April 5, 2018 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Tommie Gormless BRITISH Prime Minister Theresa May flew into Belfast yesterday to be greeted by crowds of cheering PSNI officers who were on double over-time. Said Mrs May: “I am delighted to be here and to explain to everyone that Brexit is firmly on track and that the negotiations about cross-border… Read more »

April 5, 2018 Craic & Codology

Orange Order pallet factory Paddy Jackson’s house DUP private bank Cambridge Analytica data centre Site of future loyalist riot Arlene Foster mural Union Jack umbrella company Sinking ship (Titanic Centre) 

April 5, 2018 Craic & Codology

A television presenter who became well-known for presenting I’m A Celebrity…And That’s All has been charged with drink-driving and will no longer be appearing on TV every weekend. On other pages: “Presenter was the Greatest TV Entertainer Of All Time” by Everybody 3-9 “The Tragic Secret Life of the Troubled Presenter” by Everybody Else 10-17… Read more »

April 5, 2018 Craic & Codology

A 39-year-old porn star, Stormy Waters, wept openly last night as her career in the adult entertainment business lay in ruins following scandalous revelations about her alleged association with American President, Donald J Trump. “I have made a terrible mistake and feel so embarrassed to have tarnished the good reputation of our great porn industry,”… Read more »

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

NATIONAL SCANDAL: Two of the thieves pictured here with Wesley College’s publicity officer NEWSTALK charmer Paul Williams has launched a stunning attack on a marauding gang of Irish thieves. Police in the UK believe the men, known as “The Team”, are behind a spate of robberies in London last weekend in which a number of… Read more »

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

An occasional service to readers offering selected meanings of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy ‘Doonbeg’ Doon: an Anglicisation of the Irish word Dún, meaning a stone built settlement (a golf clubhouse, perhaps? – Ed). Beg: an Anglicisation of the Irish word ‘beag’ (small). To beg is also to ask somebody earnestly or humbly… Read more »

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

CONSPIRACY: Hawking pictured here with a man accused of being a Soviet agent by Our Diplomatic Staff – Con Spiracy INTERPOL is treating the death of one of the world’s most brilliant scientists as suspicious. Professor Stephen Hawking is now thought to have been targeted by special undercover agents sent in by Russia’s President Vladimir… Read more »

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

by our Religious Staff A. Men A SENIOR figure in the Roman Catholic Church has hit out at former Irish president Mary McAleese, accusing her of being “completely out of touch with the times”. Speaking to reporters in Rome yesterday, Pope Francis said: “She keeps travelling around from one country to another constantly dictating to… Read more »

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

Britain’s Foreign Secretary tells it like it isn’t MEGA-CRIPES! Just when the press piranhas were churning out loads of tosh about how Bozza wasn’t to be taken seriously, Comrade Putin comes to the rescue. Fresh from another radioactive cookery masterclass, he’s up to his old tricks again. It’s bad enough that these Redski spies are… Read more »

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

• What Are You Eating?  — Thursday, 8.30pm Philip Boucher-Hayes discovers the terrible damage that a non-stop diet of bland fillers and reheated leftovers can have on the digestive system. • Young Sheldon — Friday, 7.30pm An irritating young know-it-all (Simon Harris) provokes conflict and ridicule by always insisting he is right and that only his ingenious… Read more »

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Waiting to Exhale  Favourite song: Bad Habit,  The Offspring  Favourite TV show: Spitting Image  Favourite politician: Seán Fleming Favourite comedienne: Alison Spittle  Favourite skill: Dribbling  Favourite food: Spit-roast  Favourite band: The Highwaymen  Favourite coffee: Frothy  Favourite instrument: Recorder  Favourite athlete: Mark Spitz 

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

An Roinn Cultúir, Oidhreachta agus Gaeltachta / The Department of Culture, Heritage and the Gaeltacht The following items have been donated to the state by Neil Jordan:  10 million unsold DVDs of Byzantium 300 fawning Sunday Independent profiles Alternative ending to Michael Collins in which the Big Fella becomes a vampire hunter Miniature replica of… Read more »

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

Casabanka Gone with the Windfall 101 Donations Slumdog Double-Millionaire One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest Egg Taxes Chainsaw Massacre

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

0: The level of interest since Marty Morrissey was eliminated  17: Teeth whitening kits used per show by Nicky Byrne 300: Bitchy comments from Brian Redmond  50/50: Chance that Martin O’Neill and Roy Keane will take part in next year’s series  10,000,000 to 1: Odds of Amanda Byram ever going back to Ireland AM  15:… Read more »

March 22, 2018 Craic & Codology

THERE were fears for the future of Independent News and Media last night amid indications that kind-hearted entrepreneur shareholder Denis O’Brien was curtailing his support for charitable projects. The compassionate Corkonian is known the world over for his unfettered benevolence towards the world’s more unfortunate cases, with Haiti relief, the FAI, INM and Fine Gael… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Jack Frost THE BEAST from the East remained in typically foul mood last night as it conducted an uncomfortable interview with RTÉ reporter Tony O’Donoghue following its whirlwind visit to Ireland. Weather watchers were left squirming in their seats as the contrary weather pattern adhered to the recent pattern of other foul climate exponents… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Six Nations: Ireland vs Scotland, TV3 2PM: All the action from Ireland’s penultimate Six Nations clash.What key player will get injured, which rugby journalist will be banned and how many technical difficulties will TV3 have this week?

