Category: Craic & Codology

POOTS HERALDS ‘A BRIGHT NEW FUTURE, THAT LOOKS JUST LIKE THE PAST’

Edwin Poots

Following Arlene Foster’s official resignation as first minister, Edwin Poots has appeared unfazed by the possibility of a snap election. “When I took over the DUP I promised a return to our glorious past,” said Poots. “I am proud to uphold the DUP’s position in Northern Irish politics, whatever that might conceivably mean in the... Read more »

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2021 LEAVING CERT QUESTIONS

exam

MATHS By approximately how many combined points will the Dublin football team win their games in this year’s Leinster championship? ASTROPHYSICS What planet is Stephen Donnelly on? CHEMISTRY Explain why, when you combine equal parts Micheál Martin, Leo Varadkar, and Eamon Ryan, the resultant mixture is completely inert. GEOGRAPHY In what parts of the country... Read more »

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PAUL GIVAN: ‘BREATH OF FRESH AIR’

Paul Givan

DUP supporters have hailed Paul Givan’s appointment as first minister of Northern Ireland as a political game changer. “Paul is a colourful breath of fresh air,” said one party insider. “He has a navy suit, grey hair and a red face – his name is synonymous with new-style traditional loyalist values.” Mr Givan denied that... Read more »

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IRELAND’S OLYMPIC HOPEFULS UPDATE

Olympic rings

EVENT IRISH HOPEFUL Rowing without a Paddle: Micheál Martin Going downhill fast Relay: Labour Party Marathon Whinging: Mick O’Leary Wrestling with the Job: Stephen Donnelly Shooting Mouth Off: Roy Keane Diving In: Team Garda Síochána Couples Finger-Pointing: Eoghan Harris & Barbara J Pym Sailing Close to the Wind: Sinn Féin pollsters Verbal Gymnastics: Sinéad O’Connor

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MEGHAN LAUNCHES NEW CHILDREN’S BOOK

Meghan Markle

It’s taken the world of children’s literature by storm. Meghan Markle’s new colouring book is “such a beautiful story of wellbeing,” said Oprah Winfrey. The heartbreaking fairytale tells the story of a hapless prince who falls for a beautiful young actress. They elope, prepared to sacrifice everything for the money they love. Prince Harry said:... Read more »

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O’BRIEN DISMISSES MICA CONCERNS

Darragh O'Brien

Fianna Fáil’s Darragh O’Brien has angrily rejected comparisons between himself and mica building products. Mica affected materials are known to crack easily, crumble under pressure and cause terrible damage to housing. O’Brien claimed the similarities were just a coincidence. “People say mica blocks are utterly useless, achieve absolutely nothing and are a complete waste of... Read more »

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KELLY BLASTS POLLING CONTROVERSY

Alan Kelly

Labour leader Alan Kelly has called for a complete ban on opinion polls following revelations that several political parties sent activists and volunteers out to pose as independent pollsters in order to gauge public opinion. Deputy Kelly said of the controversy: “This marks a terrible breach of public confidence and erodes faith in our democracy.... Read more »

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MONUMENTAL COLLAPSE FEARED

DUP

Fears continued to grow in Northern Ireland last night that an increasingly unstable looking structure may collapse at any minute. The DUP was constructed in 1971 and has survived fire, brimstone and all sorts of showers over the years. However, locals say a series of recent internal modifications have caused a shift that has left... Read more »

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

StD 3912

Sausages Sammy Wilson Thin-skin Thin-skinned Can be made into a meal Always making a meal of it Ideal with toast Made sure Arlene Foster was toast Goes well with sauerkraut Always sour Tangled up into bunches Tangled up over protocol Usually needs no dressing Known to avoid dressing on occasion Greasy Oily

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TAOISEACH TO REACH ONE MILLION MEDIA APPEARANCES

Michael Martin

Micheál Martin has confirmed he is on target to reach his goal of one million media appearances by the end of July. Embarking on yet another PR offensive yesterday, he again argued he was a political visionary and pointed to the “globally unparalleled” success of the taoiseach rollout, while saying that issues surrounding the housing... Read more »

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NEW POSING CRISIS

Posing Crisis

Following on from the news that party volunteers have posed as pollsters, it has now been revealed that brass-necked chancers are posing as TDs. At election time, the imposters attempt to pass themselves off as political visionaries, while those who make it into office routinely pretend they are doing ferocious amounts of back-breaking work. “The... Read more »

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NORTHERN IRELAND’S BANNED MEATS

