THE DAILY TORYGRAPH
BORIS: Let’s do it! Britain’s PM tells it like it isn’t – yikes!
What an absolutely spot-on victory for yours truly in getting the Euro shower to think again before pointing the fickle finger of blame at poor old Bozza for everything. Just when Brexit disaster loomed, cue a hastily arranged get-together with our fair-weather friend Murphy (surely Varadkar? – Ed) at some country-house wedding venue in the middle of nowhere. And hey presto – a sudden burst of vague optimism saves the day.
Does no harm to keep the oiks thinking that we could ever agree for long on anything. Old Leo’s a complete lightweight diva, of course – couldn’t drag him away from the cameras. A complete charlatan – we hit it off straightway.
Meantime, I can tell the doom-mongers who predict the worst after Brexit that there is no chance of civil unrest – it’s actually going to be very uncivil indeed. Anyway, we need to get our skates on before the good old UK becomes some kind of vassal state under the Euro Reich. Cripes! Just imagine the nightmare scenario of a future under uber-dictator Frau Merkel and her henchmen constantly hogging the sun loungers. That’s why it’s vital we exit Europe and get this thing done -– put Bojo back in No 10 for the next five years.
HALLOWEEN BREXIT BONFIRE
ANGER AS RUGBY DISRUPTS WEATHER
RUGBY WORLD CUP JAPAN 2019
by Our Man in Tokyo Harry Kane
The world of violent tropical storms was rocked to its foundations when an outbreak of international rugby threatened to ruin the arrival of Typhoon Hagibis in Japan.
Local residents, who were forced to sit through 80 minutes of Ireland’s match with Samoa in Fukuoka, expressed their anger at what had happened. “As usual, we were expecting flooded streets, uprooted trees and twisted rooftops, and being blown head-first into collapsing buildings by record-breaking winds,” said one irate supporter. “The last thing we needed was a sudden outbreak of sport spoiling everything.”
Meanwhile, the Rugby World Cup has entered its sixth week, with no sign of it finishing any time soon. Even the most dedicated fans are now wondering if the competition will ever end.
Said one former rugby enthusiast, Mike Madeupname: “I can’t recall much about the early rounds of the current tournament when I was a young man, but some of my vague memories of the group stage matches include Tonga’s legendary Hugjabugga Gauja collapsing the scrum against France. Surely it will all end?”
This is Seán. Do not be fooled. Behind the smiling features and proud nose lies a tale of heart-breaking sorrow and impoverishment.
Seán was once a titled personage and one of the richest men in Ireland. His greatest love (besides himself) was climbing. He reached the higher rungs on the social ladder and the upper regions of the rich lists, but then tragedy struck and Seán suffered a momentous fall. The tumble landed him on his rear end on very shaky ground. Battered and bruised, he sought to make his own way again across the Atlantic, but his persecutors followed him relentlessly. Today, Seán is desperately trying to survive on just $5 a week and he needs your help to get back on his feet and reclaim his title of Baron of Ballsbridge. You can donate online at www.dunnerstories.comedy
WOMEN HAVE ROW
The entire world held its breath last night as the wives of two well-known footballers had a row on social media.
“We haven’t seen anything like this,” said one tabloid editor, “since yesterday.”
On other pages:
- WAGS – assorted untalented women getting an awful lot of attention
- WAGES – footballers given ridiculous amounts of money
- 100s of full-colour pics of your favourite footballers’ wives
- Comment: Why Coleen and Rebekah are completely misunderstood
- Comment: Why Coleen and Rebekah are completely bitchy
- Why we can’t fill our pages with real news
COLEEN TACKLES IRELAND’S GREAT MYSTERIES
by Our Social Media Staff Phillipa Page
WAG investigator Coleen Rooney turns her attention to some of Ireland’s historical stories.
Countless theories have been put forward as to what happened to this champion racehorse back in 1983, with persistent rumours that Col Gadaffi was involved. However, after blocking everyone from viewing her Instagram stories except for one prominent former senior Sinn Féin figure, Coleen can now reveal the kidnap was carried out by an IRA gang led by Rebekah Vardy, who masterminded the whole thing.
Dublin City Council Protection Money Mystery
A huge Twitter storm continues about whether council officials sanctioned payments to Dublin gangsters to stop attacks on building workers. Coleen has now used all of her forensic investigative skills (Instagram) to prove that there is absolutely no truth in the reports since ordinary decent criminals would never risk their hard-won reputations by having anything to do with dodgy councillors.
