May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

Candidates in this year’s local and European elections have claimed that they are using a revolutionary new material on which to print their election posters, leaflets etc. According to its inventor Mr Phillip ‘Philly’ Buster, the material, called ‘Waffle Board®’ is capable of holding huge amounts of information with which to bamboozle (Surely ‘educate and… Read more »

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

Non-Starters Waffle with Syrup Creep Suzettes Baloney (on a bed of Savoury Lies) From the Gravy Train Tripe (on pig’s back) Selection of Porkies Steamed up Has-Beans Grilled Opposition Tikka (whole lotta nerve) Rich Pickings Off the Trolley Fruits (of office) Butter-up Pudding with Fudge Sauce Jammy Dodgers Humble Pie (off) To Drink Red-face Whines

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

“It would be an absolute honour to represent the people of Derry.” Mark Durkan “I don’t want to talk about my sexuality or winning the Rose of Tralee.” Maria Walsh “A smart business suit for those trips to Strasbourg – yes, please!” Mick Wallace “No, I’m not really a great one for social media.” Luke… Read more »

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

7am: Can the dead return to haunt us?: The baldy lad interviews a rogue psychic who predicts the Labour Party will win seats in the upcoming elections. 7.45am: How to avoid self-esteem meltdown at election time: The blonde girl chats to guests who have met Peter Casey but went on to live normal lives. 8.40am:… Read more »

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

How to Live Better for Longer – RTÉ One, 9.35pm: Dr Eva Orsmond discovers how easy it is for Irish politicians to radically change their lifestyles by simply jumping on board the EU gravy train.

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Mr Nobody  Favourite song: I’ll Be Leaving Soon, The Outlaws  Favourite TV show: Rescue Me  Favourite band: Modest Mouse  Favourite animal: Paper tiger  Favourite food: Milquetoast  Favourite colour: Vanilla  Favourite instrument: Humdrum  Favourite game: Hardscrabble  Favourite clothing: Buckle

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

There was concern across Ireland last night as observers reported a rise in European and local election candidates inflicting injury on themselves. Said one alarmed commentator, “It seems that every hour another one of them self-harms his election prospects by making rash promises and completely underestimating the voters’ intelligence. “I saw one poor misfortune shoot… Read more »

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

By our media correspondent Gissa Quoteguv Gardaí have confirmed that investigations are continuing into what has become known as the Quirke case. The investigations are being conducted by a special branch of the media known as the Tabloid Tecs, led by a group known simply as The Editors. These desperate Tabloid Tecs are under huge… Read more »

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

Many people living in rural Ireland still have no choice but to purchase ‘dirty books’ for their pornography requirements because of the poor state of rural broadband, according the latest research. Said one blind researcher in the Midlands, “Behind the statistics and the fuss over the costs of the National Broadband Plan lie human beings… Read more »

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

The Stormont parties have agreed that the Executive will be restored on the following conditions: Irish government to reschedule those cancelled Garth Brooks concerts Marriages of convenience to be outlawed (Tories and DUP etc) Hector Ó hEochagáin to be appointed Irish language ambassador to the unionist community Jim Allister to be decommissioned Ian Paisley Jr… Read more »

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

by May Kittup NEWSPAPER editors have expressed fears that filler articles about the latest royal baby might soon be overshadowed by real news stories. After months of blanket coverage featuring the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s first child, there has been a gradual return to current affairs and political issues. Said one anxious editor last… Read more »

May 16, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Dee Fendant The legal profession was last night bracing itself for a devastating round of redundancies after former INM guru Denis O’Brien offloaded thousands of company shares for a few packets of Tayto and a Golden Crisp. Hard-nosed evaluation clerks were reportedly distraught as they faced the possibility of cancelling trips to the rugby… Read more »

May 2, 2019 Craic & Codology

Dalkey Tidy Towns volunteers say they will implement a “zero tolerance” approach to intrusive election posters on its territory as it hardens its stance against what it calls the “greatest threat to civilisation since chewing gum”. Speaking at the opening of a new window display yesterday, a spokesman for the group vowed to “go in… Read more »

May 2, 2019 Craic & Codology

My Brother’s Name is Jessica author John Boyne has hit back at online criticism levelled at him following his Irish Times article about gender in which he rejected certain labels. “A lot of people may not like how I describe myself, but I am a man who has written for the Irish Times and that’s… Read more »

May 2, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Kian Ing THERE are very few people that the entire Irish population take to their hearts even though they might only have seen them on television. Feargal Quinn was one such person. Like everyone else who didn’t know the charismatic entrepreneur directly, I believe that I am better placed than most in thinking that… Read more »

May 2, 2019 Craic & Codology

IMPORTANT ISSUES DISCUSSED IN WEXFORD Substance abuse – recognising it and addressing it: Most delegates agreed substance abuse symptoms were easily recognisable, whether by red rings around the eyes, an inability to concentrate, nodding off mid-sentence etc. It was recommended that a two-week suspension should apply, with a substitute teacher brought in as cover. Supervising… Read more »

May 2, 2019 Craic & Codology

Michael Ring taking the biscuit  Long-lost brothers reigniting their feud  Thousands still waiting for broadband  Fine Gael trying to make hay  John Delaney getting barbecued  Village idiot irritating locals (Enda Kenny) Pat Spillane getting dumped  People realising why they stopped talking to their neighbours in the first place

