May 17, 2018 Craic & Codology

74: People who attended Leinster homecoming celebration 0: Percentage chance of Joey Carbery going to Ulster 1/20: Johnny Sexton’s conversion rate 1.28 million: Number of Munster fans hoping for Racing 92 victory Number 2: What role the media keep reminding Stuart Lancaster he actually has 12: Seconds of footage RTÉ was allowed to show of match 

May 17, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Bill Poster CAMPAIGNERS on both sides of the 8th Amendment campaigns have welcomed the removal of graphic referendum posters, with all parties agreeing they were “way over the top” and “most disturbing.” The posters, showing an aborted foetus in the background to be-suited Health Minister Simon Harris, were removed by Wicklow County Council. Said… Read more »

May 17, 2018 Craic & Codology

AS PART of our continuing efforts to protect the integrity of our money in the run-up to referendums, we will no longer accept misleading foreign-based ads related to the upcoming Irish abortion vote. This is such an important issue that I have been thinking seriously about it for some time – at least since the… Read more »

May 17, 2018 Craic & Codology

By our (fully qualified) medical correspondent Con Sultant IN THE aftermath of the resignation of Tony O’Brien, the Health Service Executive (HSE) has announced it is to rebrand itself later this year. “Rebranding can be expensive,“ explained spokesperson MT Ward. “So in order to save costs we have decided to keep the same initial letters… Read more »

May 17, 2018 Craic & Codology

The Simon Movement towards Abortion Rights Maybe (SMARM): Uninspiring Cork body advocating the right to choose an option before terminating it for a different one, as long as it doesn’t endanger the political life of the one carrying it through to the very end. Believes repealing the 8th will help prolong the life of Fine… Read more »

May 17, 2018 Craic & Codology

THE BOUNCY CASTLE Association of Ireland has condemned the government’s decision to change admission policies for Catholic schools. The proposals make it illegal for schools to discriminate in favour of children baptised into the Catholic church where places are limited. But the move has been heavily criticised by those who specialise in providing entertainment for… Read more »

May 17, 2018 Craic & Codology

Meghan’s pet name for Harry is Your Royal Highness. The Duke of Edinburgh could not attend the wedding because he was on safari shooting pandas. The fairytale marriage was almost cancelled after the bride discovered Harry was not actually Ed Sheeran. Theresa May has thanked the royal couple for creating a temporary distraction from her… Read more »

May 17, 2018 Craic & Codology

Danny Healy-Rae aiming a loaded pint bottle at Shane Ross Shane Ross heading for a job interview Simon Coveney trying to grab the wheel to do a U-turn Angry bloke on the phone to Joe Duffy Mattie McGrath buying a return ticket

May 17, 2018 Craic & Codology

LOVABLE beatific smiles and liberal greetings from your supreme pontiff. What a busy time for you all in Ireland with the great Catholic referendum around the corner. How happy I am to know you are all conscience-bound individuals. This means you are completely free to vote a resounding No to the evils of round-the-clock compulsory… Read more »

May 17, 2018 Craic & Codology

To celebrate the royal wedding Goldhawk asked leading Irish celebrities for their thoughts on the matter: Sir Bob Geldof Of course I’ll be focking watching the wedding coverage. Unlike the Boomtown Rats the House of Windsor has managed to preserve its popularity among middle England and remains relevant to a younger generation. Dame Edna O’Brien… Read more »

May 17, 2018 Craic & Codology

US President Donald Tramp has claimed that adult film star Stormy Daniels is part of a dirty tricks campaign (surely “very naughty tricks” ? – Ed) to discredit him. Tramp has now gone on the offensive (isn’t he always? – Ed) and has demanded that Ms Daniels take a lie detector test – referred to… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

By Larry O’Toole DUBLIN residents are celebrating this week after an ancient relic was finally put back in its box. The curiosity is believed to contain the last remaining traces of St Bartholomew of Ahern’s teflon coating. The item disappeared in 2008 just before a violent economic storm engulfed the whole island. Many had hoped… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Drain the Shannon but don’t give the water to the Dubs Free Nathan Carter tickets for life Do something about the potholes Bring back Glenroe Stop pointing out that we set up the HSE Free exorcisms for ghost estates Funding to be made available for Men in Black style memory eraser

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

BRITAIN is celebrating the latest Royal Baby in the traditional way with time-honoured front page headlines and sensational round-the-clock TV speculation. In newsrooms up and down the country, editors have been jumping for joy as they updated Royal Pregnancy articles with up-to-the-minute Royal Baby souvenir supplements. “It’s absolutely everything we could have wished for and… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Press 1 for Account totalled annihilated and can’t get a taxi home in the rain Press 2 for Card not being recognised by our ATM and a long, angry queue forming behind you Press 3 If you need a tenner to tide you over for the weekend   Press 4 If your car is being… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Bocchrini’s String Quintet in e Major Shortfall Edvard Grieg’s Peer Skint Suite No 1 Chopin’s Nocturne in B-flat Broke Minor Elgar’s Pomp and  Dire Circumstances March No 1 Barber’s Adagio for Purse Strings Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue the Red

