Category: Craic & Codology

MARTIN REASSURES THE PEOPLE

Daoine na hÉireann, as your new leader I am asking you to share my dream and to focus on the future, and let go of the past. All that previous stuff about Fine Gael being a shower of murderous, lying b**tards or a collection of... Read more »

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MARTIN REASSURES THE PEOPLE

Micheál Martin

Daoine na hÉireann, as your new leader I am asking you to share my dream and to focus on the future, and let go of the past. All that previous stuff about Fine Gael being a shower of murderous, lying b**tards or a collection of... Read more »

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OLD TESTAMENT TIME

bible scripture

A Reading from the Book of Houses, Verse 7: Prophet Damo Predicts Pestilence And lo, there was at that time living in a big house in the city a wealthy prophet, Holy Dermo of Desmond, who didst claim to see the future. Great was the... Read more »

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SUMMER READS – PHIL BOOK RECOMMENDS 5O MUST-READ TITLES

Books

Roy Keane: Moby Dick I like to relax by fishing and I can relate to this story of a lad who sets his sights high and gets his reward. Mind you, if he had that muppet De Gea minding his net he probably would’ve come... Read more »

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DEAR DIARY…

Martin Diary

Micheál Martin’s top secret thoughts WEDNESDAY Wow! I’m still afraid that I might wake up and realise it’s all a dream. Looking at all the posters on my bedroom wall – Dev, Biffo, Bertie – who would ever have thought that, after so much heartbreak... Read more »

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LEO WELCOMES HISTORIC DEAL

Leo Varadkar

“Life is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re gonna get. Over the past two weeks, I have said to our membership, ‘If this plane leaves and you’re not with us, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but... Read more »

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THE FORTY SHADES OF GREEN

Green Eamon Ryan

I close my eyes and picture all the piles of votes saying ‘yes’. From the fishing port at Dingle and the village of Recess From the banks of the river Shannon and from the folks at Skibbereen From the moorlands and the midlands came those... Read more »

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FEARS GROW OVER SECOND WAVE

As the country exits lockdown, concerns are continuing to grow about a resurgence in Covid-19 fillers and think-pieces. One day last week saw the highest number of Covid-related speculation in the Irish Times since mid-March, whilst there has also been a notable spike in the... Read more »

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COVID-19 UPDATE: RELIEF AS GANGS OF DRUNKS SET TO RETURN TO STREETS

Drunk man

Ireland was poised to celebrate the easing of Covid-19 restrictions last night as thousands of drinkers looked forward to the re-opening of pubs. “I can’t wait to collapse against someone’s car on the way home again before sliding in a heap into the gutter while... Read more »

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MAN APPLIES FOR EUROGROUP PRESIDENT JOB

Euro elections

EXCLUSIVE TO ALL PAPERS A leading Irish politician has put his name forward for consideration to become the next president of the Eurogroup. On other pages Pope Francis keen to continue as Catholic Pontiff – p2 Bears eager to defecate in new wooded areas –... Read more »

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GOLDHAWK’S DRIVE-THRU CINEMA

cinema movie

Goldhawk’s Drive-Thru cinema is delighted to be screening these classic movies over the coming weeks: The Green Mile A very innocent man (Eamon Ryan) is counting down the days to his political death sentence. In a cruel twist, he is informed that his electric chair... Read more »

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PUBLIC TRANSPORT LATEST

Public Transport Masks

Seating will be in short supply on public transport as restrictions ease – meaning it’s business as usual, according to a report. Delays, overpricing and crumbling infrastructure will further contribute to a sense of normality returning, the study suggests. “New measures to combat Covid-19 on... Read more »

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LUKE KELLY STATUE FAVOURITES

Luke Kelly Statue

Favourite film: American Graffiti Favourite song: Paint It Black, Rolling Stones Favourite TV show: Give My Head Peace Favourite band: Massive Attack Favourite tribe: Vandals Favourite animal: Copycat Favourite exercise: Mind-boggling Favourite musician: Tom Petty

