The magazine with the Inside Stories
Category: Craic & Codology
Goldhawk breaks down Communicorp’s whopping €34m price-tag for Newstalk
RESIDENTS in Kilkenny have expressed grave concerns over plans to construct a deeply controversial cultural centre in the county.
Many worry the hub could encourage young people in the area to get sucked into a life of ideological rigidity and fanatical levels of obedience.
The cult-like group refer to themselves as hurlers and are led by their secretive and deeply uncharismatic leader, Brian Cody.
Cody has being known to spew hysterical levels of hatred towards non-believers who occupy the disputed lands of Tipperary and Wexford.
One local woman who didn’t wished to be named worries about what would happen if the proposal was approved by the local authority.
“Cody claims to be the only path to redemption and has been untouchable over the last 20 years. Any attempt to question his authority is usually dealt with in a swift and brutal manner. I think giving into his demands is dangerous and counterproductive,” she said.
56 – Unpublished Paul Kimmage articles about Paul Kimmage
92 – Spiked Rosanna Davison photo shoots
1400 – Joe Brolly eulogies for Tyrone footballers
3000 – Meghan Markle profiles
5000 – Barry Egan tributes to Bono
81000 – Contradictory Eoghan Harris opinion pieces
1.5million – Brendan O’Connor scoops on Norah Casey’s new mascara
Reader’s Question: I’m told Israel is warm at this time of year and is very welcoming. Would you recommend it?
Mícheál Mac Donncha: I’ve just returned from visiting the region as part of my research into the ancient practice of cage-rattling which remains very popular in both Israel and the north to this day.
To be honest, I’d describe Israel as way too hot for comfort at the moment. Even the locals seem unable to cope with conditions and this probably explains why I found them not just unhelpful, but downright argumentative. Awful spellers too.
Happily I did encounter some very hospitable individuals only a stone’s throw from the border, however.
An occasional service to readers offering selected meanings of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy
1. (noun) Food that is given to farm animals – and journalists!
(Is that last bit true? – Ed).
2. (noun) People or things that are useful for the stated purpose. Denis O’Brien continues to provide great fodder for journalists.
(Ah, I geddit now. -Ed).
3. (noun) How a priest is addressed in certain parts of rural Ireland.
“Bless me, Fodder….”
In our next issue:- DATA INTERROGATION
By Muhreeum O’Callaghan
MANY of you will by now have read at your breakfast table or received texts from family and friends that I have decided, this time, not to run for president of our wonderful little country.
It is not a decision lightly made. Truly I have been humbled and a little embarrassed these past few years by the number of people – many with tears in their eyes – who have approached me at so many charity events and hospital visits to urge me to run for president.
Particularly I recall the man who rose from his wheelchair and walked home after shaking my hand.
Astonishingly, even as war loomed in Syria, as the 20th anniversary of the Good Friday Agreement dawned and the number of patients on hospital trolleys continued to rise, people from all corners of Dublin 4 still approached me to repeat the request.
Yet deep down I knew I did not want the job just yet.
Once I had decided not to run I realised that the longer I waited to announce my decision the more crushing would be the disappointment for everyone.
It is out of respect for the wonderful Irish people and for Michael D Higgins, who I consider to be a dear friend and a wonderful ambassador for the country that I now confirm my absence from next year’s contest. Thank you all.
(No – thank you Miriam! Our supplements will always be here for you if you change your mind – Ed)
By All Hacks
IT’S ALL too easy to become cynical about the political impasse in the north, but even a hard-bitten commentator like myself was forced to shed a tear yesterday.
Yes, I have to admit that the floodgates opened when my editor asked me to write a 1,000 words by lunchtime on the 20th anniversary of the 1998 agreement.
I was immediately overwhelmed by a powerful surge of emotion as I recalled those distant scenes at Stormont Castle when all the main players – Mitchell, Blair, Ahern – faced the world’s media.
Was there ever such an unforgettable symbol of a bright new dawn for peace in our time?
As the tears cascaded down my cheeks, I thought of all the selfless architects of the crucial agreement who had single-handedly ended the Troubles – Clinton, Adams, Bono – courageously posing for the cameras for weeks on end.
