IRELAND DESCENDS INTO POLITICAL CHAOS
by Our Dublin Staff Anne R Key
AS IRELAND teeters on the brink of political crisis over Brexit, General Leo Vladuro of the Ruling Party has again threatened to send thousands of troops to the disputed Northern Irish border.
The move is seen as an attempt to oppose UK leader Prime Minister Mayuro’s plans to establish checkpoints along the 310-mile stretch from Lough Foyle to Carlingford Lough.
“The Irish people are facing the biggest challenge since the foundation of the state and there has never been a greater need for strong military intervention,” according to Vladuro.
“I was chosen as the country’s taoiseach-for-life and I fully intend to use all of my extraordinary and unlimited powers to fulfil that role,” he said.
The move to involve the army has also been viewed as a means to oppress internal dissent from factions within his own ranks – particularly from his main rivals, interim ministers Juan Harrisido and Simondo Covenez.
IN RECENT times, in common with all other publications, we may have led some readers to believe that we saw the Ireland rugby team as a sort of collective deity.
We understand that some headlines – such as ‘Schmidt’s Super Trojans’, ‘Ireland’s Sporting Titans’ and ‘Green Gods Set for Global Domination for Generations to Come’ – could have imparted that somewhat biased impression.
However, the humiliating capitulation to England offers an opportunity to present a clearer portrayal and we now call for this bunch of leaden-booted, knuckle-headed misfits to spare every man, woman and child in the country further embarrassment.
We would like to apologise for our mistake and promise not to repeat it until after we hammer Italy yet again.
SHOCK NEW BORDER PROPOSALS!
The UK’s foreign minister, Jeremy Hunt, has said that Britain will take a few days to formulate suggestions to put to the European Union, in an attempt to resolve the issue of Irish border arrangements after Brexit.
“The prime minister is confident that all 27 EU countries will be very favourably disposed to our latest raft of innovative ideas,” Mr Hunt told BBC Radio. “That is before they inevitably get tossed out.”
The full range of proposals include:
- 300-mile long beaded curtain (choice of cane or bamboo). Beads rattle to alert customs guards and soldiers.
- Attractive herbaceous border combining ornamental features and spilt-level shrubbery. Concealed cacti plants prevent unwanted migrants, smugglers etc.
- Extensive animal enclosure corridor, patrolled 24/7 by a highly trained, SAS-style pride of lions. (That’s enough new proposals – Ed.)
MAY’S PLAN B (IN FULL)
1. Prime minister uses Tipp-Ex to change ‘Plan A’ heading to ‘Plan B’
2. Take new plan to EU leaders in Brussels
3. Taxi waits while Theresa hangs around EU Commission building
4. PM listens to howls of laughter from inside Jean-Claude Juncker’s office
5. She contacts Downing Street to see if street riots have started yet
6. Mrs May asks EU for unworkable alternatives to N. Ireland backstop
7. Donald Tusk smiles and kisses Theresa goodbye on both cheeks
8. Mrs Mayhem buys some more Tipp-Ex and returns in triumph to London
Most Desperate For Attention: Vogue Williams for Three Photo-ops and a Baby
Best Supporting Farce: Roy Keane in Dumb and Dumber
Best Baldy Comedian: Danny Healy-Rae for Silence Of The Lamb Steaks
Best Drowning Not Waving: Eoghan Murphy for Homeless in Seattle
Best Tragic Performance: Fianna Fáil in Misery
Best Cartoon Character: Boris Johnson in Clueless
PARTY NAME SPLITS TÓIBÍN MOVEMENT
by Our Political Staff Martin Wail
FORMER SINN FÉIN TD Peadar Tóibín revealed the name of his new party ahead of a public meeting in Belfast yesterday. Ireland’s latest political grouping is to be called Aontú, meaning unity or agreement.
However, within minutes of Aontú’s first official get-together, there were chaotic scenes as about half of the new party’s membership launched a formal objection to the party’s name.
“Many of us feel strongly that we need an alternative name, such as ‘Renua Lite’, if we are going to have broad appeal to Irish voters,” said one of Tóibín’s colleagues. “We feel strongly that Peadar and his pals should step aside immediately and let the rest of us take the party forward under a brand new name that will appeal to voters throughout this island.”
In response, Tóibín insisted that his party will not be a one-issue movement based around the pro-life agenda. The Meath TD said his party will have a wide raft of additional policies, focusing solely on reversing the abortion legislation and similar social evils.
