January 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

Double Irish, Dutch Sandwich – Sale Ends Soon!

One of our most popular sellers will be taken off the menu on 31 January, so get it while you can!

– Contains: Bad eggs
– Saving our bacon
– Fishy dealings
– Cheddar saved
– Jammy arrangements

“Better than the s**t sandwich of full corporation tax” – several CEOs

“This sandwich makes me sick” – Emmanuel Macron

As endorsed by Google, Apple, Facebook and Pfizer

CONFUSION AS RTÉ UNVEILS PRESENTER MEMORIAL DESIGNED BY DERMOT BANNON

January 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

LEO VARADKAR
I’m really hoping to work on my fitness – not for political office, obviously – but to benefit my physical health and general well-being. Naturally, I’ll be focusing on improving my strokes in hot water. Meanwhile, my personal poll ratings continue to soar.

ARLENE FOSTER
In this period of change ahead for Northern Ireland, it’s time to act responsibly – and I have no problem at all acting. So expect the odd cúpla focail to divert attention from the forthcoming RHI report. Otherwise, the plan is to steer well clear of alpha males over the coming months – after being bitterly let down by my former friend, Boris… the bastard!

CONOR McGREGOR
It’ll probably just be the standard low-profile routine for me this year – even though I wouldn’t mind raising my profile on social media. But it will be business as usual, including a few more official UFC retirements followed by the inevitable comebacks. Plus the odd quiet pint if I’m visiting Dublin.

MICHEAL MÁRTIN
Confidence and  supply has worked well for us all…

(That’s enough resolutions – Ed.)

January 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

Simon Harris shows off his certificate

Well everyone, we’ve set a new record! I want you to all give yourselves a big pat on the back. If you can’t hoist yourself upright in your hospital bed/trolley, then ask a harried nurse or doctor to do it for you.

When I found out trolley numbers had hit a new record it was honestly one of the proudest moments of my ministerial career, up there alongside the day I single-handedly freed myself after getting my tie caught in the new Dáil printer. High fives all round – unless you happen to be on a waiting list for a prosthetic hand or arm.

My day at Cork University Hospital collecting the certificate (see photo) was a joy, soured only by the sounds of groaning coming from some of those on trolleys nearby. Yikes – some people just crave attention!

A big congrats to everyone. I can’t wait to unveil more exciting HSE plans for 2020, like hurling more money at that children’s hospital. (Honestly, some of those kids must be adults by now! Lol – or not…)

– Simon ‘Records Are Meant To Be Broken’ Harris

January 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

It has been announced that Leinster House will be looking for new tenants from February. The landlord is seeking changes due to a lack of confidence and petty squabbling among the current residents.

But an advert for the property on Daft.ie has garnered criticism for several unsettling stipulations. The proposed lease, which is quoted as “lasting up to five years”, is full of seedy insinuation and sleaze.

It states that prospective tenants must be prepared to “get in bed with the opposition” and “cosy up to some unsavoury characters”, adding that compensation will be arranged on a “quid pro quo” basis. As one observer noted, “Someone always gets screwed.”

We can also reveal that conditions inside the property are reminiscent of tenement Dublin. Some 160 tenants will be crammed into the luxurious quarters. However, a Leinster House insider said, “If they are anything like the current bunch, many of them will spend next to no time there.”

In a blow to the current occupants, it turns out they are unlikely to get their deposit back after significant structural damage was discovered, seemingly from the attempted installation of a printer.