No wonder that even a seasoned reporter such as myself wanted to join in with all my colleagues in this mass outpouring of complete drivel (Surely an epoch-making development?– Ed.)
By Barry Ego
AS dramatic details emerge of an alleged data breach at Independent News & Media, the state’s watchdogs have claimed that sensational emails have been doing the rounds belonging to prominent journalists – or “persons of interest”. Quelle surprise! Of course they’re of interest – they work for the Sindo!
As I said to Bono over cocktails in Lillie’s last night, INM has been at the very forefront of pioneering press freedom in this little country. But what is at stake now is a principle of the utmost importance – our right to publish glossy pics of scantily-dressed models to sell more copies of the soaraway Life magazine.
But say what you like, and I usually do, not all my closest friends in media circles are fabulously rich and famous, don’t you know. We work for a living and that’s why the lovely Pippa O’Connor agrees with me that we simply hate it when our privacy is invaded.
Which is why we’re all in a strop at the thought of persons unknown rummaging through the ultra-private blow-drying updates I regularly receive from gorgeous Rosanna Davison. Still, as Niamh Horan says, the really important thing is that the super Sindo is back in the news again – and so am I!
(This is awful. Keep it coming! – Ed)
At Your Service – RTÉ 2: Sunday, 8.30pm Fussy little men with way too much time on their hands decide to go through a struggling media company with a fine toothcomb to see what secrets lie inside (allegedly).
National Treasures – RTÉ: Saturday, 6.30pm This week John Creedon meets celebrity solicitor Gerald Kean who has in his possession information which ended up costing the national broadcaster well over €180,000.
After a Sunday Times survey revealed Fianna Fáil voters prefer male candidates, we take a look at some of those other Fianna Fáil voter preferences:
Carrig-on Cowen: Sleepy backwater where everything can be deferred until tomorrow as you idle among the beer gardens surrounded by such unforgettable scenery as the Mountain of Debt and the Tide of Emigration.
Ballymingflanagan: Often referred to as ‘just a bit Irish” because of its tiresome efforts to present itself as of “European” importance, this seldom-regarded hamlet is just the place to rest your joints while inhaling the sweet aroma of freshly cut turf.
Paulwilliamstown: This quaint little wasteland welcomes all visitors unless you happen to be some filthy, low-life scumbag intent on pushing drugs and fivers… (That’s’ enough hidden gems for now _Ed)
AS PART of the Letters I Wish I’d Sent series, assistant editor of the Sunday Independent Brendan O’Connor puts into words a letter he wishes he’d sent to himself many years ago.
Dear Brendan,
ow are you? Can’t believe Twink and Linda Martin agreed to appear on this week’s show. Tubridy must be bricking it.
Anyway, the reason I’m writing is to remind you to delete cookies from your server. No, not the sweet crumbly treats – we had enough problems with those lol – but the cookies on your internet history.
I know it sounds paranoid but in the future a bunch of serious nosey parkers will want to find out all about your online habits as well as some of your colleagues’.
So seriously delete everything. If you think you are being too cautious, don’t worry, you’re not.
Oh yeah! You might want to tone down all the accolades about Bertie. Things take a bit of a turn for the worse around 2008. Turns out he couldn’t find the betting slips.
Take care and remember no one will ever love you as much as I do.
Brendan
Those Referendum Posters in full
By Mal Ware
COMMUNICATIONS firm Eir executives have said plans to deliver high speed broadband to 300,000 businesses and upgrade the system across rural Ireland will “remain unaltered” despite a voluntary redundancy package that will cut its workforce by 750.
An Eir executive reassured the public today, saying: “There’s nothing to fear. The lad we have doing all that stuff is not going anywhere. And anyway he doesn’t come up for retirement until September!
“He’s out there even as we speak with a shovel, a bag of wires and a map. We remain as committed as ever.”
Efforts to e-mail Business, Enterprise and Innovation Minister Heather Humphreys for a comment failed as she was out of coverage opening a new digital hub deep inside rural Kilkenny.
Britain’s Foreign Secretary tells it like it isn’t
QUADRUPLE CRIPES! What a busy week with all this bombing hoo-ha happening in Syria or wherever. Which means non-stop round-the-clock pressure for poor old Bozza.