Arlene Foster

Goldhawk takes a look at some of the chilled products which could be banned from entering the north: Arlene’s Chopped Liver Consumers claimed it was overrated to begin with and left a terrible taste in one’s mouth, and was binned by its owners after they believed it past its expiration date. Micheál’s Mince Meat Bland... Read more »

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BIDEN’S HISTORIC, UNPRECEDENTED NI INTERVENTION IN FULL

Joe Biden

Mention Mayo roots Say something about respecting the Good Friday Agreement Mention Mayo roots again Smile for photo op with Micheál Er… …That’s it

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EURO 2020 DANGER MEN

Dominic Cummings

Dominic Cummings – England Cheeky little right-winger known for his blistering attacks and ability to wind up his rivals. Hates anything to do with Europe and much prefers playing up to his base. However, his faulty vision is a real weakness. Alexander Lukashenko – Belarus Veteran hardman who strikes fear into the opposition and makes... Read more »

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PUBLIC SHOCK AT CUMMINGS’ CLAIMS

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British voters have continued to react angrily to the shocking allegations of widespread chaos within Boris Johnson’s government, following claims of incompetence by Dominic Cummings. “Tell us something we don’t already know,” yawned one lifelong Tory supporter last night. “The only thing that’s shocking is that anybody is surprised to hear that Johnson has always... Read more »

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LUKASHENKO ‘MUST BE PUNISHED’, SAYS EU

Lukashenko

President of the European Commission Ursula von der Leyen has demanded harsh sanctions against Belarusian president Alexander Lukashenko. “Several arduous years of dealing with Boris Johnson have given us plenty of experience in dealing with so-called hard-men, so we’re not afraid of his grandstanding,” said President von der Leyen. “We will impose sanctions on Mr... Read more »

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PATIENT FILES – LEAKED!

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Leo Varadkar Conservative male with a severely inflated ego. Has suffered with chronic smugness most of his life and has never sought treatment for it. Stephen Donnelly Afflicted with a complicated dermatological disorder known as ‘thin skin’. Combined with his thick neck, this can cause delusions of competence. Worrying obsession with social media. Arlene Foster... Read more »

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‘WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING?’ ASKS COUNCIL

crowds

Dublin City Council has expressed its disbelief at the numbers of people who gathered in the streets of the capital over the weekend. “I don’t think anybody in the world could have foreseen that a combination of warm weather, the availability of alcohol, and the easing of restrictions could have led to people actually meeting... Read more »

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JOY AS CROWDS RETURN

All Ireland

There has been a positive reaction to news that crowds will be able to attend this year’s All Ireland football final, meaning that fans will be able to watch Mayo lose again to Dublin. “It’s truly brilliant news,” enthused a GAA spokesman. “I’m sure there will be an absolutely electric atmosphere, as we gather to... Read more »

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LAW SOCIETY SLAMS DONNELLY

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by Our Legal Affairs Correspondent Phil Boots Health Minister Stephen Donnelly has again been criticised for suggesting lawyers will be “licking their lips” at the prospect of a HSE cyber attack lawsuit. “This is an affront to the 12,000 solicitors who work tirelessly to serve their clients,” said a Law Society spokesperson. “To say that... Read more »

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BOB DYLAN PAYS TRIBUTE TO PRESIDENTIAL LEGEND MICHAEL D HIGGINS

Bob Dylan

As one distinguished octogenarian superstar to another, we have so much in common: our celebrity status, wild iconic hair, and shared artistic genius immersed in selfless dedication to the free people of the world. You and I are ensconced in the pantheon of colossal literary voices – rubbing poetic shoulders with Wordsworth and Shelley. Like... Read more »

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EUROVISION OUTRAGE

EuroVision 2021

by Our Outrage Staff Phil Pages A Twitterstorm erupted as angry Eurovision fans expressed their disappointment about Ireland’s failure to qualify for the competition final in Rotterdam. Hundreds of irate music lovers protested that singer Lesley Roy had been horribly discriminated against by the competition judges. “Why-oh-why was Lesley picked on,” said one typical tweet.... Read more »

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SEVERAL BATHING AREAS DENIED BLUE FLAGS

Blue Flag Beach

Cape Vlad Various kinds of material found floating to the surface are believed to result from undetected leakages that run very deep and which threaten to eradicate every fishy creature in the place. Baile Micheál The shifting sands beneath this once popular destination have rendered it a mainly ignored backwater where even the once-renowned friendly... Read more »