Who was really to blame for the financial crisis of 2008 and the disastrous bail-out that followed? Coleen has been delving into the records overnight and has just concluded that leading bankers and the Irish government were jointly responsible for this monumental cock-up. She also concludes that unsecured bondholders were crazed with greed and desperate for celebrity magazine publicity. (That’s enough Coleen – Ed.)
GREEN MEN SHOCK!
There is an accepted practice in Japan that, when pedestrians wish to cross the street, they must first wait for the Green Man. These days nobody is waiting for the Green Man.
All over Japan, the lights are going out on the little Green Men. It seems their batteries are dying in the humidity and cannot be recharged. Local Green Man expert J’o Shmii said he could not explain what was going wrong and that the Green Men lights had been fully functioning last year in all conditions. “Maybe time is finally up,” he suggested.
BUDGET 2020 SUMMARY
- 2,000 trolleys in hospital corridors to get new wheels over next 10 years, with the remaining 700 to be oiled.
- HSE apologies to be streamlined, with admission of culpability and compensation payments to be made six months earlier than in 2019.
- Shane Ross emissions to be reduced by 50%.
- 15% increase in efforts to get the FAI to come clean.
- No more trees to die to facilitate further books of ‘wisdom’ by Michael Healy-Rae.
- Eoghan Murphy to create 2,500 new expectations before the next general election.
- Supports to be put in place immediately to stop the roof falling in on Minister Murphy.
- Charities that help rough sleepers to be given five extra pats on the back.
TRUMP VOWS TO ‘PULL US OUT OF AMERICA’
IN THE latest controversy to impact on the White House, President Donald Trump has announced that he is “pulling the United States out of America”.
Unveiling the surprise strategy while posing beside a range of Big Macs, Trump said, “It’s time America stood on its own two feet. America didn’t help us when we were fighting the Injuns! I have ordered the United States to immediately, like right now, withdraw from that bad, bad country with immediate exrtreme effect.”
When asked how this could be accomplished given the two countries are one and the same, the president said he would ask Valadimir Putin for more detail.
THOSE RTÉ CHAT SHOW CONTENDERS
Made her name in legendary home comedy productions like Drying Paint and Growing Grass and is considered a safe pair of jaws by station management. Even described by some as “Tubs in a skirt”.
One of RTÉ’s rising young stars with a “zany zest for living on the edge”, says one veteran producer. “Don’t be surprised if Kay arrives on your screen wearing a blue dress and sporting red hair with red highlights! Its risqué, but it might just work.”
Though only seven years old, advocates say she would bring a “seamless continuity” to the Saturday night slot, smoothly transitioning from Ray D’Arcy, while attracting a younger audience. On the minus side, bedtime is 10.30pm.
Impressed RTÉ executives this year with her megaphone skills with Publicity Rebellion. Would not tolerate any further build-up of rubbish on Saturday nights.
NURSERY RHYMES FOR OUR TIMES
City Council, City Council,
where have you been?
To the bank, to the bank, for the
City Council, City Council, why were your bags so filled?
So the frazzled lads on the site could continue to build.
Simple Simon met a pie man
back from A&E
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
‘How was the HSE?’
The pie man said to Simple Simon,
‘I heard consultants talk …
And every word I overheard agreed that you should walk!’
A Consultant Writes: As a very important senior doctor who practises in one of the elite medical specialties, I am often asked, “What exactly is wrong with the Minister of Health?”
The simple answer is that Mr Harris is suffering from a routine government condition that we experts call Auditory Impairmentis Normalis, also known as profound hearing deficiency.
What happens is that after a long period in charge of the HSE, the minister becomes increasingly deaf to the acute suffering of consultants across the country. He is also prone to other very serious symptoms, such as inane chattering, obsessive self-promotion and votes of no confidence in his ability to deliver quality healthcare.
This is closely linked to Privatus Eradicationitis (the risk of removing private medicine from public hospitals), which could have catastrophic consequences, not least on the salaries of my highly paid colleagues.
Unfortunately, if you are worried about Simon Harris, there is nothing you can do about it.