January 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

Met Éireann hopes that things will pass smoothly but is braced for potential damage due to:

• The forecasted return of a heavy shower of eejits
• Foggy thinking
• Hot air being blown at gale-force levels
• Chance of it all ending in floods of tears

Issued: 22:00 Friday 10/01/2020
Valid until: The next minor scandal

January 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

• 8 February – Laser-light show honouring the kidnap of Shergar
• 27 June – Sychronised swimming show (sombre) remembering the burning of the Four Courts
• 3 September – Commemorative belly-dance (tasteful) for the death of Oliver Cromwell. Special guest dancer – Peter Andre
• 9 September – The releasing of 1,000 white doves, commemorating the death of Mao Zedong
• 29 September – A lavish dressage event celebrating the 2008 bank bailout

January 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

by Phil Royal Pages

There was widespread shock and disbelief yesterday when a celebrity married couple announced that they would be stepping down from their current part-time roles in Britain to spend more time on holiday in North America.
Front pages devoted to the catastrophic Australian bushfires and potential war in Iran were immediately cleared to make way for this earth-shattering development.
“They clearly need a long break from the constant pressures of attending charity events and waving from balconies to crowds of people every so often,” said one of the couple’s close friends.
However, there was intense speculation about the couple’s long-term future. “They may well stay abroad for good,” said a leading London news editor. “Or, alternatively, they may not. All we can say for certain is that, as of this crucial moment, they have decided to leave – giving us something new to write about.”

On other pages

• Photos of Harry and Meghan opening leisure centres – p4
• Embarrassing pics of prince in Nazi uniform – p5
• Phwoar! Meghan’s sizzling beachwear tips – p6-9

January 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

Following Glenn Whelan’s claim that he has been “thrown under a bus” by new Hearts manager Daniel Stendel, the SPL club are believed to be interested in signing the vehicle in question.

   “Parking that bus in front of our back four would replicate the effect Glenn had,” said a club insider. “We’ve also been looking at other options to replace Glenn, including Methuselah, who has a similar age profile and a bit more pace about him.”

  Meanwhile, Republic Of Ireland boss Mick McCarthy has said Norwich striker Adam Idah’s recent FA Cup hat-trick should ensure he doesn’t feature in the upcoming Euro play-off against Slovakia. “Scoring goals isn’t something I look for in strikers,” said Big Mick. “If he can go a few games without hitting the net, then he should get a look-in.”

January 16, 2020 Craic & Codology

There has been widespread consternation at the announcement that RTÉ will be cancelling Dancing With The Stars due to the cost of insuring the show having risen some 2,700%.

“Shattered reputations, deflated egos and significant damage to public perception; with so many inherent risks we were left with no choice but to raise the premium,” said a representative of OTT Insurance.

“We had been looking for some place to keep the celebrities while we ran out their contracts. Unfortunately, a nearby crèche that we’d initially identified has also been forced to close,” said one RTÉ insider.

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

Emergency services say there is “absolutely no hope” for a group of men trapped in a disaster zone in north-west Dublin after the roof fell in on them.

The men were understood to be trying to put a house in order while building some new foundations at the premises in Abbotstown.

One witness said that “there was an all-merciful hullaballoo” and they were “buried under a load of brickbats and mortar-fying revelations”.

Surveying the ruin, excavator Shane Ross said, “We need to get them out of there as soon as possible and bury any ideas they have of resurrecting themselves!”

One lucky man, a Mr Foley, left the house just in time, say observers, while authorities say they may yet wish to speak to a Mr Delaney, who is understood to have fled the location a lot earlier carrying a very large suitcase of money.

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

A READING FROM THE BOOK OF JOBS

And at that time a man didst walk amongst the plain people by the name of Dara of Two Places. And many in the land calleth Dara a God, for verily it was said he hath the power to appeareth in two places at the one time.

And it came to pass that Dara didst appeareth to be in his workplace helping people in their great strife, but many scribes sweareth too that he didst take the mule gravy train to the town of Brussels, many miles across the waters, at that same time. And great was the awe amongst the people who didst shaketh their heads in wonder at the miracle of Dara in two places at once. And lo, the Emperor Leo – who too was all over the place – didst smile and sayeth no curse.

But soon the scribes mocketh Dara and sayeth he was a charlatan who useth smoke and mirrors to fool his people that he sitteth at his workplace, while in truth he swanneth far, far away. And great was the gnashing of teeth amongst his people at this. “I hath done no wrong,” pleadeth Dara, but the people curseth aloud and shaketh their fists – or at least blessed Meehole of Martin did – and Dara runneth away to keepeth his head down and be forgotten forever. And the emperor smileth again. Amen.

