Category: Craic & Codology

SINN FÉIN ‘MORE EVIL THAN WE THOUGHT’, SAYS GOVT

Mary Lou McDonald

Government parties have jumped to criticise Sinn Féin’s use of a voter database, which it is alleged violates data protection rights of voters. One Fine Gael spokesperson said: “As soon as Leo Varadkar is finished speaking to gardaí regarding his leaking of privileged state documents, he’ll issue a statement expressing his outrage at this alleged... Read more »

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FORBES GUIDE TO IRELAND

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There’s a lot more to Ireland than rolling green hills and friendly faces. For instance, visitors may not be aware that right in the middle of the Irish countryside is Limerick, Europe’s murder capital. Serial killers brandish colourful machetes as drug lords load up their stolen SUVs with bullet-ridden bodies. And what about the capital... Read more »

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A MESSAGE FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF PUBLICITY FOR STEPHEN DONNELLY

Donnelly

By Stephen Donnelly There have been a number of nasty rumours lately calling into question the priorities I set for my department. So, I would like to put it beyond doubt that we are working around the clock to address these concerns. I am therefore delighted to announce that this department will be massively ramping... Read more »

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SÉAMUS WOULFE QUARANTINE ADVICE

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The introduction of mandatory hotel quarantine has led to numerous bitter court challenges. Golf-aficionado Mr Justice Séamus Woulfe has suggested a number of humanitarian grounds that would justify immunity from hotel quarantine: A quick 18 in Clifden Starring in a national scandal Putting the boot into ‘appalling’ media coverage

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FAI QUARANTINE EXEMPTIONS PLAN

FAI Logo

Minister for Sport Jack Chambers today confirmed that quarantine exemptions for elite sports will be examined on a “case-by-case basis”. The announcement was immediately welcomed by Ireland coach Stephen Kenny, who agreed that it was absolutely vital to keep all the visiting national teams in lockdown for as long as possible, “Let’s face it, if... Read more »

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MICHAEL TWEE HIGGINS’S BIRTHDAY

Michael D Higgins

To celebrate President Michael Twee’s 80th birthday, Goldhawk spoke to a number of the country’s First Citizen’s closest admirers: Stephen Donnelly I tweeted out my congratulations to Uachtarán Higgins on reaching such an historic milestone. Unfortunately he didn’t mention me by name in his reply. Joe Biden Michael D and I have so much in... Read more »

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HOW IRISH MOTOR INSURANCE COMPANIES SEE YOUR CAR:

cars

Boot: What we put in on your premium at renewal time Breakdown: What happens to punters when they get their new quote Bonnet: Place where drivers keep a bee after they get the renewal quotation! Oil: Stuff found on our palms. Brakes: What happens to the punter’s spirit when he or she engages in bargaining... Read more »

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CALLS FOR IMMEDIATE ROLL-OUT SUSPENSION

syringe

There were growing calls last night for the government to suspend the roll-out of government spokespeople on vaccine roll-out changes following reports of adverse reactions within communities. Symptoms among those who have been needled by the process include severe headaches lasting for hours on end, acute pains in the neck and even instances of blood... Read more »

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MARK ZUCKERBERG’S FACEBOOK UPDATE

Facebook thumbs up

Good morning Facebook friends! Also just want to say hi to Digital Rights Ireland, Russian troll farms, anyone seeking leaked personal information on Facebook users etc. All go around here – another hectic day ahead dealing with fallout from data hacks, and my numerous requests for personal appearances (Senate hearings and parliamentary committees). And what’s... Read more »

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NON-ESSENTIAL SERVICES TO REOPEN

Cash register

There has been a major boost for the political sector with the news that non-essential services are to reopen in May. The move means that TDs will once again be free to fill out expense forms and elbow each other out of the way for photo-ops. The relaxing of restrictions on deputies is also likely... Read more »

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GOOGLE’S ‘DOUBLE IRISH’ BREAKFAST MENU

British breakfast

Egg: Stuff on the face of Ireland’s international reputation Bacon: What Google brings home to its shareholders Sausage: What the government didn’t get from the arrangement Beans: The things their accountants count Toast: What Google raised to our government Coffee: That stuff Paschal Donohoe doesn’t want Joe Biden waking up and smelling Price: $75bn

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MARY LOU ISSUES MORE APOLOGIES!