MICK WALLACE’S HOUSE CONTENTS
624 pink shirts
135 unopened letters from Revenue
1 large comb (unused)
1 bottle of Shannon duty-free whiskey
29 cases of Italian wines from ‘de brudder’
1 single fare receipt for flight to Brussels
1 photo album – mainly Clare Daly
2 travel guides –‘Brussels on Expenses’ and ‘Strasbourg for Beginnners’
2,717 written requests for an apology from Alan Shatter
1 Wexford Youths trophy cabinet (empty)
TONIGHT’S TV HIGHLIGHTS
• Darklands (Virgin Media) New, gritty drama focusing on a brutal gang war in a small Irish town. Violent and disquieting portrayal of a troubled teenage boy who dreams of becoming a ruthlessly aggressive MMA fighter. Trouble starts when his handlers pull off an audacious raid to capture the entertainment pages of every newspaper in the country. Could this be the next Love/Hate?
• Dublin Murders (RTÉ1) Gritty new drama focusing on the brutal murder of a young girl on the outskirts of a crime-ridden city. Violent and unsettling. Trouble starts when the investigating team come up against two ruthless gangs of Dublin-based broadcasters who are intent on taking viewers for a ride before leaving them all half-dead with boredom. Could this be the new Love/Hate? (That’s enough gritty drama – Ed.)
JOHN BANVILLE FAVOURITES
Favourite film: When a Stranger Calls
Favourite song: Would I Lie To You? (Charles and Eddie)
Favourite TV shows: Scandi noir
Favourite book: The Ego Has Landed
Favourite bird: Gull
Favourite sweet: Humbug
Favourite exercise: Leg pulling
Favourite food: Gammon
Favourite psychological condition: Stockholm Syndrome
DELANEY IN SENSATIONAL CODE SWITCH
by Our Sports Staff Phil Corporate-Box
In a sensational development, the FAI announced John Delaney’s resignation from his long-time position within the association. A brief statement confirmed that Delaney will take up a new post as IRFU executive vice-president (Bridging Loans Division) with immediate effect.
Rugby supporters are coming to terms with the news, which sent shockwaves throughout Irish sport. “After recent humiliating defeats,” said one hopeful fan, “I think it’s time to let Delaney use his financial expertise to transform our fortunes – just as he has done for himself.”
A spokesman for Delaney has said that he is looking forward to his new job. “John’s record speaks for itself. It takes an exceptional CEO to create an organisation such as the current League of Ireland, not to mention the Aviva Stadium debt and repeated World Cup qualification failures. We need that kind of radical approach in the IRFU – especially after last weekend’s disastrous result in Japan. John’s experience in Saipan in 2002 will prove invaluable – particularly to himself,” the spokesman said.
The FAI is planning a series of testimonial matches to raise much-needed funds for Delaney in a bid to ease the transition into his new role and pay essential legal costs and basic rental accommodation (€3,000 per month).
SHANE ROSS’S RUGBY WORLD CUP MENU
Egg chasers with hangers-on
Full of beans around Joe Schmidt
Toast after next election
Buttering up IRFU
Constantly in the soup
Cheesy grin for photographers
Brazen head of cabbage
Fish out of water
Taking the biscuit
Creaming it as minister
KIDS THREATEN THE SURVIVAL OF MANKIND
By Ian O’Dotty, the fearless face of reason
Surely it’s beyond time to stop this runaway Thunberg train in its tracks before it carries us all over the cliff edge of doom?! In my day, if you snapped back at your elders in the European Parliament you’d be sent to your room quick smart until you either a) sobered up or b) starved into remorse. Result? A balanced, tolerant outlook on life. Everything was orderly and respectful back then.
Nowadays, these lawless brats get praise from our taoiseach for skiving off school and forcing law-abiding citizens off the footpath just so a few foreign polar bears – whom they have never even met – don’t have to swim to the next ice floe!
Of course, the non-endangered elephant in the room is the example that is being shown by this kind of disregard for rationality. Already we are seeing impressionable adults, inspired by Ms Thunderberger, robbing ATMs, dealing in drugs, jumping queues and not buying the Irish Independent. It won’t stop until humankind is all but extinguished and politically correct dinosaurs and transgender Christian Brothers roam the forests and… (That’s enough rational thinking for today – Ed.)
BUDGET 2020 – WHAT THE PARTY LEADERS WANT
Award tax cuts to our early rising friends in the corporate sector’s upper tiers naturally, but we simply must incentivise the proles to put in an extra effort by ring-fencing a guarantee that they will not be forgotten in Budget 2024, subject to Brexit. Read that back to me so I can hear how it sounds.
