Big Sam’s position is Allar-dicey
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
By I. M. Gutted ENGLISH FANS have more than had enough of team boss Sam Allardyce following the national team’s failure to win a single game since the former Bolton, West Ham and Sunderland gaffer took over last week. Not only has the national side failed to win a match or score a goal since... Read more »
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MacGill Summer School
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
2017 schedule: • New Politics: What the f*ck was that all about? • Completely Trumped?: The Future of American-Irish relations under President Trump • Public Protests: Are these talks really that boring that protestors can’t even be arsed turning up anymore?
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IRELAND’S LOST TRIBES
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
No 88. The MacGillians: MYSTERY still surrounds the disappearance of this peculiar people who roamed a section of the Glenties, Donegal, back in the period known as “middle July”. Records of the time describe the MacGillians as “a close-knit, pointy-headed group of about 50, most of whom carried themselves upright, their knuckles scarcely in danger... Read more »
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Classifieds
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
Suffering from Insomnia? Having trouble sleeping? Is the daily grind of life keeping you awake at night? Why not try a relaxing week away in Donegal next July? With our specialist programme devised entirely to help insomniacs overcome their lack of sleep, this is exactly what you need to turn your life around. For more visit:... Read more »
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Bikini model ‘a relief’
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
PANICKED: This tabloid news editor said he was “delighted” that he didn’t have to put another story about Graham Dwyer on the front page By Senan Sationalist THERE was widespread relief across Irish media outlets as a former Miss Bikini Ireland was caught up in the recent coup attempt in Turkey. Despite 232 deaths and... Read more »
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Healy-Rae understood on the 115th try
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
INDEPENDENT TD Michael Healy-Rae has strongly denied having to ask the same question 115 times in the Dáil’s final session before Minister Simon Harris understood what he was saying. The denial comes as calls increase for the Dáil to set aside a separate session to deal with Deputy Healy-Rae’s representations amidst fears that the entire... Read more »
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THAT TV3-UTV IRELAND SCHEDULE IN FULL
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
Details have emerged of the new evening schedule for the TV3-UTV Ireland hybrid: 7:30 The Cube Contestants are locked in the Cube with the Xposé presenters. The winner is the contestant whose ears bleed the least. 8:00 Paul Williams’s B&B Roadtrip Crime Journalist Paul Williams travels around Ireland visiting places you would never think of... Read more »
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The Healy-Rae Daily To-Do List
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
Eat the breakfasht Write 115 Dáil questions Attend 4 funerals Have the dinner in the middle of the day More Dáil questions A few shlaps at the shmart Alecs above in Dublin Lishten to the death notices Attend 5 wakes
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RUSSIA 2020 Olympics Lexicon
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
Spikes – Russian drug tests Head gear – Russian slang for steroids Finish line – Last bit of Russian cocaine Shooting – A doping method Time trial – Race to find clean urine
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THE DIARY OF MARK HOLLINGSWORTH, SPY
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
Day 5; April 23 I PICKED up my briefcase and strode confidently across the Dáil bar towards my target after adjusting my trilby over one eye, and pulling the mirrored sunglasses from the pocket of my beige trenchcoat. I can safely say, no one suspected me. He was of very pale pallor, suggesting a man... Read more »
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POET’S CORNER: KILLER COUNTRY
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
By Rita Ann Higgins So, manky Galway is Capital of Culture But crappy Ireland is Capital of Vultures Where for our ogyny Their smelly Ass-its Are the pits The little sh*ts Only pay itty bits Country of Tax My arse It’s a farce!!!
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NEW IRISH IDIOMS: No 137
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
Wallacer: A person who indulges in entertainment and celebration without regard to cost. See also: The Full Wallace: A lengthy session of self-indulgent activities usually involving copious helpings of food, drink and purchased in full at one’s own establishment.
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WATERFORD MAN GETS IN THE SWING
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
SHOCK: Even Power himself wasn’t sure that he played golf THERE WAS shock and delight in Co Waterford with the announcement that golfer Seamus Power would join Pádraig Harrington at the Olympics. The two were brought in to replace Rory McIllroy and Graeme McDowell who were said to be “washing their hair that weekend”. “It came... Read more »
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Tramp fires first salvo in election war
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
REPUBLICAN PARTY presidential candidate Donald Tramp has upstaged the Democratic National Convention and shocked observers by announcing that he intends turning Mexico into a patchwork of golf courses! “I intend re-naming the entire area ‘the Golf of Mexico’,” he added. When informed by one of his caddies (surely aides? – Ed) that the US did... Read more »
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Vijaggera
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
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State Shortage
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
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End-a Of Run
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
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Census By The Numbers
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
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The BFG
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
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Mannion: “Irish Water an unnecessary journey for O’Toole”
July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology
By Fin Sharkey RTE correspondent Theresa Mannion says she warned Joe O’Toole not to take up the position as Chairman of the Expert Commission on Water Charges. O’Toole, a former President of the Irish Congress of Trade Unions (ICTU), recently resigned his position following criticism of comments he made in relation to the funding of... Read more »
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THOSE RECENT IRISH PASSPORT APPLICATIONS IN FULL
July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology