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Healthy Appetite, Wednesday, 8.30pm –  Join Ireland’s favourite chef Bertie Ahern as he manages to make a meal out of everything. In this week’s episode Bertie tries to avoid getting burned while cooking up half-baked excuses for some Germans. Can’t Cope,Won’t Cope, Tuesday 9.30pm – Stefanie is celebrating her good fortune after managing to convince… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Bertie Ahern, John Bruton and Brian Cowen to be left stranded in the demilitarised zone  Seán Canney to receive the freedom of Pyongyang  Bill Cosby to be granted political asylum in North Korea  Honeymoon suite to be made available for Donald Trump and Emmanuel Macron Workers’ Party of Korea to provide money to fund Fianna Fáil… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Monday: So here I am in the “Big Bagel,” as our treasured Irish-American diaspora call it. Enjoying the rich culture here, including traditional waffles and syrup in a legendary yellow cab. Minister Zappone assures me there has been nothing like my visit since the Beatles arrived here to be plunged into an unprecedented round-the-clock publicity… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Wes Hoolahan’s farewell Eamon Dunphy weeping inconsolably  Delia Smith cooking up platitudes  Martin O’Neill frantically ringing Stoke City Roy Keane making holiday plans  John Delaney looking for publicity  Jonathan Walters collecting old age pension 

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Description We are currently working on exciting new developments and will offer an introductory education programme to voluntary interns of all levels of gullibility. Your Responsibilities Indispensable administration role, including paperclip management and stapling. Emoji design superimposing happy faces on rugby ball. Removing stubborn unwanted stains from soiled jerseys. Banning uninvited Belfast hacks from press… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

BUST-UP: The two fighters pictured here at the weigh-in ahead of their lightweight title bout CURRENT title-holder Kevin “Boxer” Moron and title-challenger and previous title-holder “Canny” Seán Canney are set to contest the OPW lightweight title. The last time they met they shared the contest at six rounds each but Moron wanted to keep the… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Dear County Secretary,  As you are probably aware we are about to enter a sustained period of bitter, nasty and vindictive conflict over the next few weeks. Many of you have expressed concern for the weakest members of society who are at risk of having their lives terminated without warning.  While others within our organisation… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar is believed to be “incandescent with rage” over the royal baby’s media coverage. The Fine Gael leader expressed annoyance to advisers at the child’s ability to dominate the news cycle without any real effort.  Varadkar was forced to engage in a bout of pathetic grandstanding with some equally desperate Fianna Fáil politicians… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

REFERENDUM POLL: PUBLIC EVENLY SPLIT The latest opinion polls show the public neck and neck on the upcoming 8th Amendment referendum. Exactly 50% of those polled were pro-choice and wanted to decide for themselves whether or not they should stay in their local pub and avoid being canvassed at home. The other half were in… Read more »

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Trading Places Favourite song: Mess Around, Ray Charles Favourite TV show: Deal Or No Deal Favourite exercise: Jumping ship Favourite food: Crumbs Favourite musician: Tom Petty Favourite hobby: Coin collecting Favourite shape: Obtuse Favourite actor: Henry Cavill Favourite animal: Grouse

May 3, 2018 Craic & Codology

Canoeing  – Deep water challenge to stay afloat somehow while up a very unsavoury creek without a paddle. Treasure hunt – Hoping to get a few quid from  Minister Zappone. Backtracking – Not meeting those scary  Oireachtas scout leaders after all. Cookery challenge – Finding the most creative ways to make a dog’s dinner of… Read more »

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

FANATIC: Cult leader Cody in one of his frenzies of religious devotion RESIDENTS in Kilkenny have expressed grave concerns over plans to construct a deeply controversial cultural centre in the county. Many worry the hub could encourage young people in the area to get sucked into a life of ideological rigidity and fanatical levels of… Read more »

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

56 – Unpublished Paul Kimmage articles about Paul Kimmage  92 – Spiked Rosanna Davison photo shoots  1400 – Joe Brolly eulogies for Tyrone footballers  3000 – Meghan Markle profiles  5000 – Barry Egan tributes to Bono  81000 – Contradictory Eoghan Harris opinion pieces  1.5million – Brendan O’Connor scoops on Norah Casey’s new mascara

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

Goldhawk breaks  down Communicorp’s whopping €34m price-tag for Newstalk Chris Donoghue’s hair gel bill: €3m Large collection of clichés and resignations: €4m 10 mixing desks: €14m Cost of teaching Paul Williams about current affairs: €10m Motley crew of jaded, uninspiring presenters  cowering in a corner: €3m One sensitive owner: Priceless

April 19, 2018 Craic & Codology

Reader’s Question: I’m told Israel is warm at this time of year and is very welcoming. Would you recommend it? Mícheál Mac Donncha: I’ve just returned from visiting the region as part of my research into the ancient practice of cage-rattling which remains very popular in both Israel and the north to this day. To… Read more »