– Taoiseach Leo Varadkar
Do you know that 92% of carbon dioxide emissions are caused by people breathing out?! 92%! We need to see a levy on respiring and incentives introduced to bring our exhaled emissions home in a recyclable paper bag and disposed of in a white bin.
– Eamon Ryan, Green Party
This nation’s past is too easily misjudged and discarded in our foolhardy rush into the unknown. We must have measures introduced to encourage the restoration of our dilapidated, half-forgotten relics and institutions. Hello? We’re over here….
– Brendan Howlin, Labour Party
Put me down for whatever Mr Varadkar says as always…
– Micheál Martin, Fianna Fáil.
LAST YEAR’S BIG SPENDERS
The country’s highest-spending government departments last year
Department of Justice: €9.6 billion
- Garda overtime on vital anti-kidnapping patrol duties in Cavan
- Breakdown and recovery of squad cars
- Legal fees re Denis O’Brien’s various court challenges
- CCTV of Maria Bailey’s swing
Department of Transport, Tourism and Sport €3.6 billion
- Essential field hockey pitch works, Wesley College
- Ministerial petrol allowance for essential journeys around Dublin Rathdown in search of electric vehicle charging points
- Multiple copies of ‘Beginner’s Guide to Popular Sports’
Department of Education and Skills €16.8 billion
- Primary school luxuries (pens, textbooks and buckets to catch leaks)
- Costs involved in organising essential fundraisers by head teachers
- Spending spree in North Dublin (new football for PE and one extra classroom chair)
RUGBY WORLD CUP- AN APOLOGY
Some of our objective analysis may have given readers a misleading view of our estimation of the Ireland rugby team.
Headlines such as ‘Schmidt’s wonders to win World Cup’ and ‘We need fear nobody in the final’ could have sparked a perception that we saw the national squad as brimming with brilliance and capable of the highest achievement. Nothing could be further from the truth.
The slaughter at the hands of the host nation confirmed our worst fears – that these green-clad gombeens are more suited to playing gin rummy than rugby and are totally out of their depth.
Having embarrassed the nation and inflicted irreversible psychological damage on a generation of south Dubliners, these flat-footed floozies should be brought home asap.
We hope this clarifies our true position – at least until the Russia game, after which we will furnish a further update.
THAT PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BUDGET
by David McWilliams
You don’t have to be a star celebrity economist like myself – although it helps, obviously – to see Budget 2020 for the weak-kneed semi-conscious creature that it is. Our mealy-mouthed finance minister, Paschal Donohoe, has always prided himself on being cautious and his latest strategy for the country’s public finances cowers helplessly in the face of Brexit.
It’s a cowardly approach but, in this case, Paschal is on the money – literally. Ireland should be grateful that he’s finally following my advice and preparing for the dark days that lie ahead for our fledgling economy. To be blunt, we are on the brink of the next unfathomable abyss and it will not be long before we will all be yearning for the glory days of post-Tiger austerity.
For too many years, I have been warning younger people to forget about buying property. Paschal’s restrained housing incentives recognise that owning a first home is simply pie in the sky. Maybe young workers can develop an interest in something else, like getting that new smart phone they’ve always wanted. Yet people who really understand the complexities of intricate socio-economic models – and there are so few of us around – know that Ireland really has to hold its nerve. Periods of wealth and poverty go in cycles – it’s all explained through countless pages of statistics from economic journals in my illuminating books about “breakfast roll man”.
But don’t worry if these seminal books are remaindered and can’t even be found on eBay. There’s always my carefully recycled regular newspaper columns, packed with good old-fashioned word-for-word plagiarism.
SHATTER’S LIFETIME OF MISTREATMENT REVEALED
by P.T. Mee
Former justice minister Alan Shatter has revealed dozens of new injustices against him spanning his entire life, according to leaked legal letters addressed to the universe.
The letter, in Mr Shatter’s handwriting, calls for hundreds of apologies, beginning with an incident in which three since-deceased childminders “forcibly denied me my liberty in a wooden cot at two years of age, quamobrem utilatis”
Shatter calls for justice over a CIÉ bus driver who “cast doubt upon my fitness” by accelerating past the bus stop where he was standing in October 1975.
The former politician says the universe also owes him recompense for “consequential trauma” when he was bitten by a dog 10 years ago and for “the humiliation of social negativity and exceptionalism” brought on by Jason McAteer scoring against Holland in 2001 while the politician was in the gents’ toilet of a pub.
