MICHAEL O’LEARY’S STOCK RESPONSES:
September 7, 2016 Craic & Codology
The EU – F*k off! Passengers complaining about leg room – F*ck off! Any horse that runs faster than a Gigginstown horse – F*ck off! Aer Lingus – F*ck off! People offended by blue jokes – F*ck off!
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SWITCHED AT BIRTH
August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology
Conor McGregor Frank Cluskey
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MOST IN-DEMAND COLLEGE COURSES 2016
August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology
Introduction to Brazilian Law Enforcement (Lecturer: Pat Hickey) Sports Hospitality (Course Director: Kevin Mallon) Tourism & PR (Lecturer: Shane Ross) Degree In Codology (IOC School of Business) Masters In Codology (IOC School of the Arts)
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‘Booker a one-way ticket to Clare!’
August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology
IDYLLIC: A traditional summer festival in O’Brien’s County Clare hometown ENRAGED Irish novelist Edna O’Brien says she may turn her back on the literary community and “live a simpler life in rural Ireland” following the decision of the Man Booker Prize judges to omit her latest novel, Little Red Chairs, from this year’s list of... Read more »
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Taoiseach welcomes new retirement age
August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology
GRIZZLED: An artist’s depiction of what Enda might look like when he eventually leaves office by Dion O‘Saur Taoiseach Enda Kenny has “warmly welcomed” Minister for Public Expenditure and Reform Paschal O’Donohoe’s move to maybe consider a possible debate on the potential of raising the retirement level for workers in Ireland. “It is great to... Read more »
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THAT PLAN FOR CLERYS IN FULL…
August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology
Tasteful, understated, €20,000 a night luxury hotel suite Snipers targeting ex-workers Bouncers keeping out undesirable (Siptu officials) Shopper who has been lost on third floor for past week Statue of Deirdre Foley Massive storage room (for D2 Private cash) Tourist being mugged on O’Connell Street Vulture fund manager on pig’s back
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General travel advice for Brazil for travellers from Ireland
August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology
Before you go get yourself a good lawyer on standby in Brazil. Bring a second (false?) passport so you can get the F*** out of the country pronto! Learn a few martial arts moves and get good with a knife in case you end up in Bangu prison. Learn basic Brazilian terms like “I’m innocent”,... Read more »
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ALL-PURPOSE OLYMPIC INTERVIEW GUIDE
August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology
Q. How do you feel after your performance? A. Incredible/Unbelievable/Amazing Q. What was the atmosphere like out there? A. Fantastic/Electric/ Awesome Q. And what about the Irish supporters? A. Unreal/Amazing/Incredible Q. What’s been the reaction of your family? A. Unbelievable/Incredible/Fantastic Q. Would you like to rant about being cheated now? A. Yes
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Forgotten Roses of Tralee
August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology
Nóirín O’Sullivan: Rose through the ranks Katie Taylor: Rose from the canvas Frances Fitzgerald: Rose in Enda Kenny’s estimation Mary Mitchell O’Connor: Rose and rose of people still signing on Roseanna Davison: Rose of unsold recipe books Clare Daly: Very thorny and… (That’s enough picked for now_Ed)
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Rose of Tralee shake-up shock!