Let’s face it, the whole Middle East desert business is all a tad complex, but the MI6 chaps in the know reckon that it’s high time to snuggle up with the Americans again. I mean, we can’t have Johnny Native and these other war-monger chappies resorting to all sorts of awful military-style weapons against their own citizens.
So we’ve jolly well given this Assad rotter a stiff warning that these dastardly chemical weapon thingies are completely off limits. Which all means that if Assad fails to keep attacking his own people in an ethical fashion, then President Donald will be forced to wipe out Syria with the flick of a switch in the usual ethical way that we do these things in the West.
Hey presto! World peace at a stroke and it’s a win-win situation. Bojo suddenly more popular than ever. And that means the Bozmeister is very likely to pop up as boss man at Number 10 in seconds flat. Toodle pip!
Favourite film: Escape from New York
Favourite song: Walking on Broken Glass, Annie Lennox
Favourite TV show: Arrested Development
Favourite band: The Trashmen
Favourite chocolate: Double Decker
Favourite accessory: Cuffs
Favourite holiday: Rikers Island
Favourite clothing: Jumpsuit
Favourite food: Porridge
Favourite exercise: Throwing shade
A FAMOUS golfer struggled in the final round of a golfing competition in Augusta, Georgia. An eye-witness said: “From what I could gather, the golfer who lost wore a pale blue v-neck sweater and did not play very well on the final day.
The American golfer who won the tournament wore a bright red v-neck sweater and played much better.
We have no idea.
Inside:
By Our Political Staff – Phil Pockets
ARLENE FOSTER, who was minister in charge of the department that set up the renewable heat incentive scheme, has strenuously denied all allegations that she was involved in the botched green energy project.
Giving evidence in Belfast yesterday at the public inquiry into RHI, the DUP leader blamed any unforeseen oversights on government officials, civil servants and her team of highly-paid special advisers – none of whom she recalled ever meeting.
“At no time was I ever made aware of the manifest flaws in this clearly defective cash-for-ash scheme,” said Mrs Foster. “So that explains why everybody else – except me – was entirely responsible for the complete debacle.”
The former First Minister repeatedly stated she had no recollection of being warned about RHI’s escalating costs and that she had been focusing on more important political matters at the time. “This is another convincing reason why I am definitely not responsible,” she said. “After all, I was working tirelessly on decommissioning the Stormont Assembly and putting the peace process permanently beyond use.”
| CONOR McGREGOR | RORY McILROY |
|---|---|
| Major embarrassment | Masters embarrassment |
| Lost to Mayweather | Lost fairweather fans |
| Pulled a stroke | Takes too many strokes |
| Pulled a stroke | Stuck in bunker |
| Threw trash cans | Threw away victory |
| Has no UFC belts | Has no green jacket |
| Hybrid sports star | Hybrid nationality |
| Worth millions | Disappointed millions |
PRIME TIME host Miriam O’Callaghan has paid tribute to Winnie Mandela who was laid to rest recently.
The RTÉ presenter said she was deeply moved by the plight of the ANC activist who many had predicted was destined for the top job in South African politics.
“It’s genuinely heartbreaking to think that a woman who was regarded as mother of the nation was denied the opportunity to even contest a presidential election,” she said.
O’Callaghan also claimed Mandela’s former husband, Nelson, should have stood aside from the presidency much sooner than he did.
“A combination of bad timing and a stubborn old man refusing to give way to a much more likeable and charismatic woman resulted in Winnie Mandela having to forsake her birthright. I wouldn’t like to see something like this happen again,” she added.
TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has reiterated his opposition to working with Sinn Féin. The Fine Gael leader ruled out any prospect of a coalition between the two parties in the immediate future. Speaking to the media at a charity sock launch in Leinster House the Dublin West TD said he didn’t wish to join forces with republicans.
“Sinn Féin have demonstrated time again that they can’t be trusted to guarantee me a workable majority in the Dáil. As a result I believe they are completely unsuitable for government until after the next election at least,” he said.
FFs Micheál Martin welcomed the Taoiseach’s comments and said he too was wary of engagement with Mary Lou McDonald’s party this side of a poll.