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CRITICISM OF COMIC RELIEF ‘NO LAUGHING MATTER’ SAYS RTÉ

Comic relief

“There are two more hiding over here.” Reluctant Comic Relief participants are rounded up. (Spoiler: this is yet another weak joke) RTÉ has confirmed that there were no in-house audiences for any of the studio-based ‘comic’ sketches during Covid Relief. All the laughter was dubbed.... Read more »

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RTÉ PROMO – COSMIC RELIEF

rte-logo

Calling all TV viewers! Please tune in to your national station on June 26th and help to bring hope to some of the most desperate people on the planet. Yes, every single one of you that tunes in to this special evening is telling a... Read more »

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THE TRIUMVIRATE ADDRESSES THE NATION

triumbirate

All: Good evening people of Ireland. Leo Varadkar: After many long sleepless nights for our negotiating teams, we have agreed a draft proposal for government. Micheál Martin: We’ve overcome significant obstacles to get to this point. LV: Primarily the Greens. Eamon Ryan: We believe this... Read more »

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OVER 70S CRITICAL OF ‘OVER ZEALOUS’ HOLOHAN

Old man

The chief medical officer of the Dept of Health, Tony Holohon, has been criticised over his ‘oppressive’ restrictions on people aged over 70, as part of the Government’s anti-Covid-19 virus campaign. Speaking on the basis of anonymity, Sean Owl-Fella, aged 99, of Ram Shakle Cottages,... Read more »

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CANCEL CULTURE CALLED OUT

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The cancel culture that has seen shows such as Little Britain and Fawlty Towers recently censored has become ridiculous, critics say. “It’s the hypocrisy I can’t stand,” tweeted one opponent of the movement. “They want to erase shows that are ‘out of touch’ and ‘offensive... Read more »

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SINÉAD: NOTHING COMPARES 2 ME

Nothing Compares

Exclusive extract from the upcoming memoir April 1961 When Ella Fitzgerald performed, she always told the story of a young multi-talented Glenageary prodigy who would rise to become the world’s greatest singer-songwriter. Her dream was simply to follow her dreams. I’m still amazed that Ella... Read more »

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TEAM SPORTS GUIDELINES ANNOUNCED

football field

All drugs providers to be electronically logged Two-metre distancing to be strictly observed when abusing referee to his face Showering permitted only during heavy rain Blood to be wiped thoroughly from hurleys and fists immediately after sideline fracas All extra-marital affairs to be conducted at... Read more »

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PROPERTY AD

bedsit

On the market for a reasonable €300,000, this charming Dublin city centre apartment is a real bargain. This studio uses its space intelligently, making every one of its 29 square metres count and is a steal for just €325,000. At just €410,000, you’d be hard... Read more »

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PLACES OF WORSHIP TO REOPEN

As lockdown restrictions gradually lift, among the places of worship set to reopen is Dáil Éireann, where politicians of all creeds kneel at the altar of money and power. In recent years, the chamber has become a shrine to the Cult of Leo, with Fine... Read more »

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ARTEMIS FOWL – MOVIE PANIC

Artemis Fowl

The new fantasy adventure film based on the 2001 novel of Artemis Fowl was finally released digitally on Dismal+ yesterday to the delight of thousands of journalists who had been queuing up for some time to get their articles into the paper. “Movie pundits like... Read more »

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VLAD FEARFUL OF MASKED ROBBERS

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By Dee Scrounger Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has vowed action against an ongoing spate of alleged theft committed by “masked robbers” up and down the country. “These masked bandits are the real virus,” the Fine Gael leader declared at a press conference, “signing on for emergency... Read more »

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WHERE TO SPEND YOUR SUMMER ‘STAYCATION’

Ballinesker Beach, Co, Wexford

Hotel Holohan, County Kiljoy Deemed the “safest place” in Ireland’, this holiday retreat offers a slow-paced, risk-free escape from the madding throngs of re-emergent commerce. Enjoy 14 days of quality quarantine as you relax in bed until 9pm before watching the glorious sunset from your... Read more »