VALENTINE RELATIONSHIPS UNDER STRAIN
Roy Keane and Harry Arter
You may call it nag, nag, nag,
But my love gives no quarters
And that is why I lost the rag
When I saw you with Jon Walters
Danny Healy-Rae and Shane Ross
Your shiny head,
your way with words,
Were tender traits we shared,
But revealing pics of me asleep
Were proof you never cared!
Micheál Martin and Eamon Ó Cuiv
Your hissy fit and solo run
Became the last resort
When you took off to frolic in
Affairs up in the North!
HONOHAN’S LAST DEBT CASE
Ed Honohan squares up to a rogue banker
Honohan: Next filthy rich financial institution versus downtrodden, gambling borrower please!
Mr Creepiecrawlie for the bank: My client seeks to have €900,000 in borrowings prior to the 2001 Cheltenham festival returned forthwith Mr Master.
Mr Smiley Barrister for the farmer: Cheltenham was abandoned that year, so technically the loan never occurred and, therefore, my client seeks to have the case dismissed, your Masterness. My client only signed it because he thought it was a raffle ticket.
H: These are difficult issues to grapple with but, on the balance of matters, it is hard to avoid coming to the conclusion that this farmer has behaved in a manner likely to lead to significant losses. Who is to blame for such an outcome? Some might point the finger at the shameless bank.
Mr C: But, Judge, sorry Master …
H: I am inclined to invoke the wisdom of Solomon and split the share of the blame between both parties, but will also order that, on this occasion, €1m be paid in compensation to the feckless farmer.
Mr C: My minted clients will find that hard to swallow.
H: At least they won’t be spending a night freezing on the streets. If I had my way… Next bunch of b**stards!
THOSE NEW GAA RULES
The organisation can receive an unlimited number.
The Since Binned Anyone player lashing out at the GAA or marking someone’s card by blackening its name will be required to bin such insinuations.
The Sideline Kick
Players going forward to the media about fixture congestion, Dub
dominance, travel expenses, injury compensation, no toilet on the bus etc may find themselves sidelined by the top brass when the payback kicks in.
The Mark Up
What’s with all the questions, boss?! If this one is about the price hike, what exactly is your problem?! We provide… (That’s enough changing the rules for now – Ed.)
MEDICAL LEXICON UPDATE
HARRIS verb: to irritate incessantly, to whine sanctimoniously and be a nuisance by constantly courting media attention and public affirmation (e.g. “That awful upstart seems to do nothing but harris people.”)
COMPASSIONATE adjective: commonly used to describe young ambitious politicians who will say anything and stop at nothing to advance their ministerial careers (e.g. “Simon is ruthlessly
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3703
|CIA want to kill him
||Taxman can’t bill him
|Inflation is a problem
||Inflated ego is a problem
|Friendly with Evo Morales
||Friendly with amoral capitalists
|Retains support of the military
||Retains support of Dave Fanning
This week, Dr Simon Harris examines a contagious condition affecting the nursing profession
As a doctor I am often asked, ‘Why are those nurses outside walking up and down with placards and is there any cure?’
The unfortunate creatures are suffering from what is medically known as awaywiththefairies. It attacks the brain, causing crazy ideas, delusions and a belief that money can cure things.
It is mostly found amongst what we call the ‘working classes’ and may be caused by over-exertion of the sweat glands and poor sleeping patterns – but I find that hard to believe from my intense studies, conducted while waiting for my driver to bring the car round.
The best advice is to wash my hands of it and ensure it doesn’t spread to my career prospects.
IRISH RADICALS ‘MET IN KILDARE STREET’
There was shocked international reaction last night after it emerged that a group of Irish extremists have been living openly on Kildare Street in Dublin for the past number of years.
According to a source close to the shady Fine Gael group, the organisation’s leadership – consisting of Vlad Al Varadkar and Simon bin Coveney – have fantasised openly about imposing their crazed ideology on the Irish public and remaining in power for years on end.
“Their followers have been completely brainwashed,” said the source. “They all blindly support Varadkar and worship PR opportunities. Anyone who steps out of line is stabbed in the back and unceremoniously thrown under a bus.”
Further underlining the cult of personality surrounding the leader, he last week enjoyed a lavish 40th birthday party, at which sundry followers were invited to praise his incredible achievements and pretend the health and housing crises don’t exist.
BREXIT LEXICON UPDATE
DODDS noun. Fearful deep-rooted suspicion of any change. (Ulster-Scots origin.) E.g. “Nigel keeps repeating the same old tissue of dodds.”