The Passport Office recently experienced an increase in applications for Irish passports, many from outside this jurisdiction. Today we can exclusively reveal the names of some of these applicants: I. Paisley (Junior) Abu Isis and extended family. C Kinahan a.k.a. Joe Bloggs a.k.a. Christy K (All 4 applications refused) G Hutch (via Passport Express) R... Read more »
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POET’S CORNER: RHYMES FOR OUR TIMES
July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology
By Michael Twee Diggins (That’s ‘President Twee’ to you __ Ed) Enda had a little plan That Charlie didn’t know And everywhere that Enda went His plan was sure to go He sent it to the North one day And hoped ‘twould find a quorum But Arlene kicked it in the ar*e And said “f*ck... Read more »
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‘Reilly’s record cannot be ignored’, says Taoiseach
July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology
By D.J. Vue Taoiseach Enda Kenny has defended the re-appointment of James Reilly as Fine Gael deputy leader “on the basis of his unique political experience.” Speaking to reporters at the opening of another gaffe (Surely day centre or even a pub?_Ed) yesterday, the Mayo leader explained that Dr Reilly was “well used to failure”... Read more »
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TV LISTINGS
July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology
• The Island with Bear Grylls: Irish Olympic Special New series in which survival expert Bear Grylls helps train the Irish squad for the Rio Olympics on a desert island. In episode one, Rory McIroy and Graeme McDowell refuse to travel to the Island, Paddy Barnes and Michael Conlon try to reunite the Island and... Read more »
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WALLACE SLAMMED FOR ‘SCRUFFY’ ENVELOPES
July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology
INDEPENDENT TD Mick Wallace has come under criticism from other members of the Dail after it was revealed that he paid his son Fionn €14,520 for ‘research’. Several TDs have taken issue with the fact that Wallace did not adhere to the traditional style of brown envelope favoured by most members of the house. “It’s... Read more »
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ZAPPER STRIKES AGAIN
July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology
MINISTER Katherine ‘Zapper’ Zappone’s decision to vote against Mick Wallace’s fatal foetal abnormalities bill in the Dail has angered abortion rights campaigners who view it as a betrayal of one of her election promises. However, Zapper has defended her decision noting that it was made after consultation with medical experts and the infallible Attorney General.... Read more »
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LABOUR HOWLIN’ WITH DELIGHT OVER PORTUGAL’S EUROS WIN
July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology
MODEST: Football ace Ronaldo said afterwards that his sideline encouragement was crucial to the win Ireland’s Labour Party has hailed Portugal’s Euro 2016 win and wants members to “take heart and encouragement” from the Iberian nation’s triumph. In an emotive post-match reflection, a party spokesman said the Portuguese had “showed that perennial failures can eventually... Read more »
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TONY BLIAR APPLIES FOR ENGLAND FOOTBALL JOB
July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology
CV Name: Tony Bliar Address: A big mansion somewhere Age: 63 Work experience: 1997 – 2007: UK Prime Minister 2007 – present: After-dinner speaker Strengths: u Can destroy defences from miles away u Can lead non-believing players into battle u Self-confident u Good form away from home. u Performs well for media u Promise to... Read more »
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DEAR MICK
July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology
Goldhawk’s newest Agony Aunt answers your questions: AT THIS time of year, readers often write me and ask: ‘ Aunty Mick, what can we do to keep our kids occupied during the long summer holidays?’ I’ve always believed children will find creative ways to entertain themselves once given some minor resources. Experience taught me that... Read more »
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FG CONTENDERS RATED BY LEADSOM COEFFICIENT
July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology
Who’s the favourite for Enda’s job? We rate the contenders using the Leadsom coefficient – according to how many kids they have. Richard Bruton: 4 – cares a lot about the future Frances Fitzgerald: 3 – doesn’t care quite as much as Richard Simon Coveney: 3 – On a par with Frances Leo Varadkar: 0... Read more »
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FG ‘far from in crisis’ splutters party faithful
July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology
‘FEELING FINE’: Blueshirt spokespersons say the mood in Cabinet is extremely positive By Pól Corr FINE Gael representatives have strongly dismissed claims that the party is ‘in disarray’ and heading for a major crisis. “Nothing could be further from the truth”, assured a party spokesman in a trembling voice yesterday. “Micheál Martin knows exactly what... Read more »
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ALL-IRELAND (FORUM) SCRAPPED
July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology
FEROCIOUS: Fermanagh full-back Ni Fostaír goes up for a high ball TEMPERS have flared among county panels over plans for the make-up of a new All-Ireland Forum tournament (This can’t be right! __Ed). The planned championship has been nixed due to disagreement between key figures from Ulster and the rest of the country. Speaking at... Read more »
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Judge Skint gets justice: court transcript in full
July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology
Court Clerk: All rise! Defendant, Judge Skint: I wish my pension would! Judge Rich (for it is he): Why is this man before the court? Solicitor for Defence: He wants a job, Judge. His circumstances are very, very bad. Judge Skint: I used to be on the bench, you know, and it’s my wish that... Read more »
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Lotto delight over Luas losers
July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology
MONSTERS: Several Dubliners we spoke to compared the “evil” Luas drivers to the Nazis, ISIS and Pat Kenny! There was widespread delight in Dublin at the news that Luas drivers didn’t win the €23.8 million Lotto Jackpot last week. “It’s one thing to give it to Dublin Bus drivers,” said one concerned Joe Duffy listener.... Read more »
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“Payments a mystery of faith” says charity chief
July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology
By S.A. Christie THE Chief Executive of the St Don of God charity has said that the secret top-up payments made to 14 senior managers were a mystery – “a gift of God if you like”. Brother Ignatious Payola explained the €1.64m payments by saying that “the Lord moves in mysterious ways” and that the... Read more »
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DUBLIN BUS – Now Recruiting
July 15, 2016 Craic & Codology
Pay day doldrums? Bills mounting up? Need a higher income? Why not chance your luck with a career in Dublin Bus? Some of our drivers now take home an astonishing €1m plus on top of a basic wage, overtime and bonuses!! Simply tick the right boxes and our bus numbers can be your lucky numbers!... Read more »
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