The wronged Dubliner is also highly aggrieved over a lottery ticket that failed to deliver… (That’s quite enough disturbing grievances for now! – Ed).
DID NOSTRADAMUS PREDICT THE END OF LYRIC FM?
A deepening sense of doom spread across Ireland last night as astrologists and music fans alike realised the full horror implied by a quatrain written by the world’s greatest seer 500 years ago.
Nostradamus’s Quatrain 96.7FM reads: “The joker Rose of Mont will be without shekel. The big moustache will lose its music and all will know the end has come when the train has no more tracks. All go bananas”.
Says one classical music buff taking time out from his Irish Times crossword, “There is clearly no doubt he means reckless Montrose is skint, and Marty Whelan and John Kelly are left without as much as a Mozart medley to peddle. It’s the end of civilisation.”
However, sceptics say the French philosopher was only predicting that the regular ‘star’ staff would be fired to save money before a cost-efficient team of trained monkeys take over.
BORIS: BOG OFF!
Britain’s PM tells it like it isn’t – yikes!
What an absolute hoo-ha over a complete shower of fuddy-duddy judges ganging up on Bozza and saying that I told a lot of porkies to the queen. Tosh and poppycock! Otherwise, it’s been all go preparing for a top-notch Brexit deal that has the full backing of my great American friend, the Trumpster. Although the president wasn’t at Eton or the varsity with me, you really couldn’t wish to meet a better cove anywhere between here and the Equator… And as for his lady wife! Phwoar! Tip-top totty or what? No wonder Britain’s tousle-haired hero is taking Donald’ advice to sail the good ship Tory out of choppy Euro waters ASAP.
Sadly, Corbyn’s commie comrades continue to make scurrilous innuendos about Bojo having blotted his time as mayor of London by dishing out public funds to a full-bodied female friend. Utter piffle! Let me make it clear that all my tireless work, day and night (of course), banging the drum on behalf of London was above board in every sense. Ergo, it’s pretty clear that both my old chum Jacob Rees-Fogg and myself acted in good faith re this whole prorogation business. Which means that the Bozmeister can go back to Downing Street with my head held low and look in the mirror – or indeed the Sun – and say, hand on heart, “I did nothing right”..
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE 3720
|You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry
||You wouldn’t like him
|Hounded by a journalist
||Hounded by journalists
|Full of muscles
||Outmuscled by Supreme Court
|Mild-mannered alter ego
||Ego is never mild
|Always rips his shirt
||Trying to rip up backstop
|Has difficulty speaking
||Has difficulty with Speaker Bercow
TV PROGRAMME ENDS SHOCK!
by Our TV staff Dee List
An early evening entertainment programme featuring fashion, beauty and showbiz gossip is being shelved after 12 years on the air.
On other pages
- C-list celebs from the very first show
- C-list celebs from the final show
- 250 pictures of farewell party
- Full-colour pics of presenters, Karen Gosh, Cassie Glitz and Glenda Cleavage
- Why we can’t find anything worthwhile to write about
THE DAILY BORISGRAPH
Yellowhammer scare-mongering! Britain’s PM tells it like it isn’t
What a terrific tip-top week for yours truly in the midst of the political maelstrom and coming out smelling of roses on all fronts! Talk about out-smarting the Westminster oiks and fighting the deadly enemy on the backbenches just like my great hero, Winston C!
If the Bozzman is famous for anything, of course, it’s all-out action – with knobs on! I’ve taken a hands-on lead, based on the example of our friends in Stormont. This means suspending all the proper Brit MPs here for five weeks on full pay. I mean, what’s fairer than that? Ergo, the ashen-faced DUP folk can hardly complain that all parts of the UK aren’t finally being governed the same way.
Meantime, the damned Shinners have never taken their seats, so they haven’t a leg to stand on.
And as for all this talk about Yellowhammer – absolute piffle! Typical of old man Corbyn and his commie chums (Boo!) to harp on about basic food shortages and long queues. But rest assured, you can all believe Bojo when I say that post-Brexit London will be safe as houses – except for those that will be burned to the ground during rioting, obviously.
AMNESTY APPEAL – VICTIMS OF THE MONTH
THE starry-eyed expression and familiar smirk speak volumes about his troubled period. Although he has done everything humanly possible to avoid publicity, Joe (his real name) has been experiencing unspeakable dangers over recent times.
