August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

I unwaveringly support demands for equality. But we must first ascertain that these “high achieving” women are “clean”. How many have pinprick marks on the skin above a main artery? – Paul Kimmage         Fair enough but ’tish a proven fact dat God gave min stronger arms than wimmin for tarrin’ roads… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

The row over anti-semitic stereotypes sums up dysfunctional hack FAR BE it from me to defend that opinionated know-all Kevin Myers for whom I have always felt nothing but unreserved contempt. The reason for this is so simple that even the stupidest individual can understand it. All through his tedious career, he has courted controversy… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

By our (social) security correspondent Hu Giv Phuk A NORTH Korean intercontinental ballistic missile believed to have been targeting the Carlisle Grounds, home of Bray Wanderers FC, narrowly missed Bray fans (Darren and Sharren O’Looney) yesterday, eventually landing thousands of miles away in Japanese waters. North Korean Offence Minister Up Wik Lo promised that such… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

Salutamus Brianus Cowensis, populariter appelatus “Bifficus” famosissimum premierus Hibernia tragicus pro calamati downturnicus, amicus Seani Fitzpatrickus apud neckus brassus commoni per multos annos inspiration militeri destinis et semper pissporum nonmemorabilis performensis, exempli gratia “Mourningus Irelandis” quod fatigus et emotionimius in extremis, etiam expertissimus in voodoo economicus et grovellarius obsequio nauseaticum dives hominus bastardi, ergo Fiannus… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

THE NATIONAL LOTTERY have confirmed they are in negotiations with Theresa May to become a brand ambassador for the organisation. The Lotto is celebrating its 30th anniversary this month and as part of a campaign they have lined up numerous celebrities to highlight the negative consequences of betting. A spokeswoman for the Lotto said May… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

EVERYBODY MUST GO (ON HOLIDAY) DIVISION BELLS (Hurry while stocks last) COMMITTEE CHAIRS Half price. Available in very flat PAC WOODEN BACK BENCHERS (Slightly soiled at prospect of losing seat) WHISTLE BLOWERS (Buy one and save your breath) CLOWN COMHAIRLES (Now in our toy dept) TEA SHOCK SOCKS (all the rage) INFLATABLE EGOS incl Smarmy… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

PEAK BREXIT: The Mourne incident comes after a similar debacle in Britain in which members of the Conservative Party (pictured) tried to climb over each other during an expedition MOUNTAINEERING experts have urged the public to exercise caution while climbing this summer. The plea came following an incident in the Mourne Mountains in which a… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

It’s another busy day at the Eoin O’Duffy Memorial Infirmary, aka Blueshirt General. Hospital master Leo Varadkar makes his first visit to patients in the semi-autonomous north-eastern wing (established 1690), in the company of local ward sister, Arlene Foster. Varadkar: Some rough looking cases here, sister. (He notices a fat, red-faced man limp past on… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

Eden: Paradise Lost — Ch4, 9PM: Documentary about a failed reality series. A group of contestants stranded in the Talbot Street wilds turn on each other as factionalism, egotism and a visit from the director of corporate enforcement tears the INM AGM apart. Savage. Icarus — Netflix Ireland: Donald Trump originally set out to establish… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

FIFA has confirmed that the following players have been released from their clubs ahead of the new season: Kevin Myers – West Ham The Gentile giant thrilled fans with his frenetic attacks along the right-wing and he has never shied away from tackling Johnny Foreigner. However, his unwise comments on the salaries of BBC’s female… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite song: Take This Job and Shove It, Johnny Paycheck Favourite film: Under Siege Favourite TV show: Jim’ll Fix It Favourite food: Hot Potato Favourite actor: Tyrone Power Favourite band: Fight Like Apes Favourite book: The Little Book of Quitting Favourite toy: Trolls Favourite colour: Marooned Favourite organisation: Anonymous

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

by Our Sports Staff Phil Boots SHOCKING news emerged yesterday when it was revealed that a highly-paid professional footballer has moved to another club for a record transfer fee. On other pages • Bears moving into woods to defecate • Pope Francis has no plans to leave the Vatican • Beach pics of footballer’s stunning… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

HURLING ABUSE: Young men (pictured) will take to Twitter over the coming weeks to make their voices heard THOUSANDS of hurling fans are eagerly anticipating the start of the Premier League as the annual crossover period – where the two sports collide in the calendar – begins. With the “best league in the world” set… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

ENVIRONMENTAL campaigners are up in arms over the amount of waste being dumped in the Sunday Independent. The alarming case has seen large amounts of rubbish being dumped in the news and op-ed pages, with the pollution rapidly spreading to the lifestyle section. “You have to wade through it,” said one outraged environmentalist. “On any… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

SURREAL: This independent TD had a mixed reaction when told he was going to be recalled AMID growing concerns about Brexit and the future of Garda Commissioner Nóirín O’Sullivan, there have been renewed calls for Dáil Éireann to be exhumed next week. The Oireachtas has been in recess since July 14 and business is not… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

SENSE OF JUSTICE: Simpson pictured here going up for a high ball in Croker before his arrest OJ SIMPSON is to seek a role on one of the GAA’s disciplinary bodies after recently being granted parole in Nevada for armed robbery. “I feel like I embody the GAA’s sense of justice,” said Simpson, now a… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

• Game of Thrones n Game of Thrones – 9pm; Sky Atlantic: The hit fantasy show returns for a seventh season. After narrowly being crowned Queen in the North, Arlene Foster’s kingdom grinds to a halt over her opposition to a Dothraki language act. Brutal. • The Sunday Game Live – 3pm; RTÉ 1: Screwball comedy. Which high profile coach… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