PLAN B noun. Aspirational promise to achieve something – anything – after everything else fails miserably. E.g. “Mrs May is intent on using Plan B in a further attempt to cling on to power.”
OTOOLE verb. to experience a deep sense of boredom after reading long-winded newspaper article.
E.g. “That awful stuff in the Irish Times seems designed to otoole readers.”
NO END IN SIGHT TO BREXIT SHAMBLES
EXCLUSIVE TO ALL NEWSPAPERS
– Politicians unable to agree shock
ON OTHER PAGES
• Leo celebrates his own birthday – p4
• Photo of Vogue Williams’s baby – p7
VLAD’S NON-MEAT MENU
Has-beans; toast; smell the coffee
Something cheesy with pickle on brown bread;
Fishy: choice of cod or Healy-ray
Vegetating: Hot potatoes; leeks; corn-on-the-cobblers
Trifle upset & going bananas
DANNY HEALY-RAE’S GRACE BEFORE MEALS
Who art on tractors
Hallowed be thy herd
Thy Kingdom cow
That will be done on hearth
As it is in ovens
Give us this Dáil
Our daily meat
And then give us green pastures
So we can give those
Who trapes past against us
Bacon, cabbage temptations
That delivers us from vegans
THAT COVENEY-ROSS ‘PRIVATE CONVERSATION’
Simple Simon: Well that’s another load of old guff spouted into the record books.
Snobby Ross: Yes and you didn’t go too fast…good man!
SS: Of course; I know where the border is between attentive and bored!
SR: I thought a few of them in the front row were starting to nod off…
SS: That’s why I left out the bits about upping the infrastructural integrity of the quasi-duplicate sustainability, when addressing multifarious proclivity, sort of thing.
SR: I fear that’s where I err – I never know what to say and they all nod off! I ought to check myself before crossing that border.
SS: You should. But don’t go mentioning checks at borders. You know what the plebs are like – they’ll blame us for keeping them awake over border checks!
SR: Correct. It’s a good thing these microphones are switched off…
TRUMP DEFENDS SHUTDOWN
US PRESIDENT Donald Trump has defended his decision to maintain the partial government shutdown and has insisted that his Democratic opponents are to blame.
In a series of executive tweets overnight, the president said: “I am sincerely emproudened to see myself as protectifying a great point of principle here, just like Marvin Luther King had to do during the Alamo crisis. He courageously led his brave redcoats along the Mexican border and refused to surrender to trigger-happy Nazi immigrants. A beautiful thing.”
Mr Trump went on to accuse House Speaker Nancy Pelosi of endangering national security: “I have grounded this so-called woman because she is a really bad type of evil witch who is still refusing to hand over the patriotic $6 billion needed to constructify an invisible fence to protect this great country.
“It goes to explain all those angry ladies out there on our all-American streets, so it’s actually a lucky thing they were never given the vote – even though many of them are such good pieces of ass.”
(That’s enough Trump – Ed.)
NEW ABBEY THEATRE SEASON OF PLAYS
WHO’S AFRAID OF NEGATIVE PUBLICITY?
Haunting portrayal of discord in the world of Irish theatre, culminating in unforgettable farce when 300 theatre practitioners chase Abbey bosses Neil Murray and Graham McLaren around the building. Director: Josepha Madigan
LONG DAY’S JOURNEY INTO PENURY
Searing examination of isolation and alienation, focusing on an aspiring actor trying to make ends meet in the world of Irish theatre in 2019. Powerful ending sees the Abbey reconfirm its commitment to contemporary Irish plays, by staging a revival of Grease with an Eastern European cast.
DEATH OF A THEATRE
Harrowing exploration of existential ennui, focusing on a disillusioned audience member forced to sit through the Abbey’s latest co-production.
(That’s enough Abbey – Ed.)
NOTTINGHAM DECLARED NO-FLY ZONE
By Dion Fawning of Woe.ie
The English city of Nottingham has been declared a no-fly zone following the appointment of Martin O’Neill as Notts Forest boss. The move has been made in anticipation of the number of balls expected to be launched into the stratosphere as O’Neill’s reign commences.
“During O’Neill’s spell in charge of Ireland, Dublin became a no-go for aviation,” droned a member of the local airport authority. “There was one occasion when Daryl Murphy and Jon Walters were selected in the same team and there were disastrous consequences for the global airline industry.”
Meanwhile, a UN peacekeeping group was immediately mobilised last week, when rumours spread that Roy Keane was set to join up with O’Neill again as Forest assistant boss.
