September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

Their wide-eyed gaze, unruly hair and brave smiles speak volumes about their troubled lives. Frank and Theresa (their real names) have faced the most horrendous pressures recently. Sadly, the former Late Late Show pianist and his wife, an ex-RTÉ presenter, are guilty of nothing more than running up debts to the tune of €3.7m. Cruelly… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

To celebrate the success of their Dublin store, Krispy Kreme has announced a limited edition range for the Irish market: The Schmidt This Kiwi-infused concoction is roundly panned thanks to its increasingly flakey constituency. Could be treated to an absolute battering. The Deasy Crusty lump of dough that never goes well with Coffey. The traditional… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Archie Ologist GEOLOGISTS say damage to an ancient fossil skull found in Ethiopa may have been caused by a member of a notorious, warrior tribe known as the McGregorians. The skull had a large section of jaw missing, which was “typical of the kind of damage inflicted by a single blow from a McGregorian,”… Read more »

September 5, 2019 Craic & Codology

Oliver Cromwell Boris Johnson Roundhead Pig-headed Beheaded King Decapitated Theresa May Suspended Parliament Suspended Parliament Hated the Irish Really Hates the Irish Genocidal Maniac Egomaniac Sacked Wexford Sacked Old Cabinet Puritanical Pure Chancer

September 4, 2019 Craic & Codology

Britain’s new PM tells it like it isn’t Bozza here! Just reminding you what a totally top-notch job I’m making of this whole Prime Minister thingy. Well, it wouldn’t actually be ultra-hard after Mrs Mayhem’s totally shambolic efforts. Anyway, you know, I’m not one for blowing my own trumpet, but yours truly has certainly hit… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Environment Correspondent – E. Missions ENVIRONMENTAL groups around Europe have praised Ryanair for its “tremendous contribution to the environment” in the wake of the company’s industrial difficulties. “Everyone knows that air travel is a significant contributor to air pollution and Ryanair has long led the way in dissuading people from flying entirely,” smiled Welsh… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

CALLING ALL HOLIDAY-MAKERS! Still planning on taking a late summer break this month? Why not take your holiday right here at home where you can enjoy a week in the hot spot that everybody’s talking about? Staycations have never been more popular, so why not pack your bags and the kids – and head to… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

Non-Starters Cripes Suzettes True-Blue Cheese Steamed-up Fruits of Office ***** Fishy Course Burnt Fingers du jour with old beans ***** Mains Cold Cuts of Duck a l’Orange issue Peas in our time (unavailable) Cooked Goose with Union Jack(et) Potatoes (Served on a bed of own making)Off the Trolley Soft Border Fudge Right Eton Mess Steamed-up… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Summer Filler Staff Phillipa Page FESTIVAL fever is at an all-time high right now as Kerry welcomes thousands of visitors to see who will become the 2019 Rose in this year’s 60th anniversary competition. As always, presenter Leo Varadkar will be on hand to upstage the contestants as they chat about their hobbies… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

Advertisement From the makers of Paco Des Menaces, Farrago de Tales and Eau Non C’est Boris! comes an exhilarating new fragrance that will simply overpower you. A unique masculine fragrance that lets you project that traditionally British gentleman style. Guaranteed to get you ranting about Meghan Markle and other pushy immigrants destroying the UK. A… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

1 Use your generous grant allowance to secure a suitable apartment of your choice. 2 This should ensure a decent-sized room in Trinners. 3 Or a standard €11,590 place in Roebuck Castle. 4 If there are any difficulties with your Susi application, simply contact the Higher Education Minister’s office – she’ll definitely sort you out… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

Transfer deadline latest Wayne Dundon has moved from Segregated Cell to Solitari Confinement. Although he remains in the Mountjoy Major League, Limerick-born Dundon is reported to be unhappy with the move, saying, “I was very content where I was. There was a great atmosphere in the dressing room surrounded by the likes of Simmy Carde… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

A reading from the Book of Doom (Plugs 1:6 – 21) And in the 19th year, the Angel Politico didst appear and verily asketh of a simple man, known as Simon of Harris, who didst claim to be a great healer, ‘Wouldst thou liketh to lead your people?’ And a great joy filled Simon’s heart… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

Is it just me or does anyone else have a massive issue with beginning an article with “Is it just me”? “Is it just me” were actually the first words I uttered for the whole of my first month. I took that phrase and milked it for all it was worth. I was brilliant at… Read more »

August 22, 2019 Craic & Codology

Comedy Veteran performer Brendan Howlin draws on newly recycled material dealing with such daily challenges as pissing against the wind and rising from the grave. Hilarious segment on putting faith in the Labour Party. The Spoken Word Hear RTÉ wordsmith Dee Forbes defy the conventional boundaries of rhyme and reason as she reflects on the… Read more »

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

Britain’s future politico tells it like it isn’t WHAT A week with Bojo going head to head with old Jeremy Hunt, my formal rival-in-arms – who is really a pretty decent chap when all’s said and done! So, it’s all go in Downing Street again, shoulder to shoulder with the Huntmester in a spanking new… Read more »

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

Hay Chess See: Accident-prone old plodder with a worrying reputation for taking the wrong course or refusing to co-operate altogether. Hapless stable soon to be broken up and under-performing creatures dispersed. Abbotstown Boyo: From the stable that gave us the expensive-to-follow Waterford John, this perennial loser will have claimer S Ross on his back, desperately… Read more »

