NEW GARDA BREATH-TEST INSTRUCTIONS
September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology
Don’t blow it in front of the media Pull over John O’Keeffe – he’s driving us demented Arrest slide in reputation amongst members of public Sort out our PR – it’s a car crash Watch for reporters… Keep an eye on journalists getting ahead of themselves Put brakes on GRA backlash
Not another year (A Song for Gerry)
September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology
(with apologies to Shay Healy) We’ve been waiting such a long time, Hoping that you’ll go But you’re still here Not another year We’ve been pleading for such a long time, Reaching out to you But you don’t hear Oh, not another year Not another year For Shinners who want a government of their own… Read more »
Murphy offers bed time advice for safe sleep
September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology
FOILED AGAIN: Fine Gael councillor Brian Murphy pictured here in his favourite headwear DUN Laoghaire-Rathdown Councillor Brian Murphy has warned constituents to “check under the bed” at night amidst growing alarm that jihadist terrorists may be ready to take over their houses as they sleep. Cllr Murphy says “tens of thousands of homes in Germany,… Read more »
Medical Matters
September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology, Medical Matters
Doctor Rhona writes: AS THE country’s most famous maternity doctor, I often hear patients say: “Doctor, I’m absolutely exhausted.” Well, my usual response is, “Yes, I know all about it.” It’s at that point I’m normally asked: “So how on earth do you cope with such a gruelling schedule and still manage to be so… Read more »
Doctor in the House
September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology, Doctor In The House
At the hospital’s annual “think-in” in Clonmel, Dr Varadkar reflects on his first 100 days as Master. Varadkar: …So to sum up, these first three months have been an unqualified success. We’ve taken giant strides towards making Blueshirt General a truly world-class infirmary. And don’t just take my word. (He holds up a document) I… Read more »
The JP Donleavy I knew – 1926-Recently
September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology
By Our Obituary Staff – Phil Grave WHEN I heard the sad news that another of our greatest writers had passed away, I was immediately gripped by a sense of desolation, which I had never experienced in over 25 years of journalism. I had good reason to feel sad. Although I had never met the… Read more »
TV Listings
September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology
Narcos, Netflix — Season 3 of the smash hit crime show. Watch the drama unfold as the daring DEA falsify breath tests and smear whistleblowers while failing to take down an evil druglord. Sickening. Ploughing Live, RTÉ 2, 7:00PM — All the action from the Ploughing Championships where the Mayo ploughers look destined to snatch… Read more »
LATEST GREYHOUND RESULTS – 3.15 (Charlie’s Point)
September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology
Cut Us A Line Pablo Escobar Lad Peruvian Marching Powder Keep Snorting Give Us A Gram I’m Invincible Dogs 7–10: Didn’t run – later found in toilets with credit cards
That Apple iPhone X
September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology
FOLLOWING months of eager anticipation, tech giant Apple has finally unveiled the company’s new futuristic iPhone X. “It is all screen, it is beautiful to look at, incredible to hold,’ said a grey-haired marketing man in a pair of jeans yesterday. “Our customers have never seen anything like it – at least not since last year’s update.” The… Read more »
Kim Jong-un favourites
September 21, 2017 Craic & Codology
Favourite song: Rocket Man, Elton John Favourite film: Striking Distance Favourite TV show: Big Bang Theory Favourite food: Fried Favourite destination: Bombay Favourite rapper: Lil’ Kim Favourite band: Fall Out Boy Favourite book: War and Peace Favourite game: Brinkmanship Favourite nickname: Fat Man
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE – Irma & Leo
September 20, 2017 Craic & Codology, Spot the Difference
HURRICANE IRMA LEO VARADKAR Devastated poor communities Devastates poor communities Releases tonnes of energy Releases tonnes of press releases Won’t leave Florida Won’t leave social media Made thousands homeless Keeps thousands homeless Poisoned water supply Poisoned political debate Controls news agenda Wants to control news agenda Full of hot air Full of hot air Leaves… Read more »
Spot the Difference – Kim & Marty
September 20, 2017 Craic & Codology, Spot the Difference
KIM JONG-UN MARTIN O’NEILL Can’t hit target with missile strikes Strikers can’t hit target Clamps down on media Clamps down on Tony O’Donoghue Has military launch missiles Has goalkeepers launch missiles Citizens living in poverty Poverty of creative ideas Ballistic missiles Roy Keane Will possibly blow up world Has definitely blown World Cup chances
Leaked Plans for Leo’s Comms Unit
September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology
The Communications Unit News Team will have responsibility for shaping the news agenda to highlight the positive aspects of the government’s legislative programme. Some of these stories will include : • Leo is fantastic isn’t he? • He’s more ripped than an internal memo from Anglo Irish Bank • Pensioners are also great • And… Read more »
Biffo’s no hurler on the ditch
September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology
OFFALY’S HURLING woes were caused by a worldwide downturn in hurling and not local events or structures, a new report has concluded. The Faithful County, four-time All-Ireland winners, is currently in a slump with a review committee having resigned en masse amid frustration over the county board’s attitude to reform. Soon after it emerged that… Read more »
Prof Patrick O’Donovan – Key dates in Irish history
September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology
1014: Red Hugh O’Neill defeats Spanish Armada at the Battle of Vinegar Hill 1169: William of Orange drafts Good Friday Agreement 1315: Wolfe Tone marries Aoife MacMurrough at Stormont Castle 1607: Countess Markievicz invents camogie and Irish dancing 1690: Robert Emmet establishes Shamrock Rovers 1798: Patrick Sarsfield elected MP for South Longford 1845: Fungie the… Read more »
What Leo says / What Leo Means
September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology
What Leo says What Leo Means Global footprint Trendy socks from lots of countries More embassies to increase our global presence More photo ops for me posing with world leaders Will help unlock the enormous untapped potential There’s no end of places I can get to visit! We must always be ambitious I can master… Read more »
O’DONNELL WREAKS HAVOC IN DONEGAL
September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology
FLOODY HELL: A picture of utter devastation in Bundoran after the last O’Donnell-Carter show tore through the town THERE WAS further devastation for the people of Donegal last week as Daniel O’Donnell and Nathan Carter performed a show to help victims of the flood disaster. Dozens of homes were destroyed by the recent downpours and… Read more »
THIS YEAR’S FRINGE FEST HIGHLIGHTS
September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology
Twelfth Night: Hilarious piece of work about a group of unfortunates dealing with a shipwrecked health service while clinging to trolleys for nearly a fortnight. Starring Simon Harris as the man disguised as capable of solving the problems. A Streetcar Named Desperation: Contemporary drama set in modern Ireland. Tensions rise as a desperate young woman… Read more »
Doctor in the House
September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology, Doctor In The House
Another busy morning in the Eoin O’Duffy Memorial Infirmary, aka “Blueshirt General”. As hospital Master Leo Varadkar chairs the weekly conference of senior clinicians, sharp differences arise over the use of the Human Papillomarvirus (HPV) vaccine. Varadkar: So, Dr McGrath, I understand you have some concerns about the HPV jab, even though it’s hospital policy?… Read more »
ZZZZZOZIMUS – Lame Collins
September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology
WE NEVER see much in the papers about summer holidays at this time of year – which is strange since it’s a really interesting subject. Last week, for instance, I found myself in Sicily enjoying wall-to-wall sunshine. It was so hot that I spent the entire time in Julio’s, a sidestreet taverna in Palermo where… Read more »
Electric Picnic Review
September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology
Scary O’Leary & the Jets: Typically long-winded bout of trumpet blowing by the veteran high flyer had the large and frantic audience on their feet, banging their heads against the surrounding walls and demanding more. Unfortunately for them, Mick decided if the wanted more they would have to pay extra so everyone went somewhere else…. Read more »
SPOT THE DIFFERENCE
September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology, Spot the Difference
DONALD J. TRUMP KIM JONG-UN Hair-brained megalomaniac Hair-brained megalomaniac Hates non-Americans Hates everybody Doesn’t believe in a free lunch Always believes in a free launch Enjoys golfing and flexing his muscles Enjoys nuking and flexing his missiles About to destroy career as president About to destroy Korea
Imelda May’s Favourites
September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology
Favourite film: Fight Club Favourite song: Viva Las Vegas Favourite TV show: Bonanza Favourite currency: Dollars Favourite shoes: Flip Flops Favourite newspaper: USA Today Favourite sport: Skipping Favourite climate: May weather Favourite singer: Johnny Cash Favourite politician: Boxer Moran
The State of Us: The Irish Times is no longer fit for purpose
September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology
IF WE were looking for a single number that would irrefutably indicate what is genuinely distinctive about the Irish Times now, the number would have to be 187. This refers to the number of in-depth and provocatively challenging articles I have written so far this year. The diversity of subjects has ranged widely across such… Read more »
Doherty’s cards are marked
September 6, 2017 Craic & Codology
ENHANCED SOLUTIONS: Finance minister Paschal Donohoe has said the scheme will help various government bodies to work together and share vital information about Doherty A SPECIAL identity card is to be issued immediately to the Minister for Social Protection, Regina Doherty. A government spokesperson has said the main purpose of the card is to assist… Read more »
TV Listings
August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology
TV Listings Conor McGregor vs Floyd Mayweather — Sky Box Office 12AM: The most obnoxious men on earth not named Coveney and Varadkar battle to see who can do the most damage to the sport of boxing in the shortest space of time.