“I agree completely with Leo about the threat posed by Sinn Féin. It is absolutely vital they be prevented from forming a government that doesn’t include myself as Taoiseach,” he added.
The Easter recess is over and the Eoin O’Duffy Memorial Infirmary is returning to full operations, in more ways than one. Hospital master Leo Varadkar prepares for a delicate procedure on a visiting American, with the help of a committee of assistant surgeons.
Varadkar: What’s this guy’s name again?
Surgeon Timmy Dooley: Kaplan, I think. But we just call him Mr Facebook – it’s easier to remember
Varadkar: Okay, Mr Facebook. We need to carry out a small probe of your interior. It may involve some “scraping” of data, as you call it in the States.
Facebook: Will it hurt?
Dooley: We certainly hope so.
Facebook: (panicking): What?
Surgeon Lawless (James): The gloves are off, pal.
Varadkar: Put the gloves back on, Lawless, you’re not in Kildare, or whatever bog you came from, now. (To Facebook, handing him a document) We need to sign this consent form, sir. Preferably without reading it first.
Facebook (studying form in horror): But it says here you reserve the right to share some or all of my organs with third parties?
Varadkar: Gosh – does it?
Facebook: Yes. I’m not signing that!
Dooley (to Varadkar): I told you we should have made the small print smaller.
Varadkar (taking form back): Okay, maybe we’ll try again later when the anaesthetic has kicked in. For now, let’s operate.
Facebook: Before the anaesthetic takes effect?
Varadkar: Don’t worry – you won’t feel more than slight discomfort. Isn’t that right, Nurse Naughton?
Hildegarde Naughton: Yes, we’re famously gentle on Americans who invest billions in our hospital.
Varadkar: The truth is, we just need to make you squirm a little – for public relations purposes. And we don’t need you to sign for that. (He produces another consent form). Your boss Mr Zuckerberg has already given us the go-ahead.
Elsewhere in the hospital, later. During an inspection of wards with Dr Harris, the hospital master is pleasantly surprised by the lack of overcrowding.
Varadkar: According to the hospital newspaper, there were 26 people on trolleys here yesterday. Now I see only three?
Harris: Well, you know what the press is like – they always exaggerate. But there’s an ebb and flow to these things anyway. Yesterday might have been unusually high.
Varadkar: And yet the same thing happened the last time I was here. The paper had reported 27 on trolleys then. There were only two when I arrived.
Harris: Well, it is the Our Lady of Lourdes ward. You’d expect some miraculous recoveries.
Varadkar: May I be candid with you, Dr Harris? (He looks him in the eye). I’m hearing there’s a phenomenon known as the “Leo dip”. It means that whenever people hear I’m about to visit a ward, the number of patients on trolleys there drops mysteriously. How do you explain that?
Harris (looking shifty): Er, it could be that you yourself have supernatural powers?
Varadkar: Right. And how exactly would they work
Harris: In some cases, hearing of your approach, people on trolleys may undergo otherwise inexplicable recoveries. Or if they’re really sick, the beds available might suddenly multiply.
Varadkar: Hmmm When you put it like that, it seems plausible. Keep up the good work, everybody. I’ll be back for another surprise visit this time next week.
A hospital corridor, later. During a walk and talk with his deputy master, Simon Coveney, Dr Varadkar notices a familiar figure lurking.
Varadkar: Don’t look now, but see that old, dishevelled guy near the coffee machine, talking to a TV camera? He’s been all over the place recently – who the hell is he?
Coveney: He’s Bertie something, claims he’s a former master, back when this place was run by the Order of St Luke’s.
Varadkar: What’s he doing here this week?
Coveney: It’s the 20th anniversary of some historic operation he claims to have overseen, apparently. Somebody’s doing a documentary on it.
Varadkar: Let’s eavesdrop. (He stops by the coffee machine, ordering a skinny half-caff flat white).
Ahern: …And of course dere was a lotta of setbacks along de way. I lost me patience a few times, I can tell ye, ha, ha. Aldough I covered it up well. But finally de whole ting came togedder. Den we took Articles Two and Tree out. De rest was histry.
Varadkar (walking away with coffee): Did he really say he lost patients and covered it up?
Coveney: That’s what I heard too. He seemed to find it funny.
