Category: Craic & Codology

COVENEY’S PHONE ‘USED FOR WORK’ SHOCK

BoI phone

By Fionnan Spleen Foreign affairs minister Simon Coveney has been plunged into a fresh crisis, after shocking revelations emerged that his phone has been used for work. This marks a major departure from normal protocol, whereby the phone is used by hackers to send spam to EU ministers, or else by Coveney himself to gossip... Read more »

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KEY POINTS OF THE HOUSING FOR ALL PLAN:

housing

Engineers to investigate why walls keep closing in on Coveney and Varadkar Plasterers to help Greens with their chronic flakiness Ministers to stop leading everybody up the garden path about housing figures Darragh O’Brien to resume papering over the cracks Homelessness to keep going through the roof Government to try and stop its popularity sinking

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TDS EXPRESS ‘REOPENING’ CONCERNS

Dail Eireann

Government TDs have voiced their concern at the rapid reopening of workplaces as pandemic restrictions start to lift. It’s believed some of them were even hoping to avoid returning to Leinster House until late October at the very least. One deputy who wished to remain anonymous said she was simply dreading heading back to the... Read more »

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RTÉ RETAINS OLD FAVOURITES IN NEW AUTUMN SCHEDULE

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Reeling in the Jeers A nostalgic look back on RTÉ’s contribution to home-grown comedy with soundtrack by Mozart’s Requiem The Late, Late Snore Once again presenter Ryan Tubridy revitalises the nation with his trusted format panel of guests guaranteed to ensure an enhancing night’s sleep. What Planet Are You On? Documentary on TV licence fee... Read more »

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ONLYFANS U-TURN

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Following their U-turn on explicit content, Goldhawk takes a look at some popular OnlyFans accounts: Micheál Martin Micheál exposes his massive shortcomings on a daily basis to his dwindling collection of admirers. He claims to be in rude health but always appears weak and flakey. Matt Cooper Recently announced he was leaving his TV platform... Read more »

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THAT DERRY/LONDONDERRY ROW

Naomi Long

Following the outcry after Tourism Ireland used the name ‘Londonderry’ on social media, politicians in the north have been suggesting solutions to the long-running dispute. Alliance leader Naomi Vague has called for a tastefully designed 26-metre concrete wall dividing the city into two brand new urban areas: “Dublinderry and Londonderry will allow everyone to put... Read more »

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COCAINE ARTICLES ‘NOW EVERYWHERE’

cocaine

A shock new undercover investigation has revealed that newspaper editors and hacks have a chronic addiction to cocaine fillers. They are said to get a ‘buzz’ from chopping out line after line of hysterical nonsense, even as their reports are met with snorts of derision around the country. “I started doing coke features around a... Read more »

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NEW COVENEY VARIANT ‘OF GREAT CONCERN’

Virus

Concerns are continuing to grow across Ireland today after a new variant of the scourge that has depressed the country for so long was identified. The new strain of Coveney-19, codenamed ‘Deleta’ is understood to have been discovered after a government minister was in contact with a woman who arrived here from New York. It... Read more »

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SECURITY COUNCIL AGENDA

UN security council

The government has unveiled its agenda for the September session of the UN Security Council: Security: Protecting Leo’s back at all costs following the leaking scandal Intelligence: Teach Simon Coveney how to use a phone International Atrocities: Try to stop the Irish football team under Stephen Kenny being the subject of cruel and unusual treatment... Read more »

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SALLY ROONEY’S DARING NEW NOVEL

Sally Rooney

Following the success of her first two books, Sally Rooney has taken the publishing world by storm with her latest bestseller, Beautiful Writer – Who Am I? No wonder it’s being called the literary phenomenon of the century. The Irish author’s earlier fiction caused a sensation – largely because of the combination of saucy sex... Read more »

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THAT FIANNA FÁIL THINK-IN TRIUMPH

Jack Chambers

Fianna Fáil’s parliamentary party think-in has been hailed as a “resounding success” by party members nationwide. “Everything was done in compliance with Covid protocols,” said chief whip Jack Chambers, “with particular focus on the present leader’s deteriorating political health. “Unfortunately, we had so many wishing to speak that there wasn’t enough space for Barry Cowen... Read more »

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ZAPPONE’S NEW TALIBAN ENVOY ROLE

Katherine Zappone

THE DEPARTMENT of Foreign Affairs has confirmed Katherine Zappone’s latest appointment as Ireland’s special envoy on freedom of expression in Afghanistan. In a statement issued to media outlets, the former Minister for Children said that she was deeply honoured to have been appointed to this vitally important role. “Thanks to my vast experience as a... Read more »