That OCI Report (in full)
August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology
That OCI Report (in full) 1. The 2016 Olympics were held in Rio de Janeiro, which is Brazil’s second-largest city. 2. Pat Hickey, an Irish sports administrator, was president of the Olympic Council of Ireland from 1988 until 2016. 3. The shawl-collar guest bathrobes at Rio’s Family Olympic Hotel are exceptionally luxurious. 4. Some questions were raised… Read more »
Doctor in the House – On Tour
August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology, Doctor In The House
The County General Hospital, Chicago. At the start of his visit to North America, Dr Varadkar gets a guided tour of the home of a famous TV medical drama. Varadkar: So this is where they shot ER? Guide: Yes, sir. All 331 episodes over 15 seasons. Longest running prime-time medical series in TV history. Varadkar:… Read more »
Growing faith in Murphy’s beard
August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology
Growing faith in Murphy’s beard By Patty O’Doors HOUSING Minister Eoghan Murphy’s efforts to solve Ireland’s spiralling housing problems were boosted yesterday as a new poll revealed that nine out of 10 respondents believe his beard is “doing a good job”. “The facial hair is putting in a great effort. It’s making him look more… Read more »
That RTÉ Autumn Schedule in full
August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology
That RTÉ Autumn Schedule in full By our entertainment correspondent – Abe Solutcrap In anticipation of being denied an increase in the licence fee, RTÉ has announced an autumn schedule that is guaranteed to generate public reaction at the quality of the programming. Francis Brennan’s Grand Camping Tour Lots of cameo performances from a supporting… Read more »
Donald Trump’s Favourites
August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology
Donald Trump’s Favourites Favourite song: Nights in White Satin, The Moody Blues Favourite film: The Triumph of the Will Favourite TV show: The Dukes of Hazzard Favourite sport: Master race Favourite poem: The White Man’s Burden Favourite food: Crackers Favourite latte/wife: White and skinny Favourite insect: Wasp Favourite holiday: Vichy Favourite animal: Desert Fox
Presidential Race Hots Up
August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology
Presidential Race Hots Up Who are they – the 2018 Áras front-runners? Arlene Foster The DUP leader has been reaching out over recent months – particularly to receive £1 billion in cash from the British PM – and she may now be interested in extending her considerable influence throughout the whole of Ireland. Kim Jong-un Although North… Read more »
Nóirín O’Sullivan’s Europol Application
August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology
Nóirín O’Sullivan’s Europol Application Operational expertise My careful handling of the whistleblower fiasco was a total success. Every possible precaution was taken to ensure that not only was justice done, but there was plenty of waffle so that it was seen to be done. Such an appropriate strategy surely qualifies me for a very senior… Read more »
Those Rose of Tralee Contestants
August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology
Those Rose of Tralee Contestants Regina (Prickly Rose) Regina has lots of thorny sides but isn’t really a rose so much as a wallflower, being very, very shy when there even a scent of someone digging up the dirt from the past. “Mention one word about not coming up smelling of roses and I’ll call… Read more »
Staying On (A new poem)
August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology
Staying On (A new poem) When first I took the job in hand I whispered to Sabina Seven years only, have I planned For this Phoenix Park arena But bad things happen like a curse – Like Hickey and Shane Ross And Trump and Brexit… but there’s worse Th ere’s Bertie as the boss! He… Read more »
Brits want Coveney left as he is
August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology
Brits want Coveney left as he is By Con Jugal BREXIT negotiations hit a new stumbling block last night as the British and Irish governments differed wildly on what kind of Simon Coveney should exist. Said one British government official, “Frankly, a hard Simon Coveney is a ludicrous concept, old boy. It’s delusional. Simon Coveney… Read more »