Varadkar: If I thought for a moment it was true, I’d report him to the medical council. But he’s clearly just an old fantasist.
Coveney: Probably. I mean, not to be snobbish about it, but he doesn’t exactly sound like one of us.
Varadkar: No. Not that we sound the same, Simon – you’ve got one of those regional accents, obviously. And yet somehow it’s almost as posh as mine.
Coveney: Thanks.
Varadkar: I’m sure he’s harmless enough, but still. (To nearby security man) Keep an eye on that old guy over at the coffee machine, will you? Don’t let him near any of the places we keep drugs or money.
INDEPENDENT News and Media has announced plans to diversify its business operations over the coming months.
The corporate media giant wants to enter into the highly lucrative field of natural resources and data mining in particular. The move comes hot on the heels of a decision to dig for info at the offices of the Irish Independent, which critics say could still turn out to be costly.
Not everyone is happy about the new approach and some have urged the company to exercise caution. The Irish Independent’s editor-in-chief Stephen Rae has claimed the paper’s USP could be damaged by the move.
“Everyone knows how good the Indo is at flinging mud and hoping it sticks. I hope this obsession with finding dirt won’t undermine our day-to-day activities,” he said.
AUSTRALIAN cricket captain Steve Smith has denied tampering with Simon Coveney’s balls.
The Tánaiste and part-time circus performer had spent months trying to keep the items up in the air while simultaneously checking to see which way the wind was blowing.
But disaster struck when he yet again tripped up over his oversized shoes and the Corkman’s attempts to continue juggling were brought to an abrupt end.
Speaking to journalists in Sydney the blubbering batsman Smith vowed to clear his name. “Juggling is something you would normally associate with clowns and while I admire Simon’s dexterity I can confirm that I played no part whatsoever in deflating his balls or causing him to fall flat on his face,” he said.
Three canny canines give their reaction
Leo – Owned by Mr E. U. Brussels
“Hard to judge”
Mick – Owned by Mr M Wallace of Wexford.
“Dinner at Ross’s place? I wouldn’t bother me arse getting all dressed up for that.”
Brendan Howling – Owned by Mr B Howlin of Wexford.
“Why was I not invited to that dinner? Don’t forget me!”
This week attorney general and faithful companion Séamus Woulfhound delivers his verdict on the latest dog food to hit the shelves.
As Ireland’s best known expert on canine nutrition I cannot say how appalled I am at the depreciating quality of dog’s dinners coming on the market these days!
Take this new ‘Shane’s Dog Dinner’ that I was asked to judge yesterday.
Never seen such indigestible rubbish! Stank to the high heavens of old cod and tripe, riddled with hard cheese, hoary old chestnuts and so many bones to pick it would choke an entire kennel! No wonder I was growling all day long.
Take it from me — if you want man’s best friend to wag his tail at you, give him his Chums or his Pals every day of the week. Woof! Woof!
Abortion Referendum Bill
The original proposal has been clarified and involves reassuring protocols allowing a lot more time for consideration of this crucial issue.This has given me additional time to assess the impact on my future career prospects – so, in fact, my sudden u-turn was not an embarrassing u-turn at all.
Brexit Border negotiations
It’s all really complicated, but that’s great because I love learning new things like how all these mystery EU tariffs work.The border issue is incredibly complex and impossible to understand, but my new friend Mr Juncker has promised me that he’ll take care of everything.
Expelling Russian diplomats
It’s critical that we show solidarity with our UK allies, but also vital to recognize that security matters are totally hush-hush.We walk a delicate tightrope between the right of ex-spies to live in Salisbury and the right of Russian agents to bump them off using deadly nerve gas.
Avoiding embarrassing gaffes
Politics means being in the public eye, so important government ministers like me have to be terribly careful and check first with the Taoiseach and consult with advisers or local taxi-drivers before saying anything ridiculous that will leave egg all over my face.Whoops!
TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has reiterated that Ireland remains “fully neutral” on the international stage, despite his decision to expel a Russian diplomat.
Speaking on a leisurely plane-spotting trip to Shannon, the Taoiseach insisted, “As I recently advised Donald as we watched the moon rise above Washington together, we are neither for nor against our wonderful, close friends in the US, UK and Europe whom we trust and admire totally.