“We put the city into lockdown and blockaded prawn sandwich deliveries,” said the general heading up the unit. “This was in addition to the APB on Tony O’Donoghue issued following O’Neill’s initial appointment.”
As a doctor, parents often ask me, “Doctor, how much will this prescription cost me?” It’s a frivolous question, but to humour them, I always explain, “It should work out at about €5.50, although that could easily rise due to unexpected but very understandable happenings, such as er, the sun rising in the mornings, birds nesting in trees and Danny Healy-Rae gorging on meat.”
But thankfully even if the knock-on effect of these kind of unforeseen factors should prompt an upward tilt in the price of manufacture, it will definitely not flatline above €3bn. Of course I do reassure the mug…er, patients that they are getting the best tablets of their kind in the world! That usually brings a smile to their faces.
VOGUE AND SPENCER’S LATEST TV SUCCESS
IRISH self-promoter Vogue Williams and husband Spencer Matthews have been celebrating the birth of their E4 reality series (cleverly entitled ‘Spencer, Vogue and Publicity Too’).
Relaxing last night in a quiet London restaurant, with hundreds of their closest photographers, the loved-up celebrity duo reflected on a whirlwind year in the public eye.
Said Vogue: “From the first moment I saw him, I knew Spencer was the one – the one to get me on to the front page of the tabloids. Of course, we’ve also been blessed with the arrival of the new show, so I just feel like the luckiest woman in the world – my husband loves me and so do I.”
Asked about their plans for the future, Vogue said, “For the time being, we’re very happy with stories about our fun-loving private lives in Hello every month but, like any married couple, we would love to have at least two or three more reality shows. If not, then there’s always the chance of getting divorced and going off with some other celebrities.”
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3702
|Ran out of road
||Running out of ideas
|Was behind the wheel
||Asleep behind the wheel
|Lost control momentarily
||Lost control permanently
|Couldn’t get out of ditch
||Tories can’t ditch her
|Halted by immovable barrier
||Halted by immovable DUP
|Was breathalysed by police
||Suffered breathtaking defeat
THAT GELDOF HONORARY DEGREE
Saluti Bobus Geldfukoffus auld hairi scraggli e mouthus alwaysi openni per profanatii hurlatus ad infinitum ad infinitum e beardi unkempti au resemblum bogbrushum e givus headachius au screamius awfuli au nolikeum Mondaysium e worsius e bosom pallum au tedius Bononevershuttupius au togethrium worthium billionariums au flyum firstclassium e waggi fingerii atallofus per giveus f***ing shekels e Afric. Bah!
GARDAÍ RELEASE REASONS WHY YOUTH CRIMES WERE NOT INVESTIGATED
- The pencil broke
- Was meaning to do it on Thursday…
- The priest promised to have a word with him
- We were all young wan time…
- He was in the GAA
- They agreed to bring the squad car back undamaged if we dropped it
- Lost track of time while removing penalty points
FARMERS STRUGGLING TO SURVIVE FOOT-IN-MOUTH DISASTER
By Our Political Reporter, Martin Wail
Panic and anger has gripped the Irish cattle industry, as farmers struggle to contain the latest foot-in-mouth outbreak by Taoiseach Leo Varadkar.
The crisis broke out after the Fine Gael leader said cows were deadly killing machines intent on wiping out humanity with cancer, heart disease and farts. (Surely he said, ‘Excessive consumption of red meat may have some negative health and environmental ramifications?! – Ed).
As the grim news that the taoiseach may be a closet vegetarian continues to spread, many farmers already fear they may have to grow turnips in the top field to survive.
Said one Laois farmer picking his nose at a gate, “If just one in 20 people believe what that man says – and that could happen – then I’ll have to cull Cheltenham this year. That’s how bad it is! We need an emergency aid package from the European Union by tomorrow morning or we’re all doomed!”
• Apocalypse Now: Documentary about INM as it embarks on a new three-year strategy. Contains scenes of violent disagreement.
MURRAY – “MY AGONY”
Looking relaxed and cheerful, a smiling Conor Murray posed for photographs yesterday as he told reporters of his “months of hell” after deciding to tell nobody anything at all.
The Ireland international, who was sidelined with a brass-neck complaint that kept him out of action for almost five months, chatted happily with fans as he spoke of the “awful nightmare” he had endured.
“It’s been a crazy time trying to cope with a mystery illness that threatened my delicate negotiations to become the highest paid player in Irish rugby,” admitted Murray.
