February 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Martin Wail FORMER SINN FÉIN TD Peadar Tóibín revealed the name of his new party ahead of a public meeting in Belfast yesterday. Ireland’s latest political grouping is to be called Aontú, meaning unity or agreement. However, within minutes of Aontú’s first official get-together, there were chaotic scenes as about half… Read more »

February 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

Roy Keane and Harry Arter You may call it nag, nag, nag, But my love gives no quarters And that is why I lost the rag When I saw you with Jon Walters Danny Healy-Rae and Shane Ross Your shiny head, your way with words, Were tender traits we shared, But revealing pics of me… Read more »

February 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

Ed Honohan squares up to a rogue banker Honohan: Next filthy rich financial institution versus downtrodden, gambling borrower please! Mr Creepiecrawlie for the bank: My client seeks to have €900,000 in borrowings prior to the 2001 Cheltenham festival returned forthwith Mr Master. Mr Smiley Barrister for the farmer:  Cheltenham was abandoned that year, so technically… Read more »

February 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

The Handout The organisation can receive an unlimited number. The Since Binned Anyone player lashing out at the GAA or marking someone’s card by blackening its name will be required to bin such insinuations. The Sideline Kick Players going forward to the media about fixture congestion, Dub dominance, travel expenses, injury compensation, no toilet on… Read more »

February 7, 2019 Craic & Codology

HARRIS verb: to irritate incessantly, to whine sanctimoniously and be a nuisance by constantly courting media attention and public affirmation (e.g. “That awful upstart seems to do nothing but harris people.”) COMPASSIONATE adjective: commonly used to describe young ambitious politicians who will say anything and stop at nothing to advance their ministerial careers (e.g. “Simon… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

There was shocked international reaction last night after it emerged that a group of Irish extremists have been living openly on Kildare Street in Dublin for the past number of years. According to a source close to the shady Fine Gael group, the organisation’s leadership – consisting of Vlad Al Varadkar and Simon bin Coveney… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

DODDS noun. Fearful deep-rooted suspicion of any change. (Ulster-Scots origin.) E.g. “Nigel keeps repeating the same old tissue of dodds.” PLAN B noun. Aspirational promise to achieve something – anything – after everything else fails miserably. E.g. “Mrs May is intent on using Plan B in a further attempt to cling on to power.” OTOOLE… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

EXCLUSIVE TO ALL NEWSPAPERS – Politicians unable to agree shock ON OTHER PAGES • Leo celebrates his own birthday – p4 • Photo of Vogue Williams’s baby – p7

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

Breakfast Has-beans; toast; smell the coffee Light lunch Something cheesy with pickle on brown bread; hot water Dinner Fishy: choice of cod or Healy-ray Vegetating: Hot potatoes; leeks; corn-on-the-cobblers Just Desserts Trifle upset & going bananas

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

Our farmers, Who art on tractors Hallowed be thy herd Thy Kingdom cow That will be done on hearth As it is in ovens Give us this Dáil Our daily meat And then give us green pastures So we can give those Who trapes past against us Bacon, cabbage temptations That delivers us from vegans

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

Simple Simon: Well that’s another load of old guff spouted into the record books. Snobby Ross: Yes and you didn’t go too fast…good man! SS: Of course; I know where the border is between attentive and bored! SR: I thought a few of them in the front row were starting to nod off… SS: That’s… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

US PRESIDENT Donald Trump has defended his decision to maintain the partial government shutdown and has insisted that his Democratic opponents are to blame. In a series of executive tweets overnight, the president said: “I am sincerely emproudened to see myself as protectifying a great point of principle here, just like Marvin Luther King had… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

WHO’S AFRAID OF NEGATIVE PUBLICITY? Haunting portrayal of discord in the world of Irish theatre, culminating in unforgettable farce when 300 theatre practitioners chase Abbey bosses Neil Murray and Graham McLaren around the building. Director: Josepha Madigan LONG DAY’S JOURNEY INTO PENURY Searing examination of isolation and alienation, focusing on an aspiring actor trying to… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Dion Fawning of Woe.ie The English city of Nottingham has been declared a no-fly zone following the appointment of Martin O’Neill as Notts Forest boss. The move has been made in anticipation of the number of balls expected to be launched into the stratosphere as O’Neill’s reign commences. “During O’Neill’s spell in charge of… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

As a doctor, parents often ask me, “Doctor, how much will this prescription cost me?” It’s a frivolous question, but to humour them, I always explain, “It should work out at about €5.50, although that could easily rise due to unexpected but very understandable happenings, such as er, the sun rising in the mornings, birds… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

Saluti Bobus Geldfukoffus auld hairi scraggli e mouthus alwaysi openni per profanatii hurlatus ad infinitum ad infinitum e beardi unkempti au resemblum bogbrushum e givus headachius au screamius awfuli au nolikeum Mondaysium e worsius e bosom pallum au tedius Bononevershuttupius au togethrium worthium billionariums au flyum firstclassium e waggi fingerii atallofus per giveus f***ing shekels… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

