September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

The Communications Unit News Team will have responsibility for shaping the news agenda to highlight the positive aspects of the government’s legislative programme. Some of these stories will include : • Leo is fantastic isn’t he? • He’s more ripped than an internal memo from Anglo Irish Bank • Pensioners are also great • And… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

OFFALY’S HURLING woes were caused by a worldwide downturn in hurling and not local events or structures, a new report has concluded. The Faithful County, four-time All-Ireland winners, is currently in a slump with a review committee having resigned en masse amid frustration over the county board’s attitude to reform. Soon after it emerged that… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

1014: Red Hugh O’Neill defeats Spanish Armada at the Battle of Vinegar Hill 1169: William of Orange drafts Good Friday Agreement 1315: Wolfe Tone marries Aoife MacMurrough at Stormont Castle 1607: Countess Markievicz invents camogie and Irish dancing 1690:  Robert Emmet establishes Shamrock Rovers 1798: Patrick Sarsfield elected MP for South Longford 1845: Fungie the… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

What Leo says What Leo Means Global footprint Trendy socks from lots of countries More embassies to increase our global presence More photo ops for me posing with world leaders Will help unlock the enormous untapped potential There’s no end of places I can get to visit! We must always be ambitious I can master… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

WE NEVER see much in the papers about summer holidays at this time of year – which is strange since it’s a really interesting subject. Last week, for instance, I found myself in Sicily enjoying wall-to-wall sunshine. It was so hot that I spent the entire time in Julio’s, a sidestreet taverna in Palermo where… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

FLOODY HELL: A picture of utter devastation in Bundoran after the last O’Donnell-Carter show tore through the town THERE WAS further devastation for the people of Donegal last week as Daniel O’Donnell and Nathan Carter performed a show to help victims of the flood disaster. Dozens of homes were destroyed by the recent downpours and… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

Twelfth Night: Hilarious piece of work about a group of unfortunates dealing with a shipwrecked health service while clinging to trolleys for nearly a fortnight. Starring Simon Harris as the man disguised as capable of solving the problems. A Streetcar Named Desperation: Contemporary drama set in modern Ireland. Tensions rise as a desperate young woman… Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Fight Club Favourite song: Viva Las Vegas Favourite TV show: Bonanza Favourite currency: Dollars Favourite shoes: Flip Flops Favourite newspaper: USA Today Favourite sport: Skipping Favourite climate: May weather Favourite singer: Johnny Cash Favourite politician: Boxer Moran

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

Scary O’Leary & the Jets: Typically long-winded bout of trumpet blowing by the veteran high flyer had the large and frantic audience on their feet, banging their heads against the surrounding walls and demanding more. Unfortunately for them, Mick decided if the wanted more they would have to pay extra so everyone went somewhere else…. Read more »

September 7, 2017 Craic & Codology

IF WE were looking for a single number that would irrefutably indicate what is genuinely distinctive about the Irish Times now, the number would have to be 187. This refers to the number of in-depth and provocatively challenging articles I have written so far this year. The diversity of subjects has ranged widely across such… Read more »

September 6, 2017 Craic & Codology

ENHANCED SOLUTIONS: Finance minister Paschal Donohoe has said the scheme will help various government bodies to work together and share vital information about Doherty A SPECIAL identity card is to be issued immediately to the Minister for Social Protection, Regina Doherty. A government spokesperson has said the main purpose of the card is to assist… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

TV Listings Conor McGregor vs Floyd Mayweather — Sky Box Office 12AM: The most obnoxious men on earth not named Coveney and Varadkar battle to see who can do the most damage to the sport of boxing in the shortest space of time.

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

That OCI Report (in full) 1. The 2016 Olympics were held in Rio de Janeiro, which is Brazil’s second-largest city. 2. Pat Hickey, an Irish sports administrator, was president of the Olympic Council of Ireland from 1988 until 2016. 3. The shawl-collar guest bathrobes at Rio’s Family Olympic Hotel are exceptionally luxurious. 4. Some questions were raised… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

Growing faith in Murphy’s beard By Patty O’Doors HOUSING Minister Eoghan Murphy’s efforts to solve Ireland’s spiralling housing problems were boosted yesterday as a new poll revealed that nine out of 10 respondents believe his beard is “doing a good job”. “The facial hair is putting in a great effort. It’s making him look more… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

That RTÉ Autumn Schedule in full By our entertainment correspondent – Abe Solutcrap In anticipation of being denied an increase in the licence fee, RTÉ has announced an autumn schedule that is guaranteed to generate public reaction at the quality of the programming. Francis Brennan’s Grand Camping Tour Lots of cameo performances from a supporting… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

Donald Trump’s Favourites Favourite song: Nights in White Satin, The Moody Blues  Favourite film: The Triumph of the Will Favourite TV show: The Dukes of Hazzard  Favourite sport: Master race Favourite poem: The White Man’s Burden  Favourite food: Crackers  Favourite latte/wife: White and skinny Favourite insect: Wasp  Favourite holiday: Vichy  Favourite animal: Desert Fox