“The pain was unbearable – even worse than in 2016 when I was savaged by Diertie Baastaad of the South African All Whites who had just done a line out at half-time,” he added.
EDMUND HONOHAN’S FAVOURITES
Favourite musician: MC Hammer
Favourite film: Shattered Glass
Favourite song: ‘The Air That I Breathe’ – The Hollies
Favourite TV show: ‘Breaking Bad’
Favourite businessman: Malcolm Glazer
FURY AS ETHIOPIAN PRIME MINISTER GRANTS AUDIENCE TO VARADKAR
By Jen Derbalance
Ethiopian Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed has defended meeting Irish Taoiseach Leo Varadkar. Ahmed faced strong criticism from his people for seeming to turn a blind eye to the status of women in Dáil Éireann, the temple of power known as the ‘Holy Grail’ amongst Irish politicians, as they pray for elevation to a higher form of existence, influence and eternal reverence.
Privately, an Ethiopian government spokesman said he was astonished the diplomatic gaffe was allowed to occur. Justifying his actions, the Ethiopian leader urged his people to “accept different cultures and beliefs, even if they seem backward”. He asked them to pray that “one day, Mr Varadkar will embrace change and give Irish women equality in their own country”.
‘EVERY CLICHÉ BEING EXHAUSTED’ AHEAD OF BREXIT VOTE
Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has assured the country that “every cliché possible” is being explored ahead of the upcoming final vote – until the next one – on the Brexit deal in Westminster.
“The Irish government has given Theresa May further reassurances that we will come out with the usual stock responses when this vote is inevitably postponed,” Mr Varadkar told snoozing hacks at government buildings yesterday. “In addition, we have offered additional clarification on the backstop – ie, that it’s currently mired in complete chaos and confusion.”
The taoiseach also noted that “nobody will go hungry” as a result of Brexit-related food shortages.
“TDs and senators will still have their noses in the trough,” said Vlad. “I have certainly had concerned phone calls from numerous politicians in Leinster House, but I reassured them they’ll all retain their enormous expenses, chauffeured cars and pension perks.”
THAT HACKED LUAS DATA (IN FULL)
The Luas this morning
• Tens of thousands of unanswered emails from disgruntled commuters.
• Additional graphic details of muggers, addicts and party-goers falling about and getting sick.
• Medical records of passengers who have suffered bruising and asphyxia on crowded trains.
HEALY-RAE PROTEST OVER ASSAULT CHARGES
by Our Political Staff Martin Wail
TWO sons of the high-profile Kerry South TD Michael Healy-Rae have issued statements concerning media stories about their father’s abusive behaviour in a public place.
For the past seven years, there have been countless newspaper reports detailing the Independent Deputy’s antics on the floor of Leinster House. On numerous occasions, Mr Healy-Rae has caused uproar – particularly when launching vicious attacks on Government ministers who oppose his views on climate change, drink-driving laws and the growing problem of rampant rhododendrons.
“It always ceases to amaze me why dis shmart crowd of so-called journalists and proven lawyers above in Dublin be always bothering me fadder,” said Jackie Junior yesterday. “He has every right to defend himself agin dese nancy boyos dat have no respect for daycent rural traditions.”
Said Michael’s younger son, Kevin Junior: “De Healy-Raes has been keeping de country safe an’ sound for years, so dey should be allowed to deal wid people in der own way widout de press breathin’ down dere necks – do oo know what I mean?”
BREXIT LEXICON UPDATE
verb. to quake or shiver in the face of looming disaster. (N. Irish origin.) e.g. “The Prime Minister still believes that she may secure unwavering DUP support over the coming year.”
No 9: SHANE ROUTS THE FAIKERS – from the Book of Geriatrics
And at the time there were amongst the people a group known as the FAIkers who wielded great and who were led by a man called John. The FAIkers were long of tooth and rich of meal vouchers and great was the gnashing of teeth amongst all when their name was mentioned.
And when Holy Shane of Ross didst hear of the FAIkers and how they didst present themselves as God Almighty; great was his willingness to smite them for he believed he alone was the Saviour of all.
And going to them he didst point the finger and seeing their many cobwebs, he did sayeth, ‘Out! Be gone! Scram! Off before I bring in even more new legislation under Section 3, Paragraph B, subsection (iv) of the Failure to Move On Act 2001 BC!!” And turning to the leader John the Fattest Wallet, he didst stare hard and wag his finger. And great was John’s fear, for he knew the game was up. And a great sigh of hope was heard from the people throughout the land.