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

0: Level of credibility left
No.1: Who the FAI top brass looked out for
3: Sponsor that bolted
9: Cloud number John Delaney is on
22: The catch that the FAI finds itself in
90: Amount of craic the blazers have had over the years
2534: Year the association’s debts will be cleared
7,489: Times the FAI have turned over a new leaf

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

Farmers have vowed to bring their protests against the “murder of rural Ireland” to a new level of threat. Until beef prices increase, they will “refuse to pull into the side no matter how many cars are behind the tractor”.

Every year dozens of drivers emerge after being stuck for weeks behind tractors and high loaders.

The move is certain to see thousands of motorists travelling at 25kph and unable to overtake for days on end as farmers, some pulling trailers with sheepdogs running alongside, hog the middle of the road.

“There will be no more hugging the hedges or pulling in tight at the top of the junction by the old water pump,” warned one raging beef supplier. “I’d advise every driver to bring a flask of tay, a tray of sandwiches and a pair of pyjamas.”

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

To commemorate the recently successful vote of confidence in his work, Minister Eoghan Murphy is delighted to release this celebratory CD of his favourite festive numbers (though not including 10,417 and rising) as he refuses to change his tune.

• Happy Christmas (Voting’s Over)
• Fairytale of New Houses
• Rudolph the Red-Faced Minister
• I’ll be Home(less) for Christmas
• Merry Crisis Everyone
• It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Useless

Available online at www.hohohomeless.ie or at most hotels and hostels. Cost: €150m a year.

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

While Dublin City Council’s proposed €22m white water rafting project has attracted its fair share of criticism, it has now attracted support from within the legal fraternity.

Phil McCoffers of Whip, Lash and Leggit described the plan as a “golden opportunity” for Dubliners. The personal injuries expert noted that “schemes that guarantee a good day out for everyone are to be welcomed. The city council is doing us all a big favour by providing easy access to such a challenging activity and it will surely prove lucrative for all concerned.”

white water waffle

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

BORIS JOHNSON WIG

Frighten the life out of your loved ones this Christmas with the Boris Johnson wig. Simply place the lightweight floppy blond wig on your head and everyone will believe you are the Tory Party leader. Before you know it, you’ll be doing your Churchill impression and insulting single mothers and Johnny Foreigner in a posh accent. Feel free to start chasing the nearest available top-notch totty. Lie through your true-blue teeth about not selling off the health service.

Price: €1.99 (Glue extra). Colours include old Etonian yellow, golden shower

POP-UP INFLATABLE PRINTER

Calling all TDs and senators! Are you fed up looking for a Leinster House printer when you need one? From now on, there’s no need to waste time or money knocking down stubborn walls to fit this revolution in portable print technology. Prints 1,000,000 personalised Christmas cards per minute. Churns out 1,000,000 full-colour wall calendars per hour.

Price: Only €1.8 million. Pack of six ink cartridges: €355,000 (not included). Storage fee: €2,000 per week

ROYAL CALENDAR
HURRY! HURRY! HURRY! WHILE STOCKS LAST!

Count down the final days of the monarchy with this tasteful calendar. Pictures of all your favourite Royal scandals and disasters including:

• Prince Charles talking to organic pot-plant
• Car crash involving 98-year-old Duke of Edinburgh
• TV car crash interview involving Randy ‘Air Miles’ Andy
• Princess Markle of Sparkle suing tabloids
• Queen not being amused

Price: £67 million per year

THE HEALY-RAE FLAT CAP

Be first in line every time at YOUR CHIPVAN in YOUR TOWN with this authentic Healy-Rae ‘caipín’ that is recognised and respected the world over. Watch the queue disperse as you and your brother motion the throng to part, allowing you first run on chicken suppers, fish cakes and battered sausages — OR ELSE!