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

Presidential Race Hots Up Who are they – the 2018 Áras front-runners? Arlene Foster The DUP leader has been reaching out over recent months – particularly to receive £1 billion in cash from the British PM – and she may now be interested in extending her considerable influence throughout the whole of Ireland. Kim Jong-un Although North… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

Nóirín O’Sullivan’s Europol Application Operational expertise My careful handling of the whistleblower fiasco was a total success. Every possible precaution was taken to ensure that not only was justice done, but there was plenty of waffle so that it was seen to be done. Such an appropriate strategy surely qualifies me for a very senior… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

Those Rose of Tralee Contestants Regina (Prickly Rose) Regina has lots of thorny sides but isn’t really a rose so much as a wallflower, being very, very shy when there even a scent of someone digging up the dirt from the past. “Mention one word about not coming up smelling of roses and I’ll call… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

Staying On (A new poem) When first I took the job in hand I whispered to Sabina Seven years only, have I planned For this Phoenix Park arena But bad things happen like a curse – Like Hickey and Shane Ross And Trump and Brexit… but there’s worse Th ere’s Bertie as the boss! He… Read more »

August 25, 2017 Craic & Codology

Brits want Coveney left as he is By Con Jugal BREXIT negotiations hit a new stumbling block last night as the British and Irish governments differed wildly on what kind of Simon Coveney should exist. Said one British government official, “Frankly, a hard Simon Coveney is a ludicrous concept, old boy. It’s delusional. Simon Coveney… Read more »

August 24, 2017 Craic & Codology

BAD HOMBRES: McGregor has denied that he is in line for a promotion to Trump’s cabinet if he manages to see off Mayweather this weekend By Con Jugal DONALD TRUMP has come under fire for failing to condemn both sides of the Mayweather-McGregor fight equally. In stark contrast to last week’s statements about the Charlottesville… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

PULLING OUT: Leo is keen to avoid the fate of his buddy Macron who has pulled out of many of his election promises and suffered in the polls By Con Jugal MOST TDs are now using the political withdrawal method to protect their own backsides, according to a shocking new report. Survey findings show most… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

This Week – ‘Bray’ 1. (Noun) The largest town in Co Wicklow 2. (Verb) To utter a loud, harsh sound like a donkey or mule. “the chairman brayed insanely” ‘Wanderer’ 1. (Noun) Person who travels aimlessly without any direction or purpose 2. (Verb – to wander) To think or speak incoherently or illogically

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

Spare a thought for poor Kevin (his real name). This arch contrarian suddenly disappeared from the pages of an English-owned Sunday newspaper some weeks ago following a disagreement with his employer. A search of several newspapers and a handful of well-known comics such as the Daily Mail and Sunday Telegraph have failed to unearth any… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

I unwaveringly support demands for equality. But we must first ascertain that these “high achieving” women are “clean”. How many have pinprick marks on the skin above a main artery? – Paul Kimmage         Fair enough but ’tish a proven fact dat God gave min stronger arms than wimmin for tarrin’ roads… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

The row over anti-semitic stereotypes sums up dysfunctional hack FAR BE it from me to defend that opinionated know-all Kevin Myers for whom I have always felt nothing but unreserved contempt. The reason for this is so simple that even the stupidest individual can understand it. All through his tedious career, he has courted controversy… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

By our (social) security correspondent Hu Giv Phuk A NORTH Korean intercontinental ballistic missile believed to have been targeting the Carlisle Grounds, home of Bray Wanderers FC, narrowly missed Bray fans (Darren and Sharren O’Looney) yesterday, eventually landing thousands of miles away in Japanese waters. North Korean Offence Minister Up Wik Lo promised that such… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

Salutamus Brianus Cowensis, populariter appelatus “Bifficus” famosissimum premierus Hibernia tragicus pro calamati downturnicus, amicus Seani Fitzpatrickus apud neckus brassus commoni per multos annos inspiration militeri destinis et semper pissporum nonmemorabilis performensis, exempli gratia “Mourningus Irelandis” quod fatigus et emotionimius in extremis, etiam expertissimus in voodoo economicus et grovellarius obsequio nauseaticum dives hominus bastardi, ergo Fiannus… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

THE NATIONAL LOTTERY have confirmed they are in negotiations with Theresa May to become a brand ambassador for the organisation. The Lotto is celebrating its 30th anniversary this month and as part of a campaign they have lined up numerous celebrities to highlight the negative consequences of betting. A spokeswoman for the Lotto said May… Read more »

August 10, 2017 Craic & Codology

EVERYBODY MUST GO (ON HOLIDAY) DIVISION BELLS (Hurry while stocks last) COMMITTEE CHAIRS Half price. Available in very flat PAC WOODEN BACK BENCHERS (Slightly soiled at prospect of losing seat) WHISTLE BLOWERS (Buy one and save your breath) CLOWN COMHAIRLES (Now in our toy dept) TEA SHOCK SOCKS (all the rage) INFLATABLE EGOS incl Smarmy… Read more »