August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology
HEADS UP!: Dáithí Ó Sé’s decapitated body was lauded as a big improvement on the full version of Dáithí that hosted last year. THERE was a big shake up to the Rose of Tralee this year as organisers changed the format for the contest. Aiming to modernise the 57-year-old festival — which is not a... Read more »
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Healy-Rae ‘an act of God’, say environmentalists
August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology
ENVIRONMENTAL experts claim Kerry TD Danny Healy-Rae is “caused by God” and say there is “not much we can do about it”. The shock assertion comes after the Independent politician poured cold water on the so-called “scientific fact” that climate change is man-made by emitting a massive blast of hot air. The Kerryman’s views on... Read more »
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DANNY HEALY-RAE’S WORDS OF WISDOM
August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology
On climate change: Any leprechaun in de country will tell ya ’tis caused by God’s volcanoes in order we have a ta in summer and clean roads in winter. De little peepul do never be wrong and ’tis they tipped off Noah so he could build de ark. On women’s rights: I shtrongly believe dat... Read more »
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THE OLYMPICS TICKET SCANDAL – HOW IT UNFOLDED FOR SHANE ROSS
August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology
Receives news by phone from a government lackey, dropping croissant and almost spilling morning latté Checks out story with more reliable lackey in Sindo office Puts on very cross face Goes to Rio with new pair of runners Loosens tie and waves finger at Pat Hickey while frowning heavily Declines Hickey’s offer of turkey sandwich... Read more »
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Topical Words
August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology
Compiled by Dick Shunery An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy. This week: “Hickey” “A dark coloured mark left on any part of the body that’s been sucked for a long period of time.” THOSE OLYMPIC TICKETS IN FULL
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God marks the Irish scorecards
August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology
STOIC: Good to see Irish boxing fans haven’t loss the run of themselves in the wake of Katie’s defeat By May A. Culpa The Catholic Church has called for more people to attend Mass and for an increase in vocations amid growing speculation that God is losing patience with the country. “The apocalyptic defeat of... Read more »
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ENTRIES FOR Journalism Awards 2016
August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology
Judges for the 2016 Journalism Awards say entries have been of an exceptionally high standard, with “many pages reflecting the best wine stains and a 5% reduction in spittle and cigarette burns” compared to the previous entries in 2013. Among the favourites for top accolades are: Fintan O’Toole for his article: “Why I Am the... Read more »
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UFC fans laud ‘sound’ judges
August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology
HUMBLE: Mild-mannered McGregor was so shocked by the result he declared Diaz the winner (“Pull the other one” _ Ed) DODGY JUDGES screwing fighters out of victory have been deemed “not too bad” this week after Conor McGregor claimed a strange win in the UFC. All of Ireland had been outraged after Olympic boxing judges... Read more »
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Synchronised judges win big
August 24, 2016 Craic & Codology
STANDING COUNT: The three synchronised judges receiving their prizes after the tournament THREE boxing judges shared the gold medal for synchronised judging when all three awarded 29 points to boxer Ugli Faceov in the final round, clinching victory for the Russian. In achieving this momentous feat, they managed to overcome the not inconsiderable hurdle of... Read more »
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Crying Baby Trumps the Donald
August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology
SHOO-IN: The baby has already been doing the rounds on Fox News REPUBLICAN strategists are furiously trying to convince the crying baby Donald Trump ejected from a recent rally to run for President. With mounting concern in the party over Trump’s campaign, some GOP members believe the baby’s superior communication skills make it an obvious... Read more »
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Viewer Disgust at X-Rated Ray D’Arcy
August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology
RTÉ received 23 official complaints from viewers unhappy with the “sexual nature” of an interview conducted by Ray D’Arcy with Pamela Anderson. The viewers felt D’Arcy “completely screwed up the segment” and “made an absolute tit of himself”. The complaints follow on from previous disgruntlement over the “obscene” nature of the presenter’s salary. In recent... Read more »
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GOSPEL TRUTH
August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology
A Reading from the Book of Grindr: Chapter 10, even Verse than we thought. The Flight into Rome: AND at that time there was amongst the bloggers and the messengers much talk of strange disturbances in the holy place known to all as Maynude. And many who passeth by that place didst hurry their step... Read more »
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Vatican: Pope’s Fall was All a Game
August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology
A NEW mobile game is spelling danger for some unlucky players. An elderly man has become the latest victim of the curse of Popémon Go – the location-based augmented reality game. The 79-year-old , Jorge Mario Bergoglio, who is known to most people as “Francis” or “Il Papa,” or “Big Daddy Frank”, fell recently after... Read more »
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‘NAKED OPPORTUNISM’ TV SHOW TO CONTINUE
August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology
By Tess Tickles RTÉ says it will continue to screen its own special Dáil edition of smash hit Channel 4 programme Naked Attraction next season despite ongoing complaints from a disgusted public over the show’s content. Many viewers have labelled RTÉ’s Naked Opportunism programme as “cheap voyeurism”, as the participants shamelessly display their naked ambition... Read more »
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‘Anglo’ prisoners solve overcrowding problem
August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology
Three men recently sent to jail for a €7bn fraud have come up with an ingenious solution to the problem of overcrowding in prisons, modelled on The Green Jersey Agenda (© P Neary). McAteer: Okay, let’s recap: how does it work? Bowe: It works like this: The three of us are immediately “loaned” out to... Read more »
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Politicians ‘Ruining our Festivals’
August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology
ROCK BOTTOM: Labour Party TDs passed out at last month’s Longitude festival after too much prosecco TEENAGERS have slammed politicians for “spoiling music festivals for the rest of us” following James Heffernan’s multiple arrests at Indiependence. According to one teenager: “We all like to go to festivals and have a bit of fun, but these... Read more »
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Scrapper’s scrap set to be scrapped
August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology
NOTORIOUS: McGregor was snapped in Dublin signing copies of a book about his last cancelled fight EXCITEMENT IS growing among fans of UFC as the date for the cancellation of Conor McGregor’s revenge fight against Nate Diaz comes closer. Everyone knows that the duo are to face off in UFC202 on August 20 as McGregor... Read more »
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O’BRIEN SUES HIMSELF SHOCK!
