MEDICAL MATTERS
Craic & Codology, Medical Matters, 16 October 2019
A Consultant Writes: As a very important senior doctor who practises in one of the elite medical specialties, I am often asked, “What exactly is wrong with the Minister of Health?” The simple answer is that Mr Harris is suffering from a routine government condition that we experts call Auditory Impairmentis Normalis, also known as… Read more »
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MEDICAL MATTERS
Craic & Codology, Medical Matters, 29 May 2019
This week Dr L S Dee warns against cannabis addiction As a doctor, I am often asked what is a safe amount of cannabis to take before I go to work, sit my exams, say Mass or whatever? The answer of course is there is no such thing as a safe amount of cannabis and… Read more »
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MEDICAL MATTERS
Craic & Codology, Medical Matters, 2 May 2019
A Doctor Writes: EARLY morning sickness, or Nausea Meghanonia Normalis to give it its correct medical title, is a highly contagious condition currently associated with the tabloid press. Usually, the patient suddenly becomes violently sick as a result of being exposed to yet another inane feature about the pregnancy of the Duchess of Sussex, or… Read more »
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MEDICAL MATTERS
Craic & Codology, Medical Matters, 18 April 2019
This week shock specialist Dr Simon Harris reflects on what it’s like to feel stunned. As a doctor, people often say to me, ’Doctor, I am in a terrible state of shock and I don’t know whose fault it is! How can this be?!” Of course, the truth is the unfortunate carrier has fallen foul… Read more »
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MEDICAL MATTERS
Medical Matters, 21 February 2019
This week Dr Simon Harris reflects on his recent narrow escape. As a doctor I am often asked, ‘Do transplants really work?’ The answer is they certainly worked for me last week. The problem was a huge blockage had developed in my career prospects after I’d ignored the warning signs for too long. My heart… Read more »
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MEDICAL MATTERS
Craic & Codology, Medical Matters, 6 February 2019
This week, Dr Simon Harris examines a contagious condition affecting the nursing profession As a doctor I am often asked, ‘Why are those nurses outside walking up and down with placards and is there any cure?’ The unfortunate creatures are suffering from what is medically known as awaywiththefairies. It attacks the brain, causing crazy ideas,… Read more »
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MEDICAL MATTERS
Craic & Codology, Medical Matters, 29 November 2018
This week Dr Old McDonald (SF) ponders an awkward affliction that affects people trying to handle things properly. As a doctor, I am often asked if there is any cure at all for the condition known as ‘cack-handed’ or notas cleveras gerri as it is clinically known. What happens is the sufferer fails to grasp… Read more »
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MEDICAL MATTERS
Craic & Codology, Medical Matters, 17 May 2018
This week renowned stayputologist Dr. Tony O’Brien gets round to discussing the folly of making rash decisions. As a doctor I am often asked, ‘why the hell don’t you resign now and not drag this out any longer?” The simple answer is, “How dare you?! Your children would be appalled!” What is presented to the… Read more »
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Medical Matters
Medical Matters, 22 March 2018
This week Dr Leo Vacuous wonders aloud about the dire affliction of shrugging. As a doctor people often ask me about the awful condition known as “shrugging” and whether it will ever be eradicated. I haven’t a clue what causes it but what happens is the victim’s shoulders go into regular upward spasm when I…er,… Read more »
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Medical Matters
Craic & Codology, Medical Matters, 8 February 2018
With Dr Terry Prone I AM often asked about the dangers of populism (or acutis referendumis non suspicious at allus, to use the correct medical terminology). Unfortunately, there has been a surge in this condition recently with its life-threatening implications – particularly for those in positions of authority. Indeed, one of my patients (whom I… Read more »
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Medical Matters
Craic & Codology, Medical Matters, 21 September 2017
Doctor Rhona writes: AS THE country’s most famous maternity doctor, I often hear patients say: “Doctor, I’m absolutely exhausted.” Well, my usual response is, “Yes, I know all about it.” It’s at that point I’m normally asked: “So how on earth do you cope with such a gruelling schedule and still manage to be so… Read more »
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Medical Matters
Medical Matters, 3 May 2017
Dr Fintan Tool writes… As an all-round expert on women’s rights – including fertilisation, sterilisation and the whole mystical childbirth experience, I am often asked to explain the complexities of the new National Maternity Hospital saga. Of course, to clarify this highly contentious issue in simple terms that can even be understood by ordinary people,… Read more »
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Medical Matters
Medical Matters, 19 April 2017
This week Dr Alan Shatter delivers a prognosis on why some ailments drag on and on and on and on… AS A doctor people often say to me, “why does it sometimes take so long for problems to be diagnosed? Of course the answer is very simple – nobody told me about it! Take the… Read more »
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Medical Matters
Medical Matters, 5 April 2017
AS an INM spin doctor, I am often asked: “Doctor, there’s something very wrong with my company. Can you save it?” The short answer is no. This is because all the top executives suffer from a condition known as Swollen Salary Syndrome (or Corporatus Blottus Normalis, to use the proper medical term), which leads to… Read more »
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Medical Matters
Medical Matters, 12 January 2017
with Spin Doctor Simon As a spin doctor, I’m often asked: “Doctor, do you have a hospital bed for me?” The simple answer is: “No, of course not.” What happens is that the patient is at death’s door and is referred to the nearest public hospital where all the entrances are unfortunately blocked by hundreds… Read more »
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Medical Matters
Medical Matters, 3 November 2016
This week Dr Lynn Boylan (S.F.M.E.P.) gives the lowdown on the debilitating condition of spinelessness As a doctor, people often say to me: “Why is there so little backbone in Irish politics and journalism anymore and what can we do to restore it?” What happens is, the more the unfortunate cowa… er, victim bends over… Read more »
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Medical Matters
Medical Matters, 21 September 2016
THIS week young Doctor Simon Whatsisname considers the risks associated with pneumonia, which threatens up to one American political life every four years. As an important doctor people often ask me: “Doctor, how can I avoid catching pneumonia?” I always say to make sure your workplace is free of leaks, as you never know what… Read more »
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Medical Matters
Medical Matters, 7 September 2016
This week Dr Michael Noonan, (B.A.L.D.Y.) reflects on the ludicrous side of his work Being a doctor well known throughout Europe I often get some very silly people seeking my intercession. Last week, for example, a Danish woman, who was obviously unstable and suffering from delusions, said to me: “Doctor, I have just discovered a… Read more »
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Medical Matters
Medical Matters, 28 July 2016
This week Dr Phil Hogan considers the dangers of jumping too fast AS A doctor I am always very alert for incidents whereby people get their foot firmly stuck in their mouth, or Dailymailius Teeveethreenium, as it is called in the medical profession. What happens is the hapless – hahah – victim becomes delusionary, perhaps… Read more »
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MEDICAL MATTERS
Medical Matters, 4 December 2015
This week, top pulmonologist Dr. Liam Doran offers advice on not breathing a word As a very important doctor I am often asked, ‘Should I wrap up much as possible this time of year, doc?’ The answer is Yes – it’s particularly important to keep details of your salary under wraps. Otherwise you run the… Read more »
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MEDICAL MATTERS
Medical Matters, 27 January 2015
[vc_row][vc_column][vc_column_text] Doctor Vlad writes: As a practising Health Minister, I am often asked: “What are you doing about the 600 people on trolleys in emergency units?” Well, the short answer is that there is never an easy solution to these kinds of serious medical crises, especially when there is so much pressure on the entire medical… Read more »
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