MARTIN REASSURES THE PEOPLE
July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology
Daoine na hÉireann, as your new leader I am asking you to share my dream and to focus on the future, and let go of the past. All that previous stuff about Fine Gael being a shower of murderous, lying b**tards or a collection of... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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MARTIN REASSURES THE PEOPLE
July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology
Daoine na hÉireann, as your new leader I am asking you to share my dream and to focus on the future, and let go of the past. All that previous stuff about Fine Gael being a shower of murderous, lying b**tards or a collection of... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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OLD TESTAMENT TIME
July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology
A Reading from the Book of Houses, Verse 7: Prophet Damo Predicts Pestilence And lo, there was at that time living in a big house in the city a wealthy prophet, Holy Dermo of Desmond, who didst claim to see the future. Great was the... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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SUMMER READS – PHIL BOOK RECOMMENDS 5O MUST-READ TITLES
July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology
Roy Keane: Moby Dick I like to relax by fishing and I can relate to this story of a lad who sets his sights high and gets his reward. Mind you, if he had that muppet De Gea minding his net he probably would’ve come... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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DEAR DIARY…
July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology
Micheál Martin’s top secret thoughts WEDNESDAY Wow! I’m still afraid that I might wake up and realise it’s all a dream. Looking at all the posters on my bedroom wall – Dev, Biffo, Bertie – who would ever have thought that, after so much heartbreak... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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LEO WELCOMES HISTORIC DEAL
July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology
“Life is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re gonna get. Over the past two weeks, I have said to our membership, ‘If this plane leaves and you’re not with us, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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THE FORTY SHADES OF GREEN
July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology
I close my eyes and picture all the piles of votes saying ‘yes’. From the fishing port at Dingle and the village of Recess From the banks of the river Shannon and from the folks at Skibbereen From the moorlands and the midlands came those... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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FEARS GROW OVER SECOND WAVE
July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology
As the country exits lockdown, concerns are continuing to grow about a resurgence in Covid-19 fillers and think-pieces. One day last week saw the highest number of Covid-related speculation in the Irish Times since mid-March, whilst there has also been a notable spike in the... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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COVID-19 UPDATE: RELIEF AS GANGS OF DRUNKS SET TO RETURN TO STREETS
July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology
Ireland was poised to celebrate the easing of Covid-19 restrictions last night as thousands of drinkers looked forward to the re-opening of pubs. “I can’t wait to collapse against someone’s car on the way home again before sliding in a heap into the gutter while... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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MAN APPLIES FOR EUROGROUP PRESIDENT JOB
July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology
EXCLUSIVE TO ALL PAPERS A leading Irish politician has put his name forward for consideration to become the next president of the Eurogroup. On other pages Pope Francis keen to continue as Catholic Pontiff – p2 Bears eager to defecate in new wooded areas –... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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GOLDHAWK’S DRIVE-THRU CINEMA
July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology
Goldhawk’s Drive-Thru cinema is delighted to be screening these classic movies over the coming weeks: The Green Mile A very innocent man (Eamon Ryan) is counting down the days to his political death sentence. In a cruel twist, he is informed that his electric chair... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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PUBLIC TRANSPORT LATEST
July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology
Seating will be in short supply on public transport as restrictions ease – meaning it’s business as usual, according to a report. Delays, overpricing and crumbling infrastructure will further contribute to a sense of normality returning, the study suggests. “New measures to combat Covid-19 on... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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LUKE KELLY STATUE FAVOURITES
July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology
Favourite film: American Graffiti Favourite song: Paint It Black, Rolling Stones Favourite TV show: Give My Head Peace Favourite band: Massive Attack Favourite tribe: Vandals Favourite animal: Copycat Favourite exercise: Mind-boggling Favourite musician: Tom PettyTo access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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CRITICISM OF COMIC RELIEF ‘NO LAUGHING MATTER’ SAYS RTÉ
July 2, 2020 Craic & Codology
“There are two more hiding over here.” Reluctant Comic Relief participants are rounded up. (Spoiler: this is yet another weak joke) RTÉ has confirmed that there were no in-house audiences for any of the studio-based ‘comic’ sketches during Covid Relief. All the laughter was dubbed.... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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RTÉ PROMO – COSMIC RELIEF
June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology
Calling all TV viewers! Please tune in to your national station on June 26th and help to bring hope to some of the most desperate people on the planet. Yes, every single one of you that tunes in to this special evening is telling a... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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THE TRIUMVIRATE ADDRESSES THE NATION
June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology
All: Good evening people of Ireland. Leo Varadkar: After many long sleepless nights for our negotiating teams, we have agreed a draft proposal for government. Micheál Martin: We’ve overcome significant obstacles to get to this point. LV: Primarily the Greens. Eamon Ryan: We believe this... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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OVER 70S CRITICAL OF ‘OVER ZEALOUS’ HOLOHAN
June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology
The chief medical officer of the Dept of Health, Tony Holohon, has been criticised over his ‘oppressive’ restrictions on people aged over 70, as part of the Government’s anti-Covid-19 virus campaign. Speaking on the basis of anonymity, Sean Owl-Fella, aged 99, of Ram Shakle Cottages,... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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CANCEL CULTURE CALLED OUT
June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology
The cancel culture that has seen shows such as Little Britain and Fawlty Towers recently censored has become ridiculous, critics say. “It’s the hypocrisy I can’t stand,” tweeted one opponent of the movement. “They want to erase shows that are ‘out of touch’ and ‘offensive... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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SINÉAD: NOTHING COMPARES 2 ME
June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology