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KENNY TO SHORE UP DEFENCE

Stephen Kenny

Republic of Ireland boss Stephen Kenny says he will be placing “extra emphasis” on defending for the upcoming friendly games against Andorra and Hungary. “Defending has definitely been a big problem for us”, concedes the under-fire boss, “I’ve been getting absolutely battered in the media for our dire results, and I really need to focus... Read more »

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CINEMA REOPENING LATEST

cinema

Special classic screenings to check out… I Know What You Did Last Summer (introduction by Phil Hogan) Jaws (post-screening Q&A with Boris Johnson and Dominic Cummings) Panic Room (Fianna Fáil pollsters edition) Road To Perdition (Green party cut) Fight Club (panel discussion with GAA footballers)

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‘I AM MAN OF THE PEOPLE’, INSISTS GEOGHEGAN

James Geoghegan

Fine Gael byelection candidate James Geoghegan has been stressing his everyman credentials, saying characterisations of him as a posh boy are totally wide of the mark. “I’m just an ordinary barrister living in a €730,000 house,” said Geoghegan. “People don’t know what’s it’s like to make your way on the mean streets of southside Dublin... Read more »

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SPOT THE DIFFERENCE

StD-3911

Alexander Lukashenko Michael O’Leary Clinging to power Clinging to power Accused of harassing opposition Accused of harassing passengers Diverted an aeroplane Always diverting aeroplanes Hostile to negative media coverage Hostile to negative media coverage Losing public support Ryanair losing millions

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CRAMPED CONDITIONS EXPECTED AT NEW GARDA HQ

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• GSOC investigator in a tight corner • Lengthy queues for the toilet • Raffle for who gets to use the desk • Chief inspector being administered oxygen • Whistleblowers barely able to raise whistle to their lips • Canteen only able to serve small portions • Commissioner breathing down everybody’s necks

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CYBER ATTACKS KEEP HSE ON ITS KNEES

Stephen Donnelly

A recent spate of cyber attacks across the HSE and Department of Health have left insiders shocked. “The HSE has long prided itself on running IT systems that are completely impenetrable, even to our users,” said one insider. “Years of chronic under-investment have left our computer networks so antiquated that we just presumed it would... Read more »

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POOTS REASSURES THE WORLD

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By Grace O’Godd In his first full press conference since taking office, new DUP leader Edwin Poots has moved to reassure the people of Northern Ireland that he is a progressive and enlightened leader. “The heathens sayeth that I shall lead my people to the foot of the mountain and there they shall perish in... Read more »

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ANTIGEN TESTS

Covid test

After the success of our Covid-19 home testing kits, Lidl Ireland is delighted to bring the following products to the market: Kate O’Connell Water-Tester This device will help you test the waters to see whether you’ll sink or swim. N.B. Provides no indication as to whether you’ll be cast adrift. Cuckoo’s Nest Has a tendency... Read more »

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NURSERY RHYMES FOR OUR TIMES

Michael O'Leary

Michael had some aeroplanes But had no place to go For every time he asked to fly NPHET told him NO! He stomped his feet in anger He warned of doom and gloom Oh how the people laughed to see Mick begging for leg room!

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‘MY HOUSE HUNT HELL’

sale agreed signs

by Our Property Staff Amid the current glut of grim warnings that house prices could treble by the end of this year, my editor suggested that I should consider writing a personal account direct from the housing crisis frontline. “A hard-hitting piece giving the human angle on what it means to be a housing victim... Read more »

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MARTIN-JOHNSON SUMMIT OUTCOME

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Governments to jointly select a can that will be launched down the road Further meeting next month to discuss possible summit to arrange next meeting Micheál and Boris jointly committed to maximising photo-ops Discuss nitty-gritty of NI protocol some other time More mealy-mouthed stuff about border poll from Micheál Boris to continue redecorating flat (That’s... Read more »

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SIX NATIONS LATEST

GUINNESS SIX NATIONS

A deal between RTÉ and Virgin will allow Ireland’s 2022 Six Nations campaign to remain free-to-air, meaning fans around the country will be able to enjoy the team’s routing of Italy, as well as the inevitable spectacular implosion against one or all of England, Scotland and Wales. RTÉ’s Dee Forbes welcomed the latest addition to... Read more »

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NEW CHEESE PLANT OUTRAGE

cheese

The government has reacted angrily to An Taisce’s objection to a Kildare Street cheese plant, which has been milking taxpayers on an industrial scale for decades. The plant specialises in a process known as “creaming it”, even as voters’ hopes curdle. “TDs are known for their cheesy smiles, but the whole place stinks,” said a... Read more »

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