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In a wide-ranging and revealing interview on our station, the leader of Sinn Féin was forced into admitting her regret that several other tragic historic events had occurred. Aside from apologising (more or less) for the IRA’s killing of Lord Mountbatten in 1979, Mary Lou McDonald separately appeared to say that she was also sorry... Read more »

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SOLIDARITY TAX PLAN

cash

by Our Financial Staff Phil Coffers The proposal from Green Party minister Joe O’Brien for a “one-off solidarity tax” on top earners and firms that were “highly profitable” during the pandemic was immediately welcomed by government colleagues. Speaking on RTÉ’s Mourning Ireland, Tánaiste Leo Varadkar agreed that additional revenue was now more essential than ever.... Read more »

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NEW SUPER-RICH LEAGUE UNVEILED

Cash football

Man United vice-chairman Joel Greedy has hailed the formation of a controversial new ‘European Filthy Rich League’, which will see 20 of the Continent’s top clubs competing to see who will become the most reviled by football fans. “By bringing together football’s greatest clubs, we can ensure that I’ll become even more wealthy,” said Greedy.... Read more »

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‘I’LL LEAVE IF THERE’S A UNITED IRELAND’ – ARLENE

Arlene Foster

by Phil Pages DUP leader Arlene Foster has indicated that she would emigrate permanently in the event of a unified Irish state. “It’s bad enough that we’ve completely run out of wood pellets up here and the PSNI haven’t jailed a single Shinner yet over the Bobby Storey funeral,” said Mrs Foster, “but now there’s... Read more »

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NEW ‘RIGHT TO DISCONNECT’ PRAISED BY WORKERS

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Irish workers have celebrated a new code, created by Tánaiste Leo Varadkar, legislating for their right to disconnect from work. One harangued IT worker said today: “Finally, politicians are focusing on an area where they’re able to bring genuine expertise. For years, government ministers have been completely disconnected from the public and have been utterly... Read more »

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BACK FROM THE BRINK’S ENDANGERED SPECIES

Derek Mooney

Some of the more memorable craturs featured on the Derek Mooney’s show on conservation. Fianna Fáíl Widely regarded as pests, these native animals are in dire danger of extinction. While their population has surprisingly rebounded in recent years, various disasters mean they’re likely to be heavily culled by the public before too long. Rural Pubs... Read more »

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NEW SHOES ‘URGENTLY NEEDED’

Loafers

The cabinet has confirmed the sale of shoes can resume in the near future, following intense public appeals. One irate commentator said: “Fianna Fáil and Fine Gael have been putting their foot in everything lately and trampling all over their critics. They’ve been falling apart at the seams.” One disgruntled TD remarked: “The government are... Read more »

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‘WOEFUL RESULTS A HUMAN RIGHTS PROTEST’

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by our Sports Staff Owen Goal Ireland boss Stephen Kenny has stepped into the controversy over the latest human rights violations in Qatar: “What the fans don’t realise is that we’re playing the long game in the run-up to the 2022 World Cup – because it’s no accident the lads have gone 11 matches without... Read more »

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NEW VACCINE SCANDAL

Vaccines

A major controversy has erupted after it emerged that a vaccine was recently administered to a member of the public with no known connections. This procedure flies in the face of recently established protocol, under which hospitals and consultants prioritise family members and staff at their kids’ posh private schools. “I apologise unreservedly for this... Read more »

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GOVERNMENT URGED TO FOLLOW NEW MODEL FOR VACCINE ROLL-OUT

Vaccine

The government has come under increasing pressure to prioritise vaccinating gardaí, nurses, and teachers first in an effort to suppress the virus: the so-called Copper Face Jacks model. The proprietors of Dublin’s most GAA jersey-friendly nightclub have called on the government to fully commit to the Copper Face Jacks model to allow the club to... Read more »

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WORLD CUP HOPES DASHED

FIFA 2022

Following the bitterly disappointing start to Ireland’s World Cup qualifying campaign, Goldhawk spoke to some prominent personalities about the dire situation. Michael Cullen You have to admire the way Ireland are politely allowing everyone else in the group to skip ahead of them rather than making them wait their turn. I think we can all... Read more »

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MEDIA-SHY CHU SLAMS MEDIA COVERAGE

Ever Green

Publicity hermit and Dublin lord mayor Hazel Chu has issued an unprecedented attack on the fourth estate. Speaking from the golden parlour in the Mansion House – Chu complained “I’ve only been on two front pages in the past week.” Meanwhile, Chu welcomed the news that a ship carrying 300,000 tonnes of her press clippings... Read more »

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DISAPPOINTMENT AS FOOD DELIVERY FIRM FAILS TO SATISFY APP-ETITES!

