millionaire concedes he “spent too much time and energy” focusing on Traveller and social welfare issues.
“I completely overlooked single mothers, people in expensive jails, refugees, drug addicts, even TV3 viewers,” regrets the dragon, who was sporting a new haircut last night.
“I would have been in the bloody door if I had gone for even two of them!”
The disappointed candidate says he is nonetheless “proud” to have projected a vision for a new Ireland. “Roll on 2025,” he says, cheering up.
FIANNA FÁIL FINDS TRUE NORTH
SDLP leader Colum Eastwood has confirmed his party is in talks with Fianna Fáil about a merger ahead of next year’s local elections.
This follows on from a series of deeply disappointing election results and the failure of its weak and uncharismatic figurehead to make any meaningful impact with voters.
While the negotiations are at an early stage, it is expected that Micheál Martin’s troubled party will begin rebranding itself as the SDLP sometime in the new year.
Eastwood claimed that things were so bad for the soldiers of destiny that they simply couldn’t be allowed to continue.
“Obviously it had come to a stage where something had to be done. Micheál tried his best but he just wasn’t connecting and it looked like Fianna Fáil were heading for political oblivion. Thankfully the right course of action is being taken,” he said.
OAP CLAIMS €1.7M FROM THE STATE
A septuagenarian living in Dublin 8 has won his claim for €1.7m. A Mr Michael Twee claimed he suffered serious reputational and injurious damage as he attempted to cling on to his job.
Witnesses spoke of Twee holding on to a moving state-owned Lear jet as he attempted to piggy-back his way to Belfast.
Twee resolutely refused to stop speaking during his self-imposed ordeal, but many onlookers became tired of an old man reciting his own verse and moved on.
However, the judges found in Twee’s favour and ordered the state to pay him just short of €250,000 per annum for the next seven years. In a five-hour monologue on the steps of the RDS count centre, Twee promised…
(Continued ad nauseam on pages 18-25)
- 0 People who still have confidence in Eoghan Murphy’s housing plan
- 75 Number of new crannogs to be built by the end of December
- 44 Fianna Fáil TDs wringing their hands
- 100 Airbnb vouchers to be distributed to homeless families
- 49 Fine Gael TDs whistling past the graveyard
- 60 Years it takes to turnaround vacant local authority house
- 8000 Photo shoots with Leo Varadkar wearing a hard hat
THOSE CONFIDENCE AND SUPPLY TALKS
|You can’t trust those Fianna Fáil bastards
||Those Blueshirt bastards are not to be trusted
|But they’re still preferable to the Shinners
||You can say that again
|So the best approach is to buy time
|By cobbling together the usual guff in the national interest
||Always works a treat
|It’s Leo’s best hope of clinging on as taoiseach
||It’s Micheál’s best hope of ever becoming taoiseach
|That’s it, then – anything but a general election
||Phew! Now we’re really talking!
BINGE DRINKING SET TO DOUBLE NEXT YEAR
One in three Irish drinkers has binged on alcohol in the past year, says a new Healthy Ireland survey. Binge drinking is defined as having six or more standard drinks in a single session – the equivalent of three pints of beer.
But the really shocking news ish that thish figure could be, hic, shet to double next year. Why? Becaush the definition of binge drinking will probably change to two standard drinks per session! Yesh. One single pint!
Bartenders say they expect that, in future, when one of their regulars is ordering a pint for himself and a couple of his mates, he is likely to ask for “three binges of Guinness”.
THOSE NEWSBRANDS AWARDS NOMINATIONS
Name: Fintan O’Toole
Publication: Irish Times
Category: Broadsheet cat litter tray
Entry: You simpletons need not fear my superior intellect
Name: Brendan O’Connor
Publication: Sunday Independent
Category: Sunday bog roll
Entry: Any fool can lose weight. But writing about it every week requires commitment.
Name: Paul Williams
Publication: Irish Independent
Category: Fairy tales for adults
Entry: Superintendent ‘Snowy’ White and the seven scumbags.
CREATURES FROM IRISH FOLKLORE
Long, long, long ago last week, when Ireland was a land tormented by great uncertainty, there was said to exist in the northern reaches of the island, a magical creature known as the Backstop.
The only one of its kind in the entire world, everyone spoke about the wondrous animal, which many claimed would cure all the worries of anyone who embraced it.
But despite the Backstop’s great popularity and the eagerness of people from across Ireland and Europe to clutch it to their bosoms, nobody had ever, ever seen or touched it.
Well-known British wildlife expert Professor Boorish Johnstone, claimed to have seen the Backstop in a dream whilst sleeping with someone’s wife and described it as “hare-brained, toothless and, despite having grown legs, definitely a non-runner”. Sceptics however say he was actually describing his pet cat Jacob Rees-Moggy.
Irish people are happy to leave the Backstop, whatever it may look like, in its place forever but British ministers, who think they own it, insist it must only remain temporarily.
THAT NATIONAL BROADBAND ROLL-OUT MAP