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

Favourite film: Triumph of the Will Favourite song: Get Back, The Beatles Favourite TV show: Banged Up Abroad Favourite food: Red meat Favourite band: Big Country Favourite exercise: Races Favourite colour: White Favourite clothing: Flares Favourite website: MyHome.ie

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

1. Lock the doors 2. Pull down the blinds 3. Re-arrange the chairs 4. Prayer to Saint John of the Poor Delaney 5. Arrangements for upcoming visit to ostrich farm 6. Nominations for post of technician to cover tracks 7. Has anyone seen the accounts ledger and the calculator lately? 8. None of anyone’s business… Read more »

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

Her sad frown and wide-eyed expression speak volumes about her troubled life. Lisa (her real name) has faced the most horrendous dangers over recent times. One of countless captured ISIS brides, she is being held in a remote refugee camp on the Syrian border with Iraq. Lisa previously endured five years of unimaginable boredom in… Read more »

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Twink Brendan always badly wanted to be close to me and was even born three days before me on 1st April. Fools’ Day don’t ye know!! When I was only really starting out on my stellar career, I was, I believe, the inspiration for the ‘Bottler’ character for Brendan. And that ‘Father of the… Read more »

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

Those senior Garda retirement packages in full: Lifetime supply of Nathan Carter tickets ’Dirty Harry’ dvd ‘Less of the attitude, pal’ t-shirt Functioning breathalyser Guide to private security sector Free GSOC membership Black bin bags for old mobile phones Plenty of whitewash

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

Magill Summer Schoolzzz Come and listen to some of the most boring men imaginable (and some women) droning on and on about the imminent collapse of capitalism, post-Brexit apocalypse dysfunction and the prospect of irretrievable cultural decline on a global scale. With Fintan Tool, Colm Tóibín Una Mullally, Roddy Doyle, Mary McAleese and Joe O’Connor…. Read more »

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

By our security insurance correspondent Heidi Hole The cost of insurance is having a detrimental effect on the warehousing business, with many in the sector threatened with closure in the near future. The most recent closure came as a particular shock to the industry. And it could be 10 years before it opens again. As… Read more »

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

Nobody does it better! Never-to-be-repeated bargains! Nine revolvers Four semi-automatic pistols Sub-machine guns Glock pistols Assault rifles 1,355 rounds of ammunition 42 balaclavas, black Assorted ‘Scarface’, ‘Sopranos’ and ‘Love/Hate’ DVDs So bite the bullet now and try to get here before the Garda. Free ‘Arsenal’ replica shirt. GUNS’R’US Warehouse Regency Road, Crumbling, Dublin RE-OPENING SOON…NEW… Read more »

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

FOLLOWING the EU’s controversial decision to end seasonal clock changes, Ireland is still undecided about which time zone is better for the country. “It would be profoundly serious if two different time zones were to exist on the island,” said justice minister Charlie Flanagan yesterday. However, there has been a different reaction in Northern Ireland…. Read more »

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

Health minister Simon Harris moved to reassure the public last night that a reconstructed HSE “will easily cope” with half a dozen simultaneous debacles if the current structure is broken into regional jurisdictions. “Rest assured that every regional head will have had vast experience in dealing with every conceivable scandal and disgraceful episode imaginable,” said… Read more »

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

Nurses: Regional staff will enjoy the option of individual walk-outs or waiting until discontent spreads and joining an all-out national strike. Beds: Punters, sorry, patients will still enjoy access to no beds for six days in line with established practice. Grievances/complaints: Patients who have been seriously wronged or even merely misled may bang their heads… Read more »

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

Mary had a little lamb Mary had a little lamb, with fleece so shiny white It followed her to school one day to learn to read and write But uniform and books and quill cost a grand at least Oh how the mums and dads did cry to see the lamb being fleeced. Jack and… Read more »

July 25, 2019 Craic & Codology

IT’S NOW likely that every one of the country’s leading companies will pull out of Ireland en masse if there is a no-deal Brexit on October 31st. “Ireland is facing its greatest crisis since the foundation of the state,” said Rebecca Crisis of the Irish Times. “No wonder people are filled with horror when they… Read more »

July 11, 2019 Craic & Codology

Who is she – the new president-elect of the European Commission? A former gynaecologist and mother of 14, Ursula von der Leyen has left European capitals abuzz this week as she prepares to take on the EU’s toughest job. After a distinguished 23-year career in Brussels working under Otto Handintill and Rene La Payola in… Read more »

July 11, 2019 Craic & Codology

Whenever I think of Wimbledon, it always brings back painful reminders of how I have chosen to serve, only to be called out and said to be at fault by the assorted bas***ds who chose to betray me for their own political ends. Alan Shatter Anything to do with the courts is of course of… Read more »

July 11, 2019 Craic & Codology

History to be replaced by theirstory Manholes on premises to be designated personholes Geography to avoid focusing on any one place in favour of a more fluid approach Pink salmon and bluefin tuna to be replaced on school menu with grey mullet Biology to be banned Chemistry to avoid reference to any pH less than… Read more »

July 11, 2019 Craic & Codology

Britain’s future PM tells it like it isn’t Yikes! Just days to go before the ghastly Mrs May finally rides off into the sunset, leaving yours truly in charge. So who are my team? Let me introduce them: First up is the PM, the head honcho in complete charge of everything. And, of course, that’s… Read more »