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OBAMA BIRTHDAY PRESENTS

Obama Barack

Goldhawk got an exclusive sneak peek at some of the former president’s birthday presents: Pentagon approved drone Exclusive access to Guantanamo Bay resort Shattered rust belt H Lucrative speaking tour Tin ear H Tarnished legacy

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GOVT SETS DATE FOR RE-OPENING OF ENTERTAINMENT

Dail Eireann

The Government has confirmed that live entertainment will resume on September 15th. Top of the bill will be a full cast production of ‘The Dail Sessions’ an eclectic mix of humour, bawdy language, scandal, incompetence and widespread scandal. The leading players have all committed to participating again although there is some doubt that leading man... Read more »

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INCENTIVES FOR EMPTY NESTERS

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THE GOVERNMENT plans to encourage older people to move into smaller ‘right-size’ houses when their children move out of the family home. Housing minister Darragh O’Brien yesterday expressed his exasperation over the current situation. “Selfish home-owners clearly show no concern whatsoever for the plight of others in genuine need,” said Mr O’Brien. “These parasitic individuals... Read more »

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THOSE NEW TALIBAN MINISTERS

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Abdullah Ondekhazi The former second hand camel flogger (Surely salesman? – Ed) turned tourism minister has vowed to rejuvenate the day tripper market with open air stoning and beheading spectacles on Fridays and Saturdays, starting in October on a trial basis. Mullah Dees-Em-Bowlem Given the sports portfolio, the 60-times married father of 355 has promised... Read more »

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TALIBAN BAN

Taliban Cancelled

IN THE light of recent events in Afghanistan, various activist groups and NGOs have called for the Taliban to be cancelled forthwith. According to Key Bored of the Activists of Ireland Association, “It is simply unacceptable in the 21st century that a group of fairly pale, male and stale men should feel that they have... Read more »

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APOLOGY – THE DUBLIN FOOTBALL TEAM

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In common with all other newspapers, we may in recent times have given the impression that the Dublin football team were a group of invincible supermen destined to remain unbeaten for the next 50 years. Headlines such as “SUPER-DUBS ARE UNBEATABLE”, “DESSIE’S DREAM TEAM WILL WIN 60 IN A ROW” and “DUBS WILL WALK ALL... Read more »

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COULD HEALY-RAE CAPS MELT AWAY?

Healy Rae Caps

Fears are growing in south Kerry that the county’s Healy-Rae caps could soon disappear forever due to climate alterations. The threat to the once cool caps comes after apparent gatherings of large groups of people generated immensely hot debate in recent weeks. “That was damaging enough but then showers of people started raining heavy insults... Read more »

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CONCERN OVER FLEEING WOMEN

Fleeing Women

By Kay Bul TEMPORARY TAOISEACH Micheál Martin has reassured Taliban leaders that any Afghan women who flee to Ireland will be regarded fairly and given equal opportunities as men. The move comes as Taliban chiefs expressed their “deep concern” about State treatment of women in Ireland. Says worried Taliban cleric Musthaffa Shyte, “God knows, mná... Read more »

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CATHERINE MARTIN’S MUSIC TERMS

Catherine Martin

As culture minister I am often asked to explain complicated terms about the music industry. Here is my easy to understand guide about the issue. Prima donna Someone who loves the sound of their own voice and never listens to anyone. Eamon Ryan is a wonderful example of a prima donna. Soloist Impressive woman who... Read more »

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BEST EVER LEAVING CERT RESULTS

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99.87% of candidates who sat this year’s Leaving Cert have achieved the highest results ever recorded, according to State Examinations Commission figures. Ministers immediately congratulated the class of 2021, insisting that Irish students had clearly become much more intelligent during lockdown. Celebrating last night, one excited 18-year-old said: “So, I got like 13 H1 grade... Read more »

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AFGHANI INTERVENTIONS

Micheál Martin

Micheál Martin How could anyone respect a lame duck leader who couldn’t inspire an ounce of courage among his disgruntled foot soldiers? His weak, ineffective and arrogant government never enjoyed public support either. Dessie Farrell Things looked pretty good for so long but then everything fell apart in a matter of minutes. The Afghan security... Read more »

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WALLY FEARFUL FOR MALCOLM NOONAN

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Wally The Walrus has urged members of the public to keep their distance from Malcolm Noonan. The junior heritage minister was recently spotted lounging around Dáil Éireann, while the annual summer Dáil exodus has led to coalition TDs being spotted at numerous European sunspots. “The public need to have some cop on,” said Wally. “While... Read more »

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WHY WE’RE ALL ALREADY DOOMED, DOOMED I SAY!