And equally we are neither for nor against those shady looking despotic types with their scarred cheeks, hairy palms, close-knit eyebrows and boxes of Novichokolates, who’d knife you for a mackerel and whose nationality we needn’t mention!
I hope that clarifies our precise position now and forever. Why is that man in the orange suit waving his fist at me on the way to his flight?”
Hardy Bucks, Sunday 10.35pm – Comedy about four twenty-somethings who unexpectedly find themselves temporarily in trouble with the law. In this week’s episode Paddy, Stuart, Rory and Blane decide to get back on the dating scene.
Catastrophe, Thursday, 9.00pm – Sitcom about an ageing politician (Micheál) whose brief affair with a dashing Indian doctor turns into a disastrous, full-blown relationship which he can’t escape from.
Favourite film: Flashbacks of a Fool
Favourite song: Think Twice, Celine Dion
Favourite TV show: WWE Smackdown
Favourite book: Fifty Shades of Grey
Favourite food: Ham-fisted
Favourite clothing: Turncoat
Favourite holiday: Route 66 (per cent)
Favourite chocolate: Flake
Favourite passtime: Flying kites
Favourite prayer: Hail Mary
Hi all,
Tough news about our little baby! But CHIN UP! Remember every little unmitigated disaster is really a NEW OPPORTUNITY!
So let’s PUSH THE POSITIVES and make this humiliating, buttock-clenching catastrophe into a story of a CARING government that LISTENS. In dealing with this, remember the Golden Rule: Everything bad is Fianna Fáil’s fault.
Here are some ideal phrases to memorise when you are asked about the winding down of the SCU:
i) “Micheál Martin and Mary Lou only took aim at the
messenger because they didn’t like the messages!”
ii) “We are winding it down because the fuss over it is
placing the country’s recovery in serious jeopardy!”
iii) “The lessons gleaned from the SCU experiment will prove invaluable towards nurturing openness, transparency and good governance in Ireland for decades to come!”
Yours glowingly,
John
Corky Simon:
Light-weight challenger who competed with a string of career duck eggs behind him. Was desperate to put highly embarrassing display behind him after he was put firmly in his place by stablemate Show Pony Leo in the Twelve Week Mind Changers Chase. As always, was absent when the honours were handed out.
Belfast 4:
Seems to enjoy the mud once let off the reins and managed to prove the doubters wrong when getting up before the judge in the Northern Ireland Shaggers Handicap. Remains hard to fancy despite that victory and likely to remain friendless in the future despite having a few admirers.
Denis the Menacer:
Once feared but now wearisome old plodder with an uncertain future after the stewards were called in to investigate running of… (That’s enough horse play for this year _Ed)
An occasional service to readers offering selected meanings of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy
Concannon is a new culinery marketing favourite based on a traditional Irish
dish of mixed metaphors wit guff, hyperbole, mashed potato and some green
stuff such as kal or cabbage thrown in.
(what about avocado? – Ed)
It is usually cooked-up in a haphazard West of Ireland manner,
known as the “wild Atlantic” way.
However, its claims to be the greatest thing since sliced bread has tended to be taken with a pinch of salt by most consumers to whom it’s been dished out recently,
many of whom claimed it left a bad taste in the mouth.
Sadly for some, the “sell-by” date appears to be alarmingly imminent.
by Our Political Staff Tommie Gormless
BRITISH Prime Minister Theresa May flew into Belfast yesterday to be greeted by crowds of cheering PSNI officers who were on double over-time.
Said Mrs May: “I am delighted to be here and to explain to everyone that Brexit is firmly on track and that the negotiations about cross-border arrangements are progressing exactly as planned.
“Looking forward to a bright future ahead, we can expect UK trade with the EU to gradually grind to a complete standstill. This means that the movement of goods – not to mention people – will no longer be an issue as everything will be going straight to France and Germany.”
During her 25-minute stopover, the Prime Minister visited a remote farm outside Bangor where she was introduced to several small furry animals.
“The PM was particularly keen to come to Northern Ireland at this time,” said the spokesperson, “and to show her continuing support for the ordinary people who really matter most – the DUP.”