Price: €100 (not counting bail)

THE ANTI-MCGREGOR SHIELD

Few things are more discomforting when having a quiet beer than the prospect of getting a belt across the head from Ireland’s premier MMA fighter. Banish those fears forever with this instantly activated shield. Simply secure the folded device on the counter. When the belligerent fighter takes aim at your head, press the green button and your entire upper torso is instantly covered by a cone of impenetrable aluminium. Even laugh in safety as the bearded warrior smashes his knuckles to shreds, forcing the cancellation of his next lucrative demolishment by a Russian madman.

Price: €1,000 plus compensation

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

Seasoned heads at FAI headquarters are reportedly “growing increasingly fearful and suspicious” as new interim Chief Beard Stubble Paul Cooke sets about re-organising and rejuvenating the beleaguered association’s bookkeeping regime.

“I don’t like the look of this one little bit”, said long-time director Ben Hereforever. “He’s after throwing out all the pencils and erasers that John brought in and gave us these new-fangled ‘biros’, which makes it really messy if you need to change a number during the annual adding up day. He’s moving dangerously quick.”

Fellow director Jerry Atric concurs. “I helped keep this organisation going through two world wars and I’ve never see such destruction! He’s even dumped every bottle of Tippex, double checks his maths and I hear he turned on that computer thing yesterday! No good will come of it. It’s crazy stuff! Can you donate me a fiver?”

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

Following the recent Twitter storm over BBC DJ Alex Dyke’s refusal to play Fairytale of New York on BBC Radio, after calling it a “nasty, nasty song”, Ian O’Doherty has just rewritten the lyrics to make them more acceptable to the hysterical PC (politically correct) thought police. 

It was Christmas Eve, dear.
Thought I’d wear my blue tank top,
But you turned and said to me,
“Why not wear the red one.”
And then I sang a song,
And you joined in bang on cue.
I turned my face to you
And then we sang as two.

(Me)
You’re a babe, you’re a beauty
I wouldn’t be doing my duty
If I didn’t get the groceries and put out the bins

(You)
You’re my stud, you’re my hero
You drink Heineken Zero
Every time you drive to Foxrock to pick up the twins

(Together)
The boys (and girls!) from the local PC choir
were shouting ‘hip hooray’
And the bells were ringing out on Christmas Day. 
But not too loudly…
Don’t want to wake the neighbours…
This is a quiet estate…

(Fade)

December 12, 2019 Craic & Codology

Key Points:

• Team experienced difficulty adjusting to local customs (hardwork, modesty, organisation, etc)
• Language barrier prevented local media from communicating with Joe Schmidt and Rory Best
• Time difference played havoc with preparations as Irish side still thought it was 2018
• IRFU blazers refused to renounce their divinity

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Serious questions have been raised about Blueshirt Inc chief executive Elon Varadkar’s future at the helm of the company after an embarrassing gaffe at the launch of one of his brand new, hi-tech candidates. After criticising his rivals for their faulty products, Varadkar was left red-faced when a public demonstration went badly awry.

For weeks, Blueshirt Inc had boasted of its modern, reinforced, bulletproof candidate line, which was supposed to withstand all manner of pressure and stress. But, much to Varadkar’s embarrassment, the candidate proved to be completely cracked.

In front of the assembled journalists and members of the public, one simple stress test was enough to shatter it into a million pieces and, with it, much of Varadkar’s credibility. It comes hot on the heels of a separate PR disaster for Blueshirt Inc, when its Bailey candidate line turned out to be similarly accident-prone.

Almost overnight, Blueshirt Inc’s share prices tumbled by 2% and Varadkar’s personal wealth looks likely to plummet as well after he admitted that his company had no formal process for vetting its products.

It’s the latest in a long line of public embarrassments for the publicity-hungry, novelty sock-wearing CEO, who has developed a reputation for eccentric public behaviour.

