Minister defends wily Zappone
November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology
FLIP FLOP: Zappone pictured at a recent pro-choice rally, fooling no one with the jumper by Our Political Staff – Henry Magoo THE MINISTER for Children and Youth Affairs has strongly defended the Government’s decision to postpone any referendum on the 8th Amendment until 2018 at the earliest. Holding a small onion close to her... Read more »
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REACTION TO BOYLAN REPORT
November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology
“I wept at the cruel injustice of those words, like poisoned arrows, aimed at sweet Mr O’Brien and kindly RTÉ. No more generous, more humble people ever walked this cursed earth! (Note to sub: I can do 100 more words on this guff if you need it).”– Brendan O’Connor “This is the kind of mean-spirited,... Read more »
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SEAN DUNNE’S €58M HOUSE
November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology
Part of house Seanie has still never seen €200m down back of sofa White elephant Tasteful, understated gold statue of Seanie and Gayle Catflap (for bankruptcy officials) Lonely Planet guide to US
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Blueshirt anger over Pope’s visit
November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology
‘SELFISH BASTARD’: Disgruntled FG leadership contenders lashed out at Il Papa declaring him a ‘total bo**ocks’ By Con Sealit ANGRY Fine Gael leadership contenders have accused the organisers of the 2018 World Meeting of Families of “undermining Irish democracy” and “prolonging everyone’s agony” by announcing Pope Francis may attend the event. “They must have known... Read more »
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America ‘betrayed Irish cows’, says Healy-Rae
November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology
HEALY-RAE’S BEEF: Danny says many cows have turned to the drink since being forced out of work by anti-climate change measures IRELAND’S leading climate change expert Danny Healy-Rae TD has accused America’s military of “deliberately setting up Irish cattle” to take the blame for holes in the ozone layer. “De Yanks went off to de... Read more »
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Agony Rant – With Sir Bob Geldof
November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology
This week, Goldhawk’s newest columnist speaks out about Brexit Is it any wonder that iconic rock artists, such as myself, are registering their total fokkin’ disillusionment with the whole shambolic post-Brexit fall-out by challenging this imminent dystopian vista and getting out of England before the bastards start putting up taxes. I mean, fok it! The... Read more »
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Gardaí to teach kids a lesson
November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology
BUSTED: Children are already learning their rights off by heart and practising the lyrics to NWA’s ‘F**k the Police’ by Anna Stethic and Cal Pol IN AN innovative development in the industrial disputes affecting teachers and the gardaí, both the Association of Garda Sergeants and Inspectors (AGSI) and Association of Secondary Teachers in Ireland (ASTI)... Read more »
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Private schools – success stories
November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology
TOFF LUCK: Belvo boy and Fianna Fáil TD Jack Chambers avoiding eye contact with northsiders WHAT IS it about our elite colleges that gives such a distinct advantage in Irish life? Whether it’s high-flying businessmen (Michael O’Leary), politicians (Simon Coveney) or wooden statues (Ryan Tubridy), what is it about their really, quite unbelievably expensive and... Read more »
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GOD: ‘KNOCK ‘EM DEAD, KATIE’
November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology
GOD HAS issued a statement wishing Katie Taylor all the best as she embarks on a career in professional boxing. The Bray fighter had previously credited the Big Man for all her wins and blamed Him for recent losses but there is no bad blood, according to G. “It was fantastic PR at the start... Read more »
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Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery
November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology
An occasional service to Phoenix readers explaining the meaning of certain words that have suddenly become newsworthy. This week: ‘May’ 1. (used to express contingency, etc.): I may be wrong, but I think it would be best for Britain to exit the EU. (TM) 2. (used to express opportunity or permission): You may leave ze... Read more »
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CAMPAIGN CARRYING PENCE SKIDS TO A HALT
November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology
LOOKING PENCE-IVE: VP hopeful Mike Pence who emerged from the crashed campaign physically unscathed but politically dead in the water REPUBLICAN vice-presidential candidate Mike Pence has emerged unscathed after Donald Trump’s campaign crashed into the grass beside New York’s La Guardia airport. The campaign bandwagon, which had 30 people – the remaining number of Trump... Read more »
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McGregor to talk more bol**cks!