IRISH self-promoter Vogue Williams and husband Spencer Matthews have been celebrating the birth of their E4 reality series (cleverly entitled ‘Spencer, Vogue and Publicity Too’). Relaxing last night in a quiet London restaurant, with hundreds of their closest photographers, the loved-up celebrity duo reflected on a whirlwind year in the public eye. Said Vogue: “From… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

The pencil broke Was meaning to do it on Thursday… The priest promised to have a word with him We were all young wan time… He was in the GAA They agreed to bring the squad car back undamaged if we dropped it Lost track of time while removing penalty points

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Our Political Reporter, Martin Wail Panic and anger has gripped the Irish cattle industry, as farmers struggle to contain the latest foot-in-mouth outbreak by Taoiseach Leo Varadkar. The crisis broke out after the Fine Gael leader said cows were deadly killing machines intent on wiping out humanity with cancer, heart disease and farts. (Surely… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

Looking relaxed and cheerful, a smiling Conor Murray posed for photographs yesterday as he told reporters of his “months of hell” after deciding to tell nobody anything at all. The Ireland international, who was sidelined with a brass-neck complaint that kept him out of action for almost five months, chatted happily with fans as he… Read more »

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

Favourite musician: MC Hammer Favourite film: Shattered Glass Favourite song: ‘The Air That I Breathe’ – The Hollies Favourite TV show: ‘Breaking Bad’ Favourite businessman: Malcolm Glazer

January 24, 2019 Craic & Codology

By Jen Derbalance Ethiopian Prime Minister Abiy Ahmed has defended meeting Irish Taoiseach Leo Varadkar. Ahmed faced strong criticism from his people for seeming to turn a blind eye to the status of women in Dáil Éireann, the temple of power known as the ‘Holy Grail’ amongst Irish politicians, as they pray for elevation to… Read more »

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

Taoiseach Leo Varadkar has assured the country that “every cliché possible” is being explored ahead of the upcoming final vote – until the next one – on the Brexit deal in Westminster. “The Irish government has given Theresa May further reassurances that we will come out with the usual stock responses when this vote is… Read more »

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

The Luas this morning • Tens of thousands of unanswered emails from disgruntled commuters. • Additional graphic details of muggers, addicts and party-goers falling about and getting sick. • Medical records of passengers who have suffered bruising and asphyxia on crowded trains.

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Political Staff Martin Wail TWO sons of the high-profile Kerry South TD Michael Healy-Rae have issued statements concerning media stories about their father’s abusive behaviour in a public place. For the past seven years, there have been countless newspaper reports detailing the Independent Deputy’s antics on the floor of Leinster House. On numerous… Read more »

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

No 9: SHANE ROUTS THE FAIKERS – from the Book of Geriatrics And at the time there were amongst the people a group known as the FAIkers who wielded great and who were led by a man called John. The FAIkers were long of tooth and rich of meal vouchers and great was the gnashing… Read more »

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

by Our Varadkar Giveaway Staff – Phil Front-Page TAOISEACH Leo Varadkar’s eco-friendly initiative aims to beat climate change by giving people who save energy “free cheques in the post” for good behaviour. Speaking to reporters last night, Mr Varadkar insisted that there were very compelling reasons behind his latest plan. “This giveaway is less to… Read more »

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

THE APPOINTMENT by Minister for Culture and Holy Communion Josepha Mad-one of a team of ‘Cultural Ambassadors’ is only the first move in a grand strategy by Leo Varadkar’s government to “dominate the globe using only the power of art and brassneckedness”. The initial selection of five lesser-known personalities is understood to be a move… Read more »

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

2019 is going to be even more beautiful because it will be so special. That means I will be making a VERY big announcement. BIG. It’s currently so classified that people will have to wait a little longer before hearing about my top-secret plans to run for the presidency in 2020. I will also appoint… Read more »

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

MAY verb. to quake or shiver in the face of looming disaster. (N. Irish origin.) e.g. “The Prime Minister still believes that she may secure unwavering DUP support over the coming year.”

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

Too many drivers amongst the rural chaps are thinking about alcohol when they get behind the wheel. I’ve resolved to eradicate this dangerous distraction in 2019 by rolling out roadside lie detectors. I will tackle this problem head on and at speed. – Minister for Dictating, Shane Pothole I’m not yet sure what Leo has… Read more »

January 10, 2019 Craic & Codology

AT THE start of another new year, after the usual glut of Christmas goodies, a lot of Irish newspapers start to slim down and look amazingly thin. Just how do they do it? Now you can share their incredible secret by following the amazing ‘Get Really Lean in 2019 Plan’, as practised by all the… Read more »