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Inuit people have over 50 words for snow but only one word for George Lee Temperatures dropped to Nigel Dodds levels of bitterness Putting Liveline on television is the only appropriate action during a national crisis Snow has a tendency to cause breathlessness in journalists An act of God is defined as something that stops… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Downpour Leo – typical twister behaviour with rapidly spinning hot air Hailstone Harris – endless, deepening depression bringing cold comfort to everyone and worsening conditions everywhere Howling Howlin – extended gusts of wind ideally suited to flying a kite Shower of Healy-Rae’s – localised floods of tears for south Kerry, spreading to Dublin and accompanied… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

YES He’s very good at promoting the country It will keep him occupied Time is still on his side Just loves being in the limelight Has proved himself and got a new standing now Communicates in several foreign languages NO He’s far too good at promoting himself. And he won’t have time to write any… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Britain’s Foreign Secretary tells it like it isn’t TREBLE CRIPES! Everyone is suddenly going around saying that yours truly isn’t on the ball re this Irish border Brexit ballyhoo. Well, hang on there, all Old Bozza did was pour a drop of proverbial oil on this awful piffle about crossing the wooden bridge between Belfast… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

1. Nigel Farage International Airport 2. Theresa May stranded on roundabout 3. Tedious border guard (Gregory Campbell) 4. Jacob Rees-Mogg deporting Remainiacs 5. Fireworks stall run by Sammy Wilson 6. Police state patrolled by Eurosceptics 7. Customs (playing orange card etc) 8. Permanent DUP road block

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

1. 65 gardaí protecting scuba diving equipment 2. Evelyn Cusack drinking gallon of Red Bull 3. Regina Doherty doing U-turns 4. Jim Daly burning bread to keep warm 5. Noel Rock tweeting from the pub

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar has pledged that no part of the coastline will be flooded as a result of global warming with the help of a €500m Climate Action Fund. Speaking to reporters (“advertorial writers”, surely – Ed) last night, Mr Varadkar announced that the government had developed a unique fail-safe strategy to combat any likely… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Fionnan Sheahan This is a marvellous initiative that should have hugely positive economic results for the country’s newspapers. It should also maximise productivity in the Strategic Communications Unit who’ve been working overtime trying to pull the wool over people’s eyes. Mediaforce Boss This was a wonderfully innovative, cross-platform media strategy that should penetrate the digital… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

His Royal Highness, King of the Midlands Boxer Moran has issued the following royal decrees: Golden Island shopping centre to be the new location of royal court  Shane Ross to be awarded Earldom of Stepaside  Robert Troy to be exiled to Troy  The Shannon waters to be turned back from Dublin  Willie Penrose to be… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

Note to Editor: Can you put this near the sports section where people can’t miss it and make sure the advertorial bit is not in bold lettering? Sustainability (keeping up the spin) Water Management: As Minister Creed has noted (pages 391-8) Ireland’s special relationship with water dates from the beginning of time. Under Leo 2040,… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

ULTRA-HUMBLE greetings from your supreme pontiff. Yes, it’s my busy time here at Vatican HQ, issuing proclamations, kissing babies, arranging exorcisms – and then the whole Easter programme just around the corner. Sometimes I ask myself: Am I the only good selfless person left on the entire planet? Not to mention going on the road… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Phil T Lucre & Gary Owen THE world of rugby was left stunned and saddened today after Leinster and Ireland businessman Jamie Heaslip announced his immediate retirement from the game. Heaslip had earned the respect and admiration of fans everywhere for his closing of deals and determined driving of bargains (Surely closing down and… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

US PRESIDENT Donald Trump has expressed his excitement at finally getting a chance to meet Leo Varadkar face to face on St Patrick’s Day. Speaking to reporters from the Russian embassy Mr Trump emphasised the similarities between himself and the Fine Gael leader. “Tremendous guy. I hear he had a lot of trouble with some broad… Read more »

March 8, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Dessie Mated FRIENDS AND colleagues lavished praise on RTÉ head of sport Ryle Nugent yesterday as the Ballyfermot man bids farewell to his post after eight years in the top job. The move comes amid a severe shrinkage in RTÉ’s sports portfolio, with only the Tony O’Donoghue versus Martin O’Neill jousting contests guaranteed to… Read more »