November 3, 2016 Craic & Codology
FIGHTIN’ WORDS: McGregor dressed up for Halloween as a trade union activist from the 1980s CONOR MCGREGOR has refused to rule out talking a load of bullshit in the build-up to his fight against Eddie Alvarez in New York on November 12. The Dublin mixed martial artist, who was beaten by Nate Diaz last March... Read more »
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Newsroom panic as garda strike looms
October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology
By Our Crime Correspondent, I.M.D Law NEWSROOMS across the nation were in panic mode last night as editors struggled to make contingency plans in advance of Ireland’s unprecedented garda strike. “I’m at my wit’s end!” claimed one veteran news boss. “We have always been able to rely on the work of the gardaí to fill... Read more »
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Sugar Tax is a bitter pill
October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology
ANONYMINISTER: No seriously, who is this man? THE Government’s plans to introduce a sugar tax have come under fire from the lunatic fringe (surely “from concerned corporates”? – Ed). “Sugar is a basic human right,” said a man in a pinstripe suit, winding down the window of his top-of-the-range merc. “The plan to install sugar... Read more »
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WAKING THE FEMINISTS – STATE FUNDING BOOST
October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology
THE NEW lobby group promoting greater representation of women in Irish theatre has been allocated €20,000 in Arts Council funding. “This is a major breakthrough in gender equality,” said an ecstatic Kate Tool, spokesperson for Waking the Feminists. “It will allow our young playwrights to update old-fashioned Irish dramas and make them much more exciting... Read more »
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ENDA’S A BRIT OF A TOOL
October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology
IN HIS latest contemplation on Ireland’s post-Brexit border controls, Taoiseach Enda Kenny has appealed to Irish people to “learn to talk more slowly” in the run up to the Tories triggering Article 50. Speaking over a warm ale and packet of pork scratchings in his favourite boozer, the Slug and Theresa, last night, Mr Kenny... Read more »
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Creepy clowns craze confusion
October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology
GOING FOR THE JUGGLER: Prominent clown Mary Mitchell O’Connor AS REPORTS of menacing clowns continue, fears have been expressed that the trend is set to hit Ireland over the coming months. “There have already been numerous clown sightings in and around Dublin’s Kildare Street this week,” said a concerned garda spokesman last night, “and we... Read more »
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Irish writers win Noble prizes
October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology
OUTRAGED: Under-appreciated writer (Surely “parasite” – Ed), Tom Boreen-Mann THIS YEAR’s Noble prize for Sour Grapes has been awarded to a gaggle of little-known Irish poets and critics who shared the award for their negative reaction to the Nobel Prize for Literature being awarded to a self-confessed “song and dance man.” Irish poets and writers... Read more »
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Putin threatens Aleppo with Samsung bombardment
October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology
PUTIN THE WORLD TO RIGHTS: Vladimir pictured shortly after leaving his Samsung charging on his jet IN A FURTHER dire warning to anti-Assad rebels, Russian butch… er, President, Vladimir Putin has threatened to drop Samsung Galaxy Note 7 phones on the Syrian city of Aleppo in his determination to oust government opponents from the stronghold.... Read more »
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Paul Williams: RUGBY PLAYERS ARE SCUM!
October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology
HOT AIR: Williams’s producer reacts to his latest outburst “I have sources on the inside,” explained Williams. “They are all on drugs but get TUEs off their doctor friends, who also happen to be their fathers. Then they get their lawyers, who are their uncles, to cover it all up, it’s a cartel and all... Read more »
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‘TRUMP DID NOT MOLEST ME’
October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology
SMALL HANDS ON DECK: The crowd at a Trump rally for female republicans LAURIE-LEE DULL, a retired waitress from the remote town of Deep Throat, Arizona, has sent shock waves across the American political scene after admitting that she was never touched inappropriately by the billionaire Donald Trump. The 63-year-old mother of eight suddenly burst... Read more »
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Michael O’Leary Breakfast Menu
October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology
Union Detox Juice (Freshly squeezed until the pips squeak) Credit Crunchy Nuts, Sugary Puffs, Corny Fakes From the Grill: Rack of Toasted Workers * * * Brown-Nose Bread and Butter-Up-the-Politicians F**k Soup with Public Sector Has-Beans * * * RTÉ-style Infested Rat-atouille Spaghetti Bollocknaise * * * Hash Browned-off (full of baloney) Someone-for-the-Chop Suey *... Read more »
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Agony Rant – With Mick O’Leary
October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology
This week, Goldhawk’s newest columnist flies into a rage about Budget 2016. Is it any wonder the country is up in arms after being totally f**king shafted yet again, thanks to another bloody budget giveaway by freedom-hating government f**kers fully prepared to dole out f**king cash completely gratis to old people who have absolutely no... Read more »
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NOBEL PRIZE FOR LITERATURE: SHORTLIST 2017
October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology
Conor McGregor’s Instagram account — “I get fined more than these bums get paid” Dan Carter’s TUE application — “My leg’s sore and we’re in the final” Donald Trump’s debate notes — “We’re gonna kick ISIS’s butt, oh yeah, it’s true” Sinead O’Connor’s note to Revenue — “IOU” Pat Hickey’s note smuggled out of jail... Read more »
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Topical Words – Compiled by Dick Shunery
October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology
This Week – ‘Centre Must Hold’ In the Dáil debate on the budget, both FG and FF politicians continually stressed that the “centre must hold” – an obvious play on one of the lines from a poem by WB Yeats. Not many commented however on the fact that Yeats actually foretold the second coming of... Read more »
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IRELAND’S POST-BREXIT LEXICON
October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology
Down in the Louth: Acute feeling of depression caused by an inability to pop across to the neighbours at will. Belfasting: Abstaining from food purchased in a neighbouring jurisdiction due to unfortunate circumstances. Newryotic: State of high anxiety induced by fear of having to spend excessive amounts of money by shopping locally. Omaghgod!: Common phrase... Read more »
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Mass confusion as O’Connor wins IFTA
October 20, 2016 Craic & Codology
GONG TO THE DOGS: Protesters gather at Montrose to tell RTÉ what they think of O’Connor’s Cutting Edge By Pat Rabbitears – TV Critic RTÉ viewers have questioned the authenticity of the Irish Film and Television Academy (IFTA) awards after broadcaster Brendan O’Connor’s Cutting Edge picked up the Best Entertainment gong at the 2016 ceremony.... Read more »
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MAYO FANS: UP THE CURSE!