May 2, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Barrel O’Laughs Opinion polls showing a surge in support for Fianna Fáil is “probably down to the success of comedian Volodymyr Zelensky” in Ukraine’s presidential election, according to analysts. Said one seasoned commentator, “It was utterly unthinkable only two weeks ago, but Irish people now feel a bit more assured about trusting a comedy… Read more »

May 2, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Phil Space Just a few short weeks after the terrible inferno raged through the medieval cathedral of Notre-Dame, I have now had time to process this momentous event and come to terms with what has been a life-changing experience. Who could ever forget the crowds of distraught Parisians who gathered to pray and sing plaintive… Read more »

May 2, 2019 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Crash  Favourite song: Free Fallin’, Tom Petty  Favourite TV show: Curb Your Enthusiasm  Favourite exercise: Nose-dive  Favourite food: Crumble  Favourite hobby: Hitting the skids  Favourite fruit: Lemon  Favourite utensil: Flash in the pan  Favourite vehicle: Tank  Favourite animal: Swanny

May 2, 2019 Craic & Codology

1. Claire Dalyus Europaus While native to Ireland, Dalyus is hoping to nestle down in Brussels for a few years and avoid the hard winters in Fingal. Critics claim her once-proud red plumage has faded and this has resulted in her having to survive on scraps from the media. 2. Delaney Outus Instinctively knows how… Read more »

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

FAI supremo (at time of writing) John Delaney has announced that he has single-handedly secured a new sponsorship deal for the embattled organisation. “Yes,” he responded modestly, “entirely through my own example I have been approached by a drinks company to become a brand ambassador for the company’s water brand, based purely on my sparkling… Read more »

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

Call Centre Operator Having spent a lifetime sitting around reading from a prepared script, the former taoiseach will have no problem advising unsuspecting members of the Irish diaspora about surefire investment schemes. Automated Railway Announcer Kenny’s robotic speaking voice is ideal for tedious announcements, such as “the 10.35 to Castlebar is delayed indefinitely”. Public Service… Read more »

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

Never underestimate the amount of people who would notice Order three dozen more red flags Make sure they are large ones Alter terms of reference to include ‘gobshites’, ‘clueless’ and ‘bonehead’ Don’t mention young Harris Use big words when explaining it all to the ordinary poor slobs Stay away from Seán O’Rourke Make sure we… Read more »

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

Leo and Micheál Been together since 2014. Always tension in the House whenever they are within sight of each other. Micheál thinks Leo is a control freak and Leo says Micheál is not supportive enough and refuses to obey. John Delaney and John Tracey Money problems can so easily rip couples apart and, now that… Read more »

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

What he says: What he means: Pressing the flesh Banana republic Running mate Returning officer Spin Minding the constitution Massaging the muscles Lots of native-grown vitamins Bloke jogging alongside me Someone jogging towards me A vigorous exercise class Eating proper foods

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

Am I the only one who feels deeply concerned that, last week, one solitary bollard almost derailed the entire police service of this country? (Great start Pauly! – Ed) It surely beggars belief that the security of every man, woman and child in the state is dependent on these faceless constructions – who are accountable… Read more »

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

12 who don’t take ketchup at all on the burgers 8 skilled at turning on those computer yokes 18 right clever clogs for investigating stuff and that kind of thing 2 corner backs, badly needed 3 foreigners we’re keeping an eye on… 6 Rangers supporters 1 lad with a beard

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

Dear Ambassador, Thank you so much for your kind letter. We here at the Spectator always appreciate correspondence from Eire. We thoroughly reject your thesis that our publication has adopted anti-Paddy positions now or in the past. Our editor, Fraser Nelson, is a card-carrying papist and lots of our contributors have those funny apostrophes in… Read more »

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Short Circuit  Favourite song: Convoy, C.W. McCall  Favourite TV show: Northern Exposure  Favourite town: Ramsgate  Favourite pub: Break for the Border  Favourite car: Escort  Favourite band: Guns and Roses  Favourite animal: Flipper  Favourite body part: Arms  Favourite album: Never Mind the Bollards

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

Rome v Republic – RTÉ One, 10.15pm: Neoliberal high priest Michael McDowell looks at how a deeply pernicious cult (the Progressive Democrats) maintained its grip on the Irish body politic for so long. The Great House Revival – RTÉ One, 9.30pm: Join Johnny Ronan as he makes sky-high profits from his latest construction project. Housing… Read more »

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

JERUSALEM EAST Benjamin Netanyahu (Some Likud Hot Party) 66,600 Benny Gantz (Centrist Blue and White Party) 66,599 Moshe Smitem (Not so Centrist Black and Blue Union) 18,307 Rabbi Avi (Old Testament Party) 14,815 Softi Neissman (Let’s Treat the Palestinians Better Alliance) 9 BETHLEHEM SOUTH Election cancelled due to mysterious absence of electorate. (No change)

April 18, 2019 Craic & Codology

As part of a revolutionary plan to manage its border with the UK, Frau Merkel has announced that the EU is considering annexing what Angela Merkel has referred to as “parts of ze Nordetenlands zat righfully belong to ze Varadkar Republic, namely ze county of Our Ma”. According to Frau Merkel, who was enjoying a… Read more »