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KINAHAN ‘NOT PLANNING A POLITICAL CAREER AT THE MOMENT’

Boxing Ring

Alleged ruthless drugs baron Daniel Kinahan says he has “no plans at present” to enter the world of Irish politics, following the ongoing controversy around his boxing interest. The news comes as most commentators believe the merciless orchestrator’s move into boxing promotion is merely a... Read more »

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HOTTEST NEW HAIRCUTS

Navy haircut

Goldhawk can exclusively reveal the hottest new haircuts for the summer season ahead The Eamon Extremely blunt cut that is bound to generate funny looks when out and about. Caution is advised though as it’s thought to be going out of fashion and may not... Read more »

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BREAKDOWN OF GOVT FORMATION DOC

An Dail

Fianna Fáil Micheál Martin allowed to play taoiseach at least one day a week Token investments in rural Ireland to appease grassroots Greens Retro-fitting Eamon Ryan to insulate him from further criticism Bus Connects for rural cities, so they can also experience massive transport disruptions... Read more »

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IS THERE TOO MUCH ABOUT ‘NORMAL PEOPLE’ IN THE NEWSPAPERS?

Daisy Edgar-Jones - Normal People

by Our ‘Normal People’ Staff  – Phillipa Page Are there too many filler pieces in all the newspapers about Normal People, the sensational TV adaptation of Sally Rooney’s controversial novel? That’s what I’ve been asked to write about by the editor to fill up 2,000... Read more »

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CHEAP IRISH HOMES

Martincourt

To celebrate RTÉ’s new property programme Cheap Irish Homes, Goldhawk takes a look at some neglected wrecks: MARTINCOURT Built in the 1930s, this once-imposing edifice dominated the landscape and was regarded as impregnable. However, in recent times the walls have started caving in and experts think... Read more »

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PHASE 2 OF COUNTRY RE-OPENING OUTLINED

Coronavirus

15% increase in dog sh*t on your street Burglars visiting two houses in your estate overnight Your eldest lad manages to get hold of some cannabis again 27% reduction in bored people watching Maura and Daithí 56 negative messages about Tony Holohan’s ‘pig headedness’ on... Read more »

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MICHAEL MCDOWELL: LOCKDOWN SEES RISE IN TURGID COLUMNS

Michael McDowell

As the government’s conservative approach to reopening the country comes under increased scrutiny, one of the most alarming trends has been the rise in windbag columnists churning out unreadable dreck day after day. Often having a background in political parties that proved abysmal failures, such... Read more »

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FARMING MACHINERY TO BE ONLY USED FOR ‘PUBLICITY STUNTS’, SAYS IFA

Farmers Protests

The Irish Farmers’ Association have condemned the behaviour of those engaging in “reckless stunts” involving farm machinery. Videos uploaded to a social network show people carrying out dangerous pranks involving agricultural equipment. IFA spokesman Old MacDonald said the use of machinery in this way is... Read more »

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FG-FF PROGRAMME FOR GOVERNMENT LEAKED

article-default

by Our Political Staff – Phil Weeks Tighter control of country’s finances to re-heat the economy Even tighter control of Shinners to keep them out in the cold Vlad’s pal Eoghan Murphy to become Minister for Paperclips Greens to continue prevaricating ad nauseam Sell off... Read more »

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RYAN EXPRESSES INTEREST IN GREEN LEADERSHIP

Eamon Ryan

As Catherine Martin continues to make headlines as the Greens’ lead negotiator in government formation talks, Eamon Ryan has acknowledged that leading the party remains one of his main ambitions. “Whilst I’m not ruling out being tánaiste at some stage, I am also keen to... Read more »

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TWO METRE DISTANCE TO BE ENFORCED

Covid-19 social distancing

Government ministers will continue to maintain their distance from any controversial decisions, according to NPHET. Amidst growing unease in Cabinet at the prospect of difficult choices around Covid-19 and the economy, public health officials have said ministers should stay at least a barge poll away... Read more »

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