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Number of people happy with the deal: 2 (maybe)

Number of people who fully understand it: 0

Rise in Eoghan Murphy’s blood pressure: Through the roof

Affordability of ‘affordable homes’: One national lottery win away

Number of photos of some grinning minister cutting the ribbon after it’s all eventually sorted: 1,954,003

Profit for Richard Barrett and Bartra: Let’s just say they’ll start with the lobster frittata and a shovel of saffron on the side for the coming month, my good man.

I’M A ROYAL CELEBRITY GET ME OUT OF HERE

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Britain’s PM tells it like it isn’t

Wed: Gosh! It’s election time and yours truly has hit the ground with all guns flying.
Bojo is currently out and about on London’s backstreets meeting the ordinary decent voters in
Belgravia and Knightsbridge. Even the proles can’t get enough of me. Not surprising, really, seeing as the greatest Tory leader since Churchill is streaking ahead in the polls after completely crushing Comrade Corbyn in the big TV debate.

Thur: Woops! And just to clarify one very important issue… When we rebranded our official Tory party account to make it look like a fact-checking service to deceive the viewers, our actual intention was certainly not to mislead or deceive the voting public whatsoever. Ergo, any slight misunderstanding that may have arisen is entirely the fault of the discredited left-wing media.

Fri: Yikes! Everyone agrees that a Labour shower would bring absolute chaos. Corbyn is sure to demand the Queen’s immediate abdication. His old chum Grizzly Adams would then be put in full charge of Defence. Ghastly thought.

Sat: Cripes! Meantime, there is absolutely nothing to fear from Brexit per se. Take Bozza’s advice and stock up with lots of extra hampers from Harrods. Give the servants an afternoon off in case they’re not fit to work as they should. Anyone who is unexpectedly short of cash should ask the bank chaps for a top-up overdraft facility. See? Only a proper Conservative government will bring wall-to-wall prosperity. Pip-pip!

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Traveller 
Favourite song: Caravan, Van Morrison 
Favourite TV show: Big Fat Gypsy Weddings 
Favourite nuts: Brazilian 
Favourite food: Window dressing 
Favourite star: Red Dwarf 
Favourite exercise: Backtracking 
Favourite body part: Cloth ears 
Favourite politician: Haughty 

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Key points of the Fianna Fáil/SDLP election manifesto:

• Mary Lou McDonald is a bit much, isn’t she?
• Lorraine Clifford-Lee to be hidden in the House of Lords 
• Timmy Dooley to be sent to the Falklands (one-way)
• Absolutely no references to Claire Hanna’s antipathy to Fianna Fáil
• Micheál Martin to stop saying Londonderry 
• Cringeworthy joint canvas session for the media 
• No awkward questions about Sorcha McAnespy

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Fine Gael by-election candidate Verona Murphy has called for the “immediate closure” of every crèche in Ireland amidst fears of “a jihadi uprising” by three to five year olds.

“I am reliably informed that tens of thousands of these kids have been radicalised by Islamic extremists and are primed, even as I speak, to unleash vicious attacks on their classmates and teachers alike,” says the Wexford road haulage administrator.

In her alarming testimony, Ms Murphy claims to have witnessed children barely three years old already displaying sinister intent. “I’ve seen them sharpen pencils into lethal weapons,” she insists, “and handle plasticine like it was gelignite! I’ve even witnessed a four year old strut across to a Lego house and kick it to pieces like it was the Dáil itself! I fear time is scarce. Elect me now or else!”

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Dee Forbes
RTÉ’s head honcho will have to walk barefoot through a field of buffalo-dunged nettles while chewing on the larvae of dead cockroaches to remove the envelope bearing notice of a €2 licence fee increase from the maggot-festering intestines of a dead badger. Sickening humiliation.

Danny Healy-Rae
The Kilgarvan campaigner will consume 14 pints of dark red porter brewed with squashed foetuses from jaundiced goats drowned in slurry. He then must leave the car and walk three miles home in the merciless moonlight while sucking on a dead cat soaked in Dublin diesel.