August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology
A Maltese Denis O’Brien IN THE most sensational development yet in his ongoing litigation campaigns, media mogul Denis O’Brien has initiated court proceedings against himself. Although commentators have been warned by the zillionaire Maltese, under threat of, er, litigation, speculation around the action is rife. “He was pursuing so many cases that the papers became... Read more »
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LATEST OLYMPICS RESULTS
August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology
Synchronised Downhill Two-Man Bobsleigh Enda Kenny and Mike Noonan Unsynchronised Indoor Two-Man Bedsleigh Maynooth Seminarians Drinking Marathon James Heffernan Wrestling (For Control Of Fine Gael) Leo Varadkar and Simon Coveney Sprint To Nearest PR Opportunity Shane Ross Swimming Out Of His Depth Simon Harris
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SHOULD CIAN HEALY BE REPEALED?
August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology
POSH: Cian and his Leinster teammates in their younger days WOMEN throughout Ireland were last night calling on Irish rugby bosses to repeal prop Cian Healy from the game. The calls follow outrage over the player’s remarks about a Dublin wall mural, which were taken as insensitive by the pro-choice movement. Said one lobbyist: “For... Read more »
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NEW PREMIERSHIP SEASON TERMINOLOGY GUIDE
August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology
Goal: To get as rich as possible Dive: Getting into car to escape the fans Playing Away: Visiting the reserve keeper’s wife Fans: People I have to drive through slowly in the Lamborghini Diamond formation: Stuff that keeps the missus happy Studs: Me and the left back on Saturday nights (see playing away) On the... Read more »
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That Government Mental Health Plan in Full
August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology
1. Hold a benefit concert, headlined, of course, by Niall Breslin, to raise funds necessary to bump mental health services spending from 6% of total health funding. 2. Niall Breslin’s book Me And My Mate Jeffrey to be placed on the SPHE course in Junior Cycle, to target the one in six young people aged... Read more »
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FEARS FOR OLYMPICS AS SCANDALS TAPER OUT
August 10, 2016 Craic & Codology
Radovan Karadžic Jerry Kiernan By A. Pauling Kimmage TELEVISION stations across the globe say audience figures for the Olympic Games are plummeting following recent scandals and controversies surrounding participating sports. “We need another fast, it’s been too long since the last one,” says a worried BBC executive. In Ireland, a Cavan farmer confirmed the mood.... Read more »
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Endagon survives turkey shoot
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
By Pól Corr EMBATTLED leader Recep “Endagon” Kenny has survived another challenge to his leadership – but the war may not be over yet. The rebels first attempted to take over the national television station but instead only managed to invade the Saturday Night with Miriam studio where they were warmly welcomed by the audience... Read more »
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July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
By Niamh Borin THERE was widespread overcrowding at A&E departments all over the country this week, as the nation got to grips with the Sindo’s George Hook interview. An unprecedented wave of nausea swept the island on Sunday, when readers caught first glimpse of the story, headlined: “I got my kicks from wearing women’s knickers... Read more »
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OLYMPIC UPDATE
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
EQUESTRIAN: Reports from within the Irish camp have confirmed that team captain Enda Kenny will now compete in the equestrian events at Rio after all. Says a Team Ireland spokesman: “All the lads favoured Enda for the high jump last week but he wasn’t having it. So eventually we decided to let him stay in... Read more »
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A RIO TREAT FOR OUR READERS!
July 28, 2016 Craic & Codology
TOP SPORTS boffins have revealed that this year’s Olympics will be the hottest yet, with those Brazilian bombshells ready to set pulses racing at the games over the coming weeks. And our readers are in for a Rio treat as we shoehorn in every possible photo we can find of semi-clothed Brazilian babes flaunting their... Read more »
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