Despite a lifetime of selfless service to the public at large, the cautiously restrained GAA expert has just had to endure being callously axed from RTÉ’s All-Ireland Football Final replay. Characteristically, Joe has reacted with the utmost decorum, accepting his cruel fate with good grace and scrupulously avoiding the media.
Regrettably, as if he had not suffered enough, Joe’s plight took a turn for the worst last week when the discredited veteran pundit Eamon Dunphy weighed in to support him by criticising the national broadcaster, blatantly using the situation to boost his own flagging career.
Understandably, fans have been horrified at the callous treatment meted out to the greatest self-styled GAA authority in the history of the game. It’s hard to imagine that we may never see him trying to be controversial again, throwing hissy fits about off-the-ball incidents and insulting referees before issuing grovelling apologies a day later.
Tragically, that golden age has passed and Joe faces an uncertain future. Now, more than ever, he needs all the support and sympathy that he truly deserves. An all-night, candle-lit vigil will be held outside Croke Park.
JAPAN 2019 – THREE MEN TO WATCH
Weighing in at just under 37 stone, the New Zealand No 10 shirt is a force to be reckoned with. Haka has already carved out a successful career for himself by converting opposing wingers from well within his own 20-yard line.
The host nation’s livewire full back will be expected to leave his mark on the faces of anyone who dares to get near him in the players’ tunnel. Not surprisingly, this charismatic powerhouse has risen fast through the ranks of the Yakuza.
Russia’s powerful 27-stone winger from the tough streets of Dagestan is guaranteed to carry the fight directly to every team he encounters. Unfortunately, he has a record of being sin-binned – usually before getting out of the dressing room.
(That’s enough Men To Watch – Ed.)
PLOUGHING CHAMPIONSHIPS 2019
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NOEL GREALISH DEFENDS SPONGING
By Mai Grant
THERE IS growing pressure on Noel Grealish to resign from his Dáil seat following a series of controversial statements and embarrassing evidence of cult-like behaviour in the past. During a public meeting about the proposed opening of a direct provision centre in the TD’s constituency in Co Galway, several members of the audience attacked the politician.
One economic migrant from Africa described Noel Grealish as a “complete waste of space, who had sponged off the public for far too long”.
For his part, Grealish said he had only been sponging since 2002, when he was first elected to the Dáil.
Another attendee at the packed meting raised concerns about Grealish’s former leadership of a fanatical cult known as the Progressive Democrats and his adherence to their pernicious ideology. “The PDs were essentially an anti-Christian gang intent on taking God out of the Irish constitution.”
Grealish defended his involvement with the shadowy PDs claiming, “At the time I didn’t really know what I was getting into, but there is still no room in this country for left-wing pinkos or spongers in general.”
JAPAN 2019 WORLD CUP EXCITEMENT REACHES FEVER PITCH
by Our Entire Staff
With the Rugby World Cup just days away, unparalleled numbers of Irish fans are erupting in a frenzy of eager anticipation. Sports minister Shane Ross has strongly advised supporters travelling to Japan over the next month to make themselves fully aware of local culture and customs.
Shane’s Top Tips For Travellers
Between rugby matches, visitors can enjoy short whaling expeditions, with large amounts of local sake – followed by siki on deck.
Never inquire as to why adult Sumo wrestlers always wear nappies.
The Japanese are very polite people to their superiors; Leo would like it there.
Japanese leaders have been known to commit Hara-Kiri (ritual suicide) when their actions bring them shame. Leo would not like this.
The Japanese people have traditionally been intolerant of foreigners, although this is understood to be changing slowly. Noel Grealish might like it there.
While we have GAA, the Japanese have Geishas. They are not the same, although in some Irish counties it would be hard to tell the difference on the pitch.
Drink prices can be exorbitant in yen – about half that in Temple Bar.
Osaka’s ‘must-have’ experiences include a plastic bag filled with whale burgers. Other traditional delicacies include glow-in-the-dark sushi. (That’s enough Top Tips – Ed.)
Ireland: Too early as yet to say ‘what went wrong’ with this well-drilled machine.
Scotland: Hoping desperately to remain but destined to be dragged out. Will struggle against the English-speaking sides and Australia.
Russia: With Putin insisting on picking the team, the rumour is that the atmosphere in the camp is poisonous.
Japan: Home advantage will count for little when these minnows meet whales that fight back.