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By Annie Hack WE NOW know for certain that humankind has entered the last chance saloon. What is coming down the tracks will make Covid-19 feel like a harmless dose of hiccups. (Great start! – Ed). The Intergovernmental Panic on Climate Change report makes it crystal clear that every man, woman and child who crawls... Read more »

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NURSERY RHYMES FOR OUR TIMES

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Busy Owen Keegan ran through the town, Counting every tent, with a heavy frown, Knocking all the soup runs, he said, They should have been, “Asleep in bed in hostels – where they’re never seen”

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POLITICAL CLIMATE BEING ‘IRREPARABLY DAMAGED’, WARN EXPERTS

Climate fumes

Climate scientists have warned of devastating consequences for the government if it continues to generate such immense quantities of hot air. An increasingly heated atmosphere in recent weeks has seen the tide go out for the coalition and this has the potential to cause even more troubled waters in the future, they said. Experts point... Read more »

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ELECTRIC PICNIC CANCELLATION REACTIONS!

Electric Picnic

Katherine Zappone I was really looking forward to going, but unfortunately I was recently diagnosed with tone-deafness, so maybe it’s all for the best. Van Morrison If they wanted people to stay away they should have asked me to play my new material. Michael O’Leary Actually, I’ve hated music ever since I’ve been told to... Read more »

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MARTIN CELEBRATES COVID VICTORY OVER BRITAIN

Michael Martin

Triumphant temporary taoiseach Micheál Martin has hailed “a great day for Ireland” as the country edged ahead of neighbours Britain in the number of feckless, embarrassing political scandals around Covid-19 behaviour. Beaming from ear to ear while thumping his chest, the Fianna Fáil leader said: “We now have a whopping 74.35% of our politicians caught... Read more »

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ALL-PURPOSE KELLIE HARRINGTON FILLER

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Irish boxer/Darling Dub Kellie Harrington’s victory was celebrated around the country/by all working-class people and has truly inserted this talented athlete/salt of the earth Jackeen into the pantheon of Irish sporting greats alongside [pick a few working-class types and avoid sailing or hockey]. The majestic achievement of this Olympian/plucky pugilist from Portland Road [check that’s... Read more »

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RTÉ AUTUMN SCHEDULE LOWLIGHTS

rte-logo

Operation Transformation Join fitness fanatic Kathryn Thomas as she goes through the motions, flogs dead horses, runs out of ideas and scrapes the bottom of the barrel in search of ratings and her own Saturday night chat show. Prime Time Miriam O’Callaghan and at least a dozen other presenters will return in September to discuss... Read more »

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HARRINGTON INSPIRED BY ‘POLITICAL LIGHTWEIGHTS’

Kellie Harrington

Ireland’s Olympic boxing hero Kellie Harrington has said she took huge inspiration from the Irish government, whom she describes as “the ultimate lightweights”. The Dublin fighter explained that she was impressed with the coalition’s nimble footwork, particularly when it came to avoiding any issues of substance whatsoever. “The speed they show when scrambling to save... Read more »

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MEGHAN AT 40

Meghan Markle

Birthday tributes pour in to Princess Meghan, Duchess of Sussex Katherine Zappone What a breath of fresh air – with her lively intelligence and frisky American background. Such a natural talent for defending freedom of opinion and expression. Meghan has shaken up Buck House’s fuddy-duddy world – and she also knows how to organise an... Read more »

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REVISED HAIL MARY FOR FIRST COMMUNION

hail mary

We’ve asked for more people to be allowed attend this ceremony But it’s a bit of a Hail Mary The government is a disgrace Lord we’re sick of Stephen Donnelly Blessed art rebel bishops and Mattie McGrath And what a mess they’ve made of these guidelines I mean, Jesus! Holy Mary, Mother of God Have... Read more »

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CORKMEN IN DESPERATE RACE

Simon and Leo

Captain Covetous with a crew member typically responsible for leaks By A Bandon-Shippe Two of Cork’s most famous sons, Simon Covetous and Mehole Martin, put on a valiant display of grit, speed and endurance, as they raced to see who could be the first to have their photograph taken with Olympic gold medallists Paul O’Donovan... Read more »

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RTÉ CRISIS LATEST

Marty

RTÉ is facing an “existential crisis” which could finally force it to produce some half-decent programmes, according to a shock report commissioned by the BAI. The bombshell document suggested the national broadcaster may have to rethink its programming strategy, which currently consists of churning out unwatchable dreck featuring the likes of Brendan O’Connor, Doireann Garrihy... Read more »

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