Lisa Smith
After at last being allowed back into the jungle, the controversial mother of one must prove her true credentials by eating hundreds of packets of Tayto soaked in the urine of anti-immigrant politicians, as overcooked coddle is fed through her ears by a Comhaltas fiddler. Truly primitive.

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Beatific pre-festive greetings from Rome. Yes, Francis here in complete humility. As the leader of 1.3 billion faithful, I love to keep in contact with my Irish flock who are always in my infallible thoughts.

What a joy to hear from my very good friend Mr Quinn, Ireland’s greatest living Catholic, who has been writing to my secretary, various cardinals and even the papal nuncio himself. Seán is so saddened that some misguided cleric has cast hurtful aspersions against him. What a cruel nightmare of dreams, eh?

Surely it is time to draw a line under the sand and let this elderly gentleman live out the rest of his days quietly in the company of his family and vast wealth.

Meantime, what on earth is wrong with Madam McAleese? Why oh why is she so obsessed with the Vatican and John-Paul, my saintly predecessor? Mary objects to baptism, the homosexual ban and priestly celibacy. She even accuses the church of misogyny… How stupid is that?

Why can she not be more like Mrs Foster? Arlene and those DUP are model Christians who support the abortion ban and hate the gayness and scientists. Thankfully, Ireland’s Catholics can now look forward to a constructive post-Brexit relationship with these creationist homophobes.

But I have to rush. Christmas is such a busy time for his charismatic “Jolliness” – as fans refer to me. So many wonderful religious duties – especially meeting TV crews and journalists. Ciao!

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

Lot 13: Marty Morrissey, Ray D’Arcy, Marian Finucane

This three-piece collector’s item has long lingered within the Montrose storehouse and is of genuine antique value, dating from the test-card era.

History of tender handling and comes to market due to high maintenance costs, fading veneer and attracting cobwebs. Original cotton wool included, but needs considerable polishing up.

Limited flexibility for usage, but may serve jointly or individually as clothes horse, children’s climbing frame, scarecrow, door stop etc. Asking price €50.

Warning: May cause drowsiness and even sleep. Do not listen to while driving.

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

My little Leo

From the Inaction Man series, this current Taoiseach model could prove a surprise hit. The lightweight figure is fully adaptable with shifting eyes and a lovable two-phrase vocabulary. Use the pull-string to hear Leo say: “I want to take full responsibility” and “You can really trust me”. Already been on the shelves for the past 10 years.

Go Green

Aimed at young Irish Times readers and their parents, this colourful eco-compliant playset consists of a biodegradable Greta Thunberg doll and her very best friends (the Green family), who all live together in a fully sustainable community with composting facilities on-site. Comes with optional SUV made entirely of recyclable bees (€49,999).

Haven’t A Cluedo

No Christmas would be complete without this political whodunnit board game. Clueless suspects include Mr Harris hiding under the hospital trolley and Lord Ross taking selfies in his electric car. Hours of fun guaranteed, with Colonel Vlad cowering in the dark to avoid any association with the crimes of Miss Scarlet (disguised as Verona Murphy).

November 28, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Dee Sgustin

In another sensational interview this week, Prince Andrew has defended his spending time with the royal family for years, despite public concern about their behaviour.
The prince says he understands alarm among British tax payers over the number of children the family has been having, but says his loyalty “brought considerable benefits” as he strived to find something to do.

“They do an amazing bangers & mash with spotted dick and a pot of tea with two slices for a tenner, only three stops away on the tube,” he explained. “That’s also where I was the night Diana died by the way, in case you think I was driving a white Fiat Uno in Paris at the time.”

However, the public is sceptical of the prince’s story. “No way would get that kind of nosh for just a tenner,” said one cynic. “The bloke was definitely indulging in unsavoury behaviour – such as jetting around the world, lounging on tropical islands and stuffing his face with oysters below deck – at everyone else’s expense! What a pillock!”