■ Retract that statement now, sir! ■ Send more flowers to the ODCE ■ It’s all your fault, you smug-faced prick! ■ Send Dinny our phone records, address books and kids’ nursery contacts as requested ■ What about a raffle to offload Newstalk? ■ Cancel the Christmas cards to those pensioners shouting outside the front… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Disclosure Favourite song: Telephone, Lady Gaga Favourite book: The Valley of the Squinting Windows Favourite suits: Taylored Favourite king: William the Bastard Favourite politician: Micheál Martin Favourite TV show: Faking It Favourite meal: Dog’s dinner Favourite band: Gossip Favourite sport: Buck passing

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

AS part of the government’s efforts to combat the effects of climate change, Minister Denis Naughten has vowed to clamp down on these notoriously poisonous toxic emitters:  INM boardroom  INM boardroom and AGMs  Donald Trump’s tweets  Conor McGregor’s mouth Paul Williams Bono Leo Varadkar’s socks Leo Varadkar in general Ryanair press office… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

IN AN announcement made on the lonely Banna strand in Co Kerry yesterday Danny Healy-Rae said his comments about pilots flying perfectly well after consuming three glasses of shtout were reported out of context. What he now claims to have said is that it was quite possible to fly a kite after three (or even… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

Striking Out: Amy Huberman returns in a tedious dragged-out saga in which everyone strikes out for the pub on Sunday night and stays there until it’s over. Saturday Night with Miriam: Amy Huberman will probably return yet again in a tedious dragged out saga in which everyone goes to the pub on Saturday night and… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

And lo, the world of politics was rocked to its very foundations recently when Saint Paul of Murphia was “converted” on the dusty road to Damascus. Paul, whose name meaneth small or humble in Latin (“I’m not so sure about the second one but go on with the story” – Ed) was on his way… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

Trump, pictured in the 1980s, says he’s not going to tolerate these anti-Russian slurs anymore. DONALD Trump’s presidency came under further pressure yesterday, after potentially damaging allegations surfaced of meetings with American political figures in the run-up to last November’s elections. The bombshell news comes as a fresh blow to the beleaguered president, who has… Read more »

July 27, 2017 Craic & Codology

by Our Crime Staff Hugh Cares THEY’RE calling it the trial of the century. And no wonder! The sickening story of how Irish-born Jason Corbett was bludgeoned to death has taken America by storm.THEY’RE calling it the trial of the century. And no wonder! The sickening story of how Irish-born Jason Corbett was bludgeoned to… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

‘ORGIES OF SELF-CONGRATULATION’: One scientist said last week’s marathon media love-in with Varadkar and Trudeau preceded the latest epidemic by Con Dumb THERE is a serious risk of a totally untreatable form of political gonorrhoea causing havoc in Ireland, the World Health Organisation have told shocked reporters. The Jobstown and Máire Whelan controversies are symptomatic… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

Government ‘draws a line’ under the matter Garda filmed handcuffing 98-year-old woman to a skip Paul Murphy is sentenced to death Vincent Browne postpones retirement Bin charge scheme ‘suspended’ pending ‘review’ Labour Party issues a statement.

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

Her sad frown and wide-eyed expression speak volumes about her troubled life. Joan (her real name) has faced the most horrendous dangers in recent times. In particular, the former Tánaiste has spoken courageously of her “absolute horror” after foul-mouthed protesters surged towards her at a public event in Tallaght in 2014. Sitting quietly in the… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

*All Orange Lodge-ments please note The Cash My Father Wore Derry’s Hole-in-the-Walls Rise Funds of William The Ballad of Lyndsey Money Orange Gathering (Dosh) Song The Orange Money Tree

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

This week Dr Meehole Martin warns against the dangers of opening one’s mouth without checking with getting the proper advice first. AS A doctor I am very alarmed by recent reports of verbal diarrhoea, or Leosloosetongue as its medically known. What seems to have happened is that some young upstart decided to start mouthing off… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

A steamy new extract from the erotic works of Josepha Madigan TD In a world where the naked flouting of decent behaviour is seemingly the norm, she thought she had seen everything. Certainly she was no prude. But this time Murphy had gone way, way too far. Her eyes scanned the social media content. Footage… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

Juno and the Payroll The Importance of Being Solvent Long Day’s Journey into Nama Hamletting Pygmillions Oedipoint Village Rex A Man for All Seizures The Merchant of Vicar Street An Asset Inspector Calls

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

Jeff Hendrick  The attacking midfielder has promised to drag viewers out of their comfort zones and put “touchy feely” politicians on trial. Arlene Foster  The bad-tempered diva has recommended DUP leader Arlene Foster become his successor. Foster has vowed to make panellists feel the heat. Simon Coveney  This political high-flyer is understood to have had… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

So farewell, Vincent Browne My gran is distraught She loved your every frown But thought That watching you “in search of truth” While shaping for a fight Was better with the sound on mute Than listening to your shite

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

• Love Island: ITV2, 8pm – Reality dating series. Political show-boaters trapped on a desert island vie for the media’s attention, parading around in novelty socks, pretending to play hurling and jogging. Sickly sweet. • Tonight with Vincent Browne: TV3, 10.30pm – Iconic news show. Matt Cooper (or possibly Mick Clifford or that other chap)… Read more »

July 13, 2017 Craic & Codology

HAIR TODAY…: The developer has strenously denied the design of the building (pictured) had anything to do with his ego or famously inflated sense self-importance by E Go CHEERS of celebration erupted across Dublin last night as news spread that the city council had refused planning for a 22-storey skyscraper near the city’s historic core…. Read more »