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
KNOCKED UP: Crafty Mayo fans have revealed that — not unlike ‘the Curse’ — they made up the apparition at Knock and got an airport out of it. Gift. BEAMING Mayo fans have lauded ‘the Curse’ for giving them a great excuse for losing yet another All-Ireland final. After two weeks of journalists suspending all... Read more »
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PAUL WILLIAMS: TIMES READERS ARE SCUM!
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
TORTURE: Williams’ listener reacts to his latest outburst NEWSTALK RANTER Paul Williams says people who read the Irish Times ‘How to be a man’ series are scum. The series of articles are the latest topic to come into the Breakfast show host’s crosshairs. “The readers and the people who write this guff are a serious... Read more »
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NO TORTURE USED IN SEARCH FOR FITZY JURORS
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
HANKS A BUNCH: Lawyers have continued their search for desert island castaways to serve on the jury THE Irish Court Services have reassured human rights organisations that “no brainwashing or memory wiping techniques” were used to appoint 15 jurors for the upcoming trial of former Anglo Irish Chairman Seán ‘Fitzy’ Fitzpatrick. The move follows worldwide... Read more »
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Water protesters to strike!
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
ENGAGEMENT: Fine Gael are sending a crack team of delegates to engage with the striking protesters The various groups involved in the water protests in recent months have announced that they intend taking strike action next week, according to one of the organisers, Leo Trott. “Ever since the water charges were postponed as a result... Read more »
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Garda and nurses unions meet their match
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
BALLSY: The ballroom will play host to a joint meeting between the two unions to foster, er, cooperation between gardai and nurses Gardai and nurses will revist old and happier times when they meet to discuss industrial action next week. The meeting will take place in the Ierne Ballroom, scene of many a romantic get... Read more »
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CITIZENS ASSEMBLY TO REPRESENT ALL KNOWN SECTIONS OF IRISH SOCIETY
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
8% Catholics 5% Irish Non-Catholics 7% Irish Lesbians 2% Under-25 practising Catholic 3% Non-Irish Catholic lesbians 8% Irish Black Anglican gay sexist 13% Non-Irish Catholic trans-gender hurlers 15% Left-handed gay Irish Asian-born fishermen 5% Convicted Irish homophobic atheists 11% Black-Polish overcharging heterosexual plumbers 9% Over-60’s agnostic reformed drug-pusher-turned-farmer 1% George Hook
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BOXERS ARE A BET OF A JOKE
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
THE Olympic Council of Ireland have been severely reprimanded for failing to instruct the Irish boxing team how betting works. The reprimand comes after boxer Steven Donnelly placed a bet on his opponent to win their bout but then went and won the fight, thus losing out on a nice payday. “I’m raging,” said Donnelly.... Read more »
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Enda: “Blah, Blah, all island discussion, Blah”
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
FOSTERING DEBATE: The Taoiseach suddenly remembering why he doesn’t invite Arlene to more events by Our Political Staff Martin Wail TAOISEACH Enda Kenny has outlined his latest plans for an “all island conversation” to address the implications of the recent Brexit vote. “The new forum will be open to all interested parties who will be... Read more »
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Loyalist group: “BRING BACK MARY BERRY”
October 5, 2016 Craic & Codology
HALF-BAKED: Loyalist gunmen calling for Berry’s reinstatement couldn’t quite figure out where the camera was THERE were demands by Loyalist paramilitaries yesterday that TV cookery legend Mary Berry should be immediately returned to BBC N. Ireland. Speaking at a secret location in East Belfast, a UFO spokesman told reporters: “Mary is a national treasure who... Read more »
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