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Deliveroo bosses were left tomato-faced after it failed to deliver the goods from a London market yesterday, causing anger and frustration at many dinner tables. “I was looking forward to a tasty return but they never brought home the bacon!”, fumed one crestfallen investor, forced to eat humble pie. “I was told turning a profit... Read more »

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‘MASSIVE RELIEF’ AS TAOISEACH PROMISES END IN SIGHT

Michael Martin

A huge wave of relief swept across Ireland last night after temporary taoiseach Micheál Martin assured the populace that it was now “on the final leg of a horrendous journey”. Although there is some way to go yet, many believe the worst of the plague is over as things could surely not get any worse.... Read more »

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SIMON HARRIS LAUNCHES TIKTOK ACCOUNT

tik-tok

Hey guys – wazzzzup?! Thought I’d try out this groovy new platform all the kids are on. I definitely think it’s the coolest thing since MySpace and Bebo. The first thing I want to talk about is a new phenomenon I’ve noticed lately – all these lame politicians pathetically trying to distract from their government’s... Read more »

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TAOISEACH SUPPORTS DYING WITH DIGNITY BILL

Micheal Martin

by Our Political Staff Phil Graves TAOISEACH Micheál Martin last night intervened in the controversial Dying with Dignity Bill, which is currently making its way through the Oireachtas. Speaking to reporters at Leinster House, Mr Martin appealed for greater understanding about what he said was a “very sad” issue. “This is a highly sensitive matter... Read more »

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APOLOGY – THE IRISH RUGBY TEAM

Andy Farrell

We may in recent times have given the impression that the Irish rugby team were a bunch of washed-up no-hopers, whose dismal Six Nations losses to Wales and France were an embarrassment to the country. Headlines such as “HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SUCH A LOAD OF RUBBISH?”, “FARRELL’S FAILURES SHAME US AGAIN” and “WE’RE ABSOLUTELY... Read more »

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COVID-19 COMMEMORATION

Stephen Kenny

To commemorate the passing of the first anniversary of the Covid-19 restrictions, Goldhawk spoke to some celebrities about the past 12 months: Stephen Kenny The last year has been a case of one step forward and 10 steps back, or what yours truly might call a ‘transitional phase’. Personally, I’m dreading the crowds trickling back... Read more »

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SUSPECTED SHEBEEN UNCOVERED

Leinster House

Gardai have uncovered a suspected shebeen at a premises in Kildare Street. Officers reported seeing “shocking scenes of antisocial behaviour”, including violent fleecing of the taxpayer. Some on the premises were “drunk on power”, while others were “intoxicated by the prospect of ministerial office”. “This shows a wanton disregard for basic decency,” said a garda... Read more »

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SCHOOL CLOSURE PLANS ON TRACK

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By Carl O’Whine, Education Corr Planning is under way for the inevitable closure of schools following their complete reopening on April 12, according to education minister Norma Foley. About 250,000 students are due back after the Easter break, after which they will most likely return home to ignore Zoom classes and binge TikTok videos instead.... Read more »

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PAPAL BULL(ETIN)

Pope

HUMBLE liberal-style greetings from your ultra-reformist Supreme Pontiff. Oh, yes, spring has sprung and all-encompassing Vatican-style love is in the air. Sadly, there is always someone to spoil it. This bossy McAleese woman insists on hogging the limelight, telling Ireland’s easily-led Catholics about right and wrong – which happens to be my job. She has... Read more »

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THOSE VIRTUAL OSCAR NOMINATIONS

Oscars

Will Ireland sweep the floors again this year? Make-up Artist – Vlad Varadkar, despite a less than convincing portrayal in Leak of Convenience Motion Picture – Phil Hogan is hotly tipped for his moving tour de force in Nomadlad Actor in a Supporting Role – Micheál Martin for his virtuosa performance alongside lead actor in... Read more »

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THE CURIOUS INCIDENT OF THE DOG IN THE WHITE HOUSE

joe-biden-pet

President Joe Biden has defended his controversial dog Major after the German Shepherd allegedly sunk his teeth into a member of the president’s security detail. Despite Major having been sent back to Delaware for intensive behavioral treatment, Biden has rushed to the defence of his faithful companion. “Everyone is complaining about Major’s aggressive behaviour but... Read more »

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LUKE O’NEILL ‘LIKELY TO PERSIST FOR MANY MORE MONTHS’

Luke O'Neill

Health experts are warning the public that we may just have to “learn to live” with the continued media presence of Professor Luke O’Neill. Hopes were high that the Trinity academic’s media appearances would fall heading into the milder weather but this now seems highly unlikely, after an unexpected gig as guest editor of RTÉ’s... Read more »

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OIREACHTAS EASTER HUNT

rabbit

Brighten your eyes, bush up your tails, and hop to the annual Oireachtas Easter Egg Hunt. Follow the trail of heavily sanitised clues around Leinster House to find the hidden treasure of missing vaccines! Possible prizes include: • Unlimited access to public contracts • The Healy-Rae cap collection • Helen McEntee’s portfolio • A meeting... Read more »

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