Samoa: Big, round and heavy like a cannonball, Samoa will be fired out of Japan pretty early.
New Zealand: Apart from the overblown Haka, the current All Blacks have struggled recently but are likely to end up meeting Ireland, who are contractually obliged to exit the tournament at quarter-final stage every four years.
South Africa: Coach Rassie Erasmus has turned these blunderers into a force to be reckoned with – more than he could do with Munster.
Namibia: With Kala Hari the only world-famous name on the team sheet, medal hopes remain a desert.
Canada: Overcame mighty Germany to get to the finals but, like Justin Trudeau, all socks and floppy hair on the pitch.
Italy: Notoriously tricky customers, the Italians tend to punch above their weight or below it or straight in the gut. Pool B, though, will leave them punch drunk.
England: Highly fancied (by themselves) England more likely to crash out amidst scenes of total chaos.
France: The word on the grapevines is that the French are going to bottle it again with this far from a vintage crop.
Argentina: Coach Pat O’Gonia relies on heavily on beef to get past other countries and will give other coaches plenty to chew on.
USA: Will do everything possible to stop other countries getting into its territory but has been going backward for about three years now.
Tonga: The island kingdom is increasingly out of its depth and set to be submerged by mid-October.
Australia: Stop fly half-cut Matt Tilda from going a-waltzing through to feed De Billabong and the Wallabies will be far from fair dinkum. Not a prayer (which isn’t allowed anyway).
Wales: Flanker Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch is said to have the longest name in world rugby but referees now wise to Welsh tactic of slowing the game down by getting him booked.
Georgia: The team on everyone’s mind are so out of tune they will be on a midnight train back home in no time.
Fiji: The current theory is that the men from the land where Robinson Crusoe was filmed will be home by Friday.
Uruguay: Rugby was fostered in Uruguay by the Irish Christian Brothers in the 19th century and the team will be challenged by new rules disallowing smashing opponents about the head.
PLOUGHING CHAMPIONSHIPS WINNERS
Reaping what you sow: Labour Party meitheal
Milking it: Maria Bailey co-operative
Making a pig’s ear out of everything: Farmer Eoghan Murphy
Making hay while the sun shines: Landlord gang
Letting grass grow under feet: Farmer Harris
Producing bull manure: Farmer Johnson
HEAVENLY EXCLUSIVE – MIR.I.AM TIP-TOES BACK TO THE CHURCH
Mir.i.am – the TV presenter formerly known as Miriam O’Callaghan – has revealed (phwaor! – Ed) that she is tip-toeing back to the church. “It’s true,” she says. “I cannot lie. I have been making secret visits to my local church on my own in order to light candles with just a film team from RTÉ and my producer in tow.”
The mother of 23 children also revealed that she is lighting the candles for colleagues in RTÉ. “Yes,” she confessed, “some of my colleagues in RTÉ are suffering at the moment because of falling audience figures, falling salaries and falling production values.”
However, she refused to be drawn on who she was referring to “but Ray D’Arcy, Joe Duffy and particularly Sean O’Rourke will know who I mean,” she quipped.
SPONSORED BY RATHBORNE CANDLES
THOSE 2019 CULTURE NIGHT EXPERIENCES
Ask us any question you like on the night and immediately receive a two-line summary of why we think you shouldn’t know the answer even if it was our fault… which it wasn’t.
Why not make a weekend out of it by dialling us on Friday for some assistance and waiting until Sunday to get through?
Take a safari on our famous Montrose campus and try to spy exotic creatures – such as Marty Morrissey, Miriam O’Callaghan and others – that are nowhere near becoming extinct, despite the public’s growing appetite for real entertainment.
Your local bank
An afternoon in the bank looking for an actual human staff member to talk to will prove a demanding and ultimately unsatisfying (banking) culture challenge.
THAT FÉILE 2019 LINE-UP
Veteran punk who is heavily inspired by Meat Loaf. Creed has been singing the same old tune for quite some time now and his choreography is regarded as hopelessly out of step.
The House Martin
Desperately ambitious crooner who could be running out of time to revive his flagging career. Needs a big hit soon.
Howlin at the Lefties
Howlin has struggled to maintain public interest in his outfit and has resorted to whistling past the graveyard. Critics say a new voice is needed.
Arlene and the Dupes
Strident front woman who continues to be overshadowed by her Westminster Greek chorus. Obsessed with maintaining UK royalties.