Exclusive extract from the upcoming memoir April 1961 When Ella Fitzgerald performed, she always told the story of a young multi-talented Glenageary prodigy who would rise to become the world’s greatest singer-songwriter. Her dream was simply to follow her dreams. I’m still amazed that Ella... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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TEAM SPORTS GUIDELINES ANNOUNCED
June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology
All drugs providers to be electronically logged Two-metre distancing to be strictly observed when abusing referee to his face Showering permitted only during heavy rain Blood to be wiped thoroughly from hurleys and fists immediately after sideline fracas All extra-marital affairs to be conducted at... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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PROPERTY AD
June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology
On the market for a reasonable €300,000, this charming Dublin city centre apartment is a real bargain. This studio uses its space intelligently, making every one of its 29 square metres count and is a steal for just €325,000. At just €410,000, you’d be hard... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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PLACES OF WORSHIP TO REOPEN
June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology
As lockdown restrictions gradually lift, among the places of worship set to reopen is Dáil Éireann, where politicians of all creeds kneel at the altar of money and power. In recent years, the chamber has become a shrine to the Cult of Leo, with Fine... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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ARTEMIS FOWL – MOVIE PANIC
June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology
The new fantasy adventure film based on the 2001 novel of Artemis Fowl was finally released digitally on Dismal+ yesterday to the delight of thousands of journalists who had been queuing up for some time to get their articles into the paper. “Movie pundits like... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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VLAD FEARFUL OF MASKED ROBBERS
June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology
By Dee Scrounger Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has vowed action against an ongoing spate of alleged theft committed by “masked robbers” up and down the country. “These masked bandits are the real virus,” the Fine Gael leader declared at a press conference, “signing on for emergency... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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WHERE TO SPEND YOUR SUMMER ‘STAYCATION’
June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology
Hotel Holohan, County Kiljoy Deemed the “safest place” in Ireland’, this holiday retreat offers a slow-paced, risk-free escape from the madding throngs of re-emergent commerce. Enjoy 14 days of quality quarantine as you relax in bed until 9pm before watching the glorious sunset from your... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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KINAHAN ‘NOT PLANNING A POLITICAL CAREER AT THE MOMENT’
June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology
Alleged ruthless drugs baron Daniel Kinahan says he has “no plans at present” to enter the world of Irish politics, following the ongoing controversy around his boxing interest. The news comes as most commentators believe the merciless orchestrator’s move into boxing promotion is merely a... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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HOTTEST NEW HAIRCUTS
June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology
Goldhawk can exclusively reveal the hottest new haircuts for the summer season ahead The Eamon Extremely blunt cut that is bound to generate funny looks when out and about. Caution is advised though as it’s thought to be going out of fashion and may not... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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BREAKDOWN OF GOVT FORMATION DOC
June 18, 2020 Craic & Codology
Fianna Fáil Micheál Martin allowed to play taoiseach at least one day a week Token investments in rural Ireland to appease grassroots Greens Retro-fitting Eamon Ryan to insulate him from further criticism Bus Connects for rural cities, so they can also experience massive transport disruptions... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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IS THERE TOO MUCH ABOUT ‘NORMAL PEOPLE’ IN THE NEWSPAPERS?
June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology
by Our ‘Normal People’ Staff – Phillipa Page Are there too many filler pieces in all the newspapers about Normal People, the sensational TV adaptation of Sally Rooney’s controversial novel? That’s what I’ve been asked to write about by the editor to fill up 2,000... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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CHEAP IRISH HOMES
June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology
To celebrate RTÉ’s new property programme Cheap Irish Homes, Goldhawk takes a look at some neglected wrecks: MARTINCOURT Built in the 1930s, this once-imposing edifice dominated the landscape and was regarded as impregnable. However, in recent times the walls have started caving in and experts think... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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PHASE 2 OF COUNTRY RE-OPENING OUTLINED
June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology
15% increase in dog sh*t on your street Burglars visiting two houses in your estate overnight Your eldest lad manages to get hold of some cannabis again 27% reduction in bored people watching Maura and Daithí 56 negative messages about Tony Holohan’s ‘pig headedness’ on... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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MICHAEL MCDOWELL: LOCKDOWN SEES RISE IN TURGID COLUMNS
June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology
As the government’s conservative approach to reopening the country comes under increased scrutiny, one of the most alarming trends has been the rise in windbag columnists churning out unreadable dreck day after day. Often having a background in political parties that proved abysmal failures, such... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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FARMING MACHINERY TO BE ONLY USED FOR ‘PUBLICITY STUNTS’, SAYS IFA
June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology
The Irish Farmers’ Association have condemned the behaviour of those engaging in “reckless stunts” involving farm machinery. Videos uploaded to a social network show people carrying out dangerous pranks involving agricultural equipment. IFA spokesman Old MacDonald said the use of machinery in this way is... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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FG-FF PROGRAMME FOR GOVERNMENT LEAKED
June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology
by Our Political Staff – Phil Weeks Tighter control of country’s finances to re-heat the economy Even tighter control of Shinners to keep them out in the cold Vlad’s pal Eoghan Murphy to become Minister for Paperclips Greens to continue prevaricating ad nauseam Sell off... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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RYAN EXPRESSES INTEREST IN GREEN LEADERSHIP
June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology
As Catherine Martin continues to make headlines as the Greens’ lead negotiator in government formation talks, Eamon Ryan has acknowledged that leading the party remains one of his main ambitions. “Whilst I’m not ruling out being tánaiste at some stage, I am also keen to... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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TWO METRE DISTANCE TO BE ENFORCED
June 4, 2020 Craic & Codology
Government ministers will continue to maintain their distance from any controversial decisions, according to NPHET. Amidst growing unease in Cabinet at the prospect of difficult choices around Covid-19 and the economy, public health officials have said ministers should stay at least a barge poll away... Read more »To access this